Right about now I feel like I'm eating everything in sight like some goat or something. What is going on? AHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
In other news....I've got 24 more ounces of water to drink and 15 minutes until my challenges for today are complete! Yay!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Daily Challenge: 1
Today I'm going to challenge myself to drink 8-8 ounce glasses of water. I'm usually very good about drinking water, however, lately I've been drinking apple juice and cranberry juice, which isn't too bad considering it's not like soda. I've finished my cranberry juice and I want to focus on drinking more water again. So today, 8-8 ounce glasses of water!
My second challenge for today will be staying off of Facebook for the remainder of the night. I know, it doesn't seem like it should be much of a challenge but everytime I connect with the internet I find myself checking both e-mails and immediately after, my facebook. So, to limit my usuage and to discipline myself I will be challening myself to no Facebook for the rest of the day.
My third challenge today will be limited text messaging to one person in particular. Nothing against this person or texting, however, it's a similar situation as Facebook. I need to discipline myself, again, to think beyond only wanting to communicate with this person. I've got to remember to protect my heart and at the same time be kind, patient, and understanding.
Those are my challenges today.
My second challenge for today will be staying off of Facebook for the remainder of the night. I know, it doesn't seem like it should be much of a challenge but everytime I connect with the internet I find myself checking both e-mails and immediately after, my facebook. So, to limit my usuage and to discipline myself I will be challening myself to no Facebook for the rest of the day.
My third challenge today will be limited text messaging to one person in particular. Nothing against this person or texting, however, it's a similar situation as Facebook. I need to discipline myself, again, to think beyond only wanting to communicate with this person. I've got to remember to protect my heart and at the same time be kind, patient, and understanding.
Those are my challenges today.
Week One: A Spiritual Journey: A Working Guide to Healing
A couple of posts ago I talked about a workbook that I had begun working through during my time spent in Shelocta, PA. In that recent post I aslo talked about using my blog as my accountability partner and small support group. Starting with this blog I'll summarize Week One through Week Four before I begin work on each Step.
In the last blog that I wrote I talked about the preparation and readiness that we must have in order to be useful to God's will. Such is this journey we're beginning as well. If you think about a company that usually hires from outside their regular employees most will agree that the sole purpose is to train a fresh mind.
Some of the benefits of working a workbook like this, twelves steps, helps to reclaim our birthright as children of a compassionate God. We were created in His image and have the gift of free will. The journey we are about to begin is intended to awaken us to God's grace and give us opportunity to experience peaceful and productive living. Feelings of unworthiness, anxiety, and inferiority diminsh and are replaced by spiritual strength and virtues. Focusing on our new relationship with God transforms our obsessive need for other people's approval. Our attention is, instead, captivated by the promise of new life in Christ. Ask yourself, What personal need brings you to this meeting or step study? Describe your practice of prayer, Bible reading, or quiet time.
The twelves steps takes us from a life of confusion and grief to a place of peace and serenity-one day at a time. Many changes will happen, however, they will not happen all at once. This process will take time, devotion, and patience. God, in His time, instills in us the strength of character that only comes from a healthy relationship with Him. Describe your present spiritual condition.
Because of the chaotic conditions of our childhood, we developed behaviors that now sabotage and assault the successful management of our lives as adults. Having grown up in emotionally repressive families, we became accustomed to denying our pain and discomfort. Most of us found it necessary to shut down our feelings and keep everything locked inside. We learned that expressing our own wants and needs caused rejection. This rejection stimulated intense feelings of inadequacy. Recall one painful incident from childhood.
In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensate for our repressed feelings by doing things to extreme. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood-altering substances such as drugs and alcohol. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feeling? How do these behaviors affect the rest of your life?
The healing process begins when we look honestly at ourselves. We see the chaotic conditions of our lives as a result of not being prepared for adult relationships and responsibilities. God has given us free will. We can choose several ways of relating to the people and events in our lives. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Some of us were taught to believe that, if we are Christians, our lives will "automatically" be in order, and we will experience peace and serenity. Yet many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Time, patience, and commitment to God's principles and ways are required to change. And our Christian experience doesn't magically erase the pain or consequences of the past. Instead, our faith empowers us to live life according to God's will.
For Christians who suffer from and addictive disease, or who are the product of a family with addictive traits, the Church's message can sometimes be perceived as shaming. This can keep a person from seeking recovery. There is rarely confusion, however, when the Church's message is honesty. The Bible modeled this honesty by documenting the strengths and weaknesses of God's people. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean that we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfection means we need God, and that's OK. True recovery begins as we work the spiritual principles embodied in the twelve steps. It is most easily accomplished when we acknowledge our need for help, comfort, and courage to face our problems.
Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendency to deny your need for healing.
Standing before the Lord and seeking his healing grace does not automatically relieve us of the conseqences of our past behavior. We do find, however, that by asking God for help in facing our old behaviors, we are able to begin the work of change and healing. Diligently seeking God's will for us and working the material in this book enables us to reexamine our relationship with God. With the help of God's grace we experience changes in our unwanted behaviors such as people pleasing, repressed anger, obsessive thinking, or inappropriate sexual behavior. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow?
With God's power, the twelve step program can be a tool to relieve our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.
