Overdue Prayer

Latley, I've been kind've outside of myself. Today, I want to say to God what I should've been grounded to say all week long.

Heavenly Father,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way that I've been living life lately; ungrateful, scattered, and confused. I know that I am human but I don't want to use that as an excuse right now. We both know I could've done a lot better. We both know I could've stood up a little more, been patient, more kind. We both know that if I would've held myself accountable I wouldn't have had so many drowsy, confused, freaked-out days.

The truth is father that it's me. I've let myself lose control of the situation and while You're the one that's in control, I've let go of my own responsibilities and for that I am sorry. I have relied so much on You to tell me and have refused to listen. I have tried to make something happen because I thought that's what you wanted and then tried to pick out ways that it could've been You that told me to do it when we both know that's not how this works.

The hard part is letting go Father. Letting go of the worries. It's one thing to pray it, it's another to feel it. I think in some ways I have but in others I'm still holding on to something that isn't in my control, like destiny, fate, future, and time. So often I get caught up in feeling like I have to be the one who gets something done instead of sitting back and waiting for You to work in me. I've wondered about my future and how I can kill a few stones all at once instead of just listening to you.

Father, I have no idea if I'm supposed to be in the National Guard or not. I know that there are benefits to both sides and I am completely confused as to what You want and how to listen to You. I know that I'm more scared to come out of it with broken faith and no one to help me come back. I know that I'm scared of a lot of things but what it truly comes down to is will I have enough courage to take a leap and to trust that You have my back no matter what I choose. I know that with You I could get through any experience, but I'm not certain if this isn't happening because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, or because it's not really what You want for me.

I know that there are lots of other ways I can be fearless in my faith and I have been too scared to take advantage of those opportunities as well. All of this fear within me; it's just another reason why joining the NG would force me to be a better version of myself.

All I've wanted is accountability. Ya know, it's not even something that's a hard thing to find as long as there's just one other person there to help you. Ya know ?It's not that I'm trying to put all the blame or responsibility on someone else because I'm not, it's my problem to hold myself accountable. I know that. But I also have to be realistic, realistic and know that I am sick and a part of me healing and learning how to cope on my own, to develop those skills is help.

Well, I won't go into all of that again because I don't want to make it seem like "oh poor me" because in reality, in comparison, I have a wonderful life even with all the bad. I have a family who loves me, friends who make me laugh, and I have a great sense of humor that makes others laugh. I'm happy and I know that You will provide. I just fear that I'll make everything worse, like some would say, like I think the tapes in my head still play from time to time.

"You ruin everything Katie!"

I think the largest reason why I wanted to join the NG was because I wanted to be fearless in my faith and then it became such a fear to even walk through the doors to get more information that it was my faith was useless with all the fear in me. If I can't even walk through the doors what does that say about my faith? What does that say about me?

Even now, today, I'm not worried about joining because I'm happy. I'm happy because I see good things in the future to come. I see traveling and going back to visit friends in Denver and exploring what it used to be. I'm looking forward to seeing the place that I loved and could see myself being comfortable and confident in my art, in my thoughts, in my body for the first time. I want to go back and not think, "man I want to be here again" but I want to close my eyes, breathe deep, and smile because I did it. I made it happen once and even just for a short time I succeeded!

Father, all week long I've asked for things I've thought I was supposed to ask for; patience, discernment, etc. I know that You're above me and that You know when there is an empty prayer. Father it's not that I didn't truly feel these things and that I didn't want them. It's that it wasn't from my heart, at least not everything I prayed about.

Father thank you for all the good that You're bring to me, to my life. For a long time in Denver it was truly a darkness I never wanted to revisit and suddenly after I moved out and into my apartment I was in that darkness again. Both times You have shown me that if I wait on You than things will get better.

I know now that we are expected to fall, to crawl, and at times sit in the middle of the darkness because You want us to keep going, to keep believing. You allow certain hardships in our lives to build our faith, to build our love, and courage for You. I know that this is it and that this while mild, is my darkness, but I have hope because of You, because of past example, because You love me.

Father I want to ask for forgiveness. I want to ask for a second chance at holding myself accountable. I am truly sorry for the things that I have done to show not love towards You but something else. I do love You Father and I ask that YOU guide me to the future that YOU want me to take so that I may better carry out YOUR will. Teach me as YOU see fit.

Father I also want to just ask for that one humanly person to help hold me accountable. Who may not solely rely on me and I on them, but that we may build our confidence together not as two humans helping one another but as two humans willing to sacrifice their lives, their time, and their bodies so that You may work through them. Father I ask for accountability and for a helper of mine own.

In Your most heavenly name I pray, amen.

Wishes don't come true

I wish I had a partner who was accountable, reliable, and most of all just there. Today I've got about 1000 different things going through my head and the beauty of having a best friend who's your partner is knowing they're the ones you can count on to help sort through it all. They're the ones who are going to listen to what's going on in your brain and help you take one thought at a time, not to make you feel stupid or forgettable.

