Today has been an interesting day thus far. To be quite honest this entire week has been weird.
I finished another set of paintings for a childs room so that was at least productive. I'm hoping that my photographer friend Leya will be willing to shoot some shots for my etsy.com account so that I can at least get those up soon.
What I really want to talk about right now is something that Dr. Archie mentioned. As we spent our hour talking today it begun to make complete sense of how I've personally been acting this past week.
He started to talk about when the brain goes into survival mode it starts to lose hope, lose faith, lose a motivation, and meaning of purpose because our brain is so focused on worrying about the necessities to stay alive. Eat. Drink. Sleep.
To me this makes perfect sense because...it's sort of hard to explain but I'm trying to do the best that I can. It is almost as if I have reverted back to what I know about survival. It's eating spaghetti and not driving too much to conserve gas. It's using my resources at home so that I won't have to waste gas or money on food eating out. I think that after my last paycheck at Kirklands I have begun to start thinking like this and now it's having a negative affect on me.
It's clear to me now that's why I haven't taken the opportunity to travel and distribute my business cards; because I'm trying to conserve gas. I think it makes sense why it's begun to affect my sleep, the worrying. It has begun to affect my physical health as far as motivation to exercise or eat right regularily and loss of motivation to really find inspiration or courage.
Spiritually I think that's why I've been struggling as well because I've been so consumed with faith that I've lost mine and to be so trapped indoors and set in this mode of survial has dampered the trust I carry in my Lord.
I think He wants me to still go out even if I'm not sure when I'll be able to fill the gas tank up again. I think it's okay if I eat out sometimes, or to splurge on something like the good kind of toilet paper instead of the dollar store because it means I am having that fearless faith that I've been wanting to have. I think He wants me to wake up and carry on my day like I have this purpose, somewhere to be, someplace to go, and some thing to do even though it might just be to the bank, or to call a friend, or to listen to conference calls for my business.
I think I understand now and I'm a little bit more hopeful and relieved. I know now that this is why I decided to quit my job and that it wasn't that I made a mistake, but that He was trying to show me how to have that fearless faith that is so hard to have when you're someone like me.
Now, I feel just a little bit better understanding Him and I'm truly thankful!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Overdue Prayer
Latley, I've been kind've outside of myself. Today, I want to say to God what I should've been grounded to say all week long.
Heavenly Father,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way that I've been living life lately; ungrateful, scattered, and confused. I know that I am human but I don't want to use that as an excuse right now. We both know I could've done a lot better. We both know I could've stood up a little more, been patient, more kind. We both know that if I would've held myself accountable I wouldn't have had so many drowsy, confused, freaked-out days.
The truth is father that it's me. I've let myself lose control of the situation and while You're the one that's in control, I've let go of my own responsibilities and for that I am sorry. I have relied so much on You to tell me and have refused to listen. I have tried to make something happen because I thought that's what you wanted and then tried to pick out ways that it could've been You that told me to do it when we both know that's not how this works.
The hard part is letting go Father. Letting go of the worries. It's one thing to pray it, it's another to feel it. I think in some ways I have but in others I'm still holding on to something that isn't in my control, like destiny, fate, future, and time. So often I get caught up in feeling like I have to be the one who gets something done instead of sitting back and waiting for You to work in me. I've wondered about my future and how I can kill a few stones all at once instead of just listening to you.
Father, I have no idea if I'm supposed to be in the National Guard or not. I know that there are benefits to both sides and I am completely confused as to what You want and how to listen to You. I know that I'm more scared to come out of it with broken faith and no one to help me come back. I know that I'm scared of a lot of things but what it truly comes down to is will I have enough courage to take a leap and to trust that You have my back no matter what I choose. I know that with You I could get through any experience, but I'm not certain if this isn't happening because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, or because it's not really what You want for me.
I know that there are lots of other ways I can be fearless in my faith and I have been too scared to take advantage of those opportunities as well. All of this fear within me; it's just another reason why joining the NG would force me to be a better version of myself.
All I've wanted is accountability. Ya know, it's not even something that's a hard thing to find as long as there's just one other person there to help you. Ya know ?It's not that I'm trying to put all the blame or responsibility on someone else because I'm not, it's my problem to hold myself accountable. I know that. But I also have to be realistic, realistic and know that I am sick and a part of me healing and learning how to cope on my own, to develop those skills is help.
Well, I won't go into all of that again because I don't want to make it seem like "oh poor me" because in reality, in comparison, I have a wonderful life even with all the bad. I have a family who loves me, friends who make me laugh, and I have a great sense of humor that makes others laugh. I'm happy and I know that You will provide. I just fear that I'll make everything worse, like some would say, like I think the tapes in my head still play from time to time.
"You ruin everything Katie!"
I think the largest reason why I wanted to join the NG was because I wanted to be fearless in my faith and then it became such a fear to even walk through the doors to get more information that it was my faith was useless with all the fear in me. If I can't even walk through the doors what does that say about my faith? What does that say about me?
Even now, today, I'm not worried about joining because I'm happy. I'm happy because I see good things in the future to come. I see traveling and going back to visit friends in Denver and exploring what it used to be. I'm looking forward to seeing the place that I loved and could see myself being comfortable and confident in my art, in my thoughts, in my body for the first time. I want to go back and not think, "man I want to be here again" but I want to close my eyes, breathe deep, and smile because I did it. I made it happen once and even just for a short time I succeeded!
Father, all week long I've asked for things I've thought I was supposed to ask for; patience, discernment, etc. I know that You're above me and that You know when there is an empty prayer. Father it's not that I didn't truly feel these things and that I didn't want them. It's that it wasn't from my heart, at least not everything I prayed about.
Father thank you for all the good that You're bring to me, to my life. For a long time in Denver it was truly a darkness I never wanted to revisit and suddenly after I moved out and into my apartment I was in that darkness again. Both times You have shown me that if I wait on You than things will get better.
I know now that we are expected to fall, to crawl, and at times sit in the middle of the darkness because You want us to keep going, to keep believing. You allow certain hardships in our lives to build our faith, to build our love, and courage for You. I know that this is it and that this while mild, is my darkness, but I have hope because of You, because of past example, because You love me.
