I'm scared.
I wear one of the newest tattoos on my right wrist which proudly reads: Psalm 56: 3. That passage has become one of my many favorites. I wanted to get it tattooed on my wrist to remind me to always trust in God. The passage proclaims, "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." Funny that the first thing I said when I started this post was that I was scared. I know that God will protect me and that I am always safe in His arms, but I am scared.
I've begged and pleaded and cried and prayed over and over to finally get the answers...for my husband to make his decision if he wants to stay married and work on being a great couple. Today I wasn't smart. Today I sent a text message pleading yet again. Perhaps because of this the phone call he will make tomorrow will have bad news. Perhaps it made him realize some things and it will be good news. Either way it's I hope this finally means that he's made his decision and that by the end of tomorrow I'll either be starting a new life as a soon-to-be divorcee or on the first step to recovering our marriage.
I'm nervous because I don't think it will be good news. I think that in combination to my actions lately with the text message I sent today that it was the last final straw that he could take of me. I don't blame him in a lot of ways for leaving me. I know that I am a handful and that I don't deserve him at times. Maybe he hasn't even made a decision and the phone call is simply to state that he needs more time in addition to the four months he's already gotten.
Do I really blame him for giving up and quitting? I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing if he sent me the text message I sent him. I was scared though. I was trying to protect him and shouldn't that count? He always wants me to be so understanding and to take everything he says at full worth and not out of context as single actions. Why are the standards so twisted?
Either way tomorrow when I wake up my tattoo that reads "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You" remains, however its up to me to read it, and truly understand it, and then to feel it no matter what happens.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Laura going away
Today I said 'goodbye' to another great friend. My friend, Laura, is going to grad school in Grenada. She'll be in such a luxurious area, however, will it feel that way to her? I'm so proud of what she's done with her life and the person that she's become. She's strong and courageous. I think that Laura and I have always had more than meets the eye in common. We're both strong, we're both courageous, but we've had to do it. It's been a choice in some areas but in others we've had to force ourselves to be the ones to pick up the pieces because there simply wasn't anyone there to do it for us and if there was we didn't trust them enough to do it right. Laura and I knew each other when I was 16 and we were working at Mrs. Field's at the Colonial Mall, which was then called the Briarcliffe Mall. At time the her sister Abbey worked there as well and Abbey never quite understood why I'd rather hang out with Laura instead of her. I think it was more because Laura and I had so much in common, but yet neither of us really knew what it was. I think we shared similar feelings and so we could relate to one another and truly understand where we were coming from.
I'm sad to see Laura go because I'm selfish and don't want her to leave. I know that she doesn't feel ready for this but sometimes you need that extra push to make the first move in your life. I think that I've felt that feeling the week before we went to Denver. I'd organized a yard sale that made over $1500 selling all of my things from my two bedroom apartment. What wasn't in the yard sale was then packed in vaccumed packed bags and shoes were thrown in trash bags. "Only what's necessity" we had to tell ourselves. I was excited to be going to school but I was terrified that I couldn't make it on my own, let alone supporting another person being a newly-wed. I had no idea what I was getting into but still I went for it. In some ways I knew I wasn't ready for it but I trucked along because it was too late to go back now. I think that Laura is feeling those same feelings right now, but in her case it's just her. For her, there is no newly wed companionship even if it wasn't really companionship that I had. Yes, I was married, and yes my husband was sweet and loving at first, but when things started get rough with school and money and life in general it became less and less like a companionship. I longed for that feeling to be loved, to be supported, to have that safety net to come home to knowing that I was still at least accepted for trying.
I want Laura to feel safe and proud, but not just today. I want her to get to a place where she can wake up and feel like there's nothing holding her back and there's everything ahead of her. I don't want her to be drowned with her emotions and feelings of what could've been had she not done this or that.
I often feel regret for leaving Denver. When I think about it I felt like I was supposed to be there and I know that in the beginning I was, but I have to remind myself that God had other plans. God knew that this was going to happen and He knew that He couldn't just give me that free ride from the past if I truly wanted to succeed in Him. He knew I'd have to battle through the feelings and come home....home to Myrtle Beach and face the music. Most of the time now I feel the pressure because I know that the longer I wait around and not do what He wants me to do, the longer I'll have to be here, in misery and pain, but yet still...I sit. Why?
I can understand a lot about myself but I can't understand that. Is it simply fear? It doesn't feel like its just that.
After I left Laura's house I cried a little on the way home because I had to say 'goodbye'. I'm so tired of saying 'goodbye' while someone else makes that step. You know the one? The step between old and new life. It's almost like baptism when you step in the water your just a sinner getting wet, but when you come back up and breathe that first breath you're no longer your old self. You're this new person who's going to have to battle the years of living in another person's body. Sometimes I wish I could be in someone else's body.
I'm not even sure if this is making any sense jumping back and forth between Laura and baptism and Denver, but the one thing that I'm trying to say is this....I want to fight. I want the option. I want the control of my own faith and my own mental health. I don't want to be afraid or be ashamed of the choices I've made. I know that when I left Denver it was for my husband and I know that when I left Pennslyvannia it was with hopes that our marriage would get better. I know that when I left the house and moved into this apartment it was because I had to take care of myself and at the same time take care of him. I know that I've made the right decisions through God but the hardest part is walking around feeling like I don't have to convince anyone else that my choices were through God and not for selfish reasons.
