What I want to say would most likely be taken the wrong way and perhaps if I didn't choose my words wisely I would understand how they could harm the one person I love more than anyone else on this Earth.
What I want to say is this...
I'm tired.
I miss you.
I miss who you were then; when you gave everything for Him.
I'm exhausted by your negativity and pessimism that you find so funny.
You think it's humorous and not taken lightly when you make jokes, when you wreak of disdain, or frustration because you don't want to burden anyone by your true feelings, but you burden me.
You are a burden I choose to bare every day. What a horrible realization to say, but truth it is.
Sometimes, like today, I am reminded that I was chosen for you, and in that I find pride followed by fear. Pride because I'm happy that God chose me to be your wife, but also fear because of one day letting you get to me, to wear me down again.
Some times I struggle with shameful feelings for you. Shame not because of what you are, or your profession, but shame because you have such an ability that God is trying to use and you refuse to live life His way, completely, wholey for Him. I am ashamed when you bring people to believe that church or it's people are everything less than perfect in God's eyes.
You scream for fairness in the church and for your individualism to be recognized and welcomed, when outside of the church no one could tell you have God written in your heart. Why should they conform to your ways, if you refuse to respect His?
I love you so much that I choose to say nothing and sometimes I hate myself for not saying enough because I too have a job. My job is to be your help mate, to raise you to God so that you can lead for Him. Your lack of leadership...does that mean I'm not doing my job correctly?
I need you. I don't need you to hold my hand when it's tough, or to cry when you're scared. I need you to want God in every avenue of your life and mine, to always be searching for His will and His ways, to preciously, cautiously living your life by His guidelines. I need you to lead us.
What I want to say to you is grow up, pay attention, and hold yourself accountable. Sometimes I hate myself for marrying you because I know it only enables your thoughts of never having to try.
Today's sermon was a great reminder that we love each other only as much as we love ourselves and it should be the same for God. Sometimes when I'm weak and so angry that I am with you, the type of person you choose to be and having to accept that, knowing you are more deep down...I have to ask myself that question.
"How much do I love God? How much do I love my husband?"
I want to ask you where did you go and will you ever come back? You affect our lives in more ways than you like to admit and perhaps that's why it's so important for you to keep most things seperated, disconnected.
Sometimes I hate beind around you because you suck the life out of me, the joy out of the moments that should be appreciated because they're built by Him. You don't enjoy hardly anything He has given you unless it has monetary value, in which you praise it's presence. I neglect your judgement that I am a lower being because I do not know facts about Christ and do not have over 25 years of experience within the church, but I do not lack heart or compassion or enthusiasm and drive.
I push you because I'm impatient and who you choose to be is sometimes my worst nightmare, someone who's hateful, judgemental, and prideful beyond belief. How do I begin to break through? How do I begin to breathe around you?
I don't say all of these things because I hate you; there was a time of that. I say these things because I want so badly to say "come back my dear husband, please come back". I know that I cannot say any of these things to you, nor ask you to come back because you will not understand and you will make me regret ever being bored because of the burden, stress, and frustration it brings.
I don't want to say these things because I want to hurt you, that's my last intention always. I want to because I love you and I am ashamed of you as my brother because you know you can do better, you know that God deserves better, and yet you do things on your time as if it were your life and not His. Perhaps I should belittle you because of your excessive years in church and yet show little to know respect or love for Christ or His word.
Tonight I was embarassed by your behavior and thinking. You ridicule your roommate for his individualism and decline compromise in fear of confrontation, but yet you blame him for everything. Stand up and talk to him like a man would, instead of being a coward and allowing him to continue to bother you to the point of no return. Nonetheless don't you think that God puts people in our lives for a reason? You are God's son and you are supposed to not judge but love. You are supposed to not ridicule or pick and make fun of but be an example of forgiveness and mercy. You are supposed to ask God for your needs instead of taking them for yourself. Am I to belittle you for your lack of "experience" in Christ?
What I want to say more than anything else is darling husband you are meant for so much more than this life your living for yourself. Your misery will not share my company anymore and sooner than later your negativity will have the affect we saw before if you do not quickly change your ways. Darling husband God wants you to be just that, a husband, who not only does sweet things, or knows how to handle and control fights, but one who sees the bigger picture that this life is about nothing more than Him and you are to lead me and soon your children down the path for Him as well. How long will you make Christ wait for your stubborn pride to fall?
