3rd Wheel

Never did I imagine that when my husband decided to move out, on his own was it because he wanted to have the single life instead of accepting responsibilities as a husband. Never did I think that I was alone because he wanted to have fun and never did I think that I sold my beautiful things in my apartment to move in with someone who wasn't committed to me. I wouldn't have, I was fine where I was. In reality I needed that time to be myself, to find who I was instead of jumping into another relationship. It's upsetting to think the whole time I knew what was going on and no one believed me and when they had the slightest bit of validity they disregarded it with justifications and blame.

I was certain and no one believed me. Just like I was certain to know that we would never have a seperate life outside of his friends or family lerking around us. Do I like their involvement? I like their love, unconditional love but we both know that doesn't exist to them unless you're perfect or blood. I am neither so it was different for me, completely different.

I do not intend to complain about the past but rather hindsights point of view.

What I feel today isn't about his family it's about his friends. Don't get me wrong on a happy day I'm glad to spend time with them, they are fun, and at the right time just what one needs, but they aren't and shouldn't be such a large part of this marriage. In a way it's what I've always been fighting for for this marriage and haven't won. Just when I think I've made my point there you'll find another obstacle stuck in between us. First it was committment, then addiction, then truth, distance, family, time, and now friends. When will it just be us? Us?

Will it ever be just us? Us having fun just being friends and spending quality time together; not quanitity, but quality.

I miss that. I miss my husband. I miss it being a no brainer to come home and ask me what's for dinner instead of a roommate. I miss the "let's go get breakfast" on the weekends or before church. I miss the time when it was just us where I had my husband all to myself and didn't have to share him to any other person, woman, video game, family event, or friends tagging along.

A lot of times I wonder if his lack of enthusiasm to be 'just us' is because of me, because I am boring. I am not like other woman who have the full package, who have brains. I somehow fell through the cracks and all I have is self-taught knowledge from years of learning how to read people and what is or isn't truth. Isn't that enough? Or shouldn't it be?

It's depressing when I look into our future, into my future and see my own disappointment; to see a life like his parents. I want to be happy and I want to be full, a healthy marriage the way that God intended it to be; us and Him.

Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have taken my chance to leave. What always stops me from believing it was a better choice are two things. Well, maybe, now that I'm thinking about it just one. I loved God too much to walk away from the promise of forever with this man that I chose. I could break 1000 promises to others in this world and be okay with it somehow, but knowing that I broke that one promise to God...I don't know how I would respond or what I would do, but I know I would be sad.

Haha I guess either way I've come out sad.

Maybe it's just the weather.