3rd Wheel

Never did I imagine that when my husband decided to move out, on his own was it because he wanted to have the single life instead of accepting responsibilities as a husband. Never did I think that I was alone because he wanted to have fun and never did I think that I sold my beautiful things in my apartment to move in with someone who wasn't committed to me. I wouldn't have, I was fine where I was. In reality I needed that time to be myself, to find who I was instead of jumping into another relationship. It's upsetting to think the whole time I knew what was going on and no one believed me and when they had the slightest bit of validity they disregarded it with justifications and blame.

I was certain and no one believed me. Just like I was certain to know that we would never have a seperate life outside of his friends or family lerking around us. Do I like their involvement? I like their love, unconditional love but we both know that doesn't exist to them unless you're perfect or blood. I am neither so it was different for me, completely different.

I do not intend to complain about the past but rather hindsights point of view.

What I feel today isn't about his family it's about his friends. Don't get me wrong on a happy day I'm glad to spend time with them, they are fun, and at the right time just what one needs, but they aren't and shouldn't be such a large part of this marriage. In a way it's what I've always been fighting for for this marriage and haven't won. Just when I think I've made my point there you'll find another obstacle stuck in between us. First it was committment, then addiction, then truth, distance, family, time, and now friends. When will it just be us? Us?

Will it ever be just us? Us having fun just being friends and spending quality time together; not quanitity, but quality.

I miss that. I miss my husband. I miss it being a no brainer to come home and ask me what's for dinner instead of a roommate. I miss the "let's go get breakfast" on the weekends or before church. I miss the time when it was just us where I had my husband all to myself and didn't have to share him to any other person, woman, video game, family event, or friends tagging along.

A lot of times I wonder if his lack of enthusiasm to be 'just us' is because of me, because I am boring. I am not like other woman who have the full package, who have brains. I somehow fell through the cracks and all I have is self-taught knowledge from years of learning how to read people and what is or isn't truth. Isn't that enough? Or shouldn't it be?

It's depressing when I look into our future, into my future and see my own disappointment; to see a life like his parents. I want to be happy and I want to be full, a healthy marriage the way that God intended it to be; us and Him.

Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have taken my chance to leave. What always stops me from believing it was a better choice are two things. Well, maybe, now that I'm thinking about it just one. I loved God too much to walk away from the promise of forever with this man that I chose. I could break 1000 promises to others in this world and be okay with it somehow, but knowing that I broke that one promise to God...I don't know how I would respond or what I would do, but I know I would be sad.

Haha I guess either way I've come out sad.

Maybe it's just the weather.

Yesterday's Encouraging Word

I'm not surprised by checking my e-mail today and seeing that Titus 2:7 was yesterday's encouraging word from K-LOVE. It goes very well with the story I told you in yesterday's post about my friends questions.

"And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching." -Titus 2:7

Thank you Father for listening so intently!

"Through Christ Who Strengthens Us"

Sometimes I start to seriously doubt my existence in the spiritual world. Sometimes I think that I am not doing God justice by living my life for Him. However, sometimes just when I forget that I play such a valuable part in God's meticulous plan, He'll show me why He needs me. He has entrusted so much faith, strength, and courage within me. At times when I think about where I was in my life and where I am now it's almost as if there's a transformation of souls.

It used to be my entire life, everything was me, but the more I've let God work in my heart the more I am like Him and suddenly this life doesn't continue as mine anymore. Rather I am the body that serves His purpose. I am His arms and His legs here on this Earth and when I think about it that way it makes it that much easier for me to remember that I have a job to do for Him.

Love.

Love is such a powerful thing. Love isn't just something you share with a partner, a spouse, a friend. Love isn't your favorite movie or spaghetti sauce. Love is what happens when you are afraid but you take a chance any way. Love is forgiving. Love is kind and patient. Love is allowing an enemy to become your best friend. Love is helping the guy who knew he was wrong. Love is never abandoning a true friend but always praying for them even when you don't get the same in return. Love is something that helps us survive and without it we are nothing.

Sometimes I wonder why I gave my husband chance after chance to break my heart all over again. I'm sure he could say the same thing. I wonder what's wrong with me when I allow lies to happen but I forgive them anyway. I wonder what in the world was I thinking by trying to be friends with someone I can't stand, or don't get along with, let alone doesn't care about me the same way. I wonder about the times when I choose to put my feelings aside for the sake of explaining something to someone else, or being there for a person who needs me to be.

Today I started to forget and I started to wonder. But then something amazing happened, something so little that to the human eye could be mistaken, forgotten, or even unappreciated.

