In light of Halloween I've chosen to write about my costume, or rather my not-so-desired apparel. I am the invisible woman this year. I haven't necessarily chosen it, but it has chosen me.
Father, in truth I don't know what to say. "Come as you are", they tell us, You tell us. What am I? Am I a disorder? Am I a daughter? Am I even a friend to anyone? When I get in this mode its not that I pull away on purpose, it's not that I'm angry at You, it's not that I'm prideful and think I can do it alone. It's because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to ask for. I don't know how to react or respond and I feel that either way I'm invisible; not to You of course, You truly love me. You're the only one that hasn't left me, neglected me, abandoned me. At times like these I feel so ungrateful for the life you've chosen for me. I'm confused by it though. I don't know what You expect of me, I don't know why I am the way I am or for what purpose. Today, more than anything else, I feel angry. When I ask myself why do I feel angry and know the immediate response. It's not because of everyone else, because of the Chris' of this world who just suddenly stop talking to me because I become irritating or annoying or uninteresting, it's because of my own thoughts of myself. I feel inadequate. I feel evil. I feel uninteresting and unpretty and everything I shouldn't feel. On the other hand I can tell myself that's not true, that I am simply because I'm Yours but then why is it that people surrounding me do not try to disprove those reels running through my brain? I'm angry because I really need human interaction, to have friends. I'm much better when I have someone or something to lean on, to help me laugh, to take my mind off of things, but no matter how hard I try I can't seem to find friends who won't just ditch me when I become irritating or uninteresting. Even my "church" friends can't make time for me but they make time for others in the church. What makes everyone else around me so much more than I am? Why is my life chosen to be of such loneliness and emptiness? Why must I always just rely on Your love to get through, to sometimes feel like I can barely make it? Am I asking for too much? I give them all my time, my love, my patience, my understanding, my forgiveness. When they think of fun things to do, they do not call me, they do not think of me, why Father? Why? For years I've struggled with this and I've taken it out on Steve and others because of my anger towards them having what I want. I try not to be envious but I know I'm wrong for being jealous. I am jealous. I want a family. I want a father and a mother who wants to do anything for me, to show me such love, to care so much, to be willing to sacrifice anything for me, to if nothing else want me in their lives, and who aren't too prideful to make the attempts. I want a family who makes time for me, to call me if I'm down, to just say "I love you" for no reason. To send cards and flowers 'just because'. Am I just not noticing these things? Is it me and my faulty think, my "imagined abandonment"? Or is it that these people in my life truly are just sitting and waiting for me to ask them, for me to reach out to them, and the whole time it's just that I will always and forever have to do all the work to get them to want to be with me, to hear me, to see me, to love me.
Am I asking a monumental request? Is it too much to ask for one friend? I know that I should not want it to be my husband. I know that relying on him means I'm dependent, which is a huge turn off and adds too much stress for him. He has his best friends, people he can talk to about anything, people who know when all he needs is a movie or new Warhammer stuff to take his mind off of things or to cheer him up. He has people who confide in him their problems. He's a good man and I am happy he has these things. I do not wish on anyone the loneliness I feel in trying to make people want me. Is that my fault? Should I not try? Should I stand proud each day at the mirror saying, "God is your friend and you don't need anyone else". I'm a human. I need human interaction. Why can't I find that? Have I not tried hard enough to reach out? Have I not shown enough love? Have I not been forgiving or understanding enough? Why Father?
Is it that my purpose is so great that I need not have friends but to still give to them as thow they'd do the same for me? Have they done the same for me and I've taken advantage of that, neglecting their needs, being selfish and a bad friend? Everyone walks away, loses interest, chooses something else.
Father, I don't know what to ask for but my heart is heavy and my shoulders tense. I am anxious and time has easily slipped away. I feel as though I'm failing you, failing myself, failing Steve. I feel pressure to do well at work because I cannot afford to lose my job and no one will help pick me up. I cannot afford to lean on anyone but myself and at times my knees grow weak and I am sick.
My prayer is for something I know nothing about. I continue to dig holes for myself not ever getting out. Am I getting better? Will I ever? Is it possible for me?
A dear friend of mine told me I bless others' lives. I miss him, rather that side of him; the side you used to help me along. For a little while it was easy, relaxed, fun. Father there is something I need but I'm not sure what it is. I ask that you take all of my dark areas away. I feel myself slipping and before I fall I ask for you to hold me up just a little longer. I know I shouldn't even be allowed to ask because I am ungrateful, I am what I am, but "come as you are" rings in my ears and what I am is broken. Father, please fix me, fix me.
In your most Holy name, amen.
Love,
Kathryn
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Dr. Archie
Here's the thing...
I have no idea what my expectations are when I go and see Dr. Archie. Half the time I don't even know when I'm in hyper or hypoarousal mode. All I know is I'm sad, and tired, and exhausted with dealing with my emotions. I have these feelings inside of me and sometimes when I go and see you, Dr. I feel worse. I feel exposed. I feel like you wripped the bandage off but you have to wait until our next session to clean it out and then the next session to banadage it up again. Only each time I see you you just wrip off the temporary bandage I've put on myself in order to not get an infection. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to breathe half the time and now you tell me that I can't even establish what I am feeling let alone all the things I've tried to do thus far in order to get better, and I believed whole heartedly in each program that they simply weren't good enough and that's why I wasn't getting better.
You wanted me to explain my dark place, that place I go when you see me get sad and want to cry but I hold it back. That place no one truly will ever know because I fail at explaining the severity of that place. That place is a horrible, prison-like cell and most of the time I am shackled to the door.
I just don't know what to do, to think, to feel, to survive. I feel like a ball of chaos swirling inside of this horrible, dispicable carcus. I feel inadequate and unloved because I am truly stupid and unlovable.
