Monday, March 28, 2011
Prayer
"Father I'm coming to you this morning with a concerned heart. I'm concerned that Steve is just coasting by. I'm not sure how to respond to him, how to encourage him, how to uplift him. It feels like everything I say, every tired emotion I feel goes into making him feel even worse. I ask so much for your help. I ask for your help for him, to take him under your wing and hold him accountable. I ask for you to help me find words, patience, and most importantly an outlet for my emotions. So much of being his partner is tiring and I find myself depressed with being with him a lot of the times just simply because I feel so helpless around him. Nothing I say ever makes a difference and right or wrong I want to quit most of the time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't or aren't being a good enough helpmate. Or am I? I have no clue what I'm doing and I need your help. Father, give him what he needs but allow him the attitude to see it. He was changing his faith, answering questions before and perhaps moving from his family wouldn't be a bad thing because it would force him to stand alone, without someone as a buffer, someone to be that crutch for him. Father, help him find his bottom so he'll finally climb back up on his own. I ask, I beg for your help in ways I can't even find words to ask for. Search my own heart to fill the holes and cracks so that I may be strong for him. Father, tack his heart, the walls he's built. In your most precious, heavenly, able name I pray, amen."
Sunday, March 20, 2011
"Go" Diet 3-20-2011
Lunch (1:30 pm)
Chicken Salad Lettuce Wraps w/purple grapes
(using low-fat plain yogurt instead of mayo)
Snack (3:30 pm)
Fresh Gala Apple & 3 Pitted Prunes
I did actually learn alot from this morning's L.E.A.N. class, but I think one of the most important lessons that I learned was this...for every minute I spend watching television and sitting down doing nothing, I should then exercise for the same amount of time. I think that's a really good thought because I spend a lot of time watching television online and most of the shows are anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes long so that means that either I need to be cleaning or doing exercises while I'm watching the show, or when I'm done, I need to go for a walk/jog. I like that idea or thought to think about because it really puts it into perspective how much time is being spent just doing nothing and it will allow me to maintain a healthy schedule for both relaxing and exercising.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
no direction...
I've lost my place today and I can feel the pressure of not being able to move pretty soon. Paralyzed from the money situation.
"Father, lead me to the place where I need to be. Work. School. Hobby."
"Father, lead me to the place where I need to be. Work. School. Hobby."
frustrated.
"Father, today I feel so grouchy. I feel so irritated and I'm not quite sure what it's from or why it's happening now. All I know is that I know that I'm sort've doing what I always do during times like this and that's pulling away. I don't want to, but it always seems to happen. So right now, today, this moment I'm going to push back and I wanna fight gravity. I know that's where I need to be, right beside you and for that little bit of time yesterday I know that I wasn't. I'm sorry for that. What I did was stupid and we both know it didn't benefit anyone, not even the seemingly relaxed moment. I know that I asked for forgiveness from You but I want to ask again. I don't deserve a Father like You. I know Your love is endless for me and I'm glad for moments of weakness because they're becoming few and far between but when they happen now it's just a simple 'why the heck did you do that? you knew it was dumb to do'. I'm sorry.
Father, it's hard to explain but you know how it ususally takes few days to set in when someone I love goes missing or isn't in the picture anymore. That's how I'm starting to feel right now. It's like there's this cosmic pull in a completely different direction where something has shifted its regularity. I know it's because of Kim's absence and I'm thankful but also sad. I'm thankful for this situation and these feelings because it tells me just how much she means to me, and how much of a part she plays in my own spiritual life, but I'm sad because she's still missing. I know it's temporary and everything will be planned by You and that I can trust she won't leave You forever.
Father, my prayer today is to ask for what I need and not what I want but I'm not sure what that is. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say or how I'm supposed to act or react. I know that my mild anger and frustration and worry isn't what needs to happen so I know that is something I can ask for. Father, please take it from my hands. I gladly give this worry to you and the frustration of things I cannot control. I'm frustrated because I feel like the church we are in is endless disappointment to those who actually try to make baby steps to make that happen and I feel like everyone has the same notion that if you're young you can't possible have a part in God's wisdom and knowledge like the elders do. Why can't they realize that what they're doing is actually allowing the eager bodies like me to feel discouraged because we can't shine. I'm frustrated because there are other people who take control and over power us and I do not like that at all.
Father, I just ask that You search my heart this morning, fill the cracks in my day so that I may come back and have a good day regardless. I pray all this in Your wonderful, magnificent name, amen."
Father, it's hard to explain but you know how it ususally takes few days to set in when someone I love goes missing or isn't in the picture anymore. That's how I'm starting to feel right now. It's like there's this cosmic pull in a completely different direction where something has shifted its regularity. I know it's because of Kim's absence and I'm thankful but also sad. I'm thankful for this situation and these feelings because it tells me just how much she means to me, and how much of a part she plays in my own spiritual life, but I'm sad because she's still missing. I know it's temporary and everything will be planned by You and that I can trust she won't leave You forever.
Father, my prayer today is to ask for what I need and not what I want but I'm not sure what that is. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say or how I'm supposed to act or react. I know that my mild anger and frustration and worry isn't what needs to happen so I know that is something I can ask for. Father, please take it from my hands. I gladly give this worry to you and the frustration of things I cannot control. I'm frustrated because I feel like the church we are in is endless disappointment to those who actually try to make baby steps to make that happen and I feel like everyone has the same notion that if you're young you can't possible have a part in God's wisdom and knowledge like the elders do. Why can't they realize that what they're doing is actually allowing the eager bodies like me to feel discouraged because we can't shine. I'm frustrated because there are other people who take control and over power us and I do not like that at all.
Father, I just ask that You search my heart this morning, fill the cracks in my day so that I may come back and have a good day regardless. I pray all this in Your wonderful, magnificent name, amen."
Friday, March 18, 2011
"Soar on wings like eagles." -Isaiah 40:31
Have you ever stood at the top of a large rock and felt how big you were? How you climbed to the highest limb you could possibly reach? The sun's on your face and suddenly you feel like you're closer to it than if you were merely standing on solid ground. You spread your arms like wings and caress the wind as it floats past you; the light breeze becomes a cooling breathe of fresh air as you close your eyes. Breath in. Out.
There's a moment, a split second where I always imagine myself flying away. Perhaps that's why I love wings so much because in that moment I am a bird, free to fly anywhere I want, without worry of failed flight or attachment to anything. When I think about my faith I think it's just like that moment. Where you open your arms and let the wind power past your body as if you become part of it and the only thing holding you from whisping away is the confrontation of your feet touching the ground.
It's where you close your eyes and breath in and out; on the exhale feeling every threat leaving your body and into God's hands. In that moment it's a connection between my Father and I but He's not asking me to let go, I gladly do it on my own.
I know that when I am in a tough situation I can always count on this visualization to help me get through and often I find myself closing my eyes and breathing anyway. My faith is fearless because I know that at the top of that jagged rock or the tallest of trees...if my Father said "Now jump", I wouldn't hesitate.
