Nameless

I mentioned before how difficult it was to get into the beginning of Nicholas Sparks' novels and I'm struggling to find interest in A Bend In The Road for a few reasons.

#1. I'm pretty sure I've read the book already but at the same time I'm not sure if I've read the entire book so I'm wanting to just re-read it again. However, that's the second reason...

#2. I'm pretty sure I've read the book already and my brain is telling me "NO!"

Haha. Either way it doesn't matter because it's just a book and chances are I have read the book but my memory just doesn't want to work correctly. It's not very long so it shouldn't take me that long to read it and I'd like to get through all of Nicholas' books this year.

Here's what I really want to talk about. I really want to talk about the frustration I get when someone chooses to ignore me. I know that right now is a "difficult time" for my husband because he's feeling depressed and isn't quite sure how to look at life and our marriage any different, but...I'm not sure how to help him. I'm pretty sure that all I can do right now is leave him alone and hope he'll come back to me wanting me to help. That's a very difficult thing to do and there are a lot of parts of me that just doesn't want to do that.

It's so hard to tell yourself, move on when you feel selfish and horrible like you're leaving someone behind but unless you want to get sucked down the hole with them...you've got to let go. So...I'm going to try.

I can't get frustrated for being ignored when I know how that feeling is when all you want to do is sleep the entire day away because you're afraid of feeling horrible about yourself if you're forced to wake up and live the day. There's often a feeling of no point to going through the motions and everything feels ten times more powerful than before. Even the littlest of things like going to get food, or brushing your teeth seems like such a task you can't possibly begin to handle. That's why I don't like feeling like I'm leaving him behind however he's not letting me help encourage him either. I'm just really not sure what to do in this situation and as much as I'd like to take it to God, this time...I'm waiting to do that. I know that He's still right there at the center of my everything and yes I've made some bad decisions despite everything to keep me in this far enough away mood but He's still my everything and I'm trying to follow Him.

I don't know. It's weird to explain because I know and still believe everything about God and this marriage and the work He's done in us, in me, but I feel like I can't allow myself to go back just yet. Because when I go back I'm in that happy, ecstatic state where everything is blissful and irrational and the next thing I know...BOOM either a lie or something else knocks me off my rocker of joy and I'm just unwilling to do that right now.

#3. Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks

I am so happy to find out that the novel Safe Haven, written by my favorite Nicholas Sparks might be coming to theaters. I just finished this amazing book last night and have to admit was very surprised by the direction he took with this novel. This story was unlike any story he has written so far, but the emotion and amount of details painting each scene perfectly was still in the quality of his work.

This story was about a woman who finds herself in an almost unforgiveable circumstance who has to fight her way to a life she never thought she'd have. Without spoiling all the details in true Nicholas Sparks fashion it's a romance, however, this particular story was more about a woman starting over and trusting love, life, and luck all at the same time. Just when she thinks she's gotten far enough away from her husband, he finds her with a new identity and a family he never intended on giving her. She finds herself fighting back against her abuser to protect the only family she's ever known.

As always I found myself having trouble staying focused at the beginning of the book. For some reason Mr. Sparks likes to take his time leading up to the good stuff but as promised, he delivered BIG TIME! When you get to the second-to-last chapter I sat there reading with anticipation wanting to skip paragraphs and details just so I could get to the ending because it was just that good. I'm sure you won't be disappointed.

Such is life:
Don't judge the book by the cover and give everything a chance to meet your expectations!

50 books in 1 year

50 Books in 1 Year

#1. MANIC a memoir

by Terri Cheney

#2. Going In Circles

by Pamela Ribon

#3. Safe Haven

by Nicholas Sparks

#4. A Bend in the Road

by Nicholas Sparks

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The truth is I hate my husband.
The truth is I hate that I hate him.
The truth is I hate myself for being so naive and trusting, so desperate and weak to not look out for myself.
I know I'm just another prey for him to munch on and when the meats all gone and all that's left is the chewy fat resting on bone he'll finish and leave to die just like the rest of them only...I won't die.
I may not have the meat that was juicy as before and my fat and bones might be covered with dirt from nonmovement for so long but the difference will be I'll be the one feasting for years when eventually your prey will run out.

The truth is I want to leave my husband, or rather the person he refuses to change.
So many times he plays dumb asking what I mean when I say that very sentence, but if he really truly allowed himself to be vulnerable long enough so that God could reach in and shake him, he'd know and he'd break down with embarassment again. I'm angry because I don't understand his kind or mine. I despise the women who sit there on the floor crying while their husbands tear them down inside, making them hate themselves even more. Deep down I despise them because that is me and I hate that I'm not strong enough to walk away. The question I have is will my God forgive me if I did? Is that what it truly takes for my husband to find his faith just like history in his family?

He's not a bad person and I'm supposed to love him because he's God's creation but I do hate him. I hate what he does to me and the oblivious nature he carries for someone he "has". The truth is that at times I want to fall unto the depression again, turn my back on God and all the gifts He's provided for me to stay afloat. How easy it would be to trip just once, to slip up causing all those demons to tug and pull at me. At that very thought I invision skinned creatures from the underworld crowded beneath me with their dirty, scathed arms pulling at my own. It doesn't take must to pull me under because I'm ready and willing to give up in this vision.

I know that no amount of numbers notecards could ever make a dent and no amount of kisses or "I love you's" or even prayers could make a difference which is why I always come to the conclusion that the only time it has ever made a dent was when he was forced to be alone, dealing with himself long enough for Christ to crowd his space. But again, the notion comes in that he would soon just mimick this relationship with another, not for lack of love for me but rather lack of love for himself.

Am I doomed to this awful hurtful life? No it's not physically abusive like it used to be but aren't internal wounds much more tedious to heal? There's no bandage that will cover a broken heart except for Christ, which then comes back to the question of forgiveness. Will my God forgive me?

Life was so much easier, or at least becoming manageable and hopeful with the acceptance that this life was over. A blessing in disguise really. Am I bad wife or do I not truly love him if I carry these feelings? Everyday is a battle, a struggle for me to just want to touch his hands or to see his face, a face I often find myself wanting to scrape across with my fist. I find myself fighting revenge as to somehow find justification for every person he made to think I was in the wrong, for every person he convinced I was the bad person when everything in this relationship has changed except for him and still the problems occur.

I know now that there is no hope in showing him and there is only a hope that on that day I leave or die, he'll finally get it. Until then is this my mission Oh God? To live a life, a marriage without fullness or joy or even to know what unconditional love is, to not see my husband walk in your light? Why then did You show me what he could be if I believed? Why then did You allow him to perceive his identity as something else and unveil the truth after I made that promise.

Not ever have I lied about who I am or how I work and still I have no clue who this person is at heart. I do wonder if he would be capable in the latter years to kill without disregard or emotion. Does he?

Why did you give me this life, or allow me to choose this life for myself? Was it to show me the error of my ways because I swear if I knew what I knew now I would say 'no' when he asked if I would date him. I would choose myself instead.

Will he ever find You? Does he even want to? How am I to be married to this man whom I hate, and still love him, care for him, forgive him? How am I to be expected to live each day greatful for this life when all I want is a new one, a new husband or at least the husband I know he could be. Is it possible to believe and have hope but not get your hopes up?

I don't want to carry this rock anymore simply because I'm nothing. I am nothing because of this man and the funny part is he wouldn't even know it.

Future novelist

I think I'll write a book.

No one ever said that writing a book had to be published to be great, of course that would be the public standard huh?

Isn't it interesting that anything could really be published these days but yet people are so afraid of the judgement that they shy away from telling their story.

I'd like to write a book and it used to be writing to help others, to paint a better name for myself, to just make money and have fun writing. Now, I want to write a book to heal old wounds. I want to see the words on the page, just like a journal or a letter, accept it as truth and be in a place where I can then say "okay", put down the book, close the chapter, and move on.

I wonder if in life I have a greater purpose and I end up spending more time wondering than actually doing. Even if it sucks, I'll heal because it's a learning process just like life and I feel like once you've figured out how to survive life in a healthy way...nothing will ever stop or slow you down.

The biggest obstacle I have is wanting to walk away from my husband. Of course I love him more than any other person in my life at this moment but I do fight the urge to see how much better, how much easier, how much growth and health would come without him. Of course when I'm not stuck in my emotions I realize that walking away would be the equivalent to leaving a wounded man behind in battle and for me, personally, I just wouldn't want to live with that.