I have no idea what my expectations are when I go and see Dr. Archie. Half the time I don't even know when I'm in hyper or hypoarousal mode. All I know is I'm sad, and tired, and exhausted with dealing with my emotions. I have these feelings inside of me and sometimes when I go and see you, Dr. I feel worse. I feel exposed. I feel like you wripped the bandage off but you have to wait until our next session to clean it out and then the next session to banadage it up again. Only each time I see you you just wrip off the temporary bandage I've put on myself in order to not get an infection. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to breathe half the time and now you tell me that I can't even establish what I am feeling let alone all the things I've tried to do thus far in order to get better, and I believed whole heartedly in each program that they simply weren't good enough and that's why I wasn't getting better.
You wanted me to explain my dark place, that place I go when you see me get sad and want to cry but I hold it back. That place no one truly will ever know because I fail at explaining the severity of that place. That place is a horrible, prison-like cell and most of the time I am shackled to the door.
I just don't know what to do, to think, to feel, to survive. I feel like a ball of chaos swirling inside of this horrible, dispicable carcus. I feel inadequate and unloved because I am truly stupid and unlovable.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Matthew 6:34
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for today is its own trouble." -Matthew 6:34
Boy it's that true! It seemed like all day yesterday I was worried about how today would go. Our store manager at Kirkland's has worked her final day and we are getting a new manager in. Not only are we getting a new manager, we're then getting another store manager from Kentucky or Tennessee who also "runs a tight ship" who will be training our new store manager, Jessica. While I'm excited for Alesa and her new adventure and excited for the new changes in our own store, I'm not excited for the added pressure to perform. I was just getting to a point where Alesa and Tabby had full confidence in my position as third key assistant manager. They would allow me to do pretty much whatever it was that I thought was necessary as far as the stockroom and the sales floor visuals, but now I'm just not sure that Jessica will have the same confidence. As hard as it is to leave life outside of work seperate from work, in my life it is especially difficult because with bipolar you must maintain a stable environment. While things like work or your work schedule, especially in Myrtle Beach, the retail capitol, are inevitable to change, something has to maintain a 'safe zone'. This 'zone' often is used for no stress or expectations what-so-ever. Right now I feel like my senses has been bombarded because I feel expectations from every part of my life, even in my home which I live by myself.
I know that with my condition I am supposed to do regualar things to keep me from going manic but at the same time in my home part of the reason I would hardly keep it as clean and spotless as most would like was because I liked having no expectations. I liked not having to do the dishes because I was afraid someone who came over would think I was a pig. I liked not always having to make my bed and I fear that now that Steve and I are trying to help each other that he'll see those things as signs of depression and mania that are simply just signs of me trusting there to be no expectations. I know that it's necessary to keep a clean house and often my "no expectations" mode at home doesn't spare room for then not being able to have company over due to the messy atmosphere. So, in this situation it's sort of become a catch twenty two. No one comes over which means no expectation of cleaning, which means no cleaning, which then results in no one coming over.
To add more stress I've decided to continue looking for another job. I've been applying to several jobs for a second job to counteract the hours I've lost at Kirklands. I love working there, however, and I'm scared that if I leave I won't have that safe environment anymore, which now that Alesa is gone, that environment has been changed, contaminated if you will. So, as loving and understanding of our needs God has thrown a great opportunity my way. Earthbound Trading Company is still looking for a Store Manager. I've applied thinking that my application would get thrown to the way-side, but low and behold the glory of God they're wanting to do an interview with me today at 11am. As the time started to tick away I can feel myself having all of these anxious feelings.
The best way to describe these feelings is that for the past four days that I've been off, I've been living in a fantasy land where it was all about nothing more than me and my husband getting along. Now that life has intermixed with that fantasy where we now have to add work and friends and cooking food, it feels overwhelming. I'm frustrated because it's like I didn't notice how I was acting until just now, which is just the kind of behavior that gets you hurt. I'm frustrated because I've missed spending so much time with him because of all of things that remained stuck between us that when I finally get a dose of it, bliss, I forget about everything else; work, my friends, my personal obligations and practices that have kept me sane thus far.
It frustrates me because then I feel like an idiot when I do get hurt, but not only then. I feel like that sort of right now, like that's the reason why I am the way I am, because I'm bipolar. See when it's controllable and I'm in my own world, doing things I have to in order to survive the day I feel like I'm in control of it, like I'm curing and regulating it. But when I forget about all of those things I started myself that did help me and allow Steve to be the only regulation I soon recognize that I'm not curing anything, I'm simply just going through the motions. It's hard to explain but it's inside me, it's my feelings, it's often my nightmare.
I know that I have to learn to stand up for what I know works for me. If I need time to take care of myself than I need to learn how to say that and not feel guilty like I've just lost a chance to spend time with him and now I'll never get it back. That's how I feel. Sometimes I don't feel like our marriage is forever; it feels like I have to go with the flow every chance I get because if I don't it might not ever happen again. To live your life like that creates higher expectations than you can meet, it creates a pressure of always having to make the right decision in an instant.
Even if I could deal with not standing up for all of those other things when we're together, I hate myself for falling away from God. I miss out on my faith because I'm willing to sacrifice that time spent with Christ for time spent with my husband. It truly should be the other way around and it's like there are parts of me that are better in control than others and that's one that takes control. It's frustrating because I dont' know how to stop it unless something bad is happening where it's easy to let go of him for Him. I feel bad because God deserves all of my attention all the time, not just when I'm sad or anxious or down.
I wish I just knew how to get rid of these parts of me or at least learn to control them better.
I'm sorry Father, You truly deserve more. I know what I'm doing and I'm not sure how to stop it. I'm confused all the time and I've been worried not only that I'll miss out on time spent with my husband, but time spent with You. It's like in this life I've been taught through the past few years that it has to be just one of you, not both. I want it to be both but I don't know how to make it. Father, I ask Your help in finding out how. Help me find those answers and steady my heart in the meantime. I ask forgiveness of my sins for I know I have hurt You. I love You and want to serve You! In Your heavenly name, amen.