Father I want to ask for forgiveness. I want to ask for a second chance at holding myself accountable. I am truly sorry for the things that I have done to show not love towards You but something else. I do love You Father and I ask that YOU guide me to the future that YOU want me to take so that I may better carry out YOUR will. Teach me as YOU see fit.
Father I also want to just ask for that one humanly person to help hold me accountable. Who may not solely rely on me and I on them, but that we may build our confidence together not as two humans helping one another but as two humans willing to sacrifice their lives, their time, and their bodies so that You may work through them. Father I ask for accountability and for a helper of mine own.
In Your most heavenly name I pray, amen.
Heavenly Father,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way that I've been living life lately; ungrateful, scattered, and confused. I know that I am human but I don't want to use that as an excuse right now. We both know I could've done a lot better. We both know I could've stood up a little more, been patient, more kind. We both know that if I would've held myself accountable I wouldn't have had so many drowsy, confused, freaked-out days.
The truth is father that it's me. I've let myself lose control of the situation and while You're the one that's in control, I've let go of my own responsibilities and for that I am sorry. I have relied so much on You to tell me and have refused to listen. I have tried to make something happen because I thought that's what you wanted and then tried to pick out ways that it could've been You that told me to do it when we both know that's not how this works.
The hard part is letting go Father. Letting go of the worries. It's one thing to pray it, it's another to feel it. I think in some ways I have but in others I'm still holding on to something that isn't in my control, like destiny, fate, future, and time. So often I get caught up in feeling like I have to be the one who gets something done instead of sitting back and waiting for You to work in me. I've wondered about my future and how I can kill a few stones all at once instead of just listening to you.
Father, I have no idea if I'm supposed to be in the National Guard or not. I know that there are benefits to both sides and I am completely confused as to what You want and how to listen to You. I know that I'm more scared to come out of it with broken faith and no one to help me come back. I know that I'm scared of a lot of things but what it truly comes down to is will I have enough courage to take a leap and to trust that You have my back no matter what I choose. I know that with You I could get through any experience, but I'm not certain if this isn't happening because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, or because it's not really what You want for me.
I know that there are lots of other ways I can be fearless in my faith and I have been too scared to take advantage of those opportunities as well. All of this fear within me; it's just another reason why joining the NG would force me to be a better version of myself.
All I've wanted is accountability. Ya know, it's not even something that's a hard thing to find as long as there's just one other person there to help you. Ya know ?It's not that I'm trying to put all the blame or responsibility on someone else because I'm not, it's my problem to hold myself accountable. I know that. But I also have to be realistic, realistic and know that I am sick and a part of me healing and learning how to cope on my own, to develop those skills is help.
Well, I won't go into all of that again because I don't want to make it seem like "oh poor me" because in reality, in comparison, I have a wonderful life even with all the bad. I have a family who loves me, friends who make me laugh, and I have a great sense of humor that makes others laugh. I'm happy and I know that You will provide. I just fear that I'll make everything worse, like some would say, like I think the tapes in my head still play from time to time.
"You ruin everything Katie!"
I think the largest reason why I wanted to join the NG was because I wanted to be fearless in my faith and then it became such a fear to even walk through the doors to get more information that it was my faith was useless with all the fear in me. If I can't even walk through the doors what does that say about my faith? What does that say about me?
Even now, today, I'm not worried about joining because I'm happy. I'm happy because I see good things in the future to come. I see traveling and going back to visit friends in Denver and exploring what it used to be. I'm looking forward to seeing the place that I loved and could see myself being comfortable and confident in my art, in my thoughts, in my body for the first time. I want to go back and not think, "man I want to be here again" but I want to close my eyes, breathe deep, and smile because I did it. I made it happen once and even just for a short time I succeeded!
Father, all week long I've asked for things I've thought I was supposed to ask for; patience, discernment, etc. I know that You're above me and that You know when there is an empty prayer. Father it's not that I didn't truly feel these things and that I didn't want them. It's that it wasn't from my heart, at least not everything I prayed about.
Father thank you for all the good that You're bring to me, to my life. For a long time in Denver it was truly a darkness I never wanted to revisit and suddenly after I moved out and into my apartment I was in that darkness again. Both times You have shown me that if I wait on You than things will get better.
I know now that we are expected to fall, to crawl, and at times sit in the middle of the darkness because You want us to keep going, to keep believing. You allow certain hardships in our lives to build our faith, to build our love, and courage for You. I know that this is it and that this while mild, is my darkness, but I have hope because of You, because of past example, because You love me.
Father I want to ask for forgiveness. I want to ask for a second chance at holding myself accountable. I am truly sorry for the things that I have done to show not love towards You but something else. I do love You Father and I ask that YOU guide me to the future that YOU want me to take so that I may better carry out YOUR will. Teach me as YOU see fit.
Father I also want to just ask for that one humanly person to help hold me accountable. Who may not solely rely on me and I on them, but that we may build our confidence together not as two humans helping one another but as two humans willing to sacrifice their lives, their time, and their bodies so that You may work through them. Father I ask for accountability and for a helper of mine own.
In Your most heavenly name I pray, amen.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Wishes don't come true
I wish I had a partner who was accountable, reliable, and most of all just there. Today I've got about 1000 different things going through my head and the beauty of having a best friend who's your partner is knowing they're the ones you can count on to help sort through it all. They're the ones who are going to listen to what's going on in your brain and help you take one thought at a time, not to make you feel stupid or forgettable.
And they certainly can't just ignore you.
I have no clue what I'm doing in my life. All of a sudden it seems so out of control and I'm not sure if it's that it seems that way or if it's because I let it get to this point. Maybe I'm just freaking out unnecessarily.
Either way this is why it comes down to feeling alone, even when I know that I'm not; because the one person I want and really really wish I had next to me... is lost in his own little world, unreachable.
Father, please help me to makes sense of my life. Help be that partner for me. Send me help so that I may know Your will for me. Use me how you see fit and if anything else I ask for Your forgiveness and regulation. In Your precious name, amen.
And they certainly can't just ignore you.
I have no clue what I'm doing in my life. All of a sudden it seems so out of control and I'm not sure if it's that it seems that way or if it's because I let it get to this point. Maybe I'm just freaking out unnecessarily.
Either way this is why it comes down to feeling alone, even when I know that I'm not; because the one person I want and really really wish I had next to me... is lost in his own little world, unreachable.
