As you can tell it's been almost two months since I've posted anything. In truth it's because I've been scared to share my feelings. For fear that someone somewhere who knew me might bring them up one day; make assumptions about what I have written and blown my life out of proportion. I feared also that this blog meant nothing to anyone. While it should mean something to me, and when I started it I knew it wouldn't matter who was a 'follower' or if anyone commented, but that this blog was meant to act as my outlet. A physical ground where I could visit almost anytime, almost anywhere; to say what I wanted without fear of anything.
As became more about God I became more guilty about using it selfishly to just vent about me and my life and my problems. The harsh reality is while we're stuck selfishly on our own problems, we're oblivious to our need elsewhere in His kingdom. I find myself feeling guilty about this often. I try hard to push the feelings aside saying, 'it could always be worse' or 'I am one of the richest people I know simply because I am God's daughter with whom He chooses to share His fortune with'. I know that I am undeserving because I am merely a sinner. I know that my day of judgement will come and it will not matter how hard I tried to push down the feelings, God will see that they are still in my heart.
For this reason I chose a long time ago to always work through things. I once bought a box of small cards, about the size of a business card. On one side it had a random picture and on the other side it had a quote. The card in particular that I gave a friend when he was going through a tough time as well, read, "The best way to out is always through" by Robert Frost. At the time I knew my friend needed something to remind him that when things got tough to keep trucking along but as I began to recollect the quote I learned that for me it was meant more metaphorically. You see when I first started visiting Pam McClowskey of Recovery Ministries in Shelocta, PA it was for the support and counsel. The workbook I've mentioned before that we used focused on this very notion of working 'through' something, whether it be a timeframe, a past event, a feeling, emotion, or even an episode.
In order for me to work through things I must surrender everything to God. By the submittion of self and the powerlessness that my life had become unmanageable I complete the first step in recovery. It is saying simply "I can't". Second, in my process is having faith that there is something higher than me that can take my pain away from me. It's believing that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity. This step we used to say was the "He can" step. The third step is letting go. It's trusting fully in His power to heal. This has been by far the most difficult step I still find myself faced with. Day-in and day-out I am reminded by fears that want to be controlled in some way or another. Pam used to tell me that whenever I felt anxious to say to myself, '1,2,3. 1,2,3.' She told me to say it over and over and to recite a short prayer afterwards letting go completely.
When I think about my life right now and where I stand I know that going forward is a difficult task in itself, however when adding another party to your healing process it becomes even more difficult to do. You cannot only not control yourself or your own life, but you cannot control the outcome of their actions either. At times you feel helpless and abused when they lose sight of the bigger picture that this is recovery for at least me, even if not them. Perhaps it is easier for me to focus on the '1,2,3' step process when it is just me because I am not handed any extra information at the most random and most uncomfortable times. It's almost impossible to actually move forward and heal when the idea of accepting what is and isn't past is out of your control. So this has been my battle recently.
I know that because of this struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, trying and giving up, cold or caring, love or apathy has weakened my faith. More often than not while there is this other person involved who is doing things to hurt me, or to hurt them, or giving me that information randomly...I find myself depressive, bound, burdened by stress. I feel trapped and hopeless but guilty for feeling as such.
I've grown selfish and angry. Because of my selfishness it is part of why I am avoiding the truth right now. Avoiding what should be done or should be confessed. I am no better, just another sinner, but what parts me from this other party is my willingness to strive for perfection, to strive for what is right and fair on all accounts. So, it is why I came back to write God a letter that I've been avoiding shamefully for days.
Father God,
I know that I have prayed small prayers throughout my days here recently. I know that I haven't forgotten you nor tried to disrespect you, but I know that I didn't give you all of me either. I know that I have forfeited control of my current living situation with my husband and the opportunities with job offers and life in general, but I know that I've protected my heart even just that slight sliver. I don't pretend to assume that You did not know. You are all knowing, all seeing, all mighty. My hesitation was out of guilt and my fear out of shame. I have an angered heart. My love hasn't been kind, nor patient, nor endearing. It has been jealous and boastful and envious. I have not only allowed poison from hell to strangle my heart in which is Yours, but I have allowed it to drench my skin with sin. My mouth I have controlled a little, but not as much as I could've. You've given me answers to questions I've had and yet I continued to search. Recently, today, I have defiled my body in the worst possible way. I have shattered good thoughts in my head with images that have stained my memory. I took what wasn't mine for my own pleasure in spite of my husband. I have desired evil things and spoke of poisonous wishes.
I have wounded my loved ones as well as myself. Father, I am sorry. I know that I am still weak in some areas and strong in others, but I know that my worst offense is that I was prideful. Because of my pride I thought today that I could control my own mind again and push the evil thoughts out, inserting new thoughts. I know that I only ended up selfishly acting again in an attempt to wipe clean my own slate. I tried to pretend it didn't happen and I am sorry that I was foolish to think that for one second I could get away with it, fool myself.
I am thankful of Your might, Your wisdom that you have shared with me. It is because of Your strength that has lead me to push through yet again so that I may move forward in Your plan. Father I know not the plans You have for me. I am scared that I will disappoint You, but I am hopeful You will see me through. Father I thank you for the gifts you have given me, the gift of knowing all sides to love and misfortune. I pray and ask for your forgiveness. I know that I do not deserve your grace but I ask selfishly anyway. Father I love you and with all of me I give to You now, every part I hand to You. From the tops of my nails to the veins in my heart; take it all and do with it what You will. I am yours forevermore. In your heavenly most awesome name, amen.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Gratitude
Boy, isn't God just AMAZING? He's working so hard through all of us and its so gratifying to be able to see that work being done in not only yourself and the "coincidences" around you, but in someone you love and care for as well. As I've said before that God will continue to work through us, however, in order to truly be living in His righteousness we have to prepare ourselves and ready ourselves for His wisdom to be instilled in us and for that, this morning, is why I'm so thankful! Don't get me wrong, without the love and grace of God it wouldn't be possible, but without the willingness of that person it wouldn't be as possible or effective.
Following in Steve's footsteps this morning I chose to get out of bed and immediately be with God as well. Most mornings I find myself not really sticking to a routine in which I either hit the shower or get on the computer first, but for the past week or so I haven't prayed in the mornings immediately like I've done before. So, I thankful for the leadership and inspiration to get up and do that this morning.