Father, tonight I ask for so much from You. Father, I know that there simply is too much to ask for and I know that I am just a sinner like the rest; that I am no different a human than anyone else. Father, I ask forgiveness of my sins and thank you for the opportunity to grow and be humbled to better serve you. I thank you for mending my broken heart by teaching me Your lessons. I ask Father that you continue to mold me and make me the way you shall have me carry Your will so that I may be a good and whole example for others like me, in search of Your mercy and love. Father, I also take this opportunity to say thank you for allowing me the precious blessing of seeing Steve come to you with an open heart and open mind, with a willingness to fight all judgement in search of you. Father, I ask that you help him yearn for the passion he once felt in serving Your will. I ask to humble his pride for it is larger than his love for You Father. Lastly, I am sorry. I am sorry for his behavior and his manner of living and I pray that you help him see the error of his ways. Father, I also selfishly ask for my husband to not only see the damaging effect of his negative attitude hindering love for himself, for You, but also for his wife. May he, in time, fully understand and have compassion. Father, thank you for your blessings, your strength, and your courage. I thank you for the endless patience and love that you have instilled in me to be able to handle a unique man such as he. Thank you for bringing him into my life, and I into his. In all your heavenly glory I pray, amen.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
"You will not be bipolar today!"
Apparently telling myself that I'm not going to let my disorders take control over me does the trick. After writing the last post I decided to just man-up, which is something very difficult to do when you're someone like me. I called Diane and told her that before I take the position I'd like to just talk with her about some things as far as what I saw while shadowing. At first she tried to guilt me by saying she was going to "use" me today but that didn't work because you can't expect someone to work for you the day you want them to work only three hours from the time you originally called them. That's not my problem. So, I apologized for not being available, but at the same time I didn't feel guilty the way she'd hoped.
I stood up and told her that I wasn't certain if I was going to take the job and that the largest portion of why I wanted to take the time to think about it was because it's dealing with kids, not just a job for money. I have to really ask myself if I can be someone that is willing to be there for them and not the other way around. It would be my job but at the same time you have to provide stability and I wouldn't want to take the job without taking them into consideration.
So, I will most likely take the job and just remember that God believes in me and in my capabilities fully! He knows what I can and cannot do just yet and with Him I can do it all! I truly believe that if I stay close to Him, He will help me through it.
Just like He has with everything else.
I stood up and told her that I wasn't certain if I was going to take the job and that the largest portion of why I wanted to take the time to think about it was because it's dealing with kids, not just a job for money. I have to really ask myself if I can be someone that is willing to be there for them and not the other way around. It would be my job but at the same time you have to provide stability and I wouldn't want to take the job without taking them into consideration.
So, I will most likely take the job and just remember that God believes in me and in my capabilities fully! He knows what I can and cannot do just yet and with Him I can do it all! I truly believe that if I stay close to Him, He will help me through it.
Just like He has with everything else.
Decisions, decisions
Ugh! Sometimes I wish that I had Dr. Archie on-hand, whenever I needed him. Right now I'm having a hard time figuring out if I really want to work with those kids or not. It's not really a question of if I want to work with them or not, it's just a question of if God wants me to. So often I get caught up in understanding exactly what He wants me to do and I'm uncertain if it's the right thing or if I'm going to disappoint Him or not.
Honestly, I don't want to work the kids. I don't. I'd like to work with the YMCA with their summer camp program but I don't want to work with them now, even if it is temporary/substitute. What I need to do is just call Diane, bite the bullet of whether I'm going to "disappoint" Steve and everyone else with not taking the job because I need one right now and just tell her how I feel.
What I feel is that taking a job working with disregulated kids would put me at an even greater risk of over-working myself. On the other hand what if God is allowing me to have this opportunity because I need a job, I asked for money, and He knows I can handle it? What if I choose not to take it? Does that mean God will be mad at me or will that mean I'm smart because I knew it wasn't going to work out for me?
I get frustrated with myself because I do this. I make everything such a huge deal when it's really just simple. Decide. Commit. End of story. Ya know? It's just frustrating.
I could sit here and then turn it around on Diane and say well, in my interview she made such a big deal about me trying it out and figuring out if I'd like it because I had no experience, but now she doesn't even want to know if I liked it or if I think I'll be good with handling the kids. I thought that was so important?
But, in reality the truth of the matter is...I want my time by myself. I like this time. I'm afraid that I'll run myself ragged with those kids even though it's four hours a day for only two weeks and then summer camp. Maybe I'm silly for not taking it because it's just like babysitting, but I dislike babysitting.
