"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for today is its own trouble." -Matthew 6:34
Boy it's that true! It seemed like all day yesterday I was worried about how today would go. Our store manager at Kirkland's has worked her final day and we are getting a new manager in. Not only are we getting a new manager, we're then getting another store manager from Kentucky or Tennessee who also "runs a tight ship" who will be training our new store manager, Jessica. While I'm excited for Alesa and her new adventure and excited for the new changes in our own store, I'm not excited for the added pressure to perform. I was just getting to a point where Alesa and Tabby had full confidence in my position as third key assistant manager. They would allow me to do pretty much whatever it was that I thought was necessary as far as the stockroom and the sales floor visuals, but now I'm just not sure that Jessica will have the same confidence. As hard as it is to leave life outside of work seperate from work, in my life it is especially difficult because with bipolar you must maintain a stable environment. While things like work or your work schedule, especially in Myrtle Beach, the retail capitol, are inevitable to change, something has to maintain a 'safe zone'. This 'zone' often is used for no stress or expectations what-so-ever. Right now I feel like my senses has been bombarded because I feel expectations from every part of my life, even in my home which I live by myself.
I know that with my condition I am supposed to do regualar things to keep me from going manic but at the same time in my home part of the reason I would hardly keep it as clean and spotless as most would like was because I liked having no expectations. I liked not having to do the dishes because I was afraid someone who came over would think I was a pig. I liked not always having to make my bed and I fear that now that Steve and I are trying to help each other that he'll see those things as signs of depression and mania that are simply just signs of me trusting there to be no expectations. I know that it's necessary to keep a clean house and often my "no expectations" mode at home doesn't spare room for then not being able to have company over due to the messy atmosphere. So, in this situation it's sort of become a catch twenty two. No one comes over which means no expectation of cleaning, which means no cleaning, which then results in no one coming over.
To add more stress I've decided to continue looking for another job. I've been applying to several jobs for a second job to counteract the hours I've lost at Kirklands. I love working there, however, and I'm scared that if I leave I won't have that safe environment anymore, which now that Alesa is gone, that environment has been changed, contaminated if you will. So, as loving and understanding of our needs God has thrown a great opportunity my way. Earthbound Trading Company is still looking for a Store Manager. I've applied thinking that my application would get thrown to the way-side, but low and behold the glory of God they're wanting to do an interview with me today at 11am. As the time started to tick away I can feel myself having all of these anxious feelings.
The best way to describe these feelings is that for the past four days that I've been off, I've been living in a fantasy land where it was all about nothing more than me and my husband getting along. Now that life has intermixed with that fantasy where we now have to add work and friends and cooking food, it feels overwhelming. I'm frustrated because it's like I didn't notice how I was acting until just now, which is just the kind of behavior that gets you hurt. I'm frustrated because I've missed spending so much time with him because of all of things that remained stuck between us that when I finally get a dose of it, bliss, I forget about everything else; work, my friends, my personal obligations and practices that have kept me sane thus far.
It frustrates me because then I feel like an idiot when I do get hurt, but not only then. I feel like that sort of right now, like that's the reason why I am the way I am, because I'm bipolar. See when it's controllable and I'm in my own world, doing things I have to in order to survive the day I feel like I'm in control of it, like I'm curing and regulating it. But when I forget about all of those things I started myself that did help me and allow Steve to be the only regulation I soon recognize that I'm not curing anything, I'm simply just going through the motions. It's hard to explain but it's inside me, it's my feelings, it's often my nightmare.
I know that I have to learn to stand up for what I know works for me. If I need time to take care of myself than I need to learn how to say that and not feel guilty like I've just lost a chance to spend time with him and now I'll never get it back. That's how I feel. Sometimes I don't feel like our marriage is forever; it feels like I have to go with the flow every chance I get because if I don't it might not ever happen again. To live your life like that creates higher expectations than you can meet, it creates a pressure of always having to make the right decision in an instant.
Even if I could deal with not standing up for all of those other things when we're together, I hate myself for falling away from God. I miss out on my faith because I'm willing to sacrifice that time spent with Christ for time spent with my husband. It truly should be the other way around and it's like there are parts of me that are better in control than others and that's one that takes control. It's frustrating because I dont' know how to stop it unless something bad is happening where it's easy to let go of him for Him. I feel bad because God deserves all of my attention all the time, not just when I'm sad or anxious or down.
I wish I just knew how to get rid of these parts of me or at least learn to control them better.
I'm sorry Father, You truly deserve more. I know what I'm doing and I'm not sure how to stop it. I'm confused all the time and I've been worried not only that I'll miss out on time spent with my husband, but time spent with You. It's like in this life I've been taught through the past few years that it has to be just one of you, not both. I want it to be both but I don't know how to make it. Father, I ask Your help in finding out how. Help me find those answers and steady my heart in the meantime. I ask forgiveness of my sins for I know I have hurt You. I love You and want to serve You! In Your heavenly name, amen.