Boy it's that true! It seemed like all day yesterday I was worried about how today would go. Our store manager at Kirkland's has worked her final day and we are getting a new manager in. Not only are we getting a new manager, we're then getting another store manager from Kentucky or Tennessee who also "runs a tight ship" who will be training our new store manager, Jessica. While I'm excited for Alesa and her new adventure and excited for the new changes in our own store, I'm not excited for the added pressure to perform. I was just getting to a point where Alesa and Tabby had full confidence in my position as third key assistant manager. They would allow me to do pretty much whatever it was that I thought was necessary as far as the stockroom and the sales floor visuals, but now I'm just not sure that Jessica will have the same confidence. As hard as it is to leave life outside of work seperate from work, in my life it is especially difficult because with bipolar you must maintain a stable environment. While things like work or your work schedule, especially in Myrtle Beach, the retail capitol, are inevitable to change, something has to maintain a 'safe zone'. This 'zone' often is used for no stress or expectations what-so-ever. Right now I feel like my senses has been bombarded because I feel expectations from every part of my life, even in my home which I live by myself.
I know that with my condition I am supposed to do regualar things to keep me from going manic but at the same time in my home part of the reason I would hardly keep it as clean and spotless as most would like was because I liked having no expectations. I liked not having to do the dishes because I was afraid someone who came over would think I was a pig. I liked not always having to make my bed and I fear that now that Steve and I are trying to help each other that he'll see those things as signs of depression and mania that are simply just signs of me trusting there to be no expectations. I know that it's necessary to keep a clean house and often my "no expectations" mode at home doesn't spare room for then not being able to have company over due to the messy atmosphere. So, in this situation it's sort of become a catch twenty two. No one comes over which means no expectation of cleaning, which means no cleaning, which then results in no one coming over.
To add more stress I've decided to continue looking for another job. I've been applying to several jobs for a second job to counteract the hours I've lost at Kirklands. I love working there, however, and I'm scared that if I leave I won't have that safe environment anymore, which now that Alesa is gone, that environment has been changed, contaminated if you will. So, as loving and understanding of our needs God has thrown a great opportunity my way. Earthbound Trading Company is still looking for a Store Manager. I've applied thinking that my application would get thrown to the way-side, but low and behold the glory of God they're wanting to do an interview with me today at 11am. As the time started to tick away I can feel myself having all of these anxious feelings.
The best way to describe these feelings is that for the past four days that I've been off, I've been living in a fantasy land where it was all about nothing more than me and my husband getting along. Now that life has intermixed with that fantasy where we now have to add work and friends and cooking food, it feels overwhelming. I'm frustrated because it's like I didn't notice how I was acting until just now, which is just the kind of behavior that gets you hurt. I'm frustrated because I've missed spending so much time with him because of all of things that remained stuck between us that when I finally get a dose of it, bliss, I forget about everything else; work, my friends, my personal obligations and practices that have kept me sane thus far.
It frustrates me because then I feel like an idiot when I do get hurt, but not only then. I feel like that sort of right now, like that's the reason why I am the way I am, because I'm bipolar. See when it's controllable and I'm in my own world, doing things I have to in order to survive the day I feel like I'm in control of it, like I'm curing and regulating it. But when I forget about all of those things I started myself that did help me and allow Steve to be the only regulation I soon recognize that I'm not curing anything, I'm simply just going through the motions. It's hard to explain but it's inside me, it's my feelings, it's often my nightmare.
I know that I have to learn to stand up for what I know works for me. If I need time to take care of myself than I need to learn how to say that and not feel guilty like I've just lost a chance to spend time with him and now I'll never get it back. That's how I feel. Sometimes I don't feel like our marriage is forever; it feels like I have to go with the flow every chance I get because if I don't it might not ever happen again. To live your life like that creates higher expectations than you can meet, it creates a pressure of always having to make the right decision in an instant.
Even if I could deal with not standing up for all of those other things when we're together, I hate myself for falling away from God. I miss out on my faith because I'm willing to sacrifice that time spent with Christ for time spent with my husband. It truly should be the other way around and it's like there are parts of me that are better in control than others and that's one that takes control. It's frustrating because I dont' know how to stop it unless something bad is happening where it's easy to let go of him for Him. I feel bad because God deserves all of my attention all the time, not just when I'm sad or anxious or down.
I wish I just knew how to get rid of these parts of me or at least learn to control them better.
I'm sorry Father, You truly deserve more. I know what I'm doing and I'm not sure how to stop it. I'm confused all the time and I've been worried not only that I'll miss out on time spent with my husband, but time spent with You. It's like in this life I've been taught through the past few years that it has to be just one of you, not both. I want it to be both but I don't know how to make it. Father, I ask Your help in finding out how. Help me find those answers and steady my heart in the meantime. I ask forgiveness of my sins for I know I have hurt You. I love You and want to serve You! In Your heavenly name, amen.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
"Bring the rain"
As I was driving home from getting some dinner my train of thoughts drastically, rapidly, changed from earlier this morning. Today was a great day spent with my husband! I fell in love with him all over again simply because he is more than I could've asked for! Deep within his heart, beneathe the fear and doubt is a man that most who've known him his whole life never knew existed. I am thankful I've had the opportunity to not only see it, feel it, but to hold it in my heart and know that's the man that God wants him to be. Seeing bits of him, at his finest, I know that's why I fight.
Sometimes I think I'm such a fool for falling for people's crap. I know that makes me sound higher than mighty and possibly you wonder if I lump myself in with those who sit on pedestals. Let me assure you that if you truly knew me and my fears you'd know that what I think of myself isn't even close to a higher ground.
In my finest moments I'm overjoyed at being a christian wife. I have one of the best jobs in this world. I get to be as best as I can be a close representation of Jesus Christ; perfection. I get to strive for that higher ground, and hope for one day resting closely under His arms. I fight because I've seen bits, pieces of what will be one day.
This life is such a game, but isn't it a wonderful game when you know that you're going to win? How about that long drawn out game of monopoly that you used to play as kids? I swear that's why now you can find the game in what seems like over 100 different versions, but the game is still the same. You'll start with a fair amount of money, gamble your choices, end up in jail a few times, and possibly end the game a millionaire or bankrupt. With Jesus you'll never go bankrupt although sometimes the game, being so long, makes you feel that way. Life's gambling decisions can steal a person's hope, which is why it's so important to cling to what you believe. It's important to not only adopt that way of thinking and change life around it, but it's equally important to continue to make that decision everyday. We roll the dice, move our piece, take our chances until our turn is over.
