Have you ever just been driving in your car and a song comes on the radio or from a CD that you've barely listened to but it speaks to your heart? Or have you searched for that song and finally found the words to the feelings that you've been trying to get out all along? Lately, I truly feel that God has helped mend my broken heart with song. In my car I listen to the christian station but sometimes I'll listen to what some christians would call "secular" music. Don't get me wrong, every now and then I don't think too much when I'm singing a catchy song like "POW, POW, POW" by the Black Eyed Peas. What I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful for lyricists and songwriters. Most of the time I walk around feeling emotions that I can't even pin-point what they are, but if I listen to music it's like I relate in some deep emotional way where words aren't even needed.
I want to aspire to be like that in my lifetime. No, I'm not saying I'd like to be a songwriter, which would be great, but I don't think I'd be good at it. I'm saying that I'd like to do or say, or act a way that has the same influence on others; something that inspires them to strive for a great day, or even a great moment of joy, relief even.
As a christian this is our life song. Our testament can move people in the same way, but it's not like we can just slap a few words that ryhme down on the piece of paper. We've got to first think about what type of song we're going to do, which most likely is based off of our feelings and life experiences. Now we take those feelings and we put them into action; we make words. Then we've got to make sure we've got a proper plan of organization, some sort of rythm to the words. Before you know it you've made a new hit single that's plastered all over the radio. Shouldn't our faith be the same way? Shouldn't we want to desire a life of inspiration for others? Not to become boastful or arrogant, but to be proud in calling our Father, Jesus Christ; that our pride dwells through our actions towards our faith, towards our God.
I want this for my life. I was once a strong woman; stronger than now. I woke up and breathed life with every second the wind blew past me. I looked around with thankful eyes, able to see God's vivid creations. I talked and I walked with Him, putting Him first before anything and everything. Have you ever had a moment like that?
In time I know I'll be an even stronger woman of faith. And I'll soar on wings like eagles as my Father flies beside me.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Nightly Prayer
Heavenly Father,
I thank you so much for the work that you're doing inside of me. I can feel Your wisdom preparing me to better accept Your will. I thank you for entrusting me with that knowledge and loving me beyond measures. There are simply no words to express my gratitude but I know that the power is not in my words, it lies in my deeds and good will. I know that I must look like You and I must above all love. Heavenly Father I ask for the courage to disipate the reigning fear in my life, making me unable to receive Your good works and blessings. Help me gather my strength so that I may learn to fight for my own wants and desires against satan's adament ways to attack me. Lord, I have allowed him to take my time away from You; for that I ask Your holy forgiveness and grace. I know that I must fight harder in order to win the battle against him.
Heavenly Father I come to you with such a happy heart knowing that my brother, Steve, is in good hands. I know that You hold him close and protect him with Your impeccable timing. Lord I ask that You help him learn to not only acknowledge the areas of his life that need work, but to also learn to trust in You more, as well as in himself. I pray that he will find the strength and the courage to continue his battle against satan as well and draw closer to you. Father, I ask for you to protect him against satan allowing him a chance to see what his life would be like, and is when You reign in his heart and not fear alone. Father, strengthen his faith and love for You above anything else.
Father I ask that you be with Kim as she tries to find a solution to her current situation. Lord, her cats are her lifeline right now and if she is to part ways with them I ask that you help her find the strength and the courage to find a new lifeline to hang on to for comfort and security.
I ask that you be with those who are physically hurting tonight; those who are struggling with spritual disturbances. Heavenly Father I also ask that you help provide an opportunity to bring in more income so that I may be able to pay for the things that I must take care of. Lord, I pray that it will also be enough hours so that I may learn the value of time management in my studies so that I may better take the opportunities to study Your word. I ask for more opportunities and willpower in doing that as well. Father, help fill my mind with Your inspiring words so that I may better learn how to be more like You. Teach me Your ways and understanding; mold me and make me in the ways that you see fit! With a loving heart I pray in your most Holy name, amen!
I thank you so much for the work that you're doing inside of me. I can feel Your wisdom preparing me to better accept Your will. I thank you for entrusting me with that knowledge and loving me beyond measures. There are simply no words to express my gratitude but I know that the power is not in my words, it lies in my deeds and good will. I know that I must look like You and I must above all love. Heavenly Father I ask for the courage to disipate the reigning fear in my life, making me unable to receive Your good works and blessings. Help me gather my strength so that I may learn to fight for my own wants and desires against satan's adament ways to attack me. Lord, I have allowed him to take my time away from You; for that I ask Your holy forgiveness and grace. I know that I must fight harder in order to win the battle against him.
