Breakfast (8:15am)
Snack (10:30am)
Lunch (1:30pm)
Dinner (8:30pm)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Day 1 Diet Journaling
In the spirit of abdominal definition I've decided to make July 3rd, 2011 my goal. By July I hope to have ab definition and in spirit of that goal I know that one of the quickest ways is to watch what goes in and out of my body. "Calories in, calories out" as expressed on The Biggest Loser. I've got to start monitoring what I'm eating and what activities I'm doing so that I can get a better idea of my daily regimen. This is afterall a life and body to be lived for Christ and how can I climb mountains if I lack the physical stamina to even get past the first obstacle?
Snack (10:30am)
Snack (10:30am)
Confronting the fears of marriage
Today has been an okay day so far. I'm trying to 'train' myself to resort to blogging instead of just unloading all my feelings onto my husband. I find that it gets me into deeper trouble than before. So on the way to church I told myself that I just have to focus on today at hand and to try my best not to text my husband, release any frustration on to him, but yet to allow a healthy outlet for myself. I mean, that's why I started this blog to begin with and it's not like I have a huge following, if any, so what does it matter what I write about? This is for me, no one else.
Steve didn't show up to church this morning. I wasn't really that surprised given the mood he was in when we left the Grand Park at Market Commons this morning. It's supposed to be something good, not horrible, and I fear that's all that it has come down to. So, I've decided not to ask anymore for him to run with me because I know that he truly doesn't want to do it and isn't at all excited about helping me with it and I'd rather him not be so dang grouchy and make me feel worse about asking in the first place than to actually struggle with finding motivation myself.
That's why I came to the realization in the first place. As I was sitting in church this morning a thought popped into my head during a song. It wasn't one of those thoughts that segwayed from another conversation I was having in my head, but rather it literally popped right to the forefront of my brain for a split second. Well, crap....now it's gone. Just wait, I'm sure it'll come back.
I'm not really certain if I'm disappointed in Steve not showing up to church this morning. I know that it sucks because it wasn't just about him, it was about AO, his roommate. Steve told me that he's been praying for a while to get him interested in church and last week AO finally agreed to come listen to Dr. John's sermon in today's service, however, given the fact that Steve just wasn't feeling it, it meant that AO wasn't coming. In my opinion that's where it's wrong. Not to say I do not understand completely where he's personally coming from because I, myself, on several occasions just haven't been feeling going to church but I have the ability to push my own feelings aside, especially if it's someone who's interested in going to church and has already said they were going to go. Am I saying that I'm totally disappointed in Steve and that he's to blame? No. I'm saying that it's his decision what to do with his own faith, but he didn't just mess with his faith alone, he messed with AO's, a person who relied on him to show enthusiasm and excitement that he was going. I'm sure on the surface AO "understood" when Steve said he wasn't going to church this morning, but what does that really show a person who's in search of Christ? I can't say how I would've reacted or would've done differently because he and I are two very different people, with very different minds. I would hope that I would've seen the bigger picture that AO going to church was far more important than how I was feeling and that maybe, just maybe if I would've chosen to put that first instead of me, I would've found the help or relief I, myself was lacking.
I understand why he might be feeling off his game and I'm not so sure how to handle it as his partner. Do I stay close to show him that I'm there for him when he wants to talk even though I know for certain he won't reach out to me? Do I do that to show him that I'm not going to do what he does to me which is just leave me high and dry to deal with emotions on my own and not help him regulate? Here's the funniest part about our biblical marriage. I am the wife, partner, lover, but more importantly my role in this marriage is to be his helpmate, to edify him and lift him to search for God. How do you do that when the person you're trying to help, refuses the help you give?
So does that mean I'm supposed to back off of him so he can have a breather? He doesn't actually regulate that way because all he's prone to doing is just tossing the feelings under the rug and not actually working through them and trying to think of them differently. All giving him space does is allow him time to find a way to hide. How is that helping either?
Do you see the predicament I constantly live in? My home is lying right in between, constantly confused and unaware of what the right decision is, but I try anyway. I try fearlessly to trust my decisions will be Godly and what He wants of me, in addition to actually being a human myself. Is this what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life? How, other than now not looking at pornography merely because he's married, have I actually helped him succeed or look for God? A perfect example of what I mean was this morning when he was tired and frustrated with himself from not being in the shape he used to be. I can definitely relate to that frustration and anger, and how easy it is to just walk away from it instead of confronting it.
I tried to circle around him to get him motivated to run but I was terrified. I'm not sure why. I shouldn't be. If I'm going to help him I shouldn't be terrified to push harder and to be that beeotch who's making him so angry because in the end it'll help him. So does that mean I should continue to jeaopordize my time running in order to truly help him? Anyways, he was just walking in his self-pity, which again I can fully relate to, and I tried to get him to speed it up because all he was doing was defeating the running he'd already done. And after he gave me the excuse that he didn't eat before he came I just let it go, let him win. I shouldn't have. I should've confronted him and said "well, that's too bad. You had plenty of time to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich and drink water before you came. I ate an apple and a banana before I came. Stop using excuses and just do it. Speed walk!"
Maybe the true test to my willpower and strength isn't walking away from this but rather confronting it head on, not complaining about every little thing but rather being strong enough to hold him up and myself at the same time. It's exhausting and I constantly have to ask for help but how will he ever try, how will he ever be the dad he should be to our children, how will he ever not be narcissitic if I constantly stay afraid of him, afraid of confrontation?