It was because of the inspiration that God sent me another one of His valuable lessons. One of my biggest "temptations", I guess you could say, is my lack of patience. Some times I have the ability to be very patient, but choose to let my fears and lack of trust in God and the other people involved get ready me to just do it myself. Perhaps this comes from my childhood or from my willingness to trust even though I've been burned, regardless, I am thankful for that as well. I'm thankful that each day God allows more opportunities to happen in order to practice another level of patience and trust.
Just yesterday I was worried and terrified that this was all a joke and that Steve wasn't really serious about wanting to be with me or get rid of his own sin problems in order to make our family whole again. I wasn't trusting of him or his abilities and I put too much stress on my own. After he left from dropping off some Juice Plus powder (for my morning shakes, which he didn't have to do, especially in giving me the new stuff and taking the older powder for himself) I fell into that dark place that I'd seen so many days before. I was sad because he was leaving, because I had to share him, because I was alone with no plans or friends of my own. It wasn't a lack of encouragement or proof that he genuinely cared for my well-being, it was simply that I allowed satan to attack me right then and I gave into to him. While I took a shower I began to cry because I was worried, so terrified. I cried out "God, please God. I'm scared! I'm so scared! I'm scared because I don't know if this is real or just fake again. I don't know if no one wants to be around me because of me or my illness. I just don't feel strong, like I know anything. I know that I need to practice patience and that I can't take this into my own hands and start making things happen instead of You. So, I give it to you. I give you the problems, I give you my husband, I give you those people who've said they want to be my friend and family. Lord, I'm trusting You even when I am afraid."
After my prayer and plea I picked myself up off the side of the shower and wiped my tears and continued with my shower. Afterwards I took a nap and I'd be lying if it wasn't hard to not do anything else. I think a part of me knew that if I got on the computer and started to e-mail people to try and help us find the money to pay for the treatment that we both wanted that I wouldn't be trusting God. Maybe by me sleeping it kept me busy and gave me the energy to keep going the rest of the night.
Not only did God show me last night that I can trust Him and trust His work through me and my Steve, but He showed me again today. It reminds me of a fortune stick that I got a while back, just before Steve decided that he wanted to help before. It had said, "You're heart will get what it desires." I remember thinking before Steve came around that it had to mean him and that our plans of renewing our vows was going to happen. I began to fantasize about what that would be like the second time around and for a little while I was glad that God had shown me my future and gave me something to look forward to. And while Steve was around I was glad because it was true, because I wasn't crazy for believing in a little stick, that it could come from God. But after Steve left again, I remember how I felt. I felt embarassed, ashamed, betrayed, disappointed, and tricked by that little stick. I was so angry at myself because it was plain and clear that I would get what my heart desired, which at the time was Steve, and I blew it...again. My fears blew it because I scared him away and that was my second chance, my saving grace from God and I blew it. But here's the greatest part...I didn't.
I think that the message on the stick was correct in that I will get my heart desires, but it doesn't mean solely one thing, or one person. I think it's a message for me to remember that timing and patience is everything in God's eyes. Just like today through the message He shared with me.
After my wonderful text message from Steve, which in itself had SO much to be thankful for, I wanted to make him proud by going to God as well. I wanted to because I knew I should, and I knew that I'd been missing the mark with God lately and that I needed to simply make the time, before anything else.
So, I began to read in Romans chapters 5 and 6. It's funny because I'd started reading a single passage in Romans 5 a few days ago when I was researching different areas of the Bible that spoke of character and patience. It begins with Romans 5:1-4 saying, "Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, be we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character hope."
At first when I read this the other day I focused on how it tells us if we can endure the troubles than we can find our hope through the character and wisdom that God strengthens in us. Today when I read back over the words I focused more in the words "glory in tribulations". Today, instead of finding inspiration and joy in knowing that I was going to become stronger in character if I kept on fighting, but rather took more joy in knowing that I should be glad through the tribulations because they, themselves are hopeful. I'm reminded that often when it feels like nothing seems to be going right, than that often means that satan is trying ten times harder to get you down because your strength and faith are stronger than he wants them to be.
As I continued to read on through the chapter and into chapter six which spoke more on the gift of righteousness I was struck with another inspirational passage. Actually, the entired chapter six I found very inspirational.
....to be continued.
Following in Steve's footsteps this morning I chose to get out of bed and immediately be with God as well. Most mornings I find myself not really sticking to a routine in which I either hit the shower or get on the computer first, but for the past week or so I haven't prayed in the mornings immediately like I've done before. So, I thankful for the leadership and inspiration to get up and do that this morning.
It was because of the inspiration that God sent me another one of His valuable lessons. One of my biggest "temptations", I guess you could say, is my lack of patience. Some times I have the ability to be very patient, but choose to let my fears and lack of trust in God and the other people involved get ready me to just do it myself. Perhaps this comes from my childhood or from my willingness to trust even though I've been burned, regardless, I am thankful for that as well. I'm thankful that each day God allows more opportunities to happen in order to practice another level of patience and trust.
Just yesterday I was worried and terrified that this was all a joke and that Steve wasn't really serious about wanting to be with me or get rid of his own sin problems in order to make our family whole again. I wasn't trusting of him or his abilities and I put too much stress on my own. After he left from dropping off some Juice Plus powder (for my morning shakes, which he didn't have to do, especially in giving me the new stuff and taking the older powder for himself) I fell into that dark place that I'd seen so many days before. I was sad because he was leaving, because I had to share him, because I was alone with no plans or friends of my own. It wasn't a lack of encouragement or proof that he genuinely cared for my well-being, it was simply that I allowed satan to attack me right then and I gave into to him. While I took a shower I began to cry because I was worried, so terrified. I cried out "God, please God. I'm scared! I'm so scared! I'm scared because I don't know if this is real or just fake again. I don't know if no one wants to be around me because of me or my illness. I just don't feel strong, like I know anything. I know that I need to practice patience and that I can't take this into my own hands and start making things happen instead of You. So, I give it to you. I give you the problems, I give you my husband, I give you those people who've said they want to be my friend and family. Lord, I'm trusting You even when I am afraid."
