Apparently telling myself that I'm not going to let my disorders take control over me does the trick. After writing the last post I decided to just man-up, which is something very difficult to do when you're someone like me. I called Diane and told her that before I take the position I'd like to just talk with her about some things as far as what I saw while shadowing. At first she tried to guilt me by saying she was going to "use" me today but that didn't work because you can't expect someone to work for you the day you want them to work only three hours from the time you originally called them. That's not my problem. So, I apologized for not being available, but at the same time I didn't feel guilty the way she'd hoped.
I stood up and told her that I wasn't certain if I was going to take the job and that the largest portion of why I wanted to take the time to think about it was because it's dealing with kids, not just a job for money. I have to really ask myself if I can be someone that is willing to be there for them and not the other way around. It would be my job but at the same time you have to provide stability and I wouldn't want to take the job without taking them into consideration.
So, I will most likely take the job and just remember that God believes in me and in my capabilities fully! He knows what I can and cannot do just yet and with Him I can do it all! I truly believe that if I stay close to Him, He will help me through it.
Just like He has with everything else.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Decisions, decisions
Ugh! Sometimes I wish that I had Dr. Archie on-hand, whenever I needed him. Right now I'm having a hard time figuring out if I really want to work with those kids or not. It's not really a question of if I want to work with them or not, it's just a question of if God wants me to. So often I get caught up in understanding exactly what He wants me to do and I'm uncertain if it's the right thing or if I'm going to disappoint Him or not.
Honestly, I don't want to work the kids. I don't. I'd like to work with the YMCA with their summer camp program but I don't want to work with them now, even if it is temporary/substitute. What I need to do is just call Diane, bite the bullet of whether I'm going to "disappoint" Steve and everyone else with not taking the job because I need one right now and just tell her how I feel.
What I feel is that taking a job working with disregulated kids would put me at an even greater risk of over-working myself. On the other hand what if God is allowing me to have this opportunity because I need a job, I asked for money, and He knows I can handle it? What if I choose not to take it? Does that mean God will be mad at me or will that mean I'm smart because I knew it wasn't going to work out for me?
I get frustrated with myself because I do this. I make everything such a huge deal when it's really just simple. Decide. Commit. End of story. Ya know? It's just frustrating.
I could sit here and then turn it around on Diane and say well, in my interview she made such a big deal about me trying it out and figuring out if I'd like it because I had no experience, but now she doesn't even want to know if I liked it or if I think I'll be good with handling the kids. I thought that was so important?
But, in reality the truth of the matter is...I want my time by myself. I like this time. I'm afraid that I'll run myself ragged with those kids even though it's four hours a day for only two weeks and then summer camp. Maybe I'm silly for not taking it because it's just like babysitting, but I dislike babysitting.
Why can't I just make a decision for me, and go with it? Stand up for myself? Get some dang confidence and do it! It's like my stomach. I know that I should've passed on El Cerro and I know that Steve only asked me for lunch because AO wasn't home to go with him but I didn't. I was afraid that he wouldn't ask me again, would get mad, would cycle, etc. instead of looking out for myself. And now, I want to work out but I'm too lazy to do it. I'm angry with myself because if I would've just kept up with my routine and how good I felt about myself, and going for myself than I wouldn't have had to worry about where I am right now.
Maybe I should call Diane and just say that I'll take the job because I need the money but then only agree to the subsitute work and possibly summer camp but that today is a little last minute and that starting tomorrow would be good. At least then I would have time to get my mind right.
My mind.
Oh, the life of a bipolar individual married to a narcissist. Match made in heaven, we are.
Honestly, I don't want to work the kids. I don't. I'd like to work with the YMCA with their summer camp program but I don't want to work with them now, even if it is temporary/substitute. What I need to do is just call Diane, bite the bullet of whether I'm going to "disappoint" Steve and everyone else with not taking the job because I need one right now and just tell her how I feel.
What I feel is that taking a job working with disregulated kids would put me at an even greater risk of over-working myself. On the other hand what if God is allowing me to have this opportunity because I need a job, I asked for money, and He knows I can handle it? What if I choose not to take it? Does that mean God will be mad at me or will that mean I'm smart because I knew it wasn't going to work out for me?
I get frustrated with myself because I do this. I make everything such a huge deal when it's really just simple. Decide. Commit. End of story. Ya know? It's just frustrating.
I could sit here and then turn it around on Diane and say well, in my interview she made such a big deal about me trying it out and figuring out if I'd like it because I had no experience, but now she doesn't even want to know if I liked it or if I think I'll be good with handling the kids. I thought that was so important?
But, in reality the truth of the matter is...I want my time by myself. I like this time. I'm afraid that I'll run myself ragged with those kids even though it's four hours a day for only two weeks and then summer camp. Maybe I'm silly for not taking it because it's just like babysitting, but I dislike babysitting.
Why can't I just make a decision for me, and go with it? Stand up for myself? Get some dang confidence and do it! It's like my stomach. I know that I should've passed on El Cerro and I know that Steve only asked me for lunch because AO wasn't home to go with him but I didn't. I was afraid that he wouldn't ask me again, would get mad, would cycle, etc. instead of looking out for myself. And now, I want to work out but I'm too lazy to do it. I'm angry with myself because if I would've just kept up with my routine and how good I felt about myself, and going for myself than I wouldn't have had to worry about where I am right now.
Maybe I should call Diane and just say that I'll take the job because I need the money but then only agree to the subsitute work and possibly summer camp but that today is a little last minute and that starting tomorrow would be good. At least then I would have time to get my mind right.
My mind.
Oh, the life of a bipolar individual married to a narcissist. Match made in heaven, we are.
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