Instead, I would soar.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Classic Case of Confidence
"Just as under-confidence comes with its list of symptoms, the same is true of confidence. A confident person feels safe. She believes [they are] loved, valuable, cared for, and safe in God's will for [them]. When we feel safe and secure, it's easy to step out and try new things. During the intial construction on the Golden Gate Bridge, no safety devices were used and twenty-three men fell to their deaths. For the final part of the project, however, a large net was used as a safety precaution. At least then men fell into it and were saved from certain death. Even more interesting, however, is the fact that 25% more work was accomplished after the net was installed. Why? Because the men had the assurance of their safety, and they were free to wholeheartedly serve the project.When people feel safe, they are free to take a chance on failing in order to try to succeed. When we know we are loved for ourselves and not just our accomplishments or performance. we no longer need to fear failure. We realize that failing at something does not make us a failure at everything. We are free to explore and find out what we are best suited for. We are free to find our own niche in life, which is not possible without stepping out and finding out. Trial and error is the road to success, and you can't drive that road as long as your car is parked. So get moving, and God will direct you. When people are confident, they try things, and they keep trying until they find a way to be a successful in what God has called them to do.
Sure, life can sometimes make us feel like we're in over our heads, but the reality is that, without God, we're always in over our heads.
For example, a little three-year-old girl felt secure in her father's arms as Dad stood in the middle of a swimming pool. But Dad, for fun, began walking slowly toward the deep end, gently chanting "Deeper and deeper and deeper," as the water rose higher and higher on the child. The girl's face registered increasing degress of panic, as she held all the more tightly to her father, who, of course, easily touched the bottom. Had the little girl been able to analyze her situation, she'd have realized there was no reason for her increasing fear. The water's depth in ANY part of the pool was over her head. For her, safety anywhere in that pool depended on Dad.
At various points in our lives, all of us feel we're getting "out of our depth" or "in over our heads". There are problems all around: A job is lost, someone dies, there is strife in the family, or a bad report comes from the doctor. When these things happen, our temptation is to panic, because we feel we've lost control. But think about it-just like the child in the pool, the truth is we've never been in control when it comes to life's most crucial elements. We've always been held up by the grace of God, our Father, and that won't change. God is never out of His depth, and therefore we're as safe when we're in life's "deep end" as we were in the kiddie pool."
Confidence Deficiency
"Under-confidence is a condition; it might even be considered a sickness. And just like many other sicknesses, under-confidence is caused by a deficiency of one thing (confidence) and too much of another-in this case-fear. I refer to fear as an emotional virus because it begins as a thought in your head, then affects your emotions and behaviors-just like a flu virus might invade your body via a handshake or a sneeze and then make you feel miserable all over.
Fear is a dangerous virus, because a fearful person has no confidence and can never reach her potential in life. She won't step out of her comfort zone to do anything-especially something new or different. Fear is a cruel ruler, and its subjects live in constant torment.
It breaks my heart when I see people living fearfully, because without confidence, people can never know and experience true joy. The Holy Spirit of God Himself is grieved, because He has been sent into our lives to help us fulfill our God-ordained destinies. But you can't seek out your destiny when you've let fear slam and lock the door of your life. Instead, you cower behind the door, filled with self-hatred, condemnation, fear of rejection, fear of failure, and fear of others.
Many victims of fear end p being people-pleasers, prone to being controlled and manipulated by others. They give up the right to be themselves and usually spend their lives trying to be what they think they ought to be in someone else's eyes.
Sadly , when we try to be something or someone we are not intended to be, we stifle ourselves and God's power in us. When we have confidence, we can reach truly amazing heights; without confidence, even simple accomplishments are beyond our grasp.
Now, you might have read the preceding paragraph-about "amazing heights," and thought to yourself, Yeah right, Joyce. I'm not able to do anything amazing. (And I'm scared of heights too.) Don't despair if you have thoughts like this. Throughout history, God has used ordinary people to do amazing, extraordinary things. Yet, all of them had to take a step of faith first. They had to confidently press forward into the unknown or unfamiliar before making any progress. They had to believe they could do what they were attempting to do. "Achieve" come before "Believe" in the dictionary, but the order is switched in real life.
It's important to note that, in many cases, successful people have tried many times and failed before they ultimately succeeded. They not only had to begin with confidence, they had to remain confident when every circumstance seemed to shout at them, "Failure! Failure! Failure!"
Consider inventor Thomas Edison. He once said, "I speak without exaggeration when I say that I have constructed three thousand different theories in connection with the electric light, each one of them reasonable and apparently likely to be true. Yet in two cases only did my experiments prove the truth of my theory."
That means that Edison developed 2,998 failed theories en route to arriving at success. In fact, the true story of the light bulb is a long, tedious tale of repeated trial and error. Imagine how Edison must have felt as the failures piled up by the dozens, then the hundreds, then the thousands. Yet, through it all, he kept pressing forward. He believed in his bright idea, so he didn't lose his determination.
Just because ordinary people take steps to accomplish extraordinary things does not mean they do not feel fear. I believe the Old Testament hero Esther felt fear when she was asked to leaver her familiar, comfortable life and enter the king's harem so she could be used by God to save her nation. I believe Joshue felt fear when, after Moses died, he was given the job of taking the Israelites into the Promised Land. I know I had fear when God called me to quit my job and prepare for ministry. I still remember my skees shaking and my legs feeling so weak that I thought I would fall down. I remember the fear I felt then, but it frightens me more now to think of how my life would have turned out had I not faced the fear and pressed forward to do God's will. Fear does not mean you are a coward. It only means that you need to be willing to feel the fear and do what you need to do anyway.
If I would have let the fear I felt stop me, where would I be today? What would I be doing? Woudl I be happy and fulfilled? Woudl I be writting a book right now on being a confident woman-or would I be sitting at home, depressed and wondering why my life had been such a disappointment? I believe a lot of unhappy people are individuals who have let fear rule their lives.
How about you, my dear reader? Are you doing what you really believe you should be doing at this stage in your life, or have you allowed fear and a lack of confidence to prevent you from stepping out into new things-or higher levels of old things? If you don't like your answer, then let me give you some good news: It is never too late to begin again! Don't spend one more day living a narrow life that has room for only you and your fears. Make a decision right now that you will learn to live boldly, aggressively, and confidently. Don't let fear rule you any longer.
It's important to note that you can't just sit around and wait for fear to go away. You will have to feel the fear and take action anyway. Or, as John Wayne put it, "Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway." In other words, courage is not the absence of fear; it is action in the presence of fear. Bold peopel do what they know they should do-not what they feel like doing.
As I write these words, I feel very excited for you. I truly believe this book will be life-changing for many of you who read it. It may be a good reminder for some of you, but for others it will help you step out onto the path of your true life. The life that has been waiting for you since the beginning of time-and the one you may have been missing due to fear and intimidation. Satan is the master of intimidation, but once you realize that he is the one behind all your hesitation, you can take authority over him by simply placing confidence in Jesus Christ and stepping out boldly to be all you can be. God told Joshua, "Fear not, for I am with you." He is sending you that same message today: FEAR NOT! God is with you, and He will never leave you, nor forsake you.
Abraham was told, "God is with you in all that you do" (Genesis 21:22). That sounds like large living to me. Are you ready for a larger life, one that leaves you feeling satisfied and fulfilled? I believe you are, and I want to do everything I can to help you on your journey.
I know what it is like to live in fear. Fear can actually make you sick to your stomach. It can make you so tense and nervous that everyone around you notices that something is wrong; it's that evident in your facial expressions and your body language. What's more, just as confidence is contagious, so is the lack of self-confidence. When we possess no inner confidence, no one else has confidence in us either. Imagine a timid, cowering basketball player, standing in the corner of the court with her arms wrapped around herself. Is anyone going to pass her the ball? Is anybody going to call out plays to her?
When we think people are rejecting us, we feel hurt by them. The basketball player in the example above might think that her teammates hate her or have something against her. But, for fearful, under-confident people, the root of the problem is that they are rejecting themselves. They are rejecting the person God intended them to be."
