It's no surprise that this morning's encouraging word from K-Love was Proverbs 12:22, "The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth."
Here's the truth.
The truth is I'm unhappy with our sex-life. It's not that I dislike anything that my husband does because I love everything he does and that is the full truth. What I'm unhappy about is the giant boulder of akwardness between us. We are unable to have an open conversation with one another without one, or both of us getting upset and taking something personally. The truth is that people change, people do evolve in their likes and dislikes. It's almost like food. This week I might really like spaghetti, but next week I might not want to go near it because I'm craving tacos instead. The same rules apply to sex and it's because of this perogative that we should both have the freedom to express what we do and don't like this week or next. Each time you're intimate is personal; it shouldn't lack connection or desire.
The truth is that I'm unhappy because of the boulder but also because of the desire. While our marriage bed has no less been tainted by both our wrong-doings now I feel as if it's lacking simply because of laziness.
If I were being completely honest and didn't feel the pressure to be judged I would say I feel cheated. It's not everytime I get all dazzled up; shower, shave, make-up, cute little outfit, but when I do I wonder "why should I be doing this?" I know that he appreciates the outfits and the efforts much more than he used to because he sees how much I want to please, than why would it be okay to not do the same for me? I'm not expecting it and I know that's true because the last time we were together I was trying so hard to be supportive and non-critical that I ended up just being sacrificial and self-neglecting after he finished but I did not. This is not a video where the main event is the man finishing and once that happens the video ends...this is real life and we both should feel that kind of release and pleasure.
Again, it's not that I'm complaining or saying that I'm better or that he's not as good as he used to be, or anything like that. But what I am saying is that I'm frustrated. Frustrated because I do spend time thinking that 'yes' he would like if I took care of my body because that would help him maintain his attraction to me, but that I go the extra mile and make sure that I'm striving to be perfect each time. I'll just spit out what I'm trying to cordially say. Why did it only last a little bit? Not that there's anything wrong with a quicky now and again but I spent almost 45 minutes in the shower shaving and then putting make-up on, and everything else and at first I truly meant that it was okay, because it was. I truly have been okay with it but now that I'm thinking...why did it stop there? Why does it seemingly always stop there? It's not that I'm broken because I've finished before but there have also been times when it's been quick but you prolonged it in every way you could. Does that mean that the last time we were together that you just weren't into it and that you could careless if we did but you saw how much I put into it and you didn't want to hurt my feelings?
The truth is I'm frustrated because I can't figure out how to help this, to fix this thing because at the end of the day the end result is me being immoral; hiding behind the scenes trying not to say too much that will hurt your feelings, but to make sure I say enough so you'll understand what I'm feeling or talking about. I thought I could go without and to sacrifice maybe just a few times when it wasn't rockin' my world, so that way I could build up your pride, your self-esteem. I thought I could not fake, but not be completely honest in order to get that end result that we both wanted. All that happens is you're tired because I keep trying to having sex with you and you finish and at the end I'm not so I end up going home and secretly doing things I shouldn't be doing. I can't live like that anymore. I can't, but I don't know how to help you understand, I don't know how to talk openly with you, and I don't know how to stop my feelings.
The truth is that I'm unhappy but chances are not as much as you think I am, by thinking I'm saying "we have a horrible sex-life". I'm not happy with it currently, but I'm happy it is much better than it was. We aren't there yet and I know we'll get back there but how if we can't even have a conversation with one another where there's no pressure, no fault, just understanding?
You think I like taking the blame of making something out of nothing? First of all it's not nothing and second of all, I don't. I'm not broken and I never was but I do know that ignoring what doesn't work and continuing to do it, doesn't work for anyone. All it does is allow me to lie to you because I'm afraid to hurt your feelings, and it hurts me because I'm lying, and secretly finding resolve at home, alone, which still gives me no satisfaction or release.
The truth is...I just want that release. I just want to feel no pressure, or like I'm the reason it's not good, or great, or grand because of my confidence. I'm fighting those thoughts...are you? I just want to be satisfied and you know how to, and where to, and so do I...so let's do it.
The truth is I wonder why you won't go down on me just randomly, just as a surprise, without personal gain? I wonder if you even desire sex these days and why not, what are you feeling? I wonder if it will always be where it feels like we're begging for sex and not just enjoying it as something to be envied by others. I wonder a lot but at this moment I wonder will we'll even get the opportunity to have that release together again? We've had a couple times in the past week where we have been together and boy they were fun and really great to spend that time with you, but why do I still feel unsatisfied? It's not just me thinking wrongly, or feeling wrongly because my feelings are real and they are just and aren't just some ficticious cause and effect of negative emotions.
I'm happy, but at the same time...I'm unhappy because I still feel that I have to watch something bad in order to find that release and then after its done, I still don't feel anything I would've felt with you. Deep down I'm crying for change, for help, for a release, for no pressure from you.
In time....the best is yet to come I guess.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Craftsssssss.........
