Nameless

I mentioned before how difficult it was to get into the beginning of Nicholas Sparks' novels and I'm struggling to find interest in A Bend In The Road for a few reasons.

#1. I'm pretty sure I've read the book already but at the same time I'm not sure if I've read the entire book so I'm wanting to just re-read it again. However, that's the second reason...

#2. I'm pretty sure I've read the book already and my brain is telling me "NO!"

Haha. Either way it doesn't matter because it's just a book and chances are I have read the book but my memory just doesn't want to work correctly. It's not very long so it shouldn't take me that long to read it and I'd like to get through all of Nicholas' books this year.

Here's what I really want to talk about. I really want to talk about the frustration I get when someone chooses to ignore me. I know that right now is a "difficult time" for my husband because he's feeling depressed and isn't quite sure how to look at life and our marriage any different, but...I'm not sure how to help him. I'm pretty sure that all I can do right now is leave him alone and hope he'll come back to me wanting me to help. That's a very difficult thing to do and there are a lot of parts of me that just doesn't want to do that.

It's so hard to tell yourself, move on when you feel selfish and horrible like you're leaving someone behind but unless you want to get sucked down the hole with them...you've got to let go. So...I'm going to try.

I can't get frustrated for being ignored when I know how that feeling is when all you want to do is sleep the entire day away because you're afraid of feeling horrible about yourself if you're forced to wake up and live the day. There's often a feeling of no point to going through the motions and everything feels ten times more powerful than before. Even the littlest of things like going to get food, or brushing your teeth seems like such a task you can't possibly begin to handle. That's why I don't like feeling like I'm leaving him behind however he's not letting me help encourage him either. I'm just really not sure what to do in this situation and as much as I'd like to take it to God, this time...I'm waiting to do that. I know that He's still right there at the center of my everything and yes I've made some bad decisions despite everything to keep me in this far enough away mood but He's still my everything and I'm trying to follow Him.

I don't know. It's weird to explain because I know and still believe everything about God and this marriage and the work He's done in us, in me, but I feel like I can't allow myself to go back just yet. Because when I go back I'm in that happy, ecstatic state where everything is blissful and irrational and the next thing I know...BOOM either a lie or something else knocks me off my rocker of joy and I'm just unwilling to do that right now.

#3. Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks

I am so happy to find out that the novel Safe Haven, written by my favorite Nicholas Sparks might be coming to theaters. I just finished this amazing book last night and have to admit was very surprised by the direction he took with this novel. This story was unlike any story he has written so far, but the emotion and amount of details painting each scene perfectly was still in the quality of his work.

This story was about a woman who finds herself in an almost unforgiveable circumstance who has to fight her way to a life she never thought she'd have. Without spoiling all the details in true Nicholas Sparks fashion it's a romance, however, this particular story was more about a woman starting over and trusting love, life, and luck all at the same time. Just when she thinks she's gotten far enough away from her husband, he finds her with a new identity and a family he never intended on giving her. She finds herself fighting back against her abuser to protect the only family she's ever known.

As always I found myself having trouble staying focused at the beginning of the book. For some reason Mr. Sparks likes to take his time leading up to the good stuff but as promised, he delivered BIG TIME! When you get to the second-to-last chapter I sat there reading with anticipation wanting to skip paragraphs and details just so I could get to the ending because it was just that good. I'm sure you won't be disappointed.

Such is life:
Don't judge the book by the cover and give everything a chance to meet your expectations!

50 books in 1 year

50 Books in 1 Year

#1. MANIC a memoir

by Terri Cheney

#2. Going In Circles

by Pamela Ribon

#3. Safe Haven

by Nicholas Sparks

#4. A Bend in the Road

by Nicholas Sparks

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The truth is I hate my husband.
The truth is I hate that I hate him.
The truth is I hate myself for being so naive and trusting, so desperate and weak to not look out for myself.
I know I'm just another prey for him to munch on and when the meats all gone and all that's left is the chewy fat resting on bone he'll finish and leave to die just like the rest of them only...I won't die.
I may not have the meat that was juicy as before and my fat and bones might be covered with dirt from nonmovement for so long but the difference will be I'll be the one feasting for years when eventually your prey will run out.