Fear is a dangerous virus, because a fearful person has no confidence and can never reach her potential in life. She won't step out of her comfort zone to do anything-especially something new or different. Fear is a cruel ruler, and its subjects live in constant torment.
It breaks my heart when I see people living fearfully, because without confidence, people can never know and experience true joy. The Holy Spirit of God Himself is grieved, because He has been sent into our lives to help us fulfill our God-ordained destinies. But you can't seek out your destiny when you've let fear slam and lock the door of your life. Instead, you cower behind the door, filled with self-hatred, condemnation, fear of rejection, fear of failure, and fear of others.
Many victims of fear end p being people-pleasers, prone to being controlled and manipulated by others. They give up the right to be themselves and usually spend their lives trying to be what they think they ought to be in someone else's eyes.
Sadly , when we try to be something or someone we are not intended to be, we stifle ourselves and God's power in us. When we have confidence, we can reach truly amazing heights; without confidence, even simple accomplishments are beyond our grasp.
Now, you might have read the preceding paragraph-about "amazing heights," and thought to yourself, Yeah right, Joyce. I'm not able to do anything amazing. (And I'm scared of heights too.) Don't despair if you have thoughts like this. Throughout history, God has used ordinary people to do amazing, extraordinary things. Yet, all of them had to take a step of faith first. They had to confidently press forward into the unknown or unfamiliar before making any progress. They had to believe they could do what they were attempting to do. "Achieve" come before "Believe" in the dictionary, but the order is switched in real life.
It's important to note that, in many cases, successful people have tried many times and failed before they ultimately succeeded. They not only had to begin with confidence, they had to remain confident when every circumstance seemed to shout at them, "Failure! Failure! Failure!"
Consider inventor Thomas Edison. He once said, "I speak without exaggeration when I say that I have constructed three thousand different theories in connection with the electric light, each one of them reasonable and apparently likely to be true. Yet in two cases only did my experiments prove the truth of my theory."
That means that Edison developed 2,998 failed theories en route to arriving at success. In fact, the true story of the light bulb is a long, tedious tale of repeated trial and error. Imagine how Edison must have felt as the failures piled up by the dozens, then the hundreds, then the thousands. Yet, through it all, he kept pressing forward. He believed in his bright idea, so he didn't lose his determination.
Just because ordinary people take steps to accomplish extraordinary things does not mean they do not feel fear. I believe the Old Testament hero Esther felt fear when she was asked to leaver her familiar, comfortable life and enter the king's harem so she could be used by God to save her nation. I believe Joshue felt fear when, after Moses died, he was given the job of taking the Israelites into the Promised Land. I know I had fear when God called me to quit my job and prepare for ministry. I still remember my skees shaking and my legs feeling so weak that I thought I would fall down. I remember the fear I felt then, but it frightens me more now to think of how my life would have turned out had I not faced the fear and pressed forward to do God's will. Fear does not mean you are a coward. It only means that you need to be willing to feel the fear and do what you need to do anyway.
If I would have let the fear I felt stop me, where would I be today? What would I be doing? Woudl I be happy and fulfilled? Woudl I be writting a book right now on being a confident woman-or would I be sitting at home, depressed and wondering why my life had been such a disappointment? I believe a lot of unhappy people are individuals who have let fear rule their lives.
How about you, my dear reader? Are you doing what you really believe you should be doing at this stage in your life, or have you allowed fear and a lack of confidence to prevent you from stepping out into new things-or higher levels of old things? If you don't like your answer, then let me give you some good news: It is never too late to begin again! Don't spend one more day living a narrow life that has room for only you and your fears. Make a decision right now that you will learn to live boldly, aggressively, and confidently. Don't let fear rule you any longer.
It's important to note that you can't just sit around and wait for fear to go away. You will have to feel the fear and take action anyway. Or, as John Wayne put it, "Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway." In other words, courage is not the absence of fear; it is action in the presence of fear. Bold peopel do what they know they should do-not what they feel like doing.
As I write these words, I feel very excited for you. I truly believe this book will be life-changing for many of you who read it. It may be a good reminder for some of you, but for others it will help you step out onto the path of your true life. The life that has been waiting for you since the beginning of time-and the one you may have been missing due to fear and intimidation. Satan is the master of intimidation, but once you realize that he is the one behind all your hesitation, you can take authority over him by simply placing confidence in Jesus Christ and stepping out boldly to be all you can be. God told Joshua, "Fear not, for I am with you." He is sending you that same message today: FEAR NOT! God is with you, and He will never leave you, nor forsake you.
Abraham was told, "God is with you in all that you do" (Genesis 21:22). That sounds like large living to me. Are you ready for a larger life, one that leaves you feeling satisfied and fulfilled? I believe you are, and I want to do everything I can to help you on your journey.
I know what it is like to live in fear. Fear can actually make you sick to your stomach. It can make you so tense and nervous that everyone around you notices that something is wrong; it's that evident in your facial expressions and your body language. What's more, just as confidence is contagious, so is the lack of self-confidence. When we possess no inner confidence, no one else has confidence in us either. Imagine a timid, cowering basketball player, standing in the corner of the court with her arms wrapped around herself. Is anyone going to pass her the ball? Is anybody going to call out plays to her?
When we think people are rejecting us, we feel hurt by them. The basketball player in the example above might think that her teammates hate her or have something against her. But, for fearful, under-confident people, the root of the problem is that they are rejecting themselves. They are rejecting the person God intended them to be."
Monday, March 14, 2011
Thanksgiving
This morning has been a good one. I feel myself coming back to finding my Father and it's hopeful, special, thankful. I go through these phases where I lose sight, lose faith, lose strength and I feel so disconnected from Him. I'm thankful for these phases because they truly are little tests for me. He uses them to help me always come back to Him and for that I say I'm thankful that I found Him on my own and not through a family tradition or anyone's pressures. I made that decision to take on a new life for Christ, for no one else but me and I'm glad.
I was surprised that I had any energy at all to push our workout this morning. I think I surprised my mother-in-law a little bit because I kept going and she tried to keep going too. I'm not sure if it was because I watched The Biggest Loser and truly felt very fortunate to have the health that I have and the inspiration I gained from the show or not but this morning I meant business and I can only thank God for listening to my prayers and giving me the strength and the courage to push harder, to challenge myself.
Steve actually did come to Market Common this morning to run. I hope that it'll be something that will start helping to motivate him to get back into shape but I'm not going to push him. I'm just going to do it for me because I want health, because I want challenge, because I want to be able to climb that mountain for Him. I don't want to push Steve because that would be like me telling him to feel a certain way and I can't do that. It'd be no different than having someone tell you you should believe in God and not allowing you to come to the conclusion yourself. If he chooses to come I'll challenge him, push him because I know he truly can do more than he has been doing for himself and I know that with God's help I can break through. I can't quit on him when he needs me too. I just can't.
I'm thankful for life and health this morning. Thankful because I see what Japan is going through and I wonder why I walk around complaining about anything in life because there are people who have nothing now. I know that I have to be strong not just for myself but because if I'm not strong for myself I cannot be the strong person I need to be to help God's children. I don't want to be selfish or prideful. I want to be humbled every chance I get and I know and feel God working through me. I am empowered by others' stories and I want someone else to be empowered by mine one day, if not everyday. I know that I've been brought into this family to help and for them to help me. I can't quit and I can't run!
I've got to find a way to get over my personal battles quietly without inflicting pain on my husband because he's growing too and he'll continue to grow as long as I choose to edify and encourage him more and more. Perhaps I haven't done this enough and no matter what he's done for me that is my mission that he feels loved, and secure in me, always trusting me to do what I said I was going to do. I want him to feel unguarded and open one day.