Why can't I just make a decision for me, and go with it? Stand up for myself? Get some dang confidence and do it! It's like my stomach. I know that I should've passed on El Cerro and I know that Steve only asked me for lunch because AO wasn't home to go with him but I didn't. I was afraid that he wouldn't ask me again, would get mad, would cycle, etc. instead of looking out for myself. And now, I want to work out but I'm too lazy to do it. I'm angry with myself because if I would've just kept up with my routine and how good I felt about myself, and going for myself than I wouldn't have had to worry about where I am right now.
Maybe I should call Diane and just say that I'll take the job because I need the money but then only agree to the subsitute work and possibly summer camp but that today is a little last minute and that starting tomorrow would be good. At least then I would have time to get my mind right.
My mind.
Oh, the life of a bipolar individual married to a narcissist. Match made in heaven, we are.
Honestly, I don't want to work the kids. I don't. I'd like to work with the YMCA with their summer camp program but I don't want to work with them now, even if it is temporary/substitute. What I need to do is just call Diane, bite the bullet of whether I'm going to "disappoint" Steve and everyone else with not taking the job because I need one right now and just tell her how I feel.
What I feel is that taking a job working with disregulated kids would put me at an even greater risk of over-working myself. On the other hand what if God is allowing me to have this opportunity because I need a job, I asked for money, and He knows I can handle it? What if I choose not to take it? Does that mean God will be mad at me or will that mean I'm smart because I knew it wasn't going to work out for me?
I get frustrated with myself because I do this. I make everything such a huge deal when it's really just simple. Decide. Commit. End of story. Ya know? It's just frustrating.
I could sit here and then turn it around on Diane and say well, in my interview she made such a big deal about me trying it out and figuring out if I'd like it because I had no experience, but now she doesn't even want to know if I liked it or if I think I'll be good with handling the kids. I thought that was so important?
But, in reality the truth of the matter is...I want my time by myself. I like this time. I'm afraid that I'll run myself ragged with those kids even though it's four hours a day for only two weeks and then summer camp. Maybe I'm silly for not taking it because it's just like babysitting, but I dislike babysitting.
Why can't I just make a decision for me, and go with it? Stand up for myself? Get some dang confidence and do it! It's like my stomach. I know that I should've passed on El Cerro and I know that Steve only asked me for lunch because AO wasn't home to go with him but I didn't. I was afraid that he wouldn't ask me again, would get mad, would cycle, etc. instead of looking out for myself. And now, I want to work out but I'm too lazy to do it. I'm angry with myself because if I would've just kept up with my routine and how good I felt about myself, and going for myself than I wouldn't have had to worry about where I am right now.
Maybe I should call Diane and just say that I'll take the job because I need the money but then only agree to the subsitute work and possibly summer camp but that today is a little last minute and that starting tomorrow would be good. At least then I would have time to get my mind right.
My mind.
Oh, the life of a bipolar individual married to a narcissist. Match made in heaven, we are.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Incendiary
After making my muffin pan "fun" sized lasagnes I watched a movie called Incendiary, starring Michelle Williams. For the major part of the movie I sat trying to figure out how to say that word. Has that ever happened to you; captivated by a good book you stop at a word that you're unsure of its pronunciation, nonetheless clueless to it's meaning? Often when this happens to me I get stuck on it even chapters later, as if it stays at the entrance to my brain, waiting to be interpreted correctly.
I've come to find out that incendiary, when used as an adjective, can mean one of four scenarios, if not all. It was particularily used to describe the setting of fire to a property. When used as a noun it is related to all three definitions.
1. a person who deliberately sets fire to buildings or other property, as an arsonist.
2. military. a shell, bomb, or grenade containing napalm or thermite, or other substance that burns with instense heat.
3. a person who stirs up strife, sedition, etc.; an agitator
I have come to learn that this particular movie was released in 2008 and received mixed reviews. The synopsis reads an adulterous woman's life is torn apart when her husband and son are killed in a suicide bombing at a soccer game. I'm am certain after reading the synopsis that most would unjustly judge the content of this phenomenal movie without ever giving it another chance. This movie is about so much more than an act of desperation from a loveless marriage. It's more than the death of loved ones. I believe that this movie was created for the re-birth of not only and individual, but our nation.
