Remember that I said in my last blog that I still had to write the rest of the blog before that; the one about patience? Well, I'm thinking that now is the best opportunity for me to do that. God really showed me today the importance of being slow to anger, not let my fears take over me, and to above all be quite and patient.
I started out this day mildly wrong. I woke up from a bad dream and before I could allow myself time to pray (#1 wrong choice) I let the fears and worries sink in. What did I do? I went immediately to the computer and started to e-mail (#2 wrong choice). Instead of giving encouragement I opened my mouth and wrath came out. I wasn't as hurtful as I could've been and in some ways maybe I wasn't hurtful at all, but I was wrong in sending the e-mails. I may not have been wrong about what needed to be said, but perhaps I was the wrong one to say it. I should've stopped, looked, and listened like I knew I should've done. If I had I would've heard God say, "Katie, you're being tested by satan. He's testing your strength by using the one person, with the one horrible thing, that gets to you the most. You've got to hold fast and be strong my daughter. You can't let him get to you like that because once he does, no matter how hard you try, he'll dig even deeper to try and tear you a part from you soul mate. Do you want that?"
A while back I pulled one of those infamous fortune sticks that I've talked about before. I appreciate that stick so much because it was a reminder that I speak so much louder with my words when they are negative than positive and much like weight management, it takes a lot longer to get rid of the weight of a negative comment than it does adding on the encouragement through positive comments. You can send positive after positive but all it takes is one negative to strike the core and all those little positives come tumbling down.
God also humbled me today and really put me in my place because I was starting to climb up that high horse again. As I'm sitting here thinking, I'm reminded of my own words just a few days ago that ALL of us are sinners and that ALL of us are going to be judged. If I'm not supposed to judge someone's choices because they're equivalent to my own. God sees no difference, sin is merely sin in His eyes. So today, we both sinned and it didn't matter what the difference was.
The only reason the choices and sin of someone else hurts is because you love that person and satan knew that by using them he was able to get to you. That's what he did to me this morning. He gave me bad dream set with characters from my fears and then he used me, through my language and negative encouragement to tear down someone I love dearly.
I hope that this afternoon we were able to counteract his efforts by forgiving each other and not judging each other for their choices of sin, but that's besides the point.
I'm just glad that He showed me this lesson, that he humbled me because this is something that is a constant struggle for me. Sometimes I simply just need to listen to my fortune stick when it reads, "You are aggressive. Be quiet and listen today."
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
God's Butterflies
I know that I have still yet to finish my last blog but I wanted to immediately come home and write about this amazing experience that God has presented before me!
As I was headed out to the bank to put a down payment on my birthday present I was excited to see the beautiful yellow butterflies that flew in front of the car. "What a perfect day", I thought as I drove on. The wonderful weather, the bright sun; not too much heat, not too much humidity. It's marvelous.
As I'm driving along I hear a wonderful sermon on the radion (89.5 His Radio). Pastor Ron Vietti, of the Valley Bible Fellowship, was talking about how we can't change our behaviors without changing our character. The point he was trying to make was just that, that if we're trying to live a Christ-centered life than we can't do that unless we first #1 peel off our old self and become a new babe in the eyes of Christ through baptism. We then can't expect to see changes if we aren't willing to change our cores, our characters. He tells us that we sin and will continue to sin unless we change our ways and that doesn't mean just simply changing our behaviors. He says that God sets the bar with perfection, but we know that as humans we can never reach perfection, however, that we should strive to reach it in this life or the next because the consequences of not trying, of giving up are far too great to risk. We can read these accolades through the beautiful proclaimations found in Psalm 119 and several other places in the bible.
After paying the deposit I hopped back in the car and found myself listening to yet another wonderful message, however, this one was through the teachings of Brother Chris Engrim from livingontheedge.com. It was through this lesson that I reached another defining moment in which I knew I had to come home and write about it. He passionately talked about our actions and behaviors and what they would be if we only had seven days to live. As I listened I asked myself, what would I do if I had only seven more days to live? Would I have been on Facebook checking status' and comments? Would I be on hulu.com watching one of my favorite television shows? Would I spend my time sleeping because the stresses of life were too much to bare? He talked about procrastination and time management so that we can ensure our lives are whole and just through God, focused on Him ALWAYS!
What I've learned is that it's much like the life of those beautiful butterflies I kept seeing fly around my car as I drove to and from home. Perhaps that was God's message to me, that I really look to see what sin is in my life that I need to change in order to draw closer to him. In Pastor Ron's lesson he talked about an article he'd read in a newspaper here recently. He said that there was an 18 year old girl who was reported missing for 8 days after she disappeared from a party in Washington state. He said that when the reporters talked to the parents they presumed that she was dead because no one had heard of anyone living after 8 days of no food or water; the parents and town thought she was dead. He said that somehow a woman in the church in the same town read this article and began to pray for God to help her find this girl. She said that she had dream after dream of God telling her where to look in the woods for this girl and finally He told her to "GO! Find her!" So the woman took her daughter and went to the spot that she'd seen in her dream. When they were there she said she prayed for God to help the girl cry out to them so that they would know where she was and as they called out "We love you", the girl answered "I'm here. I think I'm in trouble because I broke curfew."
He talks about the point of checking our character is because the closer we are to God, the better He can use us. And the less sin there is in our lives, the better we are able to hear His message. He said that after a while if we allow sin to be in our lives, without footing it out each time we sin, it will start to cloud our judgement and will drown out the message that God's trying to put within us.
As I said before it reminded me those beautiful butterflies. Aren't we, God's children, ALL mankind His butterflies? Don't we all start as something so tiny and unseen into a beautiful butterfly that can and will gladly, joyfully spread its wings? In fact once a butterfly reaches the caterpillar state it grows to about 27,000 times the size it was when it first emerged from its egg. Isn't that God's will for us, to strive to grow 27,000 times larger than what we were at the beginning?
I also learned that the wings of butteflies are actually transparent and that their wings are made of irredescent scales that overlap like shingles on a roof to form a colorful wing. Isn't that God's beautiful design in us? He gives us layer after layer of unique and individual design which vibrantly could only have been created through His nourishment? Butterflies also learn how to taste with their feet and that they do not have mouths that bite or chew. "Tasting with our feet? Ew! And how in the world are we supposed to talk on the phone with no mouth?" Well, what if instead of literal we saw it as God wanted us to use our feet for the nourishment of our bodies, instead of our mouths. I think the power in this statement is in our actions. We can't just say we're christian or that we love God. Our nourishment, our strength, comes in seeking Him through our actions.
Lastly, may we see the beauty in God's design by knowing that the buttefly does not spin it's own cocoon as moths do often weaving with silken threads, however the caterpillar sheds its final skin to reveal a pupa. The pupal stage is only found in holometabolous insects, those that undergo a complete metamorphosis, going through four life stages; embryo, larva, pupa, and imago, which is often referred to as the mature or adult stage. Now, once the caterpillar sheds its final skin to reveal the pupa, the outer skin hardens to form a chrysalis which protects and hides the amazing transformation that is occurring inside.
Isn't that amazing; God's amazing plan for us can be seen through the beautiful transformation of a butteflies life!
In examining my own life and my own sin and really taking a look at the areas that are holding me back I'd like to end with a short prayer.
Dear Father,
Oh how beautiful and amazing your design for this world! I thank you with a heart full of gladness the ability to view such wonderful creations! Father, I close my mouth, humble myself, and simply ask that You search my heart and soul and help me see the areas where I have been wrong, where I have been delaying my own transformation and denying Your nourishment. Father, I thank you for the constant love and strength that you continue to give me each day, Father help me become Your butterfly.
In all your glory I pray through Christ's name,
Amen.
As I was headed out to the bank to put a down payment on my birthday present I was excited to see the beautiful yellow butterflies that flew in front of the car. "What a perfect day", I thought as I drove on. The wonderful weather, the bright sun; not too much heat, not too much humidity. It's marvelous.
As I'm driving along I hear a wonderful sermon on the radion (89.5 His Radio). Pastor Ron Vietti, of the Valley Bible Fellowship, was talking about how we can't change our behaviors without changing our character. The point he was trying to make was just that, that if we're trying to live a Christ-centered life than we can't do that unless we first #1 peel off our old self and become a new babe in the eyes of Christ through baptism. We then can't expect to see changes if we aren't willing to change our cores, our characters. He tells us that we sin and will continue to sin unless we change our ways and that doesn't mean just simply changing our behaviors. He says that God sets the bar with perfection, but we know that as humans we can never reach perfection, however, that we should strive to reach it in this life or the next because the consequences of not trying, of giving up are far too great to risk. We can read these accolades through the beautiful proclaimations found in Psalm 119 and several other places in the bible.
After paying the deposit I hopped back in the car and found myself listening to yet another wonderful message, however, this one was through the teachings of Brother Chris Engrim from livingontheedge.com. It was through this lesson that I reached another defining moment in which I knew I had to come home and write about it. He passionately talked about our actions and behaviors and what they would be if we only had seven days to live. As I listened I asked myself, what would I do if I had only seven more days to live? Would I have been on Facebook checking status' and comments? Would I be on hulu.com watching one of my favorite television shows? Would I spend my time sleeping because the stresses of life were too much to bare? He talked about procrastination and time management so that we can ensure our lives are whole and just through God, focused on Him ALWAYS!
What I've learned is that it's much like the life of those beautiful butterflies I kept seeing fly around my car as I drove to and from home. Perhaps that was God's message to me, that I really look to see what sin is in my life that I need to change in order to draw closer to him. In Pastor Ron's lesson he talked about an article he'd read in a newspaper here recently. He said that there was an 18 year old girl who was reported missing for 8 days after she disappeared from a party in Washington state. He said that when the reporters talked to the parents they presumed that she was dead because no one had heard of anyone living after 8 days of no food or water; the parents and town thought she was dead. He said that somehow a woman in the church in the same town read this article and began to pray for God to help her find this girl. She said that she had dream after dream of God telling her where to look in the woods for this girl and finally He told her to "GO! Find her!" So the woman took her daughter and went to the spot that she'd seen in her dream. When they were there she said she prayed for God to help the girl cry out to them so that they would know where she was and as they called out "We love you", the girl answered "I'm here. I think I'm in trouble because I broke curfew."
He talks about the point of checking our character is because the closer we are to God, the better He can use us. And the less sin there is in our lives, the better we are able to hear His message. He said that after a while if we allow sin to be in our lives, without footing it out each time we sin, it will start to cloud our judgement and will drown out the message that God's trying to put within us.
As I said before it reminded me those beautiful butterflies. Aren't we, God's children, ALL mankind His butterflies? Don't we all start as something so tiny and unseen into a beautiful butterfly that can and will gladly, joyfully spread its wings? In fact once a butterfly reaches the caterpillar state it grows to about 27,000 times the size it was when it first emerged from its egg. Isn't that God's will for us, to strive to grow 27,000 times larger than what we were at the beginning?
I also learned that the wings of butteflies are actually transparent and that their wings are made of irredescent scales that overlap like shingles on a roof to form a colorful wing. Isn't that God's beautiful design in us? He gives us layer after layer of unique and individual design which vibrantly could only have been created through His nourishment? Butterflies also learn how to taste with their feet and that they do not have mouths that bite or chew. "Tasting with our feet? Ew! And how in the world are we supposed to talk on the phone with no mouth?" Well, what if instead of literal we saw it as God wanted us to use our feet for the nourishment of our bodies, instead of our mouths. I think the power in this statement is in our actions. We can't just say we're christian or that we love God. Our nourishment, our strength, comes in seeking Him through our actions.
Lastly, may we see the beauty in God's design by knowing that the buttefly does not spin it's own cocoon as moths do often weaving with silken threads, however the caterpillar sheds its final skin to reveal a pupa. The pupal stage is only found in holometabolous insects, those that undergo a complete metamorphosis, going through four life stages; embryo, larva, pupa, and imago, which is often referred to as the mature or adult stage. Now, once the caterpillar sheds its final skin to reveal the pupa, the outer skin hardens to form a chrysalis which protects and hides the amazing transformation that is occurring inside.
Isn't that amazing; God's amazing plan for us can be seen through the beautiful transformation of a butteflies life!
In examining my own life and my own sin and really taking a look at the areas that are holding me back I'd like to end with a short prayer.
Dear Father,
Oh how beautiful and amazing your design for this world! I thank you with a heart full of gladness the ability to view such wonderful creations! Father, I close my mouth, humble myself, and simply ask that You search my heart and soul and help me see the areas where I have been wrong, where I have been delaying my own transformation and denying Your nourishment. Father, I thank you for the constant love and strength that you continue to give me each day, Father help me become Your butterfly.
In all your glory I pray through Christ's name,
Amen.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Patience
Today, I've got one thing on my mind. One idea that I just can't seem to understand and maybe the riddle of life is that we aren't supposed to understand everything. God's ways are His ways anyway and I get that. I get that we're not supposed to understand everything but we're supposed to hope, and love, and fear Him.
The past few days has been a whirlwind of emotion all over again. I've got from blissful, to manic, to depressive, to happy, to just plain okay. It's been an irratic and uncontrollable and I've realized more than anything today a few things.
