Latley, I've been kind've outside of myself. Today, I want to say to God what I should've been grounded to say all week long.
Heavenly Father,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way that I've been living life lately; ungrateful, scattered, and confused. I know that I am human but I don't want to use that as an excuse right now. We both know I could've done a lot better. We both know I could've stood up a little more, been patient, more kind. We both know that if I would've held myself accountable I wouldn't have had so many drowsy, confused, freaked-out days.
The truth is father that it's me. I've let myself lose control of the situation and while You're the one that's in control, I've let go of my own responsibilities and for that I am sorry. I have relied so much on You to tell me and have refused to listen. I have tried to make something happen because I thought that's what you wanted and then tried to pick out ways that it could've been You that told me to do it when we both know that's not how this works.
The hard part is letting go Father. Letting go of the worries. It's one thing to pray it, it's another to feel it. I think in some ways I have but in others I'm still holding on to something that isn't in my control, like destiny, fate, future, and time. So often I get caught up in feeling like I have to be the one who gets something done instead of sitting back and waiting for You to work in me. I've wondered about my future and how I can kill a few stones all at once instead of just listening to you.
Father, I have no idea if I'm supposed to be in the National Guard or not. I know that there are benefits to both sides and I am completely confused as to what You want and how to listen to You. I know that I'm more scared to come out of it with broken faith and no one to help me come back. I know that I'm scared of a lot of things but what it truly comes down to is will I have enough courage to take a leap and to trust that You have my back no matter what I choose. I know that with You I could get through any experience, but I'm not certain if this isn't happening because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, or because it's not really what You want for me.
I know that there are lots of other ways I can be fearless in my faith and I have been too scared to take advantage of those opportunities as well. All of this fear within me; it's just another reason why joining the NG would force me to be a better version of myself.
All I've wanted is accountability. Ya know, it's not even something that's a hard thing to find as long as there's just one other person there to help you. Ya know ?It's not that I'm trying to put all the blame or responsibility on someone else because I'm not, it's my problem to hold myself accountable. I know that. But I also have to be realistic, realistic and know that I am sick and a part of me healing and learning how to cope on my own, to develop those skills is help.
Well, I won't go into all of that again because I don't want to make it seem like "oh poor me" because in reality, in comparison, I have a wonderful life even with all the bad. I have a family who loves me, friends who make me laugh, and I have a great sense of humor that makes others laugh. I'm happy and I know that You will provide. I just fear that I'll make everything worse, like some would say, like I think the tapes in my head still play from time to time.
"You ruin everything Katie!"
I think the largest reason why I wanted to join the NG was because I wanted to be fearless in my faith and then it became such a fear to even walk through the doors to get more information that it was my faith was useless with all the fear in me. If I can't even walk through the doors what does that say about my faith? What does that say about me?
Even now, today, I'm not worried about joining because I'm happy. I'm happy because I see good things in the future to come. I see traveling and going back to visit friends in Denver and exploring what it used to be. I'm looking forward to seeing the place that I loved and could see myself being comfortable and confident in my art, in my thoughts, in my body for the first time. I want to go back and not think, "man I want to be here again" but I want to close my eyes, breathe deep, and smile because I did it. I made it happen once and even just for a short time I succeeded!
Father, all week long I've asked for things I've thought I was supposed to ask for; patience, discernment, etc. I know that You're above me and that You know when there is an empty prayer. Father it's not that I didn't truly feel these things and that I didn't want them. It's that it wasn't from my heart, at least not everything I prayed about.
Father thank you for all the good that You're bring to me, to my life. For a long time in Denver it was truly a darkness I never wanted to revisit and suddenly after I moved out and into my apartment I was in that darkness again. Both times You have shown me that if I wait on You than things will get better.
I know now that we are expected to fall, to crawl, and at times sit in the middle of the darkness because You want us to keep going, to keep believing. You allow certain hardships in our lives to build our faith, to build our love, and courage for You. I know that this is it and that this while mild, is my darkness, but I have hope because of You, because of past example, because You love me.
Father I want to ask for forgiveness. I want to ask for a second chance at holding myself accountable. I am truly sorry for the things that I have done to show not love towards You but something else. I do love You Father and I ask that YOU guide me to the future that YOU want me to take so that I may better carry out YOUR will. Teach me as YOU see fit.
Father I also want to just ask for that one humanly person to help hold me accountable. Who may not solely rely on me and I on them, but that we may build our confidence together not as two humans helping one another but as two humans willing to sacrifice their lives, their time, and their bodies so that You may work through them. Father I ask for accountability and for a helper of mine own.
In Your most heavenly name I pray, amen.
