Dr. Archie

Here's the thing...

I have no idea what my expectations are when I go and see Dr. Archie. Half the time I don't even know when I'm in hyper or hypoarousal mode. All I know is I'm sad, and tired, and exhausted with dealing with my emotions. I have these feelings inside of me and sometimes when I go and see you, Dr. I feel worse. I feel exposed. I feel like you wripped the bandage off but you have to wait until our next session to clean it out and then the next session to banadage it up again. Only each time I see you you just wrip off the temporary bandage I've put on myself in order to not get an infection. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to breathe half the time and now you tell me that I can't even establish what I am feeling let alone all the things I've tried to do thus far in order to get better, and I believed whole heartedly in each program that they simply weren't good enough and that's why I wasn't getting better.

You wanted me to explain my dark place, that place I go when you see me get sad and want to cry but I hold it back. That place no one truly will ever know because I fail at explaining the severity of that place. That place is a horrible, prison-like cell and most of the time I am shackled to the door.

I just don't know what to do, to think, to feel, to survive. I feel like a ball of chaos swirling inside of this horrible, dispicable carcus. I feel inadequate and unloved because I am truly stupid and unlovable.