A friend of mine often says "hilarity insues" or "insued" when he's telling a story. I usually think of this friend as an intelligent, inquisitive, and intellectual friend whos 'hilarity' is sure to make any story dramatic and interesting.
Here's mine for today! As most of my phone contacts know I sent a mass text message to all of them wishing their day as spectacular as mine had been. Some responded with a simple, "thanks. U 2" or a "It has been. How's your day?" My typical response to all them who asked was "Mine has been the same. Spectacular!" What made the morning spectacular could have very well been the ten hours of sleep that I got after turning my phone off and leaving my alarm clock unplugged. It most likely was because I woke up feeling more refreshed for having the day off to do whatever I wanted to do for fun. I wasted time, although now I don't see it as a "waste". I spent time reading a chapter in a book, writing for my blog, and treated myself to lunch. I didn't make any lists of things that I had to get done today and decided that today was just going to be fun, no matter what.
The funny part about this day actually happened a few days ago when another friend of mine sent me a text message telling me what his fortune cookie read for that day, which got me thinking about the box of fortune sticks I'd bought way back when I worked at Pier 1 Imports. At the time I think I bought them for a friend for Christmas but never gave it to him. Yeah, as matter of fact I bought it for a friend who used to be a pin-pal in the Army that was, at the time, overseas. I'd bought them for his care package but I didn't get it out on time; typical Katie fashion but that's beside the point. After my friend Andy told me his fortune I decided to go back to playfully pulling these sticks to see what mine would be. For the past month or so my friend Brantley and I would make fun of the fortunes I'd pick because they almost always came true in some way or another, even the most ridiculous ones.
Instead of just choosing one I'd gotten in the habit of pulling three, one at a time. I'm not sure the significance; perhaps a two out of three ratio or something like that justifying my choice in pulling only three. Either way...to the story.
The first stick read: "A friend has traveled far and from this you will both benefit." At first I thought that maybe this means literally; maybe a friend would surprise me with a visit, but it didn't happen. So then I thought that maybe it meant that a friend would reach out, far beyond their comfort zone and into unknown territory, and from this we would both benefit from it. Well, yesterday I received one of the best messages I'd ever gotten. It was a true testament to God's power and love and grace through His children. It was a message from an unlikely person who could have easily been angered by me or my actions, but chose grace instead. She told me that she was thankful I was a part of her husbands past life and gave me hope that I did more good than bad and that I should take pride in knowing that God will help me through my struggles. I was grateful to no end!
The final stick read: "You are loved for the way you are. Don't try to be different." It speaks for itself but on that day gave me more empowerment to wear what I wanted to wear, be who I wanted to be...because me, Katie, is enough!
The second stick, which ended up being the one that I just passed over as "nah, not true" read: "You will soon be moving." At first, like I said, I passed over it because I knew I didn't have the money to move, nor the desire, and I was sure that this meant literally. I had given it some thought yesterday remembering that my parents gave me an opportunity to manage their juice bars but it would mean moving to Jacksonville, NC and I had already told them that this wasn't a a great time in my life. Then I'd thought it might mean that I was supposed to take the opportunity to join the National Guard like I had looked into doing a few months ago. Just this morning I finally realized it had to be more than literal because God has given me such a wonderful opportunity to start with my counseling workbook again. I knew it had to mean instead of me literally packing everything and moving again, it meant that I was physically, mentally, but most importantly spiritually moving. So, I left it at that and went on with the rest of my "spectacular" day.
..."Where's the hilarity in that", you might ask...
When I got home from treating myself to one of the best philly cheesesteaks I'd had in a long time (perhaps because it was because I freely took just myself with no guilt or shame of being alone to go get it)....there was a surprise on my door.
"What? What?"
Posted on my apartment door was a notice to vacate the premises within ten days or contact the Myrtle Beach Magistrates office to set up a court appearance to appeal the eviction process. "The stick did mean literal", I told myself as I stood there and stared, reading the paper over and over again. Haha. I was floored at the irony of the day in general; that it's been one of the greatest days I've had in a long time but tested with destruction for my hardwork, but it was just that...a test. I knew that getting upset wouldn't change the outcome of the letter making it magically disappear if I cried long enough and hard enough. I knew that nothing less than passing it off as...hilarious irony would help so I did what I had to do. I called the magistrates office and got some information from them, in which they advised me to call my landlord and see what was going to happen next.
