The truth is I hate my husband.
The truth is I hate that I hate him.
The truth is I hate myself for being so naive and trusting, so desperate and weak to not look out for myself.
I know I'm just another prey for him to munch on and when the meats all gone and all that's left is the chewy fat resting on bone he'll finish and leave to die just like the rest of them only...I won't die.
I may not have the meat that was juicy as before and my fat and bones might be covered with dirt from nonmovement for so long but the difference will be I'll be the one feasting for years when eventually your prey will run out.
The truth is I want to leave my husband, or rather the person he refuses to change.
So many times he plays dumb asking what I mean when I say that very sentence, but if he really truly allowed himself to be vulnerable long enough so that God could reach in and shake him, he'd know and he'd break down with embarassment again. I'm angry because I don't understand his kind or mine. I despise the women who sit there on the floor crying while their husbands tear them down inside, making them hate themselves even more. Deep down I despise them because that is me and I hate that I'm not strong enough to walk away. The question I have is will my God forgive me if I did? Is that what it truly takes for my husband to find his faith just like history in his family?
He's not a bad person and I'm supposed to love him because he's God's creation but I do hate him. I hate what he does to me and the oblivious nature he carries for someone he "has". The truth is that at times I want to fall unto the depression again, turn my back on God and all the gifts He's provided for me to stay afloat. How easy it would be to trip just once, to slip up causing all those demons to tug and pull at me. At that very thought I invision skinned creatures from the underworld crowded beneath me with their dirty, scathed arms pulling at my own. It doesn't take must to pull me under because I'm ready and willing to give up in this vision.
I know that no amount of numbers notecards could ever make a dent and no amount of kisses or "I love you's" or even prayers could make a difference which is why I always come to the conclusion that the only time it has ever made a dent was when he was forced to be alone, dealing with himself long enough for Christ to crowd his space. But again, the notion comes in that he would soon just mimick this relationship with another, not for lack of love for me but rather lack of love for himself.
Am I doomed to this awful hurtful life? No it's not physically abusive like it used to be but aren't internal wounds much more tedious to heal? There's no bandage that will cover a broken heart except for Christ, which then comes back to the question of forgiveness. Will my God forgive me?
Life was so much easier, or at least becoming manageable and hopeful with the acceptance that this life was over. A blessing in disguise really. Am I bad wife or do I not truly love him if I carry these feelings? Everyday is a battle, a struggle for me to just want to touch his hands or to see his face, a face I often find myself wanting to scrape across with my fist. I find myself fighting revenge as to somehow find justification for every person he made to think I was in the wrong, for every person he convinced I was the bad person when everything in this relationship has changed except for him and still the problems occur.
I know now that there is no hope in showing him and there is only a hope that on that day I leave or die, he'll finally get it. Until then is this my mission Oh God? To live a life, a marriage without fullness or joy or even to know what unconditional love is, to not see my husband walk in your light? Why then did You show me what he could be if I believed? Why then did You allow him to perceive his identity as something else and unveil the truth after I made that promise.
Not ever have I lied about who I am or how I work and still I have no clue who this person is at heart. I do wonder if he would be capable in the latter years to kill without disregard or emotion. Does he?
Why did you give me this life, or allow me to choose this life for myself? Was it to show me the error of my ways because I swear if I knew what I knew now I would say 'no' when he asked if I would date him. I would choose myself instead.
Will he ever find You? Does he even want to? How am I to be married to this man whom I hate, and still love him, care for him, forgive him? How am I to be expected to live each day greatful for this life when all I want is a new one, a new husband or at least the husband I know he could be. Is it possible to believe and have hope but not get your hopes up?
I don't want to carry this rock anymore simply because I'm nothing. I am nothing because of this man and the funny part is he wouldn't even know it.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Future novelist
I think I'll write a book.
No one ever said that writing a book had to be published to be great, of course that would be the public standard huh?
Isn't it interesting that anything could really be published these days but yet people are so afraid of the judgement that they shy away from telling their story.
