"Through Christ Who Strengthens Us"

Sometimes I start to seriously doubt my existence in the spiritual world. Sometimes I think that I am not doing God justice by living my life for Him. However, sometimes just when I forget that I play such a valuable part in God's meticulous plan, He'll show me why He needs me. He has entrusted so much faith, strength, and courage within me. At times when I think about where I was in my life and where I am now it's almost as if there's a transformation of souls.

It used to be my entire life, everything was me, but the more I've let God work in my heart the more I am like Him and suddenly this life doesn't continue as mine anymore. Rather I am the body that serves His purpose. I am His arms and His legs here on this Earth and when I think about it that way it makes it that much easier for me to remember that I have a job to do for Him.

Love.

Love is such a powerful thing. Love isn't just something you share with a partner, a spouse, a friend. Love isn't your favorite movie or spaghetti sauce. Love is what happens when you are afraid but you take a chance any way. Love is forgiving. Love is kind and patient. Love is allowing an enemy to become your best friend. Love is helping the guy who knew he was wrong. Love is never abandoning a true friend but always praying for them even when you don't get the same in return. Love is something that helps us survive and without it we are nothing.

Sometimes I wonder why I gave my husband chance after chance to break my heart all over again. I'm sure he could say the same thing. I wonder what's wrong with me when I allow lies to happen but I forgive them anyway. I wonder what in the world was I thinking by trying to be friends with someone I can't stand, or don't get along with, let alone doesn't care about me the same way. I wonder about the times when I choose to put my feelings aside for the sake of explaining something to someone else, or being there for a person who needs me to be.

Today I started to forget and I started to wonder. But then something amazing happened, something so little that to the human eye could be mistaken, forgotten, or even unappreciated.

I have a friend, one whom I've only met through one of those many lies told. She is one I never thought I'd ever understand, let alone be friends with. There are things about her that I do not agree with, things she does that I do not condone but empathize with her options. At times I envy her beauty but I also see her flaws. She asked me today about God. She asked me; a person she doesn't know much.

She asked me a couple of questions she had about the Bible and evolution because of something that happened to her today. She began to tell me that a friend of hers told her she was destined to hell for believing in evolution and other things. She proceeded to tell me that this friend considered themselves as one who believed and followed Christ. As she told me I started to empathize with my friends' life and how this might've affected her. I couldn't imagine anyone telling me I would be going to hell, let alone someone I considered a "friend".

I have to ask myself now, after having this conversation with her 'do I still believe that I have no purpose in God's plan?' After this I would say 'No!' I do believe and God has reminded me that this is why I do what I do, I love the way I love.

Pay no attention to me or what I have done in this, but pay attention to what He has done through me. He has worked so hard in my heart to have accepted her when others wouldn't, to have forgiven her when others wouldn't, and to most of all loved her when others choose not to.

That is not the way to win anyone's heart for Christ; by telling them they are going to hell. The way you 'win' is with love, true love. Love for Christ through yourself.

I leave with this final reminder that anything can happen "through Christ who strengthens me" -Phil 4:13

Business Cards of bliss

Remember yesterday when I was talking about how God always comes through in His own way?

Right after I finished writing in my blog for my new business "A Gift Surprise" I got a knock at my door. At first, of course it couldn't be good news, so I thought it was the property manager at my apartment complex wanting to do inspections today.

"Wait. Did I hear him say 'UPS'?"

Yes. YES! YESSSSSSSSS! It was UPS and he brought me the best gift! He brought me my business cards, thank you cards, car magnet, car window decal, and lots of stickers to put on my gift baskets that read my information on it! I couldn't be more excited and motivated right now!

Funk be gone...hello sunshine!

And a little wink for up above!

Performance Anxiety

Have you ever had a day where you weren't really "required" to do anything but yet you feel that constant pressure of something lerking over your shoulder? For me today is that day. I think maybe this whole week has been such a stress to take on. I feel like if I make one wrong move I'm going to fail, which in reality that's not how it happens.

I feel pressure to seek jobs but I do have a business of my own now. I feel a pressure to prove myself to others although their opinions shouldn't matter. I feel a pressure to be what others want me to be and suddenly all of these worries are starting to weigh me down.

Will this business succeed?
Will I get another job considering I quit Kirklands?
Will I do this, will I do that?

Can I even do anything?

It's such a shame to waste such a beautiful day on all of these worries, all of the anxieties. There seems to be 1000 different things that I can't do when in all actuality if I work on changing just one thing at a time eventually all of these little things won't be such a stress.

My prayer today is simple.