Being human I often get lost in the game. I often find myself that piece that sometimes gets thrown around on the board, always just sort of in between. The start of the day was one of those kinds of rolls.
Anyways, as I drove home I heard a song that reminded me that someday the game will be over and even if I'm left with nothing, in my version of the game, I'll be rich because I'll if nothing else get to meet my savior on the judging block. This song brought me back to reality that my selfishness and doubt robbed me of earlier today. This life is meant to be lived for Him and if serving His will means taking turns where you risk the chance of going bankrupt, I gladly want to take that chance. I made that decision when I jumped in the water to be baptized and tonight I was reminded that's my purpose, if nothing else greater.
In this human life we all would like to think that we'll do such great things; we'll make a difference in the world, that our legacies will thrive for generations. Like Alexander the Great, or even Ghandi, or Rosa Parks, we all want the world (even just our own) to remember us for something. As my husband and I talked during this drive home he said something that made me think about the very fact that I am glad I am a christian. He said, "when you think of it that way no one really ever makes a difference in the world". He was saying that the world will continue to spin no matter who dies, because that's what God wants, but it made me think that yes, while our legacies here on earth might not last forever, our legacy in Heaven will. We are told in John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everylasting life." That's what I was reminded of on this drive home; that I want my legacy to never end because I want to be remembered by my loved ones as a good, faithful, loving, christian wife, who gave everything she had to worship God; to live to glorify His name. When I get to that judgment block I want my Father to look at me and tell me to rest now, for I am safe past His doors where my legacy will last forevermore with Him.
So, while our time here on earth may seem as long as a monopoly game one day it will be over but the difference is that I already know I'm going to win the game as long as I keep Him in mind when gambling my pieces.
The chorus is what stood out the most but it is the entire song that gave me the hope in knowing and in seeing the bigger picture.
Mercy Me-"Bring the Rain"
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
can circumstances possibly
Change who I am forever in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on You, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Chorus:
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
But suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
(chorus)
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord Almighty
"Blessed is the man who persevers under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." -James 1:12
God Bless,
Kathryn
Sometimes I think I'm such a fool for falling for people's crap. I know that makes me sound higher than mighty and possibly you wonder if I lump myself in with those who sit on pedestals. Let me assure you that if you truly knew me and my fears you'd know that what I think of myself isn't even close to a higher ground.
In my finest moments I'm overjoyed at being a christian wife. I have one of the best jobs in this world. I get to be as best as I can be a close representation of Jesus Christ; perfection. I get to strive for that higher ground, and hope for one day resting closely under His arms. I fight because I've seen bits, pieces of what will be one day.
This life is such a game, but isn't it a wonderful game when you know that you're going to win? How about that long drawn out game of monopoly that you used to play as kids? I swear that's why now you can find the game in what seems like over 100 different versions, but the game is still the same. You'll start with a fair amount of money, gamble your choices, end up in jail a few times, and possibly end the game a millionaire or bankrupt. With Jesus you'll never go bankrupt although sometimes the game, being so long, makes you feel that way. Life's gambling decisions can steal a person's hope, which is why it's so important to cling to what you believe. It's important to not only adopt that way of thinking and change life around it, but it's equally important to continue to make that decision everyday. We roll the dice, move our piece, take our chances until our turn is over.
Being human I often get lost in the game. I often find myself that piece that sometimes gets thrown around on the board, always just sort of in between. The start of the day was one of those kinds of rolls.
Anyways, as I drove home I heard a song that reminded me that someday the game will be over and even if I'm left with nothing, in my version of the game, I'll be rich because I'll if nothing else get to meet my savior on the judging block. This song brought me back to reality that my selfishness and doubt robbed me of earlier today. This life is meant to be lived for Him and if serving His will means taking turns where you risk the chance of going bankrupt, I gladly want to take that chance. I made that decision when I jumped in the water to be baptized and tonight I was reminded that's my purpose, if nothing else greater.
In this human life we all would like to think that we'll do such great things; we'll make a difference in the world, that our legacies will thrive for generations. Like Alexander the Great, or even Ghandi, or Rosa Parks, we all want the world (even just our own) to remember us for something. As my husband and I talked during this drive home he said something that made me think about the very fact that I am glad I am a christian. He said, "when you think of it that way no one really ever makes a difference in the world". He was saying that the world will continue to spin no matter who dies, because that's what God wants, but it made me think that yes, while our legacies here on earth might not last forever, our legacy in Heaven will. We are told in John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everylasting life." That's what I was reminded of on this drive home; that I want my legacy to never end because I want to be remembered by my loved ones as a good, faithful, loving, christian wife, who gave everything she had to worship God; to live to glorify His name. When I get to that judgment block I want my Father to look at me and tell me to rest now, for I am safe past His doors where my legacy will last forevermore with Him.
So, while our time here on earth may seem as long as a monopoly game one day it will be over but the difference is that I already know I'm going to win the game as long as I keep Him in mind when gambling my pieces.
The chorus is what stood out the most but it is the entire song that gave me the hope in knowing and in seeing the bigger picture.
Mercy Me-"Bring the Rain"
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
can circumstances possibly
Change who I am forever in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on You, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Chorus:
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
But suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
(chorus)
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord Almighty
"Blessed is the man who persevers under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." -James 1:12
God Bless,
Kathryn
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Long Overdue Reality Check
As you can tell it's been almost two months since I've posted anything. In truth it's because I've been scared to share my feelings. For fear that someone somewhere who knew me might bring them up one day; make assumptions about what I have written and blown my life out of proportion. I feared also that this blog meant nothing to anyone. While it should mean something to me, and when I started it I knew it wouldn't matter who was a 'follower' or if anyone commented, but that this blog was meant to act as my outlet. A physical ground where I could visit almost anytime, almost anywhere; to say what I wanted without fear of anything.