Father, please help me to makes sense of my life. Help be that partner for me. Send me help so that I may know Your will for me. Use me how you see fit and if anything else I ask for Your forgiveness and regulation. In Your precious name, amen.
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Next Chapter
Should something like a marriage be a place where you're still just living your life? Should it be that you're living a life for someone else? Should it be that you're only a part of someone's life, playing a supporting character but not really half of the whole show?
Maybe I still haven't figured out what this marriage was, is, or will become.
I know now as I sit here and wonder that isn't a life that I thought I would have. Do I love my narcissist? Yes, absolutely! Is my frustrations merely just a side affect of spending eternity with one person? I'm not sure. I know that a lot of things in life aren't meant to be solved and that questioning the 'why's' are pointless. I know that there are times when I don't know anything, but this much is true that it's not the life I wanted.
Never in my wildest of dreams did I think that I would have a life that I live, married to a man that I love, one day going to have children together...who doesn't even know who I am or what I do; who may not even care about my life and if I live it for me, God, but only if I play a valid part in his life.
The downside of narcissm is loneliness; loneliness in the partners life. A lot of times they're oblivious to the lives that live outside of theirs and if it's not for their sole purpose of survival it should not and does not exist.
Take this blog for example. I write in it. It's a place where I can come and be safe with my thoughts. I want it to be something to help others, if they read. In most instances I would like to have my partner read it because he's interested in how I work, in my mind, in my thoughts, in my life which is very difficult for the brain of a narcissist to do.
Most of the time I feel like I'm just a person living a completely seperate life from my partner without him ever knowing it. Every little move that I make doesn't seem to make one bit of difference, right or wrong unless it involves him. If it is something that is "wrong" by my biblical standards than it's not worth the time spent helping to encourage that it was wrong for those reasons, at least not to him. If it's something that has directly resulted in affecting his life, it is completely unacceptable.
Should this be the way a marriage is to survive? Can it survive this way?
Not so long ago I lost friends and family because of these decisions that I've made, to sacrifice, to make time for, to learn my lines for this never-ending opera. If you ask me why I did I'll say it was because of love. I'll say at first it was because I loved my narcissist before I knew who he truly was. After that it was because I loved my narcissist because I knew who he truly was. But somewhere in my complete personal overhaul did I choose to do what I did because I loved God despite of who my narcissist was, or possibly will be.
My life is a great life. It's life. I live for God and I'm grateful for what I have. If I can't stand up to any of the promises I've made to myself, to my narcissit or anyone else...I have to be willing to stand up for the promise I made to God no matter how I'm feeling. There are most certainly great times between us, however, there is most certainly a 'but' that follows that statement. Should there be?
Most of the time at the end of a long, strenuous, stressful, frustrating day I have to ask myself not how much I love my narcissist, but rather how much do I love God. Do I love him enough to carry the burden of being a wife to a narcissist?
I realize now that to wonder if he'll change, or even if he can, isn't right to do. I believe more in the power of God than I do my narcissist and with that I know that he will. God is strong even when partner is weak and God is humble even when my he is too proud. I know that with God's help and guidance that he will change some day. One day God will provide strength and courage to my narcissist so that he will no longer be stuck in his days of selfishness and blame. I know that God works in His time, not mine. Suddenly as I write I feel relief to know that it's ok to live my life accordingly, not selfishly, or sacrificially.
I know that it is not my responsibility to change him, it is His. God has shown me the power of giving my narcissist to Him and I have lost that. When I left my narcissist for the first time I was afraid. I was afraid but I knew I wouldn't survive otherwise. I didn't just decide for myself, I decided for my narcissist that I did him no good falling in the hole with him.
On the car ride to my new apartment I cried, and cried but what I remember saying is this: "Take him. Father take him. He is yours now. I'm sorry if I've made the wrong decision. I'm sorry I couldn't change him."
In time God worked in his heart and even though it was painful to watch God gave me what I wanted and He will do it again. I'm thankful for the work He has done in me, especially with the knowledge and experience of letting God handle my narcissist.
So the only question that remains now is "What will I choose to do with my time in waiting?" To that I'll answer, "defy gravity and live to the fullest for Him and only Him!"
Maybe I still haven't figured out what this marriage was, is, or will become.
I know now as I sit here and wonder that isn't a life that I thought I would have. Do I love my narcissist? Yes, absolutely! Is my frustrations merely just a side affect of spending eternity with one person? I'm not sure. I know that a lot of things in life aren't meant to be solved and that questioning the 'why's' are pointless. I know that there are times when I don't know anything, but this much is true that it's not the life I wanted.
Never in my wildest of dreams did I think that I would have a life that I live, married to a man that I love, one day going to have children together...who doesn't even know who I am or what I do; who may not even care about my life and if I live it for me, God, but only if I play a valid part in his life.
The downside of narcissm is loneliness; loneliness in the partners life. A lot of times they're oblivious to the lives that live outside of theirs and if it's not for their sole purpose of survival it should not and does not exist.
Take this blog for example. I write in it. It's a place where I can come and be safe with my thoughts. I want it to be something to help others, if they read. In most instances I would like to have my partner read it because he's interested in how I work, in my mind, in my thoughts, in my life which is very difficult for the brain of a narcissist to do.
Most of the time I feel like I'm just a person living a completely seperate life from my partner without him ever knowing it. Every little move that I make doesn't seem to make one bit of difference, right or wrong unless it involves him. If it is something that is "wrong" by my biblical standards than it's not worth the time spent helping to encourage that it was wrong for those reasons, at least not to him. If it's something that has directly resulted in affecting his life, it is completely unacceptable.
Should this be the way a marriage is to survive? Can it survive this way?
Not so long ago I lost friends and family because of these decisions that I've made, to sacrifice, to make time for, to learn my lines for this never-ending opera. If you ask me why I did I'll say it was because of love. I'll say at first it was because I loved my narcissist before I knew who he truly was. After that it was because I loved my narcissist because I knew who he truly was. But somewhere in my complete personal overhaul did I choose to do what I did because I loved God despite of who my narcissist was, or possibly will be.
My life is a great life. It's life. I live for God and I'm grateful for what I have. If I can't stand up to any of the promises I've made to myself, to my narcissit or anyone else...I have to be willing to stand up for the promise I made to God no matter how I'm feeling. There are most certainly great times between us, however, there is most certainly a 'but' that follows that statement. Should there be?