Number one, sometimes it's easier to give advice than it is to truly retain it and use it yourself. In my last post I talked about how God's timing is perfect but I also talked about those defining moments where you are environmental, physically, emotionally, and spiritually forced to make a decision that's going to "define" how you live your life after that. Because God is such an amazing Father we get ample opportunities to make, what seems like the same choices over and over if we don't choose wisely the first time. He's a giver of opportunities and multiple chances...why? The simple answer is because His love for us is beyond any measure of doubt. He sent His son while we were all still sinners and while we all hated Jesus, He died for us. Maybe because we hear this story told over and over we aren't fully able to really take it in. It's not just a story in a book that some guy wrote a long time ago and we doubt ever truly existed. It's real as if it were today. And maybe because we hear it so much it's to be a reminder of such. Regardless, that's not the first point I'd like to make. Recently, my faith and love for God has been tested beyond measures and while I've fallen short on several occasions, ultimately I've chosen Him yet again. I believe that throughout my life God has given me numerous opportunities to stand up for myself and my beliefs, to have that push that I needed to enter that next part of the journey. Last night was sort of the last straw and it became more clear to me that's what was happening.
Satan was using the most important person in my life, the closest to my heart against me, and he was trying to destroy my faith. It's what he does best, but this seemed more tricky than he's ever been before, to which I can only assume his own fears of losing me. It's funny because a couple of nights ago I remember going to bed and saying, "bring it on satan, bring it on". He definitely listened and brought on more than I could possible take, but with the help from God's wisdom through a friend and scriptures and my heart I didn't crumble. Last night I had my defining moment and although it may seem small to some, or selfish to others, or fears to others, for me...it was the moment where I excelled in the next chapter of my life. It was extremely scary because I'm afraid that I'll lose that person that means the most to me, but at the same time I can't sacrifice myself or my own faith just to keep that person. I'd be doing no glory for God, no justice for myself, and nothing for that other person.
The second thing I wanted to talk about has to do with the first. Giving, or at thinking you give more than others give you. What I've begun to read in my 12 Steps book is that sometimes these are flaws that develop from a dysfunctional family growing up that has translated into unhealthy thinking that make you either think that people are just out to get the good guy, or to think that you're better than someone else because you self-sacrifice or whatever. From listening to Jay, pastor of Grand Strand Church of Christ, God tells us that we are ALL on equal ground and that we ALL are going to the judgement. This concept and idea is so humbling to me because thinking about it I'm reminded that my peers, the ones who choose to ignore me instead of reaching out and encouraging, or the people at work who choose to live a different life from mine, with different religious backgrounds...we are ALL on equal ground and we are ALL going to be judged one day. Maybe I'm rare in this thinking but at the same time I'm flawed too. I can judge as well but when I think about the fact that a gay friend or a murder or a rapist out in the world today...I try my best not to be hurt or offended by their actions because number 1 they were innocent babies too, number 2 they are humans who've chosen a different path than I, and number three they aren't wrong if they truly haven't found the right path yet. That path is God and Jesus Christ and it's our job to help them find it, with the wisdom and glory He gives to us to help them find it. It's not our job to judge or shame or condemn them. So this second topic isn't only directed towards the "worst of the worst" if you choose to look at it that way, it's directed towards all sinners, including myself and the sincerity of our intentions to edify and encourage others, not because we're the good guys and one day we'll be blessed because of it, but because we are children of God and this is our job, this is what we're paid for and if you're paid with nothing less than life with no riches but you have faith that God is Lord and Almighty than you're the one of the riches in the world, I'd say. So, when I get frustrated because I send a mass text to friends edifying and encouraging them to have a wonderful day it should be because I'm doing my job and not because I expect them to reach out to me when I'm sad. This is often where I am wrong and where I need to practice patience, which brings me to third topic I'd like to talk about.
However, I have to start getting ready for work so I'm going to go and I'll write more later after work. Thank you for taking the time in reading this post and my hope is that something in this blog has pierced your heart, giving you the notion to open your eyes and see that there just might be a defining moment right around the corner, waiting to be made. May I encourage you to fight the fears and take that first step; we'll do it together.
The past few days has been a whirlwind of emotion all over again. I've got from blissful, to manic, to depressive, to happy, to just plain okay. It's been an irratic and uncontrollable and I've realized more than anything today a few things.
Number one, sometimes it's easier to give advice than it is to truly retain it and use it yourself. In my last post I talked about how God's timing is perfect but I also talked about those defining moments where you are environmental, physically, emotionally, and spiritually forced to make a decision that's going to "define" how you live your life after that. Because God is such an amazing Father we get ample opportunities to make, what seems like the same choices over and over if we don't choose wisely the first time. He's a giver of opportunities and multiple chances...why? The simple answer is because His love for us is beyond any measure of doubt. He sent His son while we were all still sinners and while we all hated Jesus, He died for us. Maybe because we hear this story told over and over we aren't fully able to really take it in. It's not just a story in a book that some guy wrote a long time ago and we doubt ever truly existed. It's real as if it were today. And maybe because we hear it so much it's to be a reminder of such. Regardless, that's not the first point I'd like to make. Recently, my faith and love for God has been tested beyond measures and while I've fallen short on several occasions, ultimately I've chosen Him yet again. I believe that throughout my life God has given me numerous opportunities to stand up for myself and my beliefs, to have that push that I needed to enter that next part of the journey. Last night was sort of the last straw and it became more clear to me that's what was happening.
Satan was using the most important person in my life, the closest to my heart against me, and he was trying to destroy my faith. It's what he does best, but this seemed more tricky than he's ever been before, to which I can only assume his own fears of losing me. It's funny because a couple of nights ago I remember going to bed and saying, "bring it on satan, bring it on". He definitely listened and brought on more than I could possible take, but with the help from God's wisdom through a friend and scriptures and my heart I didn't crumble. Last night I had my defining moment and although it may seem small to some, or selfish to others, or fears to others, for me...it was the moment where I excelled in the next chapter of my life. It was extremely scary because I'm afraid that I'll lose that person that means the most to me, but at the same time I can't sacrifice myself or my own faith just to keep that person. I'd be doing no glory for God, no justice for myself, and nothing for that other person.
The second thing I wanted to talk about has to do with the first. Giving, or at thinking you give more than others give you. What I've begun to read in my 12 Steps book is that sometimes these are flaws that develop from a dysfunctional family growing up that has translated into unhealthy thinking that make you either think that people are just out to get the good guy, or to think that you're better than someone else because you self-sacrifice or whatever. From listening to Jay, pastor of Grand Strand Church of Christ, God tells us that we are ALL on equal ground and that we ALL are going to the judgement. This concept and idea is so humbling to me because thinking about it I'm reminded that my peers, the ones who choose to ignore me instead of reaching out and encouraging, or the people at work who choose to live a different life from mine, with different religious backgrounds...we are ALL on equal ground and we are ALL going to be judged one day. Maybe I'm rare in this thinking but at the same time I'm flawed too. I can judge as well but when I think about the fact that a gay friend or a murder or a rapist out in the world today...I try my best not to be hurt or offended by their actions because number 1 they were innocent babies too, number 2 they are humans who've chosen a different path than I, and number three they aren't wrong if they truly haven't found the right path yet. That path is God and Jesus Christ and it's our job to help them find it, with the wisdom and glory He gives to us to help them find it. It's not our job to judge or shame or condemn them. So this second topic isn't only directed towards the "worst of the worst" if you choose to look at it that way, it's directed towards all sinners, including myself and the sincerity of our intentions to edify and encourage others, not because we're the good guys and one day we'll be blessed because of it, but because we are children of God and this is our job, this is what we're paid for and if you're paid with nothing less than life with no riches but you have faith that God is Lord and Almighty than you're the one of the riches in the world, I'd say. So, when I get frustrated because I send a mass text to friends edifying and encouraging them to have a wonderful day it should be because I'm doing my job and not because I expect them to reach out to me when I'm sad. This is often where I am wrong and where I need to practice patience, which brings me to third topic I'd like to talk about.
However, I have to start getting ready for work so I'm going to go and I'll write more later after work. Thank you for taking the time in reading this post and my hope is that something in this blog has pierced your heart, giving you the notion to open your eyes and see that there just might be a defining moment right around the corner, waiting to be made. May I encourage you to fight the fears and take that first step; we'll do it together.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Brooke Christl- "Beautiful Me" Photoshoot!
Cross your fingers that I contacted Betty, office manager for Brooke Christl Photography in time because if so that means I'm DOING THE BEAUTIFUL ME PHOTOSHOOT!!!!!!! Yay! This is huge because not only is this something that I've wanted to do for a while but it's the only thing I wanted for my 25th birthday in October! I didn't think it would happen because of money but they lowered the price so now with this special deal I'll be saving $200 AND the photos will be ready for my birthday! Yay! I'm so excited but like I said, 'cross your fingers'!
Just had to share!
Just had to share!
Friday, August 27, 2010
"The Poor Man's Hollywood"
It's been a few days, alright, it's been since Monday that I've written and so far I haven't quite kept up with my end of the bargain have I? I set out to write every day and I've obviously fallen short, but tonight I'm reminded that it's okay. It's okay sometimes to fall short of your goals, especially when you can find your resolve to get back up and strive again.
I'm in the middle of reading some very real and interesting information that's really going to, and is helping me understand more about myself. I'm learning the ins and outs of my illness and really learning when to take proactive steps to prevent hurtful symptoms that are truly, uncontrollable.
What I mean is that I'll always have this illness inside of me, which is the 'uncontrollable' part, but what I can control are my own preventative measures that surround this condition and truly that surround life. I know that I cannot control my environment such as the weather or what peers think and do, but I can control how I will react to the unknown. Instead of fearing it God lets us know that He is there and to rest on Him through our doubts so that we may pass through that barrier of fear and know that there is hope. He tells us to trust in Him when we are afraid, weak, and weary of life.
While I was on break from this book I've been reading I went down to the laundry room to switch my clothes over to the dryer. At first I was motivated to come straight home and pick back up where I left off in my book. I felt like there was a pressure in getting as much information as possible tonight, but God had other plans.
Remember last week I wrote about a man by the name of Jamie Simms? He was the author who started talking to me while I was at work one day about his life and his tribulations. Well, God did it again.
I wasn't able to catch her name but she had the sweetest eyes I've seen in a while. They were the palest of blue, which seemed to compliment her translucent skin. Her face was no doubt worn from the years but her skin looked soft and pure, wholesome and healthy might be better words. She looked so delicate.
As I began loading a load of white clothes into the washer she began talking to me about the weather and how she'd moved here from Florida partially because she'd heard that the weather wasn't as hot. At this comment I began to chuckle knowing that if I've learned anything from 15 years in Myrtle Beach, it's that the weather, specifically the humidity, isn't as comforting as some of the tourist would hope for; unless you have very dry skin, in which the humidity would help that tremendously. Still, I stood there thinking "yeah, no kidding!"
As she began to tell me about her recent desire to change her surroundings I became more interested in her words. I thought, I could certainly appreciate when she'd said, "when you find out that you're sick you just realize that you don't want to be alone anymore so you change it". She didn't talk about what was wrong with her, which I thought was refreshingly different considering we live in a world where most people take a victimizing stance on life, where everything just seems to happen to them and that allows them to act the way that they act, or be the people they choose to be. Well, yes, you can choose to be someone who sits with self-pity or you can choose to be someone who makes their own set of circumstances instead of letting the uncontrollable define you as a victim. It became clear that she was the latter.
She'd chosen to research her options and retirement facility in VA, where she'd originally lived before moving to Florida. She went on to tell me about all of the perks of living in such a facility that provides care for the elderly and disabled. They have their own grocery market and library/computer lab. They provide services such as grocery shopping, laundry, and cleaning services. They provide a bus to transport and set up "trips" to travel the local areas, and Wal-mart if necessary, on-site physical therapists, and personal pharmaceutical deliveries. From her excitement it was clear that she has grown very passionate in relocating to this particular facility and has made that decision to change her surroundings in order to become the healthier, happier person that she wants to be. She's gotten to that point in her life when she knows she's getting older, she knows she wants change, she knows she wants acceptance, and she knows she's the only one that's going to make it happen for herself, just like her decision to leave Florida.
"The poor man's Hollywood", as she'd named the state of Florida. Her description of Floridians seemed spot on in some areas, but in others were a little too judgemental. She'd said that the whole place just seemed like they were trying too hard to be something that they weren't. She said that they weren't nice in that "they went out of their way to be rude". She used words such as "aggressive", "fake", "showy", and even "unsophisticated". She explained that most people she'd seen did things that just weren't right or moral for humans to do, like drinking on the job, or an employee smashing glass bottles in the super market parking lot. "A lot of drinkers and partiers", she'd said. She said that a lot of people drove nice cars but they didn't have any money and that they just had this sort of better than everyone attitude about life. She said that the aggressiveness was ultimately the last straw in her decision to move here.
Of course I bare no judgement on Floridians because I, myself, haven't really had bad experiences with Floridians, however, I have not lived there. In fact, one of Steve's best friends of 15 years has lived in Florida for quite some time, which on one level made me snicker at some of the words she'd chosen to use because they were the same words I would've used to describe him. Regardless, my judgement remains mute simply for the fact that I know that people all have different opinions and perceptions of life in general.
It's not so much that it's Florida, the state, but rather the times in life when things are aggressive and uncontrollable. When life around you is seemingly so uncontrollable that it can put you in such a state of depression, but that it doesn't have to. There is hope that there is something that you can control, especially in the midst of chaos.
I think the importance of this experience was that she got to a point in her life where she realized that something wasn't working for her and she knew and took the responsibility of taking that next step to change it. I admired that about her because even in her rant she never once gave me the indication that she was proud of such an achievement. That's not to say that she's not happy with her decision or proud that she changed her life, because I'm sure she is, but she wasn't boastful about it. There was a certain sense of control, and ease in her actions, a comfort in knowing that she was alone and that she did have the strength, regardless of her circumstances.
A few days ago something miraculous happened. Actually, a few amazing things happened in my own life that has brought me admiration for meeting this woman in the laundry room. A few days ago I started a bible study called "Soul Shaping: Disciplines that conform you to the image of Christ". It's written by Tim Wilson and was a gift I'd received last year for Christmas. In the beginning of chapter one of this study the author talks about not only the value of God's impeccable timing but also those defining moments that we experience in life. A defining moment is "a critical juncture when you must make a decision that will have significance ramifications for the future direction of your life".
