After making my muffin pan "fun" sized lasagnes I watched a movie called Incendiary, starring Michelle Williams. For the major part of the movie I sat trying to figure out how to say that word. Has that ever happened to you; captivated by a good book you stop at a word that you're unsure of its pronunciation, nonetheless clueless to it's meaning? Often when this happens to me I get stuck on it even chapters later, as if it stays at the entrance to my brain, waiting to be interpreted correctly.
I've come to find out that incendiary, when used as an adjective, can mean one of four scenarios, if not all. It was particularily used to describe the setting of fire to a property. When used as a noun it is related to all three definitions.
1. a person who deliberately sets fire to buildings or other property, as an arsonist.
2. military. a shell, bomb, or grenade containing napalm or thermite, or other substance that burns with instense heat.
3. a person who stirs up strife, sedition, etc.; an agitator
I have come to learn that this particular movie was released in 2008 and received mixed reviews. The synopsis reads an adulterous woman's life is torn apart when her husband and son are killed in a suicide bombing at a soccer game. I'm am certain after reading the synopsis that most would unjustly judge the content of this phenomenal movie without ever giving it another chance. This movie is about so much more than an act of desperation from a loveless marriage. It's more than the death of loved ones. I believe that this movie was created for the re-birth of not only and individual, but our nation.
After the 9/11 tragedy this nation and our American families struggled to find reason to be considered "survivors" of a horrific terrorist act. This movie captures the essence and necessity of strength through the most unbearable of times. Anyone could relate to this movie if they have lost someone who was truely their everything and had to rebuild from the bottom. Overall, this movie was one of the best movies I have seen because not only did she survive the adjective use of the word titling the movie, but she survived the internal death call caused by Osama Bin Laden, who can only be remembered as all definitions of the word incendiary.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Delicious Sundae Surprise
"Every basket is like a delicious sundae surprise", the wall would read in the most appealing font and color. Above a menu board with four columns; cone, ice cream, toppings, whipped cream & cherry.
Of course when you're making a basket you've got to start with a solid foundation, something that's going to be a substantial base that can support your delicious dessert. This could be a box, a basket, a cermaic bowl, a coffee mug. No matter the choice you're cone is just as important to think about in combination with which dessert you choose.
In this scenario the ice cream could be considered the bottom layer, before you put all of your taste-fabulous goodies on top. It's the filling underneathe the items that you choose that will also help hold your basket together. Items that could be considered ice cream could be a towel, for a spa basket, a cutting board to support the back of your kitchen themed basket, or it could be the type of paper that you choose to lower and raise your items for better display.
Next you have your toppings. Me, personally, I can't have ice cream, or rather do not enjoy ice cream by itself. I have to have toppings to really make my dessert long-lasting and satisfactory. They are what enhance the flavor of the ice cream and cone combination and without them...there truly is no point. Whether it be bath soaps, wine and cheese, or candy for a movie-themed basket you must think carefully in choosing your toppings. There has to be a purpose; a rhyme and reason for the toppings you choose because otherwise you end up with something that simply is neither appealing nor appetizing.
Last, to top off your after-dinner delight you must have your whipped cream and cherry. Even if you don't particularily like whipped cream or cherries, most order sundaes without asking for it to be taken off because they figure that someone else they're sharing with might want it. This is true in the basket creating business as well and a delicious sundae surprise just isn't the same without it.
Of course when you're making a basket you've got to start with a solid foundation, something that's going to be a substantial base that can support your delicious dessert. This could be a box, a basket, a cermaic bowl, a coffee mug. No matter the choice you're cone is just as important to think about in combination with which dessert you choose.
In this scenario the ice cream could be considered the bottom layer, before you put all of your taste-fabulous goodies on top. It's the filling underneathe the items that you choose that will also help hold your basket together. Items that could be considered ice cream could be a towel, for a spa basket, a cutting board to support the back of your kitchen themed basket, or it could be the type of paper that you choose to lower and raise your items for better display.