The irony isn't only in that this particular day started out wonderful, and naturally still is wonderful, but it's in that just yesterday I paid my rent. Each month, as most, rent is due by the first of the month and considered late on the fifth. I knew that this month would be cutting it close because my paycheck wouldn't be deposited until the 4th so I chances were I would simply pay it that night and not be charged the late fee and everything would work out. So, when my check went through I logged in to pay my rent through our new online automated payment system that they've just recently set up for our apartment complex. The first month went through fine, however, being that I just changed my bank information I had to use a new account which should've been fine. I paid rent on the fourth but it didn't give me a confirmation number, which I initially thought was weird but didn't think anything of it because I know that it was taken care of. So, last week I hadn't used the account at all because my paycheck just barely covered the rent and I knew that once that was taken out I'd have little cash left anyways so there was no reason for me to check my accounts balance each day. Well, as I said, last week I checked it because I had to get gas and saw that the $500 was still there, which meant that rent hadn't been drafted from my account but that they had now charged me the $50 for the rent being late. I had to wait until I got paid again so that I could then cover the rent and the $50 late fee, which meant paying just last night after my paycheck was deposited.
Long story short, I'm keeping the piece of paper as a souvenir because after calling the landlord she told me that I wasn't the only one who this happened to and that I should just tear up the notice because it sent them a confirmation saying that I had made a payment.
Moral of the story...we got to learn to let go of the things we cannot control before they control us. Sometimes when all you have to do is laugh and let it roll off of you...you've just gotta do it. I'm learning...one hilarious day at a time.
Friday, August 20, 2010
365 Days of Recovery
Recently I read an article from Yahoo about a woman who lost her job and instead of hitting the streets with her resume she decided to take the time and start a blog. Each day she bought an article of clothing for $1 and re-vamped it into some new piece of clothing. As I was looking through the photos she mostly chose extra large dresses that she then cut and sewed to make into smaller, more tailored dresses for herself. The patterns were pretty crazy, but overall I like her concept. Like the movie, "Julie & Julia", she chose to do this for $365, for 365 days. Each day she would create a new piece of clothing. I was interested not only because of her inspiration from that movie and her willingness to do something different, but because it was just something she wanted to do for fun.
I remember when I was in Pennslyvania for a couple of months I got to a point where I would do things just for fun as well. I'd walk around the neighboring homes and fields and take pictures. I'd try to find new paths through the woods in the back of the house to explore. I would go for walks and fast-paced challenging up-hill/downhill runs because I wanted to get into shape. It became something I did for myself, to feel better.
I was also working with a counselor once a week to talk about my past and present feelings, rejections, acceptance, etc. I used to think, as I progressively got worse in my illness again that she, my counselor was the miracle worker. I had thought that there was no way I would be able to get back to that unless I found another counselor willing to help me and perhaps that's why I've found so much trouble finding someone. At first, recently, I started seeing a therapist that was ridiculously priced but I told myself that it was worth it because I would be getting better. After having to stop seeing him because I could no longer afford it, I began to lose hope in getting better because no one would and could help me. A few weeks after procrastinating I felt rejection again when I finally called the references he had given me for a more affordable solution. They couldn't see me until September and only offered forms of medication to heal the problem instead of starting at the root of it. At this point I had also had a friend, with similar issues, refer me to her therapist, which took a few calls to actually get an answer from. Again, rejection.
I really didn't understand why this was happening because I was asking God for help and He was presenting all of these possibilities and opportunities to seek help, but I just kept being rejected. 'Why', I would wonder and soon ask God Himself. I couldn't understand why if I was seeking help and it was being provided that something, money, or time, was always in the way.
While I was working with my counselor in Pennslyvania we started a workbook called, The Twelve Steps, A Spiritual Journey. It was very helpful to me and even after I'd moved back to South Carolina and in with my husband again I'd continued through the workbook with her through our phone sessions. I made it through Step 8 and was so proud of myself for doing so well, especially under the environmental circumstances, that I decided that I was going to try it myself. After that I fell flat. I kept up with the workbook for a couple more weeks, but never made it past Step 8.
I've realized through going back and starting over with my workbook that I didn't fail. I simply misplaced the importance of counsel. To me, I was succeeding because I had my counselor, because she was the miracle worker helping me through it. I had put it into her hands the outcome of my recovery and I think that's why I sought so much counsel after that. I never thought that I was able, or qualified enough to do it myself. Afterall, who really believes that if someone with an illness doesn't take medication for it can really help themselves get better? The answer is simple. I do.
I remember asking myself a few weeks ago what I was so worried about with helping myself because I knew that with God's help anything was possible. I knew that I didn't need to start taking medication simply to make people believe that I was recovering. While I was in Pennslyvania I didn't take medication and I don't need to take it now, but I do need to practice self-control and accountability more. That is where my skills are lacking but God has given me all the tools to recover from them, I just have to use them. I've realized that a valuable tool He has given me is time alone, in a safe and controlled environment. He's given me the peace and calm of coming home to no one badgering or belittling or even being. This time alone is a blessing and I should treat it as such.