First, I'd like to acknowledge the value of God's impeccable timing in sharing with you one of the stories the author used.
"Timing is everything
The period of the judges was the "wild, wild West" of biblical times, featuring battles between Israel and its enemies, the Moabites, the Philistines, the Amalekites, and the Ammonites. One of the judges, Samson, exercised great feats of strength. This colorful character used the jawbone of a donkey as a weapon to defeat the Philistines (see Judges 15:15) and killed a lion with his bare hands; later he returned and ate honey from its carcass (see Judges 14:6-9). Another judge, Gideon, was the youngest son from the weakest family in Manasseh; yet God used him to defeat the Midianites and the Amalekites. Under God's direction he whittled down the army from 22,000 to 300 troops before they attacked and defeated the Midianites with trumpets, fire, and swords (see Judges 7).
Another judge of Israel was Deborah (see Judges 4:5). I know I am stating the obvious, but Deborah was a woman. Many people have the mistaken notion that God is seist. Perhaps they are confusing the Bible's cultural setting with its message. While much of Scripture is set in a repressive culture, the Bible's message is liberating, showing the value of all human life. All people are created in God's image-men and women alike. Furthermore, all have sinned and fallen short of God's glory. The apostle Paul gave the definitive word on all humanity's equality before God when he wrote, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nore female: for yea are all one in Christ Jesus." (Gal. 3:28, KJV).
Deborah was more than just a judge. She was the only judge described as a prophetess'. Like Moses before her, she spoke to the people for God during a difficult time in their history. God didn't choose Deborah as a judge and a prophetess to be inclusive. HE chose the best person for the job, and she excelled in it.
The times demanded a strong leader. The people of God were captives in Canaan under Jabin, the king of Canaan, and Sisera, his commander. General Barak and his army were doing nothing about the situation, so Deborah summoned him to her court and said to him, "Hasn't the Lord, the God of Israel, commanded [you]: 'Go, deploy [the troops] on Mount Tabor, and take with you 10,000 men from the Naphtalites and Zebulunites'?" (see Judges 4:6).
Deborah took a no-nonsense approach with Barak: she called him out for his laziness, fear, and doubt, demanding that he account for his inaction. She reminded him that God had already promised that He would lure Sisera and his army into a location where Israel's army would prevail against them. Barak agreed to go but only if Deborah would go with him. She consented to go into battle with Barak, but she warned him that his conquest would be void of honor and that he would not defeat Sisera. God would use a woman to do that.
Timing was everything. They needed to launch the attack at just the right time. How would Deborah know when to attack? Ten thousand men followed Barak into battle, while Sisera brought nine hundred iron chariots to the theater of operations. Barak followed Deborah, and Deborah followed God. She depended on Him to know when the time was right.
When the time was right, Deborah told Barak to attack. Timing was everything. They needed the element of surprise. Deborah relied on God to give her the wisdom she needed to discern the proper time to give the attack order.
When the army of the Lord descended on Canaan's army, the Lord confused the enemy, and the Lord's army was triumphant. It destroyed everyone except Sisera, who left his chariot and fled on foot to find sanctuary in the home of a friend. The friend's wife welcomed him into their tent and offered him something to drink. Exhausted, he asked her to stand watch for him while he got some sleep. As he drifted off, he didn't know that he would never awake. Using a tent stake, the woman killed him in his sleep. Meanwhile, Barak, filled with confidence from the battle, led a hunt for Sisera. When Barak arrived at the tent, Heber's wife showed Barak Sisera's dead body. As Deborah had prophesied, God used a woman to defeat Sisera. "That day God subdued Jabin king of Canaan before the Israelites. The power of the Israelites continued to increase against Jabin king of Canaan until they destroyed him" (see Judges 4:23-24). God's timing was right.
Again, a defining moment is a critical juncture when you must make a decision that will have significant ramifications for the future direction of your life. Albeit a woman who needed to move out of an aggressive atmosphere to find a sense of friendship, community, and peace; or a woman who chooses to let God define her life and behaviors instead of a mental illness; or a man who enters the battle of recovering from years of addiction. The hope is knowing that God's timing is right!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Random
Right about now I feel like I'm eating everything in sight like some goat or something. What is going on? AHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
In other news....I've got 24 more ounces of water to drink and 15 minutes until my challenges for today are complete! Yay!
In other news....I've got 24 more ounces of water to drink and 15 minutes until my challenges for today are complete! Yay!
Daily Challenge: 1
Today I'm going to challenge myself to drink 8-8 ounce glasses of water. I'm usually very good about drinking water, however, lately I've been drinking apple juice and cranberry juice, which isn't too bad considering it's not like soda. I've finished my cranberry juice and I want to focus on drinking more water again. So today, 8-8 ounce glasses of water!
My second challenge for today will be staying off of Facebook for the remainder of the night. I know, it doesn't seem like it should be much of a challenge but everytime I connect with the internet I find myself checking both e-mails and immediately after, my facebook. So, to limit my usuage and to discipline myself I will be challening myself to no Facebook for the rest of the day.
My third challenge today will be limited text messaging to one person in particular. Nothing against this person or texting, however, it's a similar situation as Facebook. I need to discipline myself, again, to think beyond only wanting to communicate with this person. I've got to remember to protect my heart and at the same time be kind, patient, and understanding.
Those are my challenges today.
My second challenge for today will be staying off of Facebook for the remainder of the night. I know, it doesn't seem like it should be much of a challenge but everytime I connect with the internet I find myself checking both e-mails and immediately after, my facebook. So, to limit my usuage and to discipline myself I will be challening myself to no Facebook for the rest of the day.
My third challenge today will be limited text messaging to one person in particular. Nothing against this person or texting, however, it's a similar situation as Facebook. I need to discipline myself, again, to think beyond only wanting to communicate with this person. I've got to remember to protect my heart and at the same time be kind, patient, and understanding.
Those are my challenges today.
Week One: A Spiritual Journey: A Working Guide to Healing
A couple of posts ago I talked about a workbook that I had begun working through during my time spent in Shelocta, PA. In that recent post I aslo talked about using my blog as my accountability partner and small support group. Starting with this blog I'll summarize Week One through Week Four before I begin work on each Step.
In the last blog that I wrote I talked about the preparation and readiness that we must have in order to be useful to God's will. Such is this journey we're beginning as well. If you think about a company that usually hires from outside their regular employees most will agree that the sole purpose is to train a fresh mind.
Some of the benefits of working a workbook like this, twelves steps, helps to reclaim our birthright as children of a compassionate God. We were created in His image and have the gift of free will. The journey we are about to begin is intended to awaken us to God's grace and give us opportunity to experience peaceful and productive living. Feelings of unworthiness, anxiety, and inferiority diminsh and are replaced by spiritual strength and virtues. Focusing on our new relationship with God transforms our obsessive need for other people's approval. Our attention is, instead, captivated by the promise of new life in Christ. Ask yourself, What personal need brings you to this meeting or step study? Describe your practice of prayer, Bible reading, or quiet time.
The twelves steps takes us from a life of confusion and grief to a place of peace and serenity-one day at a time. Many changes will happen, however, they will not happen all at once. This process will take time, devotion, and patience. God, in His time, instills in us the strength of character that only comes from a healthy relationship with Him. Describe your present spiritual condition.
Because of the chaotic conditions of our childhood, we developed behaviors that now sabotage and assault the successful management of our lives as adults. Having grown up in emotionally repressive families, we became accustomed to denying our pain and discomfort. Most of us found it necessary to shut down our feelings and keep everything locked inside. We learned that expressing our own wants and needs caused rejection. This rejection stimulated intense feelings of inadequacy. Recall one painful incident from childhood.
In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensate for our repressed feelings by doing things to extreme. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood-altering substances such as drugs and alcohol. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feeling? How do these behaviors affect the rest of your life?
The healing process begins when we look honestly at ourselves. We see the chaotic conditions of our lives as a result of not being prepared for adult relationships and responsibilities. God has given us free will. We can choose several ways of relating to the people and events in our lives. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Some of us were taught to believe that, if we are Christians, our lives will "automatically" be in order, and we will experience peace and serenity. Yet many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Time, patience, and commitment to God's principles and ways are required to change. And our Christian experience doesn't magically erase the pain or consequences of the past. Instead, our faith empowers us to live life according to God's will.
For Christians who suffer from and addictive disease, or who are the product of a family with addictive traits, the Church's message can sometimes be perceived as shaming. This can keep a person from seeking recovery. There is rarely confusion, however, when the Church's message is honesty. The Bible modeled this honesty by documenting the strengths and weaknesses of God's people. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean that we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfection means we need God, and that's OK. True recovery begins as we work the spiritual principles embodied in the twelve steps. It is most easily accomplished when we acknowledge our need for help, comfort, and courage to face our problems.
Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendency to deny your need for healing.
Standing before the Lord and seeking his healing grace does not automatically relieve us of the conseqences of our past behavior. We do find, however, that by asking God for help in facing our old behaviors, we are able to begin the work of change and healing. Diligently seeking God's will for us and working the material in this book enables us to reexamine our relationship with God. With the help of God's grace we experience changes in our unwanted behaviors such as people pleasing, repressed anger, obsessive thinking, or inappropriate sexual behavior. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow?
With God's power, the twelve step program can be a tool to relieve our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.
In the last blog that I wrote I talked about the preparation and readiness that we must have in order to be useful to God's will. Such is this journey we're beginning as well. If you think about a company that usually hires from outside their regular employees most will agree that the sole purpose is to train a fresh mind.
Some of the benefits of working a workbook like this, twelves steps, helps to reclaim our birthright as children of a compassionate God. We were created in His image and have the gift of free will. The journey we are about to begin is intended to awaken us to God's grace and give us opportunity to experience peaceful and productive living. Feelings of unworthiness, anxiety, and inferiority diminsh and are replaced by spiritual strength and virtues. Focusing on our new relationship with God transforms our obsessive need for other people's approval. Our attention is, instead, captivated by the promise of new life in Christ. Ask yourself, What personal need brings you to this meeting or step study? Describe your practice of prayer, Bible reading, or quiet time.
The twelves steps takes us from a life of confusion and grief to a place of peace and serenity-one day at a time. Many changes will happen, however, they will not happen all at once. This process will take time, devotion, and patience. God, in His time, instills in us the strength of character that only comes from a healthy relationship with Him. Describe your present spiritual condition.
Because of the chaotic conditions of our childhood, we developed behaviors that now sabotage and assault the successful management of our lives as adults. Having grown up in emotionally repressive families, we became accustomed to denying our pain and discomfort. Most of us found it necessary to shut down our feelings and keep everything locked inside. We learned that expressing our own wants and needs caused rejection. This rejection stimulated intense feelings of inadequacy. Recall one painful incident from childhood.
In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensate for our repressed feelings by doing things to extreme. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood-altering substances such as drugs and alcohol. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feeling? How do these behaviors affect the rest of your life?
The healing process begins when we look honestly at ourselves. We see the chaotic conditions of our lives as a result of not being prepared for adult relationships and responsibilities. God has given us free will. We can choose several ways of relating to the people and events in our lives. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Some of us were taught to believe that, if we are Christians, our lives will "automatically" be in order, and we will experience peace and serenity. Yet many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Time, patience, and commitment to God's principles and ways are required to change. And our Christian experience doesn't magically erase the pain or consequences of the past. Instead, our faith empowers us to live life according to God's will.
For Christians who suffer from and addictive disease, or who are the product of a family with addictive traits, the Church's message can sometimes be perceived as shaming. This can keep a person from seeking recovery. There is rarely confusion, however, when the Church's message is honesty. The Bible modeled this honesty by documenting the strengths and weaknesses of God's people. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean that we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfection means we need God, and that's OK. True recovery begins as we work the spiritual principles embodied in the twelve steps. It is most easily accomplished when we acknowledge our need for help, comfort, and courage to face our problems.
Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendency to deny your need for healing.
Standing before the Lord and seeking his healing grace does not automatically relieve us of the conseqences of our past behavior. We do find, however, that by asking God for help in facing our old behaviors, we are able to begin the work of change and healing. Diligently seeking God's will for us and working the material in this book enables us to reexamine our relationship with God. With the help of God's grace we experience changes in our unwanted behaviors such as people pleasing, repressed anger, obsessive thinking, or inappropriate sexual behavior. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow?
With God's power, the twelve step program can be a tool to relieve our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.
Hope for the broken hearted
As I promised here I am, writing. When I thought about writing earlier I didn't really think of what to say, so I just decided to think a little bit more about the inspiration to my blog post for today. It wasn't necessarily that I was out of ideas but rather that I had too many. As it often goes I had to organize my mental filing cabinet, deciding where the ideas were going to go before anything could actually make it in the files. Yeah, maybe that metaphor was a little too comlex for this time of night. haha.
Either way, I'm here.
I wanted to write about a simple prayer I'd had for the past few nights actually, which first I must say that I used to think that prayers worked like throwing coins in the wishing well where if you tell someone what you wished for it wouldn't come true. I've since realized that prayer isn't quite the same. Recently, I've started to pray that God mold me and make me into an able body to better serve His will. I've realized that through the past few months I couldn't help others the way that I was supposed to because I was so selfishly caught up in my own injuries to truly help with theirs. I know now that it's necessary for us to go through certain circumstantial situations in order to truly have the tools to not only sympathize but empathize and encourage others.