Next you have your toppings. Me, personally, I can't have ice cream, or rather do not enjoy ice cream by itself. I have to have toppings to really make my dessert long-lasting and satisfactory. They are what enhance the flavor of the ice cream and cone combination and without them...there truly is no point. Whether it be bath soaps, wine and cheese, or candy for a movie-themed basket you must think carefully in choosing your toppings. There has to be a purpose; a rhyme and reason for the toppings you choose because otherwise you end up with something that simply is neither appealing nor appetizing.
Last, to top off your after-dinner delight you must have your whipped cream and cherry. Even if you don't particularily like whipped cream or cherries, most order sundaes without asking for it to be taken off because they figure that someone else they're sharing with might want it. This is true in the basket creating business as well and a delicious sundae surprise just isn't the same without it.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Survival Mode
Today has been an interesting day thus far. To be quite honest this entire week has been weird.
I finished another set of paintings for a childs room so that was at least productive. I'm hoping that my photographer friend Leya will be willing to shoot some shots for my etsy.com account so that I can at least get those up soon.
What I really want to talk about right now is something that Dr. Archie mentioned. As we spent our hour talking today it begun to make complete sense of how I've personally been acting this past week.
He started to talk about when the brain goes into survival mode it starts to lose hope, lose faith, lose a motivation, and meaning of purpose because our brain is so focused on worrying about the necessities to stay alive. Eat. Drink. Sleep.
To me this makes perfect sense because...it's sort of hard to explain but I'm trying to do the best that I can. It is almost as if I have reverted back to what I know about survival. It's eating spaghetti and not driving too much to conserve gas. It's using my resources at home so that I won't have to waste gas or money on food eating out. I think that after my last paycheck at Kirklands I have begun to start thinking like this and now it's having a negative affect on me.
It's clear to me now that's why I haven't taken the opportunity to travel and distribute my business cards; because I'm trying to conserve gas. I think it makes sense why it's begun to affect my sleep, the worrying. It has begun to affect my physical health as far as motivation to exercise or eat right regularily and loss of motivation to really find inspiration or courage.
Spiritually I think that's why I've been struggling as well because I've been so consumed with faith that I've lost mine and to be so trapped indoors and set in this mode of survial has dampered the trust I carry in my Lord.
I think He wants me to still go out even if I'm not sure when I'll be able to fill the gas tank up again. I think it's okay if I eat out sometimes, or to splurge on something like the good kind of toilet paper instead of the dollar store because it means I am having that fearless faith that I've been wanting to have. I think He wants me to wake up and carry on my day like I have this purpose, somewhere to be, someplace to go, and some thing to do even though it might just be to the bank, or to call a friend, or to listen to conference calls for my business.
I think I understand now and I'm a little bit more hopeful and relieved. I know now that this is why I decided to quit my job and that it wasn't that I made a mistake, but that He was trying to show me how to have that fearless faith that is so hard to have when you're someone like me.
Now, I feel just a little bit better understanding Him and I'm truly thankful!
I finished another set of paintings for a childs room so that was at least productive. I'm hoping that my photographer friend Leya will be willing to shoot some shots for my etsy.com account so that I can at least get those up soon.
What I really want to talk about right now is something that Dr. Archie mentioned. As we spent our hour talking today it begun to make complete sense of how I've personally been acting this past week.
He started to talk about when the brain goes into survival mode it starts to lose hope, lose faith, lose a motivation, and meaning of purpose because our brain is so focused on worrying about the necessities to stay alive. Eat. Drink. Sleep.
To me this makes perfect sense because...it's sort of hard to explain but I'm trying to do the best that I can. It is almost as if I have reverted back to what I know about survival. It's eating spaghetti and not driving too much to conserve gas. It's using my resources at home so that I won't have to waste gas or money on food eating out. I think that after my last paycheck at Kirklands I have begun to start thinking like this and now it's having a negative affect on me.