Most of the time at the end of a long, strenuous, stressful, frustrating day I have to ask myself not how much I love my narcissist, but rather how much do I love God. Do I love him enough to carry the burden of being a wife to a narcissist?
I realize now that to wonder if he'll change, or even if he can, isn't right to do. I believe more in the power of God than I do my narcissist and with that I know that he will. God is strong even when partner is weak and God is humble even when my he is too proud. I know that with God's help and guidance that he will change some day. One day God will provide strength and courage to my narcissist so that he will no longer be stuck in his days of selfishness and blame. I know that God works in His time, not mine. Suddenly as I write I feel relief to know that it's ok to live my life accordingly, not selfishly, or sacrificially.
I know that it is not my responsibility to change him, it is His. God has shown me the power of giving my narcissist to Him and I have lost that. When I left my narcissist for the first time I was afraid. I was afraid but I knew I wouldn't survive otherwise. I didn't just decide for myself, I decided for my narcissist that I did him no good falling in the hole with him.
On the car ride to my new apartment I cried, and cried but what I remember saying is this: "Take him. Father take him. He is yours now. I'm sorry if I've made the wrong decision. I'm sorry I couldn't change him."
In time God worked in his heart and even though it was painful to watch God gave me what I wanted and He will do it again. I'm thankful for the work He has done in me, especially with the knowledge and experience of letting God handle my narcissist.
So the only question that remains now is "What will I choose to do with my time in waiting?" To that I'll answer, "defy gravity and live to the fullest for Him and only Him!"
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Testament of Lessons Learned
Here's the thing.
I have never pretended to be perfect. In most ways I am expectedly unperfect, but in other ways I am extraordinary. Do I have room to grow? Absolutely! This blog, "Me, My Narcissist, and God" is my story. It's my life. Day-in and day-out.
I know that to prove to myself and to my narcissist that anything is possible I have to step it up. I have to take that leap and try to defy gravity. Perhaps this is why I was chosen to be his wife, perhaps it's farther from God's plan than He would intend. I have to trust that He knows what's right and I've always, even as a kid, known that He was there.
I'd like to tell you of a little girl. She lived all alone with her dad and sister. Once upon a time she had a mother. After her mother and father divorced she lived vibrantly in the little girls imagination. Her mother could be "anything", she'd say but she'd always be there when she was needed most. The little girl was a tom-boy at first but after she and her family moved she got lost between the cracks. On one side you had the little girls who had their mother and were complete as women and on the other side you had the little girls who only had their daddy but were always known for being daddy's little girl. This little girl couldn't quite manage either one.
After her sister moved out of the house the little girl took care of her father, loving, feeding, and idolizing him as if she were 'daddy's little girl'. As the girl grew older and more reluctant to be her father's maid their relationship grew to non-existent.
One could say that because of the way the little girl grew up that she was bound to be labeled as damaged, which certainly wasn't short of her self-evaluations.
Years passed and she found herself two years into the marriage with problems from ear to ear. "Was she the one who caused it all for being 'damaged' goods?" Most would assume, "yes, she was". It was safe to presume that because she had fewer cheerleaders routing for her and less family that it had to be her that would be the death of the marriage.
Now at this point in the story don't believe everything that meets the eye, she was most certainly damaged in some ways, but "broken" she was not. All she needed was a little faith in her, a few more cheerleaders and she'd be ready to leave all the 'damaged' for good.
Now, the only question left wasn't whether she could do anything, but rather if she would.
I have never pretended to be perfect. In most ways I am expectedly unperfect, but in other ways I am extraordinary. Do I have room to grow? Absolutely! This blog, "Me, My Narcissist, and God" is my story. It's my life. Day-in and day-out.
I know that to prove to myself and to my narcissist that anything is possible I have to step it up. I have to take that leap and try to defy gravity. Perhaps this is why I was chosen to be his wife, perhaps it's farther from God's plan than He would intend. I have to trust that He knows what's right and I've always, even as a kid, known that He was there.
I'd like to tell you of a little girl. She lived all alone with her dad and sister. Once upon a time she had a mother. After her mother and father divorced she lived vibrantly in the little girls imagination. Her mother could be "anything", she'd say but she'd always be there when she was needed most. The little girl was a tom-boy at first but after she and her family moved she got lost between the cracks. On one side you had the little girls who had their mother and were complete as women and on the other side you had the little girls who only had their daddy but were always known for being daddy's little girl. This little girl couldn't quite manage either one.
After her sister moved out of the house the little girl took care of her father, loving, feeding, and idolizing him as if she were 'daddy's little girl'. As the girl grew older and more reluctant to be her father's maid their relationship grew to non-existent.
One could say that because of the way the little girl grew up that she was bound to be labeled as damaged, which certainly wasn't short of her self-evaluations.
Years passed and she found herself two years into the marriage with problems from ear to ear. "Was she the one who caused it all for being 'damaged' goods?" Most would assume, "yes, she was". It was safe to presume that because she had fewer cheerleaders routing for her and less family that it had to be her that would be the death of the marriage.
Now at this point in the story don't believe everything that meets the eye, she was most certainly damaged in some ways, but "broken" she was not. All she needed was a little faith in her, a few more cheerleaders and she'd be ready to leave all the 'damaged' for good.
Now, the only question left wasn't whether she could do anything, but rather if she would.
Future Predictions
So many things running through my head right now. The majority of "lessons" I've learned are coming down to one single thought. "Have I truly learned from my mistakes enough to know not to let them happen again?"
...
...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
3rd Wheel
Never did I imagine that when my husband decided to move out, on his own was it because he wanted to have the single life instead of accepting responsibilities as a husband. Never did I think that I was alone because he wanted to have fun and never did I think that I sold my beautiful things in my apartment to move in with someone who wasn't committed to me. I wouldn't have, I was fine where I was. In reality I needed that time to be myself, to find who I was instead of jumping into another relationship. It's upsetting to think the whole time I knew what was going on and no one believed me and when they had the slightest bit of validity they disregarded it with justifications and blame.
I was certain and no one believed me. Just like I was certain to know that we would never have a seperate life outside of his friends or family lerking around us. Do I like their involvement? I like their love, unconditional love but we both know that doesn't exist to them unless you're perfect or blood. I am neither so it was different for me, completely different.