Steve didn't show up to church this morning. I wasn't really that surprised given the mood he was in when we left the Grand Park at Market Commons this morning. It's supposed to be something good, not horrible, and I fear that's all that it has come down to. So, I've decided not to ask anymore for him to run with me because I know that he truly doesn't want to do it and isn't at all excited about helping me with it and I'd rather him not be so dang grouchy and make me feel worse about asking in the first place than to actually struggle with finding motivation myself.
That's why I came to the realization in the first place. As I was sitting in church this morning a thought popped into my head during a song. It wasn't one of those thoughts that segwayed from another conversation I was having in my head, but rather it literally popped right to the forefront of my brain for a split second. Well, crap....now it's gone. Just wait, I'm sure it'll come back.
I'm not really certain if I'm disappointed in Steve not showing up to church this morning. I know that it sucks because it wasn't just about him, it was about AO, his roommate. Steve told me that he's been praying for a while to get him interested in church and last week AO finally agreed to come listen to Dr. John's sermon in today's service, however, given the fact that Steve just wasn't feeling it, it meant that AO wasn't coming. In my opinion that's where it's wrong. Not to say I do not understand completely where he's personally coming from because I, myself, on several occasions just haven't been feeling going to church but I have the ability to push my own feelings aside, especially if it's someone who's interested in going to church and has already said they were going to go. Am I saying that I'm totally disappointed in Steve and that he's to blame? No. I'm saying that it's his decision what to do with his own faith, but he didn't just mess with his faith alone, he messed with AO's, a person who relied on him to show enthusiasm and excitement that he was going. I'm sure on the surface AO "understood" when Steve said he wasn't going to church this morning, but what does that really show a person who's in search of Christ? I can't say how I would've reacted or would've done differently because he and I are two very different people, with very different minds. I would hope that I would've seen the bigger picture that AO going to church was far more important than how I was feeling and that maybe, just maybe if I would've chosen to put that first instead of me, I would've found the help or relief I, myself was lacking.
I understand why he might be feeling off his game and I'm not so sure how to handle it as his partner. Do I stay close to show him that I'm there for him when he wants to talk even though I know for certain he won't reach out to me? Do I do that to show him that I'm not going to do what he does to me which is just leave me high and dry to deal with emotions on my own and not help him regulate? Here's the funniest part about our biblical marriage. I am the wife, partner, lover, but more importantly my role in this marriage is to be his helpmate, to edify him and lift him to search for God. How do you do that when the person you're trying to help, refuses the help you give?
So does that mean I'm supposed to back off of him so he can have a breather? He doesn't actually regulate that way because all he's prone to doing is just tossing the feelings under the rug and not actually working through them and trying to think of them differently. All giving him space does is allow him time to find a way to hide. How is that helping either?
Do you see the predicament I constantly live in? My home is lying right in between, constantly confused and unaware of what the right decision is, but I try anyway. I try fearlessly to trust my decisions will be Godly and what He wants of me, in addition to actually being a human myself. Is this what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life? How, other than now not looking at pornography merely because he's married, have I actually helped him succeed or look for God? A perfect example of what I mean was this morning when he was tired and frustrated with himself from not being in the shape he used to be. I can definitely relate to that frustration and anger, and how easy it is to just walk away from it instead of confronting it.
I tried to circle around him to get him motivated to run but I was terrified. I'm not sure why. I shouldn't be. If I'm going to help him I shouldn't be terrified to push harder and to be that beeotch who's making him so angry because in the end it'll help him. So does that mean I should continue to jeaopordize my time running in order to truly help him? Anyways, he was just walking in his self-pity, which again I can fully relate to, and I tried to get him to speed it up because all he was doing was defeating the running he'd already done. And after he gave me the excuse that he didn't eat before he came I just let it go, let him win. I shouldn't have. I should've confronted him and said "well, that's too bad. You had plenty of time to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich and drink water before you came. I ate an apple and a banana before I came. Stop using excuses and just do it. Speed walk!"
Maybe the true test to my willpower and strength isn't walking away from this but rather confronting it head on, not complaining about every little thing but rather being strong enough to hold him up and myself at the same time. It's exhausting and I constantly have to ask for help but how will he ever try, how will he ever be the dad he should be to our children, how will he ever not be narcissitic if I constantly stay afraid of him, afraid of confrontation?
running
So not too long ago we had a similar situation to the running situation that Steve and I are having now. I find myself feeling like I carry this relationship and at times I don't want to. At times, like yesterday and today I find myself saying "God, I love you. Please don't make me do this anymore." It's sad to say that I feel like the mommy, the wife, and the babysitter all wrapped up into one. I'm glad more and more each day that we don't have children so that I am not completely overwhelmed by having to do all of that in addition to dealing with my husband.
I have questions. Of course I do. Of course I want to feel free to ask anything I want without having it be some underlying issue that gets plastered all over texts to friends or conversations with judgemental family members. I want to feel free in this relationship, just like he does. How do we get there? How?
Oh yeah, the story. Well, a little while ago I started doing my laundry at Steve's apartment because they had a washer and dryer and it was cheaper for me to do it there than having to pay for our on-site laundry mat. That started to become a very controlling situation where Steve said he wanted to buy me a washer and dryer but that never happened because he realized he'd save money if I just continued to do my laundry over at his place and it would be a plus for him being able to see me. That was all too easy and centered around him because he totally neglected that he promised to buy me a washer and dryer so that it would be easier on me to do my laundry instead of making it twice as inconvenient to have to lug all my laundry down to the car and drive over to his house, when he was there because I didn't have a key. I found this to be a very controlling situation in which he felt power or that I needed him in some way, which I didn't like because it was like it took the choice away from me, robbing me of my power to decide and make choices in my life.