Like anything else I would learn to forgive myself for it and I think that's the biggest difference between me and some others who have walked away is because I know I would be hurt, ashamed, embarassed at times but overall it's like every other decision made in my life meant to be accepted as either good or bad, right or wrong.

I won't leave my husband not because I can't, not because I love him too much, not because I'm afraid I'll never love again or that someone could ever love me again, and surely not because of loneliness. I won't leave my husband because this is not my life and this is not the hand I would've dealt myself. This life isn't about me or what I want for myself or how I want my life to go. This life is about learning how to readjust myself to fit the needs of my God and to me that is the only reason I keep choosing every day that I am reminded of how sad and lonely it can be even with my husband, because I know that this is not my life.

I know that my God would forgive me if I ever chose to leave and He would understand if I felt like I was at the end of my rope with nowhere to go, but I know that there is always more rope even when it seems there isn't and that there will always be the hope of what joys He will bring should I choose freely to abide in Him. I'm not trapped into my decision like I once argued, I am open and free to make whatever choice I want to make but I must always remember that this is not my life and who am I to say how it's supposed to run?

This is what I want my book to be about. What I have physically, emotionally, spiritually survived is easily equivalent to physical pain or injury or sickness. When I hear about stories of children with cancer, men who lost their legs in war, or women who overcame rape and abuse I equate my own struggles with theirs. Most will say how dare I say it's the same but we are all human and we are all capable of the same feelings no matter what circumstances we are in. Sometimes all it take to feel depression is the thought that you're not good enough and sometimes for others it's physical abuse from a parent or stranger who raped you in an alleyway.

So, I'll write because I have the ability to and I'll enjoy every minute of my day because it was made for me, just me.

Fact is Fact.

How do I know I made the right decision? Because the man doesn't care about my worries. He cares about having a third person paying the rent. Here's the facts.

1. We aren't "strong enough" to renew our vows but yet he wants to move in together.
2. We don't get along even if staying together for a week at a time and yet he's convinced we would be good living together.
3. He has to "think about" me staying the night but yet he wants to sleep together for the rest of our lives.
4. Recently when I asked him if he would re-marry me he lied to me about it but yet he says we're strong enough to live and trust one another again.

In my "expert" opinion, this man has confused what is from will be. We will be in a position in the future and I think the reason he has grown more frustrated is for perhaps the first time I have said "no" to a proposition followed by extensive fibs to sweeten the deal. I am proud of myself and where I will be because at the end of it, I will know exactly how to say "no" when it happens again.

I just think that the logics of what is fact is humorous and ironic considering the man who perceives it incorrectly considers himself in deed logical. Fact is fact.

Sheer coincidence?

So...if you know anything about mine and my husband's story, backgrounds and all you would know that every single fear I've ever had in my life, in my marriage has come true.

Sometimes my curiousity really gets the best of me and I do something that I always regret later. In a way I regret it, however, don't because it sparks something inside me to raise to a challenge that doesn't even exist. At first this challenge did exist and I catered to it's every whim simply because I wasn't confident enough to stand up for who I was/am as a woman. In fact it's taken several months, years even for me to even feel as if I were a "real" woman.

I think that confidence in who you are isn't necessarily the packaged deal because you can be confident in what you have to offer but at the same time not confident about what you are or what you stand for. The unique qualities about all of us are so much easier to accept than the simple facts of merely being a woman versus a teenager versus an adolescent. Call it what you will, albeit the way I was raised by my father living states away from my mother, or whatever but it didn't change the fact that I still wasn't confident that I was a real woman.

I guess somewhere I got lost in my own mind not knowing that I was, or could be and thus all of my thoughts fed fears and caused so much pain for myself because of my lack of confidence in being more than just an adolescent.

Just now I had one of those moments where I did something I regret but kind've don't. I smile or smirk sometimes and laugh to myself inside when I think about the "if" of Amanda Cowan. Her name is Amanda Cowan Baker now but as my husband knows her she will forever be Amanda Cowan, the one that got away. To me, and perhaps only me, she isn't and will never be 'the one'. At first, especially when she started becoming a part of our lives again I truly didn't want to believe this fact and I really did think that perhaps I was some sort of substitute for his previous girlfriend Lexi and Amanda. It was really hard to stomach possibly meeting her and being "friends" with her when it became evident that their long-term friendship, one that I "could never understand" became more important than our marriage. It became excruciatingly painful when I found out that my husband felt more comfort in talking to her about our marital problems instead of me so that we could find a solution together. I felt so cheated.

Anyways, I won't rehash the past but all I can say is that I am 'the one' because any other 'one' would've left a long time ago and if I did leave...it would've been that moment of desperation for self existence knowing that I had escaped your grasp finally leaving you forever.

I just laugh at the coincidences that are provided just to prick those fears within me. The shocking similarities to the women that he has previously dated before me is so weird. For instance, Amanda, or Mandy as he knew her. She is very strong-willed because she had to face losing her mother in highschool to cancer, she's joined the army and ran a marathon. I've wanted to run a marathon and she's already done it while living in Hawaii where she graduated from massage therapy school, to which my husband would benefit completely considering his extensive back problems. She also paints and draws tattoos and now in her free time between being superwoman and fixing up her house while her husband is in the army and raising three children she also draws tattoos for people and studies to become a veterinarian tech. She runs about 7 miles a day and to my fears is the perfect model of what he would want for a wife. She's strong minded and opinionated which is the one evidence I see to them never truly being a fit for each other because she would not put up with my husband's bullshit, but then again I allow myself to believe that she still is the perfect image of what he never knew he always wanted. Perhaps her confidence and strong will would've been beneficial to his short comings, but we'll never know because that ship sailed several years ago.

What's sad is that there is a possibility that if things worked out differently, and if he wouldn't have abandoned her and joined the Marines only to be medically discharged later on, that they would be together. The sadness comes in knowing that I would've gotten the boot without him ever truly admitting to how wonderful I am. Perhaps he'll never see that like he did that short period of time.

Then you have Krissy, or as she prefers Kristeena. She's the "free-spirited" woman that captivated his liking with her flirtaious and curvacious body and confidence. I now am forced to live with her as a friend in my life, which she is a wonderful person, but there still is that undeniable elephant that she has slept with my husband and he has again talked with her openly about our marriage instead of me. She also has the ability to cook home-cooked meals which is something no doubt my husband would love considering his mom loves to cook and would always make meals when they were children. She has large breasts which has always been something he has liked. She is adventurous sexually and no doubt probably the best he's ever had although he's admitted that I was. She also paints and is crafty.

The uncanny coincidences that continue to appear are frustrating but a challenge none-the-less. I have had to battle each one of his skeletons and at times I feel like I'll never win, but the truth is with or without my husband...I have won because it doesn't matter who he ends up with as long as I stay true to who I am. If it were to be that he and I were never meant to be together forever and he did end up with the perfect blend of all of us combined, I would be hurt for a while, rejected, but I would know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a man out there that will not require me to be challenged by his past every day of my life and to constantly doubt, or combat every coincidence that arises.

This is a simple lesson to which has taken me years to suggest, digest, and perfect to which I may never perfect...but strive to everyday.

Just a little sneeze...

I have to admit that today I'm a little sad. I'm not completely sure why though. Ever feel like your emotions are something that is so completely different from your brain? Like somehow they're a virus that you take a whiff of and then sneeze it out after it tickles your nose. It took me a long time to realize how to even get rid of unwanted, or damaging feelings, but I'd be lying if I said it's still a constant battle not to live inside of them rather than they inside of you.

Haha, when I think about that very fact I get this image in my mind of a person jumping into a tiny cup, circus style where they jump from a large platform into a horrifically small cup and somehow they fit perfectly. So, thinking about that makes me laugh because it's impossible to do, so it helps gain perspective that's what I'm trying to do when I'm feeling down or depressed.

Perhaps maybe it's the sunshine that has left the skies today, but then again I knew it would be rainy this weekend. Perhaps it's because I told Steve that we wouldn't be living together and I don't want him to be mad at me, or ignore me, or pull away from me. The hardest part is knowing and responding to his reactions, justly. I know that when I moved out and into this apartment it was really hard for him and it was extremely hard for me to muster up the guts to go through with it but I'm glad that I did because I don't know if we'd still be together had I not done that. I didn't understand why he didn't choose me and it was really hard to understand his actions, or his feelings and perhaps you could say that I'm also a little sad because I know that we are so very similar and that I need to work on my actions and reactions as well.