I do not intend to complain about the past but rather hindsights point of view.
What I feel today isn't about his family it's about his friends. Don't get me wrong on a happy day I'm glad to spend time with them, they are fun, and at the right time just what one needs, but they aren't and shouldn't be such a large part of this marriage. In a way it's what I've always been fighting for for this marriage and haven't won. Just when I think I've made my point there you'll find another obstacle stuck in between us. First it was committment, then addiction, then truth, distance, family, time, and now friends. When will it just be us? Us?
Will it ever be just us? Us having fun just being friends and spending quality time together; not quanitity, but quality.
I miss that. I miss my husband. I miss it being a no brainer to come home and ask me what's for dinner instead of a roommate. I miss the "let's go get breakfast" on the weekends or before church. I miss the time when it was just us where I had my husband all to myself and didn't have to share him to any other person, woman, video game, family event, or friends tagging along.
A lot of times I wonder if his lack of enthusiasm to be 'just us' is because of me, because I am boring. I am not like other woman who have the full package, who have brains. I somehow fell through the cracks and all I have is self-taught knowledge from years of learning how to read people and what is or isn't truth. Isn't that enough? Or shouldn't it be?
It's depressing when I look into our future, into my future and see my own disappointment; to see a life like his parents. I want to be happy and I want to be full, a healthy marriage the way that God intended it to be; us and Him.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have taken my chance to leave. What always stops me from believing it was a better choice are two things. Well, maybe, now that I'm thinking about it just one. I loved God too much to walk away from the promise of forever with this man that I chose. I could break 1000 promises to others in this world and be okay with it somehow, but knowing that I broke that one promise to God...I don't know how I would respond or what I would do, but I know I would be sad.
Haha I guess either way I've come out sad.
Maybe it's just the weather.
I was certain and no one believed me. Just like I was certain to know that we would never have a seperate life outside of his friends or family lerking around us. Do I like their involvement? I like their love, unconditional love but we both know that doesn't exist to them unless you're perfect or blood. I am neither so it was different for me, completely different.
I do not intend to complain about the past but rather hindsights point of view.
What I feel today isn't about his family it's about his friends. Don't get me wrong on a happy day I'm glad to spend time with them, they are fun, and at the right time just what one needs, but they aren't and shouldn't be such a large part of this marriage. In a way it's what I've always been fighting for for this marriage and haven't won. Just when I think I've made my point there you'll find another obstacle stuck in between us. First it was committment, then addiction, then truth, distance, family, time, and now friends. When will it just be us? Us?
Will it ever be just us? Us having fun just being friends and spending quality time together; not quanitity, but quality.
I miss that. I miss my husband. I miss it being a no brainer to come home and ask me what's for dinner instead of a roommate. I miss the "let's go get breakfast" on the weekends or before church. I miss the time when it was just us where I had my husband all to myself and didn't have to share him to any other person, woman, video game, family event, or friends tagging along.
A lot of times I wonder if his lack of enthusiasm to be 'just us' is because of me, because I am boring. I am not like other woman who have the full package, who have brains. I somehow fell through the cracks and all I have is self-taught knowledge from years of learning how to read people and what is or isn't truth. Isn't that enough? Or shouldn't it be?
It's depressing when I look into our future, into my future and see my own disappointment; to see a life like his parents. I want to be happy and I want to be full, a healthy marriage the way that God intended it to be; us and Him.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have taken my chance to leave. What always stops me from believing it was a better choice are two things. Well, maybe, now that I'm thinking about it just one. I loved God too much to walk away from the promise of forever with this man that I chose. I could break 1000 promises to others in this world and be okay with it somehow, but knowing that I broke that one promise to God...I don't know how I would respond or what I would do, but I know I would be sad.
Haha I guess either way I've come out sad.
Maybe it's just the weather.
Yesterday's Encouraging Word
I'm not surprised by checking my e-mail today and seeing that Titus 2:7 was yesterday's encouraging word from K-LOVE. It goes very well with the story I told you in yesterday's post about my friends questions.
"And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching." -Titus 2:7
Thank you Father for listening so intently!
"And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching." -Titus 2:7
Thank you Father for listening so intently!
Friday, January 21, 2011
"Through Christ Who Strengthens Us"
Sometimes I start to seriously doubt my existence in the spiritual world. Sometimes I think that I am not doing God justice by living my life for Him. However, sometimes just when I forget that I play such a valuable part in God's meticulous plan, He'll show me why He needs me. He has entrusted so much faith, strength, and courage within me. At times when I think about where I was in my life and where I am now it's almost as if there's a transformation of souls.
It used to be my entire life, everything was me, but the more I've let God work in my heart the more I am like Him and suddenly this life doesn't continue as mine anymore. Rather I am the body that serves His purpose. I am His arms and His legs here on this Earth and when I think about it that way it makes it that much easier for me to remember that I have a job to do for Him.
Love.
Love is such a powerful thing. Love isn't just something you share with a partner, a spouse, a friend. Love isn't your favorite movie or spaghetti sauce. Love is what happens when you are afraid but you take a chance any way. Love is forgiving. Love is kind and patient. Love is allowing an enemy to become your best friend. Love is helping the guy who knew he was wrong. Love is never abandoning a true friend but always praying for them even when you don't get the same in return. Love is something that helps us survive and without it we are nothing.
Sometimes I wonder why I gave my husband chance after chance to break my heart all over again. I'm sure he could say the same thing. I wonder what's wrong with me when I allow lies to happen but I forgive them anyway. I wonder what in the world was I thinking by trying to be friends with someone I can't stand, or don't get along with, let alone doesn't care about me the same way. I wonder about the times when I choose to put my feelings aside for the sake of explaining something to someone else, or being there for a person who needs me to be.
Today I started to forget and I started to wonder. But then something amazing happened, something so little that to the human eye could be mistaken, forgotten, or even unappreciated.
I have a friend, one whom I've only met through one of those many lies told. She is one I never thought I'd ever understand, let alone be friends with. There are things about her that I do not agree with, things she does that I do not condone but empathize with her options. At times I envy her beauty but I also see her flaws. She asked me today about God. She asked me; a person she doesn't know much.
