Today, I've got one thing on my mind. One idea that I just can't seem to understand and maybe the riddle of life is that we aren't supposed to understand everything. God's ways are His ways anyway and I get that. I get that we're not supposed to understand everything but we're supposed to hope, and love, and fear Him.
The past few days has been a whirlwind of emotion all over again. I've got from blissful, to manic, to depressive, to happy, to just plain okay. It's been an irratic and uncontrollable and I've realized more than anything today a few things.
Number one, sometimes it's easier to give advice than it is to truly retain it and use it yourself. In my last post I talked about how God's timing is perfect but I also talked about those defining moments where you are environmental, physically, emotionally, and spiritually forced to make a decision that's going to "define" how you live your life after that. Because God is such an amazing Father we get ample opportunities to make, what seems like the same choices over and over if we don't choose wisely the first time. He's a giver of opportunities and multiple chances...why? The simple answer is because His love for us is beyond any measure of doubt. He sent His son while we were all still sinners and while we all hated Jesus, He died for us. Maybe because we hear this story told over and over we aren't fully able to really take it in. It's not just a story in a book that some guy wrote a long time ago and we doubt ever truly existed. It's real as if it were today. And maybe because we hear it so much it's to be a reminder of such. Regardless, that's not the first point I'd like to make. Recently, my faith and love for God has been tested beyond measures and while I've fallen short on several occasions, ultimately I've chosen Him yet again. I believe that throughout my life God has given me numerous opportunities to stand up for myself and my beliefs, to have that push that I needed to enter that next part of the journey. Last night was sort of the last straw and it became more clear to me that's what was happening.
Satan was using the most important person in my life, the closest to my heart against me, and he was trying to destroy my faith. It's what he does best, but this seemed more tricky than he's ever been before, to which I can only assume his own fears of losing me. It's funny because a couple of nights ago I remember going to bed and saying, "bring it on satan, bring it on". He definitely listened and brought on more than I could possible take, but with the help from God's wisdom through a friend and scriptures and my heart I didn't crumble. Last night I had my defining moment and although it may seem small to some, or selfish to others, or fears to others, for me...it was the moment where I excelled in the next chapter of my life. It was extremely scary because I'm afraid that I'll lose that person that means the most to me, but at the same time I can't sacrifice myself or my own faith just to keep that person. I'd be doing no glory for God, no justice for myself, and nothing for that other person.
The second thing I wanted to talk about has to do with the first. Giving, or at thinking you give more than others give you. What I've begun to read in my 12 Steps book is that sometimes these are flaws that develop from a dysfunctional family growing up that has translated into unhealthy thinking that make you either think that people are just out to get the good guy, or to think that you're better than someone else because you self-sacrifice or whatever. From listening to Jay, pastor of Grand Strand Church of Christ, God tells us that we are ALL on equal ground and that we ALL are going to the judgement. This concept and idea is so humbling to me because thinking about it I'm reminded that my peers, the ones who choose to ignore me instead of reaching out and encouraging, or the people at work who choose to live a different life from mine, with different religious backgrounds...we are ALL on equal ground and we are ALL going to be judged one day. Maybe I'm rare in this thinking but at the same time I'm flawed too. I can judge as well but when I think about the fact that a gay friend or a murder or a rapist out in the world today...I try my best not to be hurt or offended by their actions because number 1 they were innocent babies too, number 2 they are humans who've chosen a different path than I, and number three they aren't wrong if they truly haven't found the right path yet. That path is God and Jesus Christ and it's our job to help them find it, with the wisdom and glory He gives to us to help them find it. It's not our job to judge or shame or condemn them. So this second topic isn't only directed towards the "worst of the worst" if you choose to look at it that way, it's directed towards all sinners, including myself and the sincerity of our intentions to edify and encourage others, not because we're the good guys and one day we'll be blessed because of it, but because we are children of God and this is our job, this is what we're paid for and if you're paid with nothing less than life with no riches but you have faith that God is Lord and Almighty than you're the one of the riches in the world, I'd say. So, when I get frustrated because I send a mass text to friends edifying and encouraging them to have a wonderful day it should be because I'm doing my job and not because I expect them to reach out to me when I'm sad. This is often where I am wrong and where I need to practice patience, which brings me to third topic I'd like to talk about.
However, I have to start getting ready for work so I'm going to go and I'll write more later after work. Thank you for taking the time in reading this post and my hope is that something in this blog has pierced your heart, giving you the notion to open your eyes and see that there just might be a defining moment right around the corner, waiting to be made. May I encourage you to fight the fears and take that first step; we'll do it together.