Heavenly Father I come to you with such a happy heart knowing that my brother, Steve, is in good hands. I know that You hold him close and protect him with Your impeccable timing. Lord I ask that You help him learn to not only acknowledge the areas of his life that need work, but to also learn to trust in You more, as well as in himself. I pray that he will find the strength and the courage to continue his battle against satan as well and draw closer to you. Father, I ask for you to protect him against satan allowing him a chance to see what his life would be like, and is when You reign in his heart and not fear alone. Father, strengthen his faith and love for You above anything else.
Father I ask that you be with Kim as she tries to find a solution to her current situation. Lord, her cats are her lifeline right now and if she is to part ways with them I ask that you help her find the strength and the courage to find a new lifeline to hang on to for comfort and security.
I ask that you be with those who are physically hurting tonight; those who are struggling with spritual disturbances. Heavenly Father I also ask that you help provide an opportunity to bring in more income so that I may be able to pay for the things that I must take care of. Lord, I pray that it will also be enough hours so that I may learn the value of time management in my studies so that I may better take the opportunities to study Your word. I ask for more opportunities and willpower in doing that as well. Father, help fill my mind with Your inspiring words so that I may better learn how to be more like You. Teach me Your ways and understanding; mold me and make me in the ways that you see fit! With a loving heart I pray in your most Holy name, amen!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
"Eat Pray Love"
What an amazing movie! And maybe I thought it was 'amazing' because of the position that I am in currently in my life because as I looked around the theatre as people arose from their seats I wondered if they had the same feelings as I did. You had the people who got up early, as soon as the first credit rolled because they didn't want to be bothered by the traffic of people exitting all at once. You had the younger woman who may not have really grasped the connection between real life and cinematic experience. You had the older generations, with their husbands, who may have gone simply because their wives asked them. And then there were the few who were moved by it, who wore regret on their face as they stood. Possibly regret for having the same opportunities but not taking them.
Either way I left thankful for my situation, thankful for the opportunity and the knowledge and the faith I carry with me. I left feeling enlightened and powerful and trusting, which is something I've desperately been wanting to feel connected to for a while. I left with inspirations to keep me going daily and is it crazy to say that a simple movie did that for me? Why would it be? Why shouldn't we find inspiration from every aspect of life around us? God created life right? And God created man right? Than can I not find my inspiration from the slightest of ideals?
I'll write more later, but for now just know that this is my moment. This is my time to go back, to find myself and when the time comes take the leap for love all over again, but with the control of knowing the balance between losing myself completely, or bending it slightly for love.
Either way I left thankful for my situation, thankful for the opportunity and the knowledge and the faith I carry with me. I left feeling enlightened and powerful and trusting, which is something I've desperately been wanting to feel connected to for a while. I left with inspirations to keep me going daily and is it crazy to say that a simple movie did that for me? Why would it be? Why shouldn't we find inspiration from every aspect of life around us? God created life right? And God created man right? Than can I not find my inspiration from the slightest of ideals?
I'll write more later, but for now just know that this is my moment. This is my time to go back, to find myself and when the time comes take the leap for love all over again, but with the control of knowing the balance between losing myself completely, or bending it slightly for love.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Reluctancy
Father,
I feel I have no will, no purpose, no drive, no hope. I feel I've slowly started to die because there is no hope. My brain knows that there is, but my heart feels different. Feels. At times I wonder why we such feelings. What purpose do they serve? Jealousy. Contempt. Fear. Love. Acceptance.
My head is telling me to cheer up because I will meet my match in the future, because You will see me through. It tells me that this didn't happen to me because I am unworthy of love, because I am at fault, because of anything to do with me. I can know that I am worth so much more to You and that I am so special that You would entrust such a duty on me. It tells me that logically, at this time in my life, it would be easier to find that 86% recovery rate and that this time is meant to find myself, to find my confidence, to fight my fears.
My heart tells me otherwise, however. It feels hurt, broken, and abandoned. I feel betrayed and abused. While I know I am no victim, I can't help but to feel that I have done nothing less than be the best person I know how to be and yet this still happened. I wonder if my fears brought me to this result. I wonder if in some way it is all my fault. Had I loved stronger, supported more, encouraged louder, and affirmed verbally and physically. I had I been short tempered, faithful, strong would this have still happened? Was this the result of my failings?