And they certainly can't just ignore you.

I have no clue what I'm doing in my life. All of a sudden it seems so out of control and I'm not sure if it's that it seems that way or if it's because I let it get to this point. Maybe I'm just freaking out unnecessarily.

Either way this is why it comes down to feeling alone, even when I know that I'm not; because the one person I want and really really wish I had next to me... is lost in his own little world, unreachable.

Father, please help me to makes sense of my life. Help be that partner for me. Send me help so that I may know Your will for me. Use me how you see fit and if anything else I ask for Your forgiveness and regulation. In Your precious name, amen.

The Next Chapter

Should something like a marriage be a place where you're still just living your life? Should it be that you're living a life for someone else? Should it be that you're only a part of someone's life, playing a supporting character but not really half of the whole show?

Maybe I still haven't figured out what this marriage was, is, or will become.

I know now as I sit here and wonder that isn't a life that I thought I would have. Do I love my narcissist? Yes, absolutely! Is my frustrations merely just a side affect of spending eternity with one person? I'm not sure. I know that a lot of things in life aren't meant to be solved and that questioning the 'why's' are pointless. I know that there are times when I don't know anything, but this much is true that it's not the life I wanted.

Never in my wildest of dreams did I think that I would have a life that I live, married to a man that I love, one day going to have children together...who doesn't even know who I am or what I do; who may not even care about my life and if I live it for me, God, but only if I play a valid part in his life.

The downside of narcissm is loneliness; loneliness in the partners life. A lot of times they're oblivious to the lives that live outside of theirs and if it's not for their sole purpose of survival it should not and does not exist.

Take this blog for example. I write in it. It's a place where I can come and be safe with my thoughts. I want it to be something to help others, if they read. In most instances I would like to have my partner read it because he's interested in how I work, in my mind, in my thoughts, in my life which is very difficult for the brain of a narcissist to do.

Most of the time I feel like I'm just a person living a completely seperate life from my partner without him ever knowing it. Every little move that I make doesn't seem to make one bit of difference, right or wrong unless it involves him. If it is something that is "wrong" by my biblical standards than it's not worth the time spent helping to encourage that it was wrong for those reasons, at least not to him. If it's something that has directly resulted in affecting his life, it is completely unacceptable.

Should this be the way a marriage is to survive? Can it survive this way?

Not so long ago I lost friends and family because of these decisions that I've made, to sacrifice, to make time for, to learn my lines for this never-ending opera. If you ask me why I did I'll say it was because of love. I'll say at first it was because I loved my narcissist before I knew who he truly was. After that it was because I loved my narcissist because I knew who he truly was. But somewhere in my complete personal overhaul did I choose to do what I did because I loved God despite of who my narcissist was, or possibly will be.

My life is a great life. It's life. I live for God and I'm grateful for what I have. If I can't stand up to any of the promises I've made to myself, to my narcissit or anyone else...I have to be willing to stand up for the promise I made to God no matter how I'm feeling. There are most certainly great times between us, however, there is most certainly a 'but' that follows that statement. Should there be?

Most of the time at the end of a long, strenuous, stressful, frustrating day I have to ask myself not how much I love my narcissist, but rather how much do I love God. Do I love him enough to carry the burden of being a wife to a narcissist?

I realize now that to wonder if he'll change, or even if he can, isn't right to do. I believe more in the power of God than I do my narcissist and with that I know that he will. God is strong even when partner is weak and God is humble even when my he is too proud. I know that with God's help and guidance that he will change some day. One day God will provide strength and courage to my narcissist so that he will no longer be stuck in his days of selfishness and blame. I know that God works in His time, not mine. Suddenly as I write I feel relief to know that it's ok to live my life accordingly, not selfishly, or sacrificially.

I know that it is not my responsibility to change him, it is His. God has shown me the power of giving my narcissist to Him and I have lost that. When I left my narcissist for the first time I was afraid. I was afraid but I knew I wouldn't survive otherwise. I didn't just decide for myself, I decided for my narcissist that I did him no good falling in the hole with him.

On the car ride to my new apartment I cried, and cried but what I remember saying is this: "Take him. Father take him. He is yours now. I'm sorry if I've made the wrong decision. I'm sorry I couldn't change him."

In time God worked in his heart and even though it was painful to watch God gave me what I wanted and He will do it again. I'm thankful for the work He has done in me, especially with the knowledge and experience of letting God handle my narcissist.

So the only question that remains now is "What will I choose to do with my time in waiting?" To that I'll answer, "defy gravity and live to the fullest for Him and only Him!"

Testament of Lessons Learned

Here's the thing.