He's also given me my workbook as a tool. I didn't go to Pennslyvania to learn the importance of a counselor, I went to learn the importance of His counsel through me. I am everything I need to get better and with the help and guidance of this workbook He brought to my life, I am able to be everything I need to get better.
So, today I will start my own "365 day" blog, but instead of it being like the woman in the article, or even the movie, I will write each day as I work through this workbook again.
A part of the reason why I thought that I had to actually go to seek counseling was because it was an accountability, which wasn't a wrong thought because at the time I did feel more powerful knowing that I was physically making the effort to drive to her office for our session. Now, I realize through reading the second week in my workbook that my "small group" will be my blog. Each day I will share with you my scares and my triumphs of recovery through each lesson. I look forward to this 'project' not only because it helps me learn and correct my character flaws, but it will also help me help others through my own struggles.
I thank God, sincerely, for everything! There simply aren't any words to express my gratitude so this blog will become a way that I can serve Him in all His glory! I pray you will benefit from these lessons, as I have and will continue to.
I remember when I was in Pennslyvania for a couple of months I got to a point where I would do things just for fun as well. I'd walk around the neighboring homes and fields and take pictures. I'd try to find new paths through the woods in the back of the house to explore. I would go for walks and fast-paced challenging up-hill/downhill runs because I wanted to get into shape. It became something I did for myself, to feel better.
I was also working with a counselor once a week to talk about my past and present feelings, rejections, acceptance, etc. I used to think, as I progressively got worse in my illness again that she, my counselor was the miracle worker. I had thought that there was no way I would be able to get back to that unless I found another counselor willing to help me and perhaps that's why I've found so much trouble finding someone. At first, recently, I started seeing a therapist that was ridiculously priced but I told myself that it was worth it because I would be getting better. After having to stop seeing him because I could no longer afford it, I began to lose hope in getting better because no one would and could help me. A few weeks after procrastinating I felt rejection again when I finally called the references he had given me for a more affordable solution. They couldn't see me until September and only offered forms of medication to heal the problem instead of starting at the root of it. At this point I had also had a friend, with similar issues, refer me to her therapist, which took a few calls to actually get an answer from. Again, rejection.
I really didn't understand why this was happening because I was asking God for help and He was presenting all of these possibilities and opportunities to seek help, but I just kept being rejected. 'Why', I would wonder and soon ask God Himself. I couldn't understand why if I was seeking help and it was being provided that something, money, or time, was always in the way.
While I was working with my counselor in Pennslyvania we started a workbook called, The Twelve Steps, A Spiritual Journey. It was very helpful to me and even after I'd moved back to South Carolina and in with my husband again I'd continued through the workbook with her through our phone sessions. I made it through Step 8 and was so proud of myself for doing so well, especially under the environmental circumstances, that I decided that I was going to try it myself. After that I fell flat. I kept up with the workbook for a couple more weeks, but never made it past Step 8.
I've realized through going back and starting over with my workbook that I didn't fail. I simply misplaced the importance of counsel. To me, I was succeeding because I had my counselor, because she was the miracle worker helping me through it. I had put it into her hands the outcome of my recovery and I think that's why I sought so much counsel after that. I never thought that I was able, or qualified enough to do it myself. Afterall, who really believes that if someone with an illness doesn't take medication for it can really help themselves get better? The answer is simple. I do.
I remember asking myself a few weeks ago what I was so worried about with helping myself because I knew that with God's help anything was possible. I knew that I didn't need to start taking medication simply to make people believe that I was recovering. While I was in Pennslyvania I didn't take medication and I don't need to take it now, but I do need to practice self-control and accountability more. That is where my skills are lacking but God has given me all the tools to recover from them, I just have to use them. I've realized that a valuable tool He has given me is time alone, in a safe and controlled environment. He's given me the peace and calm of coming home to no one badgering or belittling or even being. This time alone is a blessing and I should treat it as such.
He's also given me my workbook as a tool. I didn't go to Pennslyvania to learn the importance of a counselor, I went to learn the importance of His counsel through me. I am everything I need to get better and with the help and guidance of this workbook He brought to my life, I am able to be everything I need to get better.
So, today I will start my own "365 day" blog, but instead of it being like the woman in the article, or even the movie, I will write each day as I work through this workbook again.
