How do I know I made the right decision? Because the man doesn't care about my worries. He cares about having a third person paying the rent. Here's the facts.
1. We aren't "strong enough" to renew our vows but yet he wants to move in together.
2. We don't get along even if staying together for a week at a time and yet he's convinced we would be good living together.
3. He has to "think about" me staying the night but yet he wants to sleep together for the rest of our lives.
4. Recently when I asked him if he would re-marry me he lied to me about it but yet he says we're strong enough to live and trust one another again.
In my "expert" opinion, this man has confused what is from will be. We will be in a position in the future and I think the reason he has grown more frustrated is for perhaps the first time I have said "no" to a proposition followed by extensive fibs to sweeten the deal. I am proud of myself and where I will be because at the end of it, I will know exactly how to say "no" when it happens again.
I just think that the logics of what is fact is humorous and ironic considering the man who perceives it incorrectly considers himself in deed logical. Fact is fact.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sheer coincidence?
So...if you know anything about mine and my husband's story, backgrounds and all you would know that every single fear I've ever had in my life, in my marriage has come true.
Sometimes my curiousity really gets the best of me and I do something that I always regret later. In a way I regret it, however, don't because it sparks something inside me to raise to a challenge that doesn't even exist. At first this challenge did exist and I catered to it's every whim simply because I wasn't confident enough to stand up for who I was/am as a woman. In fact it's taken several months, years even for me to even feel as if I were a "real" woman.
I think that confidence in who you are isn't necessarily the packaged deal because you can be confident in what you have to offer but at the same time not confident about what you are or what you stand for. The unique qualities about all of us are so much easier to accept than the simple facts of merely being a woman versus a teenager versus an adolescent. Call it what you will, albeit the way I was raised by my father living states away from my mother, or whatever but it didn't change the fact that I still wasn't confident that I was a real woman.
I guess somewhere I got lost in my own mind not knowing that I was, or could be and thus all of my thoughts fed fears and caused so much pain for myself because of my lack of confidence in being more than just an adolescent.
Just now I had one of those moments where I did something I regret but kind've don't. I smile or smirk sometimes and laugh to myself inside when I think about the "if" of Amanda Cowan. Her name is Amanda Cowan Baker now but as my husband knows her she will forever be Amanda Cowan, the one that got away. To me, and perhaps only me, she isn't and will never be 'the one'. At first, especially when she started becoming a part of our lives again I truly didn't want to believe this fact and I really did think that perhaps I was some sort of substitute for his previous girlfriend Lexi and Amanda. It was really hard to stomach possibly meeting her and being "friends" with her when it became evident that their long-term friendship, one that I "could never understand" became more important than our marriage. It became excruciatingly painful when I found out that my husband felt more comfort in talking to her about our marital problems instead of me so that we could find a solution together. I felt so cheated.
Anyways, I won't rehash the past but all I can say is that I am 'the one' because any other 'one' would've left a long time ago and if I did leave...it would've been that moment of desperation for self existence knowing that I had escaped your grasp finally leaving you forever.
I just laugh at the coincidences that are provided just to prick those fears within me. The shocking similarities to the women that he has previously dated before me is so weird. For instance, Amanda, or Mandy as he knew her. She is very strong-willed because she had to face losing her mother in highschool to cancer, she's joined the army and ran a marathon. I've wanted to run a marathon and she's already done it while living in Hawaii where she graduated from massage therapy school, to which my husband would benefit completely considering his extensive back problems. She also paints and draws tattoos and now in her free time between being superwoman and fixing up her house while her husband is in the army and raising three children she also draws tattoos for people and studies to become a veterinarian tech. She runs about 7 miles a day and to my fears is the perfect model of what he would want for a wife. She's strong minded and opinionated which is the one evidence I see to them never truly being a fit for each other because she would not put up with my husband's bullshit, but then again I allow myself to believe that she still is the perfect image of what he never knew he always wanted. Perhaps her confidence and strong will would've been beneficial to his short comings, but we'll never know because that ship sailed several years ago.
What's sad is that there is a possibility that if things worked out differently, and if he wouldn't have abandoned her and joined the Marines only to be medically discharged later on, that they would be together. The sadness comes in knowing that I would've gotten the boot without him ever truly admitting to how wonderful I am. Perhaps he'll never see that like he did that short period of time.