The truth is I want to leave my husband, or rather the person he refuses to change.
So many times he plays dumb asking what I mean when I say that very sentence, but if he really truly allowed himself to be vulnerable long enough so that God could reach in and shake him, he'd know and he'd break down with embarassment again. I'm angry because I don't understand his kind or mine. I despise the women who sit there on the floor crying while their husbands tear them down inside, making them hate themselves even more. Deep down I despise them because that is me and I hate that I'm not strong enough to walk away. The question I have is will my God forgive me if I did? Is that what it truly takes for my husband to find his faith just like history in his family?

He's not a bad person and I'm supposed to love him because he's God's creation but I do hate him. I hate what he does to me and the oblivious nature he carries for someone he "has". The truth is that at times I want to fall unto the depression again, turn my back on God and all the gifts He's provided for me to stay afloat. How easy it would be to trip just once, to slip up causing all those demons to tug and pull at me. At that very thought I invision skinned creatures from the underworld crowded beneath me with their dirty, scathed arms pulling at my own. It doesn't take must to pull me under because I'm ready and willing to give up in this vision.

I know that no amount of numbers notecards could ever make a dent and no amount of kisses or "I love you's" or even prayers could make a difference which is why I always come to the conclusion that the only time it has ever made a dent was when he was forced to be alone, dealing with himself long enough for Christ to crowd his space. But again, the notion comes in that he would soon just mimick this relationship with another, not for lack of love for me but rather lack of love for himself.

Am I doomed to this awful hurtful life? No it's not physically abusive like it used to be but aren't internal wounds much more tedious to heal? There's no bandage that will cover a broken heart except for Christ, which then comes back to the question of forgiveness. Will my God forgive me?

Life was so much easier, or at least becoming manageable and hopeful with the acceptance that this life was over. A blessing in disguise really. Am I bad wife or do I not truly love him if I carry these feelings? Everyday is a battle, a struggle for me to just want to touch his hands or to see his face, a face I often find myself wanting to scrape across with my fist. I find myself fighting revenge as to somehow find justification for every person he made to think I was in the wrong, for every person he convinced I was the bad person when everything in this relationship has changed except for him and still the problems occur.

I know now that there is no hope in showing him and there is only a hope that on that day I leave or die, he'll finally get it. Until then is this my mission Oh God? To live a life, a marriage without fullness or joy or even to know what unconditional love is, to not see my husband walk in your light? Why then did You show me what he could be if I believed? Why then did You allow him to perceive his identity as something else and unveil the truth after I made that promise.

Not ever have I lied about who I am or how I work and still I have no clue who this person is at heart. I do wonder if he would be capable in the latter years to kill without disregard or emotion. Does he?

Why did you give me this life, or allow me to choose this life for myself? Was it to show me the error of my ways because I swear if I knew what I knew now I would say 'no' when he asked if I would date him. I would choose myself instead.

Will he ever find You? Does he even want to? How am I to be married to this man whom I hate, and still love him, care for him, forgive him? How am I to be expected to live each day greatful for this life when all I want is a new one, a new husband or at least the husband I know he could be. Is it possible to believe and have hope but not get your hopes up?

I don't want to carry this rock anymore simply because I'm nothing. I am nothing because of this man and the funny part is he wouldn't even know it.

Future novelist

I think I'll write a book.

No one ever said that writing a book had to be published to be great, of course that would be the public standard huh?

Isn't it interesting that anything could really be published these days but yet people are so afraid of the judgement that they shy away from telling their story.

I'd like to write a book and it used to be writing to help others, to paint a better name for myself, to just make money and have fun writing. Now, I want to write a book to heal old wounds. I want to see the words on the page, just like a journal or a letter, accept it as truth and be in a place where I can then say "okay", put down the book, close the chapter, and move on.

I wonder if in life I have a greater purpose and I end up spending more time wondering than actually doing. Even if it sucks, I'll heal because it's a learning process just like life and I feel like once you've figured out how to survive life in a healthy way...nothing will ever stop or slow you down.

The biggest obstacle I have is wanting to walk away from my husband. Of course I love him more than any other person in my life at this moment but I do fight the urge to see how much better, how much easier, how much growth and health would come without him. Of course when I'm not stuck in my emotions I realize that walking away would be the equivalent to leaving a wounded man behind in battle and for me, personally, I just wouldn't want to live with that.

Like anything else I would learn to forgive myself for it and I think that's the biggest difference between me and some others who have walked away is because I know I would be hurt, ashamed, embarassed at times but overall it's like every other decision made in my life meant to be accepted as either good or bad, right or wrong.