A part of the reason why I thought that I had to actually go to seek counseling was because it was an accountability, which wasn't a wrong thought because at the time I did feel more powerful knowing that I was physically making the effort to drive to her office for our session. Now, I realize through reading the second week in my workbook that my "small group" will be my blog. Each day I will share with you my scares and my triumphs of recovery through each lesson. I look forward to this 'project' not only because it helps me learn and correct my character flaws, but it will also help me help others through my own struggles.
I thank God, sincerely, for everything! There simply aren't any words to express my gratitude so this blog will become a way that I can serve Him in all His glory! I pray you will benefit from these lessons, as I have and will continue to.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
"67th Avenue"
WOW!
The beach is amazing! The air is cool enough to exhaust the humidity and yet i'm not too chilled to cause regret for my newly shaved legs. My feet are relaxed and at home, comforted by the damp sand. What a magnificent day! It truly has been nothing less. Even the smell of the ocean, neither stuffy nor potent; a perfect blend of rythmic tune. I could fall asleep right here.
What if in life we could capture these moments in large mason jars? Our memories of each feeling, scent, hue, and tint would be trapped inside so that with every twist of the cap we feel the exact feeling as the day we first tricked it into the jar. Like a favorite movie watched over and over, there would be no change in script or substance. Could that even be possible?
I think perhaps the only difference and impossibility of that concept is the constant change of our perception. I ask myself would it truly be a treasured moment if it had the capability of being fully captured? We are able to remember details such as a shell from the sand or a picture taken of the horizon but that one exact moment we can never re-create. Maybe that's the point. Maybe we're supposed to, in the moment, treasure the bigger picture because it simply won't last forever.
Being here I'm reminded of that whole year when Steve and I were in Denver. There were no salt-flavored sunsets or sand nuzzled comfortably between my toes. There were no roaring waves providing tranquility. While big, beautiful, colorful, and creative...it was no Myrtle Beach and yet while roaring, and breezy...this is no Denver. I've realized that is's all in the way we perceive and appreciate our surroundings. I think somewhere in the selfishness I forgot to look right in front of me in the beautiful cinema God has provided. The greatest of all is in its unique creation it costs little to witness...but you surely must purchase a ticket in order to truly experience the full effect.
The beach is amazing! The air is cool enough to exhaust the humidity and yet i'm not too chilled to cause regret for my newly shaved legs. My feet are relaxed and at home, comforted by the damp sand. What a magnificent day! It truly has been nothing less. Even the smell of the ocean, neither stuffy nor potent; a perfect blend of rythmic tune. I could fall asleep right here.
What if in life we could capture these moments in large mason jars? Our memories of each feeling, scent, hue, and tint would be trapped inside so that with every twist of the cap we feel the exact feeling as the day we first tricked it into the jar. Like a favorite movie watched over and over, there would be no change in script or substance. Could that even be possible?
I think perhaps the only difference and impossibility of that concept is the constant change of our perception. I ask myself would it truly be a treasured moment if it had the capability of being fully captured? We are able to remember details such as a shell from the sand or a picture taken of the horizon but that one exact moment we can never re-create. Maybe that's the point. Maybe we're supposed to, in the moment, treasure the bigger picture because it simply won't last forever.
Being here I'm reminded of that whole year when Steve and I were in Denver. There were no salt-flavored sunsets or sand nuzzled comfortably between my toes. There were no roaring waves providing tranquility. While big, beautiful, colorful, and creative...it was no Myrtle Beach and yet while roaring, and breezy...this is no Denver. I've realized that is's all in the way we perceive and appreciate our surroundings. I think somewhere in the selfishness I forgot to look right in front of me in the beautiful cinema God has provided. The greatest of all is in its unique creation it costs little to witness...but you surely must purchase a ticket in order to truly experience the full effect.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Inspired by lyrics
Have you ever just been driving in your car and a song comes on the radio or from a CD that you've barely listened to but it speaks to your heart? Or have you searched for that song and finally found the words to the feelings that you've been trying to get out all along? Lately, I truly feel that God has helped mend my broken heart with song. In my car I listen to the christian station but sometimes I'll listen to what some christians would call "secular" music. Don't get me wrong, every now and then I don't think too much when I'm singing a catchy song like "POW, POW, POW" by the Black Eyed Peas. What I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful for lyricists and songwriters. Most of the time I walk around feeling emotions that I can't even pin-point what they are, but if I listen to music it's like I relate in some deep emotional way where words aren't even needed.
I want to aspire to be like that in my lifetime. No, I'm not saying I'd like to be a songwriter, which would be great, but I don't think I'd be good at it. I'm saying that I'd like to do or say, or act a way that has the same influence on others; something that inspires them to strive for a great day, or even a great moment of joy, relief even.