She asked me a couple of questions she had about the Bible and evolution because of something that happened to her today. She began to tell me that a friend of hers told her she was destined to hell for believing in evolution and other things. She proceeded to tell me that this friend considered themselves as one who believed and followed Christ. As she told me I started to empathize with my friends' life and how this might've affected her. I couldn't imagine anyone telling me I would be going to hell, let alone someone I considered a "friend".
I have to ask myself now, after having this conversation with her 'do I still believe that I have no purpose in God's plan?' After this I would say 'No!' I do believe and God has reminded me that this is why I do what I do, I love the way I love.
Pay no attention to me or what I have done in this, but pay attention to what He has done through me. He has worked so hard in my heart to have accepted her when others wouldn't, to have forgiven her when others wouldn't, and to most of all loved her when others choose not to.
That is not the way to win anyone's heart for Christ; by telling them they are going to hell. The way you 'win' is with love, true love. Love for Christ through yourself.
I leave with this final reminder that anything can happen "through Christ who strengthens me" -Phil 4:13
It used to be my entire life, everything was me, but the more I've let God work in my heart the more I am like Him and suddenly this life doesn't continue as mine anymore. Rather I am the body that serves His purpose. I am His arms and His legs here on this Earth and when I think about it that way it makes it that much easier for me to remember that I have a job to do for Him.
Love.
Love is such a powerful thing. Love isn't just something you share with a partner, a spouse, a friend. Love isn't your favorite movie or spaghetti sauce. Love is what happens when you are afraid but you take a chance any way. Love is forgiving. Love is kind and patient. Love is allowing an enemy to become your best friend. Love is helping the guy who knew he was wrong. Love is never abandoning a true friend but always praying for them even when you don't get the same in return. Love is something that helps us survive and without it we are nothing.
Sometimes I wonder why I gave my husband chance after chance to break my heart all over again. I'm sure he could say the same thing. I wonder what's wrong with me when I allow lies to happen but I forgive them anyway. I wonder what in the world was I thinking by trying to be friends with someone I can't stand, or don't get along with, let alone doesn't care about me the same way. I wonder about the times when I choose to put my feelings aside for the sake of explaining something to someone else, or being there for a person who needs me to be.
Today I started to forget and I started to wonder. But then something amazing happened, something so little that to the human eye could be mistaken, forgotten, or even unappreciated.
I have a friend, one whom I've only met through one of those many lies told. She is one I never thought I'd ever understand, let alone be friends with. There are things about her that I do not agree with, things she does that I do not condone but empathize with her options. At times I envy her beauty but I also see her flaws. She asked me today about God. She asked me; a person she doesn't know much.
She asked me a couple of questions she had about the Bible and evolution because of something that happened to her today. She began to tell me that a friend of hers told her she was destined to hell for believing in evolution and other things. She proceeded to tell me that this friend considered themselves as one who believed and followed Christ. As she told me I started to empathize with my friends' life and how this might've affected her. I couldn't imagine anyone telling me I would be going to hell, let alone someone I considered a "friend".
I have to ask myself now, after having this conversation with her 'do I still believe that I have no purpose in God's plan?' After this I would say 'No!' I do believe and God has reminded me that this is why I do what I do, I love the way I love.
Pay no attention to me or what I have done in this, but pay attention to what He has done through me. He has worked so hard in my heart to have accepted her when others wouldn't, to have forgiven her when others wouldn't, and to most of all loved her when others choose not to.
That is not the way to win anyone's heart for Christ; by telling them they are going to hell. The way you 'win' is with love, true love. Love for Christ through yourself.
I leave with this final reminder that anything can happen "through Christ who strengthens me" -Phil 4:13
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Business Cards of bliss
Remember yesterday when I was talking about how God always comes through in His own way?
Right after I finished writing in my blog for my new business "A Gift Surprise" I got a knock at my door. At first, of course it couldn't be good news, so I thought it was the property manager at my apartment complex wanting to do inspections today.
"Wait. Did I hear him say 'UPS'?"
Yes. YES! YESSSSSSSSS! It was UPS and he brought me the best gift! He brought me my business cards, thank you cards, car magnet, car window decal, and lots of stickers to put on my gift baskets that read my information on it! I couldn't be more excited and motivated right now!
Funk be gone...hello sunshine!
And a little wink for up above!
Right after I finished writing in my blog for my new business "A Gift Surprise" I got a knock at my door. At first, of course it couldn't be good news, so I thought it was the property manager at my apartment complex wanting to do inspections today.
"Wait. Did I hear him say 'UPS'?"
Yes. YES! YESSSSSSSSS! It was UPS and he brought me the best gift! He brought me my business cards, thank you cards, car magnet, car window decal, and lots of stickers to put on my gift baskets that read my information on it! I couldn't be more excited and motivated right now!
Funk be gone...hello sunshine!
And a little wink for up above!
Performance Anxiety
Have you ever had a day where you weren't really "required" to do anything but yet you feel that constant pressure of something lerking over your shoulder? For me today is that day. I think maybe this whole week has been such a stress to take on. I feel like if I make one wrong move I'm going to fail, which in reality that's not how it happens.
I feel pressure to seek jobs but I do have a business of my own now. I feel a pressure to prove myself to others although their opinions shouldn't matter. I feel a pressure to be what others want me to be and suddenly all of these worries are starting to weigh me down.
Will this business succeed?
Will I get another job considering I quit Kirklands?
Will I do this, will I do that?
Can I even do anything?
It's such a shame to waste such a beautiful day on all of these worries, all of the anxieties. There seems to be 1000 different things that I can't do when in all actuality if I work on changing just one thing at a time eventually all of these little things won't be such a stress.
My prayer today is simple.
"Heavenly Father, lately I've prayed for strength, I've prayed for courage, I've prayed for miracles to happen. Father today I simply just pray for your love. It's within Your love that I feel so complete, so overwhelmed with acceptance and joy. It's also within Your love that I feel courage and confidence, strength beyond measures because I know I have You with me. My decisions lately have turned into gigantic waves of guilt and regret afterwards. Why does everything seem to come down to money Father? Why must we even have such an evil thing? No, today Father I ask for Your love so that I may see through Your amazing eyes; see myself, see others, see the opportunities that You've laid in front of me. Father I ask for you to humble me and guide me through the path You shall have me take. It is my prayer that with Your love I shall gladly give my burdens to You. I know in my heart that You can and You will provide for me. Father please just love me today, wrap Your strong arms around me so that I may be comforted by your protection. Father I am so thankful for the blessings You continue to give me, more thankful lately for the opportunities You have given me to spend time with You. I am sorry Father that I haven't taken some of those opportunities and that I have time and time again cowardly walked away, for which I ask forgiveness of. Father, You and only You know what's in my heart and You are the only one who truly knows what it is that I need. I ask for Your love and discernment for my path that You shall have me walk, when You shall have me walk it. In Your most awesome and Holy name I pray, amen."
