Here's the thing.
I have never pretended to be perfect. In most ways I am expectedly unperfect, but in other ways I am extraordinary. Do I have room to grow? Absolutely! This blog, "Me, My Narcissist, and God" is my story. It's my life. Day-in and day-out.
I know that to prove to myself and to my narcissist that anything is possible I have to step it up. I have to take that leap and try to defy gravity. Perhaps this is why I was chosen to be his wife, perhaps it's farther from God's plan than He would intend. I have to trust that He knows what's right and I've always, even as a kid, known that He was there.
I'd like to tell you of a little girl. She lived all alone with her dad and sister. Once upon a time she had a mother. After her mother and father divorced she lived vibrantly in the little girls imagination. Her mother could be "anything", she'd say but she'd always be there when she was needed most. The little girl was a tom-boy at first but after she and her family moved she got lost between the cracks. On one side you had the little girls who had their mother and were complete as women and on the other side you had the little girls who only had their daddy but were always known for being daddy's little girl. This little girl couldn't quite manage either one.
After her sister moved out of the house the little girl took care of her father, loving, feeding, and idolizing him as if she were 'daddy's little girl'. As the girl grew older and more reluctant to be her father's maid their relationship grew to non-existent.
One could say that because of the way the little girl grew up that she was bound to be labeled as damaged, which certainly wasn't short of her self-evaluations.
Years passed and she found herself two years into the marriage with problems from ear to ear. "Was she the one who caused it all for being 'damaged' goods?" Most would assume, "yes, she was". It was safe to presume that because she had fewer cheerleaders routing for her and less family that it had to be her that would be the death of the marriage.
Now at this point in the story don't believe everything that meets the eye, she was most certainly damaged in some ways, but "broken" she was not. All she needed was a little faith in her, a few more cheerleaders and she'd be ready to leave all the 'damaged' for good.
Now, the only question left wasn't whether she could do anything, but rather if she would.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Future Predictions
So many things running through my head right now. The majority of "lessons" I've learned are coming down to one single thought. "Have I truly learned from my mistakes enough to know not to let them happen again?"
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Saturday, January 22, 2011
3rd Wheel
Never did I imagine that when my husband decided to move out, on his own was it because he wanted to have the single life instead of accepting responsibilities as a husband. Never did I think that I was alone because he wanted to have fun and never did I think that I sold my beautiful things in my apartment to move in with someone who wasn't committed to me. I wouldn't have, I was fine where I was. In reality I needed that time to be myself, to find who I was instead of jumping into another relationship. It's upsetting to think the whole time I knew what was going on and no one believed me and when they had the slightest bit of validity they disregarded it with justifications and blame.
I was certain and no one believed me. Just like I was certain to know that we would never have a seperate life outside of his friends or family lerking around us. Do I like their involvement? I like their love, unconditional love but we both know that doesn't exist to them unless you're perfect or blood. I am neither so it was different for me, completely different.
I do not intend to complain about the past but rather hindsights point of view.
What I feel today isn't about his family it's about his friends. Don't get me wrong on a happy day I'm glad to spend time with them, they are fun, and at the right time just what one needs, but they aren't and shouldn't be such a large part of this marriage. In a way it's what I've always been fighting for for this marriage and haven't won. Just when I think I've made my point there you'll find another obstacle stuck in between us. First it was committment, then addiction, then truth, distance, family, time, and now friends. When will it just be us? Us?
Will it ever be just us? Us having fun just being friends and spending quality time together; not quanitity, but quality.
I miss that. I miss my husband. I miss it being a no brainer to come home and ask me what's for dinner instead of a roommate. I miss the "let's go get breakfast" on the weekends or before church. I miss the time when it was just us where I had my husband all to myself and didn't have to share him to any other person, woman, video game, family event, or friends tagging along.
A lot of times I wonder if his lack of enthusiasm to be 'just us' is because of me, because I am boring. I am not like other woman who have the full package, who have brains. I somehow fell through the cracks and all I have is self-taught knowledge from years of learning how to read people and what is or isn't truth. Isn't that enough? Or shouldn't it be?
It's depressing when I look into our future, into my future and see my own disappointment; to see a life like his parents. I want to be happy and I want to be full, a healthy marriage the way that God intended it to be; us and Him.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have taken my chance to leave. What always stops me from believing it was a better choice are two things. Well, maybe, now that I'm thinking about it just one. I loved God too much to walk away from the promise of forever with this man that I chose. I could break 1000 promises to others in this world and be okay with it somehow, but knowing that I broke that one promise to God...I don't know how I would respond or what I would do, but I know I would be sad.
