Thursday, November 18, 2010

Thanks-giving

It didn't always used to be like this...lonely. Steve used to say when we would argue that I had no idea what it felt like to have friends that were my best, who knew me for many many years, friends like his Gary and Phil. The truth is I did. I had four of the best friends I could've ever asked for. What happened? They left and I didn't call. Even after that I had friends, I did. They weren't really the best influences but they were friends...and then there was Robert, who was a great friend. It's not about Robert and I or anyone of the friends I've had in the past. It's about the feeling of full disclosure, security. In truth, after we moved my dad was my only true friend at first. I could talk to him about anything, at least I let myself believe that I could have. And somewhere through the years, after I blew up with him in that fight it stopped. He stopped being my friend; caring how my day was or what I had planned for later on.

There used to be a picture and if I close my eyes I can see exactly who was in it. My sister. Jonathan. Francis. It was Thanksgiving. It used to be just us and at least one friend. Having family is supposed to be the same feeling as when you have those friends you've known your whole life; people who love you no matter what, who accept you for who you are, and never leave you to fend for yourself...not ever.

I know exactly what it feels like. I'm not some weirdo person who never had a family or friends, who grew up singing to the clouds and twirling her hair while talking to her imaginary friend even after she turned twenty. I'm normal, at least I was. Somewhere along the line I've lost every person I've loved and who I thought loved me.

I guess I must like to torture myself, but I swear I didn't know the movie I just watched was going to be quite like that. "Pieces of April" with Katie Holmes. It was, at best, a sad truth that I felt extremely familiar with, except the end.

I wish I could hear his voice again; to go back to the days where he wasn't afraid of me, where he would genuinely hug me like nothing else around me mattered except making me feel safe. I wish I could go back to the days when it was just us that the two dollar theatre watching boring movies that I'd fall asleep in, but it was ours. We'd pop popcorn at home and sneak it in dad's jacket while I had candy in my purse, of course red licorice because that was dad's favorite. It was just us and sometimes I miss it. He was my friend more than anything, someone I thought would never, or could never turn his back on me.

The truth is that I feel guilt and shame. I know that these things have happened, especially in the past few years the damage that has happened to our relationship and to several friendships has been because of me, because what I am currently. I've damaged them and some I'll have to live with knowing will never be the same.

Thanksgiving always makes me think of that picture. We were baking cookies. Lol. We were teenagers but we were baking cookies and Ashley was wearing a light yellow sweater and was standing up next to that old table we used to have that was technically like a picnic table but a little nicer. It's not that I want to go back and it just be us, the three of us again, it's that I want so badly to feel that feeling again...unconditionally love. See that's the thing about betrayal though. It's a funny thing because when betrayal happens everything gets ripped away from you. The memories you thought were real become lies, feelings you once had now seem stupid because you thought you were someone special who deserved things like that.

For Steve Thanksgiving is about family, eating, celebrating, gathering. It's the same for me, however, I don't have that luxury. I am no victim, as I said earlier, but what I would give to feel that again and to be real, and true, and honest. I know the second I step in his mom's house I'll feel pressure. Pressure to smile and be exactly what I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be sad or upset or have any feelings like these. I'm supposed sit around that table and feel what those people feel...but I don't. I've been betrayed by them and I would sit there and want so badly believe that they loved me unconditionally and that they would do anything for me because afterall "that's what family does". I know the second that he and I aren't together anymore, the second they walk away from me too and I wonder, "if we hadn't gone to see Dr. Archie and wanted to work on things, would I be sitting at this table?"

See, I was trying to stand up to him that night we fought. I had taken so much of his crap. I was ten when we moved to South Carolina and already I was playing mom and once Ashley became pregnant with Caleb at 17, well, she left. She had to start her own family, but she left us, she left me. He wasn't a horrible dad, he was so funny, and I used to get so mad when he'd try to make me laugh or to tell me to calm down if I misplaced something and I couldn't find it. But that night was the first time I had ever had the opportunity to stand up to him and I choked. He was in my face screaming how ungrateful I was for everything he'd done for me, for Ashley. He'd thrown a stack of bills at me and told me how we almost lost our house. I was, in my own way, protecting my voice, protecting myself...at least I was trying to.

And when I left and got my own apartment when my husband and I seperated I was trying to do the same thing. He'd been hurting me, mentally, most importantly spiritually and much like my dad I felt forced to stay there with no other alternatives. And when God gave me that opportunity to stand up for myself again, I took it because it was the right thing to do for me and in the long run for him too, but I lost my family because I was trying to protect myself.

And none of them will talk to me about it. They'll pretend that it happened differently. They'll all find some common excuse or reason to believe that I was the one who did everything and they did nothing wrong. The difference is I said sorry and I kept saying sorry; to my dad, to them. None of them, including my dad has every truly said sorry for walking out, for abandoning me. I know why. Pride. They'll owe me nothing because I'm not holier than thou or higher than anyone else. They'll owe me nothing because I was wrong too. All I want is a promise. A promise of that feeling the picture brings me everytime I think of it. I don't want gifts or stories or excuses. I want them to take ownership for their part; to really analyze and humble themselves and allow God to show them how they were wrong, and then I want a simple apology followed with a promise.

See God gave me this whole big family but unless I fall unto them every time, losing my voice, strangling my choices, they leave. It's always been easier to leave one person behind than to stand up against more than that.

If I could ask for just one thing for Christmas and it come true. It would be to have that feeling again. The feeling that a best friend that knew me so well; like Ian, like Jessica, like Stephanie, like Robert gives you. That feeling you get when you sit at a table full of people who have been there your whole life and has known all your stories and all your phases and loves you unconditionally. Steve will get there I know he will. He's already grown so much in figuring me out and the way he tries to make me smile is worth more than most other things, but if I could ask for one thing...it would be that honestly.

Sorry for the negative nancy but I felt like I had to before I fell even farther. Glory to God! For He is my true family, my true friend. He has never forsaken me, nor has He ever left or betrayed me. I am truly thankful for Him.

Hungry Children

Today was really a very challenging day for me; at least thus far. Steve and I haven't been getting along too well and instead of pulling together we are falling apart. It's nothing too dramatic or drastic, but heartbreaking. One thing is sure that miracles do happen because that's what this marriage has become; a fight to stay alive, physically, mentally, spiritually. With each arguement we pass, year we surrender I learn more about the value of marriage. It's a sacred bond and with each 'marital disaster' we've encountered so far has truly made me see a smidgeon of God's perfect design. It only makes me sad to think that our generation has become so desensitized by everything. What will happen next?

Anyway, as I was trying to figure out where to eat dinner I remembered that I had only eaten a very sugary donut with about half a mug of mango green tea this morning for breakfast. It dawned on me that was all I had eaten. As I began to think of these past few months where money has been tight, I calculated that I haven't been able to buy steak dinners at fancy restaurants, or even steak at all. I remember at first being so angry and blaming everyone else because I had no money to buy what I truly wanted to eat. On those days I felt like such a child, stubborn and refusing to be greatful for what I did have which was good and sufficient in and of itself. I also remembered that as time went by I began to like not having that much money to buy the food I wanted because it allowed me to truly budget every penny, every dime so that I could afford frozen vegetables and fruit. I have never been very good at budgeting so as the habit progressed I took pride in knowing how much each dollar was going towards gas or groceries. I was, at the time, using that to my advantage also and I began to praise God for what I did have not only because He was providing but because I was looking great and feeling great as well. I began to lose weight because I was eating healthier meals because it was cheaper to eat a bowl of corn, peas, carrots, and cauliflower than it was to buy dinner out, not to mention healthier. Again, as time went on I learned more and more that I should be greatful because God was still providing for me. My test was trust in Him that as my pay check began to stretch and dwendle I was to trust that God would provide enough money for food, for gas to work, and I would have everything that I needed. It truly made me more thankful for Him.

I've noticed that as I've started to have a little bit more money my gratitude has begun to dwendle, until today when I heard a story on K-Love. The story was of a little girl who was sent to the principal's office one day because she was found in the bathroom eating balloons. When the principal asked her why she was eating them she said because she was hungry. The small snippit that they were talking about was how there are so many children/people who do not have any money for food let alone anything else.

Of course, how amazing God works, I heard this radio section after I had left Wal-mart with my groceries. See, on my way down the road I kept passing all of these places to eat but nothing was appealing to me at the time. As another would pass I began to get a little bit more depressed at the fact that I did not have the money to do what I wanted to do in life, or eat the dinner I really wanted to eat. I decided that it'd be cheaper to spend the money on a bag of frozen strawberries and some bananas. I told myself that with that I can make my shakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner instead of cooking large meals and especially eating out. 'I'd rather use my [God's] money on that than fast food that I'll just have the same dilema come breakfast time', I said.

As I was walking out of Wal-mart I remembered the large box that had been wrapped at another Wal-mart location. I remember the sign posted in front of it asking for food donations to help families who may not be able to afford a Thanksgiving meal. I remembered that when I walked passed the giant box I looked down; expecting to see at least a few cans, I saw nothing. 'Perhaps they just put it out,' I thought and kept on walking. By the time I got to my car with my strawberries and bananas I had a question rumbling through my mind. 'Why do we always see signs asking for food donations or toy donations only around the holidays?' Aren't there people who eat the rest of the year too or do they only eat on holidays and that's why they need our help? It really bothered me how selfish I had been in past years, even now remembering how I responded when I saw that giant box empty. I know that I don't have much myself and it's "okay" if I didn't give a whole lot, but the point would've been to have given something.