I'd like to write a book and it used to be writing to help others, to paint a better name for myself, to just make money and have fun writing. Now, I want to write a book to heal old wounds. I want to see the words on the page, just like a journal or a letter, accept it as truth and be in a place where I can then say "okay", put down the book, close the chapter, and move on.
I wonder if in life I have a greater purpose and I end up spending more time wondering than actually doing. Even if it sucks, I'll heal because it's a learning process just like life and I feel like once you've figured out how to survive life in a healthy way...nothing will ever stop or slow you down.
The biggest obstacle I have is wanting to walk away from my husband. Of course I love him more than any other person in my life at this moment but I do fight the urge to see how much better, how much easier, how much growth and health would come without him. Of course when I'm not stuck in my emotions I realize that walking away would be the equivalent to leaving a wounded man behind in battle and for me, personally, I just wouldn't want to live with that.
Like anything else I would learn to forgive myself for it and I think that's the biggest difference between me and some others who have walked away is because I know I would be hurt, ashamed, embarassed at times but overall it's like every other decision made in my life meant to be accepted as either good or bad, right or wrong.
I won't leave my husband not because I can't, not because I love him too much, not because I'm afraid I'll never love again or that someone could ever love me again, and surely not because of loneliness. I won't leave my husband because this is not my life and this is not the hand I would've dealt myself. This life isn't about me or what I want for myself or how I want my life to go. This life is about learning how to readjust myself to fit the needs of my God and to me that is the only reason I keep choosing every day that I am reminded of how sad and lonely it can be even with my husband, because I know that this is not my life.
I know that my God would forgive me if I ever chose to leave and He would understand if I felt like I was at the end of my rope with nowhere to go, but I know that there is always more rope even when it seems there isn't and that there will always be the hope of what joys He will bring should I choose freely to abide in Him. I'm not trapped into my decision like I once argued, I am open and free to make whatever choice I want to make but I must always remember that this is not my life and who am I to say how it's supposed to run?
This is what I want my book to be about. What I have physically, emotionally, spiritually survived is easily equivalent to physical pain or injury or sickness. When I hear about stories of children with cancer, men who lost their legs in war, or women who overcame rape and abuse I equate my own struggles with theirs. Most will say how dare I say it's the same but we are all human and we are all capable of the same feelings no matter what circumstances we are in. Sometimes all it take to feel depression is the thought that you're not good enough and sometimes for others it's physical abuse from a parent or stranger who raped you in an alleyway.
So, I'll write because I have the ability to and I'll enjoy every minute of my day because it was made for me, just me.
No one ever said that writing a book had to be published to be great, of course that would be the public standard huh?
Isn't it interesting that anything could really be published these days but yet people are so afraid of the judgement that they shy away from telling their story.
I'd like to write a book and it used to be writing to help others, to paint a better name for myself, to just make money and have fun writing. Now, I want to write a book to heal old wounds. I want to see the words on the page, just like a journal or a letter, accept it as truth and be in a place where I can then say "okay", put down the book, close the chapter, and move on.
I wonder if in life I have a greater purpose and I end up spending more time wondering than actually doing. Even if it sucks, I'll heal because it's a learning process just like life and I feel like once you've figured out how to survive life in a healthy way...nothing will ever stop or slow you down.
The biggest obstacle I have is wanting to walk away from my husband. Of course I love him more than any other person in my life at this moment but I do fight the urge to see how much better, how much easier, how much growth and health would come without him. Of course when I'm not stuck in my emotions I realize that walking away would be the equivalent to leaving a wounded man behind in battle and for me, personally, I just wouldn't want to live with that.
Like anything else I would learn to forgive myself for it and I think that's the biggest difference between me and some others who have walked away is because I know I would be hurt, ashamed, embarassed at times but overall it's like every other decision made in my life meant to be accepted as either good or bad, right or wrong.
I won't leave my husband not because I can't, not because I love him too much, not because I'm afraid I'll never love again or that someone could ever love me again, and surely not because of loneliness. I won't leave my husband because this is not my life and this is not the hand I would've dealt myself. This life isn't about me or what I want for myself or how I want my life to go. This life is about learning how to readjust myself to fit the needs of my God and to me that is the only reason I keep choosing every day that I am reminded of how sad and lonely it can be even with my husband, because I know that this is not my life.