So now, the running situation has become the very same issue and I find myself asking God what am I supposed to do when Steve promises or says he'll do something? Am I supposed to treat him like he treats me? Like I won't trust a single word he says until he proves it otherwise? That's a very horrible lonely feeling to know that your own spouse doesn't even support you, or trust what you say is truth. I get that a lot. I'm sure I always will.
But really...how am I supposed to respond? Am I not supposed to get excited because chances are he'll not follow through with it? I signed up for the 5k walk/run for Autism in April and I'm starting to run out of time so I'm seriously doubting my ability to finish the race and this would be a great time for him to really help me understand and to make me feel like I can do anything but instead because of the way he is, the narcissm, he doesn't get it. That's the most frustrating part is not that he understands and lazily refuses to step up but rather he doesn't even realize that's what's happening in my life. It's extremely hard for him to see anyone or anything else outside of his own bubble and that's what I mean by saying I'm alone because I am.
I am technically married to a man who barely sees me, acknowledges me, or even cares for me. The signals that a woman is naturally used to are now no longer possible. I have found myself having to totally change just to be heard in this relationship and right now I'm feeling a little bit of anger for even pushing marriage in the first place, which now that I think about it he did the same thing with our engagement too.
He proposed, I met his family, we talked about marriage so much that I thought it'd be soon after, and he didn't want to even talk about a wedding date. I'm kicking myself for not just saying 'no' to moving in with him but I got caught up in a life that never existed. I'm kicking myself for not just letting him want to break up with me after moving in with him after two months of dating. Why didn't I just say, "I'm sorry. I just don't think it'd be healthy for me or you to get back together and fix this marriage. In fact, with who we are I'm not certain it will ever be fixed"?
Our marriage has become this huge thing that has to be worked on every second of the day and right now I'm just exhausted for having to carry him, to deal with him, and I find myself now losing the sexual chemistry anymore. I no longer feel the obligation or want to make him happy sexually or whatever because I know that no matter what I do, or say...I still will never be apart of that world where only he exists. I'll always and forever be on the outside of it because I'm supposed to be the one who is closest.
Last night I wondered if we were to divorce but yet still continue this relationship if that would not be better for us in the long-run. Technically, we wouldn't have broken any biblical laws of divorcing and marrying another. We would still be persuing each other and God already sees us as married, either legally or not. Perhaps without the feeling of need that these rings carry we wouldn't feel such a pressure to try so hard, because we would know that all we would be doing was dating and maybe it would somehow, psychologically trick us into feeling more dependent and less controlled by the other person. I don't know.
I do wish that Dr. Archie wasn't so unpredictable. It saddens me that our treatment started to go downhill and I dread the day when Steve blames me for being the reason it did. I know in my heart and with all of me that I did not and that Dr. Archie is human just as much as I am, capable of doing wrong as well. The difference is pride and a love for Christ. I do wish that I could go back to Dr. Archie but I know now that there is no way he'd be able to give me adequate care. There are days when I miss being able to talk to him, or feel power over my own choices, but I know that I don't need him to survive, to understand what regulation is. I pray that Steve will get the opportunity to truly understand what regulation is as well. I pray that one day Steve won't be narcissistic, but I'm not certain that will ever happen. I have to have faith in God that He will help us.
This morning's run was a little disappointing but I'm thankful it opened my eyes. I now know that pushing Steve to uphold his promises does no good to me or him. I know this morning he didn't want to be there and while I understand he was fighting his own battles I have to ask myself why I even bother doing or being around him because I want so badly for it to be different that he's not narcissistic, but wanting something badly enough doesn't make it disappear. I originally asked him to come running with me because I really needed the challenge and support and encouragement that I know he's capable of giving me. When he's selfless he truly does care and understand me, but when he's stuck in his own bubble like this morning he ends up just showing me that I'm a huge inconvenience for making him get up and come running with me. He didn't show me support or love or encouragement at all. He wants me to feel that because he actually showed up, but it's his actions throughout that make the difference, consistency. And he consistently showed his lack of motivation in encouraging me at all. This mornings run was supposed to be something fun that we do together so that we could help and encourage one another, but instead it once again ended up being where I have to get over my issues and feelings in order to help him, help me. I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted by it and all I want to do is hide from it all.
I just want someone who can truly be there for me like I've been there for him. Someone who can sacrifice any feelings they have because they understand that showing you something or doing something for you is more important than themselves or their own wants and needs. I know that I don't do this all the time but dang I just wish I didn't have to explain that all the time, or ask my husband to be a supporter. I'm so tired by this marriage and by him and I'm bitter and frustrated because I know that I love him but I don't want to feel this way because I know it's not healthy for me or him.
But what do I do? How do I think? How do I respond? How do I be the perfect person who is strong enough and confident enough to encourage him and neglect myself when he doesn't have a single interest in the same things? My only solution has been to ignore him but even in that he's totally lost and unaware that I have to take myself away from him because of how he is.
This morning wasn't an encouragement, or something built to help me. It was all about him and his feelings and what he wanted to do and how he was so stubborn that he wouldn't allow me to even try to help him, help me.