My prayer this morning is simply a praise of thanksgiving for Christ's Almighty power. I am thankful I know of Him and have given my whole heart to Him because without Christ...I'd be nothing, not even human.
"Heavenly Father you have amazed me with your beauty and your power once again. Your loved fills my heart and with an abundance of joy I want to carry it for You always. Father I lose sight but You always have time to bring me back. In the midst of disaster elsewhere You still find time for me and I am forever grateful for the quality time we share. You are my Father and I truly am blessed and humbled by knowing and feeling Your work. Father I am so sorry for all those times, all those years that I doubted, that I was so clouded by myself that I didn't allow You to work through me. Father I ask Your powerful help in getting my husband to that point as well; help him feel free inside and out, free from doubt, worry, regret, shame, self-abuse. Father I ask for your forgivness for doubting you these past few days and I ask forgiveness in not forgiving others, as well as myself. I ask for Your courage to see Your children through Your eyes and not my own. Father guide me to the places You want me to be, to the future You want me to have and I ask for the courage and strength to walk that path for You. I want to, Father. For You, I will! In Your heavenly most precious and glorious name....amen."
I was surprised that I had any energy at all to push our workout this morning. I think I surprised my mother-in-law a little bit because I kept going and she tried to keep going too. I'm not sure if it was because I watched The Biggest Loser and truly felt very fortunate to have the health that I have and the inspiration I gained from the show or not but this morning I meant business and I can only thank God for listening to my prayers and giving me the strength and the courage to push harder, to challenge myself.
Steve actually did come to Market Common this morning to run. I hope that it'll be something that will start helping to motivate him to get back into shape but I'm not going to push him. I'm just going to do it for me because I want health, because I want challenge, because I want to be able to climb that mountain for Him. I don't want to push Steve because that would be like me telling him to feel a certain way and I can't do that. It'd be no different than having someone tell you you should believe in God and not allowing you to come to the conclusion yourself. If he chooses to come I'll challenge him, push him because I know he truly can do more than he has been doing for himself and I know that with God's help I can break through. I can't quit on him when he needs me too. I just can't.
I'm thankful for life and health this morning. Thankful because I see what Japan is going through and I wonder why I walk around complaining about anything in life because there are people who have nothing now. I know that I have to be strong not just for myself but because if I'm not strong for myself I cannot be the strong person I need to be to help God's children. I don't want to be selfish or prideful. I want to be humbled every chance I get and I know and feel God working through me. I am empowered by others' stories and I want someone else to be empowered by mine one day, if not everyday. I know that I've been brought into this family to help and for them to help me. I can't quit and I can't run!
I've got to find a way to get over my personal battles quietly without inflicting pain on my husband because he's growing too and he'll continue to grow as long as I choose to edify and encourage him more and more. Perhaps I haven't done this enough and no matter what he's done for me that is my mission that he feels loved, and secure in me, always trusting me to do what I said I was going to do. I want him to feel unguarded and open one day.
My prayer this morning is simply a praise of thanksgiving for Christ's Almighty power. I am thankful I know of Him and have given my whole heart to Him because without Christ...I'd be nothing, not even human.
"Heavenly Father you have amazed me with your beauty and your power once again. Your loved fills my heart and with an abundance of joy I want to carry it for You always. Father I lose sight but You always have time to bring me back. In the midst of disaster elsewhere You still find time for me and I am forever grateful for the quality time we share. You are my Father and I truly am blessed and humbled by knowing and feeling Your work. Father I am so sorry for all those times, all those years that I doubted, that I was so clouded by myself that I didn't allow You to work through me. Father I ask Your powerful help in getting my husband to that point as well; help him feel free inside and out, free from doubt, worry, regret, shame, self-abuse. Father I ask for your forgivness for doubting you these past few days and I ask forgiveness in not forgiving others, as well as myself. I ask for Your courage to see Your children through Your eyes and not my own. Father guide me to the places You want me to be, to the future You want me to have and I ask for the courage and strength to walk that path for You. I want to, Father. For You, I will! In Your heavenly most precious and glorious name....amen."
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Day 1 Diet Journaling
In the spirit of abdominal definition I've decided to make July 3rd, 2011 my goal. By July I hope to have ab definition and in spirit of that goal I know that one of the quickest ways is to watch what goes in and out of my body. "Calories in, calories out" as expressed on The Biggest Loser. I've got to start monitoring what I'm eating and what activities I'm doing so that I can get a better idea of my daily regimen. This is afterall a life and body to be lived for Christ and how can I climb mountains if I lack the physical stamina to even get past the first obstacle?
Snack (10:30am)
Breakfast (8:15am)
Snack (10:30am)
Lunch (1:30pm)
Dinner (8:30pm)
Confronting the fears of marriage
Today has been an okay day so far. I'm trying to 'train' myself to resort to blogging instead of just unloading all my feelings onto my husband. I find that it gets me into deeper trouble than before. So on the way to church I told myself that I just have to focus on today at hand and to try my best not to text my husband, release any frustration on to him, but yet to allow a healthy outlet for myself. I mean, that's why I started this blog to begin with and it's not like I have a huge following, if any, so what does it matter what I write about? This is for me, no one else.
Steve didn't show up to church this morning. I wasn't really that surprised given the mood he was in when we left the Grand Park at Market Commons this morning. It's supposed to be something good, not horrible, and I fear that's all that it has come down to. So, I've decided not to ask anymore for him to run with me because I know that he truly doesn't want to do it and isn't at all excited about helping me with it and I'd rather him not be so dang grouchy and make me feel worse about asking in the first place than to actually struggle with finding motivation myself.
That's why I came to the realization in the first place. As I was sitting in church this morning a thought popped into my head during a song. It wasn't one of those thoughts that segwayed from another conversation I was having in my head, but rather it literally popped right to the forefront of my brain for a split second. Well, crap....now it's gone. Just wait, I'm sure it'll come back.
I'm not really certain if I'm disappointed in Steve not showing up to church this morning. I know that it sucks because it wasn't just about him, it was about AO, his roommate. Steve told me that he's been praying for a while to get him interested in church and last week AO finally agreed to come listen to Dr. John's sermon in today's service, however, given the fact that Steve just wasn't feeling it, it meant that AO wasn't coming. In my opinion that's where it's wrong. Not to say I do not understand completely where he's personally coming from because I, myself, on several occasions just haven't been feeling going to church but I have the ability to push my own feelings aside, especially if it's someone who's interested in going to church and has already said they were going to go. Am I saying that I'm totally disappointed in Steve and that he's to blame? No. I'm saying that it's his decision what to do with his own faith, but he didn't just mess with his faith alone, he messed with AO's, a person who relied on him to show enthusiasm and excitement that he was going. I'm sure on the surface AO "understood" when Steve said he wasn't going to church this morning, but what does that really show a person who's in search of Christ? I can't say how I would've reacted or would've done differently because he and I are two very different people, with very different minds. I would hope that I would've seen the bigger picture that AO going to church was far more important than how I was feeling and that maybe, just maybe if I would've chosen to put that first instead of me, I would've found the help or relief I, myself was lacking.
I understand why he might be feeling off his game and I'm not so sure how to handle it as his partner. Do I stay close to show him that I'm there for him when he wants to talk even though I know for certain he won't reach out to me? Do I do that to show him that I'm not going to do what he does to me which is just leave me high and dry to deal with emotions on my own and not help him regulate? Here's the funniest part about our biblical marriage. I am the wife, partner, lover, but more importantly my role in this marriage is to be his helpmate, to edify him and lift him to search for God. How do you do that when the person you're trying to help, refuses the help you give?