As became more about God I became more guilty about using it selfishly to just vent about me and my life and my problems. The harsh reality is while we're stuck selfishly on our own problems, we're oblivious to our need elsewhere in His kingdom. I find myself feeling guilty about this often. I try hard to push the feelings aside saying, 'it could always be worse' or 'I am one of the richest people I know simply because I am God's daughter with whom He chooses to share His fortune with'. I know that I am undeserving because I am merely a sinner. I know that my day of judgement will come and it will not matter how hard I tried to push down the feelings, God will see that they are still in my heart.
For this reason I chose a long time ago to always work through things. I once bought a box of small cards, about the size of a business card. On one side it had a random picture and on the other side it had a quote. The card in particular that I gave a friend when he was going through a tough time as well, read, "The best way to out is always through" by Robert Frost. At the time I knew my friend needed something to remind him that when things got tough to keep trucking along but as I began to recollect the quote I learned that for me it was meant more metaphorically. You see when I first started visiting Pam McClowskey of Recovery Ministries in Shelocta, PA it was for the support and counsel. The workbook I've mentioned before that we used focused on this very notion of working 'through' something, whether it be a timeframe, a past event, a feeling, emotion, or even an episode.
In order for me to work through things I must surrender everything to God. By the submittion of self and the powerlessness that my life had become unmanageable I complete the first step in recovery. It is saying simply "I can't". Second, in my process is having faith that there is something higher than me that can take my pain away from me. It's believing that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity. This step we used to say was the "He can" step. The third step is letting go. It's trusting fully in His power to heal. This has been by far the most difficult step I still find myself faced with. Day-in and day-out I am reminded by fears that want to be controlled in some way or another. Pam used to tell me that whenever I felt anxious to say to myself, '1,2,3. 1,2,3.' She told me to say it over and over and to recite a short prayer afterwards letting go completely.
When I think about my life right now and where I stand I know that going forward is a difficult task in itself, however when adding another party to your healing process it becomes even more difficult to do. You cannot only not control yourself or your own life, but you cannot control the outcome of their actions either. At times you feel helpless and abused when they lose sight of the bigger picture that this is recovery for at least me, even if not them. Perhaps it is easier for me to focus on the '1,2,3' step process when it is just me because I am not handed any extra information at the most random and most uncomfortable times. It's almost impossible to actually move forward and heal when the idea of accepting what is and isn't past is out of your control. So this has been my battle recently.
I know that because of this struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, trying and giving up, cold or caring, love or apathy has weakened my faith. More often than not while there is this other person involved who is doing things to hurt me, or to hurt them, or giving me that information randomly...I find myself depressive, bound, burdened by stress. I feel trapped and hopeless but guilty for feeling as such.
I've grown selfish and angry. Because of my selfishness it is part of why I am avoiding the truth right now. Avoiding what should be done or should be confessed. I am no better, just another sinner, but what parts me from this other party is my willingness to strive for perfection, to strive for what is right and fair on all accounts. So, it is why I came back to write God a letter that I've been avoiding shamefully for days.
Father God,
I know that I have prayed small prayers throughout my days here recently. I know that I haven't forgotten you nor tried to disrespect you, but I know that I didn't give you all of me either. I know that I have forfeited control of my current living situation with my husband and the opportunities with job offers and life in general, but I know that I've protected my heart even just that slight sliver. I don't pretend to assume that You did not know. You are all knowing, all seeing, all mighty. My hesitation was out of guilt and my fear out of shame. I have an angered heart. My love hasn't been kind, nor patient, nor endearing. It has been jealous and boastful and envious. I have not only allowed poison from hell to strangle my heart in which is Yours, but I have allowed it to drench my skin with sin. My mouth I have controlled a little, but not as much as I could've. You've given me answers to questions I've had and yet I continued to search. Recently, today, I have defiled my body in the worst possible way. I have shattered good thoughts in my head with images that have stained my memory. I took what wasn't mine for my own pleasure in spite of my husband. I have desired evil things and spoke of poisonous wishes.
I have wounded my loved ones as well as myself. Father, I am sorry. I know that I am still weak in some areas and strong in others, but I know that my worst offense is that I was prideful. Because of my pride I thought today that I could control my own mind again and push the evil thoughts out, inserting new thoughts. I know that I only ended up selfishly acting again in an attempt to wipe clean my own slate. I tried to pretend it didn't happen and I am sorry that I was foolish to think that for one second I could get away with it, fool myself.
I am thankful of Your might, Your wisdom that you have shared with me. It is because of Your strength that has lead me to push through yet again so that I may move forward in Your plan. Father I know not the plans You have for me. I am scared that I will disappoint You, but I am hopeful You will see me through. Father I thank you for the gifts you have given me, the gift of knowing all sides to love and misfortune. I pray and ask for your forgiveness. I know that I do not deserve your grace but I ask selfishly anyway. Father I love you and with all of me I give to You now, every part I hand to You. From the tops of my nails to the veins in my heart; take it all and do with it what You will. I am yours forevermore. In your heavenly most awesome name, amen.
As became more about God I became more guilty about using it selfishly to just vent about me and my life and my problems. The harsh reality is while we're stuck selfishly on our own problems, we're oblivious to our need elsewhere in His kingdom. I find myself feeling guilty about this often. I try hard to push the feelings aside saying, 'it could always be worse' or 'I am one of the richest people I know simply because I am God's daughter with whom He chooses to share His fortune with'. I know that I am undeserving because I am merely a sinner. I know that my day of judgement will come and it will not matter how hard I tried to push down the feelings, God will see that they are still in my heart.
For this reason I chose a long time ago to always work through things. I once bought a box of small cards, about the size of a business card. On one side it had a random picture and on the other side it had a quote. The card in particular that I gave a friend when he was going through a tough time as well, read, "The best way to out is always through" by Robert Frost. At the time I knew my friend needed something to remind him that when things got tough to keep trucking along but as I began to recollect the quote I learned that for me it was meant more metaphorically. You see when I first started visiting Pam McClowskey of Recovery Ministries in Shelocta, PA it was for the support and counsel. The workbook I've mentioned before that we used focused on this very notion of working 'through' something, whether it be a timeframe, a past event, a feeling, emotion, or even an episode.
