Gratitude

Boy, isn't God just AMAZING? He's working so hard through all of us and its so gratifying to be able to see that work being done in not only yourself and the "coincidences" around you, but in someone you love and care for as well. As I've said before that God will continue to work through us, however, in order to truly be living in His righteousness we have to prepare ourselves and ready ourselves for His wisdom to be instilled in us and for that, this morning, is why I'm so thankful! Don't get me wrong, without the love and grace of God it wouldn't be possible, but without the willingness of that person it wouldn't be as possible or effective.

Following in Steve's footsteps this morning I chose to get out of bed and immediately be with God as well. Most mornings I find myself not really sticking to a routine in which I either hit the shower or get on the computer first, but for the past week or so I haven't prayed in the mornings immediately like I've done before. So, I thankful for the leadership and inspiration to get up and do that this morning.

It was because of the inspiration that God sent me another one of His valuable lessons. One of my biggest "temptations", I guess you could say, is my lack of patience. Some times I have the ability to be very patient, but choose to let my fears and lack of trust in God and the other people involved get ready me to just do it myself. Perhaps this comes from my childhood or from my willingness to trust even though I've been burned, regardless, I am thankful for that as well. I'm thankful that each day God allows more opportunities to happen in order to practice another level of patience and trust.

Just yesterday I was worried and terrified that this was all a joke and that Steve wasn't really serious about wanting to be with me or get rid of his own sin problems in order to make our family whole again. I wasn't trusting of him or his abilities and I put too much stress on my own. After he left from dropping off some Juice Plus powder (for my morning shakes, which he didn't have to do, especially in giving me the new stuff and taking the older powder for himself) I fell into that dark place that I'd seen so many days before. I was sad because he was leaving, because I had to share him, because I was alone with no plans or friends of my own. It wasn't a lack of encouragement or proof that he genuinely cared for my well-being, it was simply that I allowed satan to attack me right then and I gave into to him. While I took a shower I began to cry because I was worried, so terrified. I cried out "God, please God. I'm scared! I'm so scared! I'm scared because I don't know if this is real or just fake again. I don't know if no one wants to be around me because of me or my illness. I just don't feel strong, like I know anything. I know that I need to practice patience and that I can't take this into my own hands and start making things happen instead of You. So, I give it to you. I give you the problems, I give you my husband, I give you those people who've said they want to be my friend and family. Lord, I'm trusting You even when I am afraid."

After my prayer and plea I picked myself up off the side of the shower and wiped my tears and continued with my shower. Afterwards I took a nap and I'd be lying if it wasn't hard to not do anything else. I think a part of me knew that if I got on the computer and started to e-mail people to try and help us find the money to pay for the treatment that we both wanted that I wouldn't be trusting God. Maybe by me sleeping it kept me busy and gave me the energy to keep going the rest of the night.

Not only did God show me last night that I can trust Him and trust His work through me and my Steve, but He showed me again today. It reminds me of a fortune stick that I got a while back, just before Steve decided that he wanted to help before. It had said, "You're heart will get what it desires." I remember thinking before Steve came around that it had to mean him and that our plans of renewing our vows was going to happen. I began to fantasize about what that would be like the second time around and for a little while I was glad that God had shown me my future and gave me something to look forward to. And while Steve was around I was glad because it was true, because I wasn't crazy for believing in a little stick, that it could come from God. But after Steve left again, I remember how I felt. I felt embarassed, ashamed, betrayed, disappointed, and tricked by that little stick. I was so angry at myself because it was plain and clear that I would get what my heart desired, which at the time was Steve, and I blew it...again. My fears blew it because I scared him away and that was my second chance, my saving grace from God and I blew it. But here's the greatest part...I didn't.

I think that the message on the stick was correct in that I will get my heart desires, but it doesn't mean solely one thing, or one person. I think it's a message for me to remember that timing and patience is everything in God's eyes. Just like today through the message He shared with me.

After my wonderful text message from Steve, which in itself had SO much to be thankful for, I wanted to make him proud by going to God as well. I wanted to because I knew I should, and I knew that I'd been missing the mark with God lately and that I needed to simply make the time, before anything else.

So, I began to read in Romans chapters 5 and 6. It's funny because I'd started reading a single passage in Romans 5 a few days ago when I was researching different areas of the Bible that spoke of character and patience. It begins with Romans 5:1-4 saying, "Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, be we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character hope."

At first when I read this the other day I focused on how it tells us if we can endure the troubles than we can find our hope through the character and wisdom that God strengthens in us. Today when I read back over the words I focused more in the words "glory in tribulations". Today, instead of finding inspiration and joy in knowing that I was going to become stronger in character if I kept on fighting, but rather took more joy in knowing that I should be glad through the tribulations because they, themselves are hopeful. I'm reminded that often when it feels like nothing seems to be going right, than that often means that satan is trying ten times harder to get you down because your strength and faith are stronger than he wants them to be.

As I continued to read on through the chapter and into chapter six which spoke more on the gift of righteousness I was struck with another inspirational passage. Actually, the entired chapter six I found very inspirational.

....to be continued.