As a christian this is our life song. Our testament can move people in the same way, but it's not like we can just slap a few words that ryhme down on the piece of paper. We've got to first think about what type of song we're going to do, which most likely is based off of our feelings and life experiences. Now we take those feelings and we put them into action; we make words. Then we've got to make sure we've got a proper plan of organization, some sort of rythm to the words. Before you know it you've made a new hit single that's plastered all over the radio. Shouldn't our faith be the same way? Shouldn't we want to desire a life of inspiration for others? Not to become boastful or arrogant, but to be proud in calling our Father, Jesus Christ; that our pride dwells through our actions towards our faith, towards our God.
I want this for my life. I was once a strong woman; stronger than now. I woke up and breathed life with every second the wind blew past me. I looked around with thankful eyes, able to see God's vivid creations. I talked and I walked with Him, putting Him first before anything and everything. Have you ever had a moment like that?
In time I know I'll be an even stronger woman of faith. And I'll soar on wings like eagles as my Father flies beside me.
I want to aspire to be like that in my lifetime. No, I'm not saying I'd like to be a songwriter, which would be great, but I don't think I'd be good at it. I'm saying that I'd like to do or say, or act a way that has the same influence on others; something that inspires them to strive for a great day, or even a great moment of joy, relief even.
As a christian this is our life song. Our testament can move people in the same way, but it's not like we can just slap a few words that ryhme down on the piece of paper. We've got to first think about what type of song we're going to do, which most likely is based off of our feelings and life experiences. Now we take those feelings and we put them into action; we make words. Then we've got to make sure we've got a proper plan of organization, some sort of rythm to the words. Before you know it you've made a new hit single that's plastered all over the radio. Shouldn't our faith be the same way? Shouldn't we want to desire a life of inspiration for others? Not to become boastful or arrogant, but to be proud in calling our Father, Jesus Christ; that our pride dwells through our actions towards our faith, towards our God.
I want this for my life. I was once a strong woman; stronger than now. I woke up and breathed life with every second the wind blew past me. I looked around with thankful eyes, able to see God's vivid creations. I talked and I walked with Him, putting Him first before anything and everything. Have you ever had a moment like that?
In time I know I'll be an even stronger woman of faith. And I'll soar on wings like eagles as my Father flies beside me.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Nightly Prayer
Heavenly Father,
I thank you so much for the work that you're doing inside of me. I can feel Your wisdom preparing me to better accept Your will. I thank you for entrusting me with that knowledge and loving me beyond measures. There are simply no words to express my gratitude but I know that the power is not in my words, it lies in my deeds and good will. I know that I must look like You and I must above all love. Heavenly Father I ask for the courage to disipate the reigning fear in my life, making me unable to receive Your good works and blessings. Help me gather my strength so that I may learn to fight for my own wants and desires against satan's adament ways to attack me. Lord, I have allowed him to take my time away from You; for that I ask Your holy forgiveness and grace. I know that I must fight harder in order to win the battle against him.
Heavenly Father I come to you with such a happy heart knowing that my brother, Steve, is in good hands. I know that You hold him close and protect him with Your impeccable timing. Lord I ask that You help him learn to not only acknowledge the areas of his life that need work, but to also learn to trust in You more, as well as in himself. I pray that he will find the strength and the courage to continue his battle against satan as well and draw closer to you. Father, I ask for you to protect him against satan allowing him a chance to see what his life would be like, and is when You reign in his heart and not fear alone. Father, strengthen his faith and love for You above anything else.
Father I ask that you be with Kim as she tries to find a solution to her current situation. Lord, her cats are her lifeline right now and if she is to part ways with them I ask that you help her find the strength and the courage to find a new lifeline to hang on to for comfort and security.
I ask that you be with those who are physically hurting tonight; those who are struggling with spritual disturbances. Heavenly Father I also ask that you help provide an opportunity to bring in more income so that I may be able to pay for the things that I must take care of. Lord, I pray that it will also be enough hours so that I may learn the value of time management in my studies so that I may better take the opportunities to study Your word. I ask for more opportunities and willpower in doing that as well. Father, help fill my mind with Your inspiring words so that I may better learn how to be more like You. Teach me Your ways and understanding; mold me and make me in the ways that you see fit! With a loving heart I pray in your most Holy name, amen!