I have a friend, one whom I've only met through one of those many lies told. She is one I never thought I'd ever understand, let alone be friends with. There are things about her that I do not agree with, things she does that I do not condone but empathize with her options. At times I envy her beauty but I also see her flaws. She asked me today about God. She asked me; a person she doesn't know much.

She asked me a couple of questions she had about the Bible and evolution because of something that happened to her today. She began to tell me that a friend of hers told her she was destined to hell for believing in evolution and other things. She proceeded to tell me that this friend considered themselves as one who believed and followed Christ. As she told me I started to empathize with my friends' life and how this might've affected her. I couldn't imagine anyone telling me I would be going to hell, let alone someone I considered a "friend".

I have to ask myself now, after having this conversation with her 'do I still believe that I have no purpose in God's plan?' After this I would say 'No!' I do believe and God has reminded me that this is why I do what I do, I love the way I love.

Pay no attention to me or what I have done in this, but pay attention to what He has done through me. He has worked so hard in my heart to have accepted her when others wouldn't, to have forgiven her when others wouldn't, and to most of all loved her when others choose not to.

That is not the way to win anyone's heart for Christ; by telling them they are going to hell. The way you 'win' is with love, true love. Love for Christ through yourself.

I leave with this final reminder that anything can happen "through Christ who strengthens me" -Phil 4:13

Business Cards of bliss

Remember yesterday when I was talking about how God always comes through in His own way?

Right after I finished writing in my blog for my new business "A Gift Surprise" I got a knock at my door. At first, of course it couldn't be good news, so I thought it was the property manager at my apartment complex wanting to do inspections today.

"Wait. Did I hear him say 'UPS'?"

Yes. YES! YESSSSSSSSS! It was UPS and he brought me the best gift! He brought me my business cards, thank you cards, car magnet, car window decal, and lots of stickers to put on my gift baskets that read my information on it! I couldn't be more excited and motivated right now!

Funk be gone...hello sunshine!

And a little wink for up above!

Performance Anxiety

Have you ever had a day where you weren't really "required" to do anything but yet you feel that constant pressure of something lerking over your shoulder? For me today is that day. I think maybe this whole week has been such a stress to take on. I feel like if I make one wrong move I'm going to fail, which in reality that's not how it happens.

I feel pressure to seek jobs but I do have a business of my own now. I feel a pressure to prove myself to others although their opinions shouldn't matter. I feel a pressure to be what others want me to be and suddenly all of these worries are starting to weigh me down.

Will this business succeed?
Will I get another job considering I quit Kirklands?
Will I do this, will I do that?

Can I even do anything?

It's such a shame to waste such a beautiful day on all of these worries, all of the anxieties. There seems to be 1000 different things that I can't do when in all actuality if I work on changing just one thing at a time eventually all of these little things won't be such a stress.

My prayer today is simple.

"Heavenly Father, lately I've prayed for strength, I've prayed for courage, I've prayed for miracles to happen. Father today I simply just pray for your love. It's within Your love that I feel so complete, so overwhelmed with acceptance and joy. It's also within Your love that I feel courage and confidence, strength beyond measures because I know I have You with me. My decisions lately have turned into gigantic waves of guilt and regret afterwards. Why does everything seem to come down to money Father? Why must we even have such an evil thing? No, today Father I ask for Your love so that I may see through Your amazing eyes; see myself, see others, see the opportunities that You've laid in front of me. Father I ask for you to humble me and guide me through the path You shall have me take. It is my prayer that with Your love I shall gladly give my burdens to You. I know in my heart that You can and You will provide for me. Father please just love me today, wrap Your strong arms around me so that I may be comforted by your protection. Father I am so thankful for the blessings You continue to give me, more thankful lately for the opportunities You have given me to spend time with You. I am sorry Father that I haven't taken some of those opportunities and that I have time and time again cowardly walked away, for which I ask forgiveness of. Father, You and only You know what's in my heart and You are the only one who truly knows what it is that I need. I ask for Your love and discernment for my path that You shall have me walk, when You shall have me walk it. In Your most awesome and Holy name I pray, amen."

Faith is meaningless without the backbone of love and good works.

This past Sunday our preacher, Tony, taught us about the value of works in faith. It's not enough to believe in something and not work for it. The same is true with any job, any marriage, or any dream. If you want something and you believe that one day you'll have it, you have to realize that you will have to work towards it. Simple belief is not enough.

We know that faith also without love does not benefit either. How can you believe in something that you do not love? Or how can you love something you do not believe in? This we can see in 1 Corinthians 13:2 which reads, "And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."

I am nothing? My faith means nothing? As I read the words from James 2:24 & 26 I was struck with a chilling question. Have I been working, truly loving, believing, and working for Christ? In my heart I know the answer is 'no' because I know my capabilities. I know that I want, in my heart, to do so much more for Christ. I want to tell His story and my story but as just now learned that it's not enough to love, to believe without working.