After my prayer and plea I picked myself up off the side of the shower and wiped my tears and continued with my shower. Afterwards I took a nap and I'd be lying if it wasn't hard to not do anything else. I think a part of me knew that if I got on the computer and started to e-mail people to try and help us find the money to pay for the treatment that we both wanted that I wouldn't be trusting God. Maybe by me sleeping it kept me busy and gave me the energy to keep going the rest of the night.
Not only did God show me last night that I can trust Him and trust His work through me and my Steve, but He showed me again today. It reminds me of a fortune stick that I got a while back, just before Steve decided that he wanted to help before. It had said, "You're heart will get what it desires." I remember thinking before Steve came around that it had to mean him and that our plans of renewing our vows was going to happen. I began to fantasize about what that would be like the second time around and for a little while I was glad that God had shown me my future and gave me something to look forward to. And while Steve was around I was glad because it was true, because I wasn't crazy for believing in a little stick, that it could come from God. But after Steve left again, I remember how I felt. I felt embarassed, ashamed, betrayed, disappointed, and tricked by that little stick. I was so angry at myself because it was plain and clear that I would get what my heart desired, which at the time was Steve, and I blew it...again. My fears blew it because I scared him away and that was my second chance, my saving grace from God and I blew it. But here's the greatest part...I didn't.
I think that the message on the stick was correct in that I will get my heart desires, but it doesn't mean solely one thing, or one person. I think it's a message for me to remember that timing and patience is everything in God's eyes. Just like today through the message He shared with me.
After my wonderful text message from Steve, which in itself had SO much to be thankful for, I wanted to make him proud by going to God as well. I wanted to because I knew I should, and I knew that I'd been missing the mark with God lately and that I needed to simply make the time, before anything else.
So, I began to read in Romans chapters 5 and 6. It's funny because I'd started reading a single passage in Romans 5 a few days ago when I was researching different areas of the Bible that spoke of character and patience. It begins with Romans 5:1-4 saying, "Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, be we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character hope."
At first when I read this the other day I focused on how it tells us if we can endure the troubles than we can find our hope through the character and wisdom that God strengthens in us. Today when I read back over the words I focused more in the words "glory in tribulations". Today, instead of finding inspiration and joy in knowing that I was going to become stronger in character if I kept on fighting, but rather took more joy in knowing that I should be glad through the tribulations because they, themselves are hopeful. I'm reminded that often when it feels like nothing seems to be going right, than that often means that satan is trying ten times harder to get you down because your strength and faith are stronger than he wants them to be.
As I continued to read on through the chapter and into chapter six which spoke more on the gift of righteousness I was struck with another inspirational passage. Actually, the entired chapter six I found very inspirational.
....to be continued.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Patience
Remember that I said in my last blog that I still had to write the rest of the blog before that; the one about patience? Well, I'm thinking that now is the best opportunity for me to do that. God really showed me today the importance of being slow to anger, not let my fears take over me, and to above all be quite and patient.
I started out this day mildly wrong. I woke up from a bad dream and before I could allow myself time to pray (#1 wrong choice) I let the fears and worries sink in. What did I do? I went immediately to the computer and started to e-mail (#2 wrong choice). Instead of giving encouragement I opened my mouth and wrath came out. I wasn't as hurtful as I could've been and in some ways maybe I wasn't hurtful at all, but I was wrong in sending the e-mails. I may not have been wrong about what needed to be said, but perhaps I was the wrong one to say it. I should've stopped, looked, and listened like I knew I should've done. If I had I would've heard God say, "Katie, you're being tested by satan. He's testing your strength by using the one person, with the one horrible thing, that gets to you the most. You've got to hold fast and be strong my daughter. You can't let him get to you like that because once he does, no matter how hard you try, he'll dig even deeper to try and tear you a part from you soul mate. Do you want that?"
A while back I pulled one of those infamous fortune sticks that I've talked about before. I appreciate that stick so much because it was a reminder that I speak so much louder with my words when they are negative than positive and much like weight management, it takes a lot longer to get rid of the weight of a negative comment than it does adding on the encouragement through positive comments. You can send positive after positive but all it takes is one negative to strike the core and all those little positives come tumbling down.
God also humbled me today and really put me in my place because I was starting to climb up that high horse again. As I'm sitting here thinking, I'm reminded of my own words just a few days ago that ALL of us are sinners and that ALL of us are going to be judged. If I'm not supposed to judge someone's choices because they're equivalent to my own. God sees no difference, sin is merely sin in His eyes. So today, we both sinned and it didn't matter what the difference was.
The only reason the choices and sin of someone else hurts is because you love that person and satan knew that by using them he was able to get to you. That's what he did to me this morning. He gave me bad dream set with characters from my fears and then he used me, through my language and negative encouragement to tear down someone I love dearly.
I hope that this afternoon we were able to counteract his efforts by forgiving each other and not judging each other for their choices of sin, but that's besides the point.
I'm just glad that He showed me this lesson, that he humbled me because this is something that is a constant struggle for me. Sometimes I simply just need to listen to my fortune stick when it reads, "You are aggressive. Be quiet and listen today."
I started out this day mildly wrong. I woke up from a bad dream and before I could allow myself time to pray (#1 wrong choice) I let the fears and worries sink in. What did I do? I went immediately to the computer and started to e-mail (#2 wrong choice). Instead of giving encouragement I opened my mouth and wrath came out. I wasn't as hurtful as I could've been and in some ways maybe I wasn't hurtful at all, but I was wrong in sending the e-mails. I may not have been wrong about what needed to be said, but perhaps I was the wrong one to say it. I should've stopped, looked, and listened like I knew I should've done. If I had I would've heard God say, "Katie, you're being tested by satan. He's testing your strength by using the one person, with the one horrible thing, that gets to you the most. You've got to hold fast and be strong my daughter. You can't let him get to you like that because once he does, no matter how hard you try, he'll dig even deeper to try and tear you a part from you soul mate. Do you want that?"
