running

So not too long ago we had a similar situation to the running situation that Steve and I are having now. I find myself feeling like I carry this relationship and at times I don't want to. At times, like yesterday and today I find myself saying "God, I love you. Please don't make me do this anymore." It's sad to say that I feel like the mommy, the wife, and the babysitter all wrapped up into one. I'm glad more and more each day that we don't have children so that I am not completely overwhelmed by having to do all of that in addition to dealing with my husband.

I have questions. Of course I do. Of course I want to feel free to ask anything I want without having it be some underlying issue that gets plastered all over texts to friends or conversations with judgemental family members. I want to feel free in this relationship, just like he does. How do we get there? How?

Oh yeah, the story. Well, a little while ago I started doing my laundry at Steve's apartment because they had a washer and dryer and it was cheaper for me to do it there than having to pay for our on-site laundry mat. That started to become a very controlling situation where Steve said he wanted to buy me a washer and dryer but that never happened because he realized he'd save money if I just continued to do my laundry over at his place and it would be a plus for him being able to see me. That was all too easy and centered around him because he totally neglected that he promised to buy me a washer and dryer so that it would be easier on me to do my laundry instead of making it twice as inconvenient to have to lug all my laundry down to the car and drive over to his house, when he was there because I didn't have a key. I found this to be a very controlling situation in which he felt power or that I needed him in some way, which I didn't like because it was like it took the choice away from me, robbing me of my power to decide and make choices in my life.

So now, the running situation has become the very same issue and I find myself asking God what am I supposed to do when Steve promises or says he'll do something? Am I supposed to treat him like he treats me? Like I won't trust a single word he says until he proves it otherwise? That's a very horrible lonely feeling to know that your own spouse doesn't even support you, or trust what you say is truth. I get that a lot. I'm sure I always will.

But really...how am I supposed to respond? Am I not supposed to get excited because chances are he'll not follow through with it? I signed up for the 5k walk/run for Autism in April and I'm starting to run out of time so I'm seriously doubting my ability to finish the race and this would be a great time for him to really help me understand and to make me feel like I can do anything but instead because of the way he is, the narcissm, he doesn't get it. That's the most frustrating part is not that he understands and lazily refuses to step up but rather he doesn't even realize that's what's happening in my life. It's extremely hard for him to see anyone or anything else outside of his own bubble and that's what I mean by saying I'm alone because I am.

I am technically married to a man who barely sees me, acknowledges me, or even cares for me. The signals that a woman is naturally used to are now no longer possible. I have found myself having to totally change just to be heard in this relationship and right now I'm feeling a little bit of anger for even pushing marriage in the first place, which now that I think about it he did the same thing with our engagement too.

He proposed, I met his family, we talked about marriage so much that I thought it'd be soon after, and he didn't want to even talk about a wedding date. I'm kicking myself for not just saying 'no' to moving in with him but I got caught up in a life that never existed. I'm kicking myself for not just letting him want to break up with me after moving in with him after two months of dating. Why didn't I just say, "I'm sorry. I just don't think it'd be healthy for me or you to get back together and fix this marriage. In fact, with who we are I'm not certain it will ever be fixed"?

Our marriage has become this huge thing that has to be worked on every second of the day and right now I'm just exhausted for having to carry him, to deal with him, and I find myself now losing the sexual chemistry anymore. I no longer feel the obligation or want to make him happy sexually or whatever because I know that no matter what I do, or say...I still will never be apart of that world where only he exists. I'll always and forever be on the outside of it because I'm supposed to be the one who is closest.

Last night I wondered if we were to divorce but yet still continue this relationship if that would not be better for us in the long-run. Technically, we wouldn't have broken any biblical laws of divorcing and marrying another. We would still be persuing each other and God already sees us as married, either legally or not. Perhaps without the feeling of need that these rings carry we wouldn't feel such a pressure to try so hard, because we would know that all we would be doing was dating and maybe it would somehow, psychologically trick us into feeling more dependent and less controlled by the other person. I don't know.

I do wish that Dr. Archie wasn't so unpredictable. It saddens me that our treatment started to go downhill and I dread the day when Steve blames me for being the reason it did. I know in my heart and with all of me that I did not and that Dr. Archie is human just as much as I am, capable of doing wrong as well. The difference is pride and a love for Christ. I do wish that I could go back to Dr. Archie but I know now that there is no way he'd be able to give me adequate care. There are days when I miss being able to talk to him, or feel power over my own choices, but I know that I don't need him to survive, to understand what regulation is. I pray that Steve will get the opportunity to truly understand what regulation is as well. I pray that one day Steve won't be narcissistic, but I'm not certain that will ever happen. I have to have faith in God that He will help us.

This morning's run was a little disappointing but I'm thankful it opened my eyes. I now know that pushing Steve to uphold his promises does no good to me or him. I know this morning he didn't want to be there and while I understand he was fighting his own battles I have to ask myself why I even bother doing or being around him because I want so badly for it to be different that he's not narcissistic, but wanting something badly enough doesn't make it disappear. I originally asked him to come running with me because I really needed the challenge and support and encouragement that I know he's capable of giving me. When he's selfless he truly does care and understand me, but when he's stuck in his own bubble like this morning he ends up just showing me that I'm a huge inconvenience for making him get up and come running with me. He didn't show me support or love or encouragement at all. He wants me to feel that because he actually showed up, but it's his actions throughout that make the difference, consistency. And he consistently showed his lack of motivation in encouraging me at all. This mornings run was supposed to be something fun that we do together so that we could help and encourage one another, but instead it once again ended up being where I have to get over my issues and feelings in order to help him, help me. I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted by it and all I want to do is hide from it all.

I just want someone who can truly be there for me like I've been there for him. Someone who can sacrifice any feelings they have because they understand that showing you something or doing something for you is more important than themselves or their own wants and needs. I know that I don't do this all the time but dang I just wish I didn't have to explain that all the time, or ask my husband to be a supporter. I'm so tired by this marriage and by him and I'm bitter and frustrated because I know that I love him but I don't want to feel this way because I know it's not healthy for me or him.

But what do I do? How do I think? How do I respond? How do I be the perfect person who is strong enough and confident enough to encourage him and neglect myself when he doesn't have a single interest in the same things? My only solution has been to ignore him but even in that he's totally lost and unaware that I have to take myself away from him because of how he is.

This morning wasn't an encouragement, or something built to help me. It was all about him and his feelings and what he wanted to do and how he was so stubborn that he wouldn't allow me to even try to help him, help me.

Right now, in this moment...I want out. I want away from him because I can't take it anymore. This is why I got to this point to begin with and it's not because of some monster living within me that suddenly came out. He is so disregulated from everyone and everything that he drags me down too and right now I don't want to be sucked in to the hole with him. Maybe the love I feel for him isn't enough to deal with everything else, but I know that I do not dare mention my doubts again because all that will do is allow him to throw his guards up.

So, it's because of this that I know we aren't ready to live together, or rather I am ready to live with him. I can't be trapped again. I can't.

"Father help us. Please! Help us seek and find counsel in someone's capable hands. Please!"