TLC

Just a little bit of tender, love, and care for the soul tonight. Tonight I just wanted to spend a little time with me, with my mind, with my thoughts and feelings. When I started this blog deep down it was with the intention of having people read it, especially my husband. I wanted him to really see and understand how I work, how I think, etc. I want that sort of connection with him that I think I share for him. Maybe in his own way he does. Tonight I found myself minutes from writing him yet another e-mail explaining exactly how I felt and again I had that expectation that this time would be different and that some how this e-mail would hold magic and fairy dust so that when he clicked open he would instantly be able to think and interpret differently; at least the way that I wanted him to. I'm glad that my Father stopped me because it was another emotional plea made in desperation for love and understanding from my husband. I know that he loves me but he's not quite to the point of understanding me or even himself yet. I know how frustrating it is for me and I can only imagine how frustrating and discouraging it must be for him. While it's understandable and relatable, it's not an excuse and he does have all the tools necessary to help himself and me. So my question for God lately has been why hasn't he chosen to use them? Is it because I'm not encouraging him enough or is it because he's not hearing the encouragement but rather everything negative. I pray and pray for his self-esteem and yet it seems like nothing happens, that we get nowhere. It's very easy for me to think when I get down and lose my hope that there will never be a moment of change again, that there will never be that confidence he once had. I'm afraid that being around him enables his ways and that often perhaps if I found a way to still be married to him, fullfilling my duty and vows to my husband and Christ, but at the same time been away from him long enough for him to start being more self-sufficient...if only it were that easy. I pray to God to help me understand how to handle the situation and I feel so defeated, alone, and frustrated most of the time because it feels like we just go around and around on that circle again. I know that God is capable of changing his heart but could his heart be too stubborn for God's work? What's frustrating to me the most is that he doesn't understand that his attitude and personality flaws are damaging this relationship, as mine are when I allow them to as well. It's not just a game where we argue and I give in. How can I make it apparent that I mean business and that I do want to be around him but if he refuses to fix those damaging ways than it's no longer healthy for me to be around him. Perhaps if I say, "remember when I used to throw things and hit? What if I still did those things when I get upset at you but you've changed a lot of things about you and you just can't tolerate it anymore but yet you've promised you wouldn't leave. What would you do? How would you respond?" I would like to think that a simple explanation or analogy would help example my cause, but it wouldn't. I know that the best thing I can do is pray about it. I can continue focusing on my life, disregarding my own fears, and being that bigger person for the both of us. At times I have not enough energy to keep myself positive let alone him. I wish one day he would just understand how hurtful his pessimism and rain cloud mindset affects the people around him. "Father, tonight I beg you to hear my heart's sobs! I sob for my husband's heart to be full! To be free! To be healed and confident! I pray for miracles even if I'm out of place!" ...it will simply just be one rock at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time....