Haha I guess either way I've come out sad.
Maybe it's just the weather.
I was certain and no one believed me. Just like I was certain to know that we would never have a seperate life outside of his friends or family lerking around us. Do I like their involvement? I like their love, unconditional love but we both know that doesn't exist to them unless you're perfect or blood. I am neither so it was different for me, completely different.
I do not intend to complain about the past but rather hindsights point of view.
What I feel today isn't about his family it's about his friends. Don't get me wrong on a happy day I'm glad to spend time with them, they are fun, and at the right time just what one needs, but they aren't and shouldn't be such a large part of this marriage. In a way it's what I've always been fighting for for this marriage and haven't won. Just when I think I've made my point there you'll find another obstacle stuck in between us. First it was committment, then addiction, then truth, distance, family, time, and now friends. When will it just be us? Us?
Will it ever be just us? Us having fun just being friends and spending quality time together; not quanitity, but quality.
I miss that. I miss my husband. I miss it being a no brainer to come home and ask me what's for dinner instead of a roommate. I miss the "let's go get breakfast" on the weekends or before church. I miss the time when it was just us where I had my husband all to myself and didn't have to share him to any other person, woman, video game, family event, or friends tagging along.
A lot of times I wonder if his lack of enthusiasm to be 'just us' is because of me, because I am boring. I am not like other woman who have the full package, who have brains. I somehow fell through the cracks and all I have is self-taught knowledge from years of learning how to read people and what is or isn't truth. Isn't that enough? Or shouldn't it be?
It's depressing when I look into our future, into my future and see my own disappointment; to see a life like his parents. I want to be happy and I want to be full, a healthy marriage the way that God intended it to be; us and Him.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have taken my chance to leave. What always stops me from believing it was a better choice are two things. Well, maybe, now that I'm thinking about it just one. I loved God too much to walk away from the promise of forever with this man that I chose. I could break 1000 promises to others in this world and be okay with it somehow, but knowing that I broke that one promise to God...I don't know how I would respond or what I would do, but I know I would be sad.
Haha I guess either way I've come out sad.
Maybe it's just the weather.
Yesterday's Encouraging Word
I'm not surprised by checking my e-mail today and seeing that Titus 2:7 was yesterday's encouraging word from K-LOVE. It goes very well with the story I told you in yesterday's post about my friends questions.
"And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching." -Titus 2:7
Thank you Father for listening so intently!
"And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching." -Titus 2:7
Thank you Father for listening so intently!
Friday, January 21, 2011
"Through Christ Who Strengthens Us"
Sometimes I start to seriously doubt my existence in the spiritual world. Sometimes I think that I am not doing God justice by living my life for Him. However, sometimes just when I forget that I play such a valuable part in God's meticulous plan, He'll show me why He needs me. He has entrusted so much faith, strength, and courage within me. At times when I think about where I was in my life and where I am now it's almost as if there's a transformation of souls.
It used to be my entire life, everything was me, but the more I've let God work in my heart the more I am like Him and suddenly this life doesn't continue as mine anymore. Rather I am the body that serves His purpose. I am His arms and His legs here on this Earth and when I think about it that way it makes it that much easier for me to remember that I have a job to do for Him.
Love.
Love is such a powerful thing. Love isn't just something you share with a partner, a spouse, a friend. Love isn't your favorite movie or spaghetti sauce. Love is what happens when you are afraid but you take a chance any way. Love is forgiving. Love is kind and patient. Love is allowing an enemy to become your best friend. Love is helping the guy who knew he was wrong. Love is never abandoning a true friend but always praying for them even when you don't get the same in return. Love is something that helps us survive and without it we are nothing.
Sometimes I wonder why I gave my husband chance after chance to break my heart all over again. I'm sure he could say the same thing. I wonder what's wrong with me when I allow lies to happen but I forgive them anyway. I wonder what in the world was I thinking by trying to be friends with someone I can't stand, or don't get along with, let alone doesn't care about me the same way. I wonder about the times when I choose to put my feelings aside for the sake of explaining something to someone else, or being there for a person who needs me to be.
Today I started to forget and I started to wonder. But then something amazing happened, something so little that to the human eye could be mistaken, forgotten, or even unappreciated.
I have a friend, one whom I've only met through one of those many lies told. She is one I never thought I'd ever understand, let alone be friends with. There are things about her that I do not agree with, things she does that I do not condone but empathize with her options. At times I envy her beauty but I also see her flaws. She asked me today about God. She asked me; a person she doesn't know much.
