What I want to say would most likely be taken the wrong way and perhaps if I didn't choose my words wisely I would understand how they could harm the one person I love more than anyone else on this Earth.
What I want to say is this...
I'm tired.
I miss you.
I miss who you were then; when you gave everything for Him.
I'm exhausted by your negativity and pessimism that you find so funny.
You think it's humorous and not taken lightly when you make jokes, when you wreak of disdain, or frustration because you don't want to burden anyone by your true feelings, but you burden me.
You are a burden I choose to bare every day. What a horrible realization to say, but truth it is.
Sometimes, like today, I am reminded that I was chosen for you, and in that I find pride followed by fear. Pride because I'm happy that God chose me to be your wife, but also fear because of one day letting you get to me, to wear me down again.
Some times I struggle with shameful feelings for you. Shame not because of what you are, or your profession, but shame because you have such an ability that God is trying to use and you refuse to live life His way, completely, wholey for Him. I am ashamed when you bring people to believe that church or it's people are everything less than perfect in God's eyes.
You scream for fairness in the church and for your individualism to be recognized and welcomed, when outside of the church no one could tell you have God written in your heart. Why should they conform to your ways, if you refuse to respect His?
I love you so much that I choose to say nothing and sometimes I hate myself for not saying enough because I too have a job. My job is to be your help mate, to raise you to God so that you can lead for Him. Your lack of leadership...does that mean I'm not doing my job correctly?
I need you. I don't need you to hold my hand when it's tough, or to cry when you're scared. I need you to want God in every avenue of your life and mine, to always be searching for His will and His ways, to preciously, cautiously living your life by His guidelines. I need you to lead us.
What I want to say to you is grow up, pay attention, and hold yourself accountable. Sometimes I hate myself for marrying you because I know it only enables your thoughts of never having to try.
Today's sermon was a great reminder that we love each other only as much as we love ourselves and it should be the same for God. Sometimes when I'm weak and so angry that I am with you, the type of person you choose to be and having to accept that, knowing you are more deep down...I have to ask myself that question.
"How much do I love God? How much do I love my husband?"
I want to ask you where did you go and will you ever come back? You affect our lives in more ways than you like to admit and perhaps that's why it's so important for you to keep most things seperated, disconnected.
Sometimes I hate beind around you because you suck the life out of me, the joy out of the moments that should be appreciated because they're built by Him. You don't enjoy hardly anything He has given you unless it has monetary value, in which you praise it's presence. I neglect your judgement that I am a lower being because I do not know facts about Christ and do not have over 25 years of experience within the church, but I do not lack heart or compassion or enthusiasm and drive.
I push you because I'm impatient and who you choose to be is sometimes my worst nightmare, someone who's hateful, judgemental, and prideful beyond belief. How do I begin to break through? How do I begin to breathe around you?
I don't say all of these things because I hate you; there was a time of that. I say these things because I want so badly to say "come back my dear husband, please come back". I know that I cannot say any of these things to you, nor ask you to come back because you will not understand and you will make me regret ever being bored because of the burden, stress, and frustration it brings.
I don't want to say these things because I want to hurt you, that's my last intention always. I want to because I love you and I am ashamed of you as my brother because you know you can do better, you know that God deserves better, and yet you do things on your time as if it were your life and not His. Perhaps I should belittle you because of your excessive years in church and yet show little to know respect or love for Christ or His word.
Tonight I was embarassed by your behavior and thinking. You ridicule your roommate for his individualism and decline compromise in fear of confrontation, but yet you blame him for everything. Stand up and talk to him like a man would, instead of being a coward and allowing him to continue to bother you to the point of no return. Nonetheless don't you think that God puts people in our lives for a reason? You are God's son and you are supposed to not judge but love. You are supposed to not ridicule or pick and make fun of but be an example of forgiveness and mercy. You are supposed to ask God for your needs instead of taking them for yourself. Am I to belittle you for your lack of "experience" in Christ?
What I want to say more than anything else is darling husband you are meant for so much more than this life your living for yourself. Your misery will not share my company anymore and sooner than later your negativity will have the affect we saw before if you do not quickly change your ways. Darling husband God wants you to be just that, a husband, who not only does sweet things, or knows how to handle and control fights, but one who sees the bigger picture that this life is about nothing more than Him and you are to lead me and soon your children down the path for Him as well. How long will you make Christ wait for your stubborn pride to fall?
Father, tonight I ask for so much from You. Father, I know that there simply is too much to ask for and I know that I am just a sinner like the rest; that I am no different a human than anyone else. Father, I ask forgiveness of my sins and thank you for the opportunity to grow and be humbled to better serve you. I thank you for mending my broken heart by teaching me Your lessons. I ask Father that you continue to mold me and make me the way you shall have me carry Your will so that I may be a good and whole example for others like me, in search of Your mercy and love. Father, I also take this opportunity to say thank you for allowing me the precious blessing of seeing Steve come to you with an open heart and open mind, with a willingness to fight all judgement in search of you. Father, I ask that you help him yearn for the passion he once felt in serving Your will. I ask to humble his pride for it is larger than his love for You Father. Lastly, I am sorry. I am sorry for his behavior and his manner of living and I pray that you help him see the error of his ways. Father, I also selfishly ask for my husband to not only see the damaging effect of his negative attitude hindering love for himself, for You, but also for his wife. May he, in time, fully understand and have compassion. Father, thank you for your blessings, your strength, and your courage. I thank you for the endless patience and love that you have instilled in me to be able to handle a unique man such as he. Thank you for bringing him into my life, and I into his. In all your heavenly glory I pray, amen.