Right now, in this moment...I want out. I want away from him because I can't take it anymore. This is why I got to this point to begin with and it's not because of some monster living within me that suddenly came out. He is so disregulated from everyone and everything that he drags me down too and right now I don't want to be sucked in to the hole with him. Maybe the love I feel for him isn't enough to deal with everything else, but I know that I do not dare mention my doubts again because all that will do is allow him to throw his guards up.
So, it's because of this that I know we aren't ready to live together, or rather I am ready to live with him. I can't be trapped again. I can't.
"Father help us. Please! Help us seek and find counsel in someone's capable hands. Please!"
I have questions. Of course I do. Of course I want to feel free to ask anything I want without having it be some underlying issue that gets plastered all over texts to friends or conversations with judgemental family members. I want to feel free in this relationship, just like he does. How do we get there? How?
Oh yeah, the story. Well, a little while ago I started doing my laundry at Steve's apartment because they had a washer and dryer and it was cheaper for me to do it there than having to pay for our on-site laundry mat. That started to become a very controlling situation where Steve said he wanted to buy me a washer and dryer but that never happened because he realized he'd save money if I just continued to do my laundry over at his place and it would be a plus for him being able to see me. That was all too easy and centered around him because he totally neglected that he promised to buy me a washer and dryer so that it would be easier on me to do my laundry instead of making it twice as inconvenient to have to lug all my laundry down to the car and drive over to his house, when he was there because I didn't have a key. I found this to be a very controlling situation in which he felt power or that I needed him in some way, which I didn't like because it was like it took the choice away from me, robbing me of my power to decide and make choices in my life.
So now, the running situation has become the very same issue and I find myself asking God what am I supposed to do when Steve promises or says he'll do something? Am I supposed to treat him like he treats me? Like I won't trust a single word he says until he proves it otherwise? That's a very horrible lonely feeling to know that your own spouse doesn't even support you, or trust what you say is truth. I get that a lot. I'm sure I always will.
But really...how am I supposed to respond? Am I not supposed to get excited because chances are he'll not follow through with it? I signed up for the 5k walk/run for Autism in April and I'm starting to run out of time so I'm seriously doubting my ability to finish the race and this would be a great time for him to really help me understand and to make me feel like I can do anything but instead because of the way he is, the narcissm, he doesn't get it. That's the most frustrating part is not that he understands and lazily refuses to step up but rather he doesn't even realize that's what's happening in my life. It's extremely hard for him to see anyone or anything else outside of his own bubble and that's what I mean by saying I'm alone because I am.
I am technically married to a man who barely sees me, acknowledges me, or even cares for me. The signals that a woman is naturally used to are now no longer possible. I have found myself having to totally change just to be heard in this relationship and right now I'm feeling a little bit of anger for even pushing marriage in the first place, which now that I think about it he did the same thing with our engagement too.
He proposed, I met his family, we talked about marriage so much that I thought it'd be soon after, and he didn't want to even talk about a wedding date. I'm kicking myself for not just saying 'no' to moving in with him but I got caught up in a life that never existed. I'm kicking myself for not just letting him want to break up with me after moving in with him after two months of dating. Why didn't I just say, "I'm sorry. I just don't think it'd be healthy for me or you to get back together and fix this marriage. In fact, with who we are I'm not certain it will ever be fixed"?
Our marriage has become this huge thing that has to be worked on every second of the day and right now I'm just exhausted for having to carry him, to deal with him, and I find myself now losing the sexual chemistry anymore. I no longer feel the obligation or want to make him happy sexually or whatever because I know that no matter what I do, or say...I still will never be apart of that world where only he exists. I'll always and forever be on the outside of it because I'm supposed to be the one who is closest.
Last night I wondered if we were to divorce but yet still continue this relationship if that would not be better for us in the long-run. Technically, we wouldn't have broken any biblical laws of divorcing and marrying another. We would still be persuing each other and God already sees us as married, either legally or not. Perhaps without the feeling of need that these rings carry we wouldn't feel such a pressure to try so hard, because we would know that all we would be doing was dating and maybe it would somehow, psychologically trick us into feeling more dependent and less controlled by the other person. I don't know.
I do wish that Dr. Archie wasn't so unpredictable. It saddens me that our treatment started to go downhill and I dread the day when Steve blames me for being the reason it did. I know in my heart and with all of me that I did not and that Dr. Archie is human just as much as I am, capable of doing wrong as well. The difference is pride and a love for Christ. I do wish that I could go back to Dr. Archie but I know now that there is no way he'd be able to give me adequate care. There are days when I miss being able to talk to him, or feel power over my own choices, but I know that I don't need him to survive, to understand what regulation is. I pray that Steve will get the opportunity to truly understand what regulation is as well. I pray that one day Steve won't be narcissistic, but I'm not certain that will ever happen. I have to have faith in God that He will help us.
This morning's run was a little disappointing but I'm thankful it opened my eyes. I now know that pushing Steve to uphold his promises does no good to me or him. I know this morning he didn't want to be there and while I understand he was fighting his own battles I have to ask myself why I even bother doing or being around him because I want so badly for it to be different that he's not narcissistic, but wanting something badly enough doesn't make it disappear. I originally asked him to come running with me because I really needed the challenge and support and encouragement that I know he's capable of giving me. When he's selfless he truly does care and understand me, but when he's stuck in his own bubble like this morning he ends up just showing me that I'm a huge inconvenience for making him get up and come running with me. He didn't show me support or love or encouragement at all. He wants me to feel that because he actually showed up, but it's his actions throughout that make the difference, consistency. And he consistently showed his lack of motivation in encouraging me at all. This mornings run was supposed to be something fun that we do together so that we could help and encourage one another, but instead it once again ended up being where I have to get over my issues and feelings in order to help him, help me. I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted by it and all I want to do is hide from it all.
