Reluctancy

Father,

I feel I have no will, no purpose, no drive, no hope. I feel I've slowly started to die because there is no hope. My brain knows that there is, but my heart feels different. Feels. At times I wonder why we such feelings. What purpose do they serve? Jealousy. Contempt. Fear. Love. Acceptance.

My head is telling me to cheer up because I will meet my match in the future, because You will see me through. It tells me that this didn't happen to me because I am unworthy of love, because I am at fault, because of anything to do with me. I can know that I am worth so much more to You and that I am so special that You would entrust such a duty on me. It tells me that logically, at this time in my life, it would be easier to find that 86% recovery rate and that this time is meant to find myself, to find my confidence, to fight my fears.

My heart tells me otherwise, however. It feels hurt, broken, and abandoned. I feel betrayed and abused. While I know I am no victim, I can't help but to feel that I have done nothing less than be the best person I know how to be and yet this still happened. I wonder if my fears brought me to this result. I wonder if in some way it is all my fault. Had I loved stronger, supported more, encouraged louder, and affirmed verbally and physically. I had I been short tempered, faithful, strong would this have still happened? Was this the result of my failings?

I tear even reading that word; typing the letters combined to form that word I tremble at. Failure. Most know that my husband struggled with this word, with this emotion. He longed for acceptance and pride from his family, his parents. While they made no large goals for him, somehow he always felt as if he fell short of their expectations pending nothing short of discourage. What most did not realize is that I, myself, struggle with this word as well. While his parents had little expectations, mine had great, almost impossible. In the shadows of a sister who let down our father (to him) I was bound to follow by trait even though we were nothing alike. The pride in my fathers voice when I came back to visit after leaving for art school was a new, unfamilar tone. I can only imagine the thoughts he has of me now, knowing that I left art school for a boy, for something to him shouldn't have happened. I find myself always feeling less of extrordinary in his eyes when I once knew the sparkle he kept for me.

A friend was right in saying that all women have "daddy issues". I will not continue.

Father, I am lost in the darkness often searching, guiding my hand on the wall for the light switch. No, lately I've given up on finding the switch. I've somehow plopped unwillingly, selfishly, fearfully in the center of a blackened room waiting for the switch to turn itself on. Iam so spoiled by You. Your righteousness has been unfailing. You've given and proven and tested and still I sit there doing nothing. Why? This I can't understand about myself. I feel so much desire but it's buried beneathe. The feeling that there's something right in front of me but I'm so lazy and unwilling to reach out and grab it. I know that I'm expected to take hold of myself, of my situation and stand proudly screaming your name. I know that I will continue to desend into the pit should I not get up and search once more, but still I sit. Why? Is it my heart that's bearing my weight keeping me floored?

I hate this feeling of disconnect from within my parts. I feel empty and much like swiss cheese. I feel as if my holes are showing and I am beginning to smell. I would love to see the light, to feel Your radiance shine on my face as it once did. I'm lost and I'm not sure how to stand. Father, can you help me stand? How selfish to even ask such a request I know. Time and time again You give me such opportunities and I am weak, afraid, weary of this worlds judgement.

I want to feel whole again! Please help me Father. I want to feel together with my adhesive firm and held. I know that I am so much stronger than this. Why won't I fight? I don't even really know where to begin so I'll begin with saying that I am sorry. I am sorry. This guilt I feel within my heart is so burdening, its hot like fire, burning holes in my soul allow the demons to sink in. I find myself wanting to pray, wanting to speak, but about what? What is it that I shall pray for now? I feel like I don't even deserve to go to You in prayer. I feel I don't deserve to know Your love, as I haven't and don't deserve to know or feel Steve's again.

Have I not, in my heart been faithful to You? Have I not fought hard eough?

Father I'm sorry. I simply can't find the words for prayer, to ask for what I need because I don't know. What I want is the feeling of his hands on my face again. What I want is to feel his kiss first thing in the morning. What I want is to hold his heart in my hands again, but this time with such care as my own. I don't want to feel sick to my stomach thinking about him being right there but not being able to touch him. What I want are the simplest of things, can't those be granted? What I would give to see his face, his smile, hear his laugh. He is my champion, I know that with everything I have and more. I do not want to be with another. I do not want to know life without him. I do not want to smile without sharing his. Wasn't my love an affection enough?

Father, if nothing else help me understand, help me find some resolve. Father, help me find hope that I can stand and that I will stand. I thank you that the weeks go by fast so that I may be pleasured with worshiping You with my brothers and sisters. At the same time I know that the faster they go by, this quicker the holidays approach, the quicker the loneliness will fill my world again. The quicker next year will arrive. I do not want to live without my husbands love. That's not to simply say I wish to die, but I do not want to experience joy and love with another. He was and is my everything. Should there not be any pride in saying that? We made vows, we promised forever, we promised always and forevermore. Father, please forgive me for my selfishness and help me find my way. I know nothing without Your guidance and feel nothing without Your love. I ask for Your everything in return and ask that you take the areas of me that satan has tainted. I have given them to him but now I give them back to You. Father, I am sorry please help me find my way in forgiving myself.

In Your most precious name I cry out to you, Amen.