Then you have Krissy, or as she prefers Kristeena. She's the "free-spirited" woman that captivated his liking with her flirtaious and curvacious body and confidence. I now am forced to live with her as a friend in my life, which she is a wonderful person, but there still is that undeniable elephant that she has slept with my husband and he has again talked with her openly about our marriage instead of me. She also has the ability to cook home-cooked meals which is something no doubt my husband would love considering his mom loves to cook and would always make meals when they were children. She has large breasts which has always been something he has liked. She is adventurous sexually and no doubt probably the best he's ever had although he's admitted that I was. She also paints and is crafty.
The uncanny coincidences that continue to appear are frustrating but a challenge none-the-less. I have had to battle each one of his skeletons and at times I feel like I'll never win, but the truth is with or without my husband...I have won because it doesn't matter who he ends up with as long as I stay true to who I am. If it were to be that he and I were never meant to be together forever and he did end up with the perfect blend of all of us combined, I would be hurt for a while, rejected, but I would know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a man out there that will not require me to be challenged by his past every day of my life and to constantly doubt, or combat every coincidence that arises.
This is a simple lesson to which has taken me years to suggest, digest, and perfect to which I may never perfect...but strive to everyday.
Sometimes my curiousity really gets the best of me and I do something that I always regret later. In a way I regret it, however, don't because it sparks something inside me to raise to a challenge that doesn't even exist. At first this challenge did exist and I catered to it's every whim simply because I wasn't confident enough to stand up for who I was/am as a woman. In fact it's taken several months, years even for me to even feel as if I were a "real" woman.
I think that confidence in who you are isn't necessarily the packaged deal because you can be confident in what you have to offer but at the same time not confident about what you are or what you stand for. The unique qualities about all of us are so much easier to accept than the simple facts of merely being a woman versus a teenager versus an adolescent. Call it what you will, albeit the way I was raised by my father living states away from my mother, or whatever but it didn't change the fact that I still wasn't confident that I was a real woman.
I guess somewhere I got lost in my own mind not knowing that I was, or could be and thus all of my thoughts fed fears and caused so much pain for myself because of my lack of confidence in being more than just an adolescent.
Just now I had one of those moments where I did something I regret but kind've don't. I smile or smirk sometimes and laugh to myself inside when I think about the "if" of Amanda Cowan. Her name is Amanda Cowan Baker now but as my husband knows her she will forever be Amanda Cowan, the one that got away. To me, and perhaps only me, she isn't and will never be 'the one'. At first, especially when she started becoming a part of our lives again I truly didn't want to believe this fact and I really did think that perhaps I was some sort of substitute for his previous girlfriend Lexi and Amanda. It was really hard to stomach possibly meeting her and being "friends" with her when it became evident that their long-term friendship, one that I "could never understand" became more important than our marriage. It became excruciatingly painful when I found out that my husband felt more comfort in talking to her about our marital problems instead of me so that we could find a solution together. I felt so cheated.
Anyways, I won't rehash the past but all I can say is that I am 'the one' because any other 'one' would've left a long time ago and if I did leave...it would've been that moment of desperation for self existence knowing that I had escaped your grasp finally leaving you forever.
I just laugh at the coincidences that are provided just to prick those fears within me. The shocking similarities to the women that he has previously dated before me is so weird. For instance, Amanda, or Mandy as he knew her. She is very strong-willed because she had to face losing her mother in highschool to cancer, she's joined the army and ran a marathon. I've wanted to run a marathon and she's already done it while living in Hawaii where she graduated from massage therapy school, to which my husband would benefit completely considering his extensive back problems. She also paints and draws tattoos and now in her free time between being superwoman and fixing up her house while her husband is in the army and raising three children she also draws tattoos for people and studies to become a veterinarian tech. She runs about 7 miles a day and to my fears is the perfect model of what he would want for a wife. She's strong minded and opinionated which is the one evidence I see to them never truly being a fit for each other because she would not put up with my husband's bullshit, but then again I allow myself to believe that she still is the perfect image of what he never knew he always wanted. Perhaps her confidence and strong will would've been beneficial to his short comings, but we'll never know because that ship sailed several years ago.