I know that my God would forgive me if I ever chose to leave and He would understand if I felt like I was at the end of my rope with nowhere to go, but I know that there is always more rope even when it seems there isn't and that there will always be the hope of what joys He will bring should I choose freely to abide in Him. I'm not trapped into my decision like I once argued, I am open and free to make whatever choice I want to make but I must always remember that this is not my life and who am I to say how it's supposed to run?
This is what I want my book to be about. What I have physically, emotionally, spiritually survived is easily equivalent to physical pain or injury or sickness. When I hear about stories of children with cancer, men who lost their legs in war, or women who overcame rape and abuse I equate my own struggles with theirs. Most will say how dare I say it's the same but we are all human and we are all capable of the same feelings no matter what circumstances we are in. Sometimes all it take to feel depression is the thought that you're not good enough and sometimes for others it's physical abuse from a parent or stranger who raped you in an alleyway.
So, I'll write because I have the ability to and I'll enjoy every minute of my day because it was made for me, just me.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Fact is Fact.
How do I know I made the right decision? Because the man doesn't care about my worries. He cares about having a third person paying the rent. Here's the facts.
1. We aren't "strong enough" to renew our vows but yet he wants to move in together.
2. We don't get along even if staying together for a week at a time and yet he's convinced we would be good living together.
3. He has to "think about" me staying the night but yet he wants to sleep together for the rest of our lives.
4. Recently when I asked him if he would re-marry me he lied to me about it but yet he says we're strong enough to live and trust one another again.
In my "expert" opinion, this man has confused what is from will be. We will be in a position in the future and I think the reason he has grown more frustrated is for perhaps the first time I have said "no" to a proposition followed by extensive fibs to sweeten the deal. I am proud of myself and where I will be because at the end of it, I will know exactly how to say "no" when it happens again.
I just think that the logics of what is fact is humorous and ironic considering the man who perceives it incorrectly considers himself in deed logical. Fact is fact.
1. We aren't "strong enough" to renew our vows but yet he wants to move in together.
2. We don't get along even if staying together for a week at a time and yet he's convinced we would be good living together.
3. He has to "think about" me staying the night but yet he wants to sleep together for the rest of our lives.
4. Recently when I asked him if he would re-marry me he lied to me about it but yet he says we're strong enough to live and trust one another again.
In my "expert" opinion, this man has confused what is from will be. We will be in a position in the future and I think the reason he has grown more frustrated is for perhaps the first time I have said "no" to a proposition followed by extensive fibs to sweeten the deal. I am proud of myself and where I will be because at the end of it, I will know exactly how to say "no" when it happens again.
I just think that the logics of what is fact is humorous and ironic considering the man who perceives it incorrectly considers himself in deed logical. Fact is fact.
Sheer coincidence?
So...if you know anything about mine and my husband's story, backgrounds and all you would know that every single fear I've ever had in my life, in my marriage has come true.
Sometimes my curiousity really gets the best of me and I do something that I always regret later. In a way I regret it, however, don't because it sparks something inside me to raise to a challenge that doesn't even exist. At first this challenge did exist and I catered to it's every whim simply because I wasn't confident enough to stand up for who I was/am as a woman. In fact it's taken several months, years even for me to even feel as if I were a "real" woman.
I think that confidence in who you are isn't necessarily the packaged deal because you can be confident in what you have to offer but at the same time not confident about what you are or what you stand for. The unique qualities about all of us are so much easier to accept than the simple facts of merely being a woman versus a teenager versus an adolescent. Call it what you will, albeit the way I was raised by my father living states away from my mother, or whatever but it didn't change the fact that I still wasn't confident that I was a real woman.
I guess somewhere I got lost in my own mind not knowing that I was, or could be and thus all of my thoughts fed fears and caused so much pain for myself because of my lack of confidence in being more than just an adolescent.