It's clear to me now that's why I haven't taken the opportunity to travel and distribute my business cards; because I'm trying to conserve gas. I think it makes sense why it's begun to affect my sleep, the worrying. It has begun to affect my physical health as far as motivation to exercise or eat right regularily and loss of motivation to really find inspiration or courage.
Spiritually I think that's why I've been struggling as well because I've been so consumed with faith that I've lost mine and to be so trapped indoors and set in this mode of survial has dampered the trust I carry in my Lord.
I think He wants me to still go out even if I'm not sure when I'll be able to fill the gas tank up again. I think it's okay if I eat out sometimes, or to splurge on something like the good kind of toilet paper instead of the dollar store because it means I am having that fearless faith that I've been wanting to have. I think He wants me to wake up and carry on my day like I have this purpose, somewhere to be, someplace to go, and some thing to do even though it might just be to the bank, or to call a friend, or to listen to conference calls for my business.
I think I understand now and I'm a little bit more hopeful and relieved. I know now that this is why I decided to quit my job and that it wasn't that I made a mistake, but that He was trying to show me how to have that fearless faith that is so hard to have when you're someone like me.
Now, I feel just a little bit better understanding Him and I'm truly thankful!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Overdue Prayer
Latley, I've been kind've outside of myself. Today, I want to say to God what I should've been grounded to say all week long.
Heavenly Father,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way that I've been living life lately; ungrateful, scattered, and confused. I know that I am human but I don't want to use that as an excuse right now. We both know I could've done a lot better. We both know I could've stood up a little more, been patient, more kind. We both know that if I would've held myself accountable I wouldn't have had so many drowsy, confused, freaked-out days.
The truth is father that it's me. I've let myself lose control of the situation and while You're the one that's in control, I've let go of my own responsibilities and for that I am sorry. I have relied so much on You to tell me and have refused to listen. I have tried to make something happen because I thought that's what you wanted and then tried to pick out ways that it could've been You that told me to do it when we both know that's not how this works.
The hard part is letting go Father. Letting go of the worries. It's one thing to pray it, it's another to feel it. I think in some ways I have but in others I'm still holding on to something that isn't in my control, like destiny, fate, future, and time. So often I get caught up in feeling like I have to be the one who gets something done instead of sitting back and waiting for You to work in me. I've wondered about my future and how I can kill a few stones all at once instead of just listening to you.
Father, I have no idea if I'm supposed to be in the National Guard or not. I know that there are benefits to both sides and I am completely confused as to what You want and how to listen to You. I know that I'm more scared to come out of it with broken faith and no one to help me come back. I know that I'm scared of a lot of things but what it truly comes down to is will I have enough courage to take a leap and to trust that You have my back no matter what I choose. I know that with You I could get through any experience, but I'm not certain if this isn't happening because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, or because it's not really what You want for me.
I know that there are lots of other ways I can be fearless in my faith and I have been too scared to take advantage of those opportunities as well. All of this fear within me; it's just another reason why joining the NG would force me to be a better version of myself.
All I've wanted is accountability. Ya know, it's not even something that's a hard thing to find as long as there's just one other person there to help you. Ya know ?It's not that I'm trying to put all the blame or responsibility on someone else because I'm not, it's my problem to hold myself accountable. I know that. But I also have to be realistic, realistic and know that I am sick and a part of me healing and learning how to cope on my own, to develop those skills is help.
Well, I won't go into all of that again because I don't want to make it seem like "oh poor me" because in reality, in comparison, I have a wonderful life even with all the bad. I have a family who loves me, friends who make me laugh, and I have a great sense of humor that makes others laugh. I'm happy and I know that You will provide. I just fear that I'll make everything worse, like some would say, like I think the tapes in my head still play from time to time.
"You ruin everything Katie!"
I think the largest reason why I wanted to join the NG was because I wanted to be fearless in my faith and then it became such a fear to even walk through the doors to get more information that it was my faith was useless with all the fear in me. If I can't even walk through the doors what does that say about my faith? What does that say about me?