In order for me to work through things I must surrender everything to God. By the submittion of self and the powerlessness that my life had become unmanageable I complete the first step in recovery. It is saying simply "I can't". Second, in my process is having faith that there is something higher than me that can take my pain away from me. It's believing that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity. This step we used to say was the "He can" step. The third step is letting go. It's trusting fully in His power to heal. This has been by far the most difficult step I still find myself faced with. Day-in and day-out I am reminded by fears that want to be controlled in some way or another. Pam used to tell me that whenever I felt anxious to say to myself, '1,2,3. 1,2,3.' She told me to say it over and over and to recite a short prayer afterwards letting go completely.
When I think about my life right now and where I stand I know that going forward is a difficult task in itself, however when adding another party to your healing process it becomes even more difficult to do. You cannot only not control yourself or your own life, but you cannot control the outcome of their actions either. At times you feel helpless and abused when they lose sight of the bigger picture that this is recovery for at least me, even if not them. Perhaps it is easier for me to focus on the '1,2,3' step process when it is just me because I am not handed any extra information at the most random and most uncomfortable times. It's almost impossible to actually move forward and heal when the idea of accepting what is and isn't past is out of your control. So this has been my battle recently.
I know that because of this struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, trying and giving up, cold or caring, love or apathy has weakened my faith. More often than not while there is this other person involved who is doing things to hurt me, or to hurt them, or giving me that information randomly...I find myself depressive, bound, burdened by stress. I feel trapped and hopeless but guilty for feeling as such.
I've grown selfish and angry. Because of my selfishness it is part of why I am avoiding the truth right now. Avoiding what should be done or should be confessed. I am no better, just another sinner, but what parts me from this other party is my willingness to strive for perfection, to strive for what is right and fair on all accounts. So, it is why I came back to write God a letter that I've been avoiding shamefully for days.
Father God,
I know that I have prayed small prayers throughout my days here recently. I know that I haven't forgotten you nor tried to disrespect you, but I know that I didn't give you all of me either. I know that I have forfeited control of my current living situation with my husband and the opportunities with job offers and life in general, but I know that I've protected my heart even just that slight sliver. I don't pretend to assume that You did not know. You are all knowing, all seeing, all mighty. My hesitation was out of guilt and my fear out of shame. I have an angered heart. My love hasn't been kind, nor patient, nor endearing. It has been jealous and boastful and envious. I have not only allowed poison from hell to strangle my heart in which is Yours, but I have allowed it to drench my skin with sin. My mouth I have controlled a little, but not as much as I could've. You've given me answers to questions I've had and yet I continued to search. Recently, today, I have defiled my body in the worst possible way. I have shattered good thoughts in my head with images that have stained my memory. I took what wasn't mine for my own pleasure in spite of my husband. I have desired evil things and spoke of poisonous wishes.
I have wounded my loved ones as well as myself. Father, I am sorry. I know that I am still weak in some areas and strong in others, but I know that my worst offense is that I was prideful. Because of my pride I thought today that I could control my own mind again and push the evil thoughts out, inserting new thoughts. I know that I only ended up selfishly acting again in an attempt to wipe clean my own slate. I tried to pretend it didn't happen and I am sorry that I was foolish to think that for one second I could get away with it, fool myself.
I am thankful of Your might, Your wisdom that you have shared with me. It is because of Your strength that has lead me to push through yet again so that I may move forward in Your plan. Father I know not the plans You have for me. I am scared that I will disappoint You, but I am hopeful You will see me through. Father I thank you for the gifts you have given me, the gift of knowing all sides to love and misfortune. I pray and ask for your forgiveness. I know that I do not deserve your grace but I ask selfishly anyway. Father I love you and with all of me I give to You now, every part I hand to You. From the tops of my nails to the veins in my heart; take it all and do with it what You will. I am yours forevermore. In your heavenly most awesome name, amen.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Gratitude
Boy, isn't God just AMAZING? He's working so hard through all of us and its so gratifying to be able to see that work being done in not only yourself and the "coincidences" around you, but in someone you love and care for as well. As I've said before that God will continue to work through us, however, in order to truly be living in His righteousness we have to prepare ourselves and ready ourselves for His wisdom to be instilled in us and for that, this morning, is why I'm so thankful! Don't get me wrong, without the love and grace of God it wouldn't be possible, but without the willingness of that person it wouldn't be as possible or effective.
Following in Steve's footsteps this morning I chose to get out of bed and immediately be with God as well. Most mornings I find myself not really sticking to a routine in which I either hit the shower or get on the computer first, but for the past week or so I haven't prayed in the mornings immediately like I've done before. So, I thankful for the leadership and inspiration to get up and do that this morning.
It was because of the inspiration that God sent me another one of His valuable lessons. One of my biggest "temptations", I guess you could say, is my lack of patience. Some times I have the ability to be very patient, but choose to let my fears and lack of trust in God and the other people involved get ready me to just do it myself. Perhaps this comes from my childhood or from my willingness to trust even though I've been burned, regardless, I am thankful for that as well. I'm thankful that each day God allows more opportunities to happen in order to practice another level of patience and trust.
Just yesterday I was worried and terrified that this was all a joke and that Steve wasn't really serious about wanting to be with me or get rid of his own sin problems in order to make our family whole again. I wasn't trusting of him or his abilities and I put too much stress on my own. After he left from dropping off some Juice Plus powder (for my morning shakes, which he didn't have to do, especially in giving me the new stuff and taking the older powder for himself) I fell into that dark place that I'd seen so many days before. I was sad because he was leaving, because I had to share him, because I was alone with no plans or friends of my own. It wasn't a lack of encouragement or proof that he genuinely cared for my well-being, it was simply that I allowed satan to attack me right then and I gave into to him. While I took a shower I began to cry because I was worried, so terrified. I cried out "God, please God. I'm scared! I'm so scared! I'm scared because I don't know if this is real or just fake again. I don't know if no one wants to be around me because of me or my illness. I just don't feel strong, like I know anything. I know that I need to practice patience and that I can't take this into my own hands and start making things happen instead of You. So, I give it to you. I give you the problems, I give you my husband, I give you those people who've said they want to be my friend and family. Lord, I'm trusting You even when I am afraid."