So does that mean I'm supposed to back off of him so he can have a breather? He doesn't actually regulate that way because all he's prone to doing is just tossing the feelings under the rug and not actually working through them and trying to think of them differently. All giving him space does is allow him time to find a way to hide. How is that helping either?
Do you see the predicament I constantly live in? My home is lying right in between, constantly confused and unaware of what the right decision is, but I try anyway. I try fearlessly to trust my decisions will be Godly and what He wants of me, in addition to actually being a human myself. Is this what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life? How, other than now not looking at pornography merely because he's married, have I actually helped him succeed or look for God? A perfect example of what I mean was this morning when he was tired and frustrated with himself from not being in the shape he used to be. I can definitely relate to that frustration and anger, and how easy it is to just walk away from it instead of confronting it.
I tried to circle around him to get him motivated to run but I was terrified. I'm not sure why. I shouldn't be. If I'm going to help him I shouldn't be terrified to push harder and to be that beeotch who's making him so angry because in the end it'll help him. So does that mean I should continue to jeaopordize my time running in order to truly help him? Anyways, he was just walking in his self-pity, which again I can fully relate to, and I tried to get him to speed it up because all he was doing was defeating the running he'd already done. And after he gave me the excuse that he didn't eat before he came I just let it go, let him win. I shouldn't have. I should've confronted him and said "well, that's too bad. You had plenty of time to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich and drink water before you came. I ate an apple and a banana before I came. Stop using excuses and just do it. Speed walk!"
Maybe the true test to my willpower and strength isn't walking away from this but rather confronting it head on, not complaining about every little thing but rather being strong enough to hold him up and myself at the same time. It's exhausting and I constantly have to ask for help but how will he ever try, how will he ever be the dad he should be to our children, how will he ever not be narcissitic if I constantly stay afraid of him, afraid of confrontation?
Steve didn't show up to church this morning. I wasn't really that surprised given the mood he was in when we left the Grand Park at Market Commons this morning. It's supposed to be something good, not horrible, and I fear that's all that it has come down to. So, I've decided not to ask anymore for him to run with me because I know that he truly doesn't want to do it and isn't at all excited about helping me with it and I'd rather him not be so dang grouchy and make me feel worse about asking in the first place than to actually struggle with finding motivation myself.
That's why I came to the realization in the first place. As I was sitting in church this morning a thought popped into my head during a song. It wasn't one of those thoughts that segwayed from another conversation I was having in my head, but rather it literally popped right to the forefront of my brain for a split second. Well, crap....now it's gone. Just wait, I'm sure it'll come back.
I'm not really certain if I'm disappointed in Steve not showing up to church this morning. I know that it sucks because it wasn't just about him, it was about AO, his roommate. Steve told me that he's been praying for a while to get him interested in church and last week AO finally agreed to come listen to Dr. John's sermon in today's service, however, given the fact that Steve just wasn't feeling it, it meant that AO wasn't coming. In my opinion that's where it's wrong. Not to say I do not understand completely where he's personally coming from because I, myself, on several occasions just haven't been feeling going to church but I have the ability to push my own feelings aside, especially if it's someone who's interested in going to church and has already said they were going to go. Am I saying that I'm totally disappointed in Steve and that he's to blame? No. I'm saying that it's his decision what to do with his own faith, but he didn't just mess with his faith alone, he messed with AO's, a person who relied on him to show enthusiasm and excitement that he was going. I'm sure on the surface AO "understood" when Steve said he wasn't going to church this morning, but what does that really show a person who's in search of Christ? I can't say how I would've reacted or would've done differently because he and I are two very different people, with very different minds. I would hope that I would've seen the bigger picture that AO going to church was far more important than how I was feeling and that maybe, just maybe if I would've chosen to put that first instead of me, I would've found the help or relief I, myself was lacking.
I understand why he might be feeling off his game and I'm not so sure how to handle it as his partner. Do I stay close to show him that I'm there for him when he wants to talk even though I know for certain he won't reach out to me? Do I do that to show him that I'm not going to do what he does to me which is just leave me high and dry to deal with emotions on my own and not help him regulate? Here's the funniest part about our biblical marriage. I am the wife, partner, lover, but more importantly my role in this marriage is to be his helpmate, to edify him and lift him to search for God. How do you do that when the person you're trying to help, refuses the help you give?
So does that mean I'm supposed to back off of him so he can have a breather? He doesn't actually regulate that way because all he's prone to doing is just tossing the feelings under the rug and not actually working through them and trying to think of them differently. All giving him space does is allow him time to find a way to hide. How is that helping either?
Do you see the predicament I constantly live in? My home is lying right in between, constantly confused and unaware of what the right decision is, but I try anyway. I try fearlessly to trust my decisions will be Godly and what He wants of me, in addition to actually being a human myself. Is this what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life? How, other than now not looking at pornography merely because he's married, have I actually helped him succeed or look for God? A perfect example of what I mean was this morning when he was tired and frustrated with himself from not being in the shape he used to be. I can definitely relate to that frustration and anger, and how easy it is to just walk away from it instead of confronting it.
I tried to circle around him to get him motivated to run but I was terrified. I'm not sure why. I shouldn't be. If I'm going to help him I shouldn't be terrified to push harder and to be that beeotch who's making him so angry because in the end it'll help him. So does that mean I should continue to jeaopordize my time running in order to truly help him? Anyways, he was just walking in his self-pity, which again I can fully relate to, and I tried to get him to speed it up because all he was doing was defeating the running he'd already done. And after he gave me the excuse that he didn't eat before he came I just let it go, let him win. I shouldn't have. I should've confronted him and said "well, that's too bad. You had plenty of time to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich and drink water before you came. I ate an apple and a banana before I came. Stop using excuses and just do it. Speed walk!"
Maybe the true test to my willpower and strength isn't walking away from this but rather confronting it head on, not complaining about every little thing but rather being strong enough to hold him up and myself at the same time. It's exhausting and I constantly have to ask for help but how will he ever try, how will he ever be the dad he should be to our children, how will he ever not be narcissitic if I constantly stay afraid of him, afraid of confrontation?
running
So not too long ago we had a similar situation to the running situation that Steve and I are having now. I find myself feeling like I carry this relationship and at times I don't want to. At times, like yesterday and today I find myself saying "God, I love you. Please don't make me do this anymore." It's sad to say that I feel like the mommy, the wife, and the babysitter all wrapped up into one. I'm glad more and more each day that we don't have children so that I am not completely overwhelmed by having to do all of that in addition to dealing with my husband.
I have questions. Of course I do. Of course I want to feel free to ask anything I want without having it be some underlying issue that gets plastered all over texts to friends or conversations with judgemental family members. I want to feel free in this relationship, just like he does. How do we get there? How?
Oh yeah, the story. Well, a little while ago I started doing my laundry at Steve's apartment because they had a washer and dryer and it was cheaper for me to do it there than having to pay for our on-site laundry mat. That started to become a very controlling situation where Steve said he wanted to buy me a washer and dryer but that never happened because he realized he'd save money if I just continued to do my laundry over at his place and it would be a plus for him being able to see me. That was all too easy and centered around him because he totally neglected that he promised to buy me a washer and dryer so that it would be easier on me to do my laundry instead of making it twice as inconvenient to have to lug all my laundry down to the car and drive over to his house, when he was there because I didn't have a key. I found this to be a very controlling situation in which he felt power or that I needed him in some way, which I didn't like because it was like it took the choice away from me, robbing me of my power to decide and make choices in my life.