I won't leave my husband not because I can't, not because I love him too much, not because I'm afraid I'll never love again or that someone could ever love me again, and surely not because of loneliness. I won't leave my husband because this is not my life and this is not the hand I would've dealt myself. This life isn't about me or what I want for myself or how I want my life to go. This life is about learning how to readjust myself to fit the needs of my God and to me that is the only reason I keep choosing every day that I am reminded of how sad and lonely it can be even with my husband, because I know that this is not my life.

I know that my God would forgive me if I ever chose to leave and He would understand if I felt like I was at the end of my rope with nowhere to go, but I know that there is always more rope even when it seems there isn't and that there will always be the hope of what joys He will bring should I choose freely to abide in Him. I'm not trapped into my decision like I once argued, I am open and free to make whatever choice I want to make but I must always remember that this is not my life and who am I to say how it's supposed to run?

This is what I want my book to be about. What I have physically, emotionally, spiritually survived is easily equivalent to physical pain or injury or sickness. When I hear about stories of children with cancer, men who lost their legs in war, or women who overcame rape and abuse I equate my own struggles with theirs. Most will say how dare I say it's the same but we are all human and we are all capable of the same feelings no matter what circumstances we are in. Sometimes all it take to feel depression is the thought that you're not good enough and sometimes for others it's physical abuse from a parent or stranger who raped you in an alleyway.

So, I'll write because I have the ability to and I'll enjoy every minute of my day because it was made for me, just me.

Fact is Fact.

How do I know I made the right decision? Because the man doesn't care about my worries. He cares about having a third person paying the rent. Here's the facts.

1. We aren't "strong enough" to renew our vows but yet he wants to move in together.
2. We don't get along even if staying together for a week at a time and yet he's convinced we would be good living together.
3. He has to "think about" me staying the night but yet he wants to sleep together for the rest of our lives.
4. Recently when I asked him if he would re-marry me he lied to me about it but yet he says we're strong enough to live and trust one another again.

In my "expert" opinion, this man has confused what is from will be. We will be in a position in the future and I think the reason he has grown more frustrated is for perhaps the first time I have said "no" to a proposition followed by extensive fibs to sweeten the deal. I am proud of myself and where I will be because at the end of it, I will know exactly how to say "no" when it happens again.

I just think that the logics of what is fact is humorous and ironic considering the man who perceives it incorrectly considers himself in deed logical. Fact is fact.

Sheer coincidence?

So...if you know anything about mine and my husband's story, backgrounds and all you would know that every single fear I've ever had in my life, in my marriage has come true.

Sometimes my curiousity really gets the best of me and I do something that I always regret later. In a way I regret it, however, don't because it sparks something inside me to raise to a challenge that doesn't even exist. At first this challenge did exist and I catered to it's every whim simply because I wasn't confident enough to stand up for who I was/am as a woman. In fact it's taken several months, years even for me to even feel as if I were a "real" woman.

I think that confidence in who you are isn't necessarily the packaged deal because you can be confident in what you have to offer but at the same time not confident about what you are or what you stand for. The unique qualities about all of us are so much easier to accept than the simple facts of merely being a woman versus a teenager versus an adolescent. Call it what you will, albeit the way I was raised by my father living states away from my mother, or whatever but it didn't change the fact that I still wasn't confident that I was a real woman.

I guess somewhere I got lost in my own mind not knowing that I was, or could be and thus all of my thoughts fed fears and caused so much pain for myself because of my lack of confidence in being more than just an adolescent.

Just now I had one of those moments where I did something I regret but kind've don't. I smile or smirk sometimes and laugh to myself inside when I think about the "if" of Amanda Cowan. Her name is Amanda Cowan Baker now but as my husband knows her she will forever be Amanda Cowan, the one that got away. To me, and perhaps only me, she isn't and will never be 'the one'. At first, especially when she started becoming a part of our lives again I truly didn't want to believe this fact and I really did think that perhaps I was some sort of substitute for his previous girlfriend Lexi and Amanda. It was really hard to stomach possibly meeting her and being "friends" with her when it became evident that their long-term friendship, one that I "could never understand" became more important than our marriage. It became excruciatingly painful when I found out that my husband felt more comfort in talking to her about our marital problems instead of me so that we could find a solution together. I felt so cheated.