What's sad is that there is a possibility that if things worked out differently, and if he wouldn't have abandoned her and joined the Marines only to be medically discharged later on, that they would be together. The sadness comes in knowing that I would've gotten the boot without him ever truly admitting to how wonderful I am. Perhaps he'll never see that like he did that short period of time.
Then you have Krissy, or as she prefers Kristeena. She's the "free-spirited" woman that captivated his liking with her flirtaious and curvacious body and confidence. I now am forced to live with her as a friend in my life, which she is a wonderful person, but there still is that undeniable elephant that she has slept with my husband and he has again talked with her openly about our marriage instead of me. She also has the ability to cook home-cooked meals which is something no doubt my husband would love considering his mom loves to cook and would always make meals when they were children. She has large breasts which has always been something he has liked. She is adventurous sexually and no doubt probably the best he's ever had although he's admitted that I was. She also paints and is crafty.
The uncanny coincidences that continue to appear are frustrating but a challenge none-the-less. I have had to battle each one of his skeletons and at times I feel like I'll never win, but the truth is with or without my husband...I have won because it doesn't matter who he ends up with as long as I stay true to who I am. If it were to be that he and I were never meant to be together forever and he did end up with the perfect blend of all of us combined, I would be hurt for a while, rejected, but I would know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a man out there that will not require me to be challenged by his past every day of my life and to constantly doubt, or combat every coincidence that arises.
This is a simple lesson to which has taken me years to suggest, digest, and perfect to which I may never perfect...but strive to everyday.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Just a little sneeze...
I have to admit that today I'm a little sad. I'm not completely sure why though. Ever feel like your emotions are something that is so completely different from your brain? Like somehow they're a virus that you take a whiff of and then sneeze it out after it tickles your nose. It took me a long time to realize how to even get rid of unwanted, or damaging feelings, but I'd be lying if I said it's still a constant battle not to live inside of them rather than they inside of you.
Haha, when I think about that very fact I get this image in my mind of a person jumping into a tiny cup, circus style where they jump from a large platform into a horrifically small cup and somehow they fit perfectly. So, thinking about that makes me laugh because it's impossible to do, so it helps gain perspective that's what I'm trying to do when I'm feeling down or depressed.
Perhaps maybe it's the sunshine that has left the skies today, but then again I knew it would be rainy this weekend. Perhaps it's because I told Steve that we wouldn't be living together and I don't want him to be mad at me, or ignore me, or pull away from me. The hardest part is knowing and responding to his reactions, justly. I know that when I moved out and into this apartment it was really hard for him and it was extremely hard for me to muster up the guts to go through with it but I'm glad that I did because I don't know if we'd still be together had I not done that. I didn't understand why he didn't choose me and it was really hard to understand his actions, or his feelings and perhaps you could say that I'm also a little sad because I know that we are so very similar and that I need to work on my actions and reactions as well.
I want to be as patient and kind as I was that day we sat together in church for the first time after three or four months of barely recognizing that either one of us existed. I know that God has helped me find patience but I know that I need to learn more and I know that it's going to take so much more from me. A part of me is ready and willing, but there is always another part of me that really doesn't know if I'm capable of doing anything more until I'm sitting there looking back and realizing how proud I should've been of the work He was doing inside of me and how much I had gained.
Maybe I'm a little sad because I was really looking forward to living with my husband again and I know he'll be really hurt and upset by that and I'll have to stand by my decision recognizing if it's right or wrong when it comes and not taking into consideration what anyone else says. I know that I have to be confident that I made the decision but not conceited or controlling or too prideful to admit that I was wrong. I have to make these decisions in order to grow and I really feel like we aren't ready to live together and to be quite honest I knew that inside the only positive was that I we would save money. That shouldn't be the positive that I look for. It should be I love him and I've missed him so much that now we get to wake up together again, and come home and see each other there. So, I know that I'm not ready yet as crappy and as frustrating as that is.