What a crafty night I've had! Steve's mom not too long ago gave me all of her crafty crud because she and her husband were tired of toteing it around from house to house and she said she never found the time to use any of it. So, tonight I decided to get it out to see if there was anything I could use for the cowboy/girl gift basket that I'm making to donate to the Ladies' Day in Colorado in April.
I didn't find anything I could use for the basket but I did start to get ideas from what she did have. She's very much in love with bird houses and decorating them so I decided to decorate some myself.
Here's the finished product....nothing too masterful; just something to pass the time.
I didn't find anything I could use for the basket but I did start to get ideas from what she did have. She's very much in love with bird houses and decorating them so I decided to decorate some myself.
Here's the finished product....nothing too masterful; just something to pass the time.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Just another Tuesday
Remind me not to talk to his mom about hardly anything without first stating a disclaimer and making her sign it. Haha. No, in all seriousness, sometimes you think it should be easy to trust someone with something as small as a thought or an idea, but then there are a few people who take that idea and blow it out of the water, making you regret ever having it in the first place.
That's kind've like his mom at times. I love her to death but she's overbaring and pushy when all she needs to be is supportive and trusting. For instance...this morning I was saying how excited I was because Steve might do the physical trainer courses to get his license and start doing that. I think he'd be super great at it because he's very well educated, athletic, and has a unique ability to set his mind to doing something and following through with it. Right now it's just in the seed stage, but I'm worried she's going to blow it up, once again, making it so that he doesn't even want to mention another thing to anyone, especially me because I'm the one who talked about it.
While I know that I'm allowed to be excited and she's allowed to try and help, there just has to be some sort of common ground, which being that we're Christians you would think would be easy to do, however, it has been something I have fought for almost four years now; trust in God's time, God's way, God's will, that is.
You see, it's easy for all of them to assume that I don't know a single thing about God or His lessons considering I haven't grown up in the church. And it's easy for me to assume that they don't know that passion of God's lessons because they've been told to believe it all their lives. However, judgements aside, this entire family could stand to learn from God's lessons now and learn how to trust Him a little bit more than they do.
You see, when you get impatient and roll over someone's feelings because you want something to happen your way...you're not trusting God's time, His way. When you get upset because someone won't make a decision fast enough for you, but they are truly trying to figure it out...you're not trusting. And when you do everything for someone to get the outcome that you want....you're not trusting Him.
The latter has been a very difficult lesson for his whole family, including him to learn. It's almost as if they trust God with certain fates of their lives, like health, or wealth, but not with the everyday, day-to-day stuff that we are supposed to. Alot of times they will say what is necessary to get the reaction or outcome they desire, instead of rightful admitting the truth either good or bad and letting God give them what they need to handle the consequences.
Take it from me, God will humble you if you think you can outsmart Him. And He will make it His way, not yours, so all that stressing and over complicating situations just to control the situation is just extra work and strain you're putting on yourself.
This morning his mom proceeded to tell me that he is "alot like" his step-dad in that you have to do it for him, take his worries away so that he'll finally decide to do it. However, while I've done this on certain occasions to try and help Steve not be so afraid of certain things, that sort of attitude does nothing for their faith. It teaches them that they no longer have to actually do the work, because #1 someone will do it for them and #2 that God is not in control, you are.
I'm not overly stressed or worried about it because ultimately if he's meant to go down that path than God will allow it to happen on His time, not ours, and not under the control of someone elses' doing. So this morning I would like to pray, more than anything else.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I ask forgiveness of my sins. So much in the past I was impatient and worriesome and felt like I had must be in control. My wrongful thinking caused me to not put my faith in you, to not trust in you. I am sorry. I know Father that you have forgiven me so many times before and I am so thankful for the opportunity to ask for your mercy once again. I am sorry Father, and I do ask forgiveness for all of the times I chose to be in control instead of allowing You control over me. You have done such work in me and for which I am truly grateful! I wanted to ask that you continue to mold and make me to better serve you. Father I also wanted to ask for your help and patience with a situation that is not my own. Father, please work in Steve's heart and allow him to seek your comfort, your strength, and to ask for your courage when he needs it. Father, I want to ask that my husband find his confidence and self-worth in you and not in material items or people, even as close as they may be. I know that he wants to make you proud Father so today I ask that he see himself and others through your eyes and not his own, to find his hope and trust in You easily today. Father, I also ask that you be with Christine. Help her to find herself leaning on your words, your time, and your wonderful ways instead of her own. Help me father to not judge her by her old self, but see her as her new self through you. Help me find forgiveness for her old ways. Father I ask that you work in her heart to mend her aged wounds, so that she too can be truly molded and made to fit Your will. Father, take our worries and fear away, help us fly on wings like eagles today. In all Your glory and heavenly name I pray, amen. I love you!"
That's kind've like his mom at times. I love her to death but she's overbaring and pushy when all she needs to be is supportive and trusting. For instance...this morning I was saying how excited I was because Steve might do the physical trainer courses to get his license and start doing that. I think he'd be super great at it because he's very well educated, athletic, and has a unique ability to set his mind to doing something and following through with it. Right now it's just in the seed stage, but I'm worried she's going to blow it up, once again, making it so that he doesn't even want to mention another thing to anyone, especially me because I'm the one who talked about it.