Just now I had one of those moments where I did something I regret but kind've don't. I smile or smirk sometimes and laugh to myself inside when I think about the "if" of Amanda Cowan. Her name is Amanda Cowan Baker now but as my husband knows her she will forever be Amanda Cowan, the one that got away. To me, and perhaps only me, she isn't and will never be 'the one'. At first, especially when she started becoming a part of our lives again I truly didn't want to believe this fact and I really did think that perhaps I was some sort of substitute for his previous girlfriend Lexi and Amanda. It was really hard to stomach possibly meeting her and being "friends" with her when it became evident that their long-term friendship, one that I "could never understand" became more important than our marriage. It became excruciatingly painful when I found out that my husband felt more comfort in talking to her about our marital problems instead of me so that we could find a solution together. I felt so cheated.
Anyways, I won't rehash the past but all I can say is that I am 'the one' because any other 'one' would've left a long time ago and if I did leave...it would've been that moment of desperation for self existence knowing that I had escaped your grasp finally leaving you forever.
I just laugh at the coincidences that are provided just to prick those fears within me. The shocking similarities to the women that he has previously dated before me is so weird. For instance, Amanda, or Mandy as he knew her. She is very strong-willed because she had to face losing her mother in highschool to cancer, she's joined the army and ran a marathon. I've wanted to run a marathon and she's already done it while living in Hawaii where she graduated from massage therapy school, to which my husband would benefit completely considering his extensive back problems. She also paints and draws tattoos and now in her free time between being superwoman and fixing up her house while her husband is in the army and raising three children she also draws tattoos for people and studies to become a veterinarian tech. She runs about 7 miles a day and to my fears is the perfect model of what he would want for a wife. She's strong minded and opinionated which is the one evidence I see to them never truly being a fit for each other because she would not put up with my husband's bullshit, but then again I allow myself to believe that she still is the perfect image of what he never knew he always wanted. Perhaps her confidence and strong will would've been beneficial to his short comings, but we'll never know because that ship sailed several years ago.
What's sad is that there is a possibility that if things worked out differently, and if he wouldn't have abandoned her and joined the Marines only to be medically discharged later on, that they would be together. The sadness comes in knowing that I would've gotten the boot without him ever truly admitting to how wonderful I am. Perhaps he'll never see that like he did that short period of time.
Then you have Krissy, or as she prefers Kristeena. She's the "free-spirited" woman that captivated his liking with her flirtaious and curvacious body and confidence. I now am forced to live with her as a friend in my life, which she is a wonderful person, but there still is that undeniable elephant that she has slept with my husband and he has again talked with her openly about our marriage instead of me. She also has the ability to cook home-cooked meals which is something no doubt my husband would love considering his mom loves to cook and would always make meals when they were children. She has large breasts which has always been something he has liked. She is adventurous sexually and no doubt probably the best he's ever had although he's admitted that I was. She also paints and is crafty.
The uncanny coincidences that continue to appear are frustrating but a challenge none-the-less. I have had to battle each one of his skeletons and at times I feel like I'll never win, but the truth is with or without my husband...I have won because it doesn't matter who he ends up with as long as I stay true to who I am. If it were to be that he and I were never meant to be together forever and he did end up with the perfect blend of all of us combined, I would be hurt for a while, rejected, but I would know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a man out there that will not require me to be challenged by his past every day of my life and to constantly doubt, or combat every coincidence that arises.
This is a simple lesson to which has taken me years to suggest, digest, and perfect to which I may never perfect...but strive to everyday.
Sometimes my curiousity really gets the best of me and I do something that I always regret later. In a way I regret it, however, don't because it sparks something inside me to raise to a challenge that doesn't even exist. At first this challenge did exist and I catered to it's every whim simply because I wasn't confident enough to stand up for who I was/am as a woman. In fact it's taken several months, years even for me to even feel as if I were a "real" woman.
I think that confidence in who you are isn't necessarily the packaged deal because you can be confident in what you have to offer but at the same time not confident about what you are or what you stand for. The unique qualities about all of us are so much easier to accept than the simple facts of merely being a woman versus a teenager versus an adolescent. Call it what you will, albeit the way I was raised by my father living states away from my mother, or whatever but it didn't change the fact that I still wasn't confident that I was a real woman.
I guess somewhere I got lost in my own mind not knowing that I was, or could be and thus all of my thoughts fed fears and caused so much pain for myself because of my lack of confidence in being more than just an adolescent.