Even now, today, I'm not worried about joining because I'm happy. I'm happy because I see good things in the future to come. I see traveling and going back to visit friends in Denver and exploring what it used to be. I'm looking forward to seeing the place that I loved and could see myself being comfortable and confident in my art, in my thoughts, in my body for the first time. I want to go back and not think, "man I want to be here again" but I want to close my eyes, breathe deep, and smile because I did it. I made it happen once and even just for a short time I succeeded!
Father, all week long I've asked for things I've thought I was supposed to ask for; patience, discernment, etc. I know that You're above me and that You know when there is an empty prayer. Father it's not that I didn't truly feel these things and that I didn't want them. It's that it wasn't from my heart, at least not everything I prayed about.
Father thank you for all the good that You're bring to me, to my life. For a long time in Denver it was truly a darkness I never wanted to revisit and suddenly after I moved out and into my apartment I was in that darkness again. Both times You have shown me that if I wait on You than things will get better.
I know now that we are expected to fall, to crawl, and at times sit in the middle of the darkness because You want us to keep going, to keep believing. You allow certain hardships in our lives to build our faith, to build our love, and courage for You. I know that this is it and that this while mild, is my darkness, but I have hope because of You, because of past example, because You love me.
Father I want to ask for forgiveness. I want to ask for a second chance at holding myself accountable. I am truly sorry for the things that I have done to show not love towards You but something else. I do love You Father and I ask that YOU guide me to the future that YOU want me to take so that I may better carry out YOUR will. Teach me as YOU see fit.
Father I also want to just ask for that one humanly person to help hold me accountable. Who may not solely rely on me and I on them, but that we may build our confidence together not as two humans helping one another but as two humans willing to sacrifice their lives, their time, and their bodies so that You may work through them. Father I ask for accountability and for a helper of mine own.
In Your most heavenly name I pray, amen.
Heavenly Father,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way that I've been living life lately; ungrateful, scattered, and confused. I know that I am human but I don't want to use that as an excuse right now. We both know I could've done a lot better. We both know I could've stood up a little more, been patient, more kind. We both know that if I would've held myself accountable I wouldn't have had so many drowsy, confused, freaked-out days.
The truth is father that it's me. I've let myself lose control of the situation and while You're the one that's in control, I've let go of my own responsibilities and for that I am sorry. I have relied so much on You to tell me and have refused to listen. I have tried to make something happen because I thought that's what you wanted and then tried to pick out ways that it could've been You that told me to do it when we both know that's not how this works.
The hard part is letting go Father. Letting go of the worries. It's one thing to pray it, it's another to feel it. I think in some ways I have but in others I'm still holding on to something that isn't in my control, like destiny, fate, future, and time. So often I get caught up in feeling like I have to be the one who gets something done instead of sitting back and waiting for You to work in me. I've wondered about my future and how I can kill a few stones all at once instead of just listening to you.
Father, I have no idea if I'm supposed to be in the National Guard or not. I know that there are benefits to both sides and I am completely confused as to what You want and how to listen to You. I know that I'm more scared to come out of it with broken faith and no one to help me come back. I know that I'm scared of a lot of things but what it truly comes down to is will I have enough courage to take a leap and to trust that You have my back no matter what I choose. I know that with You I could get through any experience, but I'm not certain if this isn't happening because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, or because it's not really what You want for me.
I know that there are lots of other ways I can be fearless in my faith and I have been too scared to take advantage of those opportunities as well. All of this fear within me; it's just another reason why joining the NG would force me to be a better version of myself.
All I've wanted is accountability. Ya know, it's not even something that's a hard thing to find as long as there's just one other person there to help you. Ya know ?It's not that I'm trying to put all the blame or responsibility on someone else because I'm not, it's my problem to hold myself accountable. I know that. But I also have to be realistic, realistic and know that I am sick and a part of me healing and learning how to cope on my own, to develop those skills is help.