In the last blog that I wrote I talked about the preparation and readiness that we must have in order to be useful to God's will. Such is this journey we're beginning as well. If you think about a company that usually hires from outside their regular employees most will agree that the sole purpose is to train a fresh mind.
Some of the benefits of working a workbook like this, twelves steps, helps to reclaim our birthright as children of a compassionate God. We were created in His image and have the gift of free will. The journey we are about to begin is intended to awaken us to God's grace and give us opportunity to experience peaceful and productive living. Feelings of unworthiness, anxiety, and inferiority diminsh and are replaced by spiritual strength and virtues. Focusing on our new relationship with God transforms our obsessive need for other people's approval. Our attention is, instead, captivated by the promise of new life in Christ. Ask yourself, What personal need brings you to this meeting or step study? Describe your practice of prayer, Bible reading, or quiet time.
The twelves steps takes us from a life of confusion and grief to a place of peace and serenity-one day at a time. Many changes will happen, however, they will not happen all at once. This process will take time, devotion, and patience. God, in His time, instills in us the strength of character that only comes from a healthy relationship with Him. Describe your present spiritual condition.
Because of the chaotic conditions of our childhood, we developed behaviors that now sabotage and assault the successful management of our lives as adults. Having grown up in emotionally repressive families, we became accustomed to denying our pain and discomfort. Most of us found it necessary to shut down our feelings and keep everything locked inside. We learned that expressing our own wants and needs caused rejection. This rejection stimulated intense feelings of inadequacy. Recall one painful incident from childhood.
In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensate for our repressed feelings by doing things to extreme. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood-altering substances such as drugs and alcohol. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feeling? How do these behaviors affect the rest of your life?
The healing process begins when we look honestly at ourselves. We see the chaotic conditions of our lives as a result of not being prepared for adult relationships and responsibilities. God has given us free will. We can choose several ways of relating to the people and events in our lives. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Some of us were taught to believe that, if we are Christians, our lives will "automatically" be in order, and we will experience peace and serenity. Yet many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Time, patience, and commitment to God's principles and ways are required to change. And our Christian experience doesn't magically erase the pain or consequences of the past. Instead, our faith empowers us to live life according to God's will.
For Christians who suffer from and addictive disease, or who are the product of a family with addictive traits, the Church's message can sometimes be perceived as shaming. This can keep a person from seeking recovery. There is rarely confusion, however, when the Church's message is honesty. The Bible modeled this honesty by documenting the strengths and weaknesses of God's people. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean that we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfection means we need God, and that's OK. True recovery begins as we work the spiritual principles embodied in the twelve steps. It is most easily accomplished when we acknowledge our need for help, comfort, and courage to face our problems.
Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendency to deny your need for healing.
Standing before the Lord and seeking his healing grace does not automatically relieve us of the conseqences of our past behavior. We do find, however, that by asking God for help in facing our old behaviors, we are able to begin the work of change and healing. Diligently seeking God's will for us and working the material in this book enables us to reexamine our relationship with God. With the help of God's grace we experience changes in our unwanted behaviors such as people pleasing, repressed anger, obsessive thinking, or inappropriate sexual behavior. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow?
With God's power, the twelve step program can be a tool to relieve our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.
Hope for the broken hearted
As I promised here I am, writing. When I thought about writing earlier I didn't really think of what to say, so I just decided to think a little bit more about the inspiration to my blog post for today. It wasn't necessarily that I was out of ideas but rather that I had too many. As it often goes I had to organize my mental filing cabinet, deciding where the ideas were going to go before anything could actually make it in the files. Yeah, maybe that metaphor was a little too comlex for this time of night. haha.
Either way, I'm here.
I wanted to write about a simple prayer I'd had for the past few nights actually, which first I must say that I used to think that prayers worked like throwing coins in the wishing well where if you tell someone what you wished for it wouldn't come true. I've since realized that prayer isn't quite the same. Recently, I've started to pray that God mold me and make me into an able body to better serve His will. I've realized that through the past few months I couldn't help others the way that I was supposed to because I was so selfishly caught up in my own injuries to truly help with theirs. I know now that it's necessary for us to go through certain circumstantial situations in order to truly have the tools to not only sympathize but empathize and encourage others.
I also wanted to write about the broken-hearted and how such a little "word" could bring so much meaning and fullness to that of a broken heart. Hope. You see it was through my prayer to God that He was able to show me my hope. My hope in the purpose and plan He had for me, the hope in the beauty of my circumstances, the hope for the future anew.
Yesterday was a relatively great day! I really couldn't complain too much because I'd slept for so long, which made me feel like I'd caught up and was rested well enough to get through the night at work. I'd also taken the opportunity to enjoy lunch with a special friend of mine which was nice just getting to know another person for no other reason than to simply add to the knowledge of human behaviors and pure love and concern for their well being. As I went to work, positively being proactive with my mood by listening to my K-LOVE 88.9 in the car I started to think about the possibilities in my life again. I quickly became inspired to truly get going in my own healing process because time is so impatient.