In church we're supposed to give tithes and I was always taught that this was the amount that you were to give each Sunday to show your love for God and in support of His church. As I've grown older I find that I want to give more and more, but why? To show my love right? I mean that's what I just said that I always thought it was for. Well, yes, to show support and love and thankfulness. The truth is that no penny or dime that I budget is mine to keep anyways so shouldn't I be giving where I can to others just like God has done for me and we are to do for the church? I'm not talking strictly monetarily now. I'm talking about giving in general. The point is that when you roll through that fast food restaurant and get your Big Mac, be thankful for every seed on that bun because there is a family somewhere who only dreams of having the opportunity to even smell that "All-beef patty" and the dirty honest truth is that you don't deserve it any more than that other family does, but you've been given that opportunity so do your best to give thanks when you can.

I think perhaps my inspiring tale has turned into a rant, however, I was moved listening to that little bit on the radio because it was my reminder that I always have something to give and it's my job to give back because God has given to me. I am not strictly supposed to give to the church. No, all donations are seen by God and each time you are calling out, "Oh God! I love You THIS much!! Thank You Father for your protection and love."

So, I've decided that as a means of trying to change my life, change must start some where. For every dollar I spend at a fast food/restaurant I will match that amount and give it back to God, albeit monetarily, through donations, and/or through volunteer work. I will keep a log of every dollar amount and ask God for the opportunities to give that money back.

As I sit here, now, I am thankful; thankful for the taste of ironic freedom a few months ago, and thankful for the things that I have been able to afford with the grace of God.

"Father, I am in awe of Your excellence! Each day I am surrounded by reminders of who You are and how much You love us. Sometimes I know that words cannot begin to describe how grateful I am for You, for Your love, for Your wisdom and strength. I only ask that You search my heart, humble me, and lead to the opportunities where I can give You praise and to tell You just how much I love You. In Your heavenly name I pray, amen."

Saturday, October 30, 2010

The invisible woman

In light of Halloween I've chosen to write about my costume, or rather my not-so-desired apparel. I am the invisible woman this year. I haven't necessarily chosen it, but it has chosen me.

Father, in truth I don't know what to say. "Come as you are", they tell us, You tell us. What am I? Am I a disorder? Am I a daughter? Am I even a friend to anyone? When I get in this mode its not that I pull away on purpose, it's not that I'm angry at You, it's not that I'm prideful and think I can do it alone. It's because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to ask for. I don't know how to react or respond and I feel that either way I'm invisible; not to You of course, You truly love me. You're the only one that hasn't left me, neglected me, abandoned me. At times like these I feel so ungrateful for the life you've chosen for me. I'm confused by it though. I don't know what You expect of me, I don't know why I am the way I am or for what purpose. Today, more than anything else, I feel angry. When I ask myself why do I feel angry and know the immediate response. It's not because of everyone else, because of the Chris' of this world who just suddenly stop talking to me because I become irritating or annoying or uninteresting, it's because of my own thoughts of myself. I feel inadequate. I feel evil. I feel uninteresting and unpretty and everything I shouldn't feel. On the other hand I can tell myself that's not true, that I am simply because I'm Yours but then why is it that people surrounding me do not try to disprove those reels running through my brain? I'm angry because I really need human interaction, to have friends. I'm much better when I have someone or something to lean on, to help me laugh, to take my mind off of things, but no matter how hard I try I can't seem to find friends who won't just ditch me when I become irritating or uninteresting. Even my "church" friends can't make time for me but they make time for others in the church. What makes everyone else around me so much more than I am? Why is my life chosen to be of such loneliness and emptiness? Why must I always just rely on Your love to get through, to sometimes feel like I can barely make it? Am I asking for too much? I give them all my time, my love, my patience, my understanding, my forgiveness. When they think of fun things to do, they do not call me, they do not think of me, why Father? Why? For years I've struggled with this and I've taken it out on Steve and others because of my anger towards them having what I want. I try not to be envious but I know I'm wrong for being jealous. I am jealous. I want a family. I want a father and a mother who wants to do anything for me, to show me such love, to care so much, to be willing to sacrifice anything for me, to if nothing else want me in their lives, and who aren't too prideful to make the attempts. I want a family who makes time for me, to call me if I'm down, to just say "I love you" for no reason. To send cards and flowers 'just because'. Am I just not noticing these things? Is it me and my faulty think, my "imagined abandonment"? Or is it that these people in my life truly are just sitting and waiting for me to ask them, for me to reach out to them, and the whole time it's just that I will always and forever have to do all the work to get them to want to be with me, to hear me, to see me, to love me.

Am I asking a monumental request? Is it too much to ask for one friend? I know that I should not want it to be my husband. I know that relying on him means I'm dependent, which is a huge turn off and adds too much stress for him. He has his best friends, people he can talk to about anything, people who know when all he needs is a movie or new Warhammer stuff to take his mind off of things or to cheer him up. He has people who confide in him their problems. He's a good man and I am happy he has these things. I do not wish on anyone the loneliness I feel in trying to make people want me. Is that my fault? Should I not try? Should I stand proud each day at the mirror saying, "God is your friend and you don't need anyone else". I'm a human. I need human interaction. Why can't I find that? Have I not tried hard enough to reach out? Have I not shown enough love? Have I not been forgiving or understanding enough? Why Father?

Is it that my purpose is so great that I need not have friends but to still give to them as thow they'd do the same for me? Have they done the same for me and I've taken advantage of that, neglecting their needs, being selfish and a bad friend? Everyone walks away, loses interest, chooses something else.

Father, I don't know what to ask for but my heart is heavy and my shoulders tense. I am anxious and time has easily slipped away. I feel as though I'm failing you, failing myself, failing Steve. I feel pressure to do well at work because I cannot afford to lose my job and no one will help pick me up. I cannot afford to lean on anyone but myself and at times my knees grow weak and I am sick.

My prayer is for something I know nothing about. I continue to dig holes for myself not ever getting out. Am I getting better? Will I ever? Is it possible for me?

A dear friend of mine told me I bless others' lives. I miss him, rather that side of him; the side you used to help me along. For a little while it was easy, relaxed, fun. Father there is something I need but I'm not sure what it is. I ask that you take all of my dark areas away. I feel myself slipping and before I fall I ask for you to hold me up just a little longer. I know I shouldn't even be allowed to ask because I am ungrateful, I am what I am, but "come as you are" rings in my ears and what I am is broken. Father, please fix me, fix me.

In your most Holy name, amen.

Love,
Kathryn

Friday, October 29, 2010

Dr. Archie

Here's the thing...

I have no idea what my expectations are when I go and see Dr. Archie. Half the time I don't even know when I'm in hyper or hypoarousal mode. All I know is I'm sad, and tired, and exhausted with dealing with my emotions. I have these feelings inside of me and sometimes when I go and see you, Dr. I feel worse. I feel exposed. I feel like you wripped the bandage off but you have to wait until our next session to clean it out and then the next session to banadage it up again. Only each time I see you you just wrip off the temporary bandage I've put on myself in order to not get an infection. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to breathe half the time and now you tell me that I can't even establish what I am feeling let alone all the things I've tried to do thus far in order to get better, and I believed whole heartedly in each program that they simply weren't good enough and that's why I wasn't getting better.

You wanted me to explain my dark place, that place I go when you see me get sad and want to cry but I hold it back. That place no one truly will ever know because I fail at explaining the severity of that place. That place is a horrible, prison-like cell and most of the time I am shackled to the door.

I just don't know what to do, to think, to feel, to survive. I feel like a ball of chaos swirling inside of this horrible, dispicable carcus. I feel inadequate and unloved because I am truly stupid and unlovable.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Matthew 6:34

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for today is its own trouble." -Matthew 6:34

Boy it's that true! It seemed like all day yesterday I was worried about how today would go. Our store manager at Kirkland's has worked her final day and we are getting a new manager in. Not only are we getting a new manager, we're then getting another store manager from Kentucky or Tennessee who also "runs a tight ship" who will be training our new store manager, Jessica. While I'm excited for Alesa and her new adventure and excited for the new changes in our own store, I'm not excited for the added pressure to perform. I was just getting to a point where Alesa and Tabby had full confidence in my position as third key assistant manager. They would allow me to do pretty much whatever it was that I thought was necessary as far as the stockroom and the sales floor visuals, but now I'm just not sure that Jessica will have the same confidence. As hard as it is to leave life outside of work seperate from work, in my life it is especially difficult because with bipolar you must maintain a stable environment. While things like work or your work schedule, especially in Myrtle Beach, the retail capitol, are inevitable to change, something has to maintain a 'safe zone'. This 'zone' often is used for no stress or expectations what-so-ever. Right now I feel like my senses has been bombarded because I feel expectations from every part of my life, even in my home which I live by myself.