While I know that I'm allowed to be excited and she's allowed to try and help, there just has to be some sort of common ground, which being that we're Christians you would think would be easy to do, however, it has been something I have fought for almost four years now; trust in God's time, God's way, God's will, that is.
You see, it's easy for all of them to assume that I don't know a single thing about God or His lessons considering I haven't grown up in the church. And it's easy for me to assume that they don't know that passion of God's lessons because they've been told to believe it all their lives. However, judgements aside, this entire family could stand to learn from God's lessons now and learn how to trust Him a little bit more than they do.
You see, when you get impatient and roll over someone's feelings because you want something to happen your way...you're not trusting God's time, His way. When you get upset because someone won't make a decision fast enough for you, but they are truly trying to figure it out...you're not trusting. And when you do everything for someone to get the outcome that you want....you're not trusting Him.
The latter has been a very difficult lesson for his whole family, including him to learn. It's almost as if they trust God with certain fates of their lives, like health, or wealth, but not with the everyday, day-to-day stuff that we are supposed to. Alot of times they will say what is necessary to get the reaction or outcome they desire, instead of rightful admitting the truth either good or bad and letting God give them what they need to handle the consequences.
Take it from me, God will humble you if you think you can outsmart Him. And He will make it His way, not yours, so all that stressing and over complicating situations just to control the situation is just extra work and strain you're putting on yourself.
This morning his mom proceeded to tell me that he is "alot like" his step-dad in that you have to do it for him, take his worries away so that he'll finally decide to do it. However, while I've done this on certain occasions to try and help Steve not be so afraid of certain things, that sort of attitude does nothing for their faith. It teaches them that they no longer have to actually do the work, because #1 someone will do it for them and #2 that God is not in control, you are.
I'm not overly stressed or worried about it because ultimately if he's meant to go down that path than God will allow it to happen on His time, not ours, and not under the control of someone elses' doing. So this morning I would like to pray, more than anything else.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I ask forgiveness of my sins. So much in the past I was impatient and worriesome and felt like I had must be in control. My wrongful thinking caused me to not put my faith in you, to not trust in you. I am sorry. I know Father that you have forgiven me so many times before and I am so thankful for the opportunity to ask for your mercy once again. I am sorry Father, and I do ask forgiveness for all of the times I chose to be in control instead of allowing You control over me. You have done such work in me and for which I am truly grateful! I wanted to ask that you continue to mold and make me to better serve you. Father I also wanted to ask for your help and patience with a situation that is not my own. Father, please work in Steve's heart and allow him to seek your comfort, your strength, and to ask for your courage when he needs it. Father, I want to ask that my husband find his confidence and self-worth in you and not in material items or people, even as close as they may be. I know that he wants to make you proud Father so today I ask that he see himself and others through your eyes and not his own, to find his hope and trust in You easily today. Father, I also ask that you be with Christine. Help her to find herself leaning on your words, your time, and your wonderful ways instead of her own. Help me father to not judge her by her old self, but see her as her new self through you. Help me find forgiveness for her old ways. Father I ask that you work in her heart to mend her aged wounds, so that she too can be truly molded and made to fit Your will. Father, take our worries and fear away, help us fly on wings like eagles today. In all Your glory and heavenly name I pray, amen. I love you!"
Monday, February 21, 2011
Goals
I want to finish school! I want to go back and finally get my business degree and finish my psychology degree! I would love nothing more than to possibly change my major to perhaps business so that in 3-5 years I can think about when I can open my own shop/boutique. In the time I'm in school I want to work my butt off to get rid of our credit card debt so that we can sell the red bug and give that money to mom to help pay off of her loan and be less for us to worry about, giving us the opportunity to have one credit card for emergencies and to pay it right off. I know that bankruptcy will not be something that is easy and it is by no means the easy way out because filing means you are taking the consequences of doing it the hard way in the future. Perhaps instead of bankruptcy maybe we could save enough money while living with AO to start making payments to pay it off. Maybe what we could do is make monthly payments into a savings account so that when we have enough money in there we can just pay off our debt all at once, boosting our credit even higher than before. I know that all of this will take time and I know that it's what I want.
Perhaps we don't need Dr. Archie to get by anymore. Maybe the more we learn, the less we move. That's what we both need, to move.
If we made a plan and a goal to raise $10,000 to pay off our debt and to make a deal with our credit cards we could be much better off than filing for bankruptcy, allowing us to get a car or a business loan in the future, but it would mean both of us on board, and making certain budgeting now for the future. I want to pay back our debt because it is our responsibility to and I know that God gave us that money and we owe it to Him to pay it back so that someone else can use it.
I want to go back to school and put my loans into deferrment, finish my degree, continue on with getting another degree, possibly journalism, or art while having a job that allows me to make the most amount of money to pay towards bills and loans and credit cards. That's what I want. I want in five years to have our credit cards paid off, to not have the red bug anymore, to possibly be able to upgrade Steve's car, and to be thinking about my personal future in the gift basket business.
