Today has been an okay day so far. I'm trying to 'train' myself to resort to blogging instead of just unloading all my feelings onto my husband. I find that it gets me into deeper trouble than before. So on the way to church I told myself that I just have to focus on today at hand and to try my best not to text my husband, release any frustration on to him, but yet to allow a healthy outlet for myself. I mean, that's why I started this blog to begin with and it's not like I have a huge following, if any, so what does it matter what I write about? This is for me, no one else.
Steve didn't show up to church this morning. I wasn't really that surprised given the mood he was in when we left the Grand Park at Market Commons this morning. It's supposed to be something good, not horrible, and I fear that's all that it has come down to. So, I've decided not to ask anymore for him to run with me because I know that he truly doesn't want to do it and isn't at all excited about helping me with it and I'd rather him not be so dang grouchy and make me feel worse about asking in the first place than to actually struggle with finding motivation myself.
That's why I came to the realization in the first place. As I was sitting in church this morning a thought popped into my head during a song. It wasn't one of those thoughts that segwayed from another conversation I was having in my head, but rather it literally popped right to the forefront of my brain for a split second. Well, crap....now it's gone. Just wait, I'm sure it'll come back.
I'm not really certain if I'm disappointed in Steve not showing up to church this morning. I know that it sucks because it wasn't just about him, it was about AO, his roommate. Steve told me that he's been praying for a while to get him interested in church and last week AO finally agreed to come listen to Dr. John's sermon in today's service, however, given the fact that Steve just wasn't feeling it, it meant that AO wasn't coming. In my opinion that's where it's wrong. Not to say I do not understand completely where he's personally coming from because I, myself, on several occasions just haven't been feeling going to church but I have the ability to push my own feelings aside, especially if it's someone who's interested in going to church and has already said they were going to go. Am I saying that I'm totally disappointed in Steve and that he's to blame? No. I'm saying that it's his decision what to do with his own faith, but he didn't just mess with his faith alone, he messed with AO's, a person who relied on him to show enthusiasm and excitement that he was going. I'm sure on the surface AO "understood" when Steve said he wasn't going to church this morning, but what does that really show a person who's in search of Christ? I can't say how I would've reacted or would've done differently because he and I are two very different people, with very different minds. I would hope that I would've seen the bigger picture that AO going to church was far more important than how I was feeling and that maybe, just maybe if I would've chosen to put that first instead of me, I would've found the help or relief I, myself was lacking.
I understand why he might be feeling off his game and I'm not so sure how to handle it as his partner. Do I stay close to show him that I'm there for him when he wants to talk even though I know for certain he won't reach out to me? Do I do that to show him that I'm not going to do what he does to me which is just leave me high and dry to deal with emotions on my own and not help him regulate? Here's the funniest part about our biblical marriage. I am the wife, partner, lover, but more importantly my role in this marriage is to be his helpmate, to edify him and lift him to search for God. How do you do that when the person you're trying to help, refuses the help you give?
So does that mean I'm supposed to back off of him so he can have a breather? He doesn't actually regulate that way because all he's prone to doing is just tossing the feelings under the rug and not actually working through them and trying to think of them differently. All giving him space does is allow him time to find a way to hide. How is that helping either?
Do you see the predicament I constantly live in? My home is lying right in between, constantly confused and unaware of what the right decision is, but I try anyway. I try fearlessly to trust my decisions will be Godly and what He wants of me, in addition to actually being a human myself. Is this what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life? How, other than now not looking at pornography merely because he's married, have I actually helped him succeed or look for God? A perfect example of what I mean was this morning when he was tired and frustrated with himself from not being in the shape he used to be. I can definitely relate to that frustration and anger, and how easy it is to just walk away from it instead of confronting it.
I tried to circle around him to get him motivated to run but I was terrified. I'm not sure why. I shouldn't be. If I'm going to help him I shouldn't be terrified to push harder and to be that beeotch who's making him so angry because in the end it'll help him. So does that mean I should continue to jeaopordize my time running in order to truly help him? Anyways, he was just walking in his self-pity, which again I can fully relate to, and I tried to get him to speed it up because all he was doing was defeating the running he'd already done. And after he gave me the excuse that he didn't eat before he came I just let it go, let him win. I shouldn't have. I should've confronted him and said "well, that's too bad. You had plenty of time to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich and drink water before you came. I ate an apple and a banana before I came. Stop using excuses and just do it. Speed walk!"
Maybe the true test to my willpower and strength isn't walking away from this but rather confronting it head on, not complaining about every little thing but rather being strong enough to hold him up and myself at the same time. It's exhausting and I constantly have to ask for help but how will he ever try, how will he ever be the dad he should be to our children, how will he ever not be narcissitic if I constantly stay afraid of him, afraid of confrontation?
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