Anyways, I won't rehash the past but all I can say is that I am 'the one' because any other 'one' would've left a long time ago and if I did leave...it would've been that moment of desperation for self existence knowing that I had escaped your grasp finally leaving you forever.

I just laugh at the coincidences that are provided just to prick those fears within me. The shocking similarities to the women that he has previously dated before me is so weird. For instance, Amanda, or Mandy as he knew her. She is very strong-willed because she had to face losing her mother in highschool to cancer, she's joined the army and ran a marathon. I've wanted to run a marathon and she's already done it while living in Hawaii where she graduated from massage therapy school, to which my husband would benefit completely considering his extensive back problems. She also paints and draws tattoos and now in her free time between being superwoman and fixing up her house while her husband is in the army and raising three children she also draws tattoos for people and studies to become a veterinarian tech. She runs about 7 miles a day and to my fears is the perfect model of what he would want for a wife. She's strong minded and opinionated which is the one evidence I see to them never truly being a fit for each other because she would not put up with my husband's bullshit, but then again I allow myself to believe that she still is the perfect image of what he never knew he always wanted. Perhaps her confidence and strong will would've been beneficial to his short comings, but we'll never know because that ship sailed several years ago.

What's sad is that there is a possibility that if things worked out differently, and if he wouldn't have abandoned her and joined the Marines only to be medically discharged later on, that they would be together. The sadness comes in knowing that I would've gotten the boot without him ever truly admitting to how wonderful I am. Perhaps he'll never see that like he did that short period of time.

Then you have Krissy, or as she prefers Kristeena. She's the "free-spirited" woman that captivated his liking with her flirtaious and curvacious body and confidence. I now am forced to live with her as a friend in my life, which she is a wonderful person, but there still is that undeniable elephant that she has slept with my husband and he has again talked with her openly about our marriage instead of me. She also has the ability to cook home-cooked meals which is something no doubt my husband would love considering his mom loves to cook and would always make meals when they were children. She has large breasts which has always been something he has liked. She is adventurous sexually and no doubt probably the best he's ever had although he's admitted that I was. She also paints and is crafty.

The uncanny coincidences that continue to appear are frustrating but a challenge none-the-less. I have had to battle each one of his skeletons and at times I feel like I'll never win, but the truth is with or without my husband...I have won because it doesn't matter who he ends up with as long as I stay true to who I am. If it were to be that he and I were never meant to be together forever and he did end up with the perfect blend of all of us combined, I would be hurt for a while, rejected, but I would know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a man out there that will not require me to be challenged by his past every day of my life and to constantly doubt, or combat every coincidence that arises.

This is a simple lesson to which has taken me years to suggest, digest, and perfect to which I may never perfect...but strive to everyday.

Just a little sneeze...

I have to admit that today I'm a little sad. I'm not completely sure why though. Ever feel like your emotions are something that is so completely different from your brain? Like somehow they're a virus that you take a whiff of and then sneeze it out after it tickles your nose. It took me a long time to realize how to even get rid of unwanted, or damaging feelings, but I'd be lying if I said it's still a constant battle not to live inside of them rather than they inside of you.

Haha, when I think about that very fact I get this image in my mind of a person jumping into a tiny cup, circus style where they jump from a large platform into a horrifically small cup and somehow they fit perfectly. So, thinking about that makes me laugh because it's impossible to do, so it helps gain perspective that's what I'm trying to do when I'm feeling down or depressed.

Perhaps maybe it's the sunshine that has left the skies today, but then again I knew it would be rainy this weekend. Perhaps it's because I told Steve that we wouldn't be living together and I don't want him to be mad at me, or ignore me, or pull away from me. The hardest part is knowing and responding to his reactions, justly. I know that when I moved out and into this apartment it was really hard for him and it was extremely hard for me to muster up the guts to go through with it but I'm glad that I did because I don't know if we'd still be together had I not done that. I didn't understand why he didn't choose me and it was really hard to understand his actions, or his feelings and perhaps you could say that I'm also a little sad because I know that we are so very similar and that I need to work on my actions and reactions as well.

I want to be as patient and kind as I was that day we sat together in church for the first time after three or four months of barely recognizing that either one of us existed. I know that God has helped me find patience but I know that I need to learn more and I know that it's going to take so much more from me. A part of me is ready and willing, but there is always another part of me that really doesn't know if I'm capable of doing anything more until I'm sitting there looking back and realizing how proud I should've been of the work He was doing inside of me and how much I had gained.