I tear even reading that word; typing the letters combined to form that word I tremble at. Failure. Most know that my husband struggled with this word, with this emotion. He longed for acceptance and pride from his family, his parents. While they made no large goals for him, somehow he always felt as if he fell short of their expectations pending nothing short of discourage. What most did not realize is that I, myself, struggle with this word as well. While his parents had little expectations, mine had great, almost impossible. In the shadows of a sister who let down our father (to him) I was bound to follow by trait even though we were nothing alike. The pride in my fathers voice when I came back to visit after leaving for art school was a new, unfamilar tone. I can only imagine the thoughts he has of me now, knowing that I left art school for a boy, for something to him shouldn't have happened. I find myself always feeling less of extrordinary in his eyes when I once knew the sparkle he kept for me.
A friend was right in saying that all women have "daddy issues". I will not continue.
Father, I am lost in the darkness often searching, guiding my hand on the wall for the light switch. No, lately I've given up on finding the switch. I've somehow plopped unwillingly, selfishly, fearfully in the center of a blackened room waiting for the switch to turn itself on. Iam so spoiled by You. Your righteousness has been unfailing. You've given and proven and tested and still I sit there doing nothing. Why? This I can't understand about myself. I feel so much desire but it's buried beneathe. The feeling that there's something right in front of me but I'm so lazy and unwilling to reach out and grab it. I know that I'm expected to take hold of myself, of my situation and stand proudly screaming your name. I know that I will continue to desend into the pit should I not get up and search once more, but still I sit. Why? Is it my heart that's bearing my weight keeping me floored?
I hate this feeling of disconnect from within my parts. I feel empty and much like swiss cheese. I feel as if my holes are showing and I am beginning to smell. I would love to see the light, to feel Your radiance shine on my face as it once did. I'm lost and I'm not sure how to stand. Father, can you help me stand? How selfish to even ask such a request I know. Time and time again You give me such opportunities and I am weak, afraid, weary of this worlds judgement.
I want to feel whole again! Please help me Father. I want to feel together with my adhesive firm and held. I know that I am so much stronger than this. Why won't I fight? I don't even really know where to begin so I'll begin with saying that I am sorry. I am sorry. This guilt I feel within my heart is so burdening, its hot like fire, burning holes in my soul allow the demons to sink in. I find myself wanting to pray, wanting to speak, but about what? What is it that I shall pray for now? I feel like I don't even deserve to go to You in prayer. I feel I don't deserve to know Your love, as I haven't and don't deserve to know or feel Steve's again.
Have I not, in my heart been faithful to You? Have I not fought hard eough?
Father I'm sorry. I simply can't find the words for prayer, to ask for what I need because I don't know. What I want is the feeling of his hands on my face again. What I want is to feel his kiss first thing in the morning. What I want is to hold his heart in my hands again, but this time with such care as my own. I don't want to feel sick to my stomach thinking about him being right there but not being able to touch him. What I want are the simplest of things, can't those be granted? What I would give to see his face, his smile, hear his laugh. He is my champion, I know that with everything I have and more. I do not want to be with another. I do not want to know life without him. I do not want to smile without sharing his. Wasn't my love an affection enough?
Father, if nothing else help me understand, help me find some resolve. Father, help me find hope that I can stand and that I will stand. I thank you that the weeks go by fast so that I may be pleasured with worshiping You with my brothers and sisters. At the same time I know that the faster they go by, this quicker the holidays approach, the quicker the loneliness will fill my world again. The quicker next year will arrive. I do not want to live without my husbands love. That's not to simply say I wish to die, but I do not want to experience joy and love with another. He was and is my everything. Should there not be any pride in saying that? We made vows, we promised forever, we promised always and forevermore. Father, please forgive me for my selfishness and help me find my way. I know nothing without Your guidance and feel nothing without Your love. I ask for Your everything in return and ask that you take the areas of me that satan has tainted. I have given them to him but now I give them back to You. Father, I am sorry please help me find my way in forgiving myself.
In Your most precious name I cry out to you, Amen.
I feel I have no will, no purpose, no drive, no hope. I feel I've slowly started to die because there is no hope. My brain knows that there is, but my heart feels different. Feels. At times I wonder why we such feelings. What purpose do they serve? Jealousy. Contempt. Fear. Love. Acceptance.