A while back I pulled one of those infamous fortune sticks that I've talked about before. I appreciate that stick so much because it was a reminder that I speak so much louder with my words when they are negative than positive and much like weight management, it takes a lot longer to get rid of the weight of a negative comment than it does adding on the encouragement through positive comments. You can send positive after positive but all it takes is one negative to strike the core and all those little positives come tumbling down.
God also humbled me today and really put me in my place because I was starting to climb up that high horse again. As I'm sitting here thinking, I'm reminded of my own words just a few days ago that ALL of us are sinners and that ALL of us are going to be judged. If I'm not supposed to judge someone's choices because they're equivalent to my own. God sees no difference, sin is merely sin in His eyes. So today, we both sinned and it didn't matter what the difference was.
The only reason the choices and sin of someone else hurts is because you love that person and satan knew that by using them he was able to get to you. That's what he did to me this morning. He gave me bad dream set with characters from my fears and then he used me, through my language and negative encouragement to tear down someone I love dearly.
I hope that this afternoon we were able to counteract his efforts by forgiving each other and not judging each other for their choices of sin, but that's besides the point.
I'm just glad that He showed me this lesson, that he humbled me because this is something that is a constant struggle for me. Sometimes I simply just need to listen to my fortune stick when it reads, "You are aggressive. Be quiet and listen today."
Monday, August 30, 2010
God's Butterflies
I know that I have still yet to finish my last blog but I wanted to immediately come home and write about this amazing experience that God has presented before me!
As I was headed out to the bank to put a down payment on my birthday present I was excited to see the beautiful yellow butterflies that flew in front of the car. "What a perfect day", I thought as I drove on. The wonderful weather, the bright sun; not too much heat, not too much humidity. It's marvelous.
As I'm driving along I hear a wonderful sermon on the radion (89.5 His Radio). Pastor Ron Vietti, of the Valley Bible Fellowship, was talking about how we can't change our behaviors without changing our character. The point he was trying to make was just that, that if we're trying to live a Christ-centered life than we can't do that unless we first #1 peel off our old self and become a new babe in the eyes of Christ through baptism. We then can't expect to see changes if we aren't willing to change our cores, our characters. He tells us that we sin and will continue to sin unless we change our ways and that doesn't mean just simply changing our behaviors. He says that God sets the bar with perfection, but we know that as humans we can never reach perfection, however, that we should strive to reach it in this life or the next because the consequences of not trying, of giving up are far too great to risk. We can read these accolades through the beautiful proclaimations found in Psalm 119 and several other places in the bible.
After paying the deposit I hopped back in the car and found myself listening to yet another wonderful message, however, this one was through the teachings of Brother Chris Engrim from livingontheedge.com. It was through this lesson that I reached another defining moment in which I knew I had to come home and write about it. He passionately talked about our actions and behaviors and what they would be if we only had seven days to live. As I listened I asked myself, what would I do if I had only seven more days to live? Would I have been on Facebook checking status' and comments? Would I be on hulu.com watching one of my favorite television shows? Would I spend my time sleeping because the stresses of life were too much to bare? He talked about procrastination and time management so that we can ensure our lives are whole and just through God, focused on Him ALWAYS!
What I've learned is that it's much like the life of those beautiful butterflies I kept seeing fly around my car as I drove to and from home. Perhaps that was God's message to me, that I really look to see what sin is in my life that I need to change in order to draw closer to him. In Pastor Ron's lesson he talked about an article he'd read in a newspaper here recently. He said that there was an 18 year old girl who was reported missing for 8 days after she disappeared from a party in Washington state. He said that when the reporters talked to the parents they presumed that she was dead because no one had heard of anyone living after 8 days of no food or water; the parents and town thought she was dead. He said that somehow a woman in the church in the same town read this article and began to pray for God to help her find this girl. She said that she had dream after dream of God telling her where to look in the woods for this girl and finally He told her to "GO! Find her!" So the woman took her daughter and went to the spot that she'd seen in her dream. When they were there she said she prayed for God to help the girl cry out to them so that they would know where she was and as they called out "We love you", the girl answered "I'm here. I think I'm in trouble because I broke curfew."
He talks about the point of checking our character is because the closer we are to God, the better He can use us. And the less sin there is in our lives, the better we are able to hear His message. He said that after a while if we allow sin to be in our lives, without footing it out each time we sin, it will start to cloud our judgement and will drown out the message that God's trying to put within us.
As I said before it reminded me those beautiful butterflies. Aren't we, God's children, ALL mankind His butterflies? Don't we all start as something so tiny and unseen into a beautiful butterfly that can and will gladly, joyfully spread its wings? In fact once a butterfly reaches the caterpillar state it grows to about 27,000 times the size it was when it first emerged from its egg. Isn't that God's will for us, to strive to grow 27,000 times larger than what we were at the beginning?
I also learned that the wings of butteflies are actually transparent and that their wings are made of irredescent scales that overlap like shingles on a roof to form a colorful wing. Isn't that God's beautiful design in us? He gives us layer after layer of unique and individual design which vibrantly could only have been created through His nourishment? Butterflies also learn how to taste with their feet and that they do not have mouths that bite or chew. "Tasting with our feet? Ew! And how in the world are we supposed to talk on the phone with no mouth?" Well, what if instead of literal we saw it as God wanted us to use our feet for the nourishment of our bodies, instead of our mouths. I think the power in this statement is in our actions. We can't just say we're christian or that we love God. Our nourishment, our strength, comes in seeking Him through our actions.
Lastly, may we see the beauty in God's design by knowing that the buttefly does not spin it's own cocoon as moths do often weaving with silken threads, however the caterpillar sheds its final skin to reveal a pupa. The pupal stage is only found in holometabolous insects, those that undergo a complete metamorphosis, going through four life stages; embryo, larva, pupa, and imago, which is often referred to as the mature or adult stage. Now, once the caterpillar sheds its final skin to reveal the pupa, the outer skin hardens to form a chrysalis which protects and hides the amazing transformation that is occurring inside.
Isn't that amazing; God's amazing plan for us can be seen through the beautiful transformation of a butteflies life!
In examining my own life and my own sin and really taking a look at the areas that are holding me back I'd like to end with a short prayer.