Well, I won't go into all of that again because I don't want to make it seem like "oh poor me" because in reality, in comparison, I have a wonderful life even with all the bad. I have a family who loves me, friends who make me laugh, and I have a great sense of humor that makes others laugh. I'm happy and I know that You will provide. I just fear that I'll make everything worse, like some would say, like I think the tapes in my head still play from time to time.
"You ruin everything Katie!"
I think the largest reason why I wanted to join the NG was because I wanted to be fearless in my faith and then it became such a fear to even walk through the doors to get more information that it was my faith was useless with all the fear in me. If I can't even walk through the doors what does that say about my faith? What does that say about me?
Even now, today, I'm not worried about joining because I'm happy. I'm happy because I see good things in the future to come. I see traveling and going back to visit friends in Denver and exploring what it used to be. I'm looking forward to seeing the place that I loved and could see myself being comfortable and confident in my art, in my thoughts, in my body for the first time. I want to go back and not think, "man I want to be here again" but I want to close my eyes, breathe deep, and smile because I did it. I made it happen once and even just for a short time I succeeded!
Father, all week long I've asked for things I've thought I was supposed to ask for; patience, discernment, etc. I know that You're above me and that You know when there is an empty prayer. Father it's not that I didn't truly feel these things and that I didn't want them. It's that it wasn't from my heart, at least not everything I prayed about.
Father thank you for all the good that You're bring to me, to my life. For a long time in Denver it was truly a darkness I never wanted to revisit and suddenly after I moved out and into my apartment I was in that darkness again. Both times You have shown me that if I wait on You than things will get better.
I know now that we are expected to fall, to crawl, and at times sit in the middle of the darkness because You want us to keep going, to keep believing. You allow certain hardships in our lives to build our faith, to build our love, and courage for You. I know that this is it and that this while mild, is my darkness, but I have hope because of You, because of past example, because You love me.
Father I want to ask for forgiveness. I want to ask for a second chance at holding myself accountable. I am truly sorry for the things that I have done to show not love towards You but something else. I do love You Father and I ask that YOU guide me to the future that YOU want me to take so that I may better carry out YOUR will. Teach me as YOU see fit.
Father I also want to just ask for that one humanly person to help hold me accountable. Who may not solely rely on me and I on them, but that we may build our confidence together not as two humans helping one another but as two humans willing to sacrifice their lives, their time, and their bodies so that You may work through them. Father I ask for accountability and for a helper of mine own.
In Your most heavenly name I pray, amen.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Wishes don't come true
I wish I had a partner who was accountable, reliable, and most of all just there. Today I've got about 1000 different things going through my head and the beauty of having a best friend who's your partner is knowing they're the ones you can count on to help sort through it all. They're the ones who are going to listen to what's going on in your brain and help you take one thought at a time, not to make you feel stupid or forgettable.
And they certainly can't just ignore you.
I have no clue what I'm doing in my life. All of a sudden it seems so out of control and I'm not sure if it's that it seems that way or if it's because I let it get to this point. Maybe I'm just freaking out unnecessarily.
Either way this is why it comes down to feeling alone, even when I know that I'm not; because the one person I want and really really wish I had next to me... is lost in his own little world, unreachable.
Father, please help me to makes sense of my life. Help be that partner for me. Send me help so that I may know Your will for me. Use me how you see fit and if anything else I ask for Your forgiveness and regulation. In Your precious name, amen.
And they certainly can't just ignore you.
I have no clue what I'm doing in my life. All of a sudden it seems so out of control and I'm not sure if it's that it seems that way or if it's because I let it get to this point. Maybe I'm just freaking out unnecessarily.
Either way this is why it comes down to feeling alone, even when I know that I'm not; because the one person I want and really really wish I had next to me... is lost in his own little world, unreachable.
Father, please help me to makes sense of my life. Help be that partner for me. Send me help so that I may know Your will for me. Use me how you see fit and if anything else I ask for Your forgiveness and regulation. In Your precious name, amen.