She asked me a couple of questions she had about the Bible and evolution because of something that happened to her today. She began to tell me that a friend of hers told her she was destined to hell for believing in evolution and other things. She proceeded to tell me that this friend considered themselves as one who believed and followed Christ. As she told me I started to empathize with my friends' life and how this might've affected her. I couldn't imagine anyone telling me I would be going to hell, let alone someone I considered a "friend".
I have to ask myself now, after having this conversation with her 'do I still believe that I have no purpose in God's plan?' After this I would say 'No!' I do believe and God has reminded me that this is why I do what I do, I love the way I love.
Pay no attention to me or what I have done in this, but pay attention to what He has done through me. He has worked so hard in my heart to have accepted her when others wouldn't, to have forgiven her when others wouldn't, and to most of all loved her when others choose not to.
That is not the way to win anyone's heart for Christ; by telling them they are going to hell. The way you 'win' is with love, true love. Love for Christ through yourself.
I leave with this final reminder that anything can happen "through Christ who strengthens me" -Phil 4:13
It used to be my entire life, everything was me, but the more I've let God work in my heart the more I am like Him and suddenly this life doesn't continue as mine anymore. Rather I am the body that serves His purpose. I am His arms and His legs here on this Earth and when I think about it that way it makes it that much easier for me to remember that I have a job to do for Him.
Love.
Love is such a powerful thing. Love isn't just something you share with a partner, a spouse, a friend. Love isn't your favorite movie or spaghetti sauce. Love is what happens when you are afraid but you take a chance any way. Love is forgiving. Love is kind and patient. Love is allowing an enemy to become your best friend. Love is helping the guy who knew he was wrong. Love is never abandoning a true friend but always praying for them even when you don't get the same in return. Love is something that helps us survive and without it we are nothing.
Sometimes I wonder why I gave my husband chance after chance to break my heart all over again. I'm sure he could say the same thing. I wonder what's wrong with me when I allow lies to happen but I forgive them anyway. I wonder what in the world was I thinking by trying to be friends with someone I can't stand, or don't get along with, let alone doesn't care about me the same way. I wonder about the times when I choose to put my feelings aside for the sake of explaining something to someone else, or being there for a person who needs me to be.
Today I started to forget and I started to wonder. But then something amazing happened, something so little that to the human eye could be mistaken, forgotten, or even unappreciated.
I have a friend, one whom I've only met through one of those many lies told. She is one I never thought I'd ever understand, let alone be friends with. There are things about her that I do not agree with, things she does that I do not condone but empathize with her options. At times I envy her beauty but I also see her flaws. She asked me today about God. She asked me; a person she doesn't know much.
She asked me a couple of questions she had about the Bible and evolution because of something that happened to her today. She began to tell me that a friend of hers told her she was destined to hell for believing in evolution and other things. She proceeded to tell me that this friend considered themselves as one who believed and followed Christ. As she told me I started to empathize with my friends' life and how this might've affected her. I couldn't imagine anyone telling me I would be going to hell, let alone someone I considered a "friend".
I have to ask myself now, after having this conversation with her 'do I still believe that I have no purpose in God's plan?' After this I would say 'No!' I do believe and God has reminded me that this is why I do what I do, I love the way I love.
Pay no attention to me or what I have done in this, but pay attention to what He has done through me. He has worked so hard in my heart to have accepted her when others wouldn't, to have forgiven her when others wouldn't, and to most of all loved her when others choose not to.
That is not the way to win anyone's heart for Christ; by telling them they are going to hell. The way you 'win' is with love, true love. Love for Christ through yourself.
I leave with this final reminder that anything can happen "through Christ who strengthens me" -Phil 4:13
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Business Cards of bliss
Remember yesterday when I was talking about how God always comes through in His own way?
Right after I finished writing in my blog for my new business "A Gift Surprise" I got a knock at my door. At first, of course it couldn't be good news, so I thought it was the property manager at my apartment complex wanting to do inspections today.
"Wait. Did I hear him say 'UPS'?"
Yes. YES! YESSSSSSSSS! It was UPS and he brought me the best gift! He brought me my business cards, thank you cards, car magnet, car window decal, and lots of stickers to put on my gift baskets that read my information on it! I couldn't be more excited and motivated right now!
Funk be gone...hello sunshine!
And a little wink for up above!