So now, the running situation has become the very same issue and I find myself asking God what am I supposed to do when Steve promises or says he'll do something? Am I supposed to treat him like he treats me? Like I won't trust a single word he says until he proves it otherwise? That's a very horrible lonely feeling to know that your own spouse doesn't even support you, or trust what you say is truth. I get that a lot. I'm sure I always will.
But really...how am I supposed to respond? Am I not supposed to get excited because chances are he'll not follow through with it? I signed up for the 5k walk/run for Autism in April and I'm starting to run out of time so I'm seriously doubting my ability to finish the race and this would be a great time for him to really help me understand and to make me feel like I can do anything but instead because of the way he is, the narcissm, he doesn't get it. That's the most frustrating part is not that he understands and lazily refuses to step up but rather he doesn't even realize that's what's happening in my life. It's extremely hard for him to see anyone or anything else outside of his own bubble and that's what I mean by saying I'm alone because I am.
I am technically married to a man who barely sees me, acknowledges me, or even cares for me. The signals that a woman is naturally used to are now no longer possible. I have found myself having to totally change just to be heard in this relationship and right now I'm feeling a little bit of anger for even pushing marriage in the first place, which now that I think about it he did the same thing with our engagement too.
He proposed, I met his family, we talked about marriage so much that I thought it'd be soon after, and he didn't want to even talk about a wedding date. I'm kicking myself for not just saying 'no' to moving in with him but I got caught up in a life that never existed. I'm kicking myself for not just letting him want to break up with me after moving in with him after two months of dating. Why didn't I just say, "I'm sorry. I just don't think it'd be healthy for me or you to get back together and fix this marriage. In fact, with who we are I'm not certain it will ever be fixed"?
Our marriage has become this huge thing that has to be worked on every second of the day and right now I'm just exhausted for having to carry him, to deal with him, and I find myself now losing the sexual chemistry anymore. I no longer feel the obligation or want to make him happy sexually or whatever because I know that no matter what I do, or say...I still will never be apart of that world where only he exists. I'll always and forever be on the outside of it because I'm supposed to be the one who is closest.
Last night I wondered if we were to divorce but yet still continue this relationship if that would not be better for us in the long-run. Technically, we wouldn't have broken any biblical laws of divorcing and marrying another. We would still be persuing each other and God already sees us as married, either legally or not. Perhaps without the feeling of need that these rings carry we wouldn't feel such a pressure to try so hard, because we would know that all we would be doing was dating and maybe it would somehow, psychologically trick us into feeling more dependent and less controlled by the other person. I don't know.
I do wish that Dr. Archie wasn't so unpredictable. It saddens me that our treatment started to go downhill and I dread the day when Steve blames me for being the reason it did. I know in my heart and with all of me that I did not and that Dr. Archie is human just as much as I am, capable of doing wrong as well. The difference is pride and a love for Christ. I do wish that I could go back to Dr. Archie but I know now that there is no way he'd be able to give me adequate care. There are days when I miss being able to talk to him, or feel power over my own choices, but I know that I don't need him to survive, to understand what regulation is. I pray that Steve will get the opportunity to truly understand what regulation is as well. I pray that one day Steve won't be narcissistic, but I'm not certain that will ever happen. I have to have faith in God that He will help us.
This morning's run was a little disappointing but I'm thankful it opened my eyes. I now know that pushing Steve to uphold his promises does no good to me or him. I know this morning he didn't want to be there and while I understand he was fighting his own battles I have to ask myself why I even bother doing or being around him because I want so badly for it to be different that he's not narcissistic, but wanting something badly enough doesn't make it disappear. I originally asked him to come running with me because I really needed the challenge and support and encouragement that I know he's capable of giving me. When he's selfless he truly does care and understand me, but when he's stuck in his own bubble like this morning he ends up just showing me that I'm a huge inconvenience for making him get up and come running with me. He didn't show me support or love or encouragement at all. He wants me to feel that because he actually showed up, but it's his actions throughout that make the difference, consistency. And he consistently showed his lack of motivation in encouraging me at all. This mornings run was supposed to be something fun that we do together so that we could help and encourage one another, but instead it once again ended up being where I have to get over my issues and feelings in order to help him, help me. I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted by it and all I want to do is hide from it all.
I just want someone who can truly be there for me like I've been there for him. Someone who can sacrifice any feelings they have because they understand that showing you something or doing something for you is more important than themselves or their own wants and needs. I know that I don't do this all the time but dang I just wish I didn't have to explain that all the time, or ask my husband to be a supporter. I'm so tired by this marriage and by him and I'm bitter and frustrated because I know that I love him but I don't want to feel this way because I know it's not healthy for me or him.
But what do I do? How do I think? How do I respond? How do I be the perfect person who is strong enough and confident enough to encourage him and neglect myself when he doesn't have a single interest in the same things? My only solution has been to ignore him but even in that he's totally lost and unaware that I have to take myself away from him because of how he is.
This morning wasn't an encouragement, or something built to help me. It was all about him and his feelings and what he wanted to do and how he was so stubborn that he wouldn't allow me to even try to help him, help me.
Right now, in this moment...I want out. I want away from him because I can't take it anymore. This is why I got to this point to begin with and it's not because of some monster living within me that suddenly came out. He is so disregulated from everyone and everything that he drags me down too and right now I don't want to be sucked in to the hole with him. Maybe the love I feel for him isn't enough to deal with everything else, but I know that I do not dare mention my doubts again because all that will do is allow him to throw his guards up.
So, it's because of this that I know we aren't ready to live together, or rather I am ready to live with him. I can't be trapped again. I can't.
"Father help us. Please! Help us seek and find counsel in someone's capable hands. Please!"
I have questions. Of course I do. Of course I want to feel free to ask anything I want without having it be some underlying issue that gets plastered all over texts to friends or conversations with judgemental family members. I want to feel free in this relationship, just like he does. How do we get there? How?
Oh yeah, the story. Well, a little while ago I started doing my laundry at Steve's apartment because they had a washer and dryer and it was cheaper for me to do it there than having to pay for our on-site laundry mat. That started to become a very controlling situation where Steve said he wanted to buy me a washer and dryer but that never happened because he realized he'd save money if I just continued to do my laundry over at his place and it would be a plus for him being able to see me. That was all too easy and centered around him because he totally neglected that he promised to buy me a washer and dryer so that it would be easier on me to do my laundry instead of making it twice as inconvenient to have to lug all my laundry down to the car and drive over to his house, when he was there because I didn't have a key. I found this to be a very controlling situation in which he felt power or that I needed him in some way, which I didn't like because it was like it took the choice away from me, robbing me of my power to decide and make choices in my life.
So now, the running situation has become the very same issue and I find myself asking God what am I supposed to do when Steve promises or says he'll do something? Am I supposed to treat him like he treats me? Like I won't trust a single word he says until he proves it otherwise? That's a very horrible lonely feeling to know that your own spouse doesn't even support you, or trust what you say is truth. I get that a lot. I'm sure I always will.
But really...how am I supposed to respond? Am I not supposed to get excited because chances are he'll not follow through with it? I signed up for the 5k walk/run for Autism in April and I'm starting to run out of time so I'm seriously doubting my ability to finish the race and this would be a great time for him to really help me understand and to make me feel like I can do anything but instead because of the way he is, the narcissm, he doesn't get it. That's the most frustrating part is not that he understands and lazily refuses to step up but rather he doesn't even realize that's what's happening in my life. It's extremely hard for him to see anyone or anything else outside of his own bubble and that's what I mean by saying I'm alone because I am.