Not only ten minutes was I at work and a man by the name of Jamie Simms came in to our store very interestingly. I had been at the front of the store greeting new guests in and out and as I was talking with another employee I was interested to see why this particular man had been standing closely as if he needed something. So I asked if there was anything I could help him find and as I walked towards him I felt such an urge to talk with him. He wasn't a particularily "interesting" looking man, but there's was just something about him that I knew I needed to talk to him because he was someone of importance. I departed from the employee and we began to talk about the Halloween decorations a certain pumpkin he'd been searching for since his last visit to our store. I was quick to show him where the item was located and he began to tell me about himself. As he walked through the front door I remember wondering why he was carrying a manilla folder with what looked like clippings from a newspaper but I wasn't about to ask him what it was. As he talked more about himself he then showed me what he'd brought with him. I'd learned that he was a broken heart as well. Perhaps he was brought to me for guidance, or just simply a kind smile, but there was a reason he'd come into our store... far greater than any pumpkin he'd see the week before.
I was in awe at the amount of information that this man shared with me and as he continued to talk I could feel my heart build and understand what he might be feeling. He'd told me of his newest achievement of writing his first, self-published horror novel and while I don't particularily like reading horror novels, especially those with creepy children as the main characters, I felt his pride through his words. He showed me the artwork for his book as well as the photograph he used to fill the back cover of the book. It wasn't in this information that I could relate but it was in that his girlfriend recently left him and he'd been apparently robbed of his first novel, "stolen" by the first publishing house he'd lost $40,000 to. So it was in those words that he was telling me that I could relate my feelings of neglect and hopelessness.
I felt such admiration to even be standing with such an interesting character, to be doing God's will by giving him advice and a testimony of my own recent attacks of faith. I'd told him that at the end of the day he had to know that if his love for his novel is what got him through to never give that up for anyone, but to know that there is hope in loving himself again. He'd been so hurt and I could tell because his constant usage of the word "alone" or "lonely", but I advised him that if he could get to a point where being "alone" was a gift and not a burden because of something he'd done wrong, than he'd find the person he desired because they would seek him.
After a little more conversation I began to see the appreciate on his face for my kind words and my patient responses and the intense concern I shared for this perfect stranger. He'd said, "and then I find and meet cool and sweet people like you and you're all married." At the end of our meeting I concluded my concern and appreciation for him with eye contact and a firm handshake thanking him for taking the time to share his story with me. As he turned around and began to walk out I could feel my heart smiling because it was just what I'd prayed for the night before. God had done it once again. He'd given me even more hope that He had before. He'd helped use my pain and struggle and the lessons I learned to help someone else through theirs. It only made me turn around with a happy, excited, bounce as I took comfort in knowing what I was now capable of.
The moral of the story isn't simply to be proud of yourself and what you do. God dwells in us. He is the one that's making this all possible, but we have to prepare ourselves for His work through us. Sometimes even in those darkest of days if all you can do is move slowly, staggered, and blinded...the purpose is to keep moving because eventually the path becomes narrow, straight, firm with His glory lighting your way.
As I close may I ask that tonight, even if you think you're "good" with God, to ask Him to mold you and make you to better do His will; that you not only see others through His eyes but that He give you the strength and the hope to be both willing and able to better serve Him. An influential woman once told me that sometimes you just have to finish the race. Just keep moving and He'll help you find the right path.
Either way, I'm here.
I wanted to write about a simple prayer I'd had for the past few nights actually, which first I must say that I used to think that prayers worked like throwing coins in the wishing well where if you tell someone what you wished for it wouldn't come true. I've since realized that prayer isn't quite the same. Recently, I've started to pray that God mold me and make me into an able body to better serve His will. I've realized that through the past few months I couldn't help others the way that I was supposed to because I was so selfishly caught up in my own injuries to truly help with theirs. I know now that it's necessary for us to go through certain circumstantial situations in order to truly have the tools to not only sympathize but empathize and encourage others.
I also wanted to write about the broken-hearted and how such a little "word" could bring so much meaning and fullness to that of a broken heart. Hope. You see it was through my prayer to God that He was able to show me my hope. My hope in the purpose and plan He had for me, the hope in the beauty of my circumstances, the hope for the future anew.
Yesterday was a relatively great day! I really couldn't complain too much because I'd slept for so long, which made me feel like I'd caught up and was rested well enough to get through the night at work. I'd also taken the opportunity to enjoy lunch with a special friend of mine which was nice just getting to know another person for no other reason than to simply add to the knowledge of human behaviors and pure love and concern for their well being. As I went to work, positively being proactive with my mood by listening to my K-LOVE 88.9 in the car I started to think about the possibilities in my life again. I quickly became inspired to truly get going in my own healing process because time is so impatient.
Not only ten minutes was I at work and a man by the name of Jamie Simms came in to our store very interestingly. I had been at the front of the store greeting new guests in and out and as I was talking with another employee I was interested to see why this particular man had been standing closely as if he needed something. So I asked if there was anything I could help him find and as I walked towards him I felt such an urge to talk with him. He wasn't a particularily "interesting" looking man, but there's was just something about him that I knew I needed to talk to him because he was someone of importance. I departed from the employee and we began to talk about the Halloween decorations a certain pumpkin he'd been searching for since his last visit to our store. I was quick to show him where the item was located and he began to tell me about himself. As he walked through the front door I remember wondering why he was carrying a manilla folder with what looked like clippings from a newspaper but I wasn't about to ask him what it was. As he talked more about himself he then showed me what he'd brought with him. I'd learned that he was a broken heart as well. Perhaps he was brought to me for guidance, or just simply a kind smile, but there was a reason he'd come into our store... far greater than any pumpkin he'd see the week before.
