Hungry Children

Today was really a very challenging day for me; at least thus far. Steve and I haven't been getting along too well and instead of pulling together we are falling apart. It's nothing too dramatic or drastic, but heartbreaking. One thing is sure that miracles do happen because that's what this marriage has become; a fight to stay alive, physically, mentally, spiritually. With each arguement we pass, year we surrender I learn more about the value of marriage. It's a sacred bond and with each 'marital disaster' we've encountered so far has truly made me see a smidgeon of God's perfect design. It only makes me sad to think that our generation has become so desensitized by everything. What will happen next?

Anyway, as I was trying to figure out where to eat dinner I remembered that I had only eaten a very sugary donut with about half a mug of mango green tea this morning for breakfast. It dawned on me that was all I had eaten. As I began to think of these past few months where money has been tight, I calculated that I haven't been able to buy steak dinners at fancy restaurants, or even steak at all. I remember at first being so angry and blaming everyone else because I had no money to buy what I truly wanted to eat. On those days I felt like such a child, stubborn and refusing to be greatful for what I did have which was good and sufficient in and of itself. I also remembered that as time went by I began to like not having that much money to buy the food I wanted because it allowed me to truly budget every penny, every dime so that I could afford frozen vegetables and fruit. I have never been very good at budgeting so as the habit progressed I took pride in knowing how much each dollar was going towards gas or groceries. I was, at the time, using that to my advantage also and I began to praise God for what I did have not only because He was providing but because I was looking great and feeling great as well. I began to lose weight because I was eating healthier meals because it was cheaper to eat a bowl of corn, peas, carrots, and cauliflower than it was to buy dinner out, not to mention healthier. Again, as time went on I learned more and more that I should be greatful because God was still providing for me. My test was trust in Him that as my pay check began to stretch and dwendle I was to trust that God would provide enough money for food, for gas to work, and I would have everything that I needed. It truly made me more thankful for Him.

I've noticed that as I've started to have a little bit more money my gratitude has begun to dwendle, until today when I heard a story on K-Love. The story was of a little girl who was sent to the principal's office one day because she was found in the bathroom eating balloons. When the principal asked her why she was eating them she said because she was hungry. The small snippit that they were talking about was how there are so many children/people who do not have any money for food let alone anything else.

Of course, how amazing God works, I heard this radio section after I had left Wal-mart with my groceries. See, on my way down the road I kept passing all of these places to eat but nothing was appealing to me at the time. As another would pass I began to get a little bit more depressed at the fact that I did not have the money to do what I wanted to do in life, or eat the dinner I really wanted to eat. I decided that it'd be cheaper to spend the money on a bag of frozen strawberries and some bananas. I told myself that with that I can make my shakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner instead of cooking large meals and especially eating out. 'I'd rather use my [God's] money on that than fast food that I'll just have the same dilema come breakfast time', I said.

As I was walking out of Wal-mart I remembered the large box that had been wrapped at another Wal-mart location. I remember the sign posted in front of it asking for food donations to help families who may not be able to afford a Thanksgiving meal. I remembered that when I walked passed the giant box I looked down; expecting to see at least a few cans, I saw nothing. 'Perhaps they just put it out,' I thought and kept on walking. By the time I got to my car with my strawberries and bananas I had a question rumbling through my mind. 'Why do we always see signs asking for food donations or toy donations only around the holidays?' Aren't there people who eat the rest of the year too or do they only eat on holidays and that's why they need our help? It really bothered me how selfish I had been in past years, even now remembering how I responded when I saw that giant box empty. I know that I don't have much myself and it's "okay" if I didn't give a whole lot, but the point would've been to have given something.

In church we're supposed to give tithes and I was always taught that this was the amount that you were to give each Sunday to show your love for God and in support of His church. As I've grown older I find that I want to give more and more, but why? To show my love right? I mean that's what I just said that I always thought it was for. Well, yes, to show support and love and thankfulness. The truth is that no penny or dime that I budget is mine to keep anyways so shouldn't I be giving where I can to others just like God has done for me and we are to do for the church? I'm not talking strictly monetarily now. I'm talking about giving in general. The point is that when you roll through that fast food restaurant and get your Big Mac, be thankful for every seed on that bun because there is a family somewhere who only dreams of having the opportunity to even smell that "All-beef patty" and the dirty honest truth is that you don't deserve it any more than that other family does, but you've been given that opportunity so do your best to give thanks when you can.

I think perhaps my inspiring tale has turned into a rant, however, I was moved listening to that little bit on the radio because it was my reminder that I always have something to give and it's my job to give back because God has given to me. I am not strictly supposed to give to the church. No, all donations are seen by God and each time you are calling out, "Oh God! I love You THIS much!! Thank You Father for your protection and love."

So, I've decided that as a means of trying to change my life, change must start some where. For every dollar I spend at a fast food/restaurant I will match that amount and give it back to God, albeit monetarily, through donations, and/or through volunteer work. I will keep a log of every dollar amount and ask God for the opportunities to give that money back.

As I sit here, now, I am thankful; thankful for the taste of ironic freedom a few months ago, and thankful for the things that I have been able to afford with the grace of God.

"Father, I am in awe of Your excellence! Each day I am surrounded by reminders of who You are and how much You love us. Sometimes I know that words cannot begin to describe how grateful I am for You, for Your love, for Your wisdom and strength. I only ask that You search my heart, humble me, and lead to the opportunities where I can give You praise and to tell You just how much I love You. In Your heavenly name I pray, amen."