Frustrating!

So much for not going backwards huh? I'm so tired of doing so well and getting into a groove and then being knocked down and going backwards about five feet. It's so frustrating, especially because mentally I'm trying so hard to handle everything. Maybe I'm not as strong as I think I am. I just want to do something different, to just do it! To be there already and to stop having things happen that make me want to quit. Can't I just have enough time to find a rythm and it becomes a habit before I'm challenged? So frustrating!

April 6th

I'm so desperate today for change. I don't want to be afraid anymore, or controlled, or allow my emotions to get out of control. I am better than what I was and because of that I can walk away from things that need to be walked away from. I can't allow myself to be sucked in anymore, no matter who it is. Because it's like the song goes..."if that's what love is, it costs too much". This morning I just want to pray. "Oh Heavenly Father. Father of everything, every creature, every creation in this life. You are truly amazing to all of us and most of us, including me, take that forgranted more so than not. All I ask of You today is to search my heart, search my soul and apply the lessons to my life that will make me as strong as You need me to be. I pray this special prayer in Your holy name, amen."

Afternoon prayer

"Father, please help me stay calm and focused. I don't want to allow satan to get in through frustration or anger. I'm worried about money. Please take those worries from me. I gladly, desperately give them to you. Father, I am so very thankful and grateful for all the blessings that you have continued to give me, knowing that I don't deserve them. The gift of life, of love, of happiness and often I neglect each little blessing. Father, thank you. Thank you for entrusting me with all that You have. In your most precious, Heavenly name, amen."

And the test begins...

In my heart I can hear God asking me "How much do you love me? How much do you care? How much....?" My answer to Him will always be...I love you more, I love you this much, I can for You! It's hard. Father, it's very hard during these moments. Selfishly all I want is for my strong, willing husband to stand up and be encouraging and most importantly there. So many days were spent crying before because all of those childhood fears wouldn't allow me enough time to clear my head, take control over my emotions, and look at the facts. The facts are that my husband wants to be everything for me but he truly doesn't know how. My husband loves me more than anything but he's unsure how to love himself and God fully. My husband is lost in a world that is dark and scary for him and he's doing everything he can to survive in it. He's found ways to survive but they're unhealthy. He's scared to try new ways that may not work. He's lost and I don't know how to reach him. It's hard in moments like these because it's easy for me to be everything I'm naturally drawn to do. Cry. Get emotional and depressed. Make it all about me that he doesn't love me and he doesn't care for me. I know that those are fears that satan is diligently trying to use against me. If I fall too much he'll grab me and not let go. I can't allow myself to fall for his tricks like I already have. I've realized that because of these facts my own expectations and wishes of this wonderful marriage and all that it can be is on the line. Have I made things worse for him or better? Have I pushed him to cower in his shell or to stand a fight? Perhaps I've done both. I know that now my best role is to stay as close to him spiritually as I can but to stay far enough away so that I too do not get sucked into the hole. I need to touch him and encourage his senses with love and kindness and faith. I need to be so much stronger because God is calling me to be. It's easy to selfishly want to say "he doesn't do it for me" and I've used that in my time or two, but it's much bigger than that imature notion. My husband needs me to be the best version of myself so that I can be the vessel through which God reaches him. I need to be in the shadows of his mind distracting the devil from his whip on my husband. It's my courage and my faith, my strength and my will that is being questioned by God. Will I rise? Or will I fall? It's not easy to do the work but it's easy to come to the answer. If I love my husband and I love my God than I will walk through fire, swim every ocean, climb every mountain to find a way back to him and when my husband is tired and weary from walking and running I will be his strength and courage. I will be his feet and as long as I am able I will carry his weight, almost three times as much as me. Why? Because my God carried it for me and my God forgave me for all of my own sins and if I love them both...I will do it willingly, with no hesitation because love conquors all. I know that I will not carry the weight on his shoulders because that is not mine to carry, but I will try to the best of my human abilities because my husband needs me to be and everything in my life that has happened has brought me, has molded me, has made me as strong today as I have to be to put myself aside, to put my marriage aside as hard and depressing as it can be. But I have to temporarily so that he can focus on himself, his faith, his self-esteem, his decisions, his life. Because truly we are fine, our marriage is wonderful but it's the us as individuals who need the work. May I take this opportunity to allow myself to continue to grow, but not put my life on hold or the expectations that I have for myself but may I find a way to grow without leaving him behind. I cannot give up on myself or the work I must do to feel whole as well. There's still alot to be done with me and I pray that God will help me keep my focus on the bigger picture and nothing else.

