I'm scared.
I wear one of the newest tattoos on my right wrist which proudly reads: Psalm 56: 3. That passage has become one of my many favorites. I wanted to get it tattooed on my wrist to remind me to always trust in God. The passage proclaims, "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." Funny that the first thing I said when I started this post was that I was scared. I know that God will protect me and that I am always safe in His arms, but I am scared.
I've begged and pleaded and cried and prayed over and over to finally get the answers...for my husband to make his decision if he wants to stay married and work on being a great couple. Today I wasn't smart. Today I sent a text message pleading yet again. Perhaps because of this the phone call he will make tomorrow will have bad news. Perhaps it made him realize some things and it will be good news. Either way it's I hope this finally means that he's made his decision and that by the end of tomorrow I'll either be starting a new life as a soon-to-be divorcee or on the first step to recovering our marriage.
I'm nervous because I don't think it will be good news. I think that in combination to my actions lately with the text message I sent today that it was the last final straw that he could take of me. I don't blame him in a lot of ways for leaving me. I know that I am a handful and that I don't deserve him at times. Maybe he hasn't even made a decision and the phone call is simply to state that he needs more time in addition to the four months he's already gotten.
Do I really blame him for giving up and quitting? I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing if he sent me the text message I sent him. I was scared though. I was trying to protect him and shouldn't that count? He always wants me to be so understanding and to take everything he says at full worth and not out of context as single actions. Why are the standards so twisted?
Either way tomorrow when I wake up my tattoo that reads "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You" remains, however its up to me to read it, and truly understand it, and then to feel it no matter what happens.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Laura going away
Today I said 'goodbye' to another great friend. My friend, Laura, is going to grad school in Grenada. She'll be in such a luxurious area, however, will it feel that way to her? I'm so proud of what she's done with her life and the person that she's become. She's strong and courageous. I think that Laura and I have always had more than meets the eye in common. We're both strong, we're both courageous, but we've had to do it. It's been a choice in some areas but in others we've had to force ourselves to be the ones to pick up the pieces because there simply wasn't anyone there to do it for us and if there was we didn't trust them enough to do it right. Laura and I knew each other when I was 16 and we were working at Mrs. Field's at the Colonial Mall, which was then called the Briarcliffe Mall. At time the her sister Abbey worked there as well and Abbey never quite understood why I'd rather hang out with Laura instead of her. I think it was more because Laura and I had so much in common, but yet neither of us really knew what it was. I think we shared similar feelings and so we could relate to one another and truly understand where we were coming from.
I'm sad to see Laura go because I'm selfish and don't want her to leave. I know that she doesn't feel ready for this but sometimes you need that extra push to make the first move in your life. I think that I've felt that feeling the week before we went to Denver. I'd organized a yard sale that made over $1500 selling all of my things from my two bedroom apartment. What wasn't in the yard sale was then packed in vaccumed packed bags and shoes were thrown in trash bags. "Only what's necessity" we had to tell ourselves. I was excited to be going to school but I was terrified that I couldn't make it on my own, let alone supporting another person being a newly-wed. I had no idea what I was getting into but still I went for it. In some ways I knew I wasn't ready for it but I trucked along because it was too late to go back now. I think that Laura is feeling those same feelings right now, but in her case it's just her. For her, there is no newly wed companionship even if it wasn't really companionship that I had. Yes, I was married, and yes my husband was sweet and loving at first, but when things started get rough with school and money and life in general it became less and less like a companionship. I longed for that feeling to be loved, to be supported, to have that safety net to come home to knowing that I was still at least accepted for trying.
I want Laura to feel safe and proud, but not just today. I want her to get to a place where she can wake up and feel like there's nothing holding her back and there's everything ahead of her. I don't want her to be drowned with her emotions and feelings of what could've been had she not done this or that.