I don't want to feel horrible enough to hit myself anymore. I don't want to feel crazy or unable. I don't want to feel weak or tired or out of control. I want that clarity of knowing that the ledge is right there and all I have to do is jump, knowing that my faith and my God will take care of me. I don't want to have just one great day and fifteen horrible ones. When I was in PA I would wake up and often go outside and smell the air as I'd look around at the beautiful leaves changing. Or in Denver even when my husband and I had a fight, walking on my way to school I would look around and see that I was here, I was in my dream, and I was thankful for it. I would look up to the sky, close my eyes, and take a deep breathe and then I would come back down and know that everything, no matter what, would work out because I had God.
Maybe lately my faith has been failing. Maybe I've started to lose hope and that's why it has seemed to be that each day is just another day in passing. Today I am reminded that tomorrow Laura won't be a Myrtle Beach resident anymore. She'll be gone, started on that journey no matter if she's ready or not. She's on it. I don't want to be reminded that this is backwards, that this is me coming back to Myrtle Beach because I failed, because I failed at being a wife, because I failed at believing in God enough, because I failed at praying enough, because I failed at school. I want this to be my journey but where do I begin? And for that, I'll need His help. And for the accountability I'll need true friends. It's a never ending search but at least my faith hasn't failed enough to know that if I can endure it like He has, than my inheritance is waiting. Sometimes I get lost and I think that how could I, me, this horrible sinner, be welcome to the same love and devotion. Maybe I'm not, but maybe, just maybe...I am.
I'm sad to see Laura go because I'm selfish and don't want her to leave. I know that she doesn't feel ready for this but sometimes you need that extra push to make the first move in your life. I think that I've felt that feeling the week before we went to Denver. I'd organized a yard sale that made over $1500 selling all of my things from my two bedroom apartment. What wasn't in the yard sale was then packed in vaccumed packed bags and shoes were thrown in trash bags. "Only what's necessity" we had to tell ourselves. I was excited to be going to school but I was terrified that I couldn't make it on my own, let alone supporting another person being a newly-wed. I had no idea what I was getting into but still I went for it. In some ways I knew I wasn't ready for it but I trucked along because it was too late to go back now. I think that Laura is feeling those same feelings right now, but in her case it's just her. For her, there is no newly wed companionship even if it wasn't really companionship that I had. Yes, I was married, and yes my husband was sweet and loving at first, but when things started get rough with school and money and life in general it became less and less like a companionship. I longed for that feeling to be loved, to be supported, to have that safety net to come home to knowing that I was still at least accepted for trying.
I want Laura to feel safe and proud, but not just today. I want her to get to a place where she can wake up and feel like there's nothing holding her back and there's everything ahead of her. I don't want her to be drowned with her emotions and feelings of what could've been had she not done this or that.
I often feel regret for leaving Denver. When I think about it I felt like I was supposed to be there and I know that in the beginning I was, but I have to remind myself that God had other plans. God knew that this was going to happen and He knew that He couldn't just give me that free ride from the past if I truly wanted to succeed in Him. He knew I'd have to battle through the feelings and come home....home to Myrtle Beach and face the music. Most of the time now I feel the pressure because I know that the longer I wait around and not do what He wants me to do, the longer I'll have to be here, in misery and pain, but yet still...I sit. Why?
I can understand a lot about myself but I can't understand that. Is it simply fear? It doesn't feel like its just that.
After I left Laura's house I cried a little on the way home because I had to say 'goodbye'. I'm so tired of saying 'goodbye' while someone else makes that step. You know the one? The step between old and new life. It's almost like baptism when you step in the water your just a sinner getting wet, but when you come back up and breathe that first breath you're no longer your old self. You're this new person who's going to have to battle the years of living in another person's body. Sometimes I wish I could be in someone else's body.
I'm not even sure if this is making any sense jumping back and forth between Laura and baptism and Denver, but the one thing that I'm trying to say is this....I want to fight. I want the option. I want the control of my own faith and my own mental health. I don't want to be afraid or be ashamed of the choices I've made. I know that when I left Denver it was for my husband and I know that when I left Pennslyvannia it was with hopes that our marriage would get better. I know that when I left the house and moved into this apartment it was because I had to take care of myself and at the same time take care of him. I know that I've made the right decisions through God but the hardest part is walking around feeling like I don't have to convince anyone else that my choices were through God and not for selfish reasons.
I don't want to feel horrible enough to hit myself anymore. I don't want to feel crazy or unable. I don't want to feel weak or tired or out of control. I want that clarity of knowing that the ledge is right there and all I have to do is jump, knowing that my faith and my God will take care of me. I don't want to have just one great day and fifteen horrible ones. When I was in PA I would wake up and often go outside and smell the air as I'd look around at the beautiful leaves changing. Or in Denver even when my husband and I had a fight, walking on my way to school I would look around and see that I was here, I was in my dream, and I was thankful for it. I would look up to the sky, close my eyes, and take a deep breathe and then I would come back down and know that everything, no matter what, would work out because I had God.
Maybe lately my faith has been failing. Maybe I've started to lose hope and that's why it has seemed to be that each day is just another day in passing. Today I am reminded that tomorrow Laura won't be a Myrtle Beach resident anymore. She'll be gone, started on that journey no matter if she's ready or not. She's on it. I don't want to be reminded that this is backwards, that this is me coming back to Myrtle Beach because I failed, because I failed at being a wife, because I failed at believing in God enough, because I failed at praying enough, because I failed at school. I want this to be my journey but where do I begin? And for that, I'll need His help. And for the accountability I'll need true friends. It's a never ending search but at least my faith hasn't failed enough to know that if I can endure it like He has, than my inheritance is waiting. Sometimes I get lost and I think that how could I, me, this horrible sinner, be welcome to the same love and devotion. Maybe I'm not, but maybe, just maybe...I am.
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