I just want someone who can truly be there for me like I've been there for him. Someone who can sacrifice any feelings they have because they understand that showing you something or doing something for you is more important than themselves or their own wants and needs. I know that I don't do this all the time but dang I just wish I didn't have to explain that all the time, or ask my husband to be a supporter. I'm so tired by this marriage and by him and I'm bitter and frustrated because I know that I love him but I don't want to feel this way because I know it's not healthy for me or him.
But what do I do? How do I think? How do I respond? How do I be the perfect person who is strong enough and confident enough to encourage him and neglect myself when he doesn't have a single interest in the same things? My only solution has been to ignore him but even in that he's totally lost and unaware that I have to take myself away from him because of how he is.
This morning wasn't an encouragement, or something built to help me. It was all about him and his feelings and what he wanted to do and how he was so stubborn that he wouldn't allow me to even try to help him, help me.
Right now, in this moment...I want out. I want away from him because I can't take it anymore. This is why I got to this point to begin with and it's not because of some monster living within me that suddenly came out. He is so disregulated from everyone and everything that he drags me down too and right now I don't want to be sucked in to the hole with him. Maybe the love I feel for him isn't enough to deal with everything else, but I know that I do not dare mention my doubts again because all that will do is allow him to throw his guards up.
So, it's because of this that I know we aren't ready to live together, or rather I am ready to live with him. I can't be trapped again. I can't.
"Father help us. Please! Help us seek and find counsel in someone's capable hands. Please!"
Monday, March 7, 2011
Vent
"This morning Father I'm angry. I can feel myself getting more and more frustrated for decisions I have made, or even haven't made. What frustrates me is I didn't even say "yes" that I would take Steve back after he came to my apartment asking for us to work things out. I hugged him and didn't give him an answer. All I did say was that I wanted him to focus on getting him better first, and look....see how stupid I was to trust that? That's what I feel. Stupid.
I look around and it's like I see everyone so unafraid to stand up for themselves, even Steve wasn't afraid to break up with me a long time ago and he sure as hell wasn't afraid to let everyone think that it was all my fault and that I left him, even now he won't set the record straight and it's simply because he doesn't want to disappoint his family by saying the reason I left was because he started looking at porn and arguing with me again. If he would've given me just a couple of days to process the anger instead of adding to it and then saying I had no right to treat him like that, or to feel betrayed, or that I didn't trust him.
Father, I know that right now, this mood that I'm in I'm not regulating. I've learned how to disconnect myself so much in order to be that second person that I truly believe that's how I've become bipolar. Isn't that a crazy notion? To think that a person became a disorder that allows for several mood changes in order to self-regulate the other half that was disregulated? Sometimes that's what it feels like. It feels like I'm feeling those horrible emotions and I feel a heavy weight over me, like a dark cloud or something and then all of a sudden here comes this voice of reason on the other half of me trying to help bring sunshine in.
Take right now for instance. I feel angry, disappointed, let down, mad, scared, sad, depressed but I know that the only reason I'm feeling this way is because I'm too focused and worried on past decisions I've made and in reality shouldn't even be feeling that way considering I made all of those decisions for You and if I had the chance knowing that our relationship would be where it is now I would've done it all over again, however, there is another part of me that wishes I would've hugged him that night but said, "I'm sorry. Right now I feel like it's not safe to be around you and for you to be around me. Focus on you and if it's meant to be still, God will let it be on His time, not yours."
It was so easy to get caught up in that storybook, romance movie type of moment and I was scared to hurt his feelings, that if I said 'no' than he would think I meant forever and leave me.
But all in all, this is where we are and I have to say as much as I do love the progress he's made and the fact that he no longer lies as much as he used to, or looks at porn like he used to...I have to ask myself what if.
Don't get me wrong Father I am thankful. You and I both know that but at times I feel like I've gotten the short-end of the stick. I think what if he wouldn't have come around again and I continued to find myself, who I was. I know that I truly was proud of myself for working it out. Now, I'm not proud of myself. I'm not proud that I trust someone who can't be trusted. I'm not proud that I give so much and don't receive as much back. I'm not proud that I am married to a man who is afraid to live his life and hides behind excuses to not try and thinks he's fulfilled person in life but yet wonders why he doesn't feel proud of himself. I'm not proud that I can't find a way to help him just get up and be someone, do something. When I say be someone I mean, someone else besides a man who sits there and does nothing for himself.
I wonder why is it that he tried so hard back then to go to the gym to get the ladies' attention when now he only cares to go if he by chance wants someone to notice him. What do I do? Call him fat and refuse to have sex with him because he's not perfect? I know that I do prefer the way he used to look and I've been waiting and waiting until he gets back to that but I don't know how to do anything.
I'm not proud that I'm scared of everything when it comes to him. Scared to hurt his feelings. Scared he'll not think well of himself in the future. Scared I'll make things worse for him. Scared that what he says by never leaving if that's really true. I'm trying so hard not to control him or to be mean or whatever, but maybe that's just like everyone else in his life who allows him to do what he wants in his life.