Maybe I'm a little sad because I was really looking forward to living with my husband again and I know he'll be really hurt and upset by that and I'll have to stand by my decision recognizing if it's right or wrong when it comes and not taking into consideration what anyone else says. I know that I have to be confident that I made the decision but not conceited or controlling or too prideful to admit that I was wrong. I have to make these decisions in order to grow and I really feel like we aren't ready to live together and to be quite honest I knew that inside the only positive was that I we would save money. That shouldn't be the positive that I look for. It should be I love him and I've missed him so much that now we get to wake up together again, and come home and see each other there. So, I know that I'm not ready yet as crappy and as frustrating as that is.

As I'm typing I'm not feeling as frustrated about my decision or as sad as before. I'm happy for all the wonderful opportunities happening around me but I would also be lying if I said I wasn't sure what God wanted me to do. I know that there would be some great opportunities if Kim and I moved to Columbia and it would really force me to change, or it might force me into depression much like an animal when their owner goes off to work.

Which reminds me of Laura-kitty. I worry about her but at the same time I know that God directed her to me, but I'm not certain she'll be outside, or is outside and I feel so horrible allowing her to stay outside. This past week I haven't looked for her and it makes me feel like I'm just letting her suffer and selfishly continuing on with my life. I don't want to use God as an excuse and say "I'm just trusting God", which yes, I am, or trying to. But at the same time I know that I could do more and I'm not. Why? I wish I could just go right into those woods and search around. At least that would make me feel a heck of a lot better and not that she's just bundled up under some bush somewhere freezing from the wind and rain that's coming our way, or sweating to death from the 83% humidity we've been having lately.

I keep telling myself to just stay close to God and keep going. I feel like I've slipped just a little bit here in this past week or so, which makes me question my decisions although I know I've kept Him close to my heart and consulted Him.

All I can do is take my own advice and trust that God is leading me and that He will show me where I am wrong. I have faith that He will humble me as He has before. My only prayer today is for my husband and my Laura-kitty. I pray that they are safe and as I let go and let God I pray that they know just how much I love them and how much I wish they were always in my life. I pray for Laura-kitty to find a home where she can be loved as much as I've loved her, and more. I pray that Steve can find his faith, strong, but not forget how much I love him and want to be with him forever.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to have a place where I can come and just let it out.

Frustrating!

So much for not going backwards huh? I'm so tired of doing so well and getting into a groove and then being knocked down and going backwards about five feet. It's so frustrating, especially because mentally I'm trying so hard to handle everything. Maybe I'm not as strong as I think I am. I just want to do something different, to just do it! To be there already and to stop having things happen that make me want to quit. Can't I just have enough time to find a rythm and it becomes a habit before I'm challenged? So frustrating!

April 6th

I'm so desperate today for change. I don't want to be afraid anymore, or controlled, or allow my emotions to get out of control. I am better than what I was and because of that I can walk away from things that need to be walked away from. I can't allow myself to be sucked in anymore, no matter who it is. Because it's like the song goes..."if that's what love is, it costs too much". This morning I just want to pray. "Oh Heavenly Father. Father of everything, every creature, every creation in this life. You are truly amazing to all of us and most of us, including me, take that forgranted more so than not. All I ask of You today is to search my heart, search my soul and apply the lessons to my life that will make me as strong as You need me to be. I pray this special prayer in Your holy name, amen."

Afternoon prayer

"Father, please help me stay calm and focused. I don't want to allow satan to get in through frustration or anger. I'm worried about money. Please take those worries from me. I gladly, desperately give them to you. Father, I am so very thankful and grateful for all the blessings that you have continued to give me, knowing that I don't deserve them. The gift of life, of love, of happiness and often I neglect each little blessing. Father, thank you. Thank you for entrusting me with all that You have. In your most precious, Heavenly name, amen."

And the test begins...