I often feel regret for leaving Denver. When I think about it I felt like I was supposed to be there and I know that in the beginning I was, but I have to remind myself that God had other plans. God knew that this was going to happen and He knew that He couldn't just give me that free ride from the past if I truly wanted to succeed in Him. He knew I'd have to battle through the feelings and come home....home to Myrtle Beach and face the music. Most of the time now I feel the pressure because I know that the longer I wait around and not do what He wants me to do, the longer I'll have to be here, in misery and pain, but yet still...I sit. Why?
I can understand a lot about myself but I can't understand that. Is it simply fear? It doesn't feel like its just that.
After I left Laura's house I cried a little on the way home because I had to say 'goodbye'. I'm so tired of saying 'goodbye' while someone else makes that step. You know the one? The step between old and new life. It's almost like baptism when you step in the water your just a sinner getting wet, but when you come back up and breathe that first breath you're no longer your old self. You're this new person who's going to have to battle the years of living in another person's body. Sometimes I wish I could be in someone else's body.
I'm not even sure if this is making any sense jumping back and forth between Laura and baptism and Denver, but the one thing that I'm trying to say is this....I want to fight. I want the option. I want the control of my own faith and my own mental health. I don't want to be afraid or be ashamed of the choices I've made. I know that when I left Denver it was for my husband and I know that when I left Pennslyvannia it was with hopes that our marriage would get better. I know that when I left the house and moved into this apartment it was because I had to take care of myself and at the same time take care of him. I know that I've made the right decisions through God but the hardest part is walking around feeling like I don't have to convince anyone else that my choices were through God and not for selfish reasons.
I don't want to feel horrible enough to hit myself anymore. I don't want to feel crazy or unable. I don't want to feel weak or tired or out of control. I want that clarity of knowing that the ledge is right there and all I have to do is jump, knowing that my faith and my God will take care of me. I don't want to have just one great day and fifteen horrible ones. When I was in PA I would wake up and often go outside and smell the air as I'd look around at the beautiful leaves changing. Or in Denver even when my husband and I had a fight, walking on my way to school I would look around and see that I was here, I was in my dream, and I was thankful for it. I would look up to the sky, close my eyes, and take a deep breathe and then I would come back down and know that everything, no matter what, would work out because I had God.
Maybe lately my faith has been failing. Maybe I've started to lose hope and that's why it has seemed to be that each day is just another day in passing. Today I am reminded that tomorrow Laura won't be a Myrtle Beach resident anymore. She'll be gone, started on that journey no matter if she's ready or not. She's on it. I don't want to be reminded that this is backwards, that this is me coming back to Myrtle Beach because I failed, because I failed at being a wife, because I failed at believing in God enough, because I failed at praying enough, because I failed at school. I want this to be my journey but where do I begin? And for that, I'll need His help. And for the accountability I'll need true friends. It's a never ending search but at least my faith hasn't failed enough to know that if I can endure it like He has, than my inheritance is waiting. Sometimes I get lost and I think that how could I, me, this horrible sinner, be welcome to the same love and devotion. Maybe I'm not, but maybe, just maybe...I am.
I'm sad to see Laura go because I'm selfish and don't want her to leave. I know that she doesn't feel ready for this but sometimes you need that extra push to make the first move in your life. I think that I've felt that feeling the week before we went to Denver. I'd organized a yard sale that made over $1500 selling all of my things from my two bedroom apartment. What wasn't in the yard sale was then packed in vaccumed packed bags and shoes were thrown in trash bags. "Only what's necessity" we had to tell ourselves. I was excited to be going to school but I was terrified that I couldn't make it on my own, let alone supporting another person being a newly-wed. I had no idea what I was getting into but still I went for it. In some ways I knew I wasn't ready for it but I trucked along because it was too late to go back now. I think that Laura is feeling those same feelings right now, but in her case it's just her. For her, there is no newly wed companionship even if it wasn't really companionship that I had. Yes, I was married, and yes my husband was sweet and loving at first, but when things started get rough with school and money and life in general it became less and less like a companionship. I longed for that feeling to be loved, to be supported, to have that safety net to come home to knowing that I was still at least accepted for trying.