As I'm typing I'm not feeling as frustrated about my decision or as sad as before. I'm happy for all the wonderful opportunities happening around me but I would also be lying if I said I wasn't sure what God wanted me to do. I know that there would be some great opportunities if Kim and I moved to Columbia and it would really force me to change, or it might force me into depression much like an animal when their owner goes off to work.
Which reminds me of Laura-kitty. I worry about her but at the same time I know that God directed her to me, but I'm not certain she'll be outside, or is outside and I feel so horrible allowing her to stay outside. This past week I haven't looked for her and it makes me feel like I'm just letting her suffer and selfishly continuing on with my life. I don't want to use God as an excuse and say "I'm just trusting God", which yes, I am, or trying to. But at the same time I know that I could do more and I'm not. Why? I wish I could just go right into those woods and search around. At least that would make me feel a heck of a lot better and not that she's just bundled up under some bush somewhere freezing from the wind and rain that's coming our way, or sweating to death from the 83% humidity we've been having lately.
I keep telling myself to just stay close to God and keep going. I feel like I've slipped just a little bit here in this past week or so, which makes me question my decisions although I know I've kept Him close to my heart and consulted Him.
All I can do is take my own advice and trust that God is leading me and that He will show me where I am wrong. I have faith that He will humble me as He has before. My only prayer today is for my husband and my Laura-kitty. I pray that they are safe and as I let go and let God I pray that they know just how much I love them and how much I wish they were always in my life. I pray for Laura-kitty to find a home where she can be loved as much as I've loved her, and more. I pray that Steve can find his faith, strong, but not forget how much I love him and want to be with him forever.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to have a place where I can come and just let it out.
Haha, when I think about that very fact I get this image in my mind of a person jumping into a tiny cup, circus style where they jump from a large platform into a horrifically small cup and somehow they fit perfectly. So, thinking about that makes me laugh because it's impossible to do, so it helps gain perspective that's what I'm trying to do when I'm feeling down or depressed.
Perhaps maybe it's the sunshine that has left the skies today, but then again I knew it would be rainy this weekend. Perhaps it's because I told Steve that we wouldn't be living together and I don't want him to be mad at me, or ignore me, or pull away from me. The hardest part is knowing and responding to his reactions, justly. I know that when I moved out and into this apartment it was really hard for him and it was extremely hard for me to muster up the guts to go through with it but I'm glad that I did because I don't know if we'd still be together had I not done that. I didn't understand why he didn't choose me and it was really hard to understand his actions, or his feelings and perhaps you could say that I'm also a little sad because I know that we are so very similar and that I need to work on my actions and reactions as well.
I want to be as patient and kind as I was that day we sat together in church for the first time after three or four months of barely recognizing that either one of us existed. I know that God has helped me find patience but I know that I need to learn more and I know that it's going to take so much more from me. A part of me is ready and willing, but there is always another part of me that really doesn't know if I'm capable of doing anything more until I'm sitting there looking back and realizing how proud I should've been of the work He was doing inside of me and how much I had gained.
Maybe I'm a little sad because I was really looking forward to living with my husband again and I know he'll be really hurt and upset by that and I'll have to stand by my decision recognizing if it's right or wrong when it comes and not taking into consideration what anyone else says. I know that I have to be confident that I made the decision but not conceited or controlling or too prideful to admit that I was wrong. I have to make these decisions in order to grow and I really feel like we aren't ready to live together and to be quite honest I knew that inside the only positive was that I we would save money. That shouldn't be the positive that I look for. It should be I love him and I've missed him so much that now we get to wake up together again, and come home and see each other there. So, I know that I'm not ready yet as crappy and as frustrating as that is.
As I'm typing I'm not feeling as frustrated about my decision or as sad as before. I'm happy for all the wonderful opportunities happening around me but I would also be lying if I said I wasn't sure what God wanted me to do. I know that there would be some great opportunities if Kim and I moved to Columbia and it would really force me to change, or it might force me into depression much like an animal when their owner goes off to work.
Which reminds me of Laura-kitty. I worry about her but at the same time I know that God directed her to me, but I'm not certain she'll be outside, or is outside and I feel so horrible allowing her to stay outside. This past week I haven't looked for her and it makes me feel like I'm just letting her suffer and selfishly continuing on with my life. I don't want to use God as an excuse and say "I'm just trusting God", which yes, I am, or trying to. But at the same time I know that I could do more and I'm not. Why? I wish I could just go right into those woods and search around. At least that would make me feel a heck of a lot better and not that she's just bundled up under some bush somewhere freezing from the wind and rain that's coming our way, or sweating to death from the 83% humidity we've been having lately.