In the meantime I could get a job with Hana Teppanyaki to make good tips, or maybe even Mellow Mushroom since they make alot. I could try for modeling. I could still try and sell my paintings and my gift baskets.
I think we could really make it work, if we work together and just live for the bigger picture instead of getting bogged down in our emotions and problems.
"God help us get there please!"
Perhaps we don't need Dr. Archie to get by anymore. Maybe the more we learn, the less we move. That's what we both need, to move.
If we made a plan and a goal to raise $10,000 to pay off our debt and to make a deal with our credit cards we could be much better off than filing for bankruptcy, allowing us to get a car or a business loan in the future, but it would mean both of us on board, and making certain budgeting now for the future. I want to pay back our debt because it is our responsibility to and I know that God gave us that money and we owe it to Him to pay it back so that someone else can use it.
I want to go back to school and put my loans into deferrment, finish my degree, continue on with getting another degree, possibly journalism, or art while having a job that allows me to make the most amount of money to pay towards bills and loans and credit cards. That's what I want. I want in five years to have our credit cards paid off, to not have the red bug anymore, to possibly be able to upgrade Steve's car, and to be thinking about my personal future in the gift basket business.
In the meantime I could get a job with Hana Teppanyaki to make good tips, or maybe even Mellow Mushroom since they make alot. I could try for modeling. I could still try and sell my paintings and my gift baskets.
I think we could really make it work, if we work together and just live for the bigger picture instead of getting bogged down in our emotions and problems.
"God help us get there please!"
Sunday, February 20, 2011
What can only be expressed through prayer...
What I want to say would most likely be taken the wrong way and perhaps if I didn't choose my words wisely I would understand how they could harm the one person I love more than anyone else on this Earth.
What I want to say is this...
I'm tired.
I miss you.
I miss who you were then; when you gave everything for Him.
I'm exhausted by your negativity and pessimism that you find so funny.
You think it's humorous and not taken lightly when you make jokes, when you wreak of disdain, or frustration because you don't want to burden anyone by your true feelings, but you burden me.
You are a burden I choose to bare every day. What a horrible realization to say, but truth it is.
Sometimes, like today, I am reminded that I was chosen for you, and in that I find pride followed by fear. Pride because I'm happy that God chose me to be your wife, but also fear because of one day letting you get to me, to wear me down again.
Some times I struggle with shameful feelings for you. Shame not because of what you are, or your profession, but shame because you have such an ability that God is trying to use and you refuse to live life His way, completely, wholey for Him. I am ashamed when you bring people to believe that church or it's people are everything less than perfect in God's eyes.
You scream for fairness in the church and for your individualism to be recognized and welcomed, when outside of the church no one could tell you have God written in your heart. Why should they conform to your ways, if you refuse to respect His?
I love you so much that I choose to say nothing and sometimes I hate myself for not saying enough because I too have a job. My job is to be your help mate, to raise you to God so that you can lead for Him. Your lack of leadership...does that mean I'm not doing my job correctly?
I need you. I don't need you to hold my hand when it's tough, or to cry when you're scared. I need you to want God in every avenue of your life and mine, to always be searching for His will and His ways, to preciously, cautiously living your life by His guidelines. I need you to lead us.
What I want to say to you is grow up, pay attention, and hold yourself accountable. Sometimes I hate myself for marrying you because I know it only enables your thoughts of never having to try.
Today's sermon was a great reminder that we love each other only as much as we love ourselves and it should be the same for God. Sometimes when I'm weak and so angry that I am with you, the type of person you choose to be and having to accept that, knowing you are more deep down...I have to ask myself that question.
"How much do I love God? How much do I love my husband?"
I want to ask you where did you go and will you ever come back? You affect our lives in more ways than you like to admit and perhaps that's why it's so important for you to keep most things seperated, disconnected.
Sometimes I hate beind around you because you suck the life out of me, the joy out of the moments that should be appreciated because they're built by Him. You don't enjoy hardly anything He has given you unless it has monetary value, in which you praise it's presence. I neglect your judgement that I am a lower being because I do not know facts about Christ and do not have over 25 years of experience within the church, but I do not lack heart or compassion or enthusiasm and drive.
I push you because I'm impatient and who you choose to be is sometimes my worst nightmare, someone who's hateful, judgemental, and prideful beyond belief. How do I begin to break through? How do I begin to breathe around you?
I don't say all of these things because I hate you; there was a time of that. I say these things because I want so badly to say "come back my dear husband, please come back". I know that I cannot say any of these things to you, nor ask you to come back because you will not understand and you will make me regret ever being bored because of the burden, stress, and frustration it brings.
I don't want to say these things because I want to hurt you, that's my last intention always. I want to because I love you and I am ashamed of you as my brother because you know you can do better, you know that God deserves better, and yet you do things on your time as if it were your life and not His. Perhaps I should belittle you because of your excessive years in church and yet show little to know respect or love for Christ or His word.