I know that with my condition I am supposed to do regualar things to keep me from going manic but at the same time in my home part of the reason I would hardly keep it as clean and spotless as most would like was because I liked having no expectations. I liked not having to do the dishes because I was afraid someone who came over would think I was a pig. I liked not always having to make my bed and I fear that now that Steve and I are trying to help each other that he'll see those things as signs of depression and mania that are simply just signs of me trusting there to be no expectations. I know that it's necessary to keep a clean house and often my "no expectations" mode at home doesn't spare room for then not being able to have company over due to the messy atmosphere. So, in this situation it's sort of become a catch twenty two. No one comes over which means no expectation of cleaning, which means no cleaning, which then results in no one coming over.

To add more stress I've decided to continue looking for another job. I've been applying to several jobs for a second job to counteract the hours I've lost at Kirklands. I love working there, however, and I'm scared that if I leave I won't have that safe environment anymore, which now that Alesa is gone, that environment has been changed, contaminated if you will. So, as loving and understanding of our needs God has thrown a great opportunity my way. Earthbound Trading Company is still looking for a Store Manager. I've applied thinking that my application would get thrown to the way-side, but low and behold the glory of God they're wanting to do an interview with me today at 11am. As the time started to tick away I can feel myself having all of these anxious feelings.

The best way to describe these feelings is that for the past four days that I've been off, I've been living in a fantasy land where it was all about nothing more than me and my husband getting along. Now that life has intermixed with that fantasy where we now have to add work and friends and cooking food, it feels overwhelming. I'm frustrated because it's like I didn't notice how I was acting until just now, which is just the kind of behavior that gets you hurt. I'm frustrated because I've missed spending so much time with him because of all of things that remained stuck between us that when I finally get a dose of it, bliss, I forget about everything else; work, my friends, my personal obligations and practices that have kept me sane thus far.

It frustrates me because then I feel like an idiot when I do get hurt, but not only then. I feel like that sort of right now, like that's the reason why I am the way I am, because I'm bipolar. See when it's controllable and I'm in my own world, doing things I have to in order to survive the day I feel like I'm in control of it, like I'm curing and regulating it. But when I forget about all of those things I started myself that did help me and allow Steve to be the only regulation I soon recognize that I'm not curing anything, I'm simply just going through the motions. It's hard to explain but it's inside me, it's my feelings, it's often my nightmare.

I know that I have to learn to stand up for what I know works for me. If I need time to take care of myself than I need to learn how to say that and not feel guilty like I've just lost a chance to spend time with him and now I'll never get it back. That's how I feel. Sometimes I don't feel like our marriage is forever; it feels like I have to go with the flow every chance I get because if I don't it might not ever happen again. To live your life like that creates higher expectations than you can meet, it creates a pressure of always having to make the right decision in an instant.

Even if I could deal with not standing up for all of those other things when we're together, I hate myself for falling away from God. I miss out on my faith because I'm willing to sacrifice that time spent with Christ for time spent with my husband. It truly should be the other way around and it's like there are parts of me that are better in control than others and that's one that takes control. It's frustrating because I dont' know how to stop it unless something bad is happening where it's easy to let go of him for Him. I feel bad because God deserves all of my attention all the time, not just when I'm sad or anxious or down.

I wish I just knew how to get rid of these parts of me or at least learn to control them better.

I'm sorry Father, You truly deserve more. I know what I'm doing and I'm not sure how to stop it. I'm confused all the time and I've been worried not only that I'll miss out on time spent with my husband, but time spent with You. It's like in this life I've been taught through the past few years that it has to be just one of you, not both. I want it to be both but I don't know how to make it. Father, I ask Your help in finding out how. Help me find those answers and steady my heart in the meantime. I ask forgiveness of my sins for I know I have hurt You. I love You and want to serve You! In Your heavenly name, amen.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

"Bring the rain"

As I was driving home from getting some dinner my train of thoughts drastically, rapidly, changed from earlier this morning. Today was a great day spent with my husband! I fell in love with him all over again simply because he is more than I could've asked for! Deep within his heart, beneathe the fear and doubt is a man that most who've known him his whole life never knew existed. I am thankful I've had the opportunity to not only see it, feel it, but to hold it in my heart and know that's the man that God wants him to be. Seeing bits of him, at his finest, I know that's why I fight.

Sometimes I think I'm such a fool for falling for people's crap. I know that makes me sound higher than mighty and possibly you wonder if I lump myself in with those who sit on pedestals. Let me assure you that if you truly knew me and my fears you'd know that what I think of myself isn't even close to a higher ground.

In my finest moments I'm overjoyed at being a christian wife. I have one of the best jobs in this world. I get to be as best as I can be a close representation of Jesus Christ; perfection. I get to strive for that higher ground, and hope for one day resting closely under His arms. I fight because I've seen bits, pieces of what will be one day.

This life is such a game, but isn't it a wonderful game when you know that you're going to win? How about that long drawn out game of monopoly that you used to play as kids? I swear that's why now you can find the game in what seems like over 100 different versions, but the game is still the same. You'll start with a fair amount of money, gamble your choices, end up in jail a few times, and possibly end the game a millionaire or bankrupt. With Jesus you'll never go bankrupt although sometimes the game, being so long, makes you feel that way. Life's gambling decisions can steal a person's hope, which is why it's so important to cling to what you believe. It's important to not only adopt that way of thinking and change life around it, but it's equally important to continue to make that decision everyday. We roll the dice, move our piece, take our chances until our turn is over.

Being human I often get lost in the game. I often find myself that piece that sometimes gets thrown around on the board, always just sort of in between. The start of the day was one of those kinds of rolls.

Anyways, as I drove home I heard a song that reminded me that someday the game will be over and even if I'm left with nothing, in my version of the game, I'll be rich because I'll if nothing else get to meet my savior on the judging block. This song brought me back to reality that my selfishness and doubt robbed me of earlier today. This life is meant to be lived for Him and if serving His will means taking turns where you risk the chance of going bankrupt, I gladly want to take that chance. I made that decision when I jumped in the water to be baptized and tonight I was reminded that's my purpose, if nothing else greater.

In this human life we all would like to think that we'll do such great things; we'll make a difference in the world, that our legacies will thrive for generations. Like Alexander the Great, or even Ghandi, or Rosa Parks, we all want the world (even just our own) to remember us for something. As my husband and I talked during this drive home he said something that made me think about the very fact that I am glad I am a christian. He said, "when you think of it that way no one really ever makes a difference in the world". He was saying that the world will continue to spin no matter who dies, because that's what God wants, but it made me think that yes, while our legacies here on earth might not last forever, our legacy in Heaven will. We are told in John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everylasting life." That's what I was reminded of on this drive home; that I want my legacy to never end because I want to be remembered by my loved ones as a good, faithful, loving, christian wife, who gave everything she had to worship God; to live to glorify His name. When I get to that judgment block I want my Father to look at me and tell me to rest now, for I am safe past His doors where my legacy will last forevermore with Him.

So, while our time here on earth may seem as long as a monopoly game one day it will be over but the difference is that I already know I'm going to win the game as long as I keep Him in mind when gambling my pieces.

The chorus is what stood out the most but it is the entire song that gave me the hope in knowing and in seeing the bigger picture.

Mercy Me-"Bring the Rain"

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
can circumstances possibly
Change who I am forever in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on You, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Chorus:
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
But suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

(chorus)

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord Almighty

"Blessed is the man who persevers under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." -James 1:12

God Bless,
Kathryn

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Long Overdue Reality Check

As you can tell it's been almost two months since I've posted anything. In truth it's because I've been scared to share my feelings. For fear that someone somewhere who knew me might bring them up one day; make assumptions about what I have written and blown my life out of proportion. I feared also that this blog meant nothing to anyone. While it should mean something to me, and when I started it I knew it wouldn't matter who was a 'follower' or if anyone commented, but that this blog was meant to act as my outlet. A physical ground where I could visit almost anytime, almost anywhere; to say what I wanted without fear of anything.

As became more about God I became more guilty about using it selfishly to just vent about me and my life and my problems. The harsh reality is while we're stuck selfishly on our own problems, we're oblivious to our need elsewhere in His kingdom. I find myself feeling guilty about this often. I try hard to push the feelings aside saying, 'it could always be worse' or 'I am one of the richest people I know simply because I am God's daughter with whom He chooses to share His fortune with'. I know that I am undeserving because I am merely a sinner. I know that my day of judgement will come and it will not matter how hard I tried to push down the feelings, God will see that they are still in my heart.

For this reason I chose a long time ago to always work through things. I once bought a box of small cards, about the size of a business card. On one side it had a random picture and on the other side it had a quote. The card in particular that I gave a friend when he was going through a tough time as well, read, "The best way to out is always through" by Robert Frost. At the time I knew my friend needed something to remind him that when things got tough to keep trucking along but as I began to recollect the quote I learned that for me it was meant more metaphorically. You see when I first started visiting Pam McClowskey of Recovery Ministries in Shelocta, PA it was for the support and counsel. The workbook I've mentioned before that we used focused on this very notion of working 'through' something, whether it be a timeframe, a past event, a feeling, emotion, or even an episode.

In order for me to work through things I must surrender everything to God. By the submittion of self and the powerlessness that my life had become unmanageable I complete the first step in recovery. It is saying simply "I can't". Second, in my process is having faith that there is something higher than me that can take my pain away from me. It's believing that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity. This step we used to say was the "He can" step. The third step is letting go. It's trusting fully in His power to heal. This has been by far the most difficult step I still find myself faced with. Day-in and day-out I am reminded by fears that want to be controlled in some way or another. Pam used to tell me that whenever I felt anxious to say to myself, '1,2,3. 1,2,3.' She told me to say it over and over and to recite a short prayer afterwards letting go completely.