I want Laura to feel safe and proud, but not just today. I want her to get to a place where she can wake up and feel like there's nothing holding her back and there's everything ahead of her. I don't want her to be drowned with her emotions and feelings of what could've been had she not done this or that.
I often feel regret for leaving Denver. When I think about it I felt like I was supposed to be there and I know that in the beginning I was, but I have to remind myself that God had other plans. God knew that this was going to happen and He knew that He couldn't just give me that free ride from the past if I truly wanted to succeed in Him. He knew I'd have to battle through the feelings and come home....home to Myrtle Beach and face the music. Most of the time now I feel the pressure because I know that the longer I wait around and not do what He wants me to do, the longer I'll have to be here, in misery and pain, but yet still...I sit. Why?
I can understand a lot about myself but I can't understand that. Is it simply fear? It doesn't feel like its just that.
After I left Laura's house I cried a little on the way home because I had to say 'goodbye'. I'm so tired of saying 'goodbye' while someone else makes that step. You know the one? The step between old and new life. It's almost like baptism when you step in the water your just a sinner getting wet, but when you come back up and breathe that first breath you're no longer your old self. You're this new person who's going to have to battle the years of living in another person's body. Sometimes I wish I could be in someone else's body.
I'm not even sure if this is making any sense jumping back and forth between Laura and baptism and Denver, but the one thing that I'm trying to say is this....I want to fight. I want the option. I want the control of my own faith and my own mental health. I don't want to be afraid or be ashamed of the choices I've made. I know that when I left Denver it was for my husband and I know that when I left Pennslyvannia it was with hopes that our marriage would get better. I know that when I left the house and moved into this apartment it was because I had to take care of myself and at the same time take care of him. I know that I've made the right decisions through God but the hardest part is walking around feeling like I don't have to convince anyone else that my choices were through God and not for selfish reasons.
I don't want to feel horrible enough to hit myself anymore. I don't want to feel crazy or unable. I don't want to feel weak or tired or out of control. I want that clarity of knowing that the ledge is right there and all I have to do is jump, knowing that my faith and my God will take care of me. I don't want to have just one great day and fifteen horrible ones. When I was in PA I would wake up and often go outside and smell the air as I'd look around at the beautiful leaves changing. Or in Denver even when my husband and I had a fight, walking on my way to school I would look around and see that I was here, I was in my dream, and I was thankful for it. I would look up to the sky, close my eyes, and take a deep breathe and then I would come back down and know that everything, no matter what, would work out because I had God.
Maybe lately my faith has been failing. Maybe I've started to lose hope and that's why it has seemed to be that each day is just another day in passing. Today I am reminded that tomorrow Laura won't be a Myrtle Beach resident anymore. She'll be gone, started on that journey no matter if she's ready or not. She's on it. I don't want to be reminded that this is backwards, that this is me coming back to Myrtle Beach because I failed, because I failed at being a wife, because I failed at believing in God enough, because I failed at praying enough, because I failed at school. I want this to be my journey but where do I begin? And for that, I'll need His help. And for the accountability I'll need true friends. It's a never ending search but at least my faith hasn't failed enough to know that if I can endure it like He has, than my inheritance is waiting. Sometimes I get lost and I think that how could I, me, this horrible sinner, be welcome to the same love and devotion. Maybe I'm not, but maybe, just maybe...I am.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Trust
I've realized just how much that every bit of life depends on one simple, but necessary element. Trust. I used to think that trust was merely a feeling, or an action you did to show forgiveness, gratitude, or even love. As I grow in my faith, and in my depression, I learn that trust is as necessary as air itself. As I walk to the car I trust that I won't fall down the flight of wooden stairs, or trip over the hose lying on the sidewalk. I trust that the driver behind me will be paying enough attention to stop or slow down as they see me stop at a red light. We trust so much and don't even notice. If we can't or won't notice that we're trusting elements, people, subjects, how are we to notice when others are trusting us? Should we be thankful in that trust?
