"This morning Father I'm angry. I can feel myself getting more and more frustrated for decisions I have made, or even haven't made. What frustrates me is I didn't even say "yes" that I would take Steve back after he came to my apartment asking for us to work things out. I hugged him and didn't give him an answer. All I did say was that I wanted him to focus on getting him better first, and look....see how stupid I was to trust that? That's what I feel. Stupid.
I look around and it's like I see everyone so unafraid to stand up for themselves, even Steve wasn't afraid to break up with me a long time ago and he sure as hell wasn't afraid to let everyone think that it was all my fault and that I left him, even now he won't set the record straight and it's simply because he doesn't want to disappoint his family by saying the reason I left was because he started looking at porn and arguing with me again. If he would've given me just a couple of days to process the anger instead of adding to it and then saying I had no right to treat him like that, or to feel betrayed, or that I didn't trust him.
Father, I know that right now, this mood that I'm in I'm not regulating. I've learned how to disconnect myself so much in order to be that second person that I truly believe that's how I've become bipolar. Isn't that a crazy notion? To think that a person became a disorder that allows for several mood changes in order to self-regulate the other half that was disregulated? Sometimes that's what it feels like. It feels like I'm feeling those horrible emotions and I feel a heavy weight over me, like a dark cloud or something and then all of a sudden here comes this voice of reason on the other half of me trying to help bring sunshine in.
Take right now for instance. I feel angry, disappointed, let down, mad, scared, sad, depressed but I know that the only reason I'm feeling this way is because I'm too focused and worried on past decisions I've made and in reality shouldn't even be feeling that way considering I made all of those decisions for You and if I had the chance knowing that our relationship would be where it is now I would've done it all over again, however, there is another part of me that wishes I would've hugged him that night but said, "I'm sorry. Right now I feel like it's not safe to be around you and for you to be around me. Focus on you and if it's meant to be still, God will let it be on His time, not yours."
It was so easy to get caught up in that storybook, romance movie type of moment and I was scared to hurt his feelings, that if I said 'no' than he would think I meant forever and leave me.
But all in all, this is where we are and I have to say as much as I do love the progress he's made and the fact that he no longer lies as much as he used to, or looks at porn like he used to...I have to ask myself what if.
Don't get me wrong Father I am thankful. You and I both know that but at times I feel like I've gotten the short-end of the stick. I think what if he wouldn't have come around again and I continued to find myself, who I was. I know that I truly was proud of myself for working it out. Now, I'm not proud of myself. I'm not proud that I trust someone who can't be trusted. I'm not proud that I give so much and don't receive as much back. I'm not proud that I am married to a man who is afraid to live his life and hides behind excuses to not try and thinks he's fulfilled person in life but yet wonders why he doesn't feel proud of himself. I'm not proud that I can't find a way to help him just get up and be someone, do something. When I say be someone I mean, someone else besides a man who sits there and does nothing for himself.
I wonder why is it that he tried so hard back then to go to the gym to get the ladies' attention when now he only cares to go if he by chance wants someone to notice him. What do I do? Call him fat and refuse to have sex with him because he's not perfect? I know that I do prefer the way he used to look and I've been waiting and waiting until he gets back to that but I don't know how to do anything.
I'm not proud that I'm scared of everything when it comes to him. Scared to hurt his feelings. Scared he'll not think well of himself in the future. Scared I'll make things worse for him. Scared that what he says by never leaving if that's really true. I'm trying so hard not to control him or to be mean or whatever, but maybe that's just like everyone else in his life who allows him to do what he wants in his life.
I guess that means it's my test and real confidence comes in knowing that God is in control and in trusting that he's not going to leave me, and if he does that God will see me through. I'm so scared I'll look like the bad guy to his family and I'll lose them or that I'll be a hypocrite or something like that.
Now that I sit here and write it all out I know that I need to toughen up in all aspects of my life, especially my marriage. I won't make decisions for him, but I won't allow him to settle either. And if he chooses to do something I don't agree with, like not working out or not calling grandmother and stuff like that than I'll simply just tell myself "ya know what, you're decisions are your decisions".
Father, this morning I ask for your help but I'm unsure what to ask for. Father search my heart and search my husbands heart especially and help us see what our needs are. Father thank you for this challenge because it truly has made me a strong independent woman, but I want to be more than that. I ask for your help. Father please forgive my sins. In your heavenly precious holy name I pray, amen."