I thank you so much for the work that you're doing inside of me. I can feel Your wisdom preparing me to better accept Your will. I thank you for entrusting me with that knowledge and loving me beyond measures. There are simply no words to express my gratitude but I know that the power is not in my words, it lies in my deeds and good will. I know that I must look like You and I must above all love. Heavenly Father I ask for the courage to disipate the reigning fear in my life, making me unable to receive Your good works and blessings. Help me gather my strength so that I may learn to fight for my own wants and desires against satan's adament ways to attack me. Lord, I have allowed him to take my time away from You; for that I ask Your holy forgiveness and grace. I know that I must fight harder in order to win the battle against him.
Heavenly Father I come to you with such a happy heart knowing that my brother, Steve, is in good hands. I know that You hold him close and protect him with Your impeccable timing. Lord I ask that You help him learn to not only acknowledge the areas of his life that need work, but to also learn to trust in You more, as well as in himself. I pray that he will find the strength and the courage to continue his battle against satan as well and draw closer to you. Father, I ask for you to protect him against satan allowing him a chance to see what his life would be like, and is when You reign in his heart and not fear alone. Father, strengthen his faith and love for You above anything else.
Father I ask that you be with Kim as she tries to find a solution to her current situation. Lord, her cats are her lifeline right now and if she is to part ways with them I ask that you help her find the strength and the courage to find a new lifeline to hang on to for comfort and security.
I ask that you be with those who are physically hurting tonight; those who are struggling with spritual disturbances. Heavenly Father I also ask that you help provide an opportunity to bring in more income so that I may be able to pay for the things that I must take care of. Lord, I pray that it will also be enough hours so that I may learn the value of time management in my studies so that I may better take the opportunities to study Your word. I ask for more opportunities and willpower in doing that as well. Father, help fill my mind with Your inspiring words so that I may better learn how to be more like You. Teach me Your ways and understanding; mold me and make me in the ways that you see fit! With a loving heart I pray in your most Holy name, amen!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
"Eat Pray Love"
What an amazing movie! And maybe I thought it was 'amazing' because of the position that I am in currently in my life because as I looked around the theatre as people arose from their seats I wondered if they had the same feelings as I did. You had the people who got up early, as soon as the first credit rolled because they didn't want to be bothered by the traffic of people exitting all at once. You had the younger woman who may not have really grasped the connection between real life and cinematic experience. You had the older generations, with their husbands, who may have gone simply because their wives asked them. And then there were the few who were moved by it, who wore regret on their face as they stood. Possibly regret for having the same opportunities but not taking them.
Either way I left thankful for my situation, thankful for the opportunity and the knowledge and the faith I carry with me. I left feeling enlightened and powerful and trusting, which is something I've desperately been wanting to feel connected to for a while. I left with inspirations to keep me going daily and is it crazy to say that a simple movie did that for me? Why would it be? Why shouldn't we find inspiration from every aspect of life around us? God created life right? And God created man right? Than can I not find my inspiration from the slightest of ideals?
I'll write more later, but for now just know that this is my moment. This is my time to go back, to find myself and when the time comes take the leap for love all over again, but with the control of knowing the balance between losing myself completely, or bending it slightly for love.
Either way I left thankful for my situation, thankful for the opportunity and the knowledge and the faith I carry with me. I left feeling enlightened and powerful and trusting, which is something I've desperately been wanting to feel connected to for a while. I left with inspirations to keep me going daily and is it crazy to say that a simple movie did that for me? Why would it be? Why shouldn't we find inspiration from every aspect of life around us? God created life right? And God created man right? Than can I not find my inspiration from the slightest of ideals?
I'll write more later, but for now just know that this is my moment. This is my time to go back, to find myself and when the time comes take the leap for love all over again, but with the control of knowing the balance between losing myself completely, or bending it slightly for love.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Reluctancy
Father,
I feel I have no will, no purpose, no drive, no hope. I feel I've slowly started to die because there is no hope. My brain knows that there is, but my heart feels different. Feels. At times I wonder why we such feelings. What purpose do they serve? Jealousy. Contempt. Fear. Love. Acceptance.
My head is telling me to cheer up because I will meet my match in the future, because You will see me through. It tells me that this didn't happen to me because I am unworthy of love, because I am at fault, because of anything to do with me. I can know that I am worth so much more to You and that I am so special that You would entrust such a duty on me. It tells me that logically, at this time in my life, it would be easier to find that 86% recovery rate and that this time is meant to find myself, to find my confidence, to fight my fears.
My heart tells me otherwise, however. It feels hurt, broken, and abandoned. I feel betrayed and abused. While I know I am no victim, I can't help but to feel that I have done nothing less than be the best person I know how to be and yet this still happened. I wonder if my fears brought me to this result. I wonder if in some way it is all my fault. Had I loved stronger, supported more, encouraged louder, and affirmed verbally and physically. I had I been short tempered, faithful, strong would this have still happened? Was this the result of my failings?