My head is telling me to cheer up because I will meet my match in the future, because You will see me through. It tells me that this didn't happen to me because I am unworthy of love, because I am at fault, because of anything to do with me. I can know that I am worth so much more to You and that I am so special that You would entrust such a duty on me. It tells me that logically, at this time in my life, it would be easier to find that 86% recovery rate and that this time is meant to find myself, to find my confidence, to fight my fears.
My heart tells me otherwise, however. It feels hurt, broken, and abandoned. I feel betrayed and abused. While I know I am no victim, I can't help but to feel that I have done nothing less than be the best person I know how to be and yet this still happened. I wonder if my fears brought me to this result. I wonder if in some way it is all my fault. Had I loved stronger, supported more, encouraged louder, and affirmed verbally and physically. I had I been short tempered, faithful, strong would this have still happened? Was this the result of my failings?
I tear even reading that word; typing the letters combined to form that word I tremble at. Failure. Most know that my husband struggled with this word, with this emotion. He longed for acceptance and pride from his family, his parents. While they made no large goals for him, somehow he always felt as if he fell short of their expectations pending nothing short of discourage. What most did not realize is that I, myself, struggle with this word as well. While his parents had little expectations, mine had great, almost impossible. In the shadows of a sister who let down our father (to him) I was bound to follow by trait even though we were nothing alike. The pride in my fathers voice when I came back to visit after leaving for art school was a new, unfamilar tone. I can only imagine the thoughts he has of me now, knowing that I left art school for a boy, for something to him shouldn't have happened. I find myself always feeling less of extrordinary in his eyes when I once knew the sparkle he kept for me.
A friend was right in saying that all women have "daddy issues". I will not continue.
Father, I am lost in the darkness often searching, guiding my hand on the wall for the light switch. No, lately I've given up on finding the switch. I've somehow plopped unwillingly, selfishly, fearfully in the center of a blackened room waiting for the switch to turn itself on. Iam so spoiled by You. Your righteousness has been unfailing. You've given and proven and tested and still I sit there doing nothing. Why? This I can't understand about myself. I feel so much desire but it's buried beneathe. The feeling that there's something right in front of me but I'm so lazy and unwilling to reach out and grab it. I know that I'm expected to take hold of myself, of my situation and stand proudly screaming your name. I know that I will continue to desend into the pit should I not get up and search once more, but still I sit. Why? Is it my heart that's bearing my weight keeping me floored?
I hate this feeling of disconnect from within my parts. I feel empty and much like swiss cheese. I feel as if my holes are showing and I am beginning to smell. I would love to see the light, to feel Your radiance shine on my face as it once did. I'm lost and I'm not sure how to stand. Father, can you help me stand? How selfish to even ask such a request I know. Time and time again You give me such opportunities and I am weak, afraid, weary of this worlds judgement.
I want to feel whole again! Please help me Father. I want to feel together with my adhesive firm and held. I know that I am so much stronger than this. Why won't I fight? I don't even really know where to begin so I'll begin with saying that I am sorry. I am sorry. This guilt I feel within my heart is so burdening, its hot like fire, burning holes in my soul allow the demons to sink in. I find myself wanting to pray, wanting to speak, but about what? What is it that I shall pray for now? I feel like I don't even deserve to go to You in prayer. I feel I don't deserve to know Your love, as I haven't and don't deserve to know or feel Steve's again.
Have I not, in my heart been faithful to You? Have I not fought hard eough?
Father I'm sorry. I simply can't find the words for prayer, to ask for what I need because I don't know. What I want is the feeling of his hands on my face again. What I want is to feel his kiss first thing in the morning. What I want is to hold his heart in my hands again, but this time with such care as my own. I don't want to feel sick to my stomach thinking about him being right there but not being able to touch him. What I want are the simplest of things, can't those be granted? What I would give to see his face, his smile, hear his laugh. He is my champion, I know that with everything I have and more. I do not want to be with another. I do not want to know life without him. I do not want to smile without sharing his. Wasn't my love an affection enough?
Father, if nothing else help me understand, help me find some resolve. Father, help me find hope that I can stand and that I will stand. I thank you that the weeks go by fast so that I may be pleasured with worshiping You with my brothers and sisters. At the same time I know that the faster they go by, this quicker the holidays approach, the quicker the loneliness will fill my world again. The quicker next year will arrive. I do not want to live without my husbands love. That's not to simply say I wish to die, but I do not want to experience joy and love with another. He was and is my everything. Should there not be any pride in saying that? We made vows, we promised forever, we promised always and forevermore. Father, please forgive me for my selfishness and help me find my way. I know nothing without Your guidance and feel nothing without Your love. I ask for Your everything in return and ask that you take the areas of me that satan has tainted. I have given them to him but now I give them back to You. Father, I am sorry please help me find my way in forgiving myself.