I was in awe at the amount of information that this man shared with me and as he continued to talk I could feel my heart build and understand what he might be feeling. He'd told me of his newest achievement of writing his first, self-published horror novel and while I don't particularily like reading horror novels, especially those with creepy children as the main characters, I felt his pride through his words. He showed me the artwork for his book as well as the photograph he used to fill the back cover of the book. It wasn't in this information that I could relate but it was in that his girlfriend recently left him and he'd been apparently robbed of his first novel, "stolen" by the first publishing house he'd lost $40,000 to. So it was in those words that he was telling me that I could relate my feelings of neglect and hopelessness.
I felt such admiration to even be standing with such an interesting character, to be doing God's will by giving him advice and a testimony of my own recent attacks of faith. I'd told him that at the end of the day he had to know that if his love for his novel is what got him through to never give that up for anyone, but to know that there is hope in loving himself again. He'd been so hurt and I could tell because his constant usage of the word "alone" or "lonely", but I advised him that if he could get to a point where being "alone" was a gift and not a burden because of something he'd done wrong, than he'd find the person he desired because they would seek him.
After a little more conversation I began to see the appreciate on his face for my kind words and my patient responses and the intense concern I shared for this perfect stranger. He'd said, "and then I find and meet cool and sweet people like you and you're all married." At the end of our meeting I concluded my concern and appreciation for him with eye contact and a firm handshake thanking him for taking the time to share his story with me. As he turned around and began to walk out I could feel my heart smiling because it was just what I'd prayed for the night before. God had done it once again. He'd given me even more hope that He had before. He'd helped use my pain and struggle and the lessons I learned to help someone else through theirs. It only made me turn around with a happy, excited, bounce as I took comfort in knowing what I was now capable of.
The moral of the story isn't simply to be proud of yourself and what you do. God dwells in us. He is the one that's making this all possible, but we have to prepare ourselves for His work through us. Sometimes even in those darkest of days if all you can do is move slowly, staggered, and blinded...the purpose is to keep moving because eventually the path becomes narrow, straight, firm with His glory lighting your way.
As I close may I ask that tonight, even if you think you're "good" with God, to ask Him to mold you and make you to better do His will; that you not only see others through His eyes but that He give you the strength and the hope to be both willing and able to better serve Him. An influential woman once told me that sometimes you just have to finish the race. Just keep moving and He'll help you find the right path.
Friday, August 20, 2010
"Hilarity Insued"
A friend of mine often says "hilarity insues" or "insued" when he's telling a story. I usually think of this friend as an intelligent, inquisitive, and intellectual friend whos 'hilarity' is sure to make any story dramatic and interesting.
Here's mine for today! As most of my phone contacts know I sent a mass text message to all of them wishing their day as spectacular as mine had been. Some responded with a simple, "thanks. U 2" or a "It has been. How's your day?" My typical response to all them who asked was "Mine has been the same. Spectacular!" What made the morning spectacular could have very well been the ten hours of sleep that I got after turning my phone off and leaving my alarm clock unplugged. It most likely was because I woke up feeling more refreshed for having the day off to do whatever I wanted to do for fun. I wasted time, although now I don't see it as a "waste". I spent time reading a chapter in a book, writing for my blog, and treated myself to lunch. I didn't make any lists of things that I had to get done today and decided that today was just going to be fun, no matter what.
The funny part about this day actually happened a few days ago when another friend of mine sent me a text message telling me what his fortune cookie read for that day, which got me thinking about the box of fortune sticks I'd bought way back when I worked at Pier 1 Imports. At the time I think I bought them for a friend for Christmas but never gave it to him. Yeah, as matter of fact I bought it for a friend who used to be a pin-pal in the Army that was, at the time, overseas. I'd bought them for his care package but I didn't get it out on time; typical Katie fashion but that's beside the point. After my friend Andy told me his fortune I decided to go back to playfully pulling these sticks to see what mine would be. For the past month or so my friend Brantley and I would make fun of the fortunes I'd pick because they almost always came true in some way or another, even the most ridiculous ones.
Instead of just choosing one I'd gotten in the habit of pulling three, one at a time. I'm not sure the significance; perhaps a two out of three ratio or something like that justifying my choice in pulling only three. Either way...to the story.
The first stick read: "A friend has traveled far and from this you will both benefit." At first I thought that maybe this means literally; maybe a friend would surprise me with a visit, but it didn't happen. So then I thought that maybe it meant that a friend would reach out, far beyond their comfort zone and into unknown territory, and from this we would both benefit from it. Well, yesterday I received one of the best messages I'd ever gotten. It was a true testament to God's power and love and grace through His children. It was a message from an unlikely person who could have easily been angered by me or my actions, but chose grace instead. She told me that she was thankful I was a part of her husbands past life and gave me hope that I did more good than bad and that I should take pride in knowing that God will help me through my struggles. I was grateful to no end!
