Recently I read an article from Yahoo about a woman who lost her job and instead of hitting the streets with her resume she decided to take the time and start a blog. Each day she bought an article of clothing for $1 and re-vamped it into some new piece of clothing. As I was looking through the photos she mostly chose extra large dresses that she then cut and sewed to make into smaller, more tailored dresses for herself. The patterns were pretty crazy, but overall I like her concept. Like the movie, "Julie & Julia", she chose to do this for $365, for 365 days. Each day she would create a new piece of clothing. I was interested not only because of her inspiration from that movie and her willingness to do something different, but because it was just something she wanted to do for fun.
I remember when I was in Pennslyvania for a couple of months I got to a point where I would do things just for fun as well. I'd walk around the neighboring homes and fields and take pictures. I'd try to find new paths through the woods in the back of the house to explore. I would go for walks and fast-paced challenging up-hill/downhill runs because I wanted to get into shape. It became something I did for myself, to feel better.
I was also working with a counselor once a week to talk about my past and present feelings, rejections, acceptance, etc. I used to think, as I progressively got worse in my illness again that she, my counselor was the miracle worker. I had thought that there was no way I would be able to get back to that unless I found another counselor willing to help me and perhaps that's why I've found so much trouble finding someone. At first, recently, I started seeing a therapist that was ridiculously priced but I told myself that it was worth it because I would be getting better. After having to stop seeing him because I could no longer afford it, I began to lose hope in getting better because no one would and could help me. A few weeks after procrastinating I felt rejection again when I finally called the references he had given me for a more affordable solution. They couldn't see me until September and only offered forms of medication to heal the problem instead of starting at the root of it. At this point I had also had a friend, with similar issues, refer me to her therapist, which took a few calls to actually get an answer from. Again, rejection.
I really didn't understand why this was happening because I was asking God for help and He was presenting all of these possibilities and opportunities to seek help, but I just kept being rejected. 'Why', I would wonder and soon ask God Himself. I couldn't understand why if I was seeking help and it was being provided that something, money, or time, was always in the way.
While I was working with my counselor in Pennslyvania we started a workbook called, The Twelve Steps, A Spiritual Journey. It was very helpful to me and even after I'd moved back to South Carolina and in with my husband again I'd continued through the workbook with her through our phone sessions. I made it through Step 8 and was so proud of myself for doing so well, especially under the environmental circumstances, that I decided that I was going to try it myself. After that I fell flat. I kept up with the workbook for a couple more weeks, but never made it past Step 8.
I've realized through going back and starting over with my workbook that I didn't fail. I simply misplaced the importance of counsel. To me, I was succeeding because I had my counselor, because she was the miracle worker helping me through it. I had put it into her hands the outcome of my recovery and I think that's why I sought so much counsel after that. I never thought that I was able, or qualified enough to do it myself. Afterall, who really believes that if someone with an illness doesn't take medication for it can really help themselves get better? The answer is simple. I do.
I remember asking myself a few weeks ago what I was so worried about with helping myself because I knew that with God's help anything was possible. I knew that I didn't need to start taking medication simply to make people believe that I was recovering. While I was in Pennslyvania I didn't take medication and I don't need to take it now, but I do need to practice self-control and accountability more. That is where my skills are lacking but God has given me all the tools to recover from them, I just have to use them. I've realized that a valuable tool He has given me is time alone, in a safe and controlled environment. He's given me the peace and calm of coming home to no one badgering or belittling or even being. This time alone is a blessing and I should treat it as such.
He's also given me my workbook as a tool. I didn't go to Pennslyvania to learn the importance of a counselor, I went to learn the importance of His counsel through me. I am everything I need to get better and with the help and guidance of this workbook He brought to my life, I am able to be everything I need to get better.
So, today I will start my own "365 day" blog, but instead of it being like the woman in the article, or even the movie, I will write each day as I work through this workbook again.
A part of the reason why I thought that I had to actually go to seek counseling was because it was an accountability, which wasn't a wrong thought because at the time I did feel more powerful knowing that I was physically making the effort to drive to her office for our session. Now, I realize through reading the second week in my workbook that my "small group" will be my blog. Each day I will share with you my scares and my triumphs of recovery through each lesson. I look forward to this 'project' not only because it helps me learn and correct my character flaws, but it will also help me help others through my own struggles.
I thank God, sincerely, for everything! There simply aren't any words to express my gratitude so this blog will become a way that I can serve Him in all His glory! I pray you will benefit from these lessons, as I have and will continue to.
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