I also wanted to write about the broken-hearted and how such a little "word" could bring so much meaning and fullness to that of a broken heart. Hope. You see it was through my prayer to God that He was able to show me my hope. My hope in the purpose and plan He had for me, the hope in the beauty of my circumstances, the hope for the future anew.
Yesterday was a relatively great day! I really couldn't complain too much because I'd slept for so long, which made me feel like I'd caught up and was rested well enough to get through the night at work. I'd also taken the opportunity to enjoy lunch with a special friend of mine which was nice just getting to know another person for no other reason than to simply add to the knowledge of human behaviors and pure love and concern for their well being. As I went to work, positively being proactive with my mood by listening to my K-LOVE 88.9 in the car I started to think about the possibilities in my life again. I quickly became inspired to truly get going in my own healing process because time is so impatient.
Not only ten minutes was I at work and a man by the name of Jamie Simms came in to our store very interestingly. I had been at the front of the store greeting new guests in and out and as I was talking with another employee I was interested to see why this particular man had been standing closely as if he needed something. So I asked if there was anything I could help him find and as I walked towards him I felt such an urge to talk with him. He wasn't a particularily "interesting" looking man, but there's was just something about him that I knew I needed to talk to him because he was someone of importance. I departed from the employee and we began to talk about the Halloween decorations a certain pumpkin he'd been searching for since his last visit to our store. I was quick to show him where the item was located and he began to tell me about himself. As he walked through the front door I remember wondering why he was carrying a manilla folder with what looked like clippings from a newspaper but I wasn't about to ask him what it was. As he talked more about himself he then showed me what he'd brought with him. I'd learned that he was a broken heart as well. Perhaps he was brought to me for guidance, or just simply a kind smile, but there was a reason he'd come into our store... far greater than any pumpkin he'd see the week before.
I was in awe at the amount of information that this man shared with me and as he continued to talk I could feel my heart build and understand what he might be feeling. He'd told me of his newest achievement of writing his first, self-published horror novel and while I don't particularily like reading horror novels, especially those with creepy children as the main characters, I felt his pride through his words. He showed me the artwork for his book as well as the photograph he used to fill the back cover of the book. It wasn't in this information that I could relate but it was in that his girlfriend recently left him and he'd been apparently robbed of his first novel, "stolen" by the first publishing house he'd lost $40,000 to. So it was in those words that he was telling me that I could relate my feelings of neglect and hopelessness.
I felt such admiration to even be standing with such an interesting character, to be doing God's will by giving him advice and a testimony of my own recent attacks of faith. I'd told him that at the end of the day he had to know that if his love for his novel is what got him through to never give that up for anyone, but to know that there is hope in loving himself again. He'd been so hurt and I could tell because his constant usage of the word "alone" or "lonely", but I advised him that if he could get to a point where being "alone" was a gift and not a burden because of something he'd done wrong, than he'd find the person he desired because they would seek him.
After a little more conversation I began to see the appreciate on his face for my kind words and my patient responses and the intense concern I shared for this perfect stranger. He'd said, "and then I find and meet cool and sweet people like you and you're all married." At the end of our meeting I concluded my concern and appreciation for him with eye contact and a firm handshake thanking him for taking the time to share his story with me. As he turned around and began to walk out I could feel my heart smiling because it was just what I'd prayed for the night before. God had done it once again. He'd given me even more hope that He had before. He'd helped use my pain and struggle and the lessons I learned to help someone else through theirs. It only made me turn around with a happy, excited, bounce as I took comfort in knowing what I was now capable of.
The moral of the story isn't simply to be proud of yourself and what you do. God dwells in us. He is the one that's making this all possible, but we have to prepare ourselves for His work through us. Sometimes even in those darkest of days if all you can do is move slowly, staggered, and blinded...the purpose is to keep moving because eventually the path becomes narrow, straight, firm with His glory lighting your way.
As I close may I ask that tonight, even if you think you're "good" with God, to ask Him to mold you and make you to better do His will; that you not only see others through His eyes but that He give you the strength and the hope to be both willing and able to better serve Him. An influential woman once told me that sometimes you just have to finish the race. Just keep moving and He'll help you find the right path.
Either way, I'm here.
I wanted to write about a simple prayer I'd had for the past few nights actually, which first I must say that I used to think that prayers worked like throwing coins in the wishing well where if you tell someone what you wished for it wouldn't come true. I've since realized that prayer isn't quite the same. Recently, I've started to pray that God mold me and make me into an able body to better serve His will. I've realized that through the past few months I couldn't help others the way that I was supposed to because I was so selfishly caught up in my own injuries to truly help with theirs. I know now that it's necessary for us to go through certain circumstantial situations in order to truly have the tools to not only sympathize but empathize and encourage others.
I also wanted to write about the broken-hearted and how such a little "word" could bring so much meaning and fullness to that of a broken heart. Hope. You see it was through my prayer to God that He was able to show me my hope. My hope in the purpose and plan He had for me, the hope in the beauty of my circumstances, the hope for the future anew.
Yesterday was a relatively great day! I really couldn't complain too much because I'd slept for so long, which made me feel like I'd caught up and was rested well enough to get through the night at work. I'd also taken the opportunity to enjoy lunch with a special friend of mine which was nice just getting to know another person for no other reason than to simply add to the knowledge of human behaviors and pure love and concern for their well being. As I went to work, positively being proactive with my mood by listening to my K-LOVE 88.9 in the car I started to think about the possibilities in my life again. I quickly became inspired to truly get going in my own healing process because time is so impatient.
Not only ten minutes was I at work and a man by the name of Jamie Simms came in to our store very interestingly. I had been at the front of the store greeting new guests in and out and as I was talking with another employee I was interested to see why this particular man had been standing closely as if he needed something. So I asked if there was anything I could help him find and as I walked towards him I felt such an urge to talk with him. He wasn't a particularily "interesting" looking man, but there's was just something about him that I knew I needed to talk to him because he was someone of importance. I departed from the employee and we began to talk about the Halloween decorations a certain pumpkin he'd been searching for since his last visit to our store. I was quick to show him where the item was located and he began to tell me about himself. As he walked through the front door I remember wondering why he was carrying a manilla folder with what looked like clippings from a newspaper but I wasn't about to ask him what it was. As he talked more about himself he then showed me what he'd brought with him. I'd learned that he was a broken heart as well. Perhaps he was brought to me for guidance, or just simply a kind smile, but there was a reason he'd come into our store... far greater than any pumpkin he'd see the week before.
I was in awe at the amount of information that this man shared with me and as he continued to talk I could feel my heart build and understand what he might be feeling. He'd told me of his newest achievement of writing his first, self-published horror novel and while I don't particularily like reading horror novels, especially those with creepy children as the main characters, I felt his pride through his words. He showed me the artwork for his book as well as the photograph he used to fill the back cover of the book. It wasn't in this information that I could relate but it was in that his girlfriend recently left him and he'd been apparently robbed of his first novel, "stolen" by the first publishing house he'd lost $40,000 to. So it was in those words that he was telling me that I could relate my feelings of neglect and hopelessness.
I felt such admiration to even be standing with such an interesting character, to be doing God's will by giving him advice and a testimony of my own recent attacks of faith. I'd told him that at the end of the day he had to know that if his love for his novel is what got him through to never give that up for anyone, but to know that there is hope in loving himself again. He'd been so hurt and I could tell because his constant usage of the word "alone" or "lonely", but I advised him that if he could get to a point where being "alone" was a gift and not a burden because of something he'd done wrong, than he'd find the person he desired because they would seek him.
After a little more conversation I began to see the appreciate on his face for my kind words and my patient responses and the intense concern I shared for this perfect stranger. He'd said, "and then I find and meet cool and sweet people like you and you're all married." At the end of our meeting I concluded my concern and appreciation for him with eye contact and a firm handshake thanking him for taking the time to share his story with me. As he turned around and began to walk out I could feel my heart smiling because it was just what I'd prayed for the night before. God had done it once again. He'd given me even more hope that He had before. He'd helped use my pain and struggle and the lessons I learned to help someone else through theirs. It only made me turn around with a happy, excited, bounce as I took comfort in knowing what I was now capable of.
The moral of the story isn't simply to be proud of yourself and what you do. God dwells in us. He is the one that's making this all possible, but we have to prepare ourselves for His work through us. Sometimes even in those darkest of days if all you can do is move slowly, staggered, and blinded...the purpose is to keep moving because eventually the path becomes narrow, straight, firm with His glory lighting your way.
As I close may I ask that tonight, even if you think you're "good" with God, to ask Him to mold you and make you to better do His will; that you not only see others through His eyes but that He give you the strength and the hope to be both willing and able to better serve Him. An influential woman once told me that sometimes you just have to finish the race. Just keep moving and He'll help you find the right path.
Friday, August 20, 2010
"Hilarity Insued"
A friend of mine often says "hilarity insues" or "insued" when he's telling a story. I usually think of this friend as an intelligent, inquisitive, and intellectual friend whos 'hilarity' is sure to make any story dramatic and interesting.
Here's mine for today! As most of my phone contacts know I sent a mass text message to all of them wishing their day as spectacular as mine had been. Some responded with a simple, "thanks. U 2" or a "It has been. How's your day?" My typical response to all them who asked was "Mine has been the same. Spectacular!" What made the morning spectacular could have very well been the ten hours of sleep that I got after turning my phone off and leaving my alarm clock unplugged. It most likely was because I woke up feeling more refreshed for having the day off to do whatever I wanted to do for fun. I wasted time, although now I don't see it as a "waste". I spent time reading a chapter in a book, writing for my blog, and treated myself to lunch. I didn't make any lists of things that I had to get done today and decided that today was just going to be fun, no matter what.
The funny part about this day actually happened a few days ago when another friend of mine sent me a text message telling me what his fortune cookie read for that day, which got me thinking about the box of fortune sticks I'd bought way back when I worked at Pier 1 Imports. At the time I think I bought them for a friend for Christmas but never gave it to him. Yeah, as matter of fact I bought it for a friend who used to be a pin-pal in the Army that was, at the time, overseas. I'd bought them for his care package but I didn't get it out on time; typical Katie fashion but that's beside the point. After my friend Andy told me his fortune I decided to go back to playfully pulling these sticks to see what mine would be. For the past month or so my friend Brantley and I would make fun of the fortunes I'd pick because they almost always came true in some way or another, even the most ridiculous ones.
Instead of just choosing one I'd gotten in the habit of pulling three, one at a time. I'm not sure the significance; perhaps a two out of three ratio or something like that justifying my choice in pulling only three. Either way...to the story.
The first stick read: "A friend has traveled far and from this you will both benefit." At first I thought that maybe this means literally; maybe a friend would surprise me with a visit, but it didn't happen. So then I thought that maybe it meant that a friend would reach out, far beyond their comfort zone and into unknown territory, and from this we would both benefit from it. Well, yesterday I received one of the best messages I'd ever gotten. It was a true testament to God's power and love and grace through His children. It was a message from an unlikely person who could have easily been angered by me or my actions, but chose grace instead. She told me that she was thankful I was a part of her husbands past life and gave me hope that I did more good than bad and that I should take pride in knowing that God will help me through my struggles. I was grateful to no end!
The final stick read: "You are loved for the way you are. Don't try to be different." It speaks for itself but on that day gave me more empowerment to wear what I wanted to wear, be who I wanted to be...because me, Katie, is enough!
The second stick, which ended up being the one that I just passed over as "nah, not true" read: "You will soon be moving." At first, like I said, I passed over it because I knew I didn't have the money to move, nor the desire, and I was sure that this meant literally. I had given it some thought yesterday remembering that my parents gave me an opportunity to manage their juice bars but it would mean moving to Jacksonville, NC and I had already told them that this wasn't a a great time in my life. Then I'd thought it might mean that I was supposed to take the opportunity to join the National Guard like I had looked into doing a few months ago. Just this morning I finally realized it had to be more than literal because God has given me such a wonderful opportunity to start with my counseling workbook again. I knew it had to mean instead of me literally packing everything and moving again, it meant that I was physically, mentally, but most importantly spiritually moving. So, I left it at that and went on with the rest of my "spectacular" day.
..."Where's the hilarity in that", you might ask...
When I got home from treating myself to one of the best philly cheesesteaks I'd had in a long time (perhaps because it was because I freely took just myself with no guilt or shame of being alone to go get it)....there was a surprise on my door.
"What? What?"
Posted on my apartment door was a notice to vacate the premises within ten days or contact the Myrtle Beach Magistrates office to set up a court appearance to appeal the eviction process. "The stick did mean literal", I told myself as I stood there and stared, reading the paper over and over again. Haha. I was floored at the irony of the day in general; that it's been one of the greatest days I've had in a long time but tested with destruction for my hardwork, but it was just that...a test. I knew that getting upset wouldn't change the outcome of the letter making it magically disappear if I cried long enough and hard enough. I knew that nothing less than passing it off as...hilarious irony would help so I did what I had to do. I called the magistrates office and got some information from them, in which they advised me to call my landlord and see what was going to happen next.
The irony isn't only in that this particular day started out wonderful, and naturally still is wonderful, but it's in that just yesterday I paid my rent. Each month, as most, rent is due by the first of the month and considered late on the fifth. I knew that this month would be cutting it close because my paycheck wouldn't be deposited until the 4th so I chances were I would simply pay it that night and not be charged the late fee and everything would work out. So, when my check went through I logged in to pay my rent through our new online automated payment system that they've just recently set up for our apartment complex. The first month went through fine, however, being that I just changed my bank information I had to use a new account which should've been fine. I paid rent on the fourth but it didn't give me a confirmation number, which I initially thought was weird but didn't think anything of it because I know that it was taken care of. So, last week I hadn't used the account at all because my paycheck just barely covered the rent and I knew that once that was taken out I'd have little cash left anyways so there was no reason for me to check my accounts balance each day. Well, as I said, last week I checked it because I had to get gas and saw that the $500 was still there, which meant that rent hadn't been drafted from my account but that they had now charged me the $50 for the rent being late. I had to wait until I got paid again so that I could then cover the rent and the $50 late fee, which meant paying just last night after my paycheck was deposited.
