Thursday, May 12, 2011

Nameless

I mentioned before how difficult it was to get into the beginning of Nicholas Sparks' novels and I'm struggling to find interest in A Bend In The Road for a few reasons.

#1. I'm pretty sure I've read the book already but at the same time I'm not sure if I've read the entire book so I'm wanting to just re-read it again. However, that's the second reason...

#2. I'm pretty sure I've read the book already and my brain is telling me "NO!"

Haha. Either way it doesn't matter because it's just a book and chances are I have read the book but my memory just doesn't want to work correctly. It's not very long so it shouldn't take me that long to read it and I'd like to get through all of Nicholas' books this year.

Here's what I really want to talk about. I really want to talk about the frustration I get when someone chooses to ignore me. I know that right now is a "difficult time" for my husband because he's feeling depressed and isn't quite sure how to look at life and our marriage any different, but...I'm not sure how to help him. I'm pretty sure that all I can do right now is leave him alone and hope he'll come back to me wanting me to help. That's a very difficult thing to do and there are a lot of parts of me that just doesn't want to do that.

It's so hard to tell yourself, move on when you feel selfish and horrible like you're leaving someone behind but unless you want to get sucked down the hole with them...you've got to let go. So...I'm going to try.

I can't get frustrated for being ignored when I know how that feeling is when all you want to do is sleep the entire day away because you're afraid of feeling horrible about yourself if you're forced to wake up and live the day. There's often a feeling of no point to going through the motions and everything feels ten times more powerful than before. Even the littlest of things like going to get food, or brushing your teeth seems like such a task you can't possibly begin to handle. That's why I don't like feeling like I'm leaving him behind however he's not letting me help encourage him either. I'm just really not sure what to do in this situation and as much as I'd like to take it to God, this time...I'm waiting to do that. I know that He's still right there at the center of my everything and yes I've made some bad decisions despite everything to keep me in this far enough away mood but He's still my everything and I'm trying to follow Him.

I don't know. It's weird to explain because I know and still believe everything about God and this marriage and the work He's done in us, in me, but I feel like I can't allow myself to go back just yet. Because when I go back I'm in that happy, ecstatic state where everything is blissful and irrational and the next thing I know...BOOM either a lie or something else knocks me off my rocker of joy and I'm just unwilling to do that right now.