After the 9/11 tragedy this nation and our American families struggled to find reason to be considered "survivors" of a horrific terrorist act. This movie captures the essence and necessity of strength through the most unbearable of times. Anyone could relate to this movie if they have lost someone who was truely their everything and had to rebuild from the bottom. Overall, this movie was one of the best movies I have seen because not only did she survive the adjective use of the word titling the movie, but she survived the internal death call caused by Osama Bin Laden, who can only be remembered as all definitions of the word incendiary.
I've come to find out that incendiary, when used as an adjective, can mean one of four scenarios, if not all. It was particularily used to describe the setting of fire to a property. When used as a noun it is related to all three definitions.
1. a person who deliberately sets fire to buildings or other property, as an arsonist.
2. military. a shell, bomb, or grenade containing napalm or thermite, or other substance that burns with instense heat.
3. a person who stirs up strife, sedition, etc.; an agitator
I have come to learn that this particular movie was released in 2008 and received mixed reviews. The synopsis reads an adulterous woman's life is torn apart when her husband and son are killed in a suicide bombing at a soccer game. I'm am certain after reading the synopsis that most would unjustly judge the content of this phenomenal movie without ever giving it another chance. This movie is about so much more than an act of desperation from a loveless marriage. It's more than the death of loved ones. I believe that this movie was created for the re-birth of not only and individual, but our nation.
After the 9/11 tragedy this nation and our American families struggled to find reason to be considered "survivors" of a horrific terrorist act. This movie captures the essence and necessity of strength through the most unbearable of times. Anyone could relate to this movie if they have lost someone who was truely their everything and had to rebuild from the bottom. Overall, this movie was one of the best movies I have seen because not only did she survive the adjective use of the word titling the movie, but she survived the internal death call caused by Osama Bin Laden, who can only be remembered as all definitions of the word incendiary.
Delicious Sundae Surprise
"Every basket is like a delicious sundae surprise", the wall would read in the most appealing font and color. Above a menu board with four columns; cone, ice cream, toppings, whipped cream & cherry.
Of course when you're making a basket you've got to start with a solid foundation, something that's going to be a substantial base that can support your delicious dessert. This could be a box, a basket, a cermaic bowl, a coffee mug. No matter the choice you're cone is just as important to think about in combination with which dessert you choose.
In this scenario the ice cream could be considered the bottom layer, before you put all of your taste-fabulous goodies on top. It's the filling underneathe the items that you choose that will also help hold your basket together. Items that could be considered ice cream could be a towel, for a spa basket, a cutting board to support the back of your kitchen themed basket, or it could be the type of paper that you choose to lower and raise your items for better display.
Next you have your toppings. Me, personally, I can't have ice cream, or rather do not enjoy ice cream by itself. I have to have toppings to really make my dessert long-lasting and satisfactory. They are what enhance the flavor of the ice cream and cone combination and without them...there truly is no point. Whether it be bath soaps, wine and cheese, or candy for a movie-themed basket you must think carefully in choosing your toppings. There has to be a purpose; a rhyme and reason for the toppings you choose because otherwise you end up with something that simply is neither appealing nor appetizing.
Last, to top off your after-dinner delight you must have your whipped cream and cherry. Even if you don't particularily like whipped cream or cherries, most order sundaes without asking for it to be taken off because they figure that someone else they're sharing with might want it. This is true in the basket creating business as well and a delicious sundae surprise just isn't the same without it.
Of course when you're making a basket you've got to start with a solid foundation, something that's going to be a substantial base that can support your delicious dessert. This could be a box, a basket, a cermaic bowl, a coffee mug. No matter the choice you're cone is just as important to think about in combination with which dessert you choose.
In this scenario the ice cream could be considered the bottom layer, before you put all of your taste-fabulous goodies on top. It's the filling underneathe the items that you choose that will also help hold your basket together. Items that could be considered ice cream could be a towel, for a spa basket, a cutting board to support the back of your kitchen themed basket, or it could be the type of paper that you choose to lower and raise your items for better display.
Next you have your toppings. Me, personally, I can't have ice cream, or rather do not enjoy ice cream by itself. I have to have toppings to really make my dessert long-lasting and satisfactory. They are what enhance the flavor of the ice cream and cone combination and without them...there truly is no point. Whether it be bath soaps, wine and cheese, or candy for a movie-themed basket you must think carefully in choosing your toppings. There has to be a purpose; a rhyme and reason for the toppings you choose because otherwise you end up with something that simply is neither appealing nor appetizing.