I want to be as patient and kind as I was that day we sat together in church for the first time after three or four months of barely recognizing that either one of us existed. I know that God has helped me find patience but I know that I need to learn more and I know that it's going to take so much more from me. A part of me is ready and willing, but there is always another part of me that really doesn't know if I'm capable of doing anything more until I'm sitting there looking back and realizing how proud I should've been of the work He was doing inside of me and how much I had gained.

Maybe I'm a little sad because I was really looking forward to living with my husband again and I know he'll be really hurt and upset by that and I'll have to stand by my decision recognizing if it's right or wrong when it comes and not taking into consideration what anyone else says. I know that I have to be confident that I made the decision but not conceited or controlling or too prideful to admit that I was wrong. I have to make these decisions in order to grow and I really feel like we aren't ready to live together and to be quite honest I knew that inside the only positive was that I we would save money. That shouldn't be the positive that I look for. It should be I love him and I've missed him so much that now we get to wake up together again, and come home and see each other there. So, I know that I'm not ready yet as crappy and as frustrating as that is.

As I'm typing I'm not feeling as frustrated about my decision or as sad as before. I'm happy for all the wonderful opportunities happening around me but I would also be lying if I said I wasn't sure what God wanted me to do. I know that there would be some great opportunities if Kim and I moved to Columbia and it would really force me to change, or it might force me into depression much like an animal when their owner goes off to work.

Which reminds me of Laura-kitty. I worry about her but at the same time I know that God directed her to me, but I'm not certain she'll be outside, or is outside and I feel so horrible allowing her to stay outside. This past week I haven't looked for her and it makes me feel like I'm just letting her suffer and selfishly continuing on with my life. I don't want to use God as an excuse and say "I'm just trusting God", which yes, I am, or trying to. But at the same time I know that I could do more and I'm not. Why? I wish I could just go right into those woods and search around. At least that would make me feel a heck of a lot better and not that she's just bundled up under some bush somewhere freezing from the wind and rain that's coming our way, or sweating to death from the 83% humidity we've been having lately.

I keep telling myself to just stay close to God and keep going. I feel like I've slipped just a little bit here in this past week or so, which makes me question my decisions although I know I've kept Him close to my heart and consulted Him.

All I can do is take my own advice and trust that God is leading me and that He will show me where I am wrong. I have faith that He will humble me as He has before. My only prayer today is for my husband and my Laura-kitty. I pray that they are safe and as I let go and let God I pray that they know just how much I love them and how much I wish they were always in my life. I pray for Laura-kitty to find a home where she can be loved as much as I've loved her, and more. I pray that Steve can find his faith, strong, but not forget how much I love him and want to be with him forever.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to have a place where I can come and just let it out.

Frustrating!

So much for not going backwards huh? I'm so tired of doing so well and getting into a groove and then being knocked down and going backwards about five feet. It's so frustrating, especially because mentally I'm trying so hard to handle everything. Maybe I'm not as strong as I think I am. I just want to do something different, to just do it! To be there already and to stop having things happen that make me want to quit. Can't I just have enough time to find a rythm and it becomes a habit before I'm challenged? So frustrating!

April 6th

I'm so desperate today for change. I don't want to be afraid anymore, or controlled, or allow my emotions to get out of control. I am better than what I was and because of that I can walk away from things that need to be walked away from. I can't allow myself to be sucked in anymore, no matter who it is. Because it's like the song goes..."if that's what love is, it costs too much". This morning I just want to pray. "Oh Heavenly Father. Father of everything, every creature, every creation in this life. You are truly amazing to all of us and most of us, including me, take that forgranted more so than not. All I ask of You today is to search my heart, search my soul and apply the lessons to my life that will make me as strong as You need me to be. I pray this special prayer in Your holy name, amen."

Afternoon prayer

"Father, please help me stay calm and focused. I don't want to allow satan to get in through frustration or anger. I'm worried about money. Please take those worries from me. I gladly, desperately give them to you. Father, I am so very thankful and grateful for all the blessings that you have continued to give me, knowing that I don't deserve them. The gift of life, of love, of happiness and often I neglect each little blessing. Father, thank you. Thank you for entrusting me with all that You have. In your most precious, Heavenly name, amen."

And the test begins...

In my heart I can hear God asking me "How much do you love me? How much do you care? How much....?" My answer to Him will always be...I love you more, I love you this much, I can for You! It's hard. Father, it's very hard during these moments. Selfishly all I want is for my strong, willing husband to stand up and be encouraging and most importantly there. So many days were spent crying before because all of those childhood fears wouldn't allow me enough time to clear my head, take control over my emotions, and look at the facts. The facts are that my husband wants to be everything for me but he truly doesn't know how. My husband loves me more than anything but he's unsure how to love himself and God fully. My husband is lost in a world that is dark and scary for him and he's doing everything he can to survive in it. He's found ways to survive but they're unhealthy. He's scared to try new ways that may not work. He's lost and I don't know how to reach him. It's hard in moments like these because it's easy for me to be everything I'm naturally drawn to do. Cry. Get emotional and depressed. Make it all about me that he doesn't love me and he doesn't care for me. I know that those are fears that satan is diligently trying to use against me. If I fall too much he'll grab me and not let go. I can't allow myself to fall for his tricks like I already have. I've realized that because of these facts my own expectations and wishes of this wonderful marriage and all that it can be is on the line. Have I made things worse for him or better? Have I pushed him to cower in his shell or to stand a fight? Perhaps I've done both. I know that now my best role is to stay as close to him spiritually as I can but to stay far enough away so that I too do not get sucked into the hole. I need to touch him and encourage his senses with love and kindness and faith. I need to be so much stronger because God is calling me to be. It's easy to selfishly want to say "he doesn't do it for me" and I've used that in my time or two, but it's much bigger than that imature notion. My husband needs me to be the best version of myself so that I can be the vessel through which God reaches him. I need to be in the shadows of his mind distracting the devil from his whip on my husband. It's my courage and my faith, my strength and my will that is being questioned by God. Will I rise? Or will I fall? It's not easy to do the work but it's easy to come to the answer. If I love my husband and I love my God than I will walk through fire, swim every ocean, climb every mountain to find a way back to him and when my husband is tired and weary from walking and running I will be his strength and courage. I will be his feet and as long as I am able I will carry his weight, almost three times as much as me. Why? Because my God carried it for me and my God forgave me for all of my own sins and if I love them both...I will do it willingly, with no hesitation because love conquors all. I know that I will not carry the weight on his shoulders because that is not mine to carry, but I will try to the best of my human abilities because my husband needs me to be and everything in my life that has happened has brought me, has molded me, has made me as strong today as I have to be to put myself aside, to put my marriage aside as hard and depressing as it can be. But I have to temporarily so that he can focus on himself, his faith, his self-esteem, his decisions, his life. Because truly we are fine, our marriage is wonderful but it's the us as individuals who need the work. May I take this opportunity to allow myself to continue to grow, but not put my life on hold or the expectations that I have for myself but may I find a way to grow without leaving him behind. I cannot give up on myself or the work I must do to feel whole as well. There's still alot to be done with me and I pray that God will help me keep my focus on the bigger picture and nothing else.

Unexpected

"Father, where do we go from here?"