Dear Father,
Oh how beautiful and amazing your design for this world! I thank you with a heart full of gladness the ability to view such wonderful creations! Father, I close my mouth, humble myself, and simply ask that You search my heart and soul and help me see the areas where I have been wrong, where I have been delaying my own transformation and denying Your nourishment. Father, I thank you for the constant love and strength that you continue to give me each day, Father help me become Your butterfly.
In all your glory I pray through Christ's name,
Amen.
As I was headed out to the bank to put a down payment on my birthday present I was excited to see the beautiful yellow butterflies that flew in front of the car. "What a perfect day", I thought as I drove on. The wonderful weather, the bright sun; not too much heat, not too much humidity. It's marvelous.
As I'm driving along I hear a wonderful sermon on the radion (89.5 His Radio). Pastor Ron Vietti, of the Valley Bible Fellowship, was talking about how we can't change our behaviors without changing our character. The point he was trying to make was just that, that if we're trying to live a Christ-centered life than we can't do that unless we first #1 peel off our old self and become a new babe in the eyes of Christ through baptism. We then can't expect to see changes if we aren't willing to change our cores, our characters. He tells us that we sin and will continue to sin unless we change our ways and that doesn't mean just simply changing our behaviors. He says that God sets the bar with perfection, but we know that as humans we can never reach perfection, however, that we should strive to reach it in this life or the next because the consequences of not trying, of giving up are far too great to risk. We can read these accolades through the beautiful proclaimations found in Psalm 119 and several other places in the bible.
After paying the deposit I hopped back in the car and found myself listening to yet another wonderful message, however, this one was through the teachings of Brother Chris Engrim from livingontheedge.com. It was through this lesson that I reached another defining moment in which I knew I had to come home and write about it. He passionately talked about our actions and behaviors and what they would be if we only had seven days to live. As I listened I asked myself, what would I do if I had only seven more days to live? Would I have been on Facebook checking status' and comments? Would I be on hulu.com watching one of my favorite television shows? Would I spend my time sleeping because the stresses of life were too much to bare? He talked about procrastination and time management so that we can ensure our lives are whole and just through God, focused on Him ALWAYS!
What I've learned is that it's much like the life of those beautiful butterflies I kept seeing fly around my car as I drove to and from home. Perhaps that was God's message to me, that I really look to see what sin is in my life that I need to change in order to draw closer to him. In Pastor Ron's lesson he talked about an article he'd read in a newspaper here recently. He said that there was an 18 year old girl who was reported missing for 8 days after she disappeared from a party in Washington state. He said that when the reporters talked to the parents they presumed that she was dead because no one had heard of anyone living after 8 days of no food or water; the parents and town thought she was dead. He said that somehow a woman in the church in the same town read this article and began to pray for God to help her find this girl. She said that she had dream after dream of God telling her where to look in the woods for this girl and finally He told her to "GO! Find her!" So the woman took her daughter and went to the spot that she'd seen in her dream. When they were there she said she prayed for God to help the girl cry out to them so that they would know where she was and as they called out "We love you", the girl answered "I'm here. I think I'm in trouble because I broke curfew."
He talks about the point of checking our character is because the closer we are to God, the better He can use us. And the less sin there is in our lives, the better we are able to hear His message. He said that after a while if we allow sin to be in our lives, without footing it out each time we sin, it will start to cloud our judgement and will drown out the message that God's trying to put within us.
As I said before it reminded me those beautiful butterflies. Aren't we, God's children, ALL mankind His butterflies? Don't we all start as something so tiny and unseen into a beautiful butterfly that can and will gladly, joyfully spread its wings? In fact once a butterfly reaches the caterpillar state it grows to about 27,000 times the size it was when it first emerged from its egg. Isn't that God's will for us, to strive to grow 27,000 times larger than what we were at the beginning?
I also learned that the wings of butteflies are actually transparent and that their wings are made of irredescent scales that overlap like shingles on a roof to form a colorful wing. Isn't that God's beautiful design in us? He gives us layer after layer of unique and individual design which vibrantly could only have been created through His nourishment? Butterflies also learn how to taste with their feet and that they do not have mouths that bite or chew. "Tasting with our feet? Ew! And how in the world are we supposed to talk on the phone with no mouth?" Well, what if instead of literal we saw it as God wanted us to use our feet for the nourishment of our bodies, instead of our mouths. I think the power in this statement is in our actions. We can't just say we're christian or that we love God. Our nourishment, our strength, comes in seeking Him through our actions.
Lastly, may we see the beauty in God's design by knowing that the buttefly does not spin it's own cocoon as moths do often weaving with silken threads, however the caterpillar sheds its final skin to reveal a pupa. The pupal stage is only found in holometabolous insects, those that undergo a complete metamorphosis, going through four life stages; embryo, larva, pupa, and imago, which is often referred to as the mature or adult stage. Now, once the caterpillar sheds its final skin to reveal the pupa, the outer skin hardens to form a chrysalis which protects and hides the amazing transformation that is occurring inside.
Isn't that amazing; God's amazing plan for us can be seen through the beautiful transformation of a butteflies life!
In examining my own life and my own sin and really taking a look at the areas that are holding me back I'd like to end with a short prayer.
Dear Father,
Oh how beautiful and amazing your design for this world! I thank you with a heart full of gladness the ability to view such wonderful creations! Father, I close my mouth, humble myself, and simply ask that You search my heart and soul and help me see the areas where I have been wrong, where I have been delaying my own transformation and denying Your nourishment. Father, I thank you for the constant love and strength that you continue to give me each day, Father help me become Your butterfly.
In all your glory I pray through Christ's name,
Amen.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Patience
Today, I've got one thing on my mind. One idea that I just can't seem to understand and maybe the riddle of life is that we aren't supposed to understand everything. God's ways are His ways anyway and I get that. I get that we're not supposed to understand everything but we're supposed to hope, and love, and fear Him.
The past few days has been a whirlwind of emotion all over again. I've got from blissful, to manic, to depressive, to happy, to just plain okay. It's been an irratic and uncontrollable and I've realized more than anything today a few things.