"Heavenly Father, lately I've prayed for strength, I've prayed for courage, I've prayed for miracles to happen. Father today I simply just pray for your love. It's within Your love that I feel so complete, so overwhelmed with acceptance and joy. It's also within Your love that I feel courage and confidence, strength beyond measures because I know I have You with me. My decisions lately have turned into gigantic waves of guilt and regret afterwards. Why does everything seem to come down to money Father? Why must we even have such an evil thing? No, today Father I ask for Your love so that I may see through Your amazing eyes; see myself, see others, see the opportunities that You've laid in front of me. Father I ask for you to humble me and guide me through the path You shall have me take. It is my prayer that with Your love I shall gladly give my burdens to You. I know in my heart that You can and You will provide for me. Father please just love me today, wrap Your strong arms around me so that I may be comforted by your protection. Father I am so thankful for the blessings You continue to give me, more thankful lately for the opportunities You have given me to spend time with You. I am sorry Father that I haven't taken some of those opportunities and that I have time and time again cowardly walked away, for which I ask forgiveness of. Father, You and only You know what's in my heart and You are the only one who truly knows what it is that I need. I ask for Your love and discernment for my path that You shall have me walk, when You shall have me walk it. In Your most awesome and Holy name I pray, amen."

Faith is meaningless without the backbone of love and good works.

This past Sunday our preacher, Tony, taught us about the value of works in faith. It's not enough to believe in something and not work for it. The same is true with any job, any marriage, or any dream. If you want something and you believe that one day you'll have it, you have to realize that you will have to work towards it. Simple belief is not enough.

We know that faith also without love does not benefit either. How can you believe in something that you do not love? Or how can you love something you do not believe in? This we can see in 1 Corinthians 13:2 which reads, "And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."

I am nothing? My faith means nothing? As I read the words from James 2:24 & 26 I was struck with a chilling question. Have I been working, truly loving, believing, and working for Christ? In my heart I know the answer is 'no' because I know my capabilities. I know that I want, in my heart, to do so much more for Christ. I want to tell His story and my story but as just now learned that it's not enough to love, to believe without working.

"You see then that a man is justified by works, and not by faith only." -James 2:24
"For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also." -James 2:26

Sure, I've told my story and I've read the bible and I've worked with bible studies but if I ask myself to really take inventory to see if I've been truly working for Christ I have to admit to myself 'no'. You see, it's in my heart and both God and I know of my good intentions, but good intentions mean nothing without action. My faith does mean nothing without the backbone of love or the structure of good works.

This morning was an interesting display of how God works in our lives. Speaking of 'good works' since Tony's lesson on Sunday night and watching this really cute movie called "Letters To God" I've started to have an even bigger desire to get more involved in my community.

The movie was about a little boy who had cancer and how he inspired the lives of others; how he was a beakon of God's courage and strength. He wasn't just spiritual or faithful for his own situation, he was because he knew that God wanted him to be that for the people around him, his friends and family. At the end of the movie, when the credits start rolling, they start to show more pictures of kids and adults who have beaten cancer or touched the lives of their families and friends. It came to me that while their story was beautiful and true, not everyone in this world was called to have cancer in order to be a warrior for Christ. They are true survivors as are others. Isn't that what Christianity is? To be the strength that leads friends, family, and strangers to loving God, despite your own life? That perhaps it's because you have the life you've been given that you are to show Gods courage and love by using your own example?

So, as I sat in the shower still thinking about my life and their lives and how fortunate I have been but also how wasteful of my time. It was then that I really started to put ideas into my heart. Since then I've prayed about them and asked God for His help and guidance, for his courage to start something new, something different but I haven't let Him give me that courage.

For some reason I froze with fear yesterday when I was going to do something, DO some thing that would help me feel better about the legitamacy of my faith. I don't know why. Perhaps it was that I had isolated myself and was afraid to come out, afraid of everything I had imagined going wrong. So, when I got home I prayed about it again and asked forgiveness for allowing my fears to get the best of me.

One of the many attributes I love about God is that He always hears what's in my heart and if it's something He wants me to do He will let me know in His own way.

As I logged into my e-mail this morning I saw my daily encouraging word from our local Christian radio station. Everyday I read another scripture and for the past week it has been that one scripture that I just needed to hear and mediate on. This morning's encouraging scripture was James 2:17.

" So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless."

How Awesome is our God?

Has God done anything similar in your life? Let me hear about it.

"Re-birth"

The New Year usually comes with its fair share of resolutions. People always try to change their lives in some way, as if every year the beginning is much more significant than the end. Is it? Is starting something new more refreshin than doing something different each day, until "the end"? You have to wonder.