TLC

Just a little bit of tender, love, and care for the soul tonight. Tonight I just wanted to spend a little time with me, with my mind, with my thoughts and feelings. When I started this blog deep down it was with the intention of having people read it, especially my husband. I wanted him to really see and understand how I work, how I think, etc. I want that sort of connection with him that I think I share for him. Maybe in his own way he does. Tonight I found myself minutes from writing him yet another e-mail explaining exactly how I felt and again I had that expectation that this time would be different and that some how this e-mail would hold magic and fairy dust so that when he clicked open he would instantly be able to think and interpret differently; at least the way that I wanted him to. I'm glad that my Father stopped me because it was another emotional plea made in desperation for love and understanding from my husband. I know that he loves me but he's not quite to the point of understanding me or even himself yet. I know how frustrating it is for me and I can only imagine how frustrating and discouraging it must be for him. While it's understandable and relatable, it's not an excuse and he does have all the tools necessary to help himself and me. So my question for God lately has been why hasn't he chosen to use them? Is it because I'm not encouraging him enough or is it because he's not hearing the encouragement but rather everything negative. I pray and pray for his self-esteem and yet it seems like nothing happens, that we get nowhere. It's very easy for me to think when I get down and lose my hope that there will never be a moment of change again, that there will never be that confidence he once had. I'm afraid that being around him enables his ways and that often perhaps if I found a way to still be married to him, fullfilling my duty and vows to my husband and Christ, but at the same time been away from him long enough for him to start being more self-sufficient...if only it were that easy. I pray to God to help me understand how to handle the situation and I feel so defeated, alone, and frustrated most of the time because it feels like we just go around and around on that circle again. I know that God is capable of changing his heart but could his heart be too stubborn for God's work? What's frustrating to me the most is that he doesn't understand that his attitude and personality flaws are damaging this relationship, as mine are when I allow them to as well. It's not just a game where we argue and I give in. How can I make it apparent that I mean business and that I do want to be around him but if he refuses to fix those damaging ways than it's no longer healthy for me to be around him. Perhaps if I say, "remember when I used to throw things and hit? What if I still did those things when I get upset at you but you've changed a lot of things about you and you just can't tolerate it anymore but yet you've promised you wouldn't leave. What would you do? How would you respond?" I would like to think that a simple explanation or analogy would help example my cause, but it wouldn't. I know that the best thing I can do is pray about it. I can continue focusing on my life, disregarding my own fears, and being that bigger person for the both of us. At times I have not enough energy to keep myself positive let alone him. I wish one day he would just understand how hurtful his pessimism and rain cloud mindset affects the people around him. "Father, tonight I beg you to hear my heart's sobs! I sob for my husband's heart to be full! To be free! To be healed and confident! I pray for miracles even if I'm out of place!" ...it will simply just be one rock at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time....

Prayer

"Father I'm coming to you this morning with a concerned heart. I'm concerned that Steve is just coasting by. I'm not sure how to respond to him, how to encourage him, how to uplift him. It feels like everything I say, every tired emotion I feel goes into making him feel even worse. I ask so much for your help. I ask for your help for him, to take him under your wing and hold him accountable. I ask for you to help me find words, patience, and most importantly an outlet for my emotions. So much of being his partner is tiring and I find myself depressed with being with him a lot of the times just simply because I feel so helpless around him. Nothing I say ever makes a difference and right or wrong I want to quit most of the time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't or aren't being a good enough helpmate. Or am I? I have no clue what I'm doing and I need your help. Father, give him what he needs but allow him the attitude to see it. He was changing his faith, answering questions before and perhaps moving from his family wouldn't be a bad thing because it would force him to stand alone, without someone as a buffer, someone to be that crutch for him. Father, help him find his bottom so he'll finally climb back up on his own. I ask, I beg for your help in ways I can't even find words to ask for. Search my own heart to fill the holes and cracks so that I may be strong for him. Father, tack his heart, the walls he's built. In your most precious, heavenly, able name I pray, amen."

"Go" Diet 3-20-2011

Lunch (1:30 pm)

Chicken Salad Lettuce Wraps w/purple grapes

(using low-fat plain yogurt instead of mayo)

Snack (3:30 pm)

Fresh Gala Apple & 3 Pitted Prunes

I did actually learn alot from this morning's L.E.A.N. class, but I think one of the most important lessons that I learned was this...for every minute I spend watching television and sitting down doing nothing, I should then exercise for the same amount of time. I think that's a really good thought because I spend a lot of time watching television online and most of the shows are anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes long so that means that either I need to be cleaning or doing exercises while I'm watching the show, or when I'm done, I need to go for a walk/jog. I like that idea or thought to think about because it really puts it into perspective how much time is being spent just doing nothing and it will allow me to maintain a healthy schedule for both relaxing and exercising.

no direction...

I've lost my place today and I can feel the pressure of not being able to move pretty soon. Paralyzed from the money situation.

"Father, lead me to the place where I need to be. Work. School. Hobby."

frustrated.

"Father, today I feel so grouchy. I feel so irritated and I'm not quite sure what it's from or why it's happening now. All I know is that I know that I'm sort've doing what I always do during times like this and that's pulling away. I don't want to, but it always seems to happen. So right now, today, this moment I'm going to push back and I wanna fight gravity. I know that's where I need to be, right beside you and for that little bit of time yesterday I know that I wasn't. I'm sorry for that. What I did was stupid and we both know it didn't benefit anyone, not even the seemingly relaxed moment. I know that I asked for forgiveness from You but I want to ask again. I don't deserve a Father like You. I know Your love is endless for me and I'm glad for moments of weakness because they're becoming few and far between but when they happen now it's just a simple 'why the heck did you do that? you knew it was dumb to do'. I'm sorry.

Father, it's hard to explain but you know how it ususally takes few days to set in when someone I love goes missing or isn't in the picture anymore. That's how I'm starting to feel right now. It's like there's this cosmic pull in a completely different direction where something has shifted its regularity. I know it's because of Kim's absence and I'm thankful but also sad. I'm thankful for this situation and these feelings because it tells me just how much she means to me, and how much of a part she plays in my own spiritual life, but I'm sad because she's still missing. I know it's temporary and everything will be planned by You and that I can trust she won't leave You forever.

Father, my prayer today is to ask for what I need and not what I want but I'm not sure what that is. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say or how I'm supposed to act or react. I know that my mild anger and frustration and worry isn't what needs to happen so I know that is something I can ask for. Father, please take it from my hands. I gladly give this worry to you and the frustration of things I cannot control. I'm frustrated because I feel like the church we are in is endless disappointment to those who actually try to make baby steps to make that happen and I feel like everyone has the same notion that if you're young you can't possible have a part in God's wisdom and knowledge like the elders do. Why can't they realize that what they're doing is actually allowing the eager bodies like me to feel discouraged because we can't shine. I'm frustrated because there are other people who take control and over power us and I do not like that at all.

Father, I just ask that You search my heart this morning, fill the cracks in my day so that I may come back and have a good day regardless. I pray all this in Your wonderful, magnificent name, amen."

"Soar on wings like eagles." -Isaiah 40:31

Have you ever stood at the top of a large rock and felt how big you were? How you climbed to the highest limb you could possibly reach? The sun's on your face and suddenly you feel like you're closer to it than if you were merely standing on solid ground. You spread your arms like wings and caress the wind as it floats past you; the light breeze becomes a cooling breathe of fresh air as you close your eyes. Breath in. Out.

There's a moment, a split second where I always imagine myself flying away. Perhaps that's why I love wings so much because in that moment I am a bird, free to fly anywhere I want, without worry of failed flight or attachment to anything. When I think about my faith I think it's just like that moment. Where you open your arms and let the wind power past your body as if you become part of it and the only thing holding you from whisping away is the confrontation of your feet touching the ground.

It's where you close your eyes and breath in and out; on the exhale feeling every threat leaving your body and into God's hands. In that moment it's a connection between my Father and I but He's not asking me to let go, I gladly do it on my own.

I know that when I am in a tough situation I can always count on this visualization to help me get through and often I find myself closing my eyes and breathing anyway. My faith is fearless because I know that at the top of that jagged rock or the tallest of trees...if my Father said "Now jump", I wouldn't hesitate.

Instead, I would soar.

Classic Case of Confidence

"Just as under-confidence comes with its list of symptoms, the same is true of confidence. A confident person feels safe. She believes [they are] loved, valuable, cared for, and safe in God's will for [them]. When we feel safe and secure, it's easy to step out and try new things. During the intial construction on the Golden Gate Bridge, no safety devices were used and twenty-three men fell to their deaths. For the final part of the project, however, a large net was used as a safety precaution. At least then men fell into it and were saved from certain death. Even more interesting, however, is the fact that 25% more work was accomplished after the net was installed. Why? Because the men had the assurance of their safety, and they were free to wholeheartedly serve the project.

When people feel safe, they are free to take a chance on failing in order to try to succeed. When we know we are loved for ourselves and not just our accomplishments or performance. we no longer need to fear failure. We realize that failing at something does not make us a failure at everything. We are free to explore and find out what we are best suited for. We are free to find our own niche in life, which is not possible without stepping out and finding out. Trial and error is the road to success, and you can't drive that road as long as your car is parked. So get moving, and God will direct you. When people are confident, they try things, and they keep trying until they find a way to be a successful in what God has called them to do.

Sure, life can sometimes make us feel like we're in over our heads, but the reality is that, without God, we're always in over our heads.

