I have to admit that today I'm a little sad. I'm not completely sure why though. Ever feel like your emotions are something that is so completely different from your brain? Like somehow they're a virus that you take a whiff of and then sneeze it out after it tickles your nose. It took me a long time to realize how to even get rid of unwanted, or damaging feelings, but I'd be lying if I said it's still a constant battle not to live inside of them rather than they inside of you.
Haha, when I think about that very fact I get this image in my mind of a person jumping into a tiny cup, circus style where they jump from a large platform into a horrifically small cup and somehow they fit perfectly. So, thinking about that makes me laugh because it's impossible to do, so it helps gain perspective that's what I'm trying to do when I'm feeling down or depressed.
Perhaps maybe it's the sunshine that has left the skies today, but then again I knew it would be rainy this weekend. Perhaps it's because I told Steve that we wouldn't be living together and I don't want him to be mad at me, or ignore me, or pull away from me. The hardest part is knowing and responding to his reactions, justly. I know that when I moved out and into this apartment it was really hard for him and it was extremely hard for me to muster up the guts to go through with it but I'm glad that I did because I don't know if we'd still be together had I not done that. I didn't understand why he didn't choose me and it was really hard to understand his actions, or his feelings and perhaps you could say that I'm also a little sad because I know that we are so very similar and that I need to work on my actions and reactions as well.
I want to be as patient and kind as I was that day we sat together in church for the first time after three or four months of barely recognizing that either one of us existed. I know that God has helped me find patience but I know that I need to learn more and I know that it's going to take so much more from me. A part of me is ready and willing, but there is always another part of me that really doesn't know if I'm capable of doing anything more until I'm sitting there looking back and realizing how proud I should've been of the work He was doing inside of me and how much I had gained.
Maybe I'm a little sad because I was really looking forward to living with my husband again and I know he'll be really hurt and upset by that and I'll have to stand by my decision recognizing if it's right or wrong when it comes and not taking into consideration what anyone else says. I know that I have to be confident that I made the decision but not conceited or controlling or too prideful to admit that I was wrong. I have to make these decisions in order to grow and I really feel like we aren't ready to live together and to be quite honest I knew that inside the only positive was that I we would save money. That shouldn't be the positive that I look for. It should be I love him and I've missed him so much that now we get to wake up together again, and come home and see each other there. So, I know that I'm not ready yet as crappy and as frustrating as that is.
As I'm typing I'm not feeling as frustrated about my decision or as sad as before. I'm happy for all the wonderful opportunities happening around me but I would also be lying if I said I wasn't sure what God wanted me to do. I know that there would be some great opportunities if Kim and I moved to Columbia and it would really force me to change, or it might force me into depression much like an animal when their owner goes off to work.
Which reminds me of Laura-kitty. I worry about her but at the same time I know that God directed her to me, but I'm not certain she'll be outside, or is outside and I feel so horrible allowing her to stay outside. This past week I haven't looked for her and it makes me feel like I'm just letting her suffer and selfishly continuing on with my life. I don't want to use God as an excuse and say "I'm just trusting God", which yes, I am, or trying to. But at the same time I know that I could do more and I'm not. Why? I wish I could just go right into those woods and search around. At least that would make me feel a heck of a lot better and not that she's just bundled up under some bush somewhere freezing from the wind and rain that's coming our way, or sweating to death from the 83% humidity we've been having lately.
I keep telling myself to just stay close to God and keep going. I feel like I've slipped just a little bit here in this past week or so, which makes me question my decisions although I know I've kept Him close to my heart and consulted Him.
All I can do is take my own advice and trust that God is leading me and that He will show me where I am wrong. I have faith that He will humble me as He has before. My only prayer today is for my husband and my Laura-kitty. I pray that they are safe and as I let go and let God I pray that they know just how much I love them and how much I wish they were always in my life. I pray for Laura-kitty to find a home where she can be loved as much as I've loved her, and more. I pray that Steve can find his faith, strong, but not forget how much I love him and want to be with him forever.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to have a place where I can come and just let it out.
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