I keep telling myself to just stay close to God and keep going. I feel like I've slipped just a little bit here in this past week or so, which makes me question my decisions although I know I've kept Him close to my heart and consulted Him.
All I can do is take my own advice and trust that God is leading me and that He will show me where I am wrong. I have faith that He will humble me as He has before. My only prayer today is for my husband and my Laura-kitty. I pray that they are safe and as I let go and let God I pray that they know just how much I love them and how much I wish they were always in my life. I pray for Laura-kitty to find a home where she can be loved as much as I've loved her, and more. I pray that Steve can find his faith, strong, but not forget how much I love him and want to be with him forever.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to have a place where I can come and just let it out.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Frustrating!
So much for not going backwards huh? I'm so tired of doing so well and getting into a groove and then being knocked down and going backwards about five feet. It's so frustrating, especially because mentally I'm trying so hard to handle everything. Maybe I'm not as strong as I think I am. I just want to do something different, to just do it! To be there already and to stop having things happen that make me want to quit. Can't I just have enough time to find a rythm and it becomes a habit before I'm challenged? So frustrating!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
April 6th
I'm so desperate today for change. I don't want to be afraid anymore, or controlled, or allow my emotions to get out of control. I am better than what I was and because of that I can walk away from things that need to be walked away from. I can't allow myself to be sucked in anymore, no matter who it is. Because it's like the song goes..."if that's what love is, it costs too much". This morning I just want to pray. "Oh Heavenly Father. Father of everything, every creature, every creation in this life. You are truly amazing to all of us and most of us, including me, take that forgranted more so than not. All I ask of You today is to search my heart, search my soul and apply the lessons to my life that will make me as strong as You need me to be. I pray this special prayer in Your holy name, amen."
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Afternoon prayer
"Father, please help me stay calm and focused. I don't want to allow satan to get in through frustration or anger. I'm worried about money. Please take those worries from me. I gladly, desperately give them to you. Father, I am so very thankful and grateful for all the blessings that you have continued to give me, knowing that I don't deserve them. The gift of life, of love, of happiness and often I neglect each little blessing. Father, thank you. Thank you for entrusting me with all that You have. In your most precious, Heavenly name, amen."
And the test begins...
In my heart I can hear God asking me "How much do you love me? How much do you care? How much....?" My answer to Him will always be...I love you more, I love you this much, I can for You! It's hard. Father, it's very hard during these moments. Selfishly all I want is for my strong, willing husband to stand up and be encouraging and most importantly there. So many days were spent crying before because all of those childhood fears wouldn't allow me enough time to clear my head, take control over my emotions, and look at the facts. The facts are that my husband wants to be everything for me but he truly doesn't know how. My husband loves me more than anything but he's unsure how to love himself and God fully. My husband is lost in a world that is dark and scary for him and he's doing everything he can to survive in it. He's found ways to survive but they're unhealthy. He's scared to try new ways that may not work. He's lost and I don't know how to reach him. It's hard in moments like these because it's easy for me to be everything I'm naturally drawn to do. Cry. Get emotional and depressed. Make it all about me that he doesn't love me and he doesn't care for me. I know that those are fears that satan is diligently trying to use against me. If I fall too much he'll grab me and not let go. I can't allow myself to fall for his tricks like I already have. I've realized that because of these facts my own expectations and wishes of this wonderful marriage and all that it can be is on the line. Have I made things worse for him or better? Have I pushed him to cower in his shell or to stand a fight? Perhaps I've done both. I know that now my best role is to stay as close to him spiritually as I can but to stay far enough away so that I too do not get sucked into the hole. I need to touch him and encourage his senses with love and kindness and faith. I need to be so much stronger because God is calling me to be. It's easy to selfishly want to say "he doesn't do it for me" and I've used that in my time or two, but it's much bigger than that imature notion. My husband needs me to be the best version of myself so that I can be the vessel through which God reaches him. I need to be in the shadows of his mind distracting the devil from his whip on my husband. It's my courage and my faith, my strength and my will that is being