In light of Halloween I've chosen to write about my costume, or rather my not-so-desired apparel. I am the invisible woman this year. I haven't necessarily chosen it, but it has chosen me.
Father, in truth I don't know what to say. "Come as you are", they tell us, You tell us. What am I? Am I a disorder? Am I a daughter? Am I even a friend to anyone? When I get in this mode its not that I pull away on purpose, it's not that I'm angry at You, it's not that I'm prideful and think I can do it alone. It's because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to ask for. I don't know how to react or respond and I feel that either way I'm invisible; not to You of course, You truly love me. You're the only one that hasn't left me, neglected me, abandoned me. At times like these I feel so ungrateful for the life you've chosen for me. I'm confused by it though. I don't know what You expect of me, I don't know why I am the way I am or for what purpose. Today, more than anything else, I feel angry. When I ask myself why do I feel angry and know the immediate response. It's not because of everyone else, because of the Chris' of this world who just suddenly stop talking to me because I become irritating or annoying or uninteresting, it's because of my own thoughts of myself. I feel inadequate. I feel evil. I feel uninteresting and unpretty and everything I shouldn't feel. On the other hand I can tell myself that's not true, that I am simply because I'm Yours but then why is it that people surrounding me do not try to disprove those reels running through my brain? I'm angry because I really need human interaction, to have friends. I'm much better when I have someone or something to lean on, to help me laugh, to take my mind off of things, but no matter how hard I try I can't seem to find friends who won't just ditch me when I become irritating or uninteresting. Even my "church" friends can't make time for me but they make time for others in the church. What makes everyone else around me so much more than I am? Why is my life chosen to be of such loneliness and emptiness? Why must I always just rely on Your love to get through, to sometimes feel like I can barely make it? Am I asking for too much? I give them all my time, my love, my patience, my understanding, my forgiveness. When they think of fun things to do, they do not call me, they do not think of me, why Father? Why? For years I've struggled with this and I've taken it out on Steve and others because of my anger towards them having what I want. I try not to be envious but I know I'm wrong for being jealous. I am jealous. I want a family. I want a father and a mother who wants to do anything for me, to show me such love, to care so much, to be willing to sacrifice anything for me, to if nothing else want me in their lives, and who aren't too prideful to make the attempts. I want a family who makes time for me, to call me if I'm down, to just say "I love you" for no reason. To send cards and flowers 'just because'. Am I just not noticing these things? Is it me and my faulty think, my "imagined abandonment"? Or is it that these people in my life truly are just sitting and waiting for me to ask them, for me to reach out to them, and the whole time it's just that I will always and forever have to do all the work to get them to want to be with me, to hear me, to see me, to love me.
Am I asking a monumental request? Is it too much to ask for one friend? I know that I should not want it to be my husband. I know that relying on him means I'm dependent, which is a huge turn off and adds too much stress for him. He has his best friends, people he can talk to about anything, people who know when all he needs is a movie or new Warhammer stuff to take his mind off of things or to cheer him up. He has people who confide in him their problems. He's a good man and I am happy he has these things. I do not wish on anyone the loneliness I feel in trying to make people want me. Is that my fault? Should I not try? Should I stand proud each day at the mirror saying, "God is your friend and you don't need anyone else". I'm a human. I need human interaction. Why can't I find that? Have I not tried hard enough to reach out? Have I not shown enough love? Have I not been forgiving or understanding enough? Why Father?
Is it that my purpose is so great that I need not have friends but to still give to them as thow they'd do the same for me? Have they done the same for me and I've taken advantage of that, neglecting their needs, being selfish and a bad friend? Everyone walks away, loses interest, chooses something else.
Father, I don't know what to ask for but my heart is heavy and my shoulders tense. I am anxious and time has easily slipped away. I feel as though I'm failing you, failing myself, failing Steve. I feel pressure to do well at work because I cannot afford to lose my job and no one will help pick me up. I cannot afford to lean on anyone but myself and at times my knees grow weak and I am sick.
My prayer is for something I know nothing about. I continue to dig holes for myself not ever getting out. Am I getting better? Will I ever? Is it possible for me?
A dear friend of mine told me I bless others' lives. I miss him, rather that side of him; the side you used to help me along. For a little while it was easy, relaxed, fun. Father there is something I need but I'm not sure what it is. I ask that you take all of my dark areas away. I feel myself slipping and before I fall I ask for you to hold me up just a little longer. I know I shouldn't even be allowed to ask because I am ungrateful, I am what I am, but "come as you are" rings in my ears and what I am is broken. Father, please fix me, fix me.
In your most Holy name, amen.
Love,
Kathryn