After my prayer and plea I picked myself up off the side of the shower and wiped my tears and continued with my shower. Afterwards I took a nap and I'd be lying if it wasn't hard to not do anything else. I think a part of me knew that if I got on the computer and started to e-mail people to try and help us find the money to pay for the treatment that we both wanted that I wouldn't be trusting God. Maybe by me sleeping it kept me busy and gave me the energy to keep going the rest of the night.
Not only did God show me last night that I can trust Him and trust His work through me and my Steve, but He showed me again today. It reminds me of a fortune stick that I got a while back, just before Steve decided that he wanted to help before. It had said, "You're heart will get what it desires." I remember thinking before Steve came around that it had to mean him and that our plans of renewing our vows was going to happen. I began to fantasize about what that would be like the second time around and for a little while I was glad that God had shown me my future and gave me something to look forward to. And while Steve was around I was glad because it was true, because I wasn't crazy for believing in a little stick, that it could come from God. But after Steve left again, I remember how I felt. I felt embarassed, ashamed, betrayed, disappointed, and tricked by that little stick. I was so angry at myself because it was plain and clear that I would get what my heart desired, which at the time was Steve, and I blew it...again. My fears blew it because I scared him away and that was my second chance, my saving grace from God and I blew it. But here's the greatest part...I didn't.
I think that the message on the stick was correct in that I will get my heart desires, but it doesn't mean solely one thing, or one person. I think it's a message for me to remember that timing and patience is everything in God's eyes. Just like today through the message He shared with me.
After my wonderful text message from Steve, which in itself had SO much to be thankful for, I wanted to make him proud by going to God as well. I wanted to because I knew I should, and I knew that I'd been missing the mark with God lately and that I needed to simply make the time, before anything else.
So, I began to read in Romans chapters 5 and 6. It's funny because I'd started reading a single passage in Romans 5 a few days ago when I was researching different areas of the Bible that spoke of character and patience. It begins with Romans 5:1-4 saying, "Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, be we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character hope."
At first when I read this the other day I focused on how it tells us if we can endure the troubles than we can find our hope through the character and wisdom that God strengthens in us. Today when I read back over the words I focused more in the words "glory in tribulations". Today, instead of finding inspiration and joy in knowing that I was going to become stronger in character if I kept on fighting, but rather took more joy in knowing that I should be glad through the tribulations because they, themselves are hopeful. I'm reminded that often when it feels like nothing seems to be going right, than that often means that satan is trying ten times harder to get you down because your strength and faith are stronger than he wants them to be.
As I continued to read on through the chapter and into chapter six which spoke more on the gift of righteousness I was struck with another inspirational passage. Actually, the entired chapter six I found very inspirational.
....to be continued.
Following in Steve's footsteps this morning I chose to get out of bed and immediately be with God as well. Most mornings I find myself not really sticking to a routine in which I either hit the shower or get on the computer first, but for the past week or so I haven't prayed in the mornings immediately like I've done before. So, I thankful for the leadership and inspiration to get up and do that this morning.
It was because of the inspiration that God sent me another one of His valuable lessons. One of my biggest "temptations", I guess you could say, is my lack of patience. Some times I have the ability to be very patient, but choose to let my fears and lack of trust in God and the other people involved get ready me to just do it myself. Perhaps this comes from my childhood or from my willingness to trust even though I've been burned, regardless, I am thankful for that as well. I'm thankful that each day God allows more opportunities to happen in order to practice another level of patience and trust.
Just yesterday I was worried and terrified that this was all a joke and that Steve wasn't really serious about wanting to be with me or get rid of his own sin problems in order to make our family whole again. I wasn't trusting of him or his abilities and I put too much stress on my own. After he left from dropping off some Juice Plus powder (for my morning shakes, which he didn't have to do, especially in giving me the new stuff and taking the older powder for himself) I fell into that dark place that I'd seen so many days before. I was sad because he was leaving, because I had to share him, because I was alone with no plans or friends of my own. It wasn't a lack of encouragement or proof that he genuinely cared for my well-being, it was simply that I allowed satan to attack me right then and I gave into to him. While I took a shower I began to cry because I was worried, so terrified. I cried out "God, please God. I'm scared! I'm so scared! I'm scared because I don't know if this is real or just fake again. I don't know if no one wants to be around me because of me or my illness. I just don't feel strong, like I know anything. I know that I need to practice patience and that I can't take this into my own hands and start making things happen instead of You. So, I give it to you. I give you the problems, I give you my husband, I give you those people who've said they want to be my friend and family. Lord, I'm trusting You even when I am afraid."
After my prayer and plea I picked myself up off the side of the shower and wiped my tears and continued with my shower. Afterwards I took a nap and I'd be lying if it wasn't hard to not do anything else. I think a part of me knew that if I got on the computer and started to e-mail people to try and help us find the money to pay for the treatment that we both wanted that I wouldn't be trusting God. Maybe by me sleeping it kept me busy and gave me the energy to keep going the rest of the night.
Not only did God show me last night that I can trust Him and trust His work through me and my Steve, but He showed me again today. It reminds me of a fortune stick that I got a while back, just before Steve decided that he wanted to help before. It had said, "You're heart will get what it desires." I remember thinking before Steve came around that it had to mean him and that our plans of renewing our vows was going to happen. I began to fantasize about what that would be like the second time around and for a little while I was glad that God had shown me my future and gave me something to look forward to. And while Steve was around I was glad because it was true, because I wasn't crazy for believing in a little stick, that it could come from God. But after Steve left again, I remember how I felt. I felt embarassed, ashamed, betrayed, disappointed, and tricked by that little stick. I was so angry at myself because it was plain and clear that I would get what my heart desired, which at the time was Steve, and I blew it...again. My fears blew it because I scared him away and that was my second chance, my saving grace from God and I blew it. But here's the greatest part...I didn't.