In Your most precious name I cry out to you, Amen.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tattoo
I'm scared.
I wear one of the newest tattoos on my right wrist which proudly reads: Psalm 56: 3. That passage has become one of my many favorites. I wanted to get it tattooed on my wrist to remind me to always trust in God. The passage proclaims, "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." Funny that the first thing I said when I started this post was that I was scared. I know that God will protect me and that I am always safe in His arms, but I am scared.
I've begged and pleaded and cried and prayed over and over to finally get the answers...for my husband to make his decision if he wants to stay married and work on being a great couple. Today I wasn't smart. Today I sent a text message pleading yet again. Perhaps because of this the phone call he will make tomorrow will have bad news. Perhaps it made him realize some things and it will be good news. Either way it's I hope this finally means that he's made his decision and that by the end of tomorrow I'll either be starting a new life as a soon-to-be divorcee or on the first step to recovering our marriage.
I'm nervous because I don't think it will be good news. I think that in combination to my actions lately with the text message I sent today that it was the last final straw that he could take of me. I don't blame him in a lot of ways for leaving me. I know that I am a handful and that I don't deserve him at times. Maybe he hasn't even made a decision and the phone call is simply to state that he needs more time in addition to the four months he's already gotten.
Do I really blame him for giving up and quitting? I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing if he sent me the text message I sent him. I was scared though. I was trying to protect him and shouldn't that count? He always wants me to be so understanding and to take everything he says at full worth and not out of context as single actions. Why are the standards so twisted?
Either way tomorrow when I wake up my tattoo that reads "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You" remains, however its up to me to read it, and truly understand it, and then to feel it no matter what happens.
I wear one of the newest tattoos on my right wrist which proudly reads: Psalm 56: 3. That passage has become one of my many favorites. I wanted to get it tattooed on my wrist to remind me to always trust in God. The passage proclaims, "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." Funny that the first thing I said when I started this post was that I was scared. I know that God will protect me and that I am always safe in His arms, but I am scared.
I've begged and pleaded and cried and prayed over and over to finally get the answers...for my husband to make his decision if he wants to stay married and work on being a great couple. Today I wasn't smart. Today I sent a text message pleading yet again. Perhaps because of this the phone call he will make tomorrow will have bad news. Perhaps it made him realize some things and it will be good news. Either way it's I hope this finally means that he's made his decision and that by the end of tomorrow I'll either be starting a new life as a soon-to-be divorcee or on the first step to recovering our marriage.
I'm nervous because I don't think it will be good news. I think that in combination to my actions lately with the text message I sent today that it was the last final straw that he could take of me. I don't blame him in a lot of ways for leaving me. I know that I am a handful and that I don't deserve him at times. Maybe he hasn't even made a decision and the phone call is simply to state that he needs more time in addition to the four months he's already gotten.
Do I really blame him for giving up and quitting? I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing if he sent me the text message I sent him. I was scared though. I was trying to protect him and shouldn't that count? He always wants me to be so understanding and to take everything he says at full worth and not out of context as single actions. Why are the standards so twisted?
Either way tomorrow when I wake up my tattoo that reads "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You" remains, however its up to me to read it, and truly understand it, and then to feel it no matter what happens.
Laura going away
Today I said 'goodbye' to another great friend. My friend, Laura, is going to grad school in Grenada. She'll be in such a luxurious area, however, will it feel that way to her? I'm so proud of what she's done with her life and the person that she's become. She's strong and courageous. I think that Laura and I have always had more than meets the eye in common. We're both strong, we're both courageous, but we've had to do it. It's been a choice in some areas but in others we've had to force ourselves to be the ones to pick up the pieces because there simply wasn't anyone there to do it for us and if there was we didn't trust them enough to do it right. Laura and I knew each other when I was 16 and we were working at Mrs. Field's at the Colonial Mall, which was then called the Briarcliffe Mall. At time the her sister Abbey worked there as well and Abbey never quite understood why I'd rather hang out with Laura instead of her. I think it was more because Laura and I had so much in common, but yet neither of us really knew what it was. I think we shared similar feelings and so we could relate to one another and truly understand where we were coming from.