Just now I had one of those moments where I did something I regret but kind've don't. I smile or smirk sometimes and laugh to myself inside when I think about the "if" of Amanda Cowan. Her name is Amanda Cowan Baker now but as my husband knows her she will forever be Amanda Cowan, the one that got away. To me, and perhaps only me, she isn't and will never be 'the one'. At first, especially when she started becoming a part of our lives again I truly didn't want to believe this fact and I really did think that perhaps I was some sort of substitute for his previous girlfriend Lexi and Amanda. It was really hard to stomach possibly meeting her and being "friends" with her when it became evident that their long-term friendship, one that I "could never understand" became more important than our marriage. It became excruciatingly painful when I found out that my husband felt more comfort in talking to her about our marital problems instead of me so that we could find a solution together. I felt so cheated.
Anyways, I won't rehash the past but all I can say is that I am 'the one' because any other 'one' would've left a long time ago and if I did leave...it would've been that moment of desperation for self existence knowing that I had escaped your grasp finally leaving you forever.
I just laugh at the coincidences that are provided just to prick those fears within me. The shocking similarities to the women that he has previously dated before me is so weird. For instance, Amanda, or Mandy as he knew her. She is very strong-willed because she had to face losing her mother in highschool to cancer, she's joined the army and ran a marathon. I've wanted to run a marathon and she's already done it while living in Hawaii where she graduated from massage therapy school, to which my husband would benefit completely considering his extensive back problems. She also paints and draws tattoos and now in her free time between being superwoman and fixing up her house while her husband is in the army and raising three children she also draws tattoos for people and studies to become a veterinarian tech. She runs about 7 miles a day and to my fears is the perfect model of what he would want for a wife. She's strong minded and opinionated which is the one evidence I see to them never truly being a fit for each other because she would not put up with my husband's bullshit, but then again I allow myself to believe that she still is the perfect image of what he never knew he always wanted. Perhaps her confidence and strong will would've been beneficial to his short comings, but we'll never know because that ship sailed several years ago.
What's sad is that there is a possibility that if things worked out differently, and if he wouldn't have abandoned her and joined the Marines only to be medically discharged later on, that they would be together. The sadness comes in knowing that I would've gotten the boot without him ever truly admitting to how wonderful I am. Perhaps he'll never see that like he did that short period of time.
Then you have Krissy, or as she prefers Kristeena. She's the "free-spirited" woman that captivated his liking with her flirtaious and curvacious body and confidence. I now am forced to live with her as a friend in my life, which she is a wonderful person, but there still is that undeniable elephant that she has slept with my husband and he has again talked with her openly about our marriage instead of me. She also has the ability to cook home-cooked meals which is something no doubt my husband would love considering his mom loves to cook and would always make meals when they were children. She has large breasts which has always been something he has liked. She is adventurous sexually and no doubt probably the best he's ever had although he's admitted that I was. She also paints and is crafty.
The uncanny coincidences that continue to appear are frustrating but a challenge none-the-less. I have had to battle each one of his skeletons and at times I feel like I'll never win, but the truth is with or without my husband...I have won because it doesn't matter who he ends up with as long as I stay true to who I am. If it were to be that he and I were never meant to be together forever and he did end up with the perfect blend of all of us combined, I would be hurt for a while, rejected, but I would know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a man out there that will not require me to be challenged by his past every day of my life and to constantly doubt, or combat every coincidence that arises.
This is a simple lesson to which has taken me years to suggest, digest, and perfect to which I may never perfect...but strive to everyday.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Just a little sneeze...
I have to admit that today I'm a little sad. I'm not completely sure why though. Ever feel like your emotions are something that is so completely different from your brain? Like somehow they're a virus that you take a whiff of and then sneeze it out after it tickles your nose. It took me a long time to realize how to even get rid of unwanted, or damaging feelings, but I'd be lying if I said it's still a constant battle not to live inside of them rather than they inside of you.