Even the people who mock others for trying to start their year "right" by going back to the gym, or trying to eat healthy, maybe even shopping less and saving more; even those people deep down feel the unnerving desire to change at least one thing about their lives.

At the start of my year I wanted to do something different, but not just a resolution which, c'mon, I'd stop doing within a few months of the new year, but a do-over. To somehow manipulate a re-birthing of ones' self intrigued me. The idea of doing something different everyday was more, and is more appetizing to me than saying I'll go to the gym everyday, or I'll eat healthier with every meal.

I guess as a person who struggles with holding herself accountable with the fear of failure in the long-run with just one slipup this new idea felt doable.

The unpredicatble state of living your life one way and then all of the sudden half-way through a feeling or an emotion, maybe even an action you change just one thing...is inspiring. You no longer know what tomorrow holds on paper. No lists telling you exactly what to do. It's all within my control to think about what I want to change, either big or small.

Say you have trouble with road rage. Well, what if when you're driving on the road and you start to feel that burn inside of you, that fury surfacing because the guy in front of you just cut you off without using his blinker...what if then, you tell yourself "No! This is my one thing I want to change today. I choose not to let that bother me." The ease of knowing you've completely your only meaningful task for the day. That's all you said you would do in the morning right?

"I will change just one thing today."

Seriously, you should try it. For me it has helped in so many ways that I could've ever imagined. I no longer feel burdened with a long list of chores to do. I know that they're there and that they "should" get done, but the one thing I'll worry about today is just changing one thing. I find myself focusing more on all aspects of the day, all of my actions and reactions; holding myself accountable for them. It makes praying and asking for forgiveness a lot easier because I already know when I've been too humble, too prideful, too afraid.

Just try it and see what happens. I'll bet you'll find yourself so inspired and so motivated that you'll find yourself not only changing just one thing, but you'll be changing by leaps and bounds without ever having to think about failing your New Year's resolution.

If you do, I want to know. Comment. Tell me what you changed and how you changed it. What have you got to lose?

Thanks-giving

It didn't always used to be like this...lonely. Steve used to say when we would argue that I had no idea what it felt like to have friends that were my best, who knew me for many many years, friends like his Gary and Phil. The truth is I did. I had four of the best friends I could've ever asked for. What happened? They left and I didn't call. Even after that I had friends, I did. They weren't really the best influences but they were friends...and then there was Robert, who was a great friend. It's not about Robert and I or anyone of the friends I've had in the past. It's about the feeling of full disclosure, security. In truth, after we moved my dad was my only true friend at first. I could talk to him about anything, at least I let myself believe that I could have. And somewhere through the years, after I blew up with him in that fight it stopped. He stopped being my friend; caring how my day was or what I had planned for later on.

There used to be a picture and if I close my eyes I can see exactly who was in it. My sister. Jonathan. Francis. It was Thanksgiving. It used to be just us and at least one friend. Having family is supposed to be the same feeling as when you have those friends you've known your whole life; people who love you no matter what, who accept you for who you are, and never leave you to fend for yourself...not ever.

I know exactly what it feels like. I'm not some weirdo person who never had a family or friends, who grew up singing to the clouds and twirling her hair while talking to her imaginary friend even after she turned twenty. I'm normal, at least I was. Somewhere along the line I've lost every person I've loved and who I thought loved me.

I guess I must like to torture myself, but I swear I didn't know the movie I just watched was going to be quite like that. "Pieces of April" with Katie Holmes. It was, at best, a sad truth that I felt extremely familiar with, except the end.

I wish I could hear his voice again; to go back to the days where he wasn't afraid of me, where he would genuinely hug me like nothing else around me mattered except making me feel safe. I wish I could go back to the days when it was just us that the two dollar theatre watching boring movies that I'd fall asleep in, but it was ours. We'd pop popcorn at home and sneak it in dad's jacket while I had candy in my purse, of course red licorice because that was dad's favorite. It was just us and sometimes I miss it. He was my friend more than anything, someone I thought would never, or could never turn his back on me.

The truth is that I feel guilt and shame. I know that these things have happened, especially in the past few years the damage that has happened to our relationship and to several friendships has been because of me, because what I am currently. I've damaged them and some I'll have to live with knowing will never be the same.