Today I am reminded of a guest that I helped check out yesterday at work. It was a younger couple that had a single item; a clock. They approached the cash stand as I said "Have a wonderful day" to the last guest that recently left my register area. She hadn't purchased anything, however, she wanted me to ring her items up to see how much they would cost her. As I greeter the younger couple I stood there voiding each item on the screen instead of just 'aborting' the whole transaction. The young woman was reading the screen and at first had a look of worry in her eyes; no doubt because there were several items shown, totalling well over the amount of her item. As I noticed her surprise I said, "the screen is going to show you a bunch of items but you're not actually paying for them, don't worry." The young woman looked up at me and with a relaxed stance she smiled and said, "okay".
Shouldn't we have the same level of gratitude as we do trust? She had no idea what I was doing or even if I knew what I was doing, but she trusted not to question me. She didn't know me, or my background but yet she put her trust in swiping her credit card even though the screen told her that there were more items than she had at the cash stand. As I bagged her clock I started to think about the notion in general and it made my common goodbye so much more valuable, because I genuinely had a feeling of gratitude that she believed me, without a question or doubt, that I was going to take care of her, that I was telling the truth. I was that much more thankful.
As I left the mall today I crossed the parking lot and was reminded just how much we can trust someone, or something and that trust isn't noticed or isn't even respected. I stepped off the sidewalk and onto the pavement, crossing into the first lane towards my car when a large black truck jetted out in front of me. At first I continued my pace thinking they would have to yeild to me because I was already walking and that at the pace I was going it wouldn't take me long to get out of their way, however, my trust was misplaced or rather devalued. The truck continued on their path, at their pace, intruding my steps.
I think that God has given us so much of His own trust that we are often much like the black truck, instead of the younger woman at the cash stand. Often when we are told something completely different from what we see on the screen, proof, that we find it easier to ask the questions until we see the visible difference on the screen. But God wants us to look up, relax our stance, smile, and say, "okay". Often I find that I am yet another person who doesn't value the strengths and abilities that God has given me. I question, and I try to figure it out so much that my trust turns into a fear, which turns into an obsession, which leads to the darkness. "Relax", He'll tell me and yet I'll continue to put my foot on the gas regardless of who's standing right there, trusting me to slow down so they can pass.
Tonight, I am thankful for these thoughts. Tonight I am thankful for these notions and as little of trust as I think I have in certain people in my life, I take comfort in knowing that I have so much more trust in everything else, which gives me hope to be able to trust more in Him.
My hope is that someone will benefit from these simple words and my prayer is that you may know His glory and His good works through you as well.
Love,
Katie
Today I am reminded of a guest that I helped check out yesterday at work. It was a younger couple that had a single item; a clock. They approached the cash stand as I said "Have a wonderful day" to the last guest that recently left my register area. She hadn't purchased anything, however, she wanted me to ring her items up to see how much they would cost her. As I greeter the younger couple I stood there voiding each item on the screen instead of just 'aborting' the whole transaction. The young woman was reading the screen and at first had a look of worry in her eyes; no doubt because there were several items shown, totalling well over the amount of her item. As I noticed her surprise I said, "the screen is going to show you a bunch of items but you're not actually paying for them, don't worry." The young woman looked up at me and with a relaxed stance she smiled and said, "okay".
Shouldn't we have the same level of gratitude as we do trust? She had no idea what I was doing or even if I knew what I was doing, but she trusted not to question me. She didn't know me, or my background but yet she put her trust in swiping her credit card even though the screen told her that there were more items than she had at the cash stand. As I bagged her clock I started to think about the notion in general and it made my common goodbye so much more valuable, because I genuinely had a feeling of gratitude that she believed me, without a question or doubt, that I was going to take care of her, that I was telling the truth. I was that much more thankful.