I am technically married to a man who barely sees me, acknowledges me, or even cares for me. The signals that a woman is naturally used to are now no longer possible. I have found myself having to totally change just to be heard in this relationship and right now I'm feeling a little bit of anger for even pushing marriage in the first place, which now that I think about it he did the same thing with our engagement too.
He proposed, I met his family, we talked about marriage so much that I thought it'd be soon after, and he didn't want to even talk about a wedding date. I'm kicking myself for not just saying 'no' to moving in with him but I got caught up in a life that never existed. I'm kicking myself for not just letting him want to break up with me after moving in with him after two months of dating. Why didn't I just say, "I'm sorry. I just don't think it'd be healthy for me or you to get back together and fix this marriage. In fact, with who we are I'm not certain it will ever be fixed"?
Our marriage has become this huge thing that has to be worked on every second of the day and right now I'm just exhausted for having to carry him, to deal with him, and I find myself now losing the sexual chemistry anymore. I no longer feel the obligation or want to make him happy sexually or whatever because I know that no matter what I do, or say...I still will never be apart of that world where only he exists. I'll always and forever be on the outside of it because I'm supposed to be the one who is closest.
Last night I wondered if we were to divorce but yet still continue this relationship if that would not be better for us in the long-run. Technically, we wouldn't have broken any biblical laws of divorcing and marrying another. We would still be persuing each other and God already sees us as married, either legally or not. Perhaps without the feeling of need that these rings carry we wouldn't feel such a pressure to try so hard, because we would know that all we would be doing was dating and maybe it would somehow, psychologically trick us into feeling more dependent and less controlled by the other person. I don't know.
I do wish that Dr. Archie wasn't so unpredictable. It saddens me that our treatment started to go downhill and I dread the day when Steve blames me for being the reason it did. I know in my heart and with all of me that I did not and that Dr. Archie is human just as much as I am, capable of doing wrong as well. The difference is pride and a love for Christ. I do wish that I could go back to Dr. Archie but I know now that there is no way he'd be able to give me adequate care. There are days when I miss being able to talk to him, or feel power over my own choices, but I know that I don't need him to survive, to understand what regulation is. I pray that Steve will get the opportunity to truly understand what regulation is as well. I pray that one day Steve won't be narcissistic, but I'm not certain that will ever happen. I have to have faith in God that He will help us.
This morning's run was a little disappointing but I'm thankful it opened my eyes. I now know that pushing Steve to uphold his promises does no good to me or him. I know this morning he didn't want to be there and while I understand he was fighting his own battles I have to ask myself why I even bother doing or being around him because I want so badly for it to be different that he's not narcissistic, but wanting something badly enough doesn't make it disappear. I originally asked him to come running with me because I really needed the challenge and support and encouragement that I know he's capable of giving me. When he's selfless he truly does care and understand me, but when he's stuck in his own bubble like this morning he ends up just showing me that I'm a huge inconvenience for making him get up and come running with me. He didn't show me support or love or encouragement at all. He wants me to feel that because he actually showed up, but it's his actions throughout that make the difference, consistency. And he consistently showed his lack of motivation in encouraging me at all. This mornings run was supposed to be something fun that we do together so that we could help and encourage one another, but instead it once again ended up being where I have to get over my issues and feelings in order to help him, help me. I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted by it and all I want to do is hide from it all.
I just want someone who can truly be there for me like I've been there for him. Someone who can sacrifice any feelings they have because they understand that showing you something or doing something for you is more important than themselves or their own wants and needs. I know that I don't do this all the time but dang I just wish I didn't have to explain that all the time, or ask my husband to be a supporter. I'm so tired by this marriage and by him and I'm bitter and frustrated because I know that I love him but I don't want to feel this way because I know it's not healthy for me or him.
But what do I do? How do I think? How do I respond? How do I be the perfect person who is strong enough and confident enough to encourage him and neglect myself when he doesn't have a single interest in the same things? My only solution has been to ignore him but even in that he's totally lost and unaware that I have to take myself away from him because of how he is.
This morning wasn't an encouragement, or something built to help me. It was all about him and his feelings and what he wanted to do and how he was so stubborn that he wouldn't allow me to even try to help him, help me.
Right now, in this moment...I want out. I want away from him because I can't take it anymore. This is why I got to this point to begin with and it's not because of some monster living within me that suddenly came out. He is so disregulated from everyone and everything that he drags me down too and right now I don't want to be sucked in to the hole with him. Maybe the love I feel for him isn't enough to deal with everything else, but I know that I do not dare mention my doubts again because all that will do is allow him to throw his guards up.
So, it's because of this that I know we aren't ready to live together, or rather I am ready to live with him. I can't be trapped again. I can't.
"Father help us. Please! Help us seek and find counsel in someone's capable hands. Please!"
Monday, March 7, 2011
Vent
"This morning Father I'm angry. I can feel myself getting more and more frustrated for decisions I have made, or even haven't made. What frustrates me is I didn't even say "yes" that I would take Steve back after he came to my apartment asking for us to work things out. I hugged him and didn't give him an answer. All I did say was that I wanted him to focus on getting him better first, and look....see how stupid I was to trust that? That's what I feel. Stupid.
I look around and it's like I see everyone so unafraid to stand up for themselves, even Steve wasn't afraid to break up with me a long time ago and he sure as hell wasn't afraid to let everyone think that it was all my fault and that I left him, even now he won't set the record straight and it's simply because he doesn't want to disappoint his family by saying the reason I left was because he started looking at porn and arguing with me again. If he would've given me just a couple of days to process the anger instead of adding to it and then saying I had no right to treat him like that, or to feel betrayed, or that I didn't trust him.
Father, I know that right now, this mood that I'm in I'm not regulating. I've learned how to disconnect myself so much in order to be that second person that I truly believe that's how I've become bipolar. Isn't that a crazy notion? To think that a person became a disorder that allows for several mood changes in order to self-regulate the other half that was disregulated? Sometimes that's what it feels like. It feels like I'm feeling those horrible emotions and I feel a heavy weight over me, like a dark cloud or something and then all of a sudden here comes this voice of reason on the other half of me trying to help bring sunshine in.
Take right now for instance. I feel angry, disappointed, let down, mad, scared, sad, depressed but I know that the only reason I'm feeling this way is because I'm too focused and worried on past decisions I've made and in reality shouldn't even be feeling that way considering I made all of those decisions for You and if I had the chance knowing that our relationship would be where it is now I would've done it all over again, however, there is another part of me that wishes I would've hugged him that night but said, "I'm sorry. Right now I feel like it's not safe to be around you and for you to be around me. Focus on you and if it's meant to be still, God will let it be on His time, not yours."
It was so easy to get caught up in that storybook, romance movie type of moment and I was scared to hurt his feelings, that if I said 'no' than he would think I meant forever and leave me.
But all in all, this is where we are and I have to say as much as I do love the progress he's made and the fact that he no longer lies as much as he used to, or looks at porn like he used to...I have to ask myself what if.
Don't get me wrong Father I am thankful. You and I both know that but at times I feel like I've gotten the short-end of the stick. I think what if he wouldn't have come around again and I continued to find myself, who I was. I know that I truly was proud of myself for working it out. Now, I'm not proud of myself. I'm not proud that I trust someone who can't be trusted. I'm not proud that I give so much and don't receive as much back. I'm not proud that I am married to a man who is afraid to live his life and hides behind excuses to not try and thinks he's fulfilled person in life but yet wonders why he doesn't feel proud of himself. I'm not proud that I can't find a way to help him just get up and be someone, do something. When I say be someone I mean, someone else besides a man who sits there and does nothing for himself.