For example, a little three-year-old girl felt secure in her father's arms as Dad stood in the middle of a swimming pool. But Dad, for fun, began walking slowly toward the deep end, gently chanting "Deeper and deeper and deeper," as the water rose higher and higher on the child. The girl's face registered increasing degress of panic, as she held all the more tightly to her father, who, of course, easily touched the bottom. Had the little girl been able to analyze her situation, she'd have realized there was no reason for her increasing fear. The water's depth in ANY part of the pool was over her head. For her, safety anywhere in that pool depended on Dad.

At various points in our lives, all of us feel we're getting "out of our depth" or "in over our heads". There are problems all around: A job is lost, someone dies, there is strife in the family, or a bad report comes from the doctor. When these things happen, our temptation is to panic, because we feel we've lost control. But think about it-just like the child in the pool, the truth is we've never been in control when it comes to life's most crucial elements. We've always been held up by the grace of God, our Father, and that won't change. God is never out of His depth, and therefore we're as safe when we're in life's "deep end" as we were in the kiddie pool."

Confidence Deficiency

"Under-confidence is a condition; it might even be considered a sickness. And just like many other sicknesses, under-confidence is caused by a deficiency of one thing (confidence) and too much of another-in this case-fear. I refer to fear as an emotional virus because it begins as a thought in your head, then affects your emotions and behaviors-just like a flu virus might invade your body via a handshake or a sneeze and then make you feel miserable all over.

Fear is a dangerous virus, because a fearful person has no confidence and can never reach her potential in life. She won't step out of her comfort zone to do anything-especially something new or different. Fear is a cruel ruler, and its subjects live in constant torment.

It breaks my heart when I see people living fearfully, because without confidence, people can never know and experience true joy. The Holy Spirit of God Himself is grieved, because He has been sent into our lives to help us fulfill our God-ordained destinies. But you can't seek out your destiny when you've let fear slam and lock the door of your life. Instead, you cower behind the door, filled with self-hatred, condemnation, fear of rejection, fear of failure, and fear of others.

Many victims of fear end p being people-pleasers, prone to being controlled and manipulated by others. They give up the right to be themselves and usually spend their lives trying to be what they think they ought to be in someone else's eyes.

Sadly , when we try to be something or someone we are not intended to be, we stifle ourselves and God's power in us. When we have confidence, we can reach truly amazing heights; without confidence, even simple accomplishments are beyond our grasp.

Now, you might have read the preceding paragraph-about "amazing heights," and thought to yourself, Yeah right, Joyce. I'm not able to do anything amazing. (And I'm scared of heights too.) Don't despair if you have thoughts like this. Throughout history, God has used ordinary people to do amazing, extraordinary things. Yet, all of them had to take a step of faith first. They had to confidently press forward into the unknown or unfamiliar before making any progress. They had to believe they could do what they were attempting to do. "Achieve" come before "Believe" in the dictionary, but the order is switched in real life.

It's important to note that, in many cases, successful people have tried many times and failed before they ultimately succeeded. They not only had to begin with confidence, they had to remain confident when every circumstance seemed to shout at them, "Failure! Failure! Failure!"

Consider inventor Thomas Edison. He once said, "I speak without exaggeration when I say that I have constructed three thousand different theories in connection with the electric light, each one of them reasonable and apparently likely to be true. Yet in two cases only did my experiments prove the truth of my theory."

That means that Edison developed 2,998 failed theories en route to arriving at success. In fact, the true story of the light bulb is a long, tedious tale of repeated trial and error. Imagine how Edison must have felt as the failures piled up by the dozens, then the hundreds, then the thousands. Yet, through it all, he kept pressing forward. He believed in his bright idea, so he didn't lose his determination.

Just because ordinary people take steps to accomplish extraordinary things does not mean they do not feel fear. I believe the Old Testament hero Esther felt fear when she was asked to leaver her familiar, comfortable life and enter the king's harem so she could be used by God to save her nation. I believe Joshue felt fear when, after Moses died, he was given the job of taking the Israelites into the Promised Land. I know I had fear when God called me to quit my job and prepare for ministry. I still remember my skees shaking and my legs feeling so weak that I thought I would fall down. I remember the fear I felt then, but it frightens me more now to think of how my life would have turned out had I not faced the fear and pressed forward to do God's will. Fear does not mean you are a coward. It only means that you need to be willing to feel the fear and do what you need to do anyway.

If I would have let the fear I felt stop me, where would I be today? What would I be doing? Woudl I be happy and fulfilled? Woudl I be writting a book right now on being a confident woman-or would I be sitting at home, depressed and wondering why my life had been such a disappointment? I believe a lot of unhappy people are individuals who have let fear rule their lives.

How about you, my dear reader? Are you doing what you really believe you should be doing at this stage in your life, or have you allowed fear and a lack of confidence to prevent you from stepping out into new things-or higher levels of old things? If you don't like your answer, then let me give you some good news: It is never too late to begin again! Don't spend one more day living a narrow life that has room for only you and your fears. Make a decision right now that you will learn to live boldly, aggressively, and confidently. Don't let fear rule you any longer.

It's important to note that you can't just sit around and wait for fear to go away. You will have to feel the fear and take action anyway. Or, as John Wayne put it, "Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway." In other words, courage is not the absence of fear; it is action in the presence of fear. Bold peopel do what they know they should do-not what they feel like doing.

As I write these words, I feel very excited for you. I truly believe this book will be life-changing for many of you who read it. It may be a good reminder for some of you, but for others it will help you step out onto the path of your true life. The life that has been waiting for you since the beginning of time-and the one you may have been missing due to fear and intimidation. Satan is the master of intimidation, but once you realize that he is the one behind all your hesitation, you can take authority over him by simply placing confidence in Jesus Christ and stepping out boldly to be all you can be. God told Joshua, "Fear not, for I am with you." He is sending you that same message today: FEAR NOT! God is with you, and He will never leave you, nor forsake you.

Abraham was told, "God is with you in all that you do" (Genesis 21:22). That sounds like large living to me. Are you ready for a larger life, one that leaves you feeling satisfied and fulfilled? I believe you are, and I want to do everything I can to help you on your journey.

I know what it is like to live in fear. Fear can actually make you sick to your stomach. It can make you so tense and nervous that everyone around you notices that something is wrong; it's that evident in your facial expressions and your body language. What's more, just as confidence is contagious, so is the lack of self-confidence. When we possess no inner confidence, no one else has confidence in us either. Imagine a timid, cowering basketball player, standing in the corner of the court with her arms wrapped around herself. Is anyone going to pass her the ball? Is anybody going to call out plays to her?

When we think people are rejecting us, we feel hurt by them. The basketball player in the example above might think that her teammates hate her or have something against her. But, for fearful, under-confident people, the root of the problem is that they are rejecting themselves. They are rejecting the person God intended them to be."

Thanksgiving

This morning has been a good one. I feel myself coming back to finding my Father and it's hopeful, special, thankful. I go through these phases where I lose sight, lose faith, lose strength and I feel so disconnected from Him. I'm thankful for these phases because they truly are little tests for me. He uses them to help me always come back to Him and for that I say I'm thankful that I found Him on my own and not through a family tradition or anyone's pressures. I made that decision to take on a new life for Christ, for no one else but me and I'm glad.

I was surprised that I had any energy at all to push our workout this morning. I think I surprised my mother-in-law a little bit because I kept going and she tried to keep going too. I'm not sure if it was because I watched The Biggest Loser and truly felt very fortunate to have the health that I have and the inspiration I gained from the show or not but this morning I meant business and I can only thank God for listening to my prayers and giving me the strength and the courage to push harder, to challenge myself.

Steve actually did come to Market Common this morning to run. I hope that it'll be something that will start helping to motivate him to get back into shape but I'm not going to push him. I'm just going to do it for me because I want health, because I want challenge, because I want to be able to climb that mountain for Him. I don't want to push Steve because that would be like me telling him to feel a certain way and I can't do that. It'd be no different than having someone tell you you should believe in God and not allowing you to come to the conclusion yourself. If he chooses to come I'll challenge him, push him because I know he truly can do more than he has been doing for himself and I know that with God's help I can break through. I can't quit on him when he needs me too. I just can't.