As I left the mall today I crossed the parking lot and was reminded just how much we can trust someone, or something and that trust isn't noticed or isn't even respected. I stepped off the sidewalk and onto the pavement, crossing into the first lane towards my car when a large black truck jetted out in front of me. At first I continued my pace thinking they would have to yeild to me because I was already walking and that at the pace I was going it wouldn't take me long to get out of their way, however, my trust was misplaced or rather devalued. The truck continued on their path, at their pace, intruding my steps.
I think that God has given us so much of His own trust that we are often much like the black truck, instead of the younger woman at the cash stand. Often when we are told something completely different from what we see on the screen, proof, that we find it easier to ask the questions until we see the visible difference on the screen. But God wants us to look up, relax our stance, smile, and say, "okay". Often I find that I am yet another person who doesn't value the strengths and abilities that God has given me. I question, and I try to figure it out so much that my trust turns into a fear, which turns into an obsession, which leads to the darkness. "Relax", He'll tell me and yet I'll continue to put my foot on the gas regardless of who's standing right there, trusting me to slow down so they can pass.
Tonight, I am thankful for these thoughts. Tonight I am thankful for these notions and as little of trust as I think I have in certain people in my life, I take comfort in knowing that I have so much more trust in everything else, which gives me hope to be able to trust more in Him.
My hope is that someone will benefit from these simple words and my prayer is that you may know His glory and His good works through you as well.
Love,
Katie
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
First of many
I am 24 with only a few months until I turn 25! I'm super excited for that!
This past year has been a roller coaster, to say the least. I just "celebrated" my second year being married, however, my husband, Steve, and I are no longer living together. Our story is extremely complicated and has been just another stressful reason for this year being extremely tough. I am thankful, however, for all of the good and the bad because it has helped make me the strong person that I am today! I thank God for that as well!
I've also recently had some interesting information "rock my world" and i'm learning to cope with it in the best way that I can. I am a strong, independent young woman with a lot of potential, however, none of it would be possible without the love and guidance of Jesus Christ. I am thankful each day that I can call him Father and know that even in my loneliest of days I have Him to love and care for me no matter who I've been.
"Courage is my healing" is a blog I wanted to create in order to help regulate my life. I find comfort in writing and find it best to come in handy during stressful situations where my brain is often times working faster than my words are able to pronunciate. So, I've learned to let my fingers do most of the talking. It is my wish to inspire others and to help encourage others struggling through the day-to-day of just "going through the motions".
The idea of "Courage is my healing" is to write about God and my testimony. He is my strength. He is my courage and He is my everything. I simply wouldn't be as strong or independent or blessed with such gifts if it weren't for Him. I want this blog to reflect the work He's done and continues to do within me.
With loving intentions,
Katie
This past year has been a roller coaster, to say the least. I just "celebrated" my second year being married, however, my husband, Steve, and I are no longer living together. Our story is extremely complicated and has been just another stressful reason for this year being extremely tough. I am thankful, however, for all of the good and the bad because it has helped make me the strong person that I am today! I thank God for that as well!
I've also recently had some interesting information "rock my world" and i'm learning to cope with it in the best way that I can. I am a strong, independent young woman with a lot of potential, however, none of it would be possible without the love and guidance of Jesus Christ. I am thankful each day that I can call him Father and know that even in my loneliest of days I have Him to love and care for me no matter who I've been.
"Courage is my healing" is a blog I wanted to create in order to help regulate my life. I find comfort in writing and find it best to come in handy during stressful situations where my brain is often times working faster than my words are able to pronunciate. So, I've learned to let my fingers do most of the talking. It is my wish to inspire others and to help encourage others struggling through the day-to-day of just "going through the motions".
The idea of "Courage is my healing" is to write about God and my testimony. He is my strength. He is my courage and He is my everything. I simply wouldn't be as strong or independent or blessed with such gifts if it weren't for Him. I want this blog to reflect the work He's done and continues to do within me.
With loving intentions,
Katie
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