When I think about my life right now and where I stand I know that going forward is a difficult task in itself, however when adding another party to your healing process it becomes even more difficult to do. You cannot only not control yourself or your own life, but you cannot control the outcome of their actions either. At times you feel helpless and abused when they lose sight of the bigger picture that this is recovery for at least me, even if not them. Perhaps it is easier for me to focus on the '1,2,3' step process when it is just me because I am not handed any extra information at the most random and most uncomfortable times. It's almost impossible to actually move forward and heal when the idea of accepting what is and isn't past is out of your control. So this has been my battle recently.

I know that because of this struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, trying and giving up, cold or caring, love or apathy has weakened my faith. More often than not while there is this other person involved who is doing things to hurt me, or to hurt them, or giving me that information randomly...I find myself depressive, bound, burdened by stress. I feel trapped and hopeless but guilty for feeling as such.

I've grown selfish and angry. Because of my selfishness it is part of why I am avoiding the truth right now. Avoiding what should be done or should be confessed. I am no better, just another sinner, but what parts me from this other party is my willingness to strive for perfection, to strive for what is right and fair on all accounts. So, it is why I came back to write God a letter that I've been avoiding shamefully for days.

Father God,
I know that I have prayed small prayers throughout my days here recently. I know that I haven't forgotten you nor tried to disrespect you, but I know that I didn't give you all of me either. I know that I have forfeited control of my current living situation with my husband and the opportunities with job offers and life in general, but I know that I've protected my heart even just that slight sliver. I don't pretend to assume that You did not know. You are all knowing, all seeing, all mighty. My hesitation was out of guilt and my fear out of shame. I have an angered heart. My love hasn't been kind, nor patient, nor endearing. It has been jealous and boastful and envious. I have not only allowed poison from hell to strangle my heart in which is Yours, but I have allowed it to drench my skin with sin. My mouth I have controlled a little, but not as much as I could've. You've given me answers to questions I've had and yet I continued to search. Recently, today, I have defiled my body in the worst possible way. I have shattered good thoughts in my head with images that have stained my memory. I took what wasn't mine for my own pleasure in spite of my husband. I have desired evil things and spoke of poisonous wishes.
I have wounded my loved ones as well as myself. Father, I am sorry. I know that I am still weak in some areas and strong in others, but I know that my worst offense is that I was prideful. Because of my pride I thought today that I could control my own mind again and push the evil thoughts out, inserting new thoughts. I know that I only ended up selfishly acting again in an attempt to wipe clean my own slate. I tried to pretend it didn't happen and I am sorry that I was foolish to think that for one second I could get away with it, fool myself.

I am thankful of Your might, Your wisdom that you have shared with me. It is because of Your strength that has lead me to push through yet again so that I may move forward in Your plan. Father I know not the plans You have for me. I am scared that I will disappoint You, but I am hopeful You will see me through. Father I thank you for the gifts you have given me, the gift of knowing all sides to love and misfortune. I pray and ask for your forgiveness. I know that I do not deserve your grace but I ask selfishly anyway. Father I love you and with all of me I give to You now, every part I hand to You. From the tops of my nails to the veins in my heart; take it all and do with it what You will. I am yours forevermore. In your heavenly most awesome name, amen.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Gratitude

Boy, isn't God just AMAZING? He's working so hard through all of us and its so gratifying to be able to see that work being done in not only yourself and the "coincidences" around you, but in someone you love and care for as well. As I've said before that God will continue to work through us, however, in order to truly be living in His righteousness we have to prepare ourselves and ready ourselves for His wisdom to be instilled in us and for that, this morning, is why I'm so thankful! Don't get me wrong, without the love and grace of God it wouldn't be possible, but without the willingness of that person it wouldn't be as possible or effective.

Following in Steve's footsteps this morning I chose to get out of bed and immediately be with God as well. Most mornings I find myself not really sticking to a routine in which I either hit the shower or get on the computer first, but for the past week or so I haven't prayed in the mornings immediately like I've done before. So, I thankful for the leadership and inspiration to get up and do that this morning.

It was because of the inspiration that God sent me another one of His valuable lessons. One of my biggest "temptations", I guess you could say, is my lack of patience. Some times I have the ability to be very patient, but choose to let my fears and lack of trust in God and the other people involved get ready me to just do it myself. Perhaps this comes from my childhood or from my willingness to trust even though I've been burned, regardless, I am thankful for that as well. I'm thankful that each day God allows more opportunities to happen in order to practice another level of patience and trust.

Just yesterday I was worried and terrified that this was all a joke and that Steve wasn't really serious about wanting to be with me or get rid of his own sin problems in order to make our family whole again. I wasn't trusting of him or his abilities and I put too much stress on my own. After he left from dropping off some Juice Plus powder (for my morning shakes, which he didn't have to do, especially in giving me the new stuff and taking the older powder for himself) I fell into that dark place that I'd seen so many days before. I was sad because he was leaving, because I had to share him, because I was alone with no plans or friends of my own. It wasn't a lack of encouragement or proof that he genuinely cared for my well-being, it was simply that I allowed satan to attack me right then and I gave into to him. While I took a shower I began to cry because I was worried, so terrified. I cried out "God, please God. I'm scared! I'm so scared! I'm scared because I don't know if this is real or just fake again. I don't know if no one wants to be around me because of me or my illness. I just don't feel strong, like I know anything. I know that I need to practice patience and that I can't take this into my own hands and start making things happen instead of You. So, I give it to you. I give you the problems, I give you my husband, I give you those people who've said they want to be my friend and family. Lord, I'm trusting You even when I am afraid."

After my prayer and plea I picked myself up off the side of the shower and wiped my tears and continued with my shower. Afterwards I took a nap and I'd be lying if it wasn't hard to not do anything else. I think a part of me knew that if I got on the computer and started to e-mail people to try and help us find the money to pay for the treatment that we both wanted that I wouldn't be trusting God. Maybe by me sleeping it kept me busy and gave me the energy to keep going the rest of the night.

Not only did God show me last night that I can trust Him and trust His work through me and my Steve, but He showed me again today. It reminds me of a fortune stick that I got a while back, just before Steve decided that he wanted to help before. It had said, "You're heart will get what it desires." I remember thinking before Steve came around that it had to mean him and that our plans of renewing our vows was going to happen. I began to fantasize about what that would be like the second time around and for a little while I was glad that God had shown me my future and gave me something to look forward to. And while Steve was around I was glad because it was true, because I wasn't crazy for believing in a little stick, that it could come from God. But after Steve left again, I remember how I felt. I felt embarassed, ashamed, betrayed, disappointed, and tricked by that little stick. I was so angry at myself because it was plain and clear that I would get what my heart desired, which at the time was Steve, and I blew it...again. My fears blew it because I scared him away and that was my second chance, my saving grace from God and I blew it. But here's the greatest part...I didn't.

I think that the message on the stick was correct in that I will get my heart desires, but it doesn't mean solely one thing, or one person. I think it's a message for me to remember that timing and patience is everything in God's eyes. Just like today through the message He shared with me.

After my wonderful text message from Steve, which in itself had SO much to be thankful for, I wanted to make him proud by going to God as well. I wanted to because I knew I should, and I knew that I'd been missing the mark with God lately and that I needed to simply make the time, before anything else.

So, I began to read in Romans chapters 5 and 6. It's funny because I'd started reading a single passage in Romans 5 a few days ago when I was researching different areas of the Bible that spoke of character and patience. It begins with Romans 5:1-4 saying, "Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, be we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character hope."

At first when I read this the other day I focused on how it tells us if we can endure the troubles than we can find our hope through the character and wisdom that God strengthens in us. Today when I read back over the words I focused more in the words "glory in tribulations". Today, instead of finding inspiration and joy in knowing that I was going to become stronger in character if I kept on fighting, but rather took more joy in knowing that I should be glad through the tribulations because they, themselves are hopeful. I'm reminded that often when it feels like nothing seems to be going right, than that often means that satan is trying ten times harder to get you down because your strength and faith are stronger than he wants them to be.

As I continued to read on through the chapter and into chapter six which spoke more on the gift of righteousness I was struck with another inspirational passage. Actually, the entired chapter six I found very inspirational.

....to be continued.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Patience

Remember that I said in my last blog that I still had to write the rest of the blog before that; the one about patience? Well, I'm thinking that now is the best opportunity for me to do that. God really showed me today the importance of being slow to anger, not let my fears take over me, and to above all be quite and patient.

I started out this day mildly wrong. I woke up from a bad dream and before I could allow myself time to pray (#1 wrong choice) I let the fears and worries sink in. What did I do? I went immediately to the computer and started to e-mail (#2 wrong choice). Instead of giving encouragement I opened my mouth and wrath came out. I wasn't as hurtful as I could've been and in some ways maybe I wasn't hurtful at all, but I was wrong in sending the e-mails. I may not have been wrong about what needed to be said, but perhaps I was the wrong one to say it. I should've stopped, looked, and listened like I knew I should've done. If I had I would've heard God say, "Katie, you're being tested by satan. He's testing your strength by using the one person, with the one horrible thing, that gets to you the most. You've got to hold fast and be strong my daughter. You can't let him get to you like that because once he does, no matter how hard you try, he'll dig even deeper to try and tear you a part from you soul mate. Do you want that?"