I'm thankful for life and health this morning. Thankful because I see what Japan is going through and I wonder why I walk around complaining about anything in life because there are people who have nothing now. I know that I have to be strong not just for myself but because if I'm not strong for myself I cannot be the strong person I need to be to help God's children. I don't want to be selfish or prideful. I want to be humbled every chance I get and I know and feel God working through me. I am empowered by others' stories and I want someone else to be empowered by mine one day, if not everyday. I know that I've been brought into this family to help and for them to help me. I can't quit and I can't run!

I've got to find a way to get over my personal battles quietly without inflicting pain on my husband because he's growing too and he'll continue to grow as long as I choose to edify and encourage him more and more. Perhaps I haven't done this enough and no matter what he's done for me that is my mission that he feels loved, and secure in me, always trusting me to do what I said I was going to do. I want him to feel unguarded and open one day.

My prayer this morning is simply a praise of thanksgiving for Christ's Almighty power. I am thankful I know of Him and have given my whole heart to Him because without Christ...I'd be nothing, not even human.

"Heavenly Father you have amazed me with your beauty and your power once again. Your loved fills my heart and with an abundance of joy I want to carry it for You always. Father I lose sight but You always have time to bring me back. In the midst of disaster elsewhere You still find time for me and I am forever grateful for the quality time we share. You are my Father and I truly am blessed and humbled by knowing and feeling Your work. Father I am so sorry for all those times, all those years that I doubted, that I was so clouded by myself that I didn't allow You to work through me. Father I ask Your powerful help in getting my husband to that point as well; help him feel free inside and out, free from doubt, worry, regret, shame, self-abuse. Father I ask for your forgivness for doubting you these past few days and I ask forgiveness in not forgiving others, as well as myself. I ask for Your courage to see Your children through Your eyes and not my own. Father guide me to the places You want me to be, to the future You want me to have and I ask for the courage and strength to walk that path for You. I want to, Father. For You, I will! In Your heavenly most precious and glorious name....amen."

Day 1 Diet Journaling

In the spirit of abdominal definition I've decided to make July 3rd, 2011 my goal. By July I hope to have ab definition and in spirit of that goal I know that one of the quickest ways is to watch what goes in and out of my body. "Calories in, calories out" as expressed on The Biggest Loser. I've got to start monitoring what I'm eating and what activities I'm doing so that I can get a better idea of my daily regimen. This is afterall a life and body to be lived for Christ and how can I climb mountains if I lack the physical stamina to even get past the first obstacle?

Breakfast (8:15am)

Snack (10:30am)

Lunch (1:30pm)

Dinner (8:30pm)

Confronting the fears of marriage

Today has been an okay day so far. I'm trying to 'train' myself to resort to blogging instead of just unloading all my feelings onto my husband. I find that it gets me into deeper trouble than before. So on the way to church I told myself that I just have to focus on today at hand and to try my best not to text my husband, release any frustration on to him, but yet to allow a healthy outlet for myself. I mean, that's why I started this blog to begin with and it's not like I have a huge following, if any, so what does it matter what I write about? This is for me, no one else.

Steve didn't show up to church this morning. I wasn't really that surprised given the mood he was in when we left the Grand Park at Market Commons this morning. It's supposed to be something good, not horrible, and I fear that's all that it has come down to. So, I've decided not to ask anymore for him to run with me because I know that he truly doesn't want to do it and isn't at all excited about helping me with it and I'd rather him not be so dang grouchy and make me feel worse about asking in the first place than to actually struggle with finding motivation myself.

That's why I came to the realization in the first place. As I was sitting in church this morning a thought popped into my head during a song. It wasn't one of those thoughts that segwayed from another conversation I was having in my head, but rather it literally popped right to the forefront of my brain for a split second. Well, crap....now it's gone. Just wait, I'm sure it'll come back.

I'm not really certain if I'm disappointed in Steve not showing up to church this morning. I know that it sucks because it wasn't just about him, it was about AO, his roommate. Steve told me that he's been praying for a while to get him interested in church and last week AO finally agreed to come listen to Dr. John's sermon in today's service, however, given the fact that Steve just wasn't feeling it, it meant that AO wasn't coming. In my opinion that's where it's wrong. Not to say I do not understand completely where he's personally coming from because I, myself, on several occasions just haven't been feeling going to church but I have the ability to push my own feelings aside, especially if it's someone who's interested in going to church and has already said they were going to go. Am I saying that I'm totally disappointed in Steve and that he's to blame? No. I'm saying that it's his decision what to do with his own faith, but he didn't just mess with his faith alone, he messed with AO's, a person who relied on him to show enthusiasm and excitement that he was going. I'm sure on the surface AO "understood" when Steve said he wasn't going to church this morning, but what does that really show a person who's in search of Christ? I can't say how I would've reacted or would've done differently because he and I are two very different people, with very different minds. I would hope that I would've seen the bigger picture that AO going to church was far more important than how I was feeling and that maybe, just maybe if I would've chosen to put that first instead of me, I would've found the help or relief I, myself was lacking.

I understand why he might be feeling off his game and I'm not so sure how to handle it as his partner. Do I stay close to show him that I'm there for him when he wants to talk even though I know for certain he won't reach out to me? Do I do that to show him that I'm not going to do what he does to me which is just leave me high and dry to deal with emotions on my own and not help him regulate? Here's the funniest part about our biblical marriage. I am the wife, partner, lover, but more importantly my role in this marriage is to be his helpmate, to edify him and lift him to search for God. How do you do that when the person you're trying to help, refuses the help you give?

So does that mean I'm supposed to back off of him so he can have a breather? He doesn't actually regulate that way because all he's prone to doing is just tossing the feelings under the rug and not actually working through them and trying to think of them differently. All giving him space does is allow him time to find a way to hide. How is that helping either?

Do you see the predicament I constantly live in? My home is lying right in between, constantly confused and unaware of what the right decision is, but I try anyway. I try fearlessly to trust my decisions will be Godly and what He wants of me, in addition to actually being a human myself. Is this what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life? How, other than now not looking at pornography merely because he's married, have I actually helped him succeed or look for God? A perfect example of what I mean was this morning when he was tired and frustrated with himself from not being in the shape he used to be. I can definitely relate to that frustration and anger, and how easy it is to just walk away from it instead of confronting it.

I tried to circle around him to get him motivated to run but I was terrified. I'm not sure why. I shouldn't be. If I'm going to help him I shouldn't be terrified to push harder and to be that beeotch who's making him so angry because in the end it'll help him. So does that mean I should continue to jeaopordize my time running in order to truly help him? Anyways, he was just walking in his self-pity, which again I can fully relate to, and I tried to get him to speed it up because all he was doing was defeating the running he'd already done. And after he gave me the excuse that he didn't eat before he came I just let it go, let him win. I shouldn't have. I should've confronted him and said "well, that's too bad. You had plenty of time to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich and drink water before you came. I ate an apple and a banana before I came. Stop using excuses and just do it. Speed walk!"

Maybe the true test to my willpower and strength isn't walking away from this but rather confronting it head on, not complaining about every little thing but rather being strong enough to hold him up and myself at the same time. It's exhausting and I constantly have to ask for help but how will he ever try, how will he ever be the dad he should be to our children, how will he ever not be narcissitic if I constantly stay afraid of him, afraid of confrontation?

running

So not too long ago we had a similar situation to the running situation that Steve and I are having now. I find myself feeling like I carry this relationship and at times I don't want to. At times, like yesterday and today I find myself saying "God, I love you. Please don't make me do this anymore." It's sad to say that I feel like the mommy, the wife, and the babysitter all wrapped up into one. I'm glad more and more each day that we don't have children so that I am not completely overwhelmed by having to do all of that in addition to dealing with my husband.

I have questions. Of course I do. Of course I want to feel free to ask anything I want without having it be some underlying issue that gets plastered all over texts to friends or conversations with judgemental family members. I want to feel free in this relationship, just like he does. How do we get there? How?

Oh yeah, the story. Well, a little while ago I started doing my laundry at Steve's apartment because they had a washer and dryer and it was cheaper for me to do it there than having to pay for our on-site laundry mat. That started to become a very controlling situation where Steve said he wanted to buy me a washer and dryer but that never happened because he realized he'd save money if I just continued to do my laundry over at his place and it would be a plus for him being able to see me. That was all too easy and centered around him because he totally neglected that he promised to buy me a washer and dryer so that it would be easier on me to do my laundry instead of making it twice as inconvenient to have to lug all my laundry down to the car and drive over to his house, when he was there because I didn't have a key. I found this to be a very controlling situation in which he felt power or that I needed him in some way, which I didn't like because it was like it took the choice away from me, robbing me of my power to decide and make choices in my life.