Number one, sometimes it's easier to give advice than it is to truly retain it and use it yourself. In my last post I talked about how God's timing is perfect but I also talked about those defining moments where you are environmental, physically, emotionally, and spiritually forced to make a decision that's going to "define" how you live your life after that. Because God is such an amazing Father we get ample opportunities to make, what seems like the same choices over and over if we don't choose wisely the first time. He's a giver of opportunities and multiple chances...why? The simple answer is because His love for us is beyond any measure of doubt. He sent His son while we were all still sinners and while we all hated Jesus, He died for us. Maybe because we hear this story told over and over we aren't fully able to really take it in. It's not just a story in a book that some guy wrote a long time ago and we doubt ever truly existed. It's real as if it were today. And maybe because we hear it so much it's to be a reminder of such. Regardless, that's not the first point I'd like to make. Recently, my faith and love for God has been tested beyond measures and while I've fallen short on several occasions, ultimately I've chosen Him yet again. I believe that throughout my life God has given me numerous opportunities to stand up for myself and my beliefs, to have that push that I needed to enter that next part of the journey. Last night was sort of the last straw and it became more clear to me that's what was happening.
Satan was using the most important person in my life, the closest to my heart against me, and he was trying to destroy my faith. It's what he does best, but this seemed more tricky than he's ever been before, to which I can only assume his own fears of losing me. It's funny because a couple of nights ago I remember going to bed and saying, "bring it on satan, bring it on". He definitely listened and brought on more than I could possible take, but with the help from God's wisdom through a friend and scriptures and my heart I didn't crumble. Last night I had my defining moment and although it may seem small to some, or selfish to others, or fears to others, for me...it was the moment where I excelled in the next chapter of my life. It was extremely scary because I'm afraid that I'll lose that person that means the most to me, but at the same time I can't sacrifice myself or my own faith just to keep that person. I'd be doing no glory for God, no justice for myself, and nothing for that other person.
The second thing I wanted to talk about has to do with the first. Giving, or at thinking you give more than others give you. What I've begun to read in my 12 Steps book is that sometimes these are flaws that develop from a dysfunctional family growing up that has translated into unhealthy thinking that make you either think that people are just out to get the good guy, or to think that you're better than someone else because you self-sacrifice or whatever. From listening to Jay, pastor of Grand Strand Church of Christ, God tells us that we are ALL on equal ground and that we ALL are going to the judgement. This concept and idea is so humbling to me because thinking about it I'm reminded that my peers, the ones who choose to ignore me instead of reaching out and encouraging, or the people at work who choose to live a different life from mine, with different religious backgrounds...we are ALL on equal ground and we are ALL going to be judged one day. Maybe I'm rare in this thinking but at the same time I'm flawed too. I can judge as well but when I think about the fact that a gay friend or a murder or a rapist out in the world today...I try my best not to be hurt or offended by their actions because number 1 they were innocent babies too, number 2 they are humans who've chosen a different path than I, and number three they aren't wrong if they truly haven't found the right path yet. That path is God and Jesus Christ and it's our job to help them find it, with the wisdom and glory He gives to us to help them find it. It's not our job to judge or shame or condemn them. So this second topic isn't only directed towards the "worst of the worst" if you choose to look at it that way, it's directed towards all sinners, including myself and the sincerity of our intentions to edify and encourage others, not because we're the good guys and one day we'll be blessed because of it, but because we are children of God and this is our job, this is what we're paid for and if you're paid with nothing less than life with no riches but you have faith that God is Lord and Almighty than you're the one of the riches in the world, I'd say. So, when I get frustrated because I send a mass text to friends edifying and encouraging them to have a wonderful day it should be because I'm doing my job and not because I expect them to reach out to me when I'm sad. This is often where I am wrong and where I need to practice patience, which brings me to third topic I'd like to talk about.
However, I have to start getting ready for work so I'm going to go and I'll write more later after work. Thank you for taking the time in reading this post and my hope is that something in this blog has pierced your heart, giving you the notion to open your eyes and see that there just might be a defining moment right around the corner, waiting to be made. May I encourage you to fight the fears and take that first step; we'll do it together.
The past few days has been a whirlwind of emotion all over again. I've got from blissful, to manic, to depressive, to happy, to just plain okay. It's been an irratic and uncontrollable and I've realized more than anything today a few things.
Number one, sometimes it's easier to give advice than it is to truly retain it and use it yourself. In my last post I talked about how God's timing is perfect but I also talked about those defining moments where you are environmental, physically, emotionally, and spiritually forced to make a decision that's going to "define" how you live your life after that. Because God is such an amazing Father we get ample opportunities to make, what seems like the same choices over and over if we don't choose wisely the first time. He's a giver of opportunities and multiple chances...why? The simple answer is because His love for us is beyond any measure of doubt. He sent His son while we were all still sinners and while we all hated Jesus, He died for us. Maybe because we hear this story told over and over we aren't fully able to really take it in. It's not just a story in a book that some guy wrote a long time ago and we doubt ever truly existed. It's real as if it were today. And maybe because we hear it so much it's to be a reminder of such. Regardless, that's not the first point I'd like to make. Recently, my faith and love for God has been tested beyond measures and while I've fallen short on several occasions, ultimately I've chosen Him yet again. I believe that throughout my life God has given me numerous opportunities to stand up for myself and my beliefs, to have that push that I needed to enter that next part of the journey. Last night was sort of the last straw and it became more clear to me that's what was happening.
Satan was using the most important person in my life, the closest to my heart against me, and he was trying to destroy my faith. It's what he does best, but this seemed more tricky than he's ever been before, to which I can only assume his own fears of losing me. It's funny because a couple of nights ago I remember going to bed and saying, "bring it on satan, bring it on". He definitely listened and brought on more than I could possible take, but with the help from God's wisdom through a friend and scriptures and my heart I didn't crumble. Last night I had my defining moment and although it may seem small to some, or selfish to others, or fears to others, for me...it was the moment where I excelled in the next chapter of my life. It was extremely scary because I'm afraid that I'll lose that person that means the most to me, but at the same time I can't sacrifice myself or my own faith just to keep that person. I'd be doing no glory for God, no justice for myself, and nothing for that other person.