Right after I finished writing in my blog for my new business "A Gift Surprise" I got a knock at my door. At first, of course it couldn't be good news, so I thought it was the property manager at my apartment complex wanting to do inspections today.
"Wait. Did I hear him say 'UPS'?"
Yes. YES! YESSSSSSSSS! It was UPS and he brought me the best gift! He brought me my business cards, thank you cards, car magnet, car window decal, and lots of stickers to put on my gift baskets that read my information on it! I couldn't be more excited and motivated right now!
Funk be gone...hello sunshine!
And a little wink for up above!
Performance Anxiety
Have you ever had a day where you weren't really "required" to do anything but yet you feel that constant pressure of something lerking over your shoulder? For me today is that day. I think maybe this whole week has been such a stress to take on. I feel like if I make one wrong move I'm going to fail, which in reality that's not how it happens.
I feel pressure to seek jobs but I do have a business of my own now. I feel a pressure to prove myself to others although their opinions shouldn't matter. I feel a pressure to be what others want me to be and suddenly all of these worries are starting to weigh me down.
Will this business succeed?
Will I get another job considering I quit Kirklands?
Will I do this, will I do that?
Can I even do anything?
It's such a shame to waste such a beautiful day on all of these worries, all of the anxieties. There seems to be 1000 different things that I can't do when in all actuality if I work on changing just one thing at a time eventually all of these little things won't be such a stress.
My prayer today is simple.
"Heavenly Father, lately I've prayed for strength, I've prayed for courage, I've prayed for miracles to happen. Father today I simply just pray for your love. It's within Your love that I feel so complete, so overwhelmed with acceptance and joy. It's also within Your love that I feel courage and confidence, strength beyond measures because I know I have You with me. My decisions lately have turned into gigantic waves of guilt and regret afterwards. Why does everything seem to come down to money Father? Why must we even have such an evil thing? No, today Father I ask for Your love so that I may see through Your amazing eyes; see myself, see others, see the opportunities that You've laid in front of me. Father I ask for you to humble me and guide me through the path You shall have me take. It is my prayer that with Your love I shall gladly give my burdens to You. I know in my heart that You can and You will provide for me. Father please just love me today, wrap Your strong arms around me so that I may be comforted by your protection. Father I am so thankful for the blessings You continue to give me, more thankful lately for the opportunities You have given me to spend time with You. I am sorry Father that I haven't taken some of those opportunities and that I have time and time again cowardly walked away, for which I ask forgiveness of. Father, You and only You know what's in my heart and You are the only one who truly knows what it is that I need. I ask for Your love and discernment for my path that You shall have me walk, when You shall have me walk it. In Your most awesome and Holy name I pray, amen."
I feel pressure to seek jobs but I do have a business of my own now. I feel a pressure to prove myself to others although their opinions shouldn't matter. I feel a pressure to be what others want me to be and suddenly all of these worries are starting to weigh me down.
Will this business succeed?
Will I get another job considering I quit Kirklands?
Will I do this, will I do that?
Can I even do anything?
It's such a shame to waste such a beautiful day on all of these worries, all of the anxieties. There seems to be 1000 different things that I can't do when in all actuality if I work on changing just one thing at a time eventually all of these little things won't be such a stress.
My prayer today is simple.
"Heavenly Father, lately I've prayed for strength, I've prayed for courage, I've prayed for miracles to happen. Father today I simply just pray for your love. It's within Your love that I feel so complete, so overwhelmed with acceptance and joy. It's also within Your love that I feel courage and confidence, strength beyond measures because I know I have You with me. My decisions lately have turned into gigantic waves of guilt and regret afterwards. Why does everything seem to come down to money Father? Why must we even have such an evil thing? No, today Father I ask for Your love so that I may see through Your amazing eyes; see myself, see others, see the opportunities that You've laid in front of me. Father I ask for you to humble me and guide me through the path You shall have me take. It is my prayer that with Your love I shall gladly give my burdens to You. I know in my heart that You can and You will provide for me. Father please just love me today, wrap Your strong arms around me so that I may be comforted by your protection. Father I am so thankful for the blessings You continue to give me, more thankful lately for the opportunities You have given me to spend time with You. I am sorry Father that I haven't taken some of those opportunities and that I have time and time again cowardly walked away, for which I ask forgiveness of. Father, You and only You know what's in my heart and You are the only one who truly knows what it is that I need. I ask for Your love and discernment for my path that You shall have me walk, when You shall have me walk it. In Your most awesome and Holy name I pray, amen."
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