A while back I pulled one of those infamous fortune sticks that I've talked about before. I appreciate that stick so much because it was a reminder that I speak so much louder with my words when they are negative than positive and much like weight management, it takes a lot longer to get rid of the weight of a negative comment than it does adding on the encouragement through positive comments. You can send positive after positive but all it takes is one negative to strike the core and all those little positives come tumbling down.

God also humbled me today and really put me in my place because I was starting to climb up that high horse again. As I'm sitting here thinking, I'm reminded of my own words just a few days ago that ALL of us are sinners and that ALL of us are going to be judged. If I'm not supposed to judge someone's choices because they're equivalent to my own. God sees no difference, sin is merely sin in His eyes. So today, we both sinned and it didn't matter what the difference was.

The only reason the choices and sin of someone else hurts is because you love that person and satan knew that by using them he was able to get to you. That's what he did to me this morning. He gave me bad dream set with characters from my fears and then he used me, through my language and negative encouragement to tear down someone I love dearly.

I hope that this afternoon we were able to counteract his efforts by forgiving each other and not judging each other for their choices of sin, but that's besides the point.

I'm just glad that He showed me this lesson, that he humbled me because this is something that is a constant struggle for me. Sometimes I simply just need to listen to my fortune stick when it reads, "You are aggressive. Be quiet and listen today."

Monday, August 30, 2010

God's Butterflies


I know that I have still yet to finish my last blog but I wanted to immediately come home and write about this amazing experience that God has presented before me!

As I was headed out to the bank to put a down payment on my birthday present I was excited to see the beautiful yellow butterflies that flew in front of the car. "What a perfect day", I thought as I drove on. The wonderful weather, the bright sun; not too much heat, not too much humidity. It's marvelous.

As I'm driving along I hear a wonderful sermon on the radion (89.5 His Radio). Pastor Ron Vietti, of the Valley Bible Fellowship, was talking about how we can't change our behaviors without changing our character. The point he was trying to make was just that, that if we're trying to live a Christ-centered life than we can't do that unless we first #1 peel off our old self and become a new babe in the eyes of Christ through baptism. We then can't expect to see changes if we aren't willing to change our cores, our characters. He tells us that we sin and will continue to sin unless we change our ways and that doesn't mean just simply changing our behaviors. He says that God sets the bar with perfection, but we know that as humans we can never reach perfection, however, that we should strive to reach it in this life or the next because the consequences of not trying, of giving up are far too great to risk. We can read these accolades through the beautiful proclaimations found in Psalm 119 and several other places in the bible.

After paying the deposit I hopped back in the car and found myself listening to yet another wonderful message, however, this one was through the teachings of Brother Chris Engrim from livingontheedge.com. It was through this lesson that I reached another defining moment in which I knew I had to come home and write about it. He passionately talked about our actions and behaviors and what they would be if we only had seven days to live. As I listened I asked myself, what would I do if I had only seven more days to live? Would I have been on Facebook checking status' and comments? Would I be on hulu.com watching one of my favorite television shows? Would I spend my time sleeping because the stresses of life were too much to bare? He talked about procrastination and time management so that we can ensure our lives are whole and just through God, focused on Him ALWAYS!

What I've learned is that it's much like the life of those beautiful butterflies I kept seeing fly around my car as I drove to and from home. Perhaps that was God's message to me, that I really look to see what sin is in my life that I need to change in order to draw closer to him. In Pastor Ron's lesson he talked about an article he'd read in a newspaper here recently. He said that there was an 18 year old girl who was reported missing for 8 days after she disappeared from a party in Washington state. He said that when the reporters talked to the parents they presumed that she was dead because no one had heard of anyone living after 8 days of no food or water; the parents and town thought she was dead. He said that somehow a woman in the church in the same town read this article and began to pray for God to help her find this girl. She said that she had dream after dream of God telling her where to look in the woods for this girl and finally He told her to "GO! Find her!" So the woman took her daughter and went to the spot that she'd seen in her dream. When they were there she said she prayed for God to help the girl cry out to them so that they would know where she was and as they called out "We love you", the girl answered "I'm here. I think I'm in trouble because I broke curfew."

He talks about the point of checking our character is because the closer we are to God, the better He can use us. And the less sin there is in our lives, the better we are able to hear His message. He said that after a while if we allow sin to be in our lives, without footing it out each time we sin, it will start to cloud our judgement and will drown out the message that God's trying to put within us.

As I said before it reminded me those beautiful butterflies. Aren't we, God's children, ALL mankind His butterflies? Don't we all start as something so tiny and unseen into a beautiful butterfly that can and will gladly, joyfully spread its wings? In fact once a butterfly reaches the caterpillar state it grows to about 27,000 times the size it was when it first emerged from its egg. Isn't that God's will for us, to strive to grow 27,000 times larger than what we were at the beginning?

I also learned that the wings of butteflies are actually transparent and that their wings are made of irredescent scales that overlap like shingles on a roof to form a colorful wing. Isn't that God's beautiful design in us? He gives us layer after layer of unique and individual design which vibrantly could only have been created through His nourishment? Butterflies also learn how to taste with their feet and that they do not have mouths that bite or chew. "Tasting with our feet? Ew! And how in the world are we supposed to talk on the phone with no mouth?" Well, what if instead of literal we saw it as God wanted us to use our feet for the nourishment of our bodies, instead of our mouths. I think the power in this statement is in our actions. We can't just say we're christian or that we love God. Our nourishment, our strength, comes in seeking Him through our actions.

Lastly, may we see the beauty in God's design by knowing that the buttefly does not spin it's own cocoon as moths do often weaving with silken threads, however the caterpillar sheds its final skin to reveal a pupa. The pupal stage is only found in holometabolous insects, those that undergo a complete metamorphosis, going through four life stages; embryo, larva, pupa, and imago, which is often referred to as the mature or adult stage. Now, once the caterpillar sheds its final skin to reveal the pupa, the outer skin hardens to form a chrysalis which protects and hides the amazing transformation that is occurring inside.

Isn't that amazing; God's amazing plan for us can be seen through the beautiful transformation of a butteflies life!

In examining my own life and my own sin and really taking a look at the areas that are holding me back I'd like to end with a short prayer.

Dear Father,

Oh how beautiful and amazing your design for this world! I thank you with a heart full of gladness the ability to view such wonderful creations! Father, I close my mouth, humble myself, and simply ask that You search my heart and soul and help me see the areas where I have been wrong, where I have been delaying my own transformation and denying Your nourishment. Father, I thank you for the constant love and strength that you continue to give me each day, Father help me become Your butterfly.
In all your glory I pray through Christ's name,
Amen.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Patience

Today, I've got one thing on my mind. One idea that I just can't seem to understand and maybe the riddle of life is that we aren't supposed to understand everything. God's ways are His ways anyway and I get that. I get that we're not supposed to understand everything but we're supposed to hope, and love, and fear Him.

The past few days has been a whirlwind of emotion all over again. I've got from blissful, to manic, to depressive, to happy, to just plain okay. It's been an irratic and uncontrollable and I've realized more than anything today a few things.

Number one, sometimes it's easier to give advice than it is to truly retain it and use it yourself. In my last post I talked about how God's timing is perfect but I also talked about those defining moments where you are environmental, physically, emotionally, and spiritually forced to make a decision that's going to "define" how you live your life after that. Because God is such an amazing Father we get ample opportunities to make, what seems like the same choices over and over if we don't choose wisely the first time. He's a giver of opportunities and multiple chances...why? The simple answer is because His love for us is beyond any measure of doubt. He sent His son while we were all still sinners and while we all hated Jesus, He died for us. Maybe because we hear this story told over and over we aren't fully able to really take it in. It's not just a story in a book that some guy wrote a long time ago and we doubt ever truly existed. It's real as if it were today. And maybe because we hear it so much it's to be a reminder of such. Regardless, that's not the first point I'd like to make. Recently, my faith and love for God has been tested beyond measures and while I've fallen short on several occasions, ultimately I've chosen Him yet again. I believe that throughout my life God has given me numerous opportunities to stand up for myself and my beliefs, to have that push that I needed to enter that next part of the journey. Last night was sort of the last straw and it became more clear to me that's what was happening.

Satan was using the most important person in my life, the closest to my heart against me, and he was trying to destroy my faith. It's what he does best, but this seemed more tricky than he's ever been before, to which I can only assume his own fears of losing me. It's funny because a couple of nights ago I remember going to bed and saying, "bring it on satan, bring it on". He definitely listened and brought on more than I could possible take, but with the help from God's wisdom through a friend and scriptures and my heart I didn't crumble. Last night I had my defining moment and although it may seem small to some, or selfish to others, or fears to others, for me...it was the moment where I excelled in the next chapter of my life. It was extremely scary because I'm afraid that I'll lose that person that means the most to me, but at the same time I can't sacrifice myself or my own faith just to keep that person. I'd be doing no glory for God, no justice for myself, and nothing for that other person.