Tonight I was embarassed by your behavior and thinking. You ridicule your roommate for his individualism and decline compromise in fear of confrontation, but yet you blame him for everything. Stand up and talk to him like a man would, instead of being a coward and allowing him to continue to bother you to the point of no return. Nonetheless don't you think that God puts people in our lives for a reason? You are God's son and you are supposed to not judge but love. You are supposed to not ridicule or pick and make fun of but be an example of forgiveness and mercy. You are supposed to ask God for your needs instead of taking them for yourself. Am I to belittle you for your lack of "experience" in Christ?
What I want to say more than anything else is darling husband you are meant for so much more than this life your living for yourself. Your misery will not share my company anymore and sooner than later your negativity will have the affect we saw before if you do not quickly change your ways. Darling husband God wants you to be just that, a husband, who not only does sweet things, or knows how to handle and control fights, but one who sees the bigger picture that this life is about nothing more than Him and you are to lead me and soon your children down the path for Him as well. How long will you make Christ wait for your stubborn pride to fall?
Father, tonight I ask for so much from You. Father, I know that there simply is too much to ask for and I know that I am just a sinner like the rest; that I am no different a human than anyone else. Father, I ask forgiveness of my sins and thank you for the opportunity to grow and be humbled to better serve you. I thank you for mending my broken heart by teaching me Your lessons. I ask Father that you continue to mold me and make me the way you shall have me carry Your will so that I may be a good and whole example for others like me, in search of Your mercy and love. Father, I also take this opportunity to say thank you for allowing me the precious blessing of seeing Steve come to you with an open heart and open mind, with a willingness to fight all judgement in search of you. Father, I ask that you help him yearn for the passion he once felt in serving Your will. I ask to humble his pride for it is larger than his love for You Father. Lastly, I am sorry. I am sorry for his behavior and his manner of living and I pray that you help him see the error of his ways. Father, I also selfishly ask for my husband to not only see the damaging effect of his negative attitude hindering love for himself, for You, but also for his wife. May he, in time, fully understand and have compassion. Father, thank you for your blessings, your strength, and your courage. I thank you for the endless patience and love that you have instilled in me to be able to handle a unique man such as he. Thank you for bringing him into my life, and I into his. In all your heavenly glory I pray, amen.
What I want to say is this...
I'm tired.
I miss you.
I miss who you were then; when you gave everything for Him.
I'm exhausted by your negativity and pessimism that you find so funny.
You think it's humorous and not taken lightly when you make jokes, when you wreak of disdain, or frustration because you don't want to burden anyone by your true feelings, but you burden me.
You are a burden I choose to bare every day. What a horrible realization to say, but truth it is.
Sometimes, like today, I am reminded that I was chosen for you, and in that I find pride followed by fear. Pride because I'm happy that God chose me to be your wife, but also fear because of one day letting you get to me, to wear me down again.
Some times I struggle with shameful feelings for you. Shame not because of what you are, or your profession, but shame because you have such an ability that God is trying to use and you refuse to live life His way, completely, wholey for Him. I am ashamed when you bring people to believe that church or it's people are everything less than perfect in God's eyes.
You scream for fairness in the church and for your individualism to be recognized and welcomed, when outside of the church no one could tell you have God written in your heart. Why should they conform to your ways, if you refuse to respect His?
I love you so much that I choose to say nothing and sometimes I hate myself for not saying enough because I too have a job. My job is to be your help mate, to raise you to God so that you can lead for Him. Your lack of leadership...does that mean I'm not doing my job correctly?
I need you. I don't need you to hold my hand when it's tough, or to cry when you're scared. I need you to want God in every avenue of your life and mine, to always be searching for His will and His ways, to preciously, cautiously living your life by His guidelines. I need you to lead us.
What I want to say to you is grow up, pay attention, and hold yourself accountable. Sometimes I hate myself for marrying you because I know it only enables your thoughts of never having to try.
Today's sermon was a great reminder that we love each other only as much as we love ourselves and it should be the same for God. Sometimes when I'm weak and so angry that I am with you, the type of person you choose to be and having to accept that, knowing you are more deep down...I have to ask myself that question.
"How much do I love God? How much do I love my husband?"
I want to ask you where did you go and will you ever come back? You affect our lives in more ways than you like to admit and perhaps that's why it's so important for you to keep most things seperated, disconnected.
Sometimes I hate beind around you because you suck the life out of me, the joy out of the moments that should be appreciated because they're built by Him. You don't enjoy hardly anything He has given you unless it has monetary value, in which you praise it's presence. I neglect your judgement that I am a lower being because I do not know facts about Christ and do not have over 25 years of experience within the church, but I do not lack heart or compassion or enthusiasm and drive.
I push you because I'm impatient and who you choose to be is sometimes my worst nightmare, someone who's hateful, judgemental, and prideful beyond belief. How do I begin to break through? How do I begin to breathe around you?