In my heart I can hear God asking me "How much do you love me? How much do you care? How much....?" My answer to Him will always be...I love you more, I love you this much, I can for You! It's hard. Father, it's very hard during these moments. Selfishly all I want is for my strong, willing husband to stand up and be encouraging and most importantly there. So many days were spent crying before because all of those childhood fears wouldn't allow me enough time to clear my head, take control over my emotions, and look at the facts. The facts are that my husband wants to be everything for me but he truly doesn't know how. My husband loves me more than anything but he's unsure how to love himself and God fully. My husband is lost in a world that is dark and scary for him and he's doing everything he can to survive in it. He's found ways to survive but they're unhealthy. He's scared to try new ways that may not work. He's lost and I don't know how to reach him. It's hard in moments like these because it's easy for me to be everything I'm naturally drawn to do. Cry. Get emotional and depressed. Make it all about me that he doesn't love me and he doesn't care for me. I know that those are fears that satan is diligently trying to use against me. If I fall too much he'll grab me and not let go. I can't allow myself to fall for his tricks like I already have. I've realized that because of these facts my own expectations and wishes of this wonderful marriage and all that it can be is on the line. Have I made things worse for him or better? Have I pushed him to cower in his shell or to stand a fight? Perhaps I've done both. I know that now my best role is to stay as close to him spiritually as I can but to stay far enough away so that I too do not get sucked into the hole. I need to touch him and encourage his senses with love and kindness and faith. I need to be so much stronger because God is calling me to be. It's easy to selfishly want to say "he doesn't do it for me" and I've used that in my time or two, but it's much bigger than that imature notion. My husband needs me to be the best version of myself so that I can be the vessel through which God reaches him. I need to be in the shadows of his mind distracting the devil from his whip on my husband. It's my courage and my faith, my strength and my will that is being questioned by God. Will I rise? Or will I fall? It's not easy to do the work but it's easy to come to the answer. If I love my husband and I love my God than I will walk through fire, swim every ocean, climb every mountain to find a way back to him and when my husband is tired and weary from walking and running I will be his strength and courage. I will be his feet and as long as I am able I will carry his weight, almost three times as much as me. Why? Because my God carried it for me and my God forgave me for all of my own sins and if I love them both...I will do it willingly, with no hesitation because love conquors all. I know that I will not carry the weight on his shoulders because that is not mine to carry, but I will try to the best of my human abilities because my husband needs me to be and everything in my life that has happened has brought me, has molded me, has made me as strong today as I have to be to put myself aside, to put my marriage aside as hard and depressing as it can be. But I have to temporarily so that he can focus on himself, his faith, his self-esteem, his decisions, his life. Because truly we are fine, our marriage is wonderful but it's the us as individuals who need the work. May I take this opportunity to allow myself to continue to grow, but not put my life on hold or the expectations that I have for myself but may I find a way to grow without leaving him behind. I cannot give up on myself or the work I must do to feel whole as well. There's still alot to be done with me and I pray that God will help me keep my focus on the bigger picture and nothing else.

Unexpected

"Father, where do we go from here?"

TLC

Just a little bit of tender, love, and care for the soul tonight. Tonight I just wanted to spend a little time with me, with my mind, with my thoughts and feelings. When I started this blog deep down it was with the intention of having people read it, especially my husband. I wanted him to really see and understand how I work, how I think, etc. I want that sort of connection with him that I think I share for him. Maybe in his own way he does. Tonight I found myself minutes from writing him yet another e-mail explaining exactly how I felt and again I had that expectation that this time would be different and that some how this e-mail would hold magic and fairy dust so that when he clicked open he would instantly be able to think and interpret differently; at least the way that I wanted him to. I'm glad that my Father stopped me because it was another emotional plea made in desperation for love and understanding from my husband. I know that he loves me but he's not quite to the point of understanding me or even himself yet. I know how frustrating it is for me and I can only imagine how frustrating and discouraging it must be for him. While it's understandable and relatable, it's not an excuse and he does have all the tools necessary to help himself and me. So my question for God lately has been why hasn't he chosen to use them? Is it because I'm not encouraging him enough or is it because he's not hearing the encouragement but rather everything negative. I pray and pray for his self-esteem and yet it seems like nothing happens, that we get nowhere. It's very easy for me to think when I get down and lose my hope that there will never be a moment of change again, that there will never be that confidence he once had. I'm afraid that being around him enables his ways and that often perhaps if I found a way to still be married to him, fullfilling my duty and vows to my husband and Christ, but at the same time been away from him long enough for him to start being more self-sufficient...if only it were that easy. I pray to God to help me understand how to handle the situation and I feel so defeated, alone, and frustrated most of the time because it feels like we just go around and around on that circle again. I know that God is capable of changing his heart but could his heart be too stubborn for God's work? What's frustrating to me the most is that he doesn't understand that his attitude and personality flaws are damaging this relationship, as mine are when I allow them to as well. It's not just a game where we argue and I give in. How can I make it apparent that I mean business and that I do want to be around him but if he refuses to fix those damaging ways than it's no longer healthy for me to be around him. Perhaps if I say, "remember when I used to throw things and hit? What if I still did those things when I get upset at you but you've changed a lot of things about you and you just can't tolerate it anymore but yet you've promised you wouldn't leave. What would you do? How would you respond?" I would like to think that a simple explanation or analogy would help example my cause, but it wouldn't. I know that the best thing I can do is pray about it. I can continue focusing on my life, disregarding my own fears, and being that bigger person for the both of us. At times I have not enough energy to keep myself positive let alone him. I wish one day he would just understand how hurtful his pessimism and rain cloud mindset affects the people around him. "Father, tonight I beg you to hear my heart's sobs! I sob for my husband's heart to be full! To be free! To be healed and confident! I pray for miracles even if I'm out of place!" ...it will simply just be one rock at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time....