I'm sad to see Laura go because I'm selfish and don't want her to leave. I know that she doesn't feel ready for this but sometimes you need that extra push to make the first move in your life. I think that I've felt that feeling the week before we went to Denver. I'd organized a yard sale that made over $1500 selling all of my things from my two bedroom apartment. What wasn't in the yard sale was then packed in vaccumed packed bags and shoes were thrown in trash bags. "Only what's necessity" we had to tell ourselves. I was excited to be going to school but I was terrified that I couldn't make it on my own, let alone supporting another person being a newly-wed. I had no idea what I was getting into but still I went for it. In some ways I knew I wasn't ready for it but I trucked along because it was too late to go back now. I think that Laura is feeling those same feelings right now, but in her case it's just her. For her, there is no newly wed companionship even if it wasn't really companionship that I had. Yes, I was married, and yes my husband was sweet and loving at first, but when things started get rough with school and money and life in general it became less and less like a companionship. I longed for that feeling to be loved, to be supported, to have that safety net to come home to knowing that I was still at least accepted for trying.
I want Laura to feel safe and proud, but not just today. I want her to get to a place where she can wake up and feel like there's nothing holding her back and there's everything ahead of her. I don't want her to be drowned with her emotions and feelings of what could've been had she not done this or that.
I often feel regret for leaving Denver. When I think about it I felt like I was supposed to be there and I know that in the beginning I was, but I have to remind myself that God had other plans. God knew that this was going to happen and He knew that He couldn't just give me that free ride from the past if I truly wanted to succeed in Him. He knew I'd have to battle through the feelings and come home....home to Myrtle Beach and face the music. Most of the time now I feel the pressure because I know that the longer I wait around and not do what He wants me to do, the longer I'll have to be here, in misery and pain, but yet still...I sit. Why?
I can understand a lot about myself but I can't understand that. Is it simply fear? It doesn't feel like its just that.
After I left Laura's house I cried a little on the way home because I had to say 'goodbye'. I'm so tired of saying 'goodbye' while someone else makes that step. You know the one? The step between old and new life. It's almost like baptism when you step in the water your just a sinner getting wet, but when you come back up and breathe that first breath you're no longer your old self. You're this new person who's going to have to battle the years of living in another person's body. Sometimes I wish I could be in someone else's body.
I'm not even sure if this is making any sense jumping back and forth between Laura and baptism and Denver, but the one thing that I'm trying to say is this....I want to fight. I want the option. I want the control of my own faith and my own mental health. I don't want to be afraid or be ashamed of the choices I've made. I know that when I left Denver it was for my husband and I know that when I left Pennslyvannia it was with hopes that our marriage would get better. I know that when I left the house and moved into this apartment it was because I had to take care of myself and at the same time take care of him. I know that I've made the right decisions through God but the hardest part is walking around feeling like I don't have to convince anyone else that my choices were through God and not for selfish reasons.
I don't want to feel horrible enough to hit myself anymore. I don't want to feel crazy or unable. I don't want to feel weak or tired or out of control. I want that clarity of knowing that the ledge is right there and all I have to do is jump, knowing that my faith and my God will take care of me. I don't want to have just one great day and fifteen horrible ones. When I was in PA I would wake up and often go outside and smell the air as I'd look around at the beautiful leaves changing. Or in Denver even when my husband and I had a fight, walking on my way to school I would look around and see that I was here, I was in my dream, and I was thankful for it. I would look up to the sky, close my eyes, and take a deep breathe and then I would come back down and know that everything, no matter what, would work out because I had God.
Maybe lately my faith has been failing. Maybe I've started to lose hope and that's why it has seemed to be that each day is just another day in passing. Today I am reminded that tomorrow Laura won't be a Myrtle Beach resident anymore. She'll be gone, started on that journey no matter if she's ready or not. She's on it. I don't want to be reminded that this is backwards, that this is me coming back to Myrtle Beach because I failed, because I failed at being a wife, because I failed at believing in God enough, because I failed at praying enough, because I failed at school. I want this to be my journey but where do I begin? And for that, I'll need His help. And for the accountability I'll need true friends. It's a never ending search but at least my faith hasn't failed enough to know that if I can endure it like He has, than my inheritance is waiting. Sometimes I get lost and I think that how could I, me, this horrible sinner, be welcome to the same love and devotion. Maybe I'm not, but maybe, just maybe...I am.