The final stick read: "You are loved for the way you are. Don't try to be different." It speaks for itself but on that day gave me more empowerment to wear what I wanted to wear, be who I wanted to be...because me, Katie, is enough!
The second stick, which ended up being the one that I just passed over as "nah, not true" read: "You will soon be moving." At first, like I said, I passed over it because I knew I didn't have the money to move, nor the desire, and I was sure that this meant literally. I had given it some thought yesterday remembering that my parents gave me an opportunity to manage their juice bars but it would mean moving to Jacksonville, NC and I had already told them that this wasn't a a great time in my life. Then I'd thought it might mean that I was supposed to take the opportunity to join the National Guard like I had looked into doing a few months ago. Just this morning I finally realized it had to be more than literal because God has given me such a wonderful opportunity to start with my counseling workbook again. I knew it had to mean instead of me literally packing everything and moving again, it meant that I was physically, mentally, but most importantly spiritually moving. So, I left it at that and went on with the rest of my "spectacular" day.
..."Where's the hilarity in that", you might ask...
When I got home from treating myself to one of the best philly cheesesteaks I'd had in a long time (perhaps because it was because I freely took just myself with no guilt or shame of being alone to go get it)....there was a surprise on my door.
"What? What?"
Posted on my apartment door was a notice to vacate the premises within ten days or contact the Myrtle Beach Magistrates office to set up a court appearance to appeal the eviction process. "The stick did mean literal", I told myself as I stood there and stared, reading the paper over and over again. Haha. I was floored at the irony of the day in general; that it's been one of the greatest days I've had in a long time but tested with destruction for my hardwork, but it was just that...a test. I knew that getting upset wouldn't change the outcome of the letter making it magically disappear if I cried long enough and hard enough. I knew that nothing less than passing it off as...hilarious irony would help so I did what I had to do. I called the magistrates office and got some information from them, in which they advised me to call my landlord and see what was going to happen next.
The irony isn't only in that this particular day started out wonderful, and naturally still is wonderful, but it's in that just yesterday I paid my rent. Each month, as most, rent is due by the first of the month and considered late on the fifth. I knew that this month would be cutting it close because my paycheck wouldn't be deposited until the 4th so I chances were I would simply pay it that night and not be charged the late fee and everything would work out. So, when my check went through I logged in to pay my rent through our new online automated payment system that they've just recently set up for our apartment complex. The first month went through fine, however, being that I just changed my bank information I had to use a new account which should've been fine. I paid rent on the fourth but it didn't give me a confirmation number, which I initially thought was weird but didn't think anything of it because I know that it was taken care of. So, last week I hadn't used the account at all because my paycheck just barely covered the rent and I knew that once that was taken out I'd have little cash left anyways so there was no reason for me to check my accounts balance each day. Well, as I said, last week I checked it because I had to get gas and saw that the $500 was still there, which meant that rent hadn't been drafted from my account but that they had now charged me the $50 for the rent being late. I had to wait until I got paid again so that I could then cover the rent and the $50 late fee, which meant paying just last night after my paycheck was deposited.
Long story short, I'm keeping the piece of paper as a souvenir because after calling the landlord she told me that I wasn't the only one who this happened to and that I should just tear up the notice because it sent them a confirmation saying that I had made a payment.
Moral of the story...we got to learn to let go of the things we cannot control before they control us. Sometimes when all you have to do is laugh and let it roll off of you...you've just gotta do it. I'm learning...one hilarious day at a time.
Here's mine for today! As most of my phone contacts know I sent a mass text message to all of them wishing their day as spectacular as mine had been. Some responded with a simple, "thanks. U 2" or a "It has been. How's your day?" My typical response to all them who asked was "Mine has been the same. Spectacular!" What made the morning spectacular could have very well been the ten hours of sleep that I got after turning my phone off and leaving my alarm clock unplugged. It most likely was because I woke up feeling more refreshed for having the day off to do whatever I wanted to do for fun. I wasted time, although now I don't see it as a "waste". I spent time reading a chapter in a book, writing for my blog, and treated myself to lunch. I didn't make any lists of things that I had to get done today and decided that today was just going to be fun, no matter what.
The funny part about this day actually happened a few days ago when another friend of mine sent me a text message telling me what his fortune cookie read for that day, which got me thinking about the box of fortune sticks I'd bought way back when I worked at Pier 1 Imports. At the time I think I bought them for a friend for Christmas but never gave it to him. Yeah, as matter of fact I bought it for a friend who used to be a pin-pal in the Army that was, at the time, overseas. I'd bought them for his care package but I didn't get it out on time; typical Katie fashion but that's beside the point. After my friend Andy told me his fortune I decided to go back to playfully pulling these sticks to see what mine would be. For the past month or so my friend Brantley and I would make fun of the fortunes I'd pick because they almost always came true in some way or another, even the most ridiculous ones.
Instead of just choosing one I'd gotten in the habit of pulling three, one at a time. I'm not sure the significance; perhaps a two out of three ratio or something like that justifying my choice in pulling only three. Either way...to the story.