I don't say all of these things because I hate you; there was a time of that. I say these things because I want so badly to say "come back my dear husband, please come back". I know that I cannot say any of these things to you, nor ask you to come back because you will not understand and you will make me regret ever being bored because of the burden, stress, and frustration it brings.
I don't want to say these things because I want to hurt you, that's my last intention always. I want to because I love you and I am ashamed of you as my brother because you know you can do better, you know that God deserves better, and yet you do things on your time as if it were your life and not His. Perhaps I should belittle you because of your excessive years in church and yet show little to know respect or love for Christ or His word.
Tonight I was embarassed by your behavior and thinking. You ridicule your roommate for his individualism and decline compromise in fear of confrontation, but yet you blame him for everything. Stand up and talk to him like a man would, instead of being a coward and allowing him to continue to bother you to the point of no return. Nonetheless don't you think that God puts people in our lives for a reason? You are God's son and you are supposed to not judge but love. You are supposed to not ridicule or pick and make fun of but be an example of forgiveness and mercy. You are supposed to ask God for your needs instead of taking them for yourself. Am I to belittle you for your lack of "experience" in Christ?
What I want to say more than anything else is darling husband you are meant for so much more than this life your living for yourself. Your misery will not share my company anymore and sooner than later your negativity will have the affect we saw before if you do not quickly change your ways. Darling husband God wants you to be just that, a husband, who not only does sweet things, or knows how to handle and control fights, but one who sees the bigger picture that this life is about nothing more than Him and you are to lead me and soon your children down the path for Him as well. How long will you make Christ wait for your stubborn pride to fall?
Father, tonight I ask for so much from You. Father, I know that there simply is too much to ask for and I know that I am just a sinner like the rest; that I am no different a human than anyone else. Father, I ask forgiveness of my sins and thank you for the opportunity to grow and be humbled to better serve you. I thank you for mending my broken heart by teaching me Your lessons. I ask Father that you continue to mold me and make me the way you shall have me carry Your will so that I may be a good and whole example for others like me, in search of Your mercy and love. Father, I also take this opportunity to say thank you for allowing me the precious blessing of seeing Steve come to you with an open heart and open mind, with a willingness to fight all judgement in search of you. Father, I ask that you help him yearn for the passion he once felt in serving Your will. I ask to humble his pride for it is larger than his love for You Father. Lastly, I am sorry. I am sorry for his behavior and his manner of living and I pray that you help him see the error of his ways. Father, I also selfishly ask for my husband to not only see the damaging effect of his negative attitude hindering love for himself, for You, but also for his wife. May he, in time, fully understand and have compassion. Father, thank you for your blessings, your strength, and your courage. I thank you for the endless patience and love that you have instilled in me to be able to handle a unique man such as he. Thank you for bringing him into my life, and I into his. In all your heavenly glory I pray, amen.
Monday, February 7, 2011
"You will not be bipolar today!"
Apparently telling myself that I'm not going to let my disorders take control over me does the trick. After writing the last post I decided to just man-up, which is something very difficult to do when you're someone like me. I called Diane and told her that before I take the position I'd like to just talk with her about some things as far as what I saw while shadowing. At first she tried to guilt me by saying she was going to "use" me today but that didn't work because you can't expect someone to work for you the day you want them to work only three hours from the time you originally called them. That's not my problem. So, I apologized for not being available, but at the same time I didn't feel guilty the way she'd hoped.
I stood up and told her that I wasn't certain if I was going to take the job and that the largest portion of why I wanted to take the time to think about it was because it's dealing with kids, not just a job for money. I have to really ask myself if I can be someone that is willing to be there for them and not the other way around. It would be my job but at the same time you have to provide stability and I wouldn't want to take the job without taking them into consideration.
So, I will most likely take the job and just remember that God believes in me and in my capabilities fully! He knows what I can and cannot do just yet and with Him I can do it all! I truly believe that if I stay close to Him, He will help me through it.
Just like He has with everything else.
I stood up and told her that I wasn't certain if I was going to take the job and that the largest portion of why I wanted to take the time to think about it was because it's dealing with kids, not just a job for money. I have to really ask myself if I can be someone that is willing to be there for them and not the other way around. It would be my job but at the same time you have to provide stability and I wouldn't want to take the job without taking them into consideration.
So, I will most likely take the job and just remember that God believes in me and in my capabilities fully! He knows what I can and cannot do just yet and with Him I can do it all! I truly believe that if I stay close to Him, He will help me through it.
Just like He has with everything else.
Decisions, decisions
Ugh! Sometimes I wish that I had Dr. Archie on-hand, whenever I needed him. Right now I'm having a hard time figuring out if I really want to work with those kids or not. It's not really a question of if I want to work with them or not, it's just a question of if God wants me to. So often I get caught up in understanding exactly what He wants me to do and I'm uncertain if it's the right thing or if I'm going to disappoint Him or not.
Honestly, I don't want to work the kids. I don't. I'd like to work with the YMCA with their summer camp program but I don't want to work with them now, even if it is temporary/substitute. What I need to do is just call Diane, bite the bullet of whether I'm going to "disappoint" Steve and everyone else with not taking the job because I need one right now and just tell her how I feel.