Prayer

"Father I'm coming to you this morning with a concerned heart. I'm concerned that Steve is just coasting by. I'm not sure how to respond to him, how to encourage him, how to uplift him. It feels like everything I say, every tired emotion I feel goes into making him feel even worse. I ask so much for your help. I ask for your help for him, to take him under your wing and hold him accountable. I ask for you to help me find words, patience, and most importantly an outlet for my emotions. So much of being his partner is tiring and I find myself depressed with being with him a lot of the times just simply because I feel so helpless around him. Nothing I say ever makes a difference and right or wrong I want to quit most of the time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't or aren't being a good enough helpmate. Or am I? I have no clue what I'm doing and I need your help. Father, give him what he needs but allow him the attitude to see it. He was changing his faith, answering questions before and perhaps moving from his family wouldn't be a bad thing because it would force him to stand alone, without someone as a buffer, someone to be that crutch for him. Father, help him find his bottom so he'll finally climb back up on his own. I ask, I beg for your help in ways I can't even find words to ask for. Search my own heart to fill the holes and cracks so that I may be strong for him. Father, tack his heart, the walls he's built. In your most precious, heavenly, able name I pray, amen."

"Go" Diet 3-20-2011

Lunch (1:30 pm)

Chicken Salad Lettuce Wraps w/purple grapes

(using low-fat plain yogurt instead of mayo)

Snack (3:30 pm)

Fresh Gala Apple & 3 Pitted Prunes

I did actually learn alot from this morning's L.E.A.N. class, but I think one of the most important lessons that I learned was this...for every minute I spend watching television and sitting down doing nothing, I should then exercise for the same amount of time. I think that's a really good thought because I spend a lot of time watching television online and most of the shows are anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes long so that means that either I need to be cleaning or doing exercises while I'm watching the show, or when I'm done, I need to go for a walk/jog. I like that idea or thought to think about because it really puts it into perspective how much time is being spent just doing nothing and it will allow me to maintain a healthy schedule for both relaxing and exercising.

no direction...

I've lost my place today and I can feel the pressure of not being able to move pretty soon. Paralyzed from the money situation.

"Father, lead me to the place where I need to be. Work. School. Hobby."

frustrated.

"Father, today I feel so grouchy. I feel so irritated and I'm not quite sure what it's from or why it's happening now. All I know is that I know that I'm sort've doing what I always do during times like this and that's pulling away. I don't want to, but it always seems to happen. So right now, today, this moment I'm going to push back and I wanna fight gravity. I know that's where I need to be, right beside you and for that little bit of time yesterday I know that I wasn't. I'm sorry for that. What I did was stupid and we both know it didn't benefit anyone, not even the seemingly relaxed moment. I know that I asked for forgiveness from You but I want to ask again. I don't deserve a Father like You. I know Your love is endless for me and I'm glad for moments of weakness because they're becoming few and far between but when they happen now it's just a simple 'why the heck did you do that? you knew it was dumb to do'. I'm sorry.

Father, it's hard to explain but you know how it ususally takes few days to set in when someone I love goes missing or isn't in the picture anymore. That's how I'm starting to feel right now. It's like there's this cosmic pull in a completely different direction where something has shifted its regularity. I know it's because of Kim's absence and I'm thankful but also sad. I'm thankful for this situation and these feelings because it tells me just how much she means to me, and how much of a part she plays in my own spiritual life, but I'm sad because she's still missing. I know it's temporary and everything will be planned by You and that I can trust she won't leave You forever.