The first stick read: "A friend has traveled far and from this you will both benefit." At first I thought that maybe this means literally; maybe a friend would surprise me with a visit, but it didn't happen. So then I thought that maybe it meant that a friend would reach out, far beyond their comfort zone and into unknown territory, and from this we would both benefit from it. Well, yesterday I received one of the best messages I'd ever gotten. It was a true testament to God's power and love and grace through His children. It was a message from an unlikely person who could have easily been angered by me or my actions, but chose grace instead. She told me that she was thankful I was a part of her husbands past life and gave me hope that I did more good than bad and that I should take pride in knowing that God will help me through my struggles. I was grateful to no end!
The final stick read: "You are loved for the way you are. Don't try to be different." It speaks for itself but on that day gave me more empowerment to wear what I wanted to wear, be who I wanted to be...because me, Katie, is enough!
The second stick, which ended up being the one that I just passed over as "nah, not true" read: "You will soon be moving." At first, like I said, I passed over it because I knew I didn't have the money to move, nor the desire, and I was sure that this meant literally. I had given it some thought yesterday remembering that my parents gave me an opportunity to manage their juice bars but it would mean moving to Jacksonville, NC and I had already told them that this wasn't a a great time in my life. Then I'd thought it might mean that I was supposed to take the opportunity to join the National Guard like I had looked into doing a few months ago. Just this morning I finally realized it had to be more than literal because God has given me such a wonderful opportunity to start with my counseling workbook again. I knew it had to mean instead of me literally packing everything and moving again, it meant that I was physically, mentally, but most importantly spiritually moving. So, I left it at that and went on with the rest of my "spectacular" day.
..."Where's the hilarity in that", you might ask...
When I got home from treating myself to one of the best philly cheesesteaks I'd had in a long time (perhaps because it was because I freely took just myself with no guilt or shame of being alone to go get it)....there was a surprise on my door.
"What? What?"
Posted on my apartment door was a notice to vacate the premises within ten days or contact the Myrtle Beach Magistrates office to set up a court appearance to appeal the eviction process. "The stick did mean literal", I told myself as I stood there and stared, reading the paper over and over again. Haha. I was floored at the irony of the day in general; that it's been one of the greatest days I've had in a long time but tested with destruction for my hardwork, but it was just that...a test. I knew that getting upset wouldn't change the outcome of the letter making it magically disappear if I cried long enough and hard enough. I knew that nothing less than passing it off as...hilarious irony would help so I did what I had to do. I called the magistrates office and got some information from them, in which they advised me to call my landlord and see what was going to happen next.
The irony isn't only in that this particular day started out wonderful, and naturally still is wonderful, but it's in that just yesterday I paid my rent. Each month, as most, rent is due by the first of the month and considered late on the fifth. I knew that this month would be cutting it close because my paycheck wouldn't be deposited until the 4th so I chances were I would simply pay it that night and not be charged the late fee and everything would work out. So, when my check went through I logged in to pay my rent through our new online automated payment system that they've just recently set up for our apartment complex. The first month went through fine, however, being that I just changed my bank information I had to use a new account which should've been fine. I paid rent on the fourth but it didn't give me a confirmation number, which I initially thought was weird but didn't think anything of it because I know that it was taken care of. So, last week I hadn't used the account at all because my paycheck just barely covered the rent and I knew that once that was taken out I'd have little cash left anyways so there was no reason for me to check my accounts balance each day. Well, as I said, last week I checked it because I had to get gas and saw that the $500 was still there, which meant that rent hadn't been drafted from my account but that they had now charged me the $50 for the rent being late. I had to wait until I got paid again so that I could then cover the rent and the $50 late fee, which meant paying just last night after my paycheck was deposited.
Long story short, I'm keeping the piece of paper as a souvenir because after calling the landlord she told me that I wasn't the only one who this happened to and that I should just tear up the notice because it sent them a confirmation saying that I had made a payment.
Moral of the story...we got to learn to let go of the things we cannot control before they control us. Sometimes when all you have to do is laugh and let it roll off of you...you've just gotta do it. I'm learning...one hilarious day at a time.
365 Days of Recovery
Recently I read an article from Yahoo about a woman who lost her job and instead of hitting the streets with her resume she decided to take the time and start a blog. Each day she bought an article of clothing for $1 and re-vamped it into some new piece of clothing. As I was looking through the photos she mostly chose extra large dresses that she then cut and sewed to make into smaller, more tailored dresses for herself. The patterns were pretty crazy, but overall I like her concept. Like the movie, "Julie & Julia", she chose to do this for $365, for 365 days. Each day she would create a new piece of clothing. I was interested not only because of her inspiration from that movie and her willingness to do something different, but because it was just something she wanted to do for fun.
I remember when I was in Pennslyvania for a couple of months I got to a point where I would do things just for fun as well. I'd walk around the neighboring homes and fields and take pictures. I'd try to find new paths through the woods in the back of the house to explore. I would go for walks and fast-paced challenging up-hill/downhill runs because I wanted to get into shape. It became something I did for myself, to feel better.