"You see then that a man is justified by works, and not by faith only." -James 2:24
"For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also." -James 2:26

Sure, I've told my story and I've read the bible and I've worked with bible studies but if I ask myself to really take inventory to see if I've been truly working for Christ I have to admit to myself 'no'. You see, it's in my heart and both God and I know of my good intentions, but good intentions mean nothing without action. My faith does mean nothing without the backbone of love or the structure of good works.

This morning was an interesting display of how God works in our lives. Speaking of 'good works' since Tony's lesson on Sunday night and watching this really cute movie called "Letters To God" I've started to have an even bigger desire to get more involved in my community.

The movie was about a little boy who had cancer and how he inspired the lives of others; how he was a beakon of God's courage and strength. He wasn't just spiritual or faithful for his own situation, he was because he knew that God wanted him to be that for the people around him, his friends and family. At the end of the movie, when the credits start rolling, they start to show more pictures of kids and adults who have beaten cancer or touched the lives of their families and friends. It came to me that while their story was beautiful and true, not everyone in this world was called to have cancer in order to be a warrior for Christ. They are true survivors as are others. Isn't that what Christianity is? To be the strength that leads friends, family, and strangers to loving God, despite your own life? That perhaps it's because you have the life you've been given that you are to show Gods courage and love by using your own example?

So, as I sat in the shower still thinking about my life and their lives and how fortunate I have been but also how wasteful of my time. It was then that I really started to put ideas into my heart. Since then I've prayed about them and asked God for His help and guidance, for his courage to start something new, something different but I haven't let Him give me that courage.

For some reason I froze with fear yesterday when I was going to do something, DO some thing that would help me feel better about the legitamacy of my faith. I don't know why. Perhaps it was that I had isolated myself and was afraid to come out, afraid of everything I had imagined going wrong. So, when I got home I prayed about it again and asked forgiveness for allowing my fears to get the best of me.

One of the many attributes I love about God is that He always hears what's in my heart and if it's something He wants me to do He will let me know in His own way.

As I logged into my e-mail this morning I saw my daily encouraging word from our local Christian radio station. Everyday I read another scripture and for the past week it has been that one scripture that I just needed to hear and mediate on. This morning's encouraging scripture was James 2:17.

" So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless."

How Awesome is our God?

Has God done anything similar in your life? Let me hear about it.

"Re-birth"

The New Year usually comes with its fair share of resolutions. People always try to change their lives in some way, as if every year the beginning is much more significant than the end. Is it? Is starting something new more refreshin than doing something different each day, until "the end"? You have to wonder.

Even the people who mock others for trying to start their year "right" by going back to the gym, or trying to eat healthy, maybe even shopping less and saving more; even those people deep down feel the unnerving desire to change at least one thing about their lives.

At the start of my year I wanted to do something different, but not just a resolution which, c'mon, I'd stop doing within a few months of the new year, but a do-over. To somehow manipulate a re-birthing of ones' self intrigued me. The idea of doing something different everyday was more, and is more appetizing to me than saying I'll go to the gym everyday, or I'll eat healthier with every meal.

I guess as a person who struggles with holding herself accountable with the fear of failure in the long-run with just one slipup this new idea felt doable.

The unpredicatble state of living your life one way and then all of the sudden half-way through a feeling or an emotion, maybe even an action you change just one thing...is inspiring. You no longer know what tomorrow holds on paper. No lists telling you exactly what to do. It's all within my control to think about what I want to change, either big or small.

Say you have trouble with road rage. Well, what if when you're driving on the road and you start to feel that burn inside of you, that fury surfacing because the guy in front of you just cut you off without using his blinker...what if then, you tell yourself "No! This is my one thing I want to change today. I choose not to let that bother me." The ease of knowing you've completely your only meaningful task for the day. That's all you said you would do in the morning right?

"I will change just one thing today."

Seriously, you should try it. For me it has helped in so many ways that I could've ever imagined. I no longer feel burdened with a long list of chores to do. I know that they're there and that they "should" get done, but the one thing I'll worry about today is just changing one thing. I find myself focusing more on all aspects of the day, all of my actions and reactions; holding myself accountable for them. It makes praying and asking for forgiveness a lot easier because I already know when I've been too humble, too prideful, too afraid.

Just try it and see what happens. I'll bet you'll find yourself so inspired and so motivated that you'll find yourself not only changing just one thing, but you'll be changing by leaps and bounds without ever having to think about failing your New Year's resolution.

If you do, I want to know. Comment. Tell me what you changed and how you changed it. What have you got to lose?