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Next Chapter
Should something like a marriage be a place where you're still just living your life? Should it be that you're living a life for someone else? Should it be that you're only a part of someone's life, playing a supporting character but not really half of the whole show?
Maybe I still haven't figured out what this marriage was, is, or will become.
I know now as I sit here and wonder that isn't a life that I thought I would have. Do I love my narcissist? Yes, absolutely! Is my frustrations merely just a side affect of spending eternity with one person? I'm not sure. I know that a lot of things in life aren't meant to be solved and that questioning the 'why's' are pointless. I know that there are times when I don't know anything, but this much is true that it's not the life I wanted.
Never in my wildest of dreams did I think that I would have a life that I live, married to a man that I love, one day going to have children together...who doesn't even know who I am or what I do; who may not even care about my life and if I live it for me, God, but only if I play a valid part in his life.
The downside of narcissm is loneliness; loneliness in the partners life. A lot of times they're oblivious to the lives that live outside of theirs and if it's not for their sole purpose of survival it should not and does not exist.
Take this blog for example. I write in it. It's a place where I can come and be safe with my thoughts. I want it to be something to help others, if they read. In most instances I would like to have my partner read it because he's interested in how I work, in my mind, in my thoughts, in my life which is very difficult for the brain of a narcissist to do.
Most of the time I feel like I'm just a person living a completely seperate life from my partner without him ever knowing it. Every little move that I make doesn't seem to make one bit of difference, right or wrong unless it involves him. If it is something that is "wrong" by my biblical standards than it's not worth the time spent helping to encourage that it was wrong for those reasons, at least not to him. If it's something that has directly resulted in affecting his life, it is completely unacceptable.
Should this be the way a marriage is to survive? Can it survive this way?
Not so long ago I lost friends and family because of these decisions that I've made, to sacrifice, to make time for, to learn my lines for this never-ending opera. If you ask me why I did I'll say it was because of love. I'll say at first it was because I loved my narcissist before I knew who he truly was. After that it was because I loved my narcissist because I knew who he truly was. But somewhere in my complete personal overhaul did I choose to do what I did because I loved God despite of who my narcissist was, or possibly will be.
My life is a great life. It's life. I live for God and I'm grateful for what I have. If I can't stand up to any of the promises I've made to myself, to my narcissit or anyone else...I have to be willing to stand up for the promise I made to God no matter how I'm feeling. There are most certainly great times between us, however, there is most certainly a 'but' that follows that statement. Should there be?
Most of the time at the end of a long, strenuous, stressful, frustrating day I have to ask myself not how much I love my narcissist, but rather how much do I love God. Do I love him enough to carry the burden of being a wife to a narcissist?
I realize now that to wonder if he'll change, or even if he can, isn't right to do. I believe more in the power of God than I do my narcissist and with that I know that he will. God is strong even when partner is weak and God is humble even when my he is too proud. I know that with God's help and guidance that he will change some day. One day God will provide strength and courage to my narcissist so that he will no longer be stuck in his days of selfishness and blame. I know that God works in His time, not mine. Suddenly as I write I feel relief to know that it's ok to live my life accordingly, not selfishly, or sacrificially.
I know that it is not my responsibility to change him, it is His. God has shown me the power of giving my narcissist to Him and I have lost that. When I left my narcissist for the first time I was afraid. I was afraid but I knew I wouldn't survive otherwise. I didn't just decide for myself, I decided for my narcissist that I did him no good falling in the hole with him.
On the car ride to my new apartment I cried, and cried but what I remember saying is this: "Take him. Father take him. He is yours now. I'm sorry if I've made the wrong decision. I'm sorry I couldn't change him."
In time God worked in his heart and even though it was painful to watch God gave me what I wanted and He will do it again. I'm thankful for the work He has done in me, especially with the knowledge and experience of letting God handle my narcissist.