Long story short, I'm keeping the piece of paper as a souvenir because after calling the landlord she told me that I wasn't the only one who this happened to and that I should just tear up the notice because it sent them a confirmation saying that I had made a payment.
Moral of the story...we got to learn to let go of the things we cannot control before they control us. Sometimes when all you have to do is laugh and let it roll off of you...you've just gotta do it. I'm learning...one hilarious day at a time.
Here's mine for today! As most of my phone contacts know I sent a mass text message to all of them wishing their day as spectacular as mine had been. Some responded with a simple, "thanks. U 2" or a "It has been. How's your day?" My typical response to all them who asked was "Mine has been the same. Spectacular!" What made the morning spectacular could have very well been the ten hours of sleep that I got after turning my phone off and leaving my alarm clock unplugged. It most likely was because I woke up feeling more refreshed for having the day off to do whatever I wanted to do for fun. I wasted time, although now I don't see it as a "waste". I spent time reading a chapter in a book, writing for my blog, and treated myself to lunch. I didn't make any lists of things that I had to get done today and decided that today was just going to be fun, no matter what.
The funny part about this day actually happened a few days ago when another friend of mine sent me a text message telling me what his fortune cookie read for that day, which got me thinking about the box of fortune sticks I'd bought way back when I worked at Pier 1 Imports. At the time I think I bought them for a friend for Christmas but never gave it to him. Yeah, as matter of fact I bought it for a friend who used to be a pin-pal in the Army that was, at the time, overseas. I'd bought them for his care package but I didn't get it out on time; typical Katie fashion but that's beside the point. After my friend Andy told me his fortune I decided to go back to playfully pulling these sticks to see what mine would be. For the past month or so my friend Brantley and I would make fun of the fortunes I'd pick because they almost always came true in some way or another, even the most ridiculous ones.
Instead of just choosing one I'd gotten in the habit of pulling three, one at a time. I'm not sure the significance; perhaps a two out of three ratio or something like that justifying my choice in pulling only three. Either way...to the story.
The first stick read: "A friend has traveled far and from this you will both benefit." At first I thought that maybe this means literally; maybe a friend would surprise me with a visit, but it didn't happen. So then I thought that maybe it meant that a friend would reach out, far beyond their comfort zone and into unknown territory, and from this we would both benefit from it. Well, yesterday I received one of the best messages I'd ever gotten. It was a true testament to God's power and love and grace through His children. It was a message from an unlikely person who could have easily been angered by me or my actions, but chose grace instead. She told me that she was thankful I was a part of her husbands past life and gave me hope that I did more good than bad and that I should take pride in knowing that God will help me through my struggles. I was grateful to no end!
The final stick read: "You are loved for the way you are. Don't try to be different." It speaks for itself but on that day gave me more empowerment to wear what I wanted to wear, be who I wanted to be...because me, Katie, is enough!
The second stick, which ended up being the one that I just passed over as "nah, not true" read: "You will soon be moving." At first, like I said, I passed over it because I knew I didn't have the money to move, nor the desire, and I was sure that this meant literally. I had given it some thought yesterday remembering that my parents gave me an opportunity to manage their juice bars but it would mean moving to Jacksonville, NC and I had already told them that this wasn't a a great time in my life. Then I'd thought it might mean that I was supposed to take the opportunity to join the National Guard like I had looked into doing a few months ago. Just this morning I finally realized it had to be more than literal because God has given me such a wonderful opportunity to start with my counseling workbook again. I knew it had to mean instead of me literally packing everything and moving again, it meant that I was physically, mentally, but most importantly spiritually moving. So, I left it at that and went on with the rest of my "spectacular" day.
..."Where's the hilarity in that", you might ask...
When I got home from treating myself to one of the best philly cheesesteaks I'd had in a long time (perhaps because it was because I freely took just myself with no guilt or shame of being alone to go get it)....there was a surprise on my door.
"What? What?"
Posted on my apartment door was a notice to vacate the premises within ten days or contact the Myrtle Beach Magistrates office to set up a court appearance to appeal the eviction process. "The stick did mean literal", I told myself as I stood there and stared, reading the paper over and over again. Haha. I was floored at the irony of the day in general; that it's been one of the greatest days I've had in a long time but tested with destruction for my hardwork, but it was just that...a test. I knew that getting upset wouldn't change the outcome of the letter making it magically disappear if I cried long enough and hard enough. I knew that nothing less than passing it off as...hilarious irony would help so I did what I had to do. I called the magistrates office and got some information from them, in which they advised me to call my landlord and see what was going to happen next.
The irony isn't only in that this particular day started out wonderful, and naturally still is wonderful, but it's in that just yesterday I paid my rent. Each month, as most, rent is due by the first of the month and considered late on the fifth. I knew that this month would be cutting it close because my paycheck wouldn't be deposited until the 4th so I chances were I would simply pay it that night and not be charged the late fee and everything would work out. So, when my check went through I logged in to pay my rent through our new online automated payment system that they've just recently set up for our apartment complex. The first month went through fine, however, being that I just changed my bank information I had to use a new account which should've been fine. I paid rent on the fourth but it didn't give me a confirmation number, which I initially thought was weird but didn't think anything of it because I know that it was taken care of. So, last week I hadn't used the account at all because my paycheck just barely covered the rent and I knew that once that was taken out I'd have little cash left anyways so there was no reason for me to check my accounts balance each day. Well, as I said, last week I checked it because I had to get gas and saw that the $500 was still there, which meant that rent hadn't been drafted from my account but that they had now charged me the $50 for the rent being late. I had to wait until I got paid again so that I could then cover the rent and the $50 late fee, which meant paying just last night after my paycheck was deposited.
Long story short, I'm keeping the piece of paper as a souvenir because after calling the landlord she told me that I wasn't the only one who this happened to and that I should just tear up the notice because it sent them a confirmation saying that I had made a payment.
Moral of the story...we got to learn to let go of the things we cannot control before they control us. Sometimes when all you have to do is laugh and let it roll off of you...you've just gotta do it. I'm learning...one hilarious day at a time.
365 Days of Recovery
Recently I read an article from Yahoo about a woman who lost her job and instead of hitting the streets with her resume she decided to take the time and start a blog. Each day she bought an article of clothing for $1 and re-vamped it into some new piece of clothing. As I was looking through the photos she mostly chose extra large dresses that she then cut and sewed to make into smaller, more tailored dresses for herself. The patterns were pretty crazy, but overall I like her concept. Like the movie, "Julie & Julia", she chose to do this for $365, for 365 days. Each day she would create a new piece of clothing. I was interested not only because of her inspiration from that movie and her willingness to do something different, but because it was just something she wanted to do for fun.
I remember when I was in Pennslyvania for a couple of months I got to a point where I would do things just for fun as well. I'd walk around the neighboring homes and fields and take pictures. I'd try to find new paths through the woods in the back of the house to explore. I would go for walks and fast-paced challenging up-hill/downhill runs because I wanted to get into shape. It became something I did for myself, to feel better.
I was also working with a counselor once a week to talk about my past and present feelings, rejections, acceptance, etc. I used to think, as I progressively got worse in my illness again that she, my counselor was the miracle worker. I had thought that there was no way I would be able to get back to that unless I found another counselor willing to help me and perhaps that's why I've found so much trouble finding someone. At first, recently, I started seeing a therapist that was ridiculously priced but I told myself that it was worth it because I would be getting better. After having to stop seeing him because I could no longer afford it, I began to lose hope in getting better because no one would and could help me. A few weeks after procrastinating I felt rejection again when I finally called the references he had given me for a more affordable solution. They couldn't see me until September and only offered forms of medication to heal the problem instead of starting at the root of it. At this point I had also had a friend, with similar issues, refer me to her therapist, which took a few calls to actually get an answer from. Again, rejection.
I really didn't understand why this was happening because I was asking God for help and He was presenting all of these possibilities and opportunities to seek help, but I just kept being rejected. 'Why', I would wonder and soon ask God Himself. I couldn't understand why if I was seeking help and it was being provided that something, money, or time, was always in the way.
While I was working with my counselor in Pennslyvania we started a workbook called, The Twelve Steps, A Spiritual Journey. It was very helpful to me and even after I'd moved back to South Carolina and in with my husband again I'd continued through the workbook with her through our phone sessions. I made it through Step 8 and was so proud of myself for doing so well, especially under the environmental circumstances, that I decided that I was going to try it myself. After that I fell flat. I kept up with the workbook for a couple more weeks, but never made it past Step 8.
I've realized through going back and starting over with my workbook that I didn't fail. I simply misplaced the importance of counsel. To me, I was succeeding because I had my counselor, because she was the miracle worker helping me through it. I had put it into her hands the outcome of my recovery and I think that's why I sought so much counsel after that. I never thought that I was able, or qualified enough to do it myself. Afterall, who really believes that if someone with an illness doesn't take medication for it can really help themselves get better? The answer is simple. I do.
I remember asking myself a few weeks ago what I was so worried about with helping myself because I knew that with God's help anything was possible. I knew that I didn't need to start taking medication simply to make people believe that I was recovering. While I was in Pennslyvania I didn't take medication and I don't need to take it now, but I do need to practice self-control and accountability more. That is where my skills are lacking but God has given me all the tools to recover from them, I just have to use them. I've realized that a valuable tool He has given me is time alone, in a safe and controlled environment. He's given me the peace and calm of coming home to no one badgering or belittling or even being. This time alone is a blessing and I should treat it as such.
He's also given me my workbook as a tool. I didn't go to Pennslyvania to learn the importance of a counselor, I went to learn the importance of His counsel through me. I am everything I need to get better and with the help and guidance of this workbook He brought to my life, I am able to be everything I need to get better.
So, today I will start my own "365 day" blog, but instead of it being like the woman in the article, or even the movie, I will write each day as I work through this workbook again.
A part of the reason why I thought that I had to actually go to seek counseling was because it was an accountability, which wasn't a wrong thought because at the time I did feel more powerful knowing that I was physically making the effort to drive to her office for our session. Now, I realize through reading the second week in my workbook that my "small group" will be my blog. Each day I will share with you my scares and my triumphs of recovery through each lesson. I look forward to this 'project' not only because it helps me learn and correct my character flaws, but it will also help me help others through my own struggles.
I thank God, sincerely, for everything! There simply aren't any words to express my gratitude so this blog will become a way that I can serve Him in all His glory! I pray you will benefit from these lessons, as I have and will continue to.
I remember when I was in Pennslyvania for a couple of months I got to a point where I would do things just for fun as well. I'd walk around the neighboring homes and fields and take pictures. I'd try to find new paths through the woods in the back of the house to explore. I would go for walks and fast-paced challenging up-hill/downhill runs because I wanted to get into shape. It became something I did for myself, to feel better.
I was also working with a counselor once a week to talk about my past and present feelings, rejections, acceptance, etc. I used to think, as I progressively got worse in my illness again that she, my counselor was the miracle worker. I had thought that there was no way I would be able to get back to that unless I found another counselor willing to help me and perhaps that's why I've found so much trouble finding someone. At first, recently, I started seeing a therapist that was ridiculously priced but I told myself that it was worth it because I would be getting better. After having to stop seeing him because I could no longer afford it, I began to lose hope in getting better because no one would and could help me. A few weeks after procrastinating I felt rejection again when I finally called the references he had given me for a more affordable solution. They couldn't see me until September and only offered forms of medication to heal the problem instead of starting at the root of it. At this point I had also had a friend, with similar issues, refer me to her therapist, which took a few calls to actually get an answer from. Again, rejection.
I really didn't understand why this was happening because I was asking God for help and He was presenting all of these possibilities and opportunities to seek help, but I just kept being rejected. 'Why', I would wonder and soon ask God Himself. I couldn't understand why if I was seeking help and it was being provided that something, money, or time, was always in the way.
While I was working with my counselor in Pennslyvania we started a workbook called, The Twelve Steps, A Spiritual Journey. It was very helpful to me and even after I'd moved back to South Carolina and in with my husband again I'd continued through the workbook with her through our phone sessions. I made it through Step 8 and was so proud of myself for doing so well, especially under the environmental circumstances, that I decided that I was going to try it myself. After that I fell flat. I kept up with the workbook for a couple more weeks, but never made it past Step 8.
I've realized through going back and starting over with my workbook that I didn't fail. I simply misplaced the importance of counsel. To me, I was succeeding because I had my counselor, because she was the miracle worker helping me through it. I had put it into her hands the outcome of my recovery and I think that's why I sought so much counsel after that. I never thought that I was able, or qualified enough to do it myself. Afterall, who really believes that if someone with an illness doesn't take medication for it can really help themselves get better? The answer is simple. I do.
I remember asking myself a few weeks ago what I was so worried about with helping myself because I knew that with God's help anything was possible. I knew that I didn't need to start taking medication simply to make people believe that I was recovering. While I was in Pennslyvania I didn't take medication and I don't need to take it now, but I do need to practice self-control and accountability more. That is where my skills are lacking but God has given me all the tools to recover from them, I just have to use them. I've realized that a valuable tool He has given me is time alone, in a safe and controlled environment. He's given me the peace and calm of coming home to no one badgering or belittling or even being. This time alone is a blessing and I should treat it as such.
He's also given me my workbook as a tool. I didn't go to Pennslyvania to learn the importance of a counselor, I went to learn the importance of His counsel through me. I am everything I need to get better and with the help and guidance of this workbook He brought to my life, I am able to be everything I need to get better.