The second thing I wanted to talk about has to do with the first. Giving, or at thinking you give more than others give you. What I've begun to read in my 12 Steps book is that sometimes these are flaws that develop from a dysfunctional family growing up that has translated into unhealthy thinking that make you either think that people are just out to get the good guy, or to think that you're better than someone else because you self-sacrifice or whatever. From listening to Jay, pastor of Grand Strand Church of Christ, God tells us that we are ALL on equal ground and that we ALL are going to the judgement. This concept and idea is so humbling to me because thinking about it I'm reminded that my peers, the ones who choose to ignore me instead of reaching out and encouraging, or the people at work who choose to live a different life from mine, with different religious backgrounds...we are ALL on equal ground and we are ALL going to be judged one day. Maybe I'm rare in this thinking but at the same time I'm flawed too. I can judge as well but when I think about the fact that a gay friend or a murder or a rapist out in the world today...I try my best not to be hurt or offended by their actions because number 1 they were innocent babies too, number 2 they are humans who've chosen a different path than I, and number three they aren't wrong if they truly haven't found the right path yet. That path is God and Jesus Christ and it's our job to help them find it, with the wisdom and glory He gives to us to help them find it. It's not our job to judge or shame or condemn them. So this second topic isn't only directed towards the "worst of the worst" if you choose to look at it that way, it's directed towards all sinners, including myself and the sincerity of our intentions to edify and encourage others, not because we're the good guys and one day we'll be blessed because of it, but because we are children of God and this is our job, this is what we're paid for and if you're paid with nothing less than life with no riches but you have faith that God is Lord and Almighty than you're the one of the riches in the world, I'd say. So, when I get frustrated because I send a mass text to friends edifying and encouraging them to have a wonderful day it should be because I'm doing my job and not because I expect them to reach out to me when I'm sad. This is often where I am wrong and where I need to practice patience, which brings me to third topic I'd like to talk about.

However, I have to start getting ready for work so I'm going to go and I'll write more later after work. Thank you for taking the time in reading this post and my hope is that something in this blog has pierced your heart, giving you the notion to open your eyes and see that there just might be a defining moment right around the corner, waiting to be made. May I encourage you to fight the fears and take that first step; we'll do it together.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Brooke Christl- "Beautiful Me" Photoshoot!

Cross your fingers that I contacted Betty, office manager for Brooke Christl Photography in time because if so that means I'm DOING THE BEAUTIFUL ME PHOTOSHOOT!!!!!!! Yay! This is huge because not only is this something that I've wanted to do for a while but it's the only thing I wanted for my 25th birthday in October! I didn't think it would happen because of money but they lowered the price so now with this special deal I'll be saving $200 AND the photos will be ready for my birthday! Yay! I'm so excited but like I said, 'cross your fingers'!

Just had to share!

Friday, August 27, 2010

"The Poor Man's Hollywood"

It's been a few days, alright, it's been since Monday that I've written and so far I haven't quite kept up with my end of the bargain have I? I set out to write every day and I've obviously fallen short, but tonight I'm reminded that it's okay. It's okay sometimes to fall short of your goals, especially when you can find your resolve to get back up and strive again.


I'm in the middle of reading some very real and interesting information that's really going to, and is helping me understand more about myself. I'm learning the ins and outs of my illness and really learning when to take proactive steps to prevent hurtful symptoms that are truly, uncontrollable.


What I mean is that I'll always have this illness inside of me, which is the 'uncontrollable' part, but what I can control are my own preventative measures that surround this condition and truly that surround life. I know that I cannot control my environment such as the weather or what peers think and do, but I can control how I will react to the unknown. Instead of fearing it God lets us know that He is there and to rest on Him through our doubts so that we may pass through that barrier of fear and know that there is hope. He tells us to trust in Him when we are afraid, weak, and weary of life.


While I was on break from this book I've been reading I went down to the laundry room to switch my clothes over to the dryer. At first I was motivated to come straight home and pick back up where I left off in my book. I felt like there was a pressure in getting as much information as possible tonight, but God had other plans.


Remember last week I wrote about a man by the name of Jamie Simms? He was the author who started talking to me while I was at work one day about his life and his tribulations. Well, God did it again.


I wasn't able to catch her name but she had the sweetest eyes I've seen in a while. They were the palest of blue, which seemed to compliment her translucent skin. Her face was no doubt worn from the years but her skin looked soft and pure, wholesome and healthy might be better words. She looked so delicate.


As I began loading a load of white clothes into the washer she began talking to me about the weather and how she'd moved here from Florida partially because she'd heard that the weather wasn't as hot. At this comment I began to chuckle knowing that if I've learned anything from 15 years in Myrtle Beach, it's that the weather, specifically the humidity, isn't as comforting as some of the tourist would hope for; unless you have very dry skin, in which the humidity would help that tremendously. Still, I stood there thinking "yeah, no kidding!"


As she began to tell me about her recent desire to change her surroundings I became more interested in her words. I thought, I could certainly appreciate when she'd said, "when you find out that you're sick you just realize that you don't want to be alone anymore so you change it". She didn't talk about what was wrong with her, which I thought was refreshingly different considering we live in a world where most people take a victimizing stance on life, where everything just seems to happen to them and that allows them to act the way that they act, or be the people they choose to be. Well, yes, you can choose to be someone who sits with self-pity or you can choose to be someone who makes their own set of circumstances instead of letting the uncontrollable define you as a victim. It became clear that she was the latter.


She'd chosen to research her options and retirement facility in VA, where she'd originally lived before moving to Florida. She went on to tell me about all of the perks of living in such a facility that provides care for the elderly and disabled. They have their own grocery market and library/computer lab. They provide services such as grocery shopping, laundry, and cleaning services. They provide a bus to transport and set up "trips" to travel the local areas, and Wal-mart if necessary, on-site physical therapists, and personal pharmaceutical deliveries. From her excitement it was clear that she has grown very passionate in relocating to this particular facility and has made that decision to change her surroundings in order to become the healthier, happier person that she wants to be. She's gotten to that point in her life when she knows she's getting older, she knows she wants change, she knows she wants acceptance, and she knows she's the only one that's going to make it happen for herself, just like her decision to leave Florida.


"The poor man's Hollywood", as she'd named the state of Florida. Her description of Floridians seemed spot on in some areas, but in others were a little too judgemental. She'd said that the whole place just seemed like they were trying too hard to be something that they weren't. She said that they weren't nice in that "they went out of their way to be rude". She used words such as "aggressive", "fake", "showy", and even "unsophisticated". She explained that most people she'd seen did things that just weren't right or moral for humans to do, like drinking on the job, or an employee smashing glass bottles in the super market parking lot. "A lot of drinkers and partiers", she'd said. She said that a lot of people drove nice cars but they didn't have any money and that they just had this sort of better than everyone attitude about life. She said that the aggressiveness was ultimately the last straw in her decision to move here.


Of course I bare no judgement on Floridians because I, myself, haven't really had bad experiences with Floridians, however, I have not lived there. In fact, one of Steve's best friends of 15 years has lived in Florida for quite some time, which on one level made me snicker at some of the words she'd chosen to use because they were the same words I would've used to describe him. Regardless, my judgement remains mute simply for the fact that I know that people all have different opinions and perceptions of life in general.


It's not so much that it's Florida, the state, but rather the times in life when things are aggressive and uncontrollable. When life around you is seemingly so uncontrollable that it can put you in such a state of depression, but that it doesn't have to. There is hope that there is something that you can control, especially in the midst of chaos.


I think the importance of this experience was that she got to a point in her life where she realized that something wasn't working for her and she knew and took the responsibility of taking that next step to change it. I admired that about her because even in her rant she never once gave me the indication that she was proud of such an achievement. That's not to say that she's not happy with her decision or proud that she changed her life, because I'm sure she is, but she wasn't boastful about it. There was a certain sense of control, and ease in her actions, a comfort in knowing that she was alone and that she did have the strength, regardless of her circumstances.


A few days ago something miraculous happened. Actually, a few amazing things happened in my own life that has brought me admiration for meeting this woman in the laundry room. A few days ago I started a bible study called "Soul Shaping: Disciplines that conform you to the image of Christ". It's written by Tim Wilson and was a gift I'd received last year for Christmas. In the beginning of chapter one of this study the author talks about not only the value of God's impeccable timing but also those defining moments that we experience in life. A defining moment is "a critical juncture when you must make a decision that will have significance ramifications for the future direction of your life".


First, I'd like to acknowledge the value of God's impeccable timing in sharing with you one of the stories the author used.


"Timing is everything


The period of the judges was the "wild, wild West" of biblical times, featuring battles between Israel and its enemies, the Moabites, the Philistines, the Amalekites, and the Ammonites. One of the judges, Samson, exercised great feats of strength. This colorful character used the jawbone of a donkey as a weapon to defeat the Philistines (see Judges 15:15) and killed a lion with his bare hands; later he returned and ate honey from its carcass (see Judges 14:6-9). Another judge, Gideon, was the youngest son from the weakest family in Manasseh; yet God used him to defeat the Midianites and the Amalekites. Under God's direction he whittled down the army from 22,000 to 300 troops before they attacked and defeated the Midianites with trumpets, fire, and swords (see Judges 7).


