Should something like a marriage be a place where you're still just living your life? Should it be that you're living a life for someone else? Should it be that you're only a part of someone's life, playing a supporting character but not really half of the whole show?
Maybe I still haven't figured out what this marriage was, is, or will become.
I know now as I sit here and wonder that isn't a life that I thought I would have. Do I love my narcissist? Yes, absolutely! Is my frustrations merely just a side affect of spending eternity with one person? I'm not sure. I know that a lot of things in life aren't meant to be solved and that questioning the 'why's' are pointless. I know that there are times when I don't know anything, but this much is true that it's not the life I wanted.
Never in my wildest of dreams did I think that I would have a life that I live, married to a man that I love, one day going to have children together...who doesn't even know who I am or what I do; who may not even care about my life and if I live it for me, God, but only if I play a valid part in his life.
The downside of narcissm is loneliness; loneliness in the partners life. A lot of times they're oblivious to the lives that live outside of theirs and if it's not for their sole purpose of survival it should not and does not exist.
Take this blog for example. I write in it. It's a place where I can come and be safe with my thoughts. I want it to be something to help others, if they read. In most instances I would like to have my partner read it because he's interested in how I work, in my mind, in my thoughts, in my life which is very difficult for the brain of a narcissist to do.
Most of the time I feel like I'm just a person living a completely seperate life from my partner without him ever knowing it. Every little move that I make doesn't seem to make one bit of difference, right or wrong unless it involves him. If it is something that is "wrong" by my biblical standards than it's not worth the time spent helping to encourage that it was wrong for those reasons, at least not to him. If it's something that has directly resulted in affecting his life, it is completely unacceptable.
Should this be the way a marriage is to survive? Can it survive this way?
Not so long ago I lost friends and family because of these decisions that I've made, to sacrifice, to make time for, to learn my lines for this never-ending opera. If you ask me why I did I'll say it was because of love. I'll say at first it was because I loved my narcissist before I knew who he truly was. After that it was because I loved my narcissist because I knew who he truly was. But somewhere in my complete personal overhaul did I choose to do what I did because I loved God despite of who my narcissist was, or possibly will be.
My life is a great life. It's life. I live for God and I'm grateful for what I have. If I can't stand up to any of the promises I've made to myself, to my narcissit or anyone else...I have to be willing to stand up for the promise I made to God no matter how I'm feeling. There are most certainly great times between us, however, there is most certainly a 'but' that follows that statement. Should there be?
Most of the time at the end of a long, strenuous, stressful, frustrating day I have to ask myself not how much I love my narcissist, but rather how much do I love God. Do I love him enough to carry the burden of being a wife to a narcissist?
I realize now that to wonder if he'll change, or even if he can, isn't right to do. I believe more in the power of God than I do my narcissist and with that I know that he will. God is strong even when partner is weak and God is humble even when my he is too proud. I know that with God's help and guidance that he will change some day. One day God will provide strength and courage to my narcissist so that he will no longer be stuck in his days of selfishness and blame. I know that God works in His time, not mine. Suddenly as I write I feel relief to know that it's ok to live my life accordingly, not selfishly, or sacrificially.
I know that it is not my responsibility to change him, it is His. God has shown me the power of giving my narcissist to Him and I have lost that. When I left my narcissist for the first time I was afraid. I was afraid but I knew I wouldn't survive otherwise. I didn't just decide for myself, I decided for my narcissist that I did him no good falling in the hole with him.
On the car ride to my new apartment I cried, and cried but what I remember saying is this: "Take him. Father take him. He is yours now. I'm sorry if I've made the wrong decision. I'm sorry I couldn't change him."
In time God worked in his heart and even though it was painful to watch God gave me what I wanted and He will do it again. I'm thankful for the work He has done in me, especially with the knowledge and experience of letting God handle my narcissist.
So the only question that remains now is "What will I choose to do with my time in waiting?" To that I'll answer, "defy gravity and live to the fullest for Him and only Him!"
