Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Long Overdue Reality Check

As you can tell it's been almost two months since I've posted anything. In truth it's because I've been scared to share my feelings. For fear that someone somewhere who knew me might bring them up one day; make assumptions about what I have written and blown my life out of proportion. I feared also that this blog meant nothing to anyone. While it should mean something to me, and when I started it I knew it wouldn't matter who was a 'follower' or if anyone commented, but that this blog was meant to act as my outlet. A physical ground where I could visit almost anytime, almost anywhere; to say what I wanted without fear of anything.

As became more about God I became more guilty about using it selfishly to just vent about me and my life and my problems. The harsh reality is while we're stuck selfishly on our own problems, we're oblivious to our need elsewhere in His kingdom. I find myself feeling guilty about this often. I try hard to push the feelings aside saying, 'it could always be worse' or 'I am one of the richest people I know simply because I am God's daughter with whom He chooses to share His fortune with'. I know that I am undeserving because I am merely a sinner. I know that my day of judgement will come and it will not matter how hard I tried to push down the feelings, God will see that they are still in my heart.

For this reason I chose a long time ago to always work through things. I once bought a box of small cards, about the size of a business card. On one side it had a random picture and on the other side it had a quote. The card in particular that I gave a friend when he was going through a tough time as well, read, "The best way to out is always through" by Robert Frost. At the time I knew my friend needed something to remind him that when things got tough to keep trucking along but as I began to recollect the quote I learned that for me it was meant more metaphorically. You see when I first started visiting Pam McClowskey of Recovery Ministries in Shelocta, PA it was for the support and counsel. The workbook I've mentioned before that we used focused on this very notion of working 'through' something, whether it be a timeframe, a past event, a feeling, emotion, or even an episode.

In order for me to work through things I must surrender everything to God. By the submittion of self and the powerlessness that my life had become unmanageable I complete the first step in recovery. It is saying simply "I can't". Second, in my process is having faith that there is something higher than me that can take my pain away from me. It's believing that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity. This step we used to say was the "He can" step. The third step is letting go. It's trusting fully in His power to heal. This has been by far the most difficult step I still find myself faced with. Day-in and day-out I am reminded by fears that want to be controlled in some way or another. Pam used to tell me that whenever I felt anxious to say to myself, '1,2,3. 1,2,3.' She told me to say it over and over and to recite a short prayer afterwards letting go completely.

When I think about my life right now and where I stand I know that going forward is a difficult task in itself, however when adding another party to your healing process it becomes even more difficult to do. You cannot only not control yourself or your own life, but you cannot control the outcome of their actions either. At times you feel helpless and abused when they lose sight of the bigger picture that this is recovery for at least me, even if not them. Perhaps it is easier for me to focus on the '1,2,3' step process when it is just me because I am not handed any extra information at the most random and most uncomfortable times. It's almost impossible to actually move forward and heal when the idea of accepting what is and isn't past is out of your control. So this has been my battle recently.

I know that because of this struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, trying and giving up, cold or caring, love or apathy has weakened my faith. More often than not while there is this other person involved who is doing things to hurt me, or to hurt them, or giving me that information randomly...I find myself depressive, bound, burdened by stress. I feel trapped and hopeless but guilty for feeling as such.

I've grown selfish and angry. Because of my selfishness it is part of why I am avoiding the truth right now. Avoiding what should be done or should be confessed. I am no better, just another sinner, but what parts me from this other party is my willingness to strive for perfection, to strive for what is right and fair on all accounts. So, it is why I came back to write God a letter that I've been avoiding shamefully for days.

Father God,
I know that I have prayed small prayers throughout my days here recently. I know that I haven't forgotten you nor tried to disrespect you, but I know that I didn't give you all of me either. I know that I have forfeited control of my current living situation with my husband and the opportunities with job offers and life in general, but I know that I've protected my heart even just that slight sliver. I don't pretend to assume that You did not know. You are all knowing, all seeing, all mighty. My hesitation was out of guilt and my fear out of shame. I have an angered heart. My love hasn't been kind, nor patient, nor endearing. It has been jealous and boastful and envious. I have not only allowed poison from hell to strangle my heart in which is Yours, but I have allowed it to drench my skin with sin. My mouth I have controlled a little, but not as much as I could've. You've given me answers to questions I've had and yet I continued to search. Recently, today, I have defiled my body in the worst possible way. I have shattered good thoughts in my head with images that have stained my memory. I took what wasn't mine for my own pleasure in spite of my husband. I have desired evil things and spoke of poisonous wishes.
I have wounded my loved ones as well as myself. Father, I am sorry. I know that I am still weak in some areas and strong in others, but I know that my worst offense is that I was prideful. Because of my pride I thought today that I could control my own mind again and push the evil thoughts out, inserting new thoughts. I know that I only ended up selfishly acting again in an attempt to wipe clean my own slate. I tried to pretend it didn't happen and I am sorry that I was foolish to think that for one second I could get away with it, fool myself.

I am thankful of Your might, Your wisdom that you have shared with me. It is because of Your strength that has lead me to push through yet again so that I may move forward in Your plan. Father I know not the plans You have for me. I am scared that I will disappoint You, but I am hopeful You will see me through. Father I thank you for the gifts you have given me, the gift of knowing all sides to love and misfortune. I pray and ask for your forgiveness. I know that I do not deserve your grace but I ask selfishly anyway. Father I love you and with all of me I give to You now, every part I hand to You. From the tops of my nails to the veins in my heart; take it all and do with it what You will. I am yours forevermore. In your heavenly most awesome name, amen.