What I feel is that taking a job working with disregulated kids would put me at an even greater risk of over-working myself. On the other hand what if God is allowing me to have this opportunity because I need a job, I asked for money, and He knows I can handle it? What if I choose not to take it? Does that mean God will be mad at me or will that mean I'm smart because I knew it wasn't going to work out for me?
I get frustrated with myself because I do this. I make everything such a huge deal when it's really just simple. Decide. Commit. End of story. Ya know? It's just frustrating.
I could sit here and then turn it around on Diane and say well, in my interview she made such a big deal about me trying it out and figuring out if I'd like it because I had no experience, but now she doesn't even want to know if I liked it or if I think I'll be good with handling the kids. I thought that was so important?
But, in reality the truth of the matter is...I want my time by myself. I like this time. I'm afraid that I'll run myself ragged with those kids even though it's four hours a day for only two weeks and then summer camp. Maybe I'm silly for not taking it because it's just like babysitting, but I dislike babysitting.
Why can't I just make a decision for me, and go with it? Stand up for myself? Get some dang confidence and do it! It's like my stomach. I know that I should've passed on El Cerro and I know that Steve only asked me for lunch because AO wasn't home to go with him but I didn't. I was afraid that he wouldn't ask me again, would get mad, would cycle, etc. instead of looking out for myself. And now, I want to work out but I'm too lazy to do it. I'm angry with myself because if I would've just kept up with my routine and how good I felt about myself, and going for myself than I wouldn't have had to worry about where I am right now.
Maybe I should call Diane and just say that I'll take the job because I need the money but then only agree to the subsitute work and possibly summer camp but that today is a little last minute and that starting tomorrow would be good. At least then I would have time to get my mind right.
My mind.
Oh, the life of a bipolar individual married to a narcissist. Match made in heaven, we are.
Honestly, I don't want to work the kids. I don't. I'd like to work with the YMCA with their summer camp program but I don't want to work with them now, even if it is temporary/substitute. What I need to do is just call Diane, bite the bullet of whether I'm going to "disappoint" Steve and everyone else with not taking the job because I need one right now and just tell her how I feel.
What I feel is that taking a job working with disregulated kids would put me at an even greater risk of over-working myself. On the other hand what if God is allowing me to have this opportunity because I need a job, I asked for money, and He knows I can handle it? What if I choose not to take it? Does that mean God will be mad at me or will that mean I'm smart because I knew it wasn't going to work out for me?
I get frustrated with myself because I do this. I make everything such a huge deal when it's really just simple. Decide. Commit. End of story. Ya know? It's just frustrating.
I could sit here and then turn it around on Diane and say well, in my interview she made such a big deal about me trying it out and figuring out if I'd like it because I had no experience, but now she doesn't even want to know if I liked it or if I think I'll be good with handling the kids. I thought that was so important?
But, in reality the truth of the matter is...I want my time by myself. I like this time. I'm afraid that I'll run myself ragged with those kids even though it's four hours a day for only two weeks and then summer camp. Maybe I'm silly for not taking it because it's just like babysitting, but I dislike babysitting.
Why can't I just make a decision for me, and go with it? Stand up for myself? Get some dang confidence and do it! It's like my stomach. I know that I should've passed on El Cerro and I know that Steve only asked me for lunch because AO wasn't home to go with him but I didn't. I was afraid that he wouldn't ask me again, would get mad, would cycle, etc. instead of looking out for myself. And now, I want to work out but I'm too lazy to do it. I'm angry with myself because if I would've just kept up with my routine and how good I felt about myself, and going for myself than I wouldn't have had to worry about where I am right now.
Maybe I should call Diane and just say that I'll take the job because I need the money but then only agree to the subsitute work and possibly summer camp but that today is a little last minute and that starting tomorrow would be good. At least then I would have time to get my mind right.
My mind.
Oh, the life of a bipolar individual married to a narcissist. Match made in heaven, we are.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Incendiary
After making my muffin pan "fun" sized lasagnes I watched a movie called Incendiary, starring Michelle Williams. For the major part of the movie I sat trying to figure out how to say that word. Has that ever happened to you; captivated by a good book you stop at a word that you're unsure of its pronunciation, nonetheless clueless to it's meaning? Often when this happens to me I get stuck on it even chapters later, as if it stays at the entrance to my brain, waiting to be interpreted correctly.
I've come to find out that incendiary, when used as an adjective, can mean one of four scenarios, if not all. It was particularily used to describe the setting of fire to a property. When used as a noun it is related to all three definitions.
1. a person who deliberately sets fire to buildings or other property, as an arsonist.
2. military. a shell, bomb, or grenade containing napalm or thermite, or other substance that burns with instense heat.
3. a person who stirs up strife, sedition, etc.; an agitator
I have come to learn that this particular movie was released in 2008 and received mixed reviews. The synopsis reads an adulterous woman's life is torn apart when her husband and son are killed in a suicide bombing at a soccer game. I'm am certain after reading the synopsis that most would unjustly judge the content of this phenomenal movie without ever giving it another chance. This movie is about so much more than an act of desperation from a loveless marriage. It's more than the death of loved ones. I believe that this movie was created for the re-birth of not only and individual, but our nation.