So now, the running situation has become the very same issue and I find myself asking God what am I supposed to do when Steve promises or says he'll do something? Am I supposed to treat him like he treats me? Like I won't trust a single word he says until he proves it otherwise? That's a very horrible lonely feeling to know that your own spouse doesn't even support you, or trust what you say is truth. I get that a lot. I'm sure I always will.

But really...how am I supposed to respond? Am I not supposed to get excited because chances are he'll not follow through with it? I signed up for the 5k walk/run for Autism in April and I'm starting to run out of time so I'm seriously doubting my ability to finish the race and this would be a great time for him to really help me understand and to make me feel like I can do anything but instead because of the way he is, the narcissm, he doesn't get it. That's the most frustrating part is not that he understands and lazily refuses to step up but rather he doesn't even realize that's what's happening in my life. It's extremely hard for him to see anyone or anything else outside of his own bubble and that's what I mean by saying I'm alone because I am.

I am technically married to a man who barely sees me, acknowledges me, or even cares for me. The signals that a woman is naturally used to are now no longer possible. I have found myself having to totally change just to be heard in this relationship and right now I'm feeling a little bit of anger for even pushing marriage in the first place, which now that I think about it he did the same thing with our engagement too.

He proposed, I met his family, we talked about marriage so much that I thought it'd be soon after, and he didn't want to even talk about a wedding date. I'm kicking myself for not just saying 'no' to moving in with him but I got caught up in a life that never existed. I'm kicking myself for not just letting him want to break up with me after moving in with him after two months of dating. Why didn't I just say, "I'm sorry. I just don't think it'd be healthy for me or you to get back together and fix this marriage. In fact, with who we are I'm not certain it will ever be fixed"?

Our marriage has become this huge thing that has to be worked on every second of the day and right now I'm just exhausted for having to carry him, to deal with him, and I find myself now losing the sexual chemistry anymore. I no longer feel the obligation or want to make him happy sexually or whatever because I know that no matter what I do, or say...I still will never be apart of that world where only he exists. I'll always and forever be on the outside of it because I'm supposed to be the one who is closest.

Last night I wondered if we were to divorce but yet still continue this relationship if that would not be better for us in the long-run. Technically, we wouldn't have broken any biblical laws of divorcing and marrying another. We would still be persuing each other and God already sees us as married, either legally or not. Perhaps without the feeling of need that these rings carry we wouldn't feel such a pressure to try so hard, because we would know that all we would be doing was dating and maybe it would somehow, psychologically trick us into feeling more dependent and less controlled by the other person. I don't know.

I do wish that Dr. Archie wasn't so unpredictable. It saddens me that our treatment started to go downhill and I dread the day when Steve blames me for being the reason it did. I know in my heart and with all of me that I did not and that Dr. Archie is human just as much as I am, capable of doing wrong as well. The difference is pride and a love for Christ. I do wish that I could go back to Dr. Archie but I know now that there is no way he'd be able to give me adequate care. There are days when I miss being able to talk to him, or feel power over my own choices, but I know that I don't need him to survive, to understand what regulation is. I pray that Steve will get the opportunity to truly understand what regulation is as well. I pray that one day Steve won't be narcissistic, but I'm not certain that will ever happen. I have to have faith in God that He will help us.

This morning's run was a little disappointing but I'm thankful it opened my eyes. I now know that pushing Steve to uphold his promises does no good to me or him. I know this morning he didn't want to be there and while I understand he was fighting his own battles I have to ask myself why I even bother doing or being around him because I want so badly for it to be different that he's not narcissistic, but wanting something badly enough doesn't make it disappear. I originally asked him to come running with me because I really needed the challenge and support and encouragement that I know he's capable of giving me. When he's selfless he truly does care and understand me, but when he's stuck in his own bubble like this morning he ends up just showing me that I'm a huge inconvenience for making him get up and come running with me. He didn't show me support or love or encouragement at all. He wants me to feel that because he actually showed up, but it's his actions throughout that make the difference, consistency. And he consistently showed his lack of motivation in encouraging me at all. This mornings run was supposed to be something fun that we do together so that we could help and encourage one another, but instead it once again ended up being where I have to get over my issues and feelings in order to help him, help me. I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted by it and all I want to do is hide from it all.

I just want someone who can truly be there for me like I've been there for him. Someone who can sacrifice any feelings they have because they understand that showing you something or doing something for you is more important than themselves or their own wants and needs. I know that I don't do this all the time but dang I just wish I didn't have to explain that all the time, or ask my husband to be a supporter. I'm so tired by this marriage and by him and I'm bitter and frustrated because I know that I love him but I don't want to feel this way because I know it's not healthy for me or him.

But what do I do? How do I think? How do I respond? How do I be the perfect person who is strong enough and confident enough to encourage him and neglect myself when he doesn't have a single interest in the same things? My only solution has been to ignore him but even in that he's totally lost and unaware that I have to take myself away from him because of how he is.

This morning wasn't an encouragement, or something built to help me. It was all about him and his feelings and what he wanted to do and how he was so stubborn that he wouldn't allow me to even try to help him, help me.

Right now, in this moment...I want out. I want away from him because I can't take it anymore. This is why I got to this point to begin with and it's not because of some monster living within me that suddenly came out. He is so disregulated from everyone and everything that he drags me down too and right now I don't want to be sucked in to the hole with him. Maybe the love I feel for him isn't enough to deal with everything else, but I know that I do not dare mention my doubts again because all that will do is allow him to throw his guards up.

So, it's because of this that I know we aren't ready to live together, or rather I am ready to live with him. I can't be trapped again. I can't.

"Father help us. Please! Help us seek and find counsel in someone's capable hands. Please!"

Vent

"This morning Father I'm angry. I can feel myself getting more and more frustrated for decisions I have made, or even haven't made. What frustrates me is I didn't even say "yes" that I would take Steve back after he came to my apartment asking for us to work things out. I hugged him and didn't give him an answer. All I did say was that I wanted him to focus on getting him better first, and look....see how stupid I was to trust that? That's what I feel. Stupid.

I look around and it's like I see everyone so unafraid to stand up for themselves, even Steve wasn't afraid to break up with me a long time ago and he sure as hell wasn't afraid to let everyone think that it was all my fault and that I left him, even now he won't set the record straight and it's simply because he doesn't want to disappoint his family by saying the reason I left was because he started looking at porn and arguing with me again. If he would've given me just a couple of days to process the anger instead of adding to it and then saying I had no right to treat him like that, or to feel betrayed, or that I didn't trust him.

Father, I know that right now, this mood that I'm in I'm not regulating. I've learned how to disconnect myself so much in order to be that second person that I truly believe that's how I've become bipolar. Isn't that a crazy notion? To think that a person became a disorder that allows for several mood changes in order to self-regulate the other half that was disregulated? Sometimes that's what it feels like. It feels like I'm feeling those horrible emotions and I feel a heavy weight over me, like a dark cloud or something and then all of a sudden here comes this voice of reason on the other half of me trying to help bring sunshine in.

Take right now for instance. I feel angry, disappointed, let down, mad, scared, sad, depressed but I know that the only reason I'm feeling this way is because I'm too focused and worried on past decisions I've made and in reality shouldn't even be feeling that way considering I made all of those decisions for You and if I had the chance knowing that our relationship would be where it is now I would've done it all over again, however, there is another part of me that wishes I would've hugged him that night but said, "I'm sorry. Right now I feel like it's not safe to be around you and for you to be around me. Focus on you and if it's meant to be still, God will let it be on His time, not yours."

It was so easy to get caught up in that storybook, romance movie type of moment and I was scared to hurt his feelings, that if I said 'no' than he would think I meant forever and leave me.

But all in all, this is where we are and I have to say as much as I do love the progress he's made and the fact that he no longer lies as much as he used to, or looks at porn like he used to...I have to ask myself what if.

Don't get me wrong Father I am thankful. You and I both know that but at times I feel like I've gotten the short-end of the stick. I think what if he wouldn't have come around again and I continued to find myself, who I was. I know that I truly was proud of myself for working it out. Now, I'm not proud of myself. I'm not proud that I trust someone who can't be trusted. I'm not proud that I give so much and don't receive as much back. I'm not proud that I am married to a man who is afraid to live his life and hides behind excuses to not try and thinks he's fulfilled person in life but yet wonders why he doesn't feel proud of himself. I'm not proud that I can't find a way to help him just get up and be someone, do something. When I say be someone I mean, someone else besides a man who sits there and does nothing for himself.