I feel pressure to seek jobs but I do have a business of my own now. I feel a pressure to prove myself to others although their opinions shouldn't matter. I feel a pressure to be what others want me to be and suddenly all of these worries are starting to weigh me down.
Will this business succeed?
Will I get another job considering I quit Kirklands?
Will I do this, will I do that?
Can I even do anything?
It's such a shame to waste such a beautiful day on all of these worries, all of the anxieties. There seems to be 1000 different things that I can't do when in all actuality if I work on changing just one thing at a time eventually all of these little things won't be such a stress.
My prayer today is simple.
"Heavenly Father, lately I've prayed for strength, I've prayed for courage, I've prayed for miracles to happen. Father today I simply just pray for your love. It's within Your love that I feel so complete, so overwhelmed with acceptance and joy. It's also within Your love that I feel courage and confidence, strength beyond measures because I know I have You with me. My decisions lately have turned into gigantic waves of guilt and regret afterwards. Why does everything seem to come down to money Father? Why must we even have such an evil thing? No, today Father I ask for Your love so that I may see through Your amazing eyes; see myself, see others, see the opportunities that You've laid in front of me. Father I ask for you to humble me and guide me through the path You shall have me take. It is my prayer that with Your love I shall gladly give my burdens to You. I know in my heart that You can and You will provide for me. Father please just love me today, wrap Your strong arms around me so that I may be comforted by your protection. Father I am so thankful for the blessings You continue to give me, more thankful lately for the opportunities You have given me to spend time with You. I am sorry Father that I haven't taken some of those opportunities and that I have time and time again cowardly walked away, for which I ask forgiveness of. Father, You and only You know what's in my heart and You are the only one who truly knows what it is that I need. I ask for Your love and discernment for my path that You shall have me walk, when You shall have me walk it. In Your most awesome and Holy name I pray, amen."
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Faith is meaningless without the backbone of love and good works.
This past Sunday our preacher, Tony, taught us about the value of works in faith. It's not enough to believe in something and not work for it. The same is true with any job, any marriage, or any dream. If you want something and you believe that one day you'll have it, you have to realize that you will have to work towards it. Simple belief is not enough.
We know that faith also without love does not benefit either. How can you believe in something that you do not love? Or how can you love something you do not believe in? This we can see in 1 Corinthians 13:2 which reads, "And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."
I am nothing? My faith means nothing? As I read the words from James 2:24 & 26 I was struck with a chilling question. Have I been working, truly loving, believing, and working for Christ? In my heart I know the answer is 'no' because I know my capabilities. I know that I want, in my heart, to do so much more for Christ. I want to tell His story and my story but as just now learned that it's not enough to love, to believe without working.
"You see then that a man is justified by works, and not by faith only." -James 2:24
"For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also." -James 2:26
Sure, I've told my story and I've read the bible and I've worked with bible studies but if I ask myself to really take inventory to see if I've been truly working for Christ I have to admit to myself 'no'. You see, it's in my heart and both God and I know of my good intentions, but good intentions mean nothing without action. My faith does mean nothing without the backbone of love or the structure of good works.
This morning was an interesting display of how God works in our lives. Speaking of 'good works' since Tony's lesson on Sunday night and watching this really cute movie called "Letters To God" I've started to have an even bigger desire to get more involved in my community.
The movie was about a little boy who had cancer and how he inspired the lives of others; how he was a beakon of God's courage and strength. He wasn't just spiritual or faithful for his own situation, he was because he knew that God wanted him to be that for the people around him, his friends and family. At the end of the movie, when the credits start rolling, they start to show more pictures of kids and adults who have beaten cancer or touched the lives of their families and friends. It came to me that while their story was beautiful and true, not everyone in this world was called to have cancer in order to be a warrior for Christ. They are true survivors as are others. Isn't that what Christianity is? To be the strength that leads friends, family, and strangers to loving God, despite your own life? That perhaps it's because you have the life you've been given that you are to show Gods courage and love by using your own example?
So, as I sat in the shower still thinking about my life and their lives and how fortunate I have been but also how wasteful of my time. It was then that I really started to put ideas into my heart. Since then I've prayed about them and asked God for His help and guidance, for his courage to start something new, something different but I haven't let Him give me that courage.
For some reason I froze with fear yesterday when I was going to do something, DO some thing that would help me feel better about the legitamacy of my faith. I don't know why. Perhaps it was that I had isolated myself and was afraid to come out, afraid of everything I had imagined going wrong. So, when I got home I prayed about it again and asked forgiveness for allowing my fears to get the best of me.
One of the many attributes I love about God is that He always hears what's in my heart and if it's something He wants me to do He will let me know in His own way.
As I logged into my e-mail this morning I saw my daily encouraging word from our local Christian radio station. Everyday I read another scripture and for the past week it has been that one scripture that I just needed to hear and mediate on. This morning's encouraging scripture was James 2:17.
" So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless."
How Awesome is our God?
Has God done anything similar in your life? Let me hear about it.
We know that faith also without love does not benefit either. How can you believe in something that you do not love? Or how can you love something you do not believe in? This we can see in 1 Corinthians 13:2 which reads, "And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."
I am nothing? My faith means nothing? As I read the words from James 2:24 & 26 I was struck with a chilling question. Have I been working, truly loving, believing, and working for Christ? In my heart I know the answer is 'no' because I know my capabilities. I know that I want, in my heart, to do so much more for Christ. I want to tell His story and my story but as just now learned that it's not enough to love, to believe without working.
"You see then that a man is justified by works, and not by faith only." -James 2:24
"For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also." -James 2:26
Sure, I've told my story and I've read the bible and I've worked with bible studies but if I ask myself to really take inventory to see if I've been truly working for Christ I have to admit to myself 'no'. You see, it's in my heart and both God and I know of my good intentions, but good intentions mean nothing without action. My faith does mean nothing without the backbone of love or the structure of good works.