I guess that means it's my test and real confidence comes in knowing that God is in control and in trusting that he's not going to leave me, and if he does that God will see me through. I'm so scared I'll look like the bad guy to his family and I'll lose them or that I'll be a hypocrite or something like that.
Now that I sit here and write it all out I know that I need to toughen up in all aspects of my life, especially my marriage. I won't make decisions for him, but I won't allow him to settle either. And if he chooses to do something I don't agree with, like not working out or not calling grandmother and stuff like that than I'll simply just tell myself "ya know what, you're decisions are your decisions".
Father, this morning I ask for your help but I'm unsure what to ask for. Father search my heart and search my husbands heart especially and help us see what our needs are. Father thank you for this challenge because it truly has made me a strong independent woman, but I want to be more than that. I ask for your help. Father please forgive my sins. In your heavenly precious holy name I pray, amen."
I look around and it's like I see everyone so unafraid to stand up for themselves, even Steve wasn't afraid to break up with me a long time ago and he sure as hell wasn't afraid to let everyone think that it was all my fault and that I left him, even now he won't set the record straight and it's simply because he doesn't want to disappoint his family by saying the reason I left was because he started looking at porn and arguing with me again. If he would've given me just a couple of days to process the anger instead of adding to it and then saying I had no right to treat him like that, or to feel betrayed, or that I didn't trust him.
Father, I know that right now, this mood that I'm in I'm not regulating. I've learned how to disconnect myself so much in order to be that second person that I truly believe that's how I've become bipolar. Isn't that a crazy notion? To think that a person became a disorder that allows for several mood changes in order to self-regulate the other half that was disregulated? Sometimes that's what it feels like. It feels like I'm feeling those horrible emotions and I feel a heavy weight over me, like a dark cloud or something and then all of a sudden here comes this voice of reason on the other half of me trying to help bring sunshine in.
Take right now for instance. I feel angry, disappointed, let down, mad, scared, sad, depressed but I know that the only reason I'm feeling this way is because I'm too focused and worried on past decisions I've made and in reality shouldn't even be feeling that way considering I made all of those decisions for You and if I had the chance knowing that our relationship would be where it is now I would've done it all over again, however, there is another part of me that wishes I would've hugged him that night but said, "I'm sorry. Right now I feel like it's not safe to be around you and for you to be around me. Focus on you and if it's meant to be still, God will let it be on His time, not yours."
It was so easy to get caught up in that storybook, romance movie type of moment and I was scared to hurt his feelings, that if I said 'no' than he would think I meant forever and leave me.
But all in all, this is where we are and I have to say as much as I do love the progress he's made and the fact that he no longer lies as much as he used to, or looks at porn like he used to...I have to ask myself what if.
Don't get me wrong Father I am thankful. You and I both know that but at times I feel like I've gotten the short-end of the stick. I think what if he wouldn't have come around again and I continued to find myself, who I was. I know that I truly was proud of myself for working it out. Now, I'm not proud of myself. I'm not proud that I trust someone who can't be trusted. I'm not proud that I give so much and don't receive as much back. I'm not proud that I am married to a man who is afraid to live his life and hides behind excuses to not try and thinks he's fulfilled person in life but yet wonders why he doesn't feel proud of himself. I'm not proud that I can't find a way to help him just get up and be someone, do something. When I say be someone I mean, someone else besides a man who sits there and does nothing for himself.
I wonder why is it that he tried so hard back then to go to the gym to get the ladies' attention when now he only cares to go if he by chance wants someone to notice him. What do I do? Call him fat and refuse to have sex with him because he's not perfect? I know that I do prefer the way he used to look and I've been waiting and waiting until he gets back to that but I don't know how to do anything.
I'm not proud that I'm scared of everything when it comes to him. Scared to hurt his feelings. Scared he'll not think well of himself in the future. Scared I'll make things worse for him. Scared that what he says by never leaving if that's really true. I'm trying so hard not to control him or to be mean or whatever, but maybe that's just like everyone else in his life who allows him to do what he wants in his life.
I guess that means it's my test and real confidence comes in knowing that God is in control and in trusting that he's not going to leave me, and if he does that God will see me through. I'm so scared I'll look like the bad guy to his family and I'll lose them or that I'll be a hypocrite or something like that.
Now that I sit here and write it all out I know that I need to toughen up in all aspects of my life, especially my marriage. I won't make decisions for him, but I won't allow him to settle either. And if he chooses to do something I don't agree with, like not working out or not calling grandmother and stuff like that than I'll simply just tell myself "ya know what, you're decisions are your decisions".
Father, this morning I ask for your help but I'm unsure what to ask for. Father search my heart and search my husbands heart especially and help us see what our needs are. Father thank you for this challenge because it truly has made me a strong independent woman, but I want to be more than that. I ask for your help. Father please forgive my sins. In your heavenly precious holy name I pray, amen."
Sunday, March 6, 2011
"Going in Circles"
"Going in Circles"
by
Pamela Ribon
While it took me a little while to finish this book I really enjoyed reading it. When I purchased this book Steve and I were not "Steve and I". We were more like..."yes, technically we are spouses". What attracted me was the setting of a woman who was unsure of what happened or what was going to happen to her marriage. I obviously related to the uncertainty and would be lying if I said the $5.97 price wasn't an attraction as well. As I began reading the book it was hard for me to get into it because I was afraid that each chapter would get closer and closer to her marriage becoming a divorce. For my own life, I didn't want to even remotely think that was possible. Slowly I read each chapter until she meets her friend Francessca, oddly enough the goth girl at her job. At first I assumed that this particular friend would simply just be the kind I would or could never have considering my beliefs and that her way of coping would be to party and drink beer until the sun came up. Again, I found it a little difficult to continue reading, but nevertheless even though I have about 1000 projects on hold currently, I do not like leaving something unfinished, especially books that might help me cope in my own ways.It turned out loving this book and found it much easier to read after my own situation had changed because while I still related to the character, I knew that our outcomes would very closetly be completely different from one another. Her friend now reminds me of two of my very best friends who encourage me to not necessarily move on as to "drop him and run", but to just take my time in processing but to never lose sight of my own independence and choice.