I wonder why is it that he tried so hard back then to go to the gym to get the ladies' attention when now he only cares to go if he by chance wants someone to notice him. What do I do? Call him fat and refuse to have sex with him because he's not perfect? I know that I do prefer the way he used to look and I've been waiting and waiting until he gets back to that but I don't know how to do anything.

I'm not proud that I'm scared of everything when it comes to him. Scared to hurt his feelings. Scared he'll not think well of himself in the future. Scared I'll make things worse for him. Scared that what he says by never leaving if that's really true. I'm trying so hard not to control him or to be mean or whatever, but maybe that's just like everyone else in his life who allows him to do what he wants in his life.

I guess that means it's my test and real confidence comes in knowing that God is in control and in trusting that he's not going to leave me, and if he does that God will see me through. I'm so scared I'll look like the bad guy to his family and I'll lose them or that I'll be a hypocrite or something like that.

Now that I sit here and write it all out I know that I need to toughen up in all aspects of my life, especially my marriage. I won't make decisions for him, but I won't allow him to settle either. And if he chooses to do something I don't agree with, like not working out or not calling grandmother and stuff like that than I'll simply just tell myself "ya know what, you're decisions are your decisions".

Father, this morning I ask for your help but I'm unsure what to ask for. Father search my heart and search my husbands heart especially and help us see what our needs are. Father thank you for this challenge because it truly has made me a strong independent woman, but I want to be more than that. I ask for your help. Father please forgive my sins. In your heavenly precious holy name I pray, amen."

"Going in Circles"

"Going in Circles"

by

Pamela Ribon

While it took me a little while to finish this book I really enjoyed reading it. When I purchased this book Steve and I were not "Steve and I". We were more like..."yes, technically we are spouses". What attracted me was the setting of a woman who was unsure of what happened or what was going to happen to her marriage. I obviously related to the uncertainty and would be lying if I said the $5.97 price wasn't an attraction as well. As I began reading the book it was hard for me to get into it because I was afraid that each chapter would get closer and closer to her marriage becoming a divorce. For my own life, I didn't want to even remotely think that was possible. Slowly I read each chapter until she meets her friend Francessca, oddly enough the goth girl at her job. At first I assumed that this particular friend would simply just be the kind I would or could never have considering my beliefs and that her way of coping would be to party and drink beer until the sun came up. Again, I found it a little difficult to continue reading, but nevertheless even though I have about 1000 projects on hold currently, I do not like leaving something unfinished, especially books that might help me cope in my own ways.

It turned out loving this book and found it much easier to read after my own situation had changed because while I still related to the character, I knew that our outcomes would very closetly be completely different from one another. Her friend now reminds me of two of my very best friends who encourage me to not necessarily move on as to "drop him and run", but to just take my time in processing but to never lose sight of my own independence and choice.

I would give this book about a 4.4 out of a 5 because it was very relateable and actually made me laugh out loud a few too many times, which was very nice!

Future publications

Motivation. Encouragement. Adrenaline. Freedom. The moment was mundane but the thought was...freeing. Sitting in the bath tub reading my book it almost all fell together. A life's mess perfectly melted into one publication. I could see the chapters start to form and the ink stained passages page after page. What a thought? A goal even. One day I know I'll write... I'll write with feeling and devotion; order. I'm excited for what's to come and motivated for it's arrival.

The truth

It's no surprise that this morning's encouraging word from K-Love was Proverbs 12:22, "The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth."

Here's the truth.

The truth is I'm unhappy with our sex-life. It's not that I dislike anything that my husband does because I love everything he does and that is the full truth. What I'm unhappy about is the giant boulder of akwardness between us. We are unable to have an open conversation with one another without one, or both of us getting upset and taking something personally. The truth is that people change, people do evolve in their likes and dislikes. It's almost like food. This week I might really like spaghetti, but next week I might not want to go near it because I'm craving tacos instead. The same rules apply to sex and it's because of this perogative that we should both have the freedom to express what we do and don't like this week or next. Each time you're intimate is personal; it shouldn't lack connection or desire.

The truth is that I'm unhappy because of the boulder but also because of the desire. While our marriage bed has no less been tainted by both our wrong-doings now I feel as if it's lacking simply because of laziness.

If I were being completely honest and didn't feel the pressure to be judged I would say I feel cheated. It's not everytime I get all dazzled up; shower, shave, make-up, cute little outfit, but when I do I wonder "why should I be doing this?" I know that he appreciates the outfits and the efforts much more than he used to because he sees how much I want to please, than why would it be okay to not do the same for me? I'm not expecting it and I know that's true because the last time we were together I was trying so hard to be supportive and non-critical that I ended up just being sacrificial and self-neglecting after he finished but I did not. This is not a video where the main event is the man finishing and once that happens the video ends...this is real life and we both should feel that kind of release and pleasure.

Again, it's not that I'm complaining or saying that I'm better or that he's not as good as he used to be, or anything like that. But what I am saying is that I'm frustrated. Frustrated because I do spend time thinking that 'yes' he would like if I took care of my body because that would help him maintain his attraction to me, but that I go the extra mile and make sure that I'm striving to be perfect each time. I'll just spit out what I'm trying to cordially say. Why did it only last a little bit? Not that there's anything wrong with a quicky now and again but I spent almost 45 minutes in the shower shaving and then putting make-up on, and everything else and at first I truly meant that it was okay, because it was. I truly have been okay with it but now that I'm thinking...why did it stop there? Why does it seemingly always stop there? It's not that I'm broken because I've finished before but there have also been times when it's been quick but you prolonged it in every way you could. Does that mean that the last time we were together that you just weren't into it and that you could careless if we did but you saw how much I put into it and you didn't want to hurt my feelings?

The truth is I'm frustrated because I can't figure out how to help this, to fix this thing because at the end of the day the end result is me being immoral; hiding behind the scenes trying not to say too much that will hurt your feelings, but to make sure I say enough so you'll understand what I'm feeling or talking about. I thought I could go without and to sacrifice maybe just a few times when it wasn't rockin' my world, so that way I could build up your pride, your self-esteem. I thought I could not fake, but not be completely honest in order to get that end result that we both wanted. All that happens is you're tired because I keep trying to having sex with you and you finish and at the end I'm not so I end up going home and secretly doing things I shouldn't be doing. I can't live like that anymore. I can't, but I don't know how to help you understand, I don't know how to talk openly with you, and I don't know how to stop my feelings.

The truth is that I'm unhappy but chances are not as much as you think I am, by thinking I'm saying "we have a horrible sex-life". I'm not happy with it currently, but I'm happy it is much better than it was. We aren't there yet and I know we'll get back there but how if we can't even have a conversation with one another where there's no pressure, no fault, just understanding?

You think I like taking the blame of making something out of nothing? First of all it's not nothing and second of all, I don't. I'm not broken and I never was but I do know that ignoring what doesn't work and continuing to do it, doesn't work for anyone. All it does is allow me to lie to you because I'm afraid to hurt your feelings, and it hurts me because I'm lying, and secretly finding resolve at home, alone, which still gives me no satisfaction or release.

The truth is...I just want that release. I just want to feel no pressure, or like I'm the reason it's not good, or great, or grand because of my confidence. I'm fighting those thoughts...are you? I just want to be satisfied and you know how to, and where to, and so do I...so let's do it.

The truth is I wonder why you won't go down on me just randomly, just as a surprise, without personal gain? I wonder if you even desire sex these days and why not, what are you feeling? I wonder if it will always be where it feels like we're begging for sex and not just enjoying it as something to be envied by others. I wonder a lot but at this moment I wonder will we'll even get the opportunity to have that release together again? We've had a couple times in the past week where we have been together and boy they were fun and really great to spend that time with you, but why do I still feel unsatisfied? It's not just me thinking wrongly, or feeling wrongly because my feelings are real and they are just and aren't just some ficticious cause and effect of negative emotions.

I'm happy, but at the same time...I'm unhappy because I still feel that I have to watch something bad in order to find that release and then after its done, I still don't feel anything I would've felt with you. Deep down I'm crying for change, for help, for a release, for no pressure from you.

In time....the best is yet to come I guess.