After the 9/11 tragedy this nation and our American families struggled to find reason to be considered "survivors" of a horrific terrorist act. This movie captures the essence and necessity of strength through the most unbearable of times. Anyone could relate to this movie if they have lost someone who was truely their everything and had to rebuild from the bottom. Overall, this movie was one of the best movies I have seen because not only did she survive the adjective use of the word titling the movie, but she survived the internal death call caused by Osama Bin Laden, who can only be remembered as all definitions of the word incendiary.
I've come to find out that incendiary, when used as an adjective, can mean one of four scenarios, if not all. It was particularily used to describe the setting of fire to a property. When used as a noun it is related to all three definitions.
1. a person who deliberately sets fire to buildings or other property, as an arsonist.
2. military. a shell, bomb, or grenade containing napalm or thermite, or other substance that burns with instense heat.
3. a person who stirs up strife, sedition, etc.; an agitator
I have come to learn that this particular movie was released in 2008 and received mixed reviews. The synopsis reads an adulterous woman's life is torn apart when her husband and son are killed in a suicide bombing at a soccer game. I'm am certain after reading the synopsis that most would unjustly judge the content of this phenomenal movie without ever giving it another chance. This movie is about so much more than an act of desperation from a loveless marriage. It's more than the death of loved ones. I believe that this movie was created for the re-birth of not only and individual, but our nation.
After the 9/11 tragedy this nation and our American families struggled to find reason to be considered "survivors" of a horrific terrorist act. This movie captures the essence and necessity of strength through the most unbearable of times. Anyone could relate to this movie if they have lost someone who was truely their everything and had to rebuild from the bottom. Overall, this movie was one of the best movies I have seen because not only did she survive the adjective use of the word titling the movie, but she survived the internal death call caused by Osama Bin Laden, who can only be remembered as all definitions of the word incendiary.
Delicious Sundae Surprise
"Every basket is like a delicious sundae surprise", the wall would read in the most appealing font and color. Above a menu board with four columns; cone, ice cream, toppings, whipped cream & cherry.
Of course when you're making a basket you've got to start with a solid foundation, something that's going to be a substantial base that can support your delicious dessert. This could be a box, a basket, a cermaic bowl, a coffee mug. No matter the choice you're cone is just as important to think about in combination with which dessert you choose.
In this scenario the ice cream could be considered the bottom layer, before you put all of your taste-fabulous goodies on top. It's the filling underneathe the items that you choose that will also help hold your basket together. Items that could be considered ice cream could be a towel, for a spa basket, a cutting board to support the back of your kitchen themed basket, or it could be the type of paper that you choose to lower and raise your items for better display.
Next you have your toppings. Me, personally, I can't have ice cream, or rather do not enjoy ice cream by itself. I have to have toppings to really make my dessert long-lasting and satisfactory. They are what enhance the flavor of the ice cream and cone combination and without them...there truly is no point. Whether it be bath soaps, wine and cheese, or candy for a movie-themed basket you must think carefully in choosing your toppings. There has to be a purpose; a rhyme and reason for the toppings you choose because otherwise you end up with something that simply is neither appealing nor appetizing.
Last, to top off your after-dinner delight you must have your whipped cream and cherry. Even if you don't particularily like whipped cream or cherries, most order sundaes without asking for it to be taken off because they figure that someone else they're sharing with might want it. This is true in the basket creating business as well and a delicious sundae surprise just isn't the same without it.
Of course when you're making a basket you've got to start with a solid foundation, something that's going to be a substantial base that can support your delicious dessert. This could be a box, a basket, a cermaic bowl, a coffee mug. No matter the choice you're cone is just as important to think about in combination with which dessert you choose.
In this scenario the ice cream could be considered the bottom layer, before you put all of your taste-fabulous goodies on top. It's the filling underneathe the items that you choose that will also help hold your basket together. Items that could be considered ice cream could be a towel, for a spa basket, a cutting board to support the back of your kitchen themed basket, or it could be the type of paper that you choose to lower and raise your items for better display.
Next you have your toppings. Me, personally, I can't have ice cream, or rather do not enjoy ice cream by itself. I have to have toppings to really make my dessert long-lasting and satisfactory. They are what enhance the flavor of the ice cream and cone combination and without them...there truly is no point. Whether it be bath soaps, wine and cheese, or candy for a movie-themed basket you must think carefully in choosing your toppings. There has to be a purpose; a rhyme and reason for the toppings you choose because otherwise you end up with something that simply is neither appealing nor appetizing.
Last, to top off your after-dinner delight you must have your whipped cream and cherry. Even if you don't particularily like whipped cream or cherries, most order sundaes without asking for it to be taken off because they figure that someone else they're sharing with might want it. This is true in the basket creating business as well and a delicious sundae surprise just isn't the same without it.
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