I tear even reading that word; typing the letters combined to form that word I tremble at. Failure. Most know that my husband struggled with this word, with this emotion. He longed for acceptance and pride from his family, his parents. While they made no large goals for him, somehow he always felt as if he fell short of their expectations pending nothing short of discourage. What most did not realize is that I, myself, struggle with this word as well. While his parents had little expectations, mine had great, almost impossible. In the shadows of a sister who let down our father (to him) I was bound to follow by trait even though we were nothing alike. The pride in my fathers voice when I came back to visit after leaving for art school was a new, unfamilar tone. I can only imagine the thoughts he has of me now, knowing that I left art school for a boy, for something to him shouldn't have happened. I find myself always feeling less of extrordinary in his eyes when I once knew the sparkle he kept for me.
A friend was right in saying that all women have "daddy issues". I will not continue.
Father, I am lost in the darkness often searching, guiding my hand on the wall for the light switch. No, lately I've given up on finding the switch. I've somehow plopped unwillingly, selfishly, fearfully in the center of a blackened room waiting for the switch to turn itself on. Iam so spoiled by You. Your righteousness has been unfailing. You've given and proven and tested and still I sit there doing nothing. Why? This I can't understand about myself. I feel so much desire but it's buried beneathe. The feeling that there's something right in front of me but I'm so lazy and unwilling to reach out and grab it. I know that I'm expected to take hold of myself, of my situation and stand proudly screaming your name. I know that I will continue to desend into the pit should I not get up and search once more, but still I sit. Why? Is it my heart that's bearing my weight keeping me floored?
I hate this feeling of disconnect from within my parts. I feel empty and much like swiss cheese. I feel as if my holes are showing and I am beginning to smell. I would love to see the light, to feel Your radiance shine on my face as it once did. I'm lost and I'm not sure how to stand. Father, can you help me stand? How selfish to even ask such a request I know. Time and time again You give me such opportunities and I am weak, afraid, weary of this worlds judgement.
I want to feel whole again! Please help me Father. I want to feel together with my adhesive firm and held. I know that I am so much stronger than this. Why won't I fight? I don't even really know where to begin so I'll begin with saying that I am sorry. I am sorry. This guilt I feel within my heart is so burdening, its hot like fire, burning holes in my soul allow the demons to sink in. I find myself wanting to pray, wanting to speak, but about what? What is it that I shall pray for now? I feel like I don't even deserve to go to You in prayer. I feel I don't deserve to know Your love, as I haven't and don't deserve to know or feel Steve's again.
Have I not, in my heart been faithful to You? Have I not fought hard eough?
Father I'm sorry. I simply can't find the words for prayer, to ask for what I need because I don't know. What I want is the feeling of his hands on my face again. What I want is to feel his kiss first thing in the morning. What I want is to hold his heart in my hands again, but this time with such care as my own. I don't want to feel sick to my stomach thinking about him being right there but not being able to touch him. What I want are the simplest of things, can't those be granted? What I would give to see his face, his smile, hear his laugh. He is my champion, I know that with everything I have and more. I do not want to be with another. I do not want to know life without him. I do not want to smile without sharing his. Wasn't my love an affection enough?
Father, if nothing else help me understand, help me find some resolve. Father, help me find hope that I can stand and that I will stand. I thank you that the weeks go by fast so that I may be pleasured with worshiping You with my brothers and sisters. At the same time I know that the faster they go by, this quicker the holidays approach, the quicker the loneliness will fill my world again. The quicker next year will arrive. I do not want to live without my husbands love. That's not to simply say I wish to die, but I do not want to experience joy and love with another. He was and is my everything. Should there not be any pride in saying that? We made vows, we promised forever, we promised always and forevermore. Father, please forgive me for my selfishness and help me find my way. I know nothing without Your guidance and feel nothing without Your love. I ask for Your everything in return and ask that you take the areas of me that satan has tainted. I have given them to him but now I give them back to You. Father, I am sorry please help me find my way in forgiving myself.
In Your most precious name I cry out to you, Amen.
I feel I have no will, no purpose, no drive, no hope. I feel I've slowly started to die because there is no hope. My brain knows that there is, but my heart feels different. Feels. At times I wonder why we such feelings. What purpose do they serve? Jealousy. Contempt. Fear. Love. Acceptance.
My head is telling me to cheer up because I will meet my match in the future, because You will see me through. It tells me that this didn't happen to me because I am unworthy of love, because I am at fault, because of anything to do with me. I can know that I am worth so much more to You and that I am so special that You would entrust such a duty on me. It tells me that logically, at this time in my life, it would be easier to find that 86% recovery rate and that this time is meant to find myself, to find my confidence, to fight my fears.