The second thing I wanted to talk about has to do with the first. Giving, or at thinking you give more than others give you. What I've begun to read in my 12 Steps book is that sometimes these are flaws that develop from a dysfunctional family growing up that has translated into unhealthy thinking that make you either think that people are just out to get the good guy, or to think that you're better than someone else because you self-sacrifice or whatever. From listening to Jay, pastor of Grand Strand Church of Christ, God tells us that we are ALL on equal ground and that we ALL are going to the judgement. This concept and idea is so humbling to me because thinking about it I'm reminded that my peers, the ones who choose to ignore me instead of reaching out and encouraging, or the people at work who choose to live a different life from mine, with different religious backgrounds...we are ALL on equal ground and we are ALL going to be judged one day. Maybe I'm rare in this thinking but at the same time I'm flawed too. I can judge as well but when I think about the fact that a gay friend or a murder or a rapist out in the world today...I try my best not to be hurt or offended by their actions because number 1 they were innocent babies too, number 2 they are humans who've chosen a different path than I, and number three they aren't wrong if they truly haven't found the right path yet. That path is God and Jesus Christ and it's our job to help them find it, with the wisdom and glory He gives to us to help them find it. It's not our job to judge or shame or condemn them. So this second topic isn't only directed towards the "worst of the worst" if you choose to look at it that way, it's directed towards all sinners, including myself and the sincerity of our intentions to edify and encourage others, not because we're the good guys and one day we'll be blessed because of it, but because we are children of God and this is our job, this is what we're paid for and if you're paid with nothing less than life with no riches but you have faith that God is Lord and Almighty than you're the one of the riches in the world, I'd say. So, when I get frustrated because I send a mass text to friends edifying and encouraging them to have a wonderful day it should be because I'm doing my job and not because I expect them to reach out to me when I'm sad. This is often where I am wrong and where I need to practice patience, which brings me to third topic I'd like to talk about.
However, I have to start getting ready for work so I'm going to go and I'll write more later after work. Thank you for taking the time in reading this post and my hope is that something in this blog has pierced your heart, giving you the notion to open your eyes and see that there just might be a defining moment right around the corner, waiting to be made. May I encourage you to fight the fears and take that first step; we'll do it together.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Brooke Christl- "Beautiful Me" Photoshoot!
Cross your fingers that I contacted Betty, office manager for Brooke Christl Photography in time because if so that means I'm DOING THE BEAUTIFUL ME PHOTOSHOOT!!!!!!! Yay! This is huge because not only is this something that I've wanted to do for a while but it's the only thing I wanted for my 25th birthday in October! I didn't think it would happen because of money but they lowered the price so now with this special deal I'll be saving $200 AND the photos will be ready for my birthday! Yay! I'm so excited but like I said, 'cross your fingers'!
Just had to share!
Just had to share!
Friday, August 27, 2010
"The Poor Man's Hollywood"
It's been a few days, alright, it's been since Monday that I've written and so far I haven't quite kept up with my end of the bargain have I? I set out to write every day and I've obviously fallen short, but tonight I'm reminded that it's okay. It's okay sometimes to fall short of your goals, especially when you can find your resolve to get back up and strive again.
I'm in the middle of reading some very real and interesting information that's really going to, and is helping me understand more about myself. I'm learning the ins and outs of my illness and really learning when to take proactive steps to prevent hurtful symptoms that are truly, uncontrollable.
What I mean is that I'll always have this illness inside of me, which is the 'uncontrollable' part, but what I can control are my own preventative measures that surround this condition and truly that surround life. I know that I cannot control my environment such as the weather or what peers think and do, but I can control how I will react to the unknown. Instead of fearing it God lets us know that He is there and to rest on Him through our doubts so that we may pass through that barrier of fear and know that there is hope. He tells us to trust in Him when we are afraid, weak, and weary of life.
While I was on break from this book I've been reading I went down to the laundry room to switch my clothes over to the dryer. At first I was motivated to come straight home and pick back up where I left off in my book. I felt like there was a pressure in getting as much information as possible tonight, but God had other plans.
Remember last week I wrote about a man by the name of Jamie Simms? He was the author who started talking to me while I was at work one day about his life and his tribulations. Well, God did it again.
I wasn't able to catch her name but she had the sweetest eyes I've seen in a while. They were the palest of blue, which seemed to compliment her translucent skin. Her face was no doubt worn from the years but her skin looked soft and pure, wholesome and healthy might be better words. She looked so delicate.
As I began loading a load of white clothes into the washer she began talking to me about the weather and how she'd moved here from Florida partially because she'd heard that the weather wasn't as hot. At this comment I began to chuckle knowing that if I've learned anything from 15 years in Myrtle Beach, it's that the weather, specifically the humidity, isn't as comforting as some of the tourist would hope for; unless you have very dry skin, in which the humidity would help that tremendously. Still, I stood there thinking "yeah, no kidding!"
As she began to tell me about her recent desire to change her surroundings I became more interested in her words. I thought, I could certainly appreciate when she'd said, "when you find out that you're sick you just realize that you don't want to be alone anymore so you change it". She didn't talk about what was wrong with her, which I thought was refreshingly different considering we live in a world where most people take a victimizing stance on life, where everything just seems to happen to them and that allows them to act the way that they act, or be the people they choose to be. Well, yes, you can choose to be someone who sits with self-pity or you can choose to be someone who makes their own set of circumstances instead of letting the uncontrollable define you as a victim. It became clear that she was the latter.
She'd chosen to research her options and retirement facility in VA, where she'd originally lived before moving to Florida. She went on to tell me about all of the perks of living in such a facility that provides care for the elderly and disabled. They have their own grocery market and library/computer lab. They provide services such as grocery shopping, laundry, and cleaning services. They provide a bus to transport and set up "trips" to travel the local areas, and Wal-mart if necessary, on-site physical therapists, and personal pharmaceutical deliveries. From her excitement it was clear that she has grown very passionate in relocating to this particular facility and has made that decision to change her surroundings in order to become the healthier, happier person that she wants to be. She's gotten to that point in her life when she knows she's getting older, she knows she wants change, she knows she wants acceptance, and she knows she's the only one that's going to make it happen for herself, just like her decision to leave Florida.