So, today I will start my own "365 day" blog, but instead of it being like the woman in the article, or even the movie, I will write each day as I work through this workbook again.
A part of the reason why I thought that I had to actually go to seek counseling was because it was an accountability, which wasn't a wrong thought because at the time I did feel more powerful knowing that I was physically making the effort to drive to her office for our session. Now, I realize through reading the second week in my workbook that my "small group" will be my blog. Each day I will share with you my scares and my triumphs of recovery through each lesson. I look forward to this 'project' not only because it helps me learn and correct my character flaws, but it will also help me help others through my own struggles.
I thank God, sincerely, for everything! There simply aren't any words to express my gratitude so this blog will become a way that I can serve Him in all His glory! I pray you will benefit from these lessons, as I have and will continue to.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
"67th Avenue"
WOW!
The beach is amazing! The air is cool enough to exhaust the humidity and yet i'm not too chilled to cause regret for my newly shaved legs. My feet are relaxed and at home, comforted by the damp sand. What a magnificent day! It truly has been nothing less. Even the smell of the ocean, neither stuffy nor potent; a perfect blend of rythmic tune. I could fall asleep right here.
What if in life we could capture these moments in large mason jars? Our memories of each feeling, scent, hue, and tint would be trapped inside so that with every twist of the cap we feel the exact feeling as the day we first tricked it into the jar. Like a favorite movie watched over and over, there would be no change in script or substance. Could that even be possible?
I think perhaps the only difference and impossibility of that concept is the constant change of our perception. I ask myself would it truly be a treasured moment if it had the capability of being fully captured? We are able to remember details such as a shell from the sand or a picture taken of the horizon but that one exact moment we can never re-create. Maybe that's the point. Maybe we're supposed to, in the moment, treasure the bigger picture because it simply won't last forever.
Being here I'm reminded of that whole year when Steve and I were in Denver. There were no salt-flavored sunsets or sand nuzzled comfortably between my toes. There were no roaring waves providing tranquility. While big, beautiful, colorful, and creative...it was no Myrtle Beach and yet while roaring, and breezy...this is no Denver. I've realized that is's all in the way we perceive and appreciate our surroundings. I think somewhere in the selfishness I forgot to look right in front of me in the beautiful cinema God has provided. The greatest of all is in its unique creation it costs little to witness...but you surely must purchase a ticket in order to truly experience the full effect.
The beach is amazing! The air is cool enough to exhaust the humidity and yet i'm not too chilled to cause regret for my newly shaved legs. My feet are relaxed and at home, comforted by the damp sand. What a magnificent day! It truly has been nothing less. Even the smell of the ocean, neither stuffy nor potent; a perfect blend of rythmic tune. I could fall asleep right here.
What if in life we could capture these moments in large mason jars? Our memories of each feeling, scent, hue, and tint would be trapped inside so that with every twist of the cap we feel the exact feeling as the day we first tricked it into the jar. Like a favorite movie watched over and over, there would be no change in script or substance. Could that even be possible?
I think perhaps the only difference and impossibility of that concept is the constant change of our perception. I ask myself would it truly be a treasured moment if it had the capability of being fully captured? We are able to remember details such as a shell from the sand or a picture taken of the horizon but that one exact moment we can never re-create. Maybe that's the point. Maybe we're supposed to, in the moment, treasure the bigger picture because it simply won't last forever.
Being here I'm reminded of that whole year when Steve and I were in Denver. There were no salt-flavored sunsets or sand nuzzled comfortably between my toes. There were no roaring waves providing tranquility. While big, beautiful, colorful, and creative...it was no Myrtle Beach and yet while roaring, and breezy...this is no Denver. I've realized that is's all in the way we perceive and appreciate our surroundings. I think somewhere in the selfishness I forgot to look right in front of me in the beautiful cinema God has provided. The greatest of all is in its unique creation it costs little to witness...but you surely must purchase a ticket in order to truly experience the full effect.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Inspired by lyrics
Have you ever just been driving in your car and a song comes on the radio or from a CD that you've barely listened to but it speaks to your heart? Or have you searched for that song and finally found the words to the feelings that you've been trying to get out all along? Lately, I truly feel that God has helped mend my broken heart with song. In my car I listen to the christian station but sometimes I'll listen to what some christians would call "secular" music. Don't get me wrong, every now and then I don't think too much when I'm singing a catchy song like "POW, POW, POW" by the Black Eyed Peas. What I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful for lyricists and songwriters. Most of the time I walk around feeling emotions that I can't even pin-point what they are, but if I listen to music it's like I relate in some deep emotional way where words aren't even needed.
I want to aspire to be like that in my lifetime. No, I'm not saying I'd like to be a songwriter, which would be great, but I don't think I'd be good at it. I'm saying that I'd like to do or say, or act a way that has the same influence on others; something that inspires them to strive for a great day, or even a great moment of joy, relief even.
As a christian this is our life song. Our testament can move people in the same way, but it's not like we can just slap a few words that ryhme down on the piece of paper. We've got to first think about what type of song we're going to do, which most likely is based off of our feelings and life experiences. Now we take those feelings and we put them into action; we make words. Then we've got to make sure we've got a proper plan of organization, some sort of rythm to the words. Before you know it you've made a new hit single that's plastered all over the radio. Shouldn't our faith be the same way? Shouldn't we want to desire a life of inspiration for others? Not to become boastful or arrogant, but to be proud in calling our Father, Jesus Christ; that our pride dwells through our actions towards our faith, towards our God.
I want this for my life. I was once a strong woman; stronger than now. I woke up and breathed life with every second the wind blew past me. I looked around with thankful eyes, able to see God's vivid creations. I talked and I walked with Him, putting Him first before anything and everything. Have you ever had a moment like that?
In time I know I'll be an even stronger woman of faith. And I'll soar on wings like eagles as my Father flies beside me.
I want to aspire to be like that in my lifetime. No, I'm not saying I'd like to be a songwriter, which would be great, but I don't think I'd be good at it. I'm saying that I'd like to do or say, or act a way that has the same influence on others; something that inspires them to strive for a great day, or even a great moment of joy, relief even.
As a christian this is our life song. Our testament can move people in the same way, but it's not like we can just slap a few words that ryhme down on the piece of paper. We've got to first think about what type of song we're going to do, which most likely is based off of our feelings and life experiences. Now we take those feelings and we put them into action; we make words. Then we've got to make sure we've got a proper plan of organization, some sort of rythm to the words. Before you know it you've made a new hit single that's plastered all over the radio. Shouldn't our faith be the same way? Shouldn't we want to desire a life of inspiration for others? Not to become boastful or arrogant, but to be proud in calling our Father, Jesus Christ; that our pride dwells through our actions towards our faith, towards our God.
I want this for my life. I was once a strong woman; stronger than now. I woke up and breathed life with every second the wind blew past me. I looked around with thankful eyes, able to see God's vivid creations. I talked and I walked with Him, putting Him first before anything and everything. Have you ever had a moment like that?
In time I know I'll be an even stronger woman of faith. And I'll soar on wings like eagles as my Father flies beside me.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Nightly Prayer
Heavenly Father,
I thank you so much for the work that you're doing inside of me. I can feel Your wisdom preparing me to better accept Your will. I thank you for entrusting me with that knowledge and loving me beyond measures. There are simply no words to express my gratitude but I know that the power is not in my words, it lies in my deeds and good will. I know that I must look like You and I must above all love. Heavenly Father I ask for the courage to disipate the reigning fear in my life, making me unable to receive Your good works and blessings. Help me gather my strength so that I may learn to fight for my own wants and desires against satan's adament ways to attack me. Lord, I have allowed him to take my time away from You; for that I ask Your holy forgiveness and grace. I know that I must fight harder in order to win the battle against him.
Heavenly Father I come to you with such a happy heart knowing that my brother, Steve, is in good hands. I know that You hold him close and protect him with Your impeccable timing. Lord I ask that You help him learn to not only acknowledge the areas of his life that need work, but to also learn to trust in You more, as well as in himself. I pray that he will find the strength and the courage to continue his battle against satan as well and draw closer to you. Father, I ask for you to protect him against satan allowing him a chance to see what his life would be like, and is when You reign in his heart and not fear alone. Father, strengthen his faith and love for You above anything else.
Father I ask that you be with Kim as she tries to find a solution to her current situation. Lord, her cats are her lifeline right now and if she is to part ways with them I ask that you help her find the strength and the courage to find a new lifeline to hang on to for comfort and security.
I ask that you be with those who are physically hurting tonight; those who are struggling with spritual disturbances. Heavenly Father I also ask that you help provide an opportunity to bring in more income so that I may be able to pay for the things that I must take care of. Lord, I pray that it will also be enough hours so that I may learn the value of time management in my studies so that I may better take the opportunities to study Your word. I ask for more opportunities and willpower in doing that as well. Father, help fill my mind with Your inspiring words so that I may better learn how to be more like You. Teach me Your ways and understanding; mold me and make me in the ways that you see fit! With a loving heart I pray in your most Holy name, amen!
I thank you so much for the work that you're doing inside of me. I can feel Your wisdom preparing me to better accept Your will. I thank you for entrusting me with that knowledge and loving me beyond measures. There are simply no words to express my gratitude but I know that the power is not in my words, it lies in my deeds and good will. I know that I must look like You and I must above all love. Heavenly Father I ask for the courage to disipate the reigning fear in my life, making me unable to receive Your good works and blessings. Help me gather my strength so that I may learn to fight for my own wants and desires against satan's adament ways to attack me. Lord, I have allowed him to take my time away from You; for that I ask Your holy forgiveness and grace. I know that I must fight harder in order to win the battle against him.
Heavenly Father I come to you with such a happy heart knowing that my brother, Steve, is in good hands. I know that You hold him close and protect him with Your impeccable timing. Lord I ask that You help him learn to not only acknowledge the areas of his life that need work, but to also learn to trust in You more, as well as in himself. I pray that he will find the strength and the courage to continue his battle against satan as well and draw closer to you. Father, I ask for you to protect him against satan allowing him a chance to see what his life would be like, and is when You reign in his heart and not fear alone. Father, strengthen his faith and love for You above anything else.
Father I ask that you be with Kim as she tries to find a solution to her current situation. Lord, her cats are her lifeline right now and if she is to part ways with them I ask that you help her find the strength and the courage to find a new lifeline to hang on to for comfort and security.
I ask that you be with those who are physically hurting tonight; those who are struggling with spritual disturbances. Heavenly Father I also ask that you help provide an opportunity to bring in more income so that I may be able to pay for the things that I must take care of. Lord, I pray that it will also be enough hours so that I may learn the value of time management in my studies so that I may better take the opportunities to study Your word. I ask for more opportunities and willpower in doing that as well. Father, help fill my mind with Your inspiring words so that I may better learn how to be more like You. Teach me Your ways and understanding; mold me and make me in the ways that you see fit! With a loving heart I pray in your most Holy name, amen!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
"Eat Pray Love"
What an amazing movie! And maybe I thought it was 'amazing' because of the position that I am in currently in my life because as I looked around the theatre as people arose from their seats I wondered if they had the same feelings as I did. You had the people who got up early, as soon as the first credit rolled because they didn't want to be bothered by the traffic of people exitting all at once. You had the younger woman who may not have really grasped the connection between real life and cinematic experience. You had the older generations, with their husbands, who may have gone simply because their wives asked them. And then there were the few who were moved by it, who wore regret on their face as they stood. Possibly regret for having the same opportunities but not taking them.
Either way I left thankful for my situation, thankful for the opportunity and the knowledge and the faith I carry with me. I left feeling enlightened and powerful and trusting, which is something I've desperately been wanting to feel connected to for a while. I left with inspirations to keep me going daily and is it crazy to say that a simple movie did that for me? Why would it be? Why shouldn't we find inspiration from every aspect of life around us? God created life right? And God created man right? Than can I not find my inspiration from the slightest of ideals?
I'll write more later, but for now just know that this is my moment. This is my time to go back, to find myself and when the time comes take the leap for love all over again, but with the control of knowing the balance between losing myself completely, or bending it slightly for love.
Either way I left thankful for my situation, thankful for the opportunity and the knowledge and the faith I carry with me. I left feeling enlightened and powerful and trusting, which is something I've desperately been wanting to feel connected to for a while. I left with inspirations to keep me going daily and is it crazy to say that a simple movie did that for me? Why would it be? Why shouldn't we find inspiration from every aspect of life around us? God created life right? And God created man right? Than can I not find my inspiration from the slightest of ideals?
I'll write more later, but for now just know that this is my moment. This is my time to go back, to find myself and when the time comes take the leap for love all over again, but with the control of knowing the balance between losing myself completely, or bending it slightly for love.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Reluctancy
Father,
I feel I have no will, no purpose, no drive, no hope. I feel I've slowly started to die because there is no hope. My brain knows that there is, but my heart feels different. Feels. At times I wonder why we such feelings. What purpose do they serve? Jealousy. Contempt. Fear. Love. Acceptance.
My head is telling me to cheer up because I will meet my match in the future, because You will see me through. It tells me that this didn't happen to me because I am unworthy of love, because I am at fault, because of anything to do with me. I can know that I am worth so much more to You and that I am so special that You would entrust such a duty on me. It tells me that logically, at this time in my life, it would be easier to find that 86% recovery rate and that this time is meant to find myself, to find my confidence, to fight my fears.
