And the test begins...

In my heart I can hear God asking me "How much do you love me? How much do you care? How much....?" My answer to Him will always be...I love you more, I love you this much, I can for You! It's hard. Father, it's very hard during these moments. Selfishly all I want is for my strong, willing husband to stand up and be encouraging and most importantly there. So many days were spent crying before because all of those childhood fears wouldn't allow me enough time to clear my head, take control over my emotions, and look at the facts. The facts are that my husband wants to be everything for me but he truly doesn't know how. My husband loves me more than anything but he's unsure how to love himself and God fully. My husband is lost in a world that is dark and scary for him and he's doing everything he can to survive in it. He's found ways to survive but they're unhealthy. He's scared to try new ways that may not work. He's lost and I don't know how to reach him. It's hard in moments like these because it's easy for me to be everything I'm naturally drawn to do. Cry. Get emotional and depressed. Make it all about me that he doesn't love me and he doesn't care for me. I know that those are fears that satan is diligently trying to use against me. If I fall too much he'll grab me and not let go. I can't allow myself to fall for his tricks like I already have. I've realized that because of these facts my own expectations and wishes of this wonderful marriage and all that it can be is on the line. Have I made things worse for him or better? Have I pushed him to cower in his shell or to stand a fight? Perhaps I've done both. I know that now my best role is to stay as close to him spiritually as I can but to stay far enough away so that I too do not get sucked into the hole. I need to touch him and encourage his senses with love and kindness and faith. I need to be so much stronger because God is calling me to be. It's easy to selfishly want to say "he doesn't do it for me" and I've used that in my time or two, but it's much bigger than that imature notion. My husband needs me to be the best version of myself so that I can be the vessel through which God reaches him. I need to be in the shadows of his mind distracting the devil from his whip on my husband. It's my courage and my faith, my strength and my will that is being questioned by God. Will I rise? Or will I fall? It's not easy to do the work but it's easy to come to the answer. If I love my husband and I love my God than I will walk through fire, swim every ocean, climb every mountain to find a way back to him and when my husband is tired and weary from walking and running I will be his strength and courage. I will be his feet and as long as I am able I will carry his weight, almost three times as much as me. Why? Because my God carried it for me and my God forgave me for all of my own sins and if I love them both...I will do it willingly, with no hesitation because love conquors all. I know that I will not carry the weight on his shoulders because that is not mine to carry, but I will try to the best of my human abilities because my husband needs me to be and everything in my life that has happened has brought me, has molded me, has made me as strong today as I have to be to put myself aside, to put my marriage aside as hard and depressing as it can be. But I have to temporarily so that he can focus on himself, his faith, his self-esteem, his decisions, his life. Because truly we are fine, our marriage is wonderful but it's the us as individuals who need the work. May I take this opportunity to allow myself to continue to grow, but not put my life on hold or the expectations that I have for myself but may I find a way to grow without leaving him behind. I cannot give up on myself or the work I must do to feel whole as well. There's still alot to be done with me and I pray that God will help me keep my focus on the bigger picture and nothing else.