My heart tells me otherwise, however. It feels hurt, broken, and abandoned. I feel betrayed and abused. While I know I am no victim, I can't help but to feel that I have done nothing less than be the best person I know how to be and yet this still happened. I wonder if my fears brought me to this result. I wonder if in some way it is all my fault. Had I loved stronger, supported more, encouraged louder, and affirmed verbally and physically. I had I been short tempered, faithful, strong would this have still happened? Was this the result of my failings?
I tear even reading that word; typing the letters combined to form that word I tremble at. Failure. Most know that my husband struggled with this word, with this emotion. He longed for acceptance and pride from his family, his parents. While they made no large goals for him, somehow he always felt as if he fell short of their expectations pending nothing short of discourage. What most did not realize is that I, myself, struggle with this word as well. While his parents had little expectations, mine had great, almost impossible. In the shadows of a sister who let down our father (to him) I was bound to follow by trait even though we were nothing alike. The pride in my fathers voice when I came back to visit after leaving for art school was a new, unfamilar tone. I can only imagine the thoughts he has of me now, knowing that I left art school for a boy, for something to him shouldn't have happened. I find myself always feeling less of extrordinary in his eyes when I once knew the sparkle he kept for me.
A friend was right in saying that all women have "daddy issues". I will not continue.
Father, I am lost in the darkness often searching, guiding my hand on the wall for the light switch. No, lately I've given up on finding the switch. I've somehow plopped unwillingly, selfishly, fearfully in the center of a blackened room waiting for the switch to turn itself on. Iam so spoiled by You. Your righteousness has been unfailing. You've given and proven and tested and still I sit there doing nothing. Why? This I can't understand about myself. I feel so much desire but it's buried beneathe. The feeling that there's something right in front of me but I'm so lazy and unwilling to reach out and grab it. I know that I'm expected to take hold of myself, of my situation and stand proudly screaming your name. I know that I will continue to desend into the pit should I not get up and search once more, but still I sit. Why? Is it my heart that's bearing my weight keeping me floored?
I hate this feeling of disconnect from within my parts. I feel empty and much like swiss cheese. I feel as if my holes are showing and I am beginning to smell. I would love to see the light, to feel Your radiance shine on my face as it once did. I'm lost and I'm not sure how to stand. Father, can you help me stand? How selfish to even ask such a request I know. Time and time again You give me such opportunities and I am weak, afraid, weary of this worlds judgement.
I want to feel whole again! Please help me Father. I want to feel together with my adhesive firm and held. I know that I am so much stronger than this. Why won't I fight? I don't even really know where to begin so I'll begin with saying that I am sorry. I am sorry. This guilt I feel within my heart is so burdening, its hot like fire, burning holes in my soul allow the demons to sink in. I find myself wanting to pray, wanting to speak, but about what? What is it that I shall pray for now? I feel like I don't even deserve to go to You in prayer. I feel I don't deserve to know Your love, as I haven't and don't deserve to know or feel Steve's again.
Have I not, in my heart been faithful to You? Have I not fought hard eough?
Father I'm sorry. I simply can't find the words for prayer, to ask for what I need because I don't know. What I want is the feeling of his hands on my face again. What I want is to feel his kiss first thing in the morning. What I want is to hold his heart in my hands again, but this time with such care as my own. I don't want to feel sick to my stomach thinking about him being right there but not being able to touch him. What I want are the simplest of things, can't those be granted? What I would give to see his face, his smile, hear his laugh. He is my champion, I know that with everything I have and more. I do not want to be with another. I do not want to know life without him. I do not want to smile without sharing his. Wasn't my love an affection enough?
Father, if nothing else help me understand, help me find some resolve. Father, help me find hope that I can stand and that I will stand. I thank you that the weeks go by fast so that I may be pleasured with worshiping You with my brothers and sisters. At the same time I know that the faster they go by, this quicker the holidays approach, the quicker the loneliness will fill my world again. The quicker next year will arrive. I do not want to live without my husbands love. That's not to simply say I wish to die, but I do not want to experience joy and love with another. He was and is my everything. Should there not be any pride in saying that? We made vows, we promised forever, we promised always and forevermore. Father, please forgive me for my selfishness and help me find my way. I know nothing without Your guidance and feel nothing without Your love. I ask for Your everything in return and ask that you take the areas of me that satan has tainted. I have given them to him but now I give them back to You. Father, I am sorry please help me find my way in forgiving myself.
In Your most precious name I cry out to you, Amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)