I was also working with a counselor once a week to talk about my past and present feelings, rejections, acceptance, etc. I used to think, as I progressively got worse in my illness again that she, my counselor was the miracle worker. I had thought that there was no way I would be able to get back to that unless I found another counselor willing to help me and perhaps that's why I've found so much trouble finding someone. At first, recently, I started seeing a therapist that was ridiculously priced but I told myself that it was worth it because I would be getting better. After having to stop seeing him because I could no longer afford it, I began to lose hope in getting better because no one would and could help me. A few weeks after procrastinating I felt rejection again when I finally called the references he had given me for a more affordable solution. They couldn't see me until September and only offered forms of medication to heal the problem instead of starting at the root of it. At this point I had also had a friend, with similar issues, refer me to her therapist, which took a few calls to actually get an answer from. Again, rejection.
I really didn't understand why this was happening because I was asking God for help and He was presenting all of these possibilities and opportunities to seek help, but I just kept being rejected. 'Why', I would wonder and soon ask God Himself. I couldn't understand why if I was seeking help and it was being provided that something, money, or time, was always in the way.
While I was working with my counselor in Pennslyvania we started a workbook called, The Twelve Steps, A Spiritual Journey. It was very helpful to me and even after I'd moved back to South Carolina and in with my husband again I'd continued through the workbook with her through our phone sessions. I made it through Step 8 and was so proud of myself for doing so well, especially under the environmental circumstances, that I decided that I was going to try it myself. After that I fell flat. I kept up with the workbook for a couple more weeks, but never made it past Step 8.
I've realized through going back and starting over with my workbook that I didn't fail. I simply misplaced the importance of counsel. To me, I was succeeding because I had my counselor, because she was the miracle worker helping me through it. I had put it into her hands the outcome of my recovery and I think that's why I sought so much counsel after that. I never thought that I was able, or qualified enough to do it myself. Afterall, who really believes that if someone with an illness doesn't take medication for it can really help themselves get better? The answer is simple. I do.
I remember asking myself a few weeks ago what I was so worried about with helping myself because I knew that with God's help anything was possible. I knew that I didn't need to start taking medication simply to make people believe that I was recovering. While I was in Pennslyvania I didn't take medication and I don't need to take it now, but I do need to practice self-control and accountability more. That is where my skills are lacking but God has given me all the tools to recover from them, I just have to use them. I've realized that a valuable tool He has given me is time alone, in a safe and controlled environment. He's given me the peace and calm of coming home to no one badgering or belittling or even being. This time alone is a blessing and I should treat it as such.
He's also given me my workbook as a tool. I didn't go to Pennslyvania to learn the importance of a counselor, I went to learn the importance of His counsel through me. I am everything I need to get better and with the help and guidance of this workbook He brought to my life, I am able to be everything I need to get better.
So, today I will start my own "365 day" blog, but instead of it being like the woman in the article, or even the movie, I will write each day as I work through this workbook again.
A part of the reason why I thought that I had to actually go to seek counseling was because it was an accountability, which wasn't a wrong thought because at the time I did feel more powerful knowing that I was physically making the effort to drive to her office for our session. Now, I realize through reading the second week in my workbook that my "small group" will be my blog. Each day I will share with you my scares and my triumphs of recovery through each lesson. I look forward to this 'project' not only because it helps me learn and correct my character flaws, but it will also help me help others through my own struggles.
I thank God, sincerely, for everything! There simply aren't any words to express my gratitude so this blog will become a way that I can serve Him in all His glory! I pray you will benefit from these lessons, as I have and will continue to.
I remember when I was in Pennslyvania for a couple of months I got to a point where I would do things just for fun as well. I'd walk around the neighboring homes and fields and take pictures. I'd try to find new paths through the woods in the back of the house to explore. I would go for walks and fast-paced challenging up-hill/downhill runs because I wanted to get into shape. It became something I did for myself, to feel better.
I was also working with a counselor once a week to talk about my past and present feelings, rejections, acceptance, etc. I used to think, as I progressively got worse in my illness again that she, my counselor was the miracle worker. I had thought that there was no way I would be able to get back to that unless I found another counselor willing to help me and perhaps that's why I've found so much trouble finding someone. At first, recently, I started seeing a therapist that was ridiculously priced but I told myself that it was worth it because I would be getting better. After having to stop seeing him because I could no longer afford it, I began to lose hope in getting better because no one would and could help me. A few weeks after procrastinating I felt rejection again when I finally called the references he had given me for a more affordable solution. They couldn't see me until September and only offered forms of medication to heal the problem instead of starting at the root of it. At this point I had also had a friend, with similar issues, refer me to her therapist, which took a few calls to actually get an answer from. Again, rejection.
I really didn't understand why this was happening because I was asking God for help and He was presenting all of these possibilities and opportunities to seek help, but I just kept being rejected. 'Why', I would wonder and soon ask God Himself. I couldn't understand why if I was seeking help and it was being provided that something, money, or time, was always in the way.
While I was working with my counselor in Pennslyvania we started a workbook called, The Twelve Steps, A Spiritual Journey. It was very helpful to me and even after I'd moved back to South Carolina and in with my husband again I'd continued through the workbook with her through our phone sessions. I made it through Step 8 and was so proud of myself for doing so well, especially under the environmental circumstances, that I decided that I was going to try it myself. After that I fell flat. I kept up with the workbook for a couple more weeks, but never made it past Step 8.