Last, to top off your after-dinner delight you must have your whipped cream and cherry. Even if you don't particularily like whipped cream or cherries, most order sundaes without asking for it to be taken off because they figure that someone else they're sharing with might want it. This is true in the basket creating business as well and a delicious sundae surprise just isn't the same without it.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Survival Mode
Today has been an interesting day thus far. To be quite honest this entire week has been weird.
I finished another set of paintings for a childs room so that was at least productive. I'm hoping that my photographer friend Leya will be willing to shoot some shots for my etsy.com account so that I can at least get those up soon.
What I really want to talk about right now is something that Dr. Archie mentioned. As we spent our hour talking today it begun to make complete sense of how I've personally been acting this past week.
He started to talk about when the brain goes into survival mode it starts to lose hope, lose faith, lose a motivation, and meaning of purpose because our brain is so focused on worrying about the necessities to stay alive. Eat. Drink. Sleep.
To me this makes perfect sense because...it's sort of hard to explain but I'm trying to do the best that I can. It is almost as if I have reverted back to what I know about survival. It's eating spaghetti and not driving too much to conserve gas. It's using my resources at home so that I won't have to waste gas or money on food eating out. I think that after my last paycheck at Kirklands I have begun to start thinking like this and now it's having a negative affect on me.
It's clear to me now that's why I haven't taken the opportunity to travel and distribute my business cards; because I'm trying to conserve gas. I think it makes sense why it's begun to affect my sleep, the worrying. It has begun to affect my physical health as far as motivation to exercise or eat right regularily and loss of motivation to really find inspiration or courage.
Spiritually I think that's why I've been struggling as well because I've been so consumed with faith that I've lost mine and to be so trapped indoors and set in this mode of survial has dampered the trust I carry in my Lord.
I think He wants me to still go out even if I'm not sure when I'll be able to fill the gas tank up again. I think it's okay if I eat out sometimes, or to splurge on something like the good kind of toilet paper instead of the dollar store because it means I am having that fearless faith that I've been wanting to have. I think He wants me to wake up and carry on my day like I have this purpose, somewhere to be, someplace to go, and some thing to do even though it might just be to the bank, or to call a friend, or to listen to conference calls for my business.
I think I understand now and I'm a little bit more hopeful and relieved. I know now that this is why I decided to quit my job and that it wasn't that I made a mistake, but that He was trying to show me how to have that fearless faith that is so hard to have when you're someone like me.
Now, I feel just a little bit better understanding Him and I'm truly thankful!
I finished another set of paintings for a childs room so that was at least productive. I'm hoping that my photographer friend Leya will be willing to shoot some shots for my etsy.com account so that I can at least get those up soon.
What I really want to talk about right now is something that Dr. Archie mentioned. As we spent our hour talking today it begun to make complete sense of how I've personally been acting this past week.
He started to talk about when the brain goes into survival mode it starts to lose hope, lose faith, lose a motivation, and meaning of purpose because our brain is so focused on worrying about the necessities to stay alive. Eat. Drink. Sleep.
To me this makes perfect sense because...it's sort of hard to explain but I'm trying to do the best that I can. It is almost as if I have reverted back to what I know about survival. It's eating spaghetti and not driving too much to conserve gas. It's using my resources at home so that I won't have to waste gas or money on food eating out. I think that after my last paycheck at Kirklands I have begun to start thinking like this and now it's having a negative affect on me.
It's clear to me now that's why I haven't taken the opportunity to travel and distribute my business cards; because I'm trying to conserve gas. I think it makes sense why it's begun to affect my sleep, the worrying. It has begun to affect my physical health as far as motivation to exercise or eat right regularily and loss of motivation to really find inspiration or courage.
Spiritually I think that's why I've been struggling as well because I've been so consumed with faith that I've lost mine and to be so trapped indoors and set in this mode of survial has dampered the trust I carry in my Lord.
I think He wants me to still go out even if I'm not sure when I'll be able to fill the gas tank up again. I think it's okay if I eat out sometimes, or to splurge on something like the good kind of toilet paper instead of the dollar store because it means I am having that fearless faith that I've been wanting to have. I think He wants me to wake up and carry on my day like I have this purpose, somewhere to be, someplace to go, and some thing to do even though it might just be to the bank, or to call a friend, or to listen to conference calls for my business.
I think I understand now and I'm a little bit more hopeful and relieved. I know now that this is why I decided to quit my job and that it wasn't that I made a mistake, but that He was trying to show me how to have that fearless faith that is so hard to have when you're someone like me.
Now, I feel just a little bit better understanding Him and I'm truly thankful!
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