I'm sad to see Laura go because I'm selfish and don't want her to leave. I know that she doesn't feel ready for this but sometimes you need that extra push to make the first move in your life. I think that I've felt that feeling the week before we went to Denver. I'd organized a yard sale that made over $1500 selling all of my things from my two bedroom apartment. What wasn't in the yard sale was then packed in vaccumed packed bags and shoes were thrown in trash bags. "Only what's necessity" we had to tell ourselves. I was excited to be going to school but I was terrified that I couldn't make it on my own, let alone supporting another person being a newly-wed. I had no idea what I was getting into but still I went for it. In some ways I knew I wasn't ready for it but I trucked along because it was too late to go back now. I think that Laura is feeling those same feelings right now, but in her case it's just her. For her, there is no newly wed companionship even if it wasn't really companionship that I had. Yes, I was married, and yes my husband was sweet and loving at first, but when things started get rough with school and money and life in general it became less and less like a companionship. I longed for that feeling to be loved, to be supported, to have that safety net to come home to knowing that I was still at least accepted for trying.
I want Laura to feel safe and proud, but not just today. I want her to get to a place where she can wake up and feel like there's nothing holding her back and there's everything ahead of her. I don't want her to be drowned with her emotions and feelings of what could've been had she not done this or that.
I often feel regret for leaving Denver. When I think about it I felt like I was supposed to be there and I know that in the beginning I was, but I have to remind myself that God had other plans. God knew that this was going to happen and He knew that He couldn't just give me that free ride from the past if I truly wanted to succeed in Him. He knew I'd have to battle through the feelings and come home....home to Myrtle Beach and face the music. Most of the time now I feel the pressure because I know that the longer I wait around and not do what He wants me to do, the longer I'll have to be here, in misery and pain, but yet still...I sit. Why?
I can understand a lot about myself but I can't understand that. Is it simply fear? It doesn't feel like its just that.
After I left Laura's house I cried a little on the way home because I had to say 'goodbye'. I'm so tired of saying 'goodbye' while someone else makes that step. You know the one? The step between old and new life. It's almost like baptism when you step in the water your just a sinner getting wet, but when you come back up and breathe that first breath you're no longer your old self. You're this new person who's going to have to battle the years of living in another person's body. Sometimes I wish I could be in someone else's body.
I'm not even sure if this is making any sense jumping back and forth between Laura and baptism and Denver, but the one thing that I'm trying to say is this....I want to fight. I want the option. I want the control of my own faith and my own mental health. I don't want to be afraid or be ashamed of the choices I've made. I know that when I left Denver it was for my husband and I know that when I left Pennslyvannia it was with hopes that our marriage would get better. I know that when I left the house and moved into this apartment it was because I had to take care of myself and at the same time take care of him. I know that I've made the right decisions through God but the hardest part is walking around feeling like I don't have to convince anyone else that my choices were through God and not for selfish reasons.
I don't want to feel horrible enough to hit myself anymore. I don't want to feel crazy or unable. I don't want to feel weak or tired or out of control. I want that clarity of knowing that the ledge is right there and all I have to do is jump, knowing that my faith and my God will take care of me. I don't want to have just one great day and fifteen horrible ones. When I was in PA I would wake up and often go outside and smell the air as I'd look around at the beautiful leaves changing. Or in Denver even when my husband and I had a fight, walking on my way to school I would look around and see that I was here, I was in my dream, and I was thankful for it. I would look up to the sky, close my eyes, and take a deep breathe and then I would come back down and know that everything, no matter what, would work out because I had God.
Maybe lately my faith has been failing. Maybe I've started to lose hope and that's why it has seemed to be that each day is just another day in passing. Today I am reminded that tomorrow Laura won't be a Myrtle Beach resident anymore. She'll be gone, started on that journey no matter if she's ready or not. She's on it. I don't want to be reminded that this is backwards, that this is me coming back to Myrtle Beach because I failed, because I failed at being a wife, because I failed at believing in God enough, because I failed at praying enough, because I failed at school. I want this to be my journey but where do I begin? And for that, I'll need His help. And for the accountability I'll need true friends. It's a never ending search but at least my faith hasn't failed enough to know that if I can endure it like He has, than my inheritance is waiting. Sometimes I get lost and I think that how could I, me, this horrible sinner, be welcome to the same love and devotion. Maybe I'm not, but maybe, just maybe...I am.
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