I've realized through going back and starting over with my workbook that I didn't fail. I simply misplaced the importance of counsel. To me, I was succeeding because I had my counselor, because she was the miracle worker helping me through it. I had put it into her hands the outcome of my recovery and I think that's why I sought so much counsel after that. I never thought that I was able, or qualified enough to do it myself. Afterall, who really believes that if someone with an illness doesn't take medication for it can really help themselves get better? The answer is simple. I do.
I remember asking myself a few weeks ago what I was so worried about with helping myself because I knew that with God's help anything was possible. I knew that I didn't need to start taking medication simply to make people believe that I was recovering. While I was in Pennslyvania I didn't take medication and I don't need to take it now, but I do need to practice self-control and accountability more. That is where my skills are lacking but God has given me all the tools to recover from them, I just have to use them. I've realized that a valuable tool He has given me is time alone, in a safe and controlled environment. He's given me the peace and calm of coming home to no one badgering or belittling or even being. This time alone is a blessing and I should treat it as such.
He's also given me my workbook as a tool. I didn't go to Pennslyvania to learn the importance of a counselor, I went to learn the importance of His counsel through me. I am everything I need to get better and with the help and guidance of this workbook He brought to my life, I am able to be everything I need to get better.
So, today I will start my own "365 day" blog, but instead of it being like the woman in the article, or even the movie, I will write each day as I work through this workbook again.
A part of the reason why I thought that I had to actually go to seek counseling was because it was an accountability, which wasn't a wrong thought because at the time I did feel more powerful knowing that I was physically making the effort to drive to her office for our session. Now, I realize through reading the second week in my workbook that my "small group" will be my blog. Each day I will share with you my scares and my triumphs of recovery through each lesson. I look forward to this 'project' not only because it helps me learn and correct my character flaws, but it will also help me help others through my own struggles.
I thank God, sincerely, for everything! There simply aren't any words to express my gratitude so this blog will become a way that I can serve Him in all His glory! I pray you will benefit from these lessons, as I have and will continue to.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
"67th Avenue"
WOW!
The beach is amazing! The air is cool enough to exhaust the humidity and yet i'm not too chilled to cause regret for my newly shaved legs. My feet are relaxed and at home, comforted by the damp sand. What a magnificent day! It truly has been nothing less. Even the smell of the ocean, neither stuffy nor potent; a perfect blend of rythmic tune. I could fall asleep right here.
What if in life we could capture these moments in large mason jars? Our memories of each feeling, scent, hue, and tint would be trapped inside so that with every twist of the cap we feel the exact feeling as the day we first tricked it into the jar. Like a favorite movie watched over and over, there would be no change in script or substance. Could that even be possible?
I think perhaps the only difference and impossibility of that concept is the constant change of our perception. I ask myself would it truly be a treasured moment if it had the capability of being fully captured? We are able to remember details such as a shell from the sand or a picture taken of the horizon but that one exact moment we can never re-create. Maybe that's the point. Maybe we're supposed to, in the moment, treasure the bigger picture because it simply won't last forever.
Being here I'm reminded of that whole year when Steve and I were in Denver. There were no salt-flavored sunsets or sand nuzzled comfortably between my toes. There were no roaring waves providing tranquility. While big, beautiful, colorful, and creative...it was no Myrtle Beach and yet while roaring, and breezy...this is no Denver. I've realized that is's all in the way we perceive and appreciate our surroundings. I think somewhere in the selfishness I forgot to look right in front of me in the beautiful cinema God has provided. The greatest of all is in its unique creation it costs little to witness...but you surely must purchase a ticket in order to truly experience the full effect.
The beach is amazing! The air is cool enough to exhaust the humidity and yet i'm not too chilled to cause regret for my newly shaved legs. My feet are relaxed and at home, comforted by the damp sand. What a magnificent day! It truly has been nothing less. Even the smell of the ocean, neither stuffy nor potent; a perfect blend of rythmic tune. I could fall asleep right here.
What if in life we could capture these moments in large mason jars? Our memories of each feeling, scent, hue, and tint would be trapped inside so that with every twist of the cap we feel the exact feeling as the day we first tricked it into the jar. Like a favorite movie watched over and over, there would be no change in script or substance. Could that even be possible?
I think perhaps the only difference and impossibility of that concept is the constant change of our perception. I ask myself would it truly be a treasured moment if it had the capability of being fully captured? We are able to remember details such as a shell from the sand or a picture taken of the horizon but that one exact moment we can never re-create. Maybe that's the point. Maybe we're supposed to, in the moment, treasure the bigger picture because it simply won't last forever.
Being here I'm reminded of that whole year when Steve and I were in Denver. There were no salt-flavored sunsets or sand nuzzled comfortably between my toes. There were no roaring waves providing tranquility. While big, beautiful, colorful, and creative...it was no Myrtle Beach and yet while roaring, and breezy...this is no Denver. I've realized that is's all in the way we perceive and appreciate our surroundings. I think somewhere in the selfishness I forgot to look right in front of me in the beautiful cinema God has provided. The greatest of all is in its unique creation it costs little to witness...but you surely must purchase a ticket in order to truly experience the full effect.
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