Haha, when I think about that very fact I get this image in my mind of a person jumping into a tiny cup, circus style where they jump from a large platform into a horrifically small cup and somehow they fit perfectly. So, thinking about that makes me laugh because it's impossible to do, so it helps gain perspective that's what I'm trying to do when I'm feeling down or depressed.
Perhaps maybe it's the sunshine that has left the skies today, but then again I knew it would be rainy this weekend. Perhaps it's because I told Steve that we wouldn't be living together and I don't want him to be mad at me, or ignore me, or pull away from me. The hardest part is knowing and responding to his reactions, justly. I know that when I moved out and into this apartment it was really hard for him and it was extremely hard for me to muster up the guts to go through with it but I'm glad that I did because I don't know if we'd still be together had I not done that. I didn't understand why he didn't choose me and it was really hard to understand his actions, or his feelings and perhaps you could say that I'm also a little sad because I know that we are so very similar and that I need to work on my actions and reactions as well.
I want to be as patient and kind as I was that day we sat together in church for the first time after three or four months of barely recognizing that either one of us existed. I know that God has helped me find patience but I know that I need to learn more and I know that it's going to take so much more from me. A part of me is ready and willing, but there is always another part of me that really doesn't know if I'm capable of doing anything more until I'm sitting there looking back and realizing how proud I should've been of the work He was doing inside of me and how much I had gained.
Maybe I'm a little sad because I was really looking forward to living with my husband again and I know he'll be really hurt and upset by that and I'll have to stand by my decision recognizing if it's right or wrong when it comes and not taking into consideration what anyone else says. I know that I have to be confident that I made the decision but not conceited or controlling or too prideful to admit that I was wrong. I have to make these decisions in order to grow and I really feel like we aren't ready to live together and to be quite honest I knew that inside the only positive was that I we would save money. That shouldn't be the positive that I look for. It should be I love him and I've missed him so much that now we get to wake up together again, and come home and see each other there. So, I know that I'm not ready yet as crappy and as frustrating as that is.
As I'm typing I'm not feeling as frustrated about my decision or as sad as before. I'm happy for all the wonderful opportunities happening around me but I would also be lying if I said I wasn't sure what God wanted me to do. I know that there would be some great opportunities if Kim and I moved to Columbia and it would really force me to change, or it might force me into depression much like an animal when their owner goes off to work.
Which reminds me of Laura-kitty. I worry about her but at the same time I know that God directed her to me, but I'm not certain she'll be outside, or is outside and I feel so horrible allowing her to stay outside. This past week I haven't looked for her and it makes me feel like I'm just letting her suffer and selfishly continuing on with my life. I don't want to use God as an excuse and say "I'm just trusting God", which yes, I am, or trying to. But at the same time I know that I could do more and I'm not. Why? I wish I could just go right into those woods and search around. At least that would make me feel a heck of a lot better and not that she's just bundled up under some bush somewhere freezing from the wind and rain that's coming our way, or sweating to death from the 83% humidity we've been having lately.
I keep telling myself to just stay close to God and keep going. I feel like I've slipped just a little bit here in this past week or so, which makes me question my decisions although I know I've kept Him close to my heart and consulted Him.
All I can do is take my own advice and trust that God is leading me and that He will show me where I am wrong. I have faith that He will humble me as He has before. My only prayer today is for my husband and my Laura-kitty. I pray that they are safe and as I let go and let God I pray that they know just how much I love them and how much I wish they were always in my life. I pray for Laura-kitty to find a home where she can be loved as much as I've loved her, and more. I pray that Steve can find his faith, strong, but not forget how much I love him and want to be with him forever.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to have a place where I can come and just let it out.
Haha, when I think about that very fact I get this image in my mind of a person jumping into a tiny cup, circus style where they jump from a large platform into a horrifically small cup and somehow they fit perfectly. So, thinking about that makes me laugh because it's impossible to do, so it helps gain perspective that's what I'm trying to do when I'm feeling down or depressed.