My heart tells me otherwise, however. It feels hurt, broken, and abandoned. I feel betrayed and abused. While I know I am no victim, I can't help but to feel that I have done nothing less than be the best person I know how to be and yet this still happened. I wonder if my fears brought me to this result. I wonder if in some way it is all my fault. Had I loved stronger, supported more, encouraged louder, and affirmed verbally and physically. I had I been short tempered, faithful, strong would this have still happened? Was this the result of my failings?
I tear even reading that word; typing the letters combined to form that word I tremble at. Failure. Most know that my husband struggled with this word, with this emotion. He longed for acceptance and pride from his family, his parents. While they made no large goals for him, somehow he always felt as if he fell short of their expectations pending nothing short of discourage. What most did not realize is that I, myself, struggle with this word as well. While his parents had little expectations, mine had great, almost impossible. In the shadows of a sister who let down our father (to him) I was bound to follow by trait even though we were nothing alike. The pride in my fathers voice when I came back to visit after leaving for art school was a new, unfamilar tone. I can only imagine the thoughts he has of me now, knowing that I left art school for a boy, for something to him shouldn't have happened. I find myself always feeling less of extrordinary in his eyes when I once knew the sparkle he kept for me.
A friend was right in saying that all women have "daddy issues". I will not continue.
Father, I am lost in the darkness often searching, guiding my hand on the wall for the light switch. No, lately I've given up on finding the switch. I've somehow plopped unwillingly, selfishly, fearfully in the center of a blackened room waiting for the switch to turn itself on. Iam so spoiled by You. Your righteousness has been unfailing. You've given and proven and tested and still I sit there doing nothing. Why? This I can't understand about myself. I feel so much desire but it's buried beneathe. The feeling that there's something right in front of me but I'm so lazy and unwilling to reach out and grab it. I know that I'm expected to take hold of myself, of my situation and stand proudly screaming your name. I know that I will continue to desend into the pit should I not get up and search once more, but still I sit. Why? Is it my heart that's bearing my weight keeping me floored?
I hate this feeling of disconnect from within my parts. I feel empty and much like swiss cheese. I feel as if my holes are showing and I am beginning to smell. I would love to see the light, to feel Your radiance shine on my face as it once did. I'm lost and I'm not sure how to stand. Father, can you help me stand? How selfish to even ask such a request I know. Time and time again You give me such opportunities and I am weak, afraid, weary of this worlds judgement.
I want to feel whole again! Please help me Father. I want to feel together with my adhesive firm and held. I know that I am so much stronger than this. Why won't I fight? I don't even really know where to begin so I'll begin with saying that I am sorry. I am sorry. This guilt I feel within my heart is so burdening, its hot like fire, burning holes in my soul allow the demons to sink in. I find myself wanting to pray, wanting to speak, but about what? What is it that I shall pray for now? I feel like I don't even deserve to go to You in prayer. I feel I don't deserve to know Your love, as I haven't and don't deserve to know or feel Steve's again.
Have I not, in my heart been faithful to You? Have I not fought hard eough?
Father I'm sorry. I simply can't find the words for prayer, to ask for what I need because I don't know. What I want is the feeling of his hands on my face again. What I want is to feel his kiss first thing in the morning. What I want is to hold his heart in my hands again, but this time with such care as my own. I don't want to feel sick to my stomach thinking about him being right there but not being able to touch him. What I want are the simplest of things, can't those be granted? What I would give to see his face, his smile, hear his laugh. He is my champion, I know that with everything I have and more. I do not want to be with another. I do not want to know life without him. I do not want to smile without sharing his. Wasn't my love an affection enough?
Father, if nothing else help me understand, help me find some resolve. Father, help me find hope that I can stand and that I will stand. I thank you that the weeks go by fast so that I may be pleasured with worshiping You with my brothers and sisters. At the same time I know that the faster they go by, this quicker the holidays approach, the quicker the loneliness will fill my world again. The quicker next year will arrive. I do not want to live without my husbands love. That's not to simply say I wish to die, but I do not want to experience joy and love with another. He was and is my everything. Should there not be any pride in saying that? We made vows, we promised forever, we promised always and forevermore. Father, please forgive me for my selfishness and help me find my way. I know nothing without Your guidance and feel nothing without Your love. I ask for Your everything in return and ask that you take the areas of me that satan has tainted. I have given them to him but now I give them back to You. Father, I am sorry please help me find my way in forgiving myself.
In Your most precious name I cry out to you, Amen.
I feel I have no will, no purpose, no drive, no hope. I feel I've slowly started to die because there is no hope. My brain knows that there is, but my heart feels different. Feels. At times I wonder why we such feelings. What purpose do they serve? Jealousy. Contempt. Fear. Love. Acceptance.
My head is telling me to cheer up because I will meet my match in the future, because You will see me through. It tells me that this didn't happen to me because I am unworthy of love, because I am at fault, because of anything to do with me. I can know that I am worth so much more to You and that I am so special that You would entrust such a duty on me. It tells me that logically, at this time in my life, it would be easier to find that 86% recovery rate and that this time is meant to find myself, to find my confidence, to fight my fears.
My heart tells me otherwise, however. It feels hurt, broken, and abandoned. I feel betrayed and abused. While I know I am no victim, I can't help but to feel that I have done nothing less than be the best person I know how to be and yet this still happened. I wonder if my fears brought me to this result. I wonder if in some way it is all my fault. Had I loved stronger, supported more, encouraged louder, and affirmed verbally and physically. I had I been short tempered, faithful, strong would this have still happened? Was this the result of my failings?
I tear even reading that word; typing the letters combined to form that word I tremble at. Failure. Most know that my husband struggled with this word, with this emotion. He longed for acceptance and pride from his family, his parents. While they made no large goals for him, somehow he always felt as if he fell short of their expectations pending nothing short of discourage. What most did not realize is that I, myself, struggle with this word as well. While his parents had little expectations, mine had great, almost impossible. In the shadows of a sister who let down our father (to him) I was bound to follow by trait even though we were nothing alike. The pride in my fathers voice when I came back to visit after leaving for art school was a new, unfamilar tone. I can only imagine the thoughts he has of me now, knowing that I left art school for a boy, for something to him shouldn't have happened. I find myself always feeling less of extrordinary in his eyes when I once knew the sparkle he kept for me.
A friend was right in saying that all women have "daddy issues". I will not continue.
Father, I am lost in the darkness often searching, guiding my hand on the wall for the light switch. No, lately I've given up on finding the switch. I've somehow plopped unwillingly, selfishly, fearfully in the center of a blackened room waiting for the switch to turn itself on. Iam so spoiled by You. Your righteousness has been unfailing. You've given and proven and tested and still I sit there doing nothing. Why? This I can't understand about myself. I feel so much desire but it's buried beneathe. The feeling that there's something right in front of me but I'm so lazy and unwilling to reach out and grab it. I know that I'm expected to take hold of myself, of my situation and stand proudly screaming your name. I know that I will continue to desend into the pit should I not get up and search once more, but still I sit. Why? Is it my heart that's bearing my weight keeping me floored?
I hate this feeling of disconnect from within my parts. I feel empty and much like swiss cheese. I feel as if my holes are showing and I am beginning to smell. I would love to see the light, to feel Your radiance shine on my face as it once did. I'm lost and I'm not sure how to stand. Father, can you help me stand? How selfish to even ask such a request I know. Time and time again You give me such opportunities and I am weak, afraid, weary of this worlds judgement.
I want to feel whole again! Please help me Father. I want to feel together with my adhesive firm and held. I know that I am so much stronger than this. Why won't I fight? I don't even really know where to begin so I'll begin with saying that I am sorry. I am sorry. This guilt I feel within my heart is so burdening, its hot like fire, burning holes in my soul allow the demons to sink in. I find myself wanting to pray, wanting to speak, but about what? What is it that I shall pray for now? I feel like I don't even deserve to go to You in prayer. I feel I don't deserve to know Your love, as I haven't and don't deserve to know or feel Steve's again.
Have I not, in my heart been faithful to You? Have I not fought hard eough?
Father I'm sorry. I simply can't find the words for prayer, to ask for what I need because I don't know. What I want is the feeling of his hands on my face again. What I want is to feel his kiss first thing in the morning. What I want is to hold his heart in my hands again, but this time with such care as my own. I don't want to feel sick to my stomach thinking about him being right there but not being able to touch him. What I want are the simplest of things, can't those be granted? What I would give to see his face, his smile, hear his laugh. He is my champion, I know that with everything I have and more. I do not want to be with another. I do not want to know life without him. I do not want to smile without sharing his. Wasn't my love an affection enough?
Father, if nothing else help me understand, help me find some resolve. Father, help me find hope that I can stand and that I will stand. I thank you that the weeks go by fast so that I may be pleasured with worshiping You with my brothers and sisters. At the same time I know that the faster they go by, this quicker the holidays approach, the quicker the loneliness will fill my world again. The quicker next year will arrive. I do not want to live without my husbands love. That's not to simply say I wish to die, but I do not want to experience joy and love with another. He was and is my everything. Should there not be any pride in saying that? We made vows, we promised forever, we promised always and forevermore. Father, please forgive me for my selfishness and help me find my way. I know nothing without Your guidance and feel nothing without Your love. I ask for Your everything in return and ask that you take the areas of me that satan has tainted. I have given them to him but now I give them back to You. Father, I am sorry please help me find my way in forgiving myself.
In Your most precious name I cry out to you, Amen.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tattoo
I'm scared.
I wear one of the newest tattoos on my right wrist which proudly reads: Psalm 56: 3. That passage has become one of my many favorites. I wanted to get it tattooed on my wrist to remind me to always trust in God. The passage proclaims, "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." Funny that the first thing I said when I started this post was that I was scared. I know that God will protect me and that I am always safe in His arms, but I am scared.
I've begged and pleaded and cried and prayed over and over to finally get the answers...for my husband to make his decision if he wants to stay married and work on being a great couple. Today I wasn't smart. Today I sent a text message pleading yet again. Perhaps because of this the phone call he will make tomorrow will have bad news. Perhaps it made him realize some things and it will be good news. Either way it's I hope this finally means that he's made his decision and that by the end of tomorrow I'll either be starting a new life as a soon-to-be divorcee or on the first step to recovering our marriage.
I'm nervous because I don't think it will be good news. I think that in combination to my actions lately with the text message I sent today that it was the last final straw that he could take of me. I don't blame him in a lot of ways for leaving me. I know that I am a handful and that I don't deserve him at times. Maybe he hasn't even made a decision and the phone call is simply to state that he needs more time in addition to the four months he's already gotten.
Do I really blame him for giving up and quitting? I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing if he sent me the text message I sent him. I was scared though. I was trying to protect him and shouldn't that count? He always wants me to be so understanding and to take everything he says at full worth and not out of context as single actions. Why are the standards so twisted?
Either way tomorrow when I wake up my tattoo that reads "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You" remains, however its up to me to read it, and truly understand it, and then to feel it no matter what happens.
I wear one of the newest tattoos on my right wrist which proudly reads: Psalm 56: 3. That passage has become one of my many favorites. I wanted to get it tattooed on my wrist to remind me to always trust in God. The passage proclaims, "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." Funny that the first thing I said when I started this post was that I was scared. I know that God will protect me and that I am always safe in His arms, but I am scared.
I've begged and pleaded and cried and prayed over and over to finally get the answers...for my husband to make his decision if he wants to stay married and work on being a great couple. Today I wasn't smart. Today I sent a text message pleading yet again. Perhaps because of this the phone call he will make tomorrow will have bad news. Perhaps it made him realize some things and it will be good news. Either way it's I hope this finally means that he's made his decision and that by the end of tomorrow I'll either be starting a new life as a soon-to-be divorcee or on the first step to recovering our marriage.
I'm nervous because I don't think it will be good news. I think that in combination to my actions lately with the text message I sent today that it was the last final straw that he could take of me. I don't blame him in a lot of ways for leaving me. I know that I am a handful and that I don't deserve him at times. Maybe he hasn't even made a decision and the phone call is simply to state that he needs more time in addition to the four months he's already gotten.
Do I really blame him for giving up and quitting? I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing if he sent me the text message I sent him. I was scared though. I was trying to protect him and shouldn't that count? He always wants me to be so understanding and to take everything he says at full worth and not out of context as single actions. Why are the standards so twisted?
Either way tomorrow when I wake up my tattoo that reads "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You" remains, however its up to me to read it, and truly understand it, and then to feel it no matter what happens.
Laura going away
Today I said 'goodbye' to another great friend. My friend, Laura, is going to grad school in Grenada. She'll be in such a luxurious area, however, will it feel that way to her? I'm so proud of what she's done with her life and the person that she's become. She's strong and courageous. I think that Laura and I have always had more than meets the eye in common. We're both strong, we're both courageous, but we've had to do it. It's been a choice in some areas but in others we've had to force ourselves to be the ones to pick up the pieces because there simply wasn't anyone there to do it for us and if there was we didn't trust them enough to do it right. Laura and I knew each other when I was 16 and we were working at Mrs. Field's at the Colonial Mall, which was then called the Briarcliffe Mall. At time the her sister Abbey worked there as well and Abbey never quite understood why I'd rather hang out with Laura instead of her. I think it was more because Laura and I had so much in common, but yet neither of us really knew what it was. I think we shared similar feelings and so we could relate to one another and truly understand where we were coming from.
I'm sad to see Laura go because I'm selfish and don't want her to leave. I know that she doesn't feel ready for this but sometimes you need that extra push to make the first move in your life. I think that I've felt that feeling the week before we went to Denver. I'd organized a yard sale that made over $1500 selling all of my things from my two bedroom apartment. What wasn't in the yard sale was then packed in vaccumed packed bags and shoes were thrown in trash bags. "Only what's necessity" we had to tell ourselves. I was excited to be going to school but I was terrified that I couldn't make it on my own, let alone supporting another person being a newly-wed. I had no idea what I was getting into but still I went for it. In some ways I knew I wasn't ready for it but I trucked along because it was too late to go back now. I think that Laura is feeling those same feelings right now, but in her case it's just her. For her, there is no newly wed companionship even if it wasn't really companionship that I had. Yes, I was married, and yes my husband was sweet and loving at first, but when things started get rough with school and money and life in general it became less and less like a companionship. I longed for that feeling to be loved, to be supported, to have that safety net to come home to knowing that I was still at least accepted for trying.