I think that the message on the stick was correct in that I will get my heart desires, but it doesn't mean solely one thing, or one person. I think it's a message for me to remember that timing and patience is everything in God's eyes. Just like today through the message He shared with me.
After my wonderful text message from Steve, which in itself had SO much to be thankful for, I wanted to make him proud by going to God as well. I wanted to because I knew I should, and I knew that I'd been missing the mark with God lately and that I needed to simply make the time, before anything else.
So, I began to read in Romans chapters 5 and 6. It's funny because I'd started reading a single passage in Romans 5 a few days ago when I was researching different areas of the Bible that spoke of character and patience. It begins with Romans 5:1-4 saying, "Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, be we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character hope."
At first when I read this the other day I focused on how it tells us if we can endure the troubles than we can find our hope through the character and wisdom that God strengthens in us. Today when I read back over the words I focused more in the words "glory in tribulations". Today, instead of finding inspiration and joy in knowing that I was going to become stronger in character if I kept on fighting, but rather took more joy in knowing that I should be glad through the tribulations because they, themselves are hopeful. I'm reminded that often when it feels like nothing seems to be going right, than that often means that satan is trying ten times harder to get you down because your strength and faith are stronger than he wants them to be.
As I continued to read on through the chapter and into chapter six which spoke more on the gift of righteousness I was struck with another inspirational passage. Actually, the entired chapter six I found very inspirational.
....to be continued.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Patience
Remember that I said in my last blog that I still had to write the rest of the blog before that; the one about patience? Well, I'm thinking that now is the best opportunity for me to do that. God really showed me today the importance of being slow to anger, not let my fears take over me, and to above all be quite and patient.
I started out this day mildly wrong. I woke up from a bad dream and before I could allow myself time to pray (#1 wrong choice) I let the fears and worries sink in. What did I do? I went immediately to the computer and started to e-mail (#2 wrong choice). Instead of giving encouragement I opened my mouth and wrath came out. I wasn't as hurtful as I could've been and in some ways maybe I wasn't hurtful at all, but I was wrong in sending the e-mails. I may not have been wrong about what needed to be said, but perhaps I was the wrong one to say it. I should've stopped, looked, and listened like I knew I should've done. If I had I would've heard God say, "Katie, you're being tested by satan. He's testing your strength by using the one person, with the one horrible thing, that gets to you the most. You've got to hold fast and be strong my daughter. You can't let him get to you like that because once he does, no matter how hard you try, he'll dig even deeper to try and tear you a part from you soul mate. Do you want that?"
A while back I pulled one of those infamous fortune sticks that I've talked about before. I appreciate that stick so much because it was a reminder that I speak so much louder with my words when they are negative than positive and much like weight management, it takes a lot longer to get rid of the weight of a negative comment than it does adding on the encouragement through positive comments. You can send positive after positive but all it takes is one negative to strike the core and all those little positives come tumbling down.
God also humbled me today and really put me in my place because I was starting to climb up that high horse again. As I'm sitting here thinking, I'm reminded of my own words just a few days ago that ALL of us are sinners and that ALL of us are going to be judged. If I'm not supposed to judge someone's choices because they're equivalent to my own. God sees no difference, sin is merely sin in His eyes. So today, we both sinned and it didn't matter what the difference was.
The only reason the choices and sin of someone else hurts is because you love that person and satan knew that by using them he was able to get to you. That's what he did to me this morning. He gave me bad dream set with characters from my fears and then he used me, through my language and negative encouragement to tear down someone I love dearly.
I hope that this afternoon we were able to counteract his efforts by forgiving each other and not judging each other for their choices of sin, but that's besides the point.
I'm just glad that He showed me this lesson, that he humbled me because this is something that is a constant struggle for me. Sometimes I simply just need to listen to my fortune stick when it reads, "You are aggressive. Be quiet and listen today."
I started out this day mildly wrong. I woke up from a bad dream and before I could allow myself time to pray (#1 wrong choice) I let the fears and worries sink in. What did I do? I went immediately to the computer and started to e-mail (#2 wrong choice). Instead of giving encouragement I opened my mouth and wrath came out. I wasn't as hurtful as I could've been and in some ways maybe I wasn't hurtful at all, but I was wrong in sending the e-mails. I may not have been wrong about what needed to be said, but perhaps I was the wrong one to say it. I should've stopped, looked, and listened like I knew I should've done. If I had I would've heard God say, "Katie, you're being tested by satan. He's testing your strength by using the one person, with the one horrible thing, that gets to you the most. You've got to hold fast and be strong my daughter. You can't let him get to you like that because once he does, no matter how hard you try, he'll dig even deeper to try and tear you a part from you soul mate. Do you want that?"
A while back I pulled one of those infamous fortune sticks that I've talked about before. I appreciate that stick so much because it was a reminder that I speak so much louder with my words when they are negative than positive and much like weight management, it takes a lot longer to get rid of the weight of a negative comment than it does adding on the encouragement through positive comments. You can send positive after positive but all it takes is one negative to strike the core and all those little positives come tumbling down.
God also humbled me today and really put me in my place because I was starting to climb up that high horse again. As I'm sitting here thinking, I'm reminded of my own words just a few days ago that ALL of us are sinners and that ALL of us are going to be judged. If I'm not supposed to judge someone's choices because they're equivalent to my own. God sees no difference, sin is merely sin in His eyes. So today, we both sinned and it didn't matter what the difference was.
The only reason the choices and sin of someone else hurts is because you love that person and satan knew that by using them he was able to get to you. That's what he did to me this morning. He gave me bad dream set with characters from my fears and then he used me, through my language and negative encouragement to tear down someone I love dearly.
I hope that this afternoon we were able to counteract his efforts by forgiving each other and not judging each other for their choices of sin, but that's besides the point.
I'm just glad that He showed me this lesson, that he humbled me because this is something that is a constant struggle for me. Sometimes I simply just need to listen to my fortune stick when it reads, "You are aggressive. Be quiet and listen today."
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