"The poor man's Hollywood", as she'd named the state of Florida. Her description of Floridians seemed spot on in some areas, but in others were a little too judgemental. She'd said that the whole place just seemed like they were trying too hard to be something that they weren't. She said that they weren't nice in that "they went out of their way to be rude". She used words such as "aggressive", "fake", "showy", and even "unsophisticated". She explained that most people she'd seen did things that just weren't right or moral for humans to do, like drinking on the job, or an employee smashing glass bottles in the super market parking lot. "A lot of drinkers and partiers", she'd said. She said that a lot of people drove nice cars but they didn't have any money and that they just had this sort of better than everyone attitude about life. She said that the aggressiveness was ultimately the last straw in her decision to move here.
Of course I bare no judgement on Floridians because I, myself, haven't really had bad experiences with Floridians, however, I have not lived there. In fact, one of Steve's best friends of 15 years has lived in Florida for quite some time, which on one level made me snicker at some of the words she'd chosen to use because they were the same words I would've used to describe him. Regardless, my judgement remains mute simply for the fact that I know that people all have different opinions and perceptions of life in general.
It's not so much that it's Florida, the state, but rather the times in life when things are aggressive and uncontrollable. When life around you is seemingly so uncontrollable that it can put you in such a state of depression, but that it doesn't have to. There is hope that there is something that you can control, especially in the midst of chaos.
I think the importance of this experience was that she got to a point in her life where she realized that something wasn't working for her and she knew and took the responsibility of taking that next step to change it. I admired that about her because even in her rant she never once gave me the indication that she was proud of such an achievement. That's not to say that she's not happy with her decision or proud that she changed her life, because I'm sure she is, but she wasn't boastful about it. There was a certain sense of control, and ease in her actions, a comfort in knowing that she was alone and that she did have the strength, regardless of her circumstances.
A few days ago something miraculous happened. Actually, a few amazing things happened in my own life that has brought me admiration for meeting this woman in the laundry room. A few days ago I started a bible study called "Soul Shaping: Disciplines that conform you to the image of Christ". It's written by Tim Wilson and was a gift I'd received last year for Christmas. In the beginning of chapter one of this study the author talks about not only the value of God's impeccable timing but also those defining moments that we experience in life. A defining moment is "a critical juncture when you must make a decision that will have significance ramifications for the future direction of your life".
First, I'd like to acknowledge the value of God's impeccable timing in sharing with you one of the stories the author used.
"Timing is everything
The period of the judges was the "wild, wild West" of biblical times, featuring battles between Israel and its enemies, the Moabites, the Philistines, the Amalekites, and the Ammonites. One of the judges, Samson, exercised great feats of strength. This colorful character used the jawbone of a donkey as a weapon to defeat the Philistines (see Judges 15:15) and killed a lion with his bare hands; later he returned and ate honey from its carcass (see Judges 14:6-9). Another judge, Gideon, was the youngest son from the weakest family in Manasseh; yet God used him to defeat the Midianites and the Amalekites. Under God's direction he whittled down the army from 22,000 to 300 troops before they attacked and defeated the Midianites with trumpets, fire, and swords (see Judges 7).
Another judge of Israel was Deborah (see Judges 4:5). I know I am stating the obvious, but Deborah was a woman. Many people have the mistaken notion that God is seist. Perhaps they are confusing the Bible's cultural setting with its message. While much of Scripture is set in a repressive culture, the Bible's message is liberating, showing the value of all human life. All people are created in God's image-men and women alike. Furthermore, all have sinned and fallen short of God's glory. The apostle Paul gave the definitive word on all humanity's equality before God when he wrote, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nore female: for yea are all one in Christ Jesus." (Gal. 3:28, KJV).
Deborah was more than just a judge. She was the only judge described as a prophetess'. Like Moses before her, she spoke to the people for God during a difficult time in their history. God didn't choose Deborah as a judge and a prophetess to be inclusive. HE chose the best person for the job, and she excelled in it.
The times demanded a strong leader. The people of God were captives in Canaan under Jabin, the king of Canaan, and Sisera, his commander. General Barak and his army were doing nothing about the situation, so Deborah summoned him to her court and said to him, "Hasn't the Lord, the God of Israel, commanded [you]: 'Go, deploy [the troops] on Mount Tabor, and take with you 10,000 men from the Naphtalites and Zebulunites'?" (see Judges 4:6).
Deborah took a no-nonsense approach with Barak: she called him out for his laziness, fear, and doubt, demanding that he account for his inaction. She reminded him that God had already promised that He would lure Sisera and his army into a location where Israel's army would prevail against them. Barak agreed to go but only if Deborah would go with him. She consented to go into battle with Barak, but she warned him that his conquest would be void of honor and that he would not defeat Sisera. God would use a woman to do that.
Timing was everything. They needed to launch the attack at just the right time. How would Deborah know when to attack? Ten thousand men followed Barak into battle, while Sisera brought nine hundred iron chariots to the theater of operations. Barak followed Deborah, and Deborah followed God. She depended on Him to know when the time was right.
When the time was right, Deborah told Barak to attack. Timing was everything. They needed the element of surprise. Deborah relied on God to give her the wisdom she needed to discern the proper time to give the attack order.
When the army of the Lord descended on Canaan's army, the Lord confused the enemy, and the Lord's army was triumphant. It destroyed everyone except Sisera, who left his chariot and fled on foot to find sanctuary in the home of a friend. The friend's wife welcomed him into their tent and offered him something to drink. Exhausted, he asked her to stand watch for him while he got some sleep. As he drifted off, he didn't know that he would never awake. Using a tent stake, the woman killed him in his sleep. Meanwhile, Barak, filled with confidence from the battle, led a hunt for Sisera. When Barak arrived at the tent, Heber's wife showed Barak Sisera's dead body. As Deborah had prophesied, God used a woman to defeat Sisera. "That day God subdued Jabin king of Canaan before the Israelites. The power of the Israelites continued to increase against Jabin king of Canaan until they destroyed him" (see Judges 4:23-24). God's timing was right.
Again, a defining moment is a critical juncture when you must make a decision that will have significant ramifications for the future direction of your life. Albeit a woman who needed to move out of an aggressive atmosphere to find a sense of friendship, community, and peace; or a woman who chooses to let God define her life and behaviors instead of a mental illness; or a man who enters the battle of recovering from years of addiction. The hope is knowing that God's timing is right!
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