Unexpected

"Father, where do we go from here?"

TLC

Just a little bit of tender, love, and care for the soul tonight. Tonight I just wanted to spend a little time with me, with my mind, with my thoughts and feelings. When I started this blog deep down it was with the intention of having people read it, especially my husband. I wanted him to really see and understand how I work, how I think, etc. I want that sort of connection with him that I think I share for him. Maybe in his own way he does. Tonight I found myself minutes from writing him yet another e-mail explaining exactly how I felt and again I had that expectation that this time would be different and that some how this e-mail would hold magic and fairy dust so that when he clicked open he would instantly be able to think and interpret differently; at least the way that I wanted him to. I'm glad that my Father stopped me because it was another emotional plea made in desperation for love and understanding from my husband. I know that he loves me but he's not quite to the point of understanding me or even himself yet. I know how frustrating it is for me and I can only imagine how frustrating and discouraging it must be for him. While it's understandable and relatable, it's not an excuse and he does have all the tools necessary to help himself and me. So my question for God lately has been why hasn't he chosen to use them? Is it because I'm not encouraging him enough or is it because he's not hearing the encouragement but rather everything negative. I pray and pray for his self-esteem and yet it seems like nothing happens, that we get nowhere. It's very easy for me to think when I get down and lose my hope that there will never be a moment of change again, that there will never be that confidence he once had. I'm afraid that being around him enables his ways and that often perhaps if I found a way to still be married to him, fullfilling my duty and vows to my husband and Christ, but at the same time been away from him long enough for him to start being more self-sufficient...if only it were that easy. I pray to God to help me understand how to handle the situation and I feel so defeated, alone, and frustrated most of the time because it feels like we just go around and around on that circle again. I know that God is capable of changing his heart but could his heart be too stubborn for God's work? What's frustrating to me the most is that he doesn't understand that his attitude and personality flaws are damaging this relationship, as mine are when I allow them to as well. It's not just a game where we argue and I give in. How can I make it apparent that I mean business and that I do want to be around him but if he refuses to fix those damaging ways than it's no longer healthy for me to be around him. Perhaps if I say, "remember when I used to throw things and hit? What if I still did those things when I get upset at you but you've changed a lot of things about you and you just can't tolerate it anymore but yet you've promised you wouldn't leave. What would you do? How would you respond?" I would like to think that a simple explanation or analogy would help example my cause, but it wouldn't. I know that the best thing I can do is pray about it. I can continue focusing on my life, disregarding my own fears, and being that bigger person for the both of us. At times I have not enough energy to keep myself positive let alone him. I wish one day he would just understand how hurtful his pessimism and rain cloud mindset affects the people around him. "Father, tonight I beg you to hear my heart's sobs! I sob for my husband's heart to be full! To be free! To be healed and confident! I pray for miracles even if I'm out of place!" ...it will simply just be one rock at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time....

Prayer

"Father I'm coming to you this morning with a concerned heart. I'm concerned that Steve is just coasting by. I'm not sure how to respond to him, how to encourage him, how to uplift him. It feels like everything I say, every tired emotion I feel goes into making him feel even worse. I ask so much for your help. I ask for your help for him, to take him under your wing and hold him accountable. I ask for you to help me find words, patience, and most importantly an outlet for my emotions. So much of being his partner is tiring and I find myself depressed with being with him a lot of the times just simply because I feel so helpless around him. Nothing I say ever makes a difference and right or wrong I want to quit most of the time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't or aren't being a good enough helpmate. Or am I? I have no clue what I'm doing and I need your help. Father, give him what he needs but allow him the attitude to see it. He was changing his faith, answering questions before and perhaps moving from his family wouldn't be a bad thing because it would force him to stand alone, without someone as a buffer, someone to be that crutch for him. Father, help him find his bottom so he'll finally climb back up on his own. I ask, I beg for your help in ways I can't even find words to ask for. Search my own heart to fill the holes and cracks so that I may be strong for him. Father, tack his heart, the walls he's built. In your most precious, heavenly, able name I pray, amen."