I would give this book about a 4.4 out of a 5 because it was very relateable and actually made me laugh out loud a few too many times, which was very nice!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Future publications
Motivation. Encouragement. Adrenaline. Freedom. The moment was mundane but the thought was...freeing. Sitting in the bath tub reading my book it almost all fell together. A life's mess perfectly melted into one publication. I could see the chapters start to form and the ink stained passages page after page. What a thought? A goal even. One day I know I'll write... I'll write with feeling and devotion; order. I'm excited for what's to come and motivated for it's arrival.
Monday, February 28, 2011
The truth
It's no surprise that this morning's encouraging word from K-Love was Proverbs 12:22, "The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth."
Here's the truth.
The truth is I'm unhappy with our sex-life. It's not that I dislike anything that my husband does because I love everything he does and that is the full truth. What I'm unhappy about is the giant boulder of akwardness between us. We are unable to have an open conversation with one another without one, or both of us getting upset and taking something personally. The truth is that people change, people do evolve in their likes and dislikes. It's almost like food. This week I might really like spaghetti, but next week I might not want to go near it because I'm craving tacos instead. The same rules apply to sex and it's because of this perogative that we should both have the freedom to express what we do and don't like this week or next. Each time you're intimate is personal; it shouldn't lack connection or desire.
The truth is that I'm unhappy because of the boulder but also because of the desire. While our marriage bed has no less been tainted by both our wrong-doings now I feel as if it's lacking simply because of laziness.
If I were being completely honest and didn't feel the pressure to be judged I would say I feel cheated. It's not everytime I get all dazzled up; shower, shave, make-up, cute little outfit, but when I do I wonder "why should I be doing this?" I know that he appreciates the outfits and the efforts much more than he used to because he sees how much I want to please, than why would it be okay to not do the same for me? I'm not expecting it and I know that's true because the last time we were together I was trying so hard to be supportive and non-critical that I ended up just being sacrificial and self-neglecting after he finished but I did not. This is not a video where the main event is the man finishing and once that happens the video ends...this is real life and we both should feel that kind of release and pleasure.
Again, it's not that I'm complaining or saying that I'm better or that he's not as good as he used to be, or anything like that. But what I am saying is that I'm frustrated. Frustrated because I do spend time thinking that 'yes' he would like if I took care of my body because that would help him maintain his attraction to me, but that I go the extra mile and make sure that I'm striving to be perfect each time. I'll just spit out what I'm trying to cordially say. Why did it only last a little bit? Not that there's anything wrong with a quicky now and again but I spent almost 45 minutes in the shower shaving and then putting make-up on, and everything else and at first I truly meant that it was okay, because it was. I truly have been okay with it but now that I'm thinking...why did it stop there? Why does it seemingly always stop there? It's not that I'm broken because I've finished before but there have also been times when it's been quick but you prolonged it in every way you could. Does that mean that the last time we were together that you just weren't into it and that you could careless if we did but you saw how much I put into it and you didn't want to hurt my feelings?
The truth is I'm frustrated because I can't figure out how to help this, to fix this thing because at the end of the day the end result is me being immoral; hiding behind the scenes trying not to say too much that will hurt your feelings, but to make sure I say enough so you'll understand what I'm feeling or talking about. I thought I could go without and to sacrifice maybe just a few times when it wasn't rockin' my world, so that way I could build up your pride, your self-esteem. I thought I could not fake, but not be completely honest in order to get that end result that we both wanted. All that happens is you're tired because I keep trying to having sex with you and you finish and at the end I'm not so I end up going home and secretly doing things I shouldn't be doing. I can't live like that anymore. I can't, but I don't know how to help you understand, I don't know how to talk openly with you, and I don't know how to stop my feelings.
The truth is that I'm unhappy but chances are not as much as you think I am, by thinking I'm saying "we have a horrible sex-life". I'm not happy with it currently, but I'm happy it is much better than it was. We aren't there yet and I know we'll get back there but how if we can't even have a conversation with one another where there's no pressure, no fault, just understanding?
You think I like taking the blame of making something out of nothing? First of all it's not nothing and second of all, I don't. I'm not broken and I never was but I do know that ignoring what doesn't work and continuing to do it, doesn't work for anyone. All it does is allow me to lie to you because I'm afraid to hurt your feelings, and it hurts me because I'm lying, and secretly finding resolve at home, alone, which still gives me no satisfaction or release.
The truth is...I just want that release. I just want to feel no pressure, or like I'm the reason it's not good, or great, or grand because of my confidence. I'm fighting those thoughts...are you? I just want to be satisfied and you know how to, and where to, and so do I...so let's do it.