This morning was an interesting display of how God works in our lives. Speaking of 'good works' since Tony's lesson on Sunday night and watching this really cute movie called "Letters To God" I've started to have an even bigger desire to get more involved in my community.
The movie was about a little boy who had cancer and how he inspired the lives of others; how he was a beakon of God's courage and strength. He wasn't just spiritual or faithful for his own situation, he was because he knew that God wanted him to be that for the people around him, his friends and family. At the end of the movie, when the credits start rolling, they start to show more pictures of kids and adults who have beaten cancer or touched the lives of their families and friends. It came to me that while their story was beautiful and true, not everyone in this world was called to have cancer in order to be a warrior for Christ. They are true survivors as are others. Isn't that what Christianity is? To be the strength that leads friends, family, and strangers to loving God, despite your own life? That perhaps it's because you have the life you've been given that you are to show Gods courage and love by using your own example?
So, as I sat in the shower still thinking about my life and their lives and how fortunate I have been but also how wasteful of my time. It was then that I really started to put ideas into my heart. Since then I've prayed about them and asked God for His help and guidance, for his courage to start something new, something different but I haven't let Him give me that courage.
For some reason I froze with fear yesterday when I was going to do something, DO some thing that would help me feel better about the legitamacy of my faith. I don't know why. Perhaps it was that I had isolated myself and was afraid to come out, afraid of everything I had imagined going wrong. So, when I got home I prayed about it again and asked forgiveness for allowing my fears to get the best of me.
One of the many attributes I love about God is that He always hears what's in my heart and if it's something He wants me to do He will let me know in His own way.
As I logged into my e-mail this morning I saw my daily encouraging word from our local Christian radio station. Everyday I read another scripture and for the past week it has been that one scripture that I just needed to hear and mediate on. This morning's encouraging scripture was James 2:17.
" So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless."
How Awesome is our God?
Has God done anything similar in your life? Let me hear about it.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
"Re-birth"
The New Year usually comes with its fair share of resolutions. People always try to change their lives in some way, as if every year the beginning is much more significant than the end. Is it? Is starting something new more refreshin than doing something different each day, until "the end"? You have to wonder.
Even the people who mock others for trying to start their year "right" by going back to the gym, or trying to eat healthy, maybe even shopping less and saving more; even those people deep down feel the unnerving desire to change at least one thing about their lives.
At the start of my year I wanted to do something different, but not just a resolution which, c'mon, I'd stop doing within a few months of the new year, but a do-over. To somehow manipulate a re-birthing of ones' self intrigued me. The idea of doing something different everyday was more, and is more appetizing to me than saying I'll go to the gym everyday, or I'll eat healthier with every meal.
I guess as a person who struggles with holding herself accountable with the fear of failure in the long-run with just one slipup this new idea felt doable.
The unpredicatble state of living your life one way and then all of the sudden half-way through a feeling or an emotion, maybe even an action you change just one thing...is inspiring. You no longer know what tomorrow holds on paper. No lists telling you exactly what to do. It's all within my control to think about what I want to change, either big or small.
Say you have trouble with road rage. Well, what if when you're driving on the road and you start to feel that burn inside of you, that fury surfacing because the guy in front of you just cut you off without using his blinker...what if then, you tell yourself "No! This is my one thing I want to change today. I choose not to let that bother me." The ease of knowing you've completely your only meaningful task for the day. That's all you said you would do in the morning right?
"I will change just one thing today."
Seriously, you should try it. For me it has helped in so many ways that I could've ever imagined. I no longer feel burdened with a long list of chores to do. I know that they're there and that they "should" get done, but the one thing I'll worry about today is just changing one thing. I find myself focusing more on all aspects of the day, all of my actions and reactions; holding myself accountable for them. It makes praying and asking for forgiveness a lot easier because I already know when I've been too humble, too prideful, too afraid.
Just try it and see what happens. I'll bet you'll find yourself so inspired and so motivated that you'll find yourself not only changing just one thing, but you'll be changing by leaps and bounds without ever having to think about failing your New Year's resolution.
If you do, I want to know. Comment. Tell me what you changed and how you changed it. What have you got to lose?
Even the people who mock others for trying to start their year "right" by going back to the gym, or trying to eat healthy, maybe even shopping less and saving more; even those people deep down feel the unnerving desire to change at least one thing about their lives.
At the start of my year I wanted to do something different, but not just a resolution which, c'mon, I'd stop doing within a few months of the new year, but a do-over. To somehow manipulate a re-birthing of ones' self intrigued me. The idea of doing something different everyday was more, and is more appetizing to me than saying I'll go to the gym everyday, or I'll eat healthier with every meal.
I guess as a person who struggles with holding herself accountable with the fear of failure in the long-run with just one slipup this new idea felt doable.
The unpredicatble state of living your life one way and then all of the sudden half-way through a feeling or an emotion, maybe even an action you change just one thing...is inspiring. You no longer know what tomorrow holds on paper. No lists telling you exactly what to do. It's all within my control to think about what I want to change, either big or small.
Say you have trouble with road rage. Well, what if when you're driving on the road and you start to feel that burn inside of you, that fury surfacing because the guy in front of you just cut you off without using his blinker...what if then, you tell yourself "No! This is my one thing I want to change today. I choose not to let that bother me." The ease of knowing you've completely your only meaningful task for the day. That's all you said you would do in the morning right?
"I will change just one thing today."
Seriously, you should try it. For me it has helped in so many ways that I could've ever imagined. I no longer feel burdened with a long list of chores to do. I know that they're there and that they "should" get done, but the one thing I'll worry about today is just changing one thing. I find myself focusing more on all aspects of the day, all of my actions and reactions; holding myself accountable for them. It makes praying and asking for forgiveness a lot easier because I already know when I've been too humble, too prideful, too afraid.
Just try it and see what happens. I'll bet you'll find yourself so inspired and so motivated that you'll find yourself not only changing just one thing, but you'll be changing by leaps and bounds without ever having to think about failing your New Year's resolution.
If you do, I want to know. Comment. Tell me what you changed and how you changed it. What have you got to lose?
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