It's no surprise that this morning's encouraging word from K-Love was Proverbs 12:22, "The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth."
Here's the truth.
The truth is I'm unhappy with our sex-life. It's not that I dislike anything that my husband does because I love everything he does and that is the full truth. What I'm unhappy about is the giant boulder of akwardness between us. We are unable to have an open conversation with one another without one, or both of us getting upset and taking something personally. The truth is that people change, people do evolve in their likes and dislikes. It's almost like food. This week I might really like spaghetti, but next week I might not want to go near it because I'm craving tacos instead. The same rules apply to sex and it's because of this perogative that we should both have the freedom to express what we do and don't like this week or next. Each time you're intimate is personal; it shouldn't lack connection or desire.
The truth is that I'm unhappy because of the boulder but also because of the desire. While our marriage bed has no less been tainted by both our wrong-doings now I feel as if it's lacking simply because of laziness.
If I were being completely honest and didn't feel the pressure to be judged I would say I feel cheated. It's not everytime I get all dazzled up; shower, shave, make-up, cute little outfit, but when I do I wonder "why should I be doing this?" I know that he appreciates the outfits and the efforts much more than he used to because he sees how much I want to please, than why would it be okay to not do the same for me? I'm not expecting it and I know that's true because the last time we were together I was trying so hard to be supportive and non-critical that I ended up just being sacrificial and self-neglecting after he finished but I did not. This is not a video where the main event is the man finishing and once that happens the video ends...this is real life and we both should feel that kind of release and pleasure.
Again, it's not that I'm complaining or saying that I'm better or that he's not as good as he used to be, or anything like that. But what I am saying is that I'm frustrated. Frustrated because I do spend time thinking that 'yes' he would like if I took care of my body because that would help him maintain his attraction to me, but that I go the extra mile and make sure that I'm striving to be perfect each time. I'll just spit out what I'm trying to cordially say. Why did it only last a little bit? Not that there's anything wrong with a quicky now and again but I spent almost 45 minutes in the shower shaving and then putting make-up on, and everything else and at first I truly meant that it was okay, because it was. I truly have been okay with it but now that I'm thinking...why did it stop there? Why does it seemingly always stop there? It's not that I'm broken because I've finished before but there have also been times when it's been quick but you prolonged it in every way you could. Does that mean that the last time we were together that you just weren't into it and that you could careless if we did but you saw how much I put into it and you didn't want to hurt my feelings?
The truth is I'm frustrated because I can't figure out how to help this, to fix this thing because at the end of the day the end result is me being immoral; hiding behind the scenes trying not to say too much that will hurt your feelings, but to make sure I say enough so you'll understand what I'm feeling or talking about. I thought I could go without and to sacrifice maybe just a few times when it wasn't rockin' my world, so that way I could build up your pride, your self-esteem. I thought I could not fake, but not be completely honest in order to get that end result that we both wanted. All that happens is you're tired because I keep trying to having sex with you and you finish and at the end I'm not so I end up going home and secretly doing things I shouldn't be doing. I can't live like that anymore. I can't, but I don't know how to help you understand, I don't know how to talk openly with you, and I don't know how to stop my feelings.
The truth is that I'm unhappy but chances are not as much as you think I am, by thinking I'm saying "we have a horrible sex-life". I'm not happy with it currently, but I'm happy it is much better than it was. We aren't there yet and I know we'll get back there but how if we can't even have a conversation with one another where there's no pressure, no fault, just understanding?
You think I like taking the blame of making something out of nothing? First of all it's not nothing and second of all, I don't. I'm not broken and I never was but I do know that ignoring what doesn't work and continuing to do it, doesn't work for anyone. All it does is allow me to lie to you because I'm afraid to hurt your feelings, and it hurts me because I'm lying, and secretly finding resolve at home, alone, which still gives me no satisfaction or release.
The truth is...I just want that release. I just want to feel no pressure, or like I'm the reason it's not good, or great, or grand because of my confidence. I'm fighting those thoughts...are you? I just want to be satisfied and you know how to, and where to, and so do I...so let's do it.
The truth is I wonder why you won't go down on me just randomly, just as a surprise, without personal gain? I wonder if you even desire sex these days and why not, what are you feeling? I wonder if it will always be where it feels like we're begging for sex and not just enjoying it as something to be envied by others. I wonder a lot but at this moment I wonder will we'll even get the opportunity to have that release together again? We've had a couple times in the past week where we have been together and boy they were fun and really great to spend that time with you, but why do I still feel unsatisfied? It's not just me thinking wrongly, or feeling wrongly because my feelings are real and they are just and aren't just some ficticious cause and effect of negative emotions.
I'm happy, but at the same time...I'm unhappy because I still feel that I have to watch something bad in order to find that release and then after its done, I still don't feel anything I would've felt with you. Deep down I'm crying for change, for help, for a release, for no pressure from you.
In time....the best is yet to come I guess.