The truth is I wonder why you won't go down on me just randomly, just as a surprise, without personal gain? I wonder if you even desire sex these days and why not, what are you feeling? I wonder if it will always be where it feels like we're begging for sex and not just enjoying it as something to be envied by others. I wonder a lot but at this moment I wonder will we'll even get the opportunity to have that release together again? We've had a couple times in the past week where we have been together and boy they were fun and really great to spend that time with you, but why do I still feel unsatisfied? It's not just me thinking wrongly, or feeling wrongly because my feelings are real and they are just and aren't just some ficticious cause and effect of negative emotions.
I'm happy, but at the same time...I'm unhappy because I still feel that I have to watch something bad in order to find that release and then after its done, I still don't feel anything I would've felt with you. Deep down I'm crying for change, for help, for a release, for no pressure from you.
In time....the best is yet to come I guess.
Here's the truth.
The truth is I'm unhappy with our sex-life. It's not that I dislike anything that my husband does because I love everything he does and that is the full truth. What I'm unhappy about is the giant boulder of akwardness between us. We are unable to have an open conversation with one another without one, or both of us getting upset and taking something personally. The truth is that people change, people do evolve in their likes and dislikes. It's almost like food. This week I might really like spaghetti, but next week I might not want to go near it because I'm craving tacos instead. The same rules apply to sex and it's because of this perogative that we should both have the freedom to express what we do and don't like this week or next. Each time you're intimate is personal; it shouldn't lack connection or desire.
The truth is that I'm unhappy because of the boulder but also because of the desire. While our marriage bed has no less been tainted by both our wrong-doings now I feel as if it's lacking simply because of laziness.
If I were being completely honest and didn't feel the pressure to be judged I would say I feel cheated. It's not everytime I get all dazzled up; shower, shave, make-up, cute little outfit, but when I do I wonder "why should I be doing this?" I know that he appreciates the outfits and the efforts much more than he used to because he sees how much I want to please, than why would it be okay to not do the same for me? I'm not expecting it and I know that's true because the last time we were together I was trying so hard to be supportive and non-critical that I ended up just being sacrificial and self-neglecting after he finished but I did not. This is not a video where the main event is the man finishing and once that happens the video ends...this is real life and we both should feel that kind of release and pleasure.
Again, it's not that I'm complaining or saying that I'm better or that he's not as good as he used to be, or anything like that. But what I am saying is that I'm frustrated. Frustrated because I do spend time thinking that 'yes' he would like if I took care of my body because that would help him maintain his attraction to me, but that I go the extra mile and make sure that I'm striving to be perfect each time. I'll just spit out what I'm trying to cordially say. Why did it only last a little bit? Not that there's anything wrong with a quicky now and again but I spent almost 45 minutes in the shower shaving and then putting make-up on, and everything else and at first I truly meant that it was okay, because it was. I truly have been okay with it but now that I'm thinking...why did it stop there? Why does it seemingly always stop there? It's not that I'm broken because I've finished before but there have also been times when it's been quick but you prolonged it in every way you could. Does that mean that the last time we were together that you just weren't into it and that you could careless if we did but you saw how much I put into it and you didn't want to hurt my feelings?
The truth is I'm frustrated because I can't figure out how to help this, to fix this thing because at the end of the day the end result is me being immoral; hiding behind the scenes trying not to say too much that will hurt your feelings, but to make sure I say enough so you'll understand what I'm feeling or talking about. I thought I could go without and to sacrifice maybe just a few times when it wasn't rockin' my world, so that way I could build up your pride, your self-esteem. I thought I could not fake, but not be completely honest in order to get that end result that we both wanted. All that happens is you're tired because I keep trying to having sex with you and you finish and at the end I'm not so I end up going home and secretly doing things I shouldn't be doing. I can't live like that anymore. I can't, but I don't know how to help you understand, I don't know how to talk openly with you, and I don't know how to stop my feelings.
The truth is that I'm unhappy but chances are not as much as you think I am, by thinking I'm saying "we have a horrible sex-life". I'm not happy with it currently, but I'm happy it is much better than it was. We aren't there yet and I know we'll get back there but how if we can't even have a conversation with one another where there's no pressure, no fault, just understanding?
You think I like taking the blame of making something out of nothing? First of all it's not nothing and second of all, I don't. I'm not broken and I never was but I do know that ignoring what doesn't work and continuing to do it, doesn't work for anyone. All it does is allow me to lie to you because I'm afraid to hurt your feelings, and it hurts me because I'm lying, and secretly finding resolve at home, alone, which still gives me no satisfaction or release.
The truth is...I just want that release. I just want to feel no pressure, or like I'm the reason it's not good, or great, or grand because of my confidence. I'm fighting those thoughts...are you? I just want to be satisfied and you know how to, and where to, and so do I...so let's do it.
The truth is I wonder why you won't go down on me just randomly, just as a surprise, without personal gain? I wonder if you even desire sex these days and why not, what are you feeling? I wonder if it will always be where it feels like we're begging for sex and not just enjoying it as something to be envied by others. I wonder a lot but at this moment I wonder will we'll even get the opportunity to have that release together again? We've had a couple times in the past week where we have been together and boy they were fun and really great to spend that time with you, but why do I still feel unsatisfied? It's not just me thinking wrongly, or feeling wrongly because my feelings are real and they are just and aren't just some ficticious cause and effect of negative emotions.
I'm happy, but at the same time...I'm unhappy because I still feel that I have to watch something bad in order to find that release and then after its done, I still don't feel anything I would've felt with you. Deep down I'm crying for change, for help, for a release, for no pressure from you.
In time....the best is yet to come I guess.
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