Decisions, decisions

Ugh! Sometimes I wish that I had Dr. Archie on-hand, whenever I needed him. Right now I'm having a hard time figuring out if I really want to work with those kids or not. It's not really a question of if I want to work with them or not, it's just a question of if God wants me to. So often I get caught up in understanding exactly what He wants me to do and I'm uncertain if it's the right thing or if I'm going to disappoint Him or not.

Honestly, I don't want to work the kids. I don't. I'd like to work with the YMCA with their summer camp program but I don't want to work with them now, even if it is temporary/substitute. What I need to do is just call Diane, bite the bullet of whether I'm going to "disappoint" Steve and everyone else with not taking the job because I need one right now and just tell her how I feel.

What I feel is that taking a job working with disregulated kids would put me at an even greater risk of over-working myself. On the other hand what if God is allowing me to have this opportunity because I need a job, I asked for money, and He knows I can handle it? What if I choose not to take it? Does that mean God will be mad at me or will that mean I'm smart because I knew it wasn't going to work out for me?

I get frustrated with myself because I do this. I make everything such a huge deal when it's really just simple. Decide. Commit. End of story. Ya know? It's just frustrating.

I could sit here and then turn it around on Diane and say well, in my interview she made such a big deal about me trying it out and figuring out if I'd like it because I had no experience, but now she doesn't even want to know if I liked it or if I think I'll be good with handling the kids. I thought that was so important?

But, in reality the truth of the matter is...I want my time by myself. I like this time. I'm afraid that I'll run myself ragged with those kids even though it's four hours a day for only two weeks and then summer camp. Maybe I'm silly for not taking it because it's just like babysitting, but I dislike babysitting.

Why can't I just make a decision for me, and go with it? Stand up for myself? Get some dang confidence and do it! It's like my stomach. I know that I should've passed on El Cerro and I know that Steve only asked me for lunch because AO wasn't home to go with him but I didn't. I was afraid that he wouldn't ask me again, would get mad, would cycle, etc. instead of looking out for myself. And now, I want to work out but I'm too lazy to do it. I'm angry with myself because if I would've just kept up with my routine and how good I felt about myself, and going for myself than I wouldn't have had to worry about where I am right now.

Maybe I should call Diane and just say that I'll take the job because I need the money but then only agree to the subsitute work and possibly summer camp but that today is a little last minute and that starting tomorrow would be good. At least then I would have time to get my mind right.

My mind.

Oh, the life of a bipolar individual married to a narcissist. Match made in heaven, we are.