I wonder why is it that he tried so hard back then to go to the gym to get the ladies' attention when now he only cares to go if he by chance wants someone to notice him. What do I do? Call him fat and refuse to have sex with him because he's not perfect? I know that I do prefer the way he used to look and I've been waiting and waiting until he gets back to that but I don't know how to do anything.
I'm not proud that I'm scared of everything when it comes to him. Scared to hurt his feelings. Scared he'll not think well of himself in the future. Scared I'll make things worse for him. Scared that what he says by never leaving if that's really true. I'm trying so hard not to control him or to be mean or whatever, but maybe that's just like everyone else in his life who allows him to do what he wants in his life.
I guess that means it's my test and real confidence comes in knowing that God is in control and in trusting that he's not going to leave me, and if he does that God will see me through. I'm so scared I'll look like the bad guy to his family and I'll lose them or that I'll be a hypocrite or something like that.
Now that I sit here and write it all out I know that I need to toughen up in all aspects of my life, especially my marriage. I won't make decisions for him, but I won't allow him to settle either. And if he chooses to do something I don't agree with, like not working out or not calling grandmother and stuff like that than I'll simply just tell myself "ya know what, you're decisions are your decisions".
Father, this morning I ask for your help but I'm unsure what to ask for. Father search my heart and search my husbands heart especially and help us see what our needs are. Father thank you for this challenge because it truly has made me a strong independent woman, but I want to be more than that. I ask for your help. Father please forgive my sins. In your heavenly precious holy name I pray, amen."
I look around and it's like I see everyone so unafraid to stand up for themselves, even Steve wasn't afraid to break up with me a long time ago and he sure as hell wasn't afraid to let everyone think that it was all my fault and that I left him, even now he won't set the record straight and it's simply because he doesn't want to disappoint his family by saying the reason I left was because he started looking at porn and arguing with me again. If he would've given me just a couple of days to process the anger instead of adding to it and then saying I had no right to treat him like that, or to feel betrayed, or that I didn't trust him.
Father, I know that right now, this mood that I'm in I'm not regulating. I've learned how to disconnect myself so much in order to be that second person that I truly believe that's how I've become bipolar. Isn't that a crazy notion? To think that a person became a disorder that allows for several mood changes in order to self-regulate the other half that was disregulated? Sometimes that's what it feels like. It feels like I'm feeling those horrible emotions and I feel a heavy weight over me, like a dark cloud or something and then all of a sudden here comes this voice of reason on the other half of me trying to help bring sunshine in.
Take right now for instance. I feel angry, disappointed, let down, mad, scared, sad, depressed but I know that the only reason I'm feeling this way is because I'm too focused and worried on past decisions I've made and in reality shouldn't even be feeling that way considering I made all of those decisions for You and if I had the chance knowing that our relationship would be where it is now I would've done it all over again, however, there is another part of me that wishes I would've hugged him that night but said, "I'm sorry. Right now I feel like it's not safe to be around you and for you to be around me. Focus on you and if it's meant to be still, God will let it be on His time, not yours."
It was so easy to get caught up in that storybook, romance movie type of moment and I was scared to hurt his feelings, that if I said 'no' than he would think I meant forever and leave me.
But all in all, this is where we are and I have to say as much as I do love the progress he's made and the fact that he no longer lies as much as he used to, or looks at porn like he used to...I have to ask myself what if.
Don't get me wrong Father I am thankful. You and I both know that but at times I feel like I've gotten the short-end of the stick. I think what if he wouldn't have come around again and I continued to find myself, who I was. I know that I truly was proud of myself for working it out. Now, I'm not proud of myself. I'm not proud that I trust someone who can't be trusted. I'm not proud that I give so much and don't receive as much back. I'm not proud that I am married to a man who is afraid to live his life and hides behind excuses to not try and thinks he's fulfilled person in life but yet wonders why he doesn't feel proud of himself. I'm not proud that I can't find a way to help him just get up and be someone, do something. When I say be someone I mean, someone else besides a man who sits there and does nothing for himself.
I wonder why is it that he tried so hard back then to go to the gym to get the ladies' attention when now he only cares to go if he by chance wants someone to notice him. What do I do? Call him fat and refuse to have sex with him because he's not perfect? I know that I do prefer the way he used to look and I've been waiting and waiting until he gets back to that but I don't know how to do anything.
I'm not proud that I'm scared of everything when it comes to him. Scared to hurt his feelings. Scared he'll not think well of himself in the future. Scared I'll make things worse for him. Scared that what he says by never leaving if that's really true. I'm trying so hard not to control him or to be mean or whatever, but maybe that's just like everyone else in his life who allows him to do what he wants in his life.
I guess that means it's my test and real confidence comes in knowing that God is in control and in trusting that he's not going to leave me, and if he does that God will see me through. I'm so scared I'll look like the bad guy to his family and I'll lose them or that I'll be a hypocrite or something like that.
Now that I sit here and write it all out I know that I need to toughen up in all aspects of my life, especially my marriage. I won't make decisions for him, but I won't allow him to settle either. And if he chooses to do something I don't agree with, like not working out or not calling grandmother and stuff like that than I'll simply just tell myself "ya know what, you're decisions are your decisions".
Father, this morning I ask for your help but I'm unsure what to ask for. Father search my heart and search my husbands heart especially and help us see what our needs are. Father thank you for this challenge because it truly has made me a strong independent woman, but I want to be more than that. I ask for your help. Father please forgive my sins. In your heavenly precious holy name I pray, amen."
Sunday, March 6, 2011
"Going in Circles"
"Going in Circles"
by
Pamela Ribon
While it took me a little while to finish this book I really enjoyed reading it. When I purchased this book Steve and I were not "Steve and I". We were more like..."yes, technically we are spouses". What attracted me was the setting of a woman who was unsure of what happened or what was going to happen to her marriage. I obviously related to the uncertainty and would be lying if I said the $5.97 price wasn't an attraction as well. As I began reading the book it was hard for me to get into it because I was afraid that each chapter would get closer and closer to her marriage becoming a divorce. For my own life, I didn't want to even remotely think that was possible. Slowly I read each chapter until she meets her friend Francessca, oddly enough the goth girl at her job. At first I assumed that this particular friend would simply just be the kind I would or could never have considering my beliefs and that her way of coping would be to party and drink beer until the sun came up. Again, I found it a little difficult to continue reading, but nevertheless even though I have about 1000 projects on hold currently, I do not like leaving something unfinished, especially books that might help me cope in my own ways.It turned out loving this book and found it much easier to read after my own situation had changed because while I still related to the character, I knew that our outcomes would very closetly be completely different from one another. Her friend now reminds me of two of my very best friends who encourage me to not necessarily move on as to "drop him and run", but to just take my time in processing but to never lose sight of my own independence and choice.
I would give this book about a 4.4 out of a 5 because it was very relateable and actually made me laugh out loud a few too many times, which was very nice!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Future publications
Motivation. Encouragement. Adrenaline. Freedom. The moment was mundane but the thought was...freeing. Sitting in the bath tub reading my book it almost all fell together. A life's mess perfectly melted into one publication. I could see the chapters start to form and the ink stained passages page after page. What a thought? A goal even. One day I know I'll write... I'll write with feeling and devotion; order. I'm excited for what's to come and motivated for it's arrival.
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