Survival Mode

Today has been an interesting day thus far. To be quite honest this entire week has been weird.

I finished another set of paintings for a childs room so that was at least productive. I'm hoping that my photographer friend Leya will be willing to shoot some shots for my etsy.com account so that I can at least get those up soon.

What I really want to talk about right now is something that Dr. Archie mentioned. As we spent our hour talking today it begun to make complete sense of how I've personally been acting this past week.

He started to talk about when the brain goes into survival mode it starts to lose hope, lose faith, lose a motivation, and meaning of purpose because our brain is so focused on worrying about the necessities to stay alive. Eat. Drink. Sleep.

To me this makes perfect sense because...it's sort of hard to explain but I'm trying to do the best that I can. It is almost as if I have reverted back to what I know about survival. It's eating spaghetti and not driving too much to conserve gas. It's using my resources at home so that I won't have to waste gas or money on food eating out. I think that after my last paycheck at Kirklands I have begun to start thinking like this and now it's having a negative affect on me.

It's clear to me now that's why I haven't taken the opportunity to travel and distribute my business cards; because I'm trying to conserve gas. I think it makes sense why it's begun to affect my sleep, the worrying. It has begun to affect my physical health as far as motivation to exercise or eat right regularily and loss of motivation to really find inspiration or courage.

Spiritually I think that's why I've been struggling as well because I've been so consumed with faith that I've lost mine and to be so trapped indoors and set in this mode of survial has dampered the trust I carry in my Lord.

I think He wants me to still go out even if I'm not sure when I'll be able to fill the gas tank up again. I think it's okay if I eat out sometimes, or to splurge on something like the good kind of toilet paper instead of the dollar store because it means I am having that fearless faith that I've been wanting to have. I think He wants me to wake up and carry on my day like I have this purpose, somewhere to be, someplace to go, and some thing to do even though it might just be to the bank, or to call a friend, or to listen to conference calls for my business.

I think I understand now and I'm a little bit more hopeful and relieved. I know now that this is why I decided to quit my job and that it wasn't that I made a mistake, but that He was trying to show me how to have that fearless faith that is so hard to have when you're someone like me.

Now, I feel just a little bit better understanding Him and I'm truly thankful!