questioned by God. Will I rise? Or will I fall? It's not easy to do the work but it's easy to come to the answer. If I love my husband and I love my God than I will walk through fire, swim every ocean, climb every mountain to find a way back to him and when my husband is tired and weary from walking and running I will be his strength and courage. I will be his feet and as long as I am able I will carry his weight, almost three times as much as me. Why? Because my God carried it for me and my God forgave me for all of my own sins and if I love them both...I will do it willingly, with no hesitation because love conquors all. I know that I will not carry the weight on his shoulders because that is not mine to carry, but I will try to the best of my human abilities because my husband needs me to be and everything in my life that has happened has brought me, has molded me, has made me as strong today as I have to be to put myself aside, to put my marriage aside as hard and depressing as it can be. But I have to temporarily so that he can focus on himself, his faith, his self-esteem, his decisions, his life. Because truly we are fine, our marriage is wonderful but it's the us as individuals who need the work. May I take this opportunity to allow myself to continue to grow, but not put my life on hold or the expectations that I have for myself but may I find a way to grow without leaving him behind. I cannot give up on myself or the work I must do to feel whole as well. There's still alot to be done with me and I pray that God will help me keep my focus on the bigger picture and nothing else.
TLC
Just a little bit of tender, love, and care for the soul tonight. Tonight I just wanted to spend a little time with me, with my mind, with my thoughts and feelings. When I started this blog deep down it was with the intention of having people read it, especially my husband. I wanted him to really see and understand how I work, how I think, etc. I want that sort of connection with him that I think I share for him. Maybe in his own way he does. Tonight I found myself minutes from writing him yet another e-mail explaining exactly how I felt and again I had that expectation that this time would be different and that some how this e-mail would hold magic and fairy dust so that when he clicked open he would instantly be able to think and interpret differently; at least the way that I wanted him to. I'm glad that my Father stopped me because it was another emotional plea made in desperation for love and understanding from my husband. I know that he loves me but he's not quite to the point of understanding me or even himself yet. I know how frustrating it is for me and I can only imagine how frustrating and discouraging it must be for him. While it's understandable and relatable, it's not an excuse and he does have all the tools necessary to help himself and me. So my question for God lately has been why hasn't he chosen to use them? Is it because I'm not encouraging him enough or is it because he's not hearing the encouragement but rather everything negative. I pray and pray for his self-esteem and yet it seems like nothing happens, that we get nowhere. It's very easy for me to think when I get down and lose my hope that there will never be a moment of change again, that there will never be that confidence he once had. I'm afraid that being around him enables his ways and that often perhaps if I found a way to still be married to him, fullfilling my duty and vows to my husband and Christ, but at the same time been away from him long enough for him to start being more self-sufficient...if only it were that easy. I pray to God to help me understand how to handle the situation and I feel so defeated, alone, and frustrated most of the time because it feels like we just go around and around on that circle again. I know that God is capable of changing his heart but could his heart be too stubborn for God's work? What's frustrating to me the most is that he doesn't understand that his attitude and personality flaws are damaging this relationship, as mine are when I allow them to as well. It's not just a game where we argue and I give in. How can I make it apparent that I mean business and that I do want to be around him but if he refuses to fix those damaging ways than it's no longer healthy for me to be around him. Perhaps if I say, "remember when I used to throw things and hit? What if I still did those things when I get upset at you but you've changed a lot of things about you and you just can't tolerate it anymore but yet you've promised you wouldn't leave. What would you do? How would you respond?" I would like to think that a simple explanation or analogy would help example my cause, but it wouldn't. I know that the best thing I can do is pray about it. I can continue focusing on my life, disregarding my own fears, and being that bigger person for the both of us. At times I have not enough energy to keep myself positive let alone him. I wish one day he would just understand how hurtful his pessimism and rain cloud mindset affects the people around him. "Father, tonight I beg you to hear my heart's sobs! I sob for my husband's heart to be full! To be free! To be healed and confident! I pray for miracles even if I'm out of place!" ...it will simply just be one rock at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)