I want Laura to feel safe and proud, but not just today. I want her to get to a place where she can wake up and feel like there's nothing holding her back and there's everything ahead of her. I don't want her to be drowned with her emotions and feelings of what could've been had she not done this or that.
I often feel regret for leaving Denver. When I think about it I felt like I was supposed to be there and I know that in the beginning I was, but I have to remind myself that God had other plans. God knew that this was going to happen and He knew that He couldn't just give me that free ride from the past if I truly wanted to succeed in Him. He knew I'd have to battle through the feelings and come home....home to Myrtle Beach and face the music. Most of the time now I feel the pressure because I know that the longer I wait around and not do what He wants me to do, the longer I'll have to be here, in misery and pain, but yet still...I sit. Why?
I can understand a lot about myself but I can't understand that. Is it simply fear? It doesn't feel like its just that.
After I left Laura's house I cried a little on the way home because I had to say 'goodbye'. I'm so tired of saying 'goodbye' while someone else makes that step. You know the one? The step between old and new life. It's almost like baptism when you step in the water your just a sinner getting wet, but when you come back up and breathe that first breath you're no longer your old self. You're this new person who's going to have to battle the years of living in another person's body. Sometimes I wish I could be in someone else's body.
I'm not even sure if this is making any sense jumping back and forth between Laura and baptism and Denver, but the one thing that I'm trying to say is this....I want to fight. I want the option. I want the control of my own faith and my own mental health. I don't want to be afraid or be ashamed of the choices I've made. I know that when I left Denver it was for my husband and I know that when I left Pennslyvannia it was with hopes that our marriage would get better. I know that when I left the house and moved into this apartment it was because I had to take care of myself and at the same time take care of him. I know that I've made the right decisions through God but the hardest part is walking around feeling like I don't have to convince anyone else that my choices were through God and not for selfish reasons.
I don't want to feel horrible enough to hit myself anymore. I don't want to feel crazy or unable. I don't want to feel weak or tired or out of control. I want that clarity of knowing that the ledge is right there and all I have to do is jump, knowing that my faith and my God will take care of me. I don't want to have just one great day and fifteen horrible ones. When I was in PA I would wake up and often go outside and smell the air as I'd look around at the beautiful leaves changing. Or in Denver even when my husband and I had a fight, walking on my way to school I would look around and see that I was here, I was in my dream, and I was thankful for it. I would look up to the sky, close my eyes, and take a deep breathe and then I would come back down and know that everything, no matter what, would work out because I had God.
Maybe lately my faith has been failing. Maybe I've started to lose hope and that's why it has seemed to be that each day is just another day in passing. Today I am reminded that tomorrow Laura won't be a Myrtle Beach resident anymore. She'll be gone, started on that journey no matter if she's ready or not. She's on it. I don't want to be reminded that this is backwards, that this is me coming back to Myrtle Beach because I failed, because I failed at being a wife, because I failed at believing in God enough, because I failed at praying enough, because I failed at school. I want this to be my journey but where do I begin? And for that, I'll need His help. And for the accountability I'll need true friends. It's a never ending search but at least my faith hasn't failed enough to know that if I can endure it like He has, than my inheritance is waiting. Sometimes I get lost and I think that how could I, me, this horrible sinner, be welcome to the same love and devotion. Maybe I'm not, but maybe, just maybe...I am.
I'm sad to see Laura go because I'm selfish and don't want her to leave. I know that she doesn't feel ready for this but sometimes you need that extra push to make the first move in your life. I think that I've felt that feeling the week before we went to Denver. I'd organized a yard sale that made over $1500 selling all of my things from my two bedroom apartment. What wasn't in the yard sale was then packed in vaccumed packed bags and shoes were thrown in trash bags. "Only what's necessity" we had to tell ourselves. I was excited to be going to school but I was terrified that I couldn't make it on my own, let alone supporting another person being a newly-wed. I had no idea what I was getting into but still I went for it. In some ways I knew I wasn't ready for it but I trucked along because it was too late to go back now. I think that Laura is feeling those same feelings right now, but in her case it's just her. For her, there is no newly wed companionship even if it wasn't really companionship that I had. Yes, I was married, and yes my husband was sweet and loving at first, but when things started get rough with school and money and life in general it became less and less like a companionship. I longed for that feeling to be loved, to be supported, to have that safety net to come home to knowing that I was still at least accepted for trying.
I want Laura to feel safe and proud, but not just today. I want her to get to a place where she can wake up and feel like there's nothing holding her back and there's everything ahead of her. I don't want her to be drowned with her emotions and feelings of what could've been had she not done this or that.
I often feel regret for leaving Denver. When I think about it I felt like I was supposed to be there and I know that in the beginning I was, but I have to remind myself that God had other plans. God knew that this was going to happen and He knew that He couldn't just give me that free ride from the past if I truly wanted to succeed in Him. He knew I'd have to battle through the feelings and come home....home to Myrtle Beach and face the music. Most of the time now I feel the pressure because I know that the longer I wait around and not do what He wants me to do, the longer I'll have to be here, in misery and pain, but yet still...I sit. Why?
I can understand a lot about myself but I can't understand that. Is it simply fear? It doesn't feel like its just that.
After I left Laura's house I cried a little on the way home because I had to say 'goodbye'. I'm so tired of saying 'goodbye' while someone else makes that step. You know the one? The step between old and new life. It's almost like baptism when you step in the water your just a sinner getting wet, but when you come back up and breathe that first breath you're no longer your old self. You're this new person who's going to have to battle the years of living in another person's body. Sometimes I wish I could be in someone else's body.
I'm not even sure if this is making any sense jumping back and forth between Laura and baptism and Denver, but the one thing that I'm trying to say is this....I want to fight. I want the option. I want the control of my own faith and my own mental health. I don't want to be afraid or be ashamed of the choices I've made. I know that when I left Denver it was for my husband and I know that when I left Pennslyvannia it was with hopes that our marriage would get better. I know that when I left the house and moved into this apartment it was because I had to take care of myself and at the same time take care of him. I know that I've made the right decisions through God but the hardest part is walking around feeling like I don't have to convince anyone else that my choices were through God and not for selfish reasons.
I don't want to feel horrible enough to hit myself anymore. I don't want to feel crazy or unable. I don't want to feel weak or tired or out of control. I want that clarity of knowing that the ledge is right there and all I have to do is jump, knowing that my faith and my God will take care of me. I don't want to have just one great day and fifteen horrible ones. When I was in PA I would wake up and often go outside and smell the air as I'd look around at the beautiful leaves changing. Or in Denver even when my husband and I had a fight, walking on my way to school I would look around and see that I was here, I was in my dream, and I was thankful for it. I would look up to the sky, close my eyes, and take a deep breathe and then I would come back down and know that everything, no matter what, would work out because I had God.
Maybe lately my faith has been failing. Maybe I've started to lose hope and that's why it has seemed to be that each day is just another day in passing. Today I am reminded that tomorrow Laura won't be a Myrtle Beach resident anymore. She'll be gone, started on that journey no matter if she's ready or not. She's on it. I don't want to be reminded that this is backwards, that this is me coming back to Myrtle Beach because I failed, because I failed at being a wife, because I failed at believing in God enough, because I failed at praying enough, because I failed at school. I want this to be my journey but where do I begin? And for that, I'll need His help. And for the accountability I'll need true friends. It's a never ending search but at least my faith hasn't failed enough to know that if I can endure it like He has, than my inheritance is waiting. Sometimes I get lost and I think that how could I, me, this horrible sinner, be welcome to the same love and devotion. Maybe I'm not, but maybe, just maybe...I am.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Trust
I've realized just how much that every bit of life depends on one simple, but necessary element. Trust. I used to think that trust was merely a feeling, or an action you did to show forgiveness, gratitude, or even love. As I grow in my faith, and in my depression, I learn that trust is as necessary as air itself. As I walk to the car I trust that I won't fall down the flight of wooden stairs, or trip over the hose lying on the sidewalk. I trust that the driver behind me will be paying enough attention to stop or slow down as they see me stop at a red light. We trust so much and don't even notice. If we can't or won't notice that we're trusting elements, people, subjects, how are we to notice when others are trusting us? Should we be thankful in that trust?
Today I am reminded of a guest that I helped check out yesterday at work. It was a younger couple that had a single item; a clock. They approached the cash stand as I said "Have a wonderful day" to the last guest that recently left my register area. She hadn't purchased anything, however, she wanted me to ring her items up to see how much they would cost her. As I greeter the younger couple I stood there voiding each item on the screen instead of just 'aborting' the whole transaction. The young woman was reading the screen and at first had a look of worry in her eyes; no doubt because there were several items shown, totalling well over the amount of her item. As I noticed her surprise I said, "the screen is going to show you a bunch of items but you're not actually paying for them, don't worry." The young woman looked up at me and with a relaxed stance she smiled and said, "okay".
Shouldn't we have the same level of gratitude as we do trust? She had no idea what I was doing or even if I knew what I was doing, but she trusted not to question me. She didn't know me, or my background but yet she put her trust in swiping her credit card even though the screen told her that there were more items than she had at the cash stand. As I bagged her clock I started to think about the notion in general and it made my common goodbye so much more valuable, because I genuinely had a feeling of gratitude that she believed me, without a question or doubt, that I was going to take care of her, that I was telling the truth. I was that much more thankful.
As I left the mall today I crossed the parking lot and was reminded just how much we can trust someone, or something and that trust isn't noticed or isn't even respected. I stepped off the sidewalk and onto the pavement, crossing into the first lane towards my car when a large black truck jetted out in front of me. At first I continued my pace thinking they would have to yeild to me because I was already walking and that at the pace I was going it wouldn't take me long to get out of their way, however, my trust was misplaced or rather devalued. The truck continued on their path, at their pace, intruding my steps.
I think that God has given us so much of His own trust that we are often much like the black truck, instead of the younger woman at the cash stand. Often when we are told something completely different from what we see on the screen, proof, that we find it easier to ask the questions until we see the visible difference on the screen. But God wants us to look up, relax our stance, smile, and say, "okay". Often I find that I am yet another person who doesn't value the strengths and abilities that God has given me. I question, and I try to figure it out so much that my trust turns into a fear, which turns into an obsession, which leads to the darkness. "Relax", He'll tell me and yet I'll continue to put my foot on the gas regardless of who's standing right there, trusting me to slow down so they can pass.
Tonight, I am thankful for these thoughts. Tonight I am thankful for these notions and as little of trust as I think I have in certain people in my life, I take comfort in knowing that I have so much more trust in everything else, which gives me hope to be able to trust more in Him.
My hope is that someone will benefit from these simple words and my prayer is that you may know His glory and His good works through you as well.
Love,
Katie
Today I am reminded of a guest that I helped check out yesterday at work. It was a younger couple that had a single item; a clock. They approached the cash stand as I said "Have a wonderful day" to the last guest that recently left my register area. She hadn't purchased anything, however, she wanted me to ring her items up to see how much they would cost her. As I greeter the younger couple I stood there voiding each item on the screen instead of just 'aborting' the whole transaction. The young woman was reading the screen and at first had a look of worry in her eyes; no doubt because there were several items shown, totalling well over the amount of her item. As I noticed her surprise I said, "the screen is going to show you a bunch of items but you're not actually paying for them, don't worry." The young woman looked up at me and with a relaxed stance she smiled and said, "okay".
Shouldn't we have the same level of gratitude as we do trust? She had no idea what I was doing or even if I knew what I was doing, but she trusted not to question me. She didn't know me, or my background but yet she put her trust in swiping her credit card even though the screen told her that there were more items than she had at the cash stand. As I bagged her clock I started to think about the notion in general and it made my common goodbye so much more valuable, because I genuinely had a feeling of gratitude that she believed me, without a question or doubt, that I was going to take care of her, that I was telling the truth. I was that much more thankful.
As I left the mall today I crossed the parking lot and was reminded just how much we can trust someone, or something and that trust isn't noticed or isn't even respected. I stepped off the sidewalk and onto the pavement, crossing into the first lane towards my car when a large black truck jetted out in front of me. At first I continued my pace thinking they would have to yeild to me because I was already walking and that at the pace I was going it wouldn't take me long to get out of their way, however, my trust was misplaced or rather devalued. The truck continued on their path, at their pace, intruding my steps.
I think that God has given us so much of His own trust that we are often much like the black truck, instead of the younger woman at the cash stand. Often when we are told something completely different from what we see on the screen, proof, that we find it easier to ask the questions until we see the visible difference on the screen. But God wants us to look up, relax our stance, smile, and say, "okay". Often I find that I am yet another person who doesn't value the strengths and abilities that God has given me. I question, and I try to figure it out so much that my trust turns into a fear, which turns into an obsession, which leads to the darkness. "Relax", He'll tell me and yet I'll continue to put my foot on the gas regardless of who's standing right there, trusting me to slow down so they can pass.
Tonight, I am thankful for these thoughts. Tonight I am thankful for these notions and as little of trust as I think I have in certain people in my life, I take comfort in knowing that I have so much more trust in everything else, which gives me hope to be able to trust more in Him.
My hope is that someone will benefit from these simple words and my prayer is that you may know His glory and His good works through you as well.
Love,
Katie
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