Thanksgiving always makes me think of that picture. We were baking cookies. Lol. We were teenagers but we were baking cookies and Ashley was wearing a light yellow sweater and was standing up next to that old table we used to have that was technically like a picnic table but a little nicer. It's not that I want to go back and it just be us, the three of us again, it's that I want so badly to feel that feeling again...unconditionally love. See that's the thing about betrayal though. It's a funny thing because when betrayal happens everything gets ripped away from you. The memories you thought were real become lies, feelings you once had now seem stupid because you thought you were someone special who deserved things like that.

For Steve Thanksgiving is about family, eating, celebrating, gathering. It's the same for me, however, I don't have that luxury. I am no victim, as I said earlier, but what I would give to feel that again and to be real, and true, and honest. I know the second I step in his mom's house I'll feel pressure. Pressure to smile and be exactly what I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be sad or upset or have any feelings like these. I'm supposed sit around that table and feel what those people feel...but I don't. I've been betrayed by them and I would sit there and want so badly believe that they loved me unconditionally and that they would do anything for me because afterall "that's what family does". I know the second that he and I aren't together anymore, the second they walk away from me too and I wonder, "if we hadn't gone to see Dr. Archie and wanted to work on things, would I be sitting at this table?"

See, I was trying to stand up to him that night we fought. I had taken so much of his crap. I was ten when we moved to South Carolina and already I was playing mom and once Ashley became pregnant with Caleb at 17, well, she left. She had to start her own family, but she left us, she left me. He wasn't a horrible dad, he was so funny, and I used to get so mad when he'd try to make me laugh or to tell me to calm down if I misplaced something and I couldn't find it. But that night was the first time I had ever had the opportunity to stand up to him and I choked. He was in my face screaming how ungrateful I was for everything he'd done for me, for Ashley. He'd thrown a stack of bills at me and told me how we almost lost our house. I was, in my own way, protecting my voice, protecting myself...at least I was trying to.

And when I left and got my own apartment when my husband and I seperated I was trying to do the same thing. He'd been hurting me, mentally, most importantly spiritually and much like my dad I felt forced to stay there with no other alternatives. And when God gave me that opportunity to stand up for myself again, I took it because it was the right thing to do for me and in the long run for him too, but I lost my family because I was trying to protect myself.

And none of them will talk to me about it. They'll pretend that it happened differently. They'll all find some common excuse or reason to believe that I was the one who did everything and they did nothing wrong. The difference is I said sorry and I kept saying sorry; to my dad, to them. None of them, including my dad has every truly said sorry for walking out, for abandoning me. I know why. Pride. They'll owe me nothing because I'm not holier than thou or higher than anyone else. They'll owe me nothing because I was wrong too. All I want is a promise. A promise of that feeling the picture brings me everytime I think of it. I don't want gifts or stories or excuses. I want them to take ownership for their part; to really analyze and humble themselves and allow God to show them how they were wrong, and then I want a simple apology followed with a promise.

See God gave me this whole big family but unless I fall unto them every time, losing my voice, strangling my choices, they leave. It's always been easier to leave one person behind than to stand up against more than that.

If I could ask for just one thing for Christmas and it come true. It would be to have that feeling again. The feeling that a best friend that knew me so well; like Ian, like Jessica, like Stephanie, like Robert gives you. That feeling you get when you sit at a table full of people who have been there your whole life and has known all your stories and all your phases and loves you unconditionally. Steve will get there I know he will. He's already grown so much in figuring me out and the way he tries to make me smile is worth more than most other things, but if I could ask for one thing...it would be that honestly.

Sorry for the negative nancy but I felt like I had to before I fell even farther. Glory to God! For He is my true family, my true friend. He has never forsaken me, nor has He ever left or betrayed me. I am truly thankful for Him.

Hungry Children

Today was really a very challenging day for me; at least thus far. Steve and I haven't been getting along too well and instead of pulling together we are falling apart. It's nothing too dramatic or drastic, but heartbreaking. One thing is sure that miracles do happen because that's what this marriage has become; a fight to stay alive, physically, mentally, spiritually. With each arguement we pass, year we surrender I learn more about the value of marriage. It's a sacred bond and with each 'marital disaster' we've encountered so far has truly made me see a smidgeon of God's perfect design. It only makes me sad to think that our generation has become so desensitized by everything. What will happen next?