Father, my prayer today is to ask for what I need and not what I want but I'm not sure what that is. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say or how I'm supposed to act or react. I know that my mild anger and frustration and worry isn't what needs to happen so I know that is something I can ask for. Father, please take it from my hands. I gladly give this worry to you and the frustration of things I cannot control. I'm frustrated because I feel like the church we are in is endless disappointment to those who actually try to make baby steps to make that happen and I feel like everyone has the same notion that if you're young you can't possible have a part in God's wisdom and knowledge like the elders do. Why can't they realize that what they're doing is actually allowing the eager bodies like me to feel discouraged because we can't shine. I'm frustrated because there are other people who take control and over power us and I do not like that at all.

Father, I just ask that You search my heart this morning, fill the cracks in my day so that I may come back and have a good day regardless. I pray all this in Your wonderful, magnificent name, amen."

"Soar on wings like eagles." -Isaiah 40:31

Have you ever stood at the top of a large rock and felt how big you were? How you climbed to the highest limb you could possibly reach? The sun's on your face and suddenly you feel like you're closer to it than if you were merely standing on solid ground. You spread your arms like wings and caress the wind as it floats past you; the light breeze becomes a cooling breathe of fresh air as you close your eyes. Breath in. Out.

There's a moment, a split second where I always imagine myself flying away. Perhaps that's why I love wings so much because in that moment I am a bird, free to fly anywhere I want, without worry of failed flight or attachment to anything. When I think about my faith I think it's just like that moment. Where you open your arms and let the wind power past your body as if you become part of it and the only thing holding you from whisping away is the confrontation of your feet touching the ground.

It's where you close your eyes and breath in and out; on the exhale feeling every threat leaving your body and into God's hands. In that moment it's a connection between my Father and I but He's not asking me to let go, I gladly do it on my own.

I know that when I am in a tough situation I can always count on this visualization to help me get through and often I find myself closing my eyes and breathing anyway. My faith is fearless because I know that at the top of that jagged rock or the tallest of trees...if my Father said "Now jump", I wouldn't hesitate.

Instead, I would soar.

Classic Case of Confidence

"Just as under-confidence comes with its list of symptoms, the same is true of confidence. A confident person feels safe. She believes [they are] loved, valuable, cared for, and safe in God's will for [them]. When we feel safe and secure, it's easy to step out and try new things. During the intial construction on the Golden Gate Bridge, no safety devices were used and twenty-three men fell to their deaths. For the final part of the project, however, a large net was used as a safety precaution. At least then men fell into it and were saved from certain death. Even more interesting, however, is the fact that 25% more work was accomplished after the net was installed. Why? Because the men had the assurance of their safety, and they were free to wholeheartedly serve the project.

When people feel safe, they are free to take a chance on failing in order to try to succeed. When we know we are loved for ourselves and not just our accomplishments or performance. we no longer need to fear failure. We realize that failing at something does not make us a failure at everything. We are free to explore and find out what we are best suited for. We are free to find our own niche in life, which is not possible without stepping out and finding out. Trial and error is the road to success, and you can't drive that road as long as your car is parked. So get moving, and God will direct you. When people are confident, they try things, and they keep trying until they find a way to be a successful in what God has called them to do.

Sure, life can sometimes make us feel like we're in over our heads, but the reality is that, without God, we're always in over our heads.

For example, a little three-year-old girl felt secure in her father's arms as Dad stood in the middle of a swimming pool. But Dad, for fun, began walking slowly toward the deep end, gently chanting "Deeper and deeper and deeper," as the water rose higher and higher on the child. The girl's face registered increasing degress of panic, as she held all the more tightly to her father, who, of course, easily touched the bottom. Had the little girl been able to analyze her situation, she'd have realized there was no reason for her increasing fear. The water's depth in ANY part of the pool was over her head. For her, safety anywhere in that pool depended on Dad.

At various points in our lives, all of us feel we're getting "out of our depth" or "in over our heads". There are problems all around: A job is lost, someone dies, there is strife in the family, or a bad report comes from the doctor. When these things happen, our temptation is to panic, because we feel we've lost control. But think about it-just like the child in the pool, the truth is we've never been in control when it comes to life's most crucial elements. We've always been held up by the grace of God, our Father, and that won't change. God is never out of His depth, and therefore we're as safe when we're in life's "deep end" as we were in the kiddie pool."