I have never pretended to be perfect. In most ways I am expectedly unperfect, but in other ways I am extraordinary. Do I have room to grow? Absolutely! This blog, "Me, My Narcissist, and God" is my story. It's my life. Day-in and day-out.

I know that to prove to myself and to my narcissist that anything is possible I have to step it up. I have to take that leap and try to defy gravity. Perhaps this is why I was chosen to be his wife, perhaps it's farther from God's plan than He would intend. I have to trust that He knows what's right and I've always, even as a kid, known that He was there.

I'd like to tell you of a little girl. She lived all alone with her dad and sister. Once upon a time she had a mother. After her mother and father divorced she lived vibrantly in the little girls imagination. Her mother could be "anything", she'd say but she'd always be there when she was needed most. The little girl was a tom-boy at first but after she and her family moved she got lost between the cracks. On one side you had the little girls who had their mother and were complete as women and on the other side you had the little girls who only had their daddy but were always known for being daddy's little girl. This little girl couldn't quite manage either one.

After her sister moved out of the house the little girl took care of her father, loving, feeding, and idolizing him as if she were 'daddy's little girl'. As the girl grew older and more reluctant to be her father's maid their relationship grew to non-existent.

One could say that because of the way the little girl grew up that she was bound to be labeled as damaged, which certainly wasn't short of her self-evaluations.

Years passed and she found herself two years into the marriage with problems from ear to ear. "Was she the one who caused it all for being 'damaged' goods?" Most would assume, "yes, she was". It was safe to presume that because she had fewer cheerleaders routing for her and less family that it had to be her that would be the death of the marriage.

Now at this point in the story don't believe everything that meets the eye, she was most certainly damaged in some ways, but "broken" she was not. All she needed was a little faith in her, a few more cheerleaders and she'd be ready to leave all the 'damaged' for good.

Now, the only question left wasn't whether she could do anything, but rather if she would.

Future Predictions

So many things running through my head right now. The majority of "lessons" I've learned are coming down to one single thought. "Have I truly learned from my mistakes enough to know not to let them happen again?"

...

3rd Wheel

Never did I imagine that when my husband decided to move out, on his own was it because he wanted to have the single life instead of accepting responsibilities as a husband. Never did I think that I was alone because he wanted to have fun and never did I think that I sold my beautiful things in my apartment to move in with someone who wasn't committed to me. I wouldn't have, I was fine where I was. In reality I needed that time to be myself, to find who I was instead of jumping into another relationship. It's upsetting to think the whole time I knew what was going on and no one believed me and when they had the slightest bit of validity they disregarded it with justifications and blame.

I was certain and no one believed me. Just like I was certain to know that we would never have a seperate life outside of his friends or family lerking around us. Do I like their involvement? I like their love, unconditional love but we both know that doesn't exist to them unless you're perfect or blood. I am neither so it was different for me, completely different.

I do not intend to complain about the past but rather hindsights point of view.

What I feel today isn't about his family it's about his friends. Don't get me wrong on a happy day I'm glad to spend time with them, they are fun, and at the right time just what one needs, but they aren't and shouldn't be such a large part of this marriage. In a way it's what I've always been fighting for for this marriage and haven't won. Just when I think I've made my point there you'll find another obstacle stuck in between us. First it was committment, then addiction, then truth, distance, family, time, and now friends. When will it just be us? Us?

Will it ever be just us? Us having fun just being friends and spending quality time together; not quanitity, but quality.

I miss that. I miss my husband. I miss it being a no brainer to come home and ask me what's for dinner instead of a roommate. I miss the "let's go get breakfast" on the weekends or before church. I miss the time when it was just us where I had my husband all to myself and didn't have to share him to any other person, woman, video game, family event, or friends tagging along.

A lot of times I wonder if his lack of enthusiasm to be 'just us' is because of me, because I am boring. I am not like other woman who have the full package, who have brains. I somehow fell through the cracks and all I have is self-taught knowledge from years of learning how to read people and what is or isn't truth. Isn't that enough? Or shouldn't it be?

It's depressing when I look into our future, into my future and see my own disappointment; to see a life like his parents. I want to be happy and I want to be full, a healthy marriage the way that God intended it to be; us and Him.

Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have taken my chance to leave. What always stops me from believing it was a better choice are two things. Well, maybe, now that I'm thinking about it just one. I loved God too much to walk away from the promise of forever with this man that I chose. I could break 1000 promises to others in this world and be okay with it somehow, but knowing that I broke that one promise to God...I don't know how I would respond or what I would do, but I know I would be sad.

Haha I guess either way I've come out sad.

Maybe it's just the weather.

Yesterday's Encouraging Word

I'm not surprised by checking my e-mail today and seeing that Titus 2:7 was yesterday's encouraging word from K-LOVE. It goes very well with the story I told you in yesterday's post about my friends questions.

"And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching." -Titus 2:7

Thank you Father for listening so intently!