Perhaps maybe it's the sunshine that has left the skies today, but then again I knew it would be rainy this weekend. Perhaps it's because I told Steve that we wouldn't be living together and I don't want him to be mad at me, or ignore me, or pull away from me. The hardest part is knowing and responding to his reactions, justly. I know that when I moved out and into this apartment it was really hard for him and it was extremely hard for me to muster up the guts to go through with it but I'm glad that I did because I don't know if we'd still be together had I not done that. I didn't understand why he didn't choose me and it was really hard to understand his actions, or his feelings and perhaps you could say that I'm also a little sad because I know that we are so very similar and that I need to work on my actions and reactions as well.
I want to be as patient and kind as I was that day we sat together in church for the first time after three or four months of barely recognizing that either one of us existed. I know that God has helped me find patience but I know that I need to learn more and I know that it's going to take so much more from me. A part of me is ready and willing, but there is always another part of me that really doesn't know if I'm capable of doing anything more until I'm sitting there looking back and realizing how proud I should've been of the work He was doing inside of me and how much I had gained.
Maybe I'm a little sad because I was really looking forward to living with my husband again and I know he'll be really hurt and upset by that and I'll have to stand by my decision recognizing if it's right or wrong when it comes and not taking into consideration what anyone else says. I know that I have to be confident that I made the decision but not conceited or controlling or too prideful to admit that I was wrong. I have to make these decisions in order to grow and I really feel like we aren't ready to live together and to be quite honest I knew that inside the only positive was that I we would save money. That shouldn't be the positive that I look for. It should be I love him and I've missed him so much that now we get to wake up together again, and come home and see each other there. So, I know that I'm not ready yet as crappy and as frustrating as that is.
As I'm typing I'm not feeling as frustrated about my decision or as sad as before. I'm happy for all the wonderful opportunities happening around me but I would also be lying if I said I wasn't sure what God wanted me to do. I know that there would be some great opportunities if Kim and I moved to Columbia and it would really force me to change, or it might force me into depression much like an animal when their owner goes off to work.
Which reminds me of Laura-kitty. I worry about her but at the same time I know that God directed her to me, but I'm not certain she'll be outside, or is outside and I feel so horrible allowing her to stay outside. This past week I haven't looked for her and it makes me feel like I'm just letting her suffer and selfishly continuing on with my life. I don't want to use God as an excuse and say "I'm just trusting God", which yes, I am, or trying to. But at the same time I know that I could do more and I'm not. Why? I wish I could just go right into those woods and search around. At least that would make me feel a heck of a lot better and not that she's just bundled up under some bush somewhere freezing from the wind and rain that's coming our way, or sweating to death from the 83% humidity we've been having lately.
I keep telling myself to just stay close to God and keep going. I feel like I've slipped just a little bit here in this past week or so, which makes me question my decisions although I know I've kept Him close to my heart and consulted Him.
All I can do is take my own advice and trust that God is leading me and that He will show me where I am wrong. I have faith that He will humble me as He has before. My only prayer today is for my husband and my Laura-kitty. I pray that they are safe and as I let go and let God I pray that they know just how much I love them and how much I wish they were always in my life. I pray for Laura-kitty to find a home where she can be loved as much as I've loved her, and more. I pray that Steve can find his faith, strong, but not forget how much I love him and want to be with him forever.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to have a place where I can come and just let it out.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Frustrating!
So much for not going backwards huh? I'm so tired of doing so well and getting into a groove and then being knocked down and going backwards about five feet. It's so frustrating, especially because mentally I'm trying so hard to handle everything. Maybe I'm not as strong as I think I am. I just want to do something different, to just do it! To be there already and to stop having things happen that make me want to quit. Can't I just have enough time to find a rythm and it becomes a habit before I'm challenged? So frustrating!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
April 6th
I'm so desperate today for change. I don't want to be afraid anymore, or controlled, or allow my emotions to get out of control. I am better than what I was and because of that I can walk away from things that need to be walked away from. I can't allow myself to be sucked in anymore, no matter who it is. Because it's like the song goes..."if that's what love is, it costs too much". This morning I just want to pray. "Oh Heavenly Father. Father of everything, every creature, every creation in this life. You are truly amazing to all of us and most of us, including me, take that forgranted more so than not. All I ask of You today is to search my heart, search my soul and apply the lessons to my life that will make me as strong as You need me to be. I pray this special prayer in Your holy name, amen."
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