Tattoo

I'm scared.

I wear one of the newest tattoos on my right wrist which proudly reads: Psalm 56: 3. That passage has become one of my many favorites. I wanted to get it tattooed on my wrist to remind me to always trust in God. The passage proclaims, "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." Funny that the first thing I said when I started this post was that I was scared. I know that God will protect me and that I am always safe in His arms, but I am scared.

I've begged and pleaded and cried and prayed over and over to finally get the answers...for my husband to make his decision if he wants to stay married and work on being a great couple. Today I wasn't smart. Today I sent a text message pleading yet again. Perhaps because of this the phone call he will make tomorrow will have bad news. Perhaps it made him realize some things and it will be good news. Either way it's I hope this finally means that he's made his decision and that by the end of tomorrow I'll either be starting a new life as a soon-to-be divorcee or on the first step to recovering our marriage.

I'm nervous because I don't think it will be good news. I think that in combination to my actions lately with the text message I sent today that it was the last final straw that he could take of me. I don't blame him in a lot of ways for leaving me. I know that I am a handful and that I don't deserve him at times. Maybe he hasn't even made a decision and the phone call is simply to state that he needs more time in addition to the four months he's already gotten.

Do I really blame him for giving up and quitting? I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing if he sent me the text message I sent him. I was scared though. I was trying to protect him and shouldn't that count? He always wants me to be so understanding and to take everything he says at full worth and not out of context as single actions. Why are the standards so twisted?

Either way tomorrow when I wake up my tattoo that reads "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You" remains, however its up to me to read it, and truly understand it, and then to feel it no matter what happens.