So the only question that remains now is "What will I choose to do with my time in waiting?" To that I'll answer, "defy gravity and live to the fullest for Him and only Him!"
Maybe I still haven't figured out what this marriage was, is, or will become.
I know now as I sit here and wonder that isn't a life that I thought I would have. Do I love my narcissist? Yes, absolutely! Is my frustrations merely just a side affect of spending eternity with one person? I'm not sure. I know that a lot of things in life aren't meant to be solved and that questioning the 'why's' are pointless. I know that there are times when I don't know anything, but this much is true that it's not the life I wanted.
Never in my wildest of dreams did I think that I would have a life that I live, married to a man that I love, one day going to have children together...who doesn't even know who I am or what I do; who may not even care about my life and if I live it for me, God, but only if I play a valid part in his life.
The downside of narcissm is loneliness; loneliness in the partners life. A lot of times they're oblivious to the lives that live outside of theirs and if it's not for their sole purpose of survival it should not and does not exist.
Take this blog for example. I write in it. It's a place where I can come and be safe with my thoughts. I want it to be something to help others, if they read. In most instances I would like to have my partner read it because he's interested in how I work, in my mind, in my thoughts, in my life which is very difficult for the brain of a narcissist to do.
Most of the time I feel like I'm just a person living a completely seperate life from my partner without him ever knowing it. Every little move that I make doesn't seem to make one bit of difference, right or wrong unless it involves him. If it is something that is "wrong" by my biblical standards than it's not worth the time spent helping to encourage that it was wrong for those reasons, at least not to him. If it's something that has directly resulted in affecting his life, it is completely unacceptable.
Should this be the way a marriage is to survive? Can it survive this way?
Not so long ago I lost friends and family because of these decisions that I've made, to sacrifice, to make time for, to learn my lines for this never-ending opera. If you ask me why I did I'll say it was because of love. I'll say at first it was because I loved my narcissist before I knew who he truly was. After that it was because I loved my narcissist because I knew who he truly was. But somewhere in my complete personal overhaul did I choose to do what I did because I loved God despite of who my narcissist was, or possibly will be.
My life is a great life. It's life. I live for God and I'm grateful for what I have. If I can't stand up to any of the promises I've made to myself, to my narcissit or anyone else...I have to be willing to stand up for the promise I made to God no matter how I'm feeling. There are most certainly great times between us, however, there is most certainly a 'but' that follows that statement. Should there be?
Most of the time at the end of a long, strenuous, stressful, frustrating day I have to ask myself not how much I love my narcissist, but rather how much do I love God. Do I love him enough to carry the burden of being a wife to a narcissist?
I realize now that to wonder if he'll change, or even if he can, isn't right to do. I believe more in the power of God than I do my narcissist and with that I know that he will. God is strong even when partner is weak and God is humble even when my he is too proud. I know that with God's help and guidance that he will change some day. One day God will provide strength and courage to my narcissist so that he will no longer be stuck in his days of selfishness and blame. I know that God works in His time, not mine. Suddenly as I write I feel relief to know that it's ok to live my life accordingly, not selfishly, or sacrificially.
I know that it is not my responsibility to change him, it is His. God has shown me the power of giving my narcissist to Him and I have lost that. When I left my narcissist for the first time I was afraid. I was afraid but I knew I wouldn't survive otherwise. I didn't just decide for myself, I decided for my narcissist that I did him no good falling in the hole with him.
On the car ride to my new apartment I cried, and cried but what I remember saying is this: "Take him. Father take him. He is yours now. I'm sorry if I've made the wrong decision. I'm sorry I couldn't change him."
In time God worked in his heart and even though it was painful to watch God gave me what I wanted and He will do it again. I'm thankful for the work He has done in me, especially with the knowledge and experience of letting God handle my narcissist.
So the only question that remains now is "What will I choose to do with my time in waiting?" To that I'll answer, "defy gravity and live to the fullest for Him and only Him!"
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