frustrated.

"Father, today I feel so grouchy. I feel so irritated and I'm not quite sure what it's from or why it's happening now. All I know is that I know that I'm sort've doing what I always do during times like this and that's pulling away. I don't want to, but it always seems to happen. So right now, today, this moment I'm going to push back and I wanna fight gravity. I know that's where I need to be, right beside you and for that little bit of time yesterday I know that I wasn't. I'm sorry for that. What I did was stupid and we both know it didn't benefit anyone, not even the seemingly relaxed moment. I know that I asked for forgiveness from You but I want to ask again. I don't deserve a Father like You. I know Your love is endless for me and I'm glad for moments of weakness because they're becoming few and far between but when they happen now it's just a simple 'why the heck did you do that? you knew it was dumb to do'. I'm sorry.

Father, it's hard to explain but you know how it ususally takes few days to set in when someone I love goes missing or isn't in the picture anymore. That's how I'm starting to feel right now. It's like there's this cosmic pull in a completely different direction where something has shifted its regularity. I know it's because of Kim's absence and I'm thankful but also sad. I'm thankful for this situation and these feelings because it tells me just how much she means to me, and how much of a part she plays in my own spiritual life, but I'm sad because she's still missing. I know it's temporary and everything will be planned by You and that I can trust she won't leave You forever.

Father, my prayer today is to ask for what I need and not what I want but I'm not sure what that is. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say or how I'm supposed to act or react. I know that my mild anger and frustration and worry isn't what needs to happen so I know that is something I can ask for. Father, please take it from my hands. I gladly give this worry to you and the frustration of things I cannot control. I'm frustrated because I feel like the church we are in is endless disappointment to those who actually try to make baby steps to make that happen and I feel like everyone has the same notion that if you're young you can't possible have a part in God's wisdom and knowledge like the elders do. Why can't they realize that what they're doing is actually allowing the eager bodies like me to feel discouraged because we can't shine. I'm frustrated because there are other people who take control and over power us and I do not like that at all.

Father, I just ask that You search my heart this morning, fill the cracks in my day so that I may come back and have a good day regardless. I pray all this in Your wonderful, magnificent name, amen."