Anyway, as I was trying to figure out where to eat dinner I remembered that I had only eaten a very sugary donut with about half a mug of mango green tea this morning for breakfast. It dawned on me that was all I had eaten. As I began to think of these past few months where money has been tight, I calculated that I haven't been able to buy steak dinners at fancy restaurants, or even steak at all. I remember at first being so angry and blaming everyone else because I had no money to buy what I truly wanted to eat. On those days I felt like such a child, stubborn and refusing to be greatful for what I did have which was good and sufficient in and of itself. I also remembered that as time went by I began to like not having that much money to buy the food I wanted because it allowed me to truly budget every penny, every dime so that I could afford frozen vegetables and fruit. I have never been very good at budgeting so as the habit progressed I took pride in knowing how much each dollar was going towards gas or groceries. I was, at the time, using that to my advantage also and I began to praise God for what I did have not only because He was providing but because I was looking great and feeling great as well. I began to lose weight because I was eating healthier meals because it was cheaper to eat a bowl of corn, peas, carrots, and cauliflower than it was to buy dinner out, not to mention healthier. Again, as time went on I learned more and more that I should be greatful because God was still providing for me. My test was trust in Him that as my pay check began to stretch and dwendle I was to trust that God would provide enough money for food, for gas to work, and I would have everything that I needed. It truly made me more thankful for Him.

I've noticed that as I've started to have a little bit more money my gratitude has begun to dwendle, until today when I heard a story on K-Love. The story was of a little girl who was sent to the principal's office one day because she was found in the bathroom eating balloons. When the principal asked her why she was eating them she said because she was hungry. The small snippit that they were talking about was how there are so many children/people who do not have any money for food let alone anything else.

Of course, how amazing God works, I heard this radio section after I had left Wal-mart with my groceries. See, on my way down the road I kept passing all of these places to eat but nothing was appealing to me at the time. As another would pass I began to get a little bit more depressed at the fact that I did not have the money to do what I wanted to do in life, or eat the dinner I really wanted to eat. I decided that it'd be cheaper to spend the money on a bag of frozen strawberries and some bananas. I told myself that with that I can make my shakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner instead of cooking large meals and especially eating out. 'I'd rather use my [God's] money on that than fast food that I'll just have the same dilema come breakfast time', I said.

As I was walking out of Wal-mart I remembered the large box that had been wrapped at another Wal-mart location. I remember the sign posted in front of it asking for food donations to help families who may not be able to afford a Thanksgiving meal. I remembered that when I walked passed the giant box I looked down; expecting to see at least a few cans, I saw nothing. 'Perhaps they just put it out,' I thought and kept on walking. By the time I got to my car with my strawberries and bananas I had a question rumbling through my mind. 'Why do we always see signs asking for food donations or toy donations only around the holidays?' Aren't there people who eat the rest of the year too or do they only eat on holidays and that's why they need our help? It really bothered me how selfish I had been in past years, even now remembering how I responded when I saw that giant box empty. I know that I don't have much myself and it's "okay" if I didn't give a whole lot, but the point would've been to have given something.

In church we're supposed to give tithes and I was always taught that this was the amount that you were to give each Sunday to show your love for God and in support of His church. As I've grown older I find that I want to give more and more, but why? To show my love right? I mean that's what I just said that I always thought it was for. Well, yes, to show support and love and thankfulness. The truth is that no penny or dime that I budget is mine to keep anyways so shouldn't I be giving where I can to others just like God has done for me and we are to do for the church? I'm not talking strictly monetarily now. I'm talking about giving in general. The point is that when you roll through that fast food restaurant and get your Big Mac, be thankful for every seed on that bun because there is a family somewhere who only dreams of having the opportunity to even smell that "All-beef patty" and the dirty honest truth is that you don't deserve it any more than that other family does, but you've been given that opportunity so do your best to give thanks when you can.

I think perhaps my inspiring tale has turned into a rant, however, I was moved listening to that little bit on the radio because it was my reminder that I always have something to give and it's my job to give back because God has given to me. I am not strictly supposed to give to the church. No, all donations are seen by God and each time you are calling out, "Oh God! I love You THIS much!! Thank You Father for your protection and love."

So, I've decided that as a means of trying to change my life, change must start some where. For every dollar I spend at a fast food/restaurant I will match that amount and give it back to God, albeit monetarily, through donations, and/or through volunteer work. I will keep a log of every dollar amount and ask God for the opportunities to give that money back.

As I sit here, now, I am thankful; thankful for the taste of ironic freedom a few months ago, and thankful for the things that I have been able to afford with the grace of God.

"Father, I am in awe of Your excellence! Each day I am surrounded by reminders of who You are and how much You love us. Sometimes I know that words cannot begin to describe how grateful I am for You, for Your love, for Your wisdom and strength. I only ask that You search my heart, humble me, and lead to the opportunities where I can give You praise and to tell You just how much I love You. In Your heavenly name I pray, amen."