Another judge of Israel was Deborah (see Judges 4:5). I know I am stating the obvious, but Deborah was a woman. Many people have the mistaken notion that God is seist. Perhaps they are confusing the Bible's cultural setting with its message. While much of Scripture is set in a repressive culture, the Bible's message is liberating, showing the value of all human life. All people are created in God's image-men and women alike. Furthermore, all have sinned and fallen short of God's glory. The apostle Paul gave the definitive word on all humanity's equality before God when he wrote, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nore female: for yea are all one in Christ Jesus." (Gal. 3:28, KJV).


Deborah was more than just a judge. She was the only judge described as a prophetess'. Like Moses before her, she spoke to the people for God during a difficult time in their history. God didn't choose Deborah as a judge and a prophetess to be inclusive. HE chose the best person for the job, and she excelled in it.


The times demanded a strong leader. The people of God were captives in Canaan under Jabin, the king of Canaan, and Sisera, his commander. General Barak and his army were doing nothing about the situation, so Deborah summoned him to her court and said to him, "Hasn't the Lord, the God of Israel, commanded [you]: 'Go, deploy [the troops] on Mount Tabor, and take with you 10,000 men from the Naphtalites and Zebulunites'?" (see Judges 4:6).


Deborah took a no-nonsense approach with Barak: she called him out for his laziness, fear, and doubt, demanding that he account for his inaction. She reminded him that God had already promised that He would lure Sisera and his army into a location where Israel's army would prevail against them. Barak agreed to go but only if Deborah would go with him. She consented to go into battle with Barak, but she warned him that his conquest would be void of honor and that he would not defeat Sisera. God would use a woman to do that.


Timing was everything. They needed to launch the attack at just the right time. How would Deborah know when to attack? Ten thousand men followed Barak into battle, while Sisera brought nine hundred iron chariots to the theater of operations. Barak followed Deborah, and Deborah followed God. She depended on Him to know when the time was right.


When the time was right, Deborah told Barak to attack. Timing was everything. They needed the element of surprise. Deborah relied on God to give her the wisdom she needed to discern the proper time to give the attack order.


When the army of the Lord descended on Canaan's army, the Lord confused the enemy, and the Lord's army was triumphant. It destroyed everyone except Sisera, who left his chariot and fled on foot to find sanctuary in the home of a friend. The friend's wife welcomed him into their tent and offered him something to drink. Exhausted, he asked her to stand watch for him while he got some sleep. As he drifted off, he didn't know that he would never awake. Using a tent stake, the woman killed him in his sleep. Meanwhile, Barak, filled with confidence from the battle, led a hunt for Sisera. When Barak arrived at the tent, Heber's wife showed Barak Sisera's dead body. As Deborah had prophesied, God used a woman to defeat Sisera. "That day God subdued Jabin king of Canaan before the Israelites. The power of the Israelites continued to increase against Jabin king of Canaan until they destroyed him" (see Judges 4:23-24). God's timing was right.


Again, a defining moment is a critical juncture when you must make a decision that will have significant ramifications for the future direction of your life. Albeit a woman who needed to move out of an aggressive atmosphere to find a sense of friendship, community, and peace; or a woman who chooses to let God define her life and behaviors instead of a mental illness; or a man who enters the battle of recovering from years of addiction. The hope is knowing that God's timing is right!








Monday, August 23, 2010

Random

Right about now I feel like I'm eating everything in sight like some goat or something. What is going on? AHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

In other news....I've got 24 more ounces of water to drink and 15 minutes until my challenges for today are complete! Yay!

Daily Challenge: 1

Today I'm going to challenge myself to drink 8-8 ounce glasses of water. I'm usually very good about drinking water, however, lately I've been drinking apple juice and cranberry juice, which isn't too bad considering it's not like soda. I've finished my cranberry juice and I want to focus on drinking more water again. So today, 8-8 ounce glasses of water!

My second challenge for today will be staying off of Facebook for the remainder of the night. I know, it doesn't seem like it should be much of a challenge but everytime I connect with the internet I find myself checking both e-mails and immediately after, my facebook. So, to limit my usuage and to discipline myself I will be challening myself to no Facebook for the rest of the day.

My third challenge today will be limited text messaging to one person in particular. Nothing against this person or texting, however, it's a similar situation as Facebook. I need to discipline myself, again, to think beyond only wanting to communicate with this person. I've got to remember to protect my heart and at the same time be kind, patient, and understanding.

Those are my challenges today.

Week One: A Spiritual Journey: A Working Guide to Healing

A couple of posts ago I talked about a workbook that I had begun working through during my time spent in Shelocta, PA. In that recent post I aslo talked about using my blog as my accountability partner and small support group. Starting with this blog I'll summarize Week One through Week Four before I begin work on each Step.

In the last blog that I wrote I talked about the preparation and readiness that we must have in order to be useful to God's will. Such is this journey we're beginning as well. If you think about a company that usually hires from outside their regular employees most will agree that the sole purpose is to train a fresh mind.

Some of the benefits of working a workbook like this, twelves steps, helps to reclaim our birthright as children of a compassionate God. We were created in His image and have the gift of free will. The journey we are about to begin is intended to awaken us to God's grace and give us opportunity to experience peaceful and productive living. Feelings of unworthiness, anxiety, and inferiority diminsh and are replaced by spiritual strength and virtues. Focusing on our new relationship with God transforms our obsessive need for other people's approval. Our attention is, instead, captivated by the promise of new life in Christ. Ask yourself, What personal need brings you to this meeting or step study? Describe your practice of prayer, Bible reading, or quiet time.

The twelves steps takes us from a life of confusion and grief to a place of peace and serenity-one day at a time. Many changes will happen, however, they will not happen all at once. This process will take time, devotion, and patience. God, in His time, instills in us the strength of character that only comes from a healthy relationship with Him. Describe your present spiritual condition.

Because of the chaotic conditions of our childhood, we developed behaviors that now sabotage and assault the successful management of our lives as adults. Having grown up in emotionally repressive families, we became accustomed to denying our pain and discomfort. Most of us found it necessary to shut down our feelings and keep everything locked inside. We learned that expressing our own wants and needs caused rejection. This rejection stimulated intense feelings of inadequacy. Recall one painful incident from childhood.

In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensate for our repressed feelings by doing things to extreme. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood-altering substances such as drugs and alcohol. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feeling? How do these behaviors affect the rest of your life?

The healing process begins when we look honestly at ourselves. We see the chaotic conditions of our lives as a result of not being prepared for adult relationships and responsibilities. God has given us free will. We can choose several ways of relating to the people and events in our lives. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Some of us were taught to believe that, if we are Christians, our lives will "automatically" be in order, and we will experience peace and serenity. Yet many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Time, patience, and commitment to God's principles and ways are required to change. And our Christian experience doesn't magically erase the pain or consequences of the past. Instead, our faith empowers us to live life according to God's will.

For Christians who suffer from and addictive disease, or who are the product of a family with addictive traits, the Church's message can sometimes be perceived as shaming. This can keep a person from seeking recovery. There is rarely confusion, however, when the Church's message is honesty. The Bible modeled this honesty by documenting the strengths and weaknesses of God's people. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean that we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfection means we need God, and that's OK. True recovery begins as we work the spiritual principles embodied in the twelve steps. It is most easily accomplished when we acknowledge our need for help, comfort, and courage to face our problems.

Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendency to deny your need for healing.

Standing before the Lord and seeking his healing grace does not automatically relieve us of the conseqences of our past behavior. We do find, however, that by asking God for help in facing our old behaviors, we are able to begin the work of change and healing. Diligently seeking God's will for us and working the material in this book enables us to reexamine our relationship with God. With the help of God's grace we experience changes in our unwanted behaviors such as people pleasing, repressed anger, obsessive thinking, or inappropriate sexual behavior. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.

What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow?

With God's power, the twelve step program can be a tool to relieve our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.

Hope for the broken hearted

As I promised here I am, writing. When I thought about writing earlier I didn't really think of what to say, so I just decided to think a little bit more about the inspiration to my blog post for today. It wasn't necessarily that I was out of ideas but rather that I had too many. As it often goes I had to organize my mental filing cabinet, deciding where the ideas were going to go before anything could actually make it in the files. Yeah, maybe that metaphor was a little too comlex for this time of night. haha.

Either way, I'm here.

I wanted to write about a simple prayer I'd had for the past few nights actually, which first I must say that I used to think that prayers worked like throwing coins in the wishing well where if you tell someone what you wished for it wouldn't come true. I've since realized that prayer isn't quite the same. Recently, I've started to pray that God mold me and make me into an able body to better serve His will. I've realized that through the past few months I couldn't help others the way that I was supposed to because I was so selfishly caught up in my own injuries to truly help with theirs. I know now that it's necessary for us to go through certain circumstantial situations in order to truly have the tools to not only sympathize but empathize and encourage others.

I also wanted to write about the broken-hearted and how such a little "word" could bring so much meaning and fullness to that of a broken heart. Hope. You see it was through my prayer to God that He was able to show me my hope. My hope in the purpose and plan He had for me, the hope in the beauty of my circumstances, the hope for the future anew.

Yesterday was a relatively great day! I really couldn't complain too much because I'd slept for so long, which made me feel like I'd caught up and was rested well enough to get through the night at work. I'd also taken the opportunity to enjoy lunch with a special friend of mine which was nice just getting to know another person for no other reason than to simply add to the knowledge of human behaviors and pure love and concern for their well being. As I went to work, positively being proactive with my mood by listening to my K-LOVE 88.9 in the car I started to think about the possibilities in my life again. I quickly became inspired to truly get going in my own healing process because time is so impatient.

Not only ten minutes was I at work and a man by the name of Jamie Simms came in to our store very interestingly. I had been at the front of the store greeting new guests in and out and as I was talking with another employee I was interested to see why this particular man had been standing closely as if he needed something. So I asked if there was anything I could help him find and as I walked towards him I felt such an urge to talk with him. He wasn't a particularily "interesting" looking man, but there's was just something about him that I knew I needed to talk to him because he was someone of importance. I departed from the employee and we began to talk about the Halloween decorations a certain pumpkin he'd been searching for since his last visit to our store. I was quick to show him where the item was located and he began to tell me about himself. As he walked through the front door I remember wondering why he was carrying a manilla folder with what looked like clippings from a newspaper but I wasn't about to ask him what it was. As he talked more about himself he then showed me what he'd brought with him. I'd learned that he was a broken heart as well. Perhaps he was brought to me for guidance, or just simply a kind smile, but there was a reason he'd come into our store... far greater than any pumpkin he'd see the week before.

I was in awe at the amount of information that this man shared with me and as he continued to talk I could feel my heart build and understand what he might be feeling. He'd told me of his newest achievement of writing his first, self-published horror novel and while I don't particularily like reading horror novels, especially those with creepy children as the main characters, I felt his pride through his words. He showed me the artwork for his book as well as the photograph he used to fill the back cover of the book. It wasn't in this information that I could relate but it was in that his girlfriend recently left him and he'd been apparently robbed of his first novel, "stolen" by the first publishing house he'd lost $40,000 to. So it was in those words that he was telling me that I could relate my feelings of neglect and hopelessness.

I felt such admiration to even be standing with such an interesting character, to be doing God's will by giving him advice and a testimony of my own recent attacks of faith. I'd told him that at the end of the day he had to know that if his love for his novel is what got him through to never give that up for anyone, but to know that there is hope in loving himself again. He'd been so hurt and I could tell because his constant usage of the word "alone" or "lonely", but I advised him that if he could get to a point where being "alone" was a gift and not a burden because of something he'd done wrong, than he'd find the person he desired because they would seek him.

After a little more conversation I began to see the appreciate on his face for my kind words and my patient responses and the intense concern I shared for this perfect stranger. He'd said, "and then I find and meet cool and sweet people like you and you're all married." At the end of our meeting I concluded my concern and appreciation for him with eye contact and a firm handshake thanking him for taking the time to share his story with me. As he turned around and began to walk out I could feel my heart smiling because it was just what I'd prayed for the night before. God had done it once again. He'd given me even more hope that He had before. He'd helped use my pain and struggle and the lessons I learned to help someone else through theirs. It only made me turn around with a happy, excited, bounce as I took comfort in knowing what I was now capable of.

The moral of the story isn't simply to be proud of yourself and what you do. God dwells in us. He is the one that's making this all possible, but we have to prepare ourselves for His work through us. Sometimes even in those darkest of days if all you can do is move slowly, staggered, and blinded...the purpose is to keep moving because eventually the path becomes narrow, straight, firm with His glory lighting your way.

As I close may I ask that tonight, even if you think you're "good" with God, to ask Him to mold you and make you to better do His will; that you not only see others through His eyes but that He give you the strength and the hope to be both willing and able to better serve Him. An influential woman once told me that sometimes you just have to finish the race. Just keep moving and He'll help you find the right path.

Friday, August 20, 2010

"Hilarity Insued"

A friend of mine often says "hilarity insues" or "insued" when he's telling a story. I usually think of this friend as an intelligent, inquisitive, and intellectual friend whos 'hilarity' is sure to make any story dramatic and interesting.

Here's mine for today! As most of my phone contacts know I sent a mass text message to all of them wishing their day as spectacular as mine had been. Some responded with a simple, "thanks. U 2" or a "It has been. How's your day?" My typical response to all them who asked was "Mine has been the same. Spectacular!" What made the morning spectacular could have very well been the ten hours of sleep that I got after turning my phone off and leaving my alarm clock unplugged. It most likely was because I woke up feeling more refreshed for having the day off to do whatever I wanted to do for fun. I wasted time, although now I don't see it as a "waste". I spent time reading a chapter in a book, writing for my blog, and treated myself to lunch. I didn't make any lists of things that I had to get done today and decided that today was just going to be fun, no matter what.

The funny part about this day actually happened a few days ago when another friend of mine sent me a text message telling me what his fortune cookie read for that day, which got me thinking about the box of fortune sticks I'd bought way back when I worked at Pier 1 Imports. At the time I think I bought them for a friend for Christmas but never gave it to him. Yeah, as matter of fact I bought it for a friend who used to be a pin-pal in the Army that was, at the time, overseas. I'd bought them for his care package but I didn't get it out on time; typical Katie fashion but that's beside the point. After my friend Andy told me his fortune I decided to go back to playfully pulling these sticks to see what mine would be. For the past month or so my friend Brantley and I would make fun of the fortunes I'd pick because they almost always came true in some way or another, even the most ridiculous ones.

Instead of just choosing one I'd gotten in the habit of pulling three, one at a time. I'm not sure the significance; perhaps a two out of three ratio or something like that justifying my choice in pulling only three. Either way...to the story.

The first stick read: "A friend has traveled far and from this you will both benefit." At first I thought that maybe this means literally; maybe a friend would surprise me with a visit, but it didn't happen. So then I thought that maybe it meant that a friend would reach out, far beyond their comfort zone and into unknown territory, and from this we would both benefit from it. Well, yesterday I received one of the best messages I'd ever gotten. It was a true testament to God's power and love and grace through His children. It was a message from an unlikely person who could have easily been angered by me or my actions, but chose grace instead. She told me that she was thankful I was a part of her husbands past life and gave me hope that I did more good than bad and that I should take pride in knowing that God will help me through my struggles. I was grateful to no end!

The final stick read: "You are loved for the way you are. Don't try to be different." It speaks for itself but on that day gave me more empowerment to wear what I wanted to wear, be who I wanted to be...because me, Katie, is enough!

The second stick, which ended up being the one that I just passed over as "nah, not true" read: "You will soon be moving." At first, like I said, I passed over it because I knew I didn't have the money to move, nor the desire, and I was sure that this meant literally. I had given it some thought yesterday remembering that my parents gave me an opportunity to manage their juice bars but it would mean moving to Jacksonville, NC and I had already told them that this wasn't a a great time in my life. Then I'd thought it might mean that I was supposed to take the opportunity to join the National Guard like I had looked into doing a few months ago. Just this morning I finally realized it had to be more than literal because God has given me such a wonderful opportunity to start with my counseling workbook again. I knew it had to mean instead of me literally packing everything and moving again, it meant that I was physically, mentally, but most importantly spiritually moving. So, I left it at that and went on with the rest of my "spectacular" day.

..."Where's the hilarity in that", you might ask...

When I got home from treating myself to one of the best philly cheesesteaks I'd had in a long time (perhaps because it was because I freely took just myself with no guilt or shame of being alone to go get it)....there was a surprise on my door.

"What? What?"

Posted on my apartment door was a notice to vacate the premises within ten days or contact the Myrtle Beach Magistrates office to set up a court appearance to appeal the eviction process. "The stick did mean literal", I told myself as I stood there and stared, reading the paper over and over again. Haha. I was floored at the irony of the day in general; that it's been one of the greatest days I've had in a long time but tested with destruction for my hardwork, but it was just that...a test. I knew that getting upset wouldn't change the outcome of the letter making it magically disappear if I cried long enough and hard enough. I knew that nothing less than passing it off as...hilarious irony would help so I did what I had to do. I called the magistrates office and got some information from them, in which they advised me to call my landlord and see what was going to happen next.

The irony isn't only in that this particular day started out wonderful, and naturally still is wonderful, but it's in that just yesterday I paid my rent. Each month, as most, rent is due by the first of the month and considered late on the fifth. I knew that this month would be cutting it close because my paycheck wouldn't be deposited until the 4th so I chances were I would simply pay it that night and not be charged the late fee and everything would work out. So, when my check went through I logged in to pay my rent through our new online automated payment system that they've just recently set up for our apartment complex. The first month went through fine, however, being that I just changed my bank information I had to use a new account which should've been fine. I paid rent on the fourth but it didn't give me a confirmation number, which I initially thought was weird but didn't think anything of it because I know that it was taken care of. So, last week I hadn't used the account at all because my paycheck just barely covered the rent and I knew that once that was taken out I'd have little cash left anyways so there was no reason for me to check my accounts balance each day. Well, as I said, last week I checked it because I had to get gas and saw that the $500 was still there, which meant that rent hadn't been drafted from my account but that they had now charged me the $50 for the rent being late. I had to wait until I got paid again so that I could then cover the rent and the $50 late fee, which meant paying just last night after my paycheck was deposited.

Long story short, I'm keeping the piece of paper as a souvenir because after calling the landlord she told me that I wasn't the only one who this happened to and that I should just tear up the notice because it sent them a confirmation saying that I had made a payment.

Moral of the story...we got to learn to let go of the things we cannot control before they control us. Sometimes when all you have to do is laugh and let